TOOOAST!!!

Another Year, Another Moronic Waste Of Your Time

2011-08-18T01:23:00.000-05:00

Ah, booo-urns, bub.

Each year the NFL releases their schedule and each year complete idiots stop paying attention to baseball and go through their favorite team’s schedule to assign wins and losses to each game. It’s as stupid a waste of time as I can come up with. So, lets run through next year’s Redskins schedule and assign wins and losses to each game! Yay!

Week 1: New York Giants
Pick: Giants (0-1)
Game Notes: Eli Manning throws eight potential interceptions, all of which are dropped by various Redskins defenders. After each drop the players hold the first two fingers on each hand aloft in tribute to #22, former teammate Carlos “butterfingers” Rogers. ... At the end of the half Manning throws a Hail Mary for a touchdown. The TV announcers spend halftime verbally fellating him. … After throwing fifteen consecutive incompletions, the game is halted and John Beck is given a plaque to commemorate his atrocious performance. During impromptu ceremony speech, Beck refers to himself as, “The luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Week 2: Arizona Cardinals
Pick: Cardinals (0-2)
Game Notes: Beck is yanked from the game after failing to complete any of ten passes. Rex Grossman comes in and completes his first pass, an interception returned for a touchdown. Grossman is given a standing ovation. … Kevin "If The Over/Under On When Chris Berman Uses The Nickname "Corn On The" Is Two Weeks Or More, Take The Under" Kolb plays fine. …Somewhere in San Francisco Carlos Rodgers drops his first interception of the season. I set my watch.

Week 3: @ Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Cowboys (0-3)
Game Notes: Tony Romo throws five touchdown passes, four directly over the head of DeAngelo Hall who, on the fourth one, seems to waive. In post-game interview, Hall predicts Redskins will win Super Bowl. … Redskins running backs gain 155 yards horizontally.

Week 4: @ St. Louis Rams
Pick: Rams (0-4)
Game Notes: Redskins run their losing streak to four, as the Rams drive down the field to score the winning touchdown as the fourth quarter expires. During the final drive, Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo is, in order, held, held, tackled, tied up, held, mauled by a bear, duct taped, held, buried alive, held, tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and held. No penalties are called.

Week 5: Bye Week

Week 6: Philadelphia Eagles
Pick: Eagles (0-5)
Game Notes: Michael Vick is indicted in a Cat Fighting Ring. However, since Vick was never actually able to get the cats to wake up long enough to fight the charges are dropped. … Down 31-0 in the second quarter, the Redskins go three and out. They leave the field to a chorus of boos. Shanahan assures Dan Snyder fans are actually saying, "BoooYayRedskins!" … Up 48-3 in the third quarter, Andy Reid enjoys a sixth ham sandwich because you don't mess with a good thing.

Week 7: @ Carolina Panthers
Pick: Redskins (1-5)
Game Notes: Redskins running backs gain 18 yards on 17 carries. After the game Mike Shanahan praises them for “establishing the run.” … Redskins score only touchdown of the game when, after a blocked field goal attempt, the following three unlikely events occur: 1) the ball becomes lodged in kicker Graham Gano’s face mask; 2) while running in circles screaming obscenities and punching self in the face in vain attempt to dislodge the ball, Gano, who is deathly allergic to bees, sees a yellow jacket; 3) the creature chases a screaming, urinating Graham into the endzone at a speed which would get him drafted in the first round. After the game the Redskins attempt to give him a contract extension. He retires instead.

Week 8: @ Buffalo Bills
Pick: Redskins (2-5)
Game Notes: By obscure NFL by-law, twelve paying fans are required to attend the game or it must be cancelled. Surprisingly, a Bills/Redskins football game in Toronto, Canada draws only eleven. Fortunately Bills fan Luke Grant brought his dog, Turdy, who is allowed into the stadium so game can continue. This violates Canadian health code and game is shut down anyway. Fans of competent sports everywhere rejoice. Turdy lives up to his name on the bleachers.

Week 9: San Francisco 49ers
Pick: Redskins (3-5)
Game Notes: Carlos Rogers returns a John Beck pass for a touchdown, visibly taunting the Redskins as he goes by. This would have been humiliating for Washington had Rogers not actually dropped the interception and run down the field cradling nothing … Of John Beck’s fifteen passes, eight glace off some part of Carlos Rogers. Two are caught for touchdowns. Ah, memories.

Week 10: @ Miami Dolphins
Pick: Dolphins (3-6)
Game Notes: Rex Grossman is injured when all five of his offensive linemen are knocked on top of him simultaneously. As John Beck can’t be found, wide receiver Malcolm Kelly comes on as the emergency quarterback. This marks Kelly’s first appearance on the field this season. Many Redskins fans join me in a good cry. It is later learned Beck was in the laundry room with the lights off “studying the playbook.”

Week 11: Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Cowboys (3-7)
Game Notes: Dan Snyder sues the Cowboys for slandering his franchise. The slander: printing Redskins 3-7 record in media guide. … With the Cowboys win over their bitterest rival secure, Jerry Jones instructs his man-servants to help him prepare to smile.

Week 12: @ Seattle Seahawks
Pick: Seahawks (3-8)
Game Notes: Somewhere a child is happy, somewhere there is prosperity, somewhere Carlos Rogers just dropped a pick-six. Fortunately that isn’t the Redskins problem anymore. So, you know, cross one off a list the size of War and Peace.

Week 13: New York Jets
Pick: Jets (3-9)
Game Notes: The Redskins bring Clinton Portis out of retirement. Portis carries ten times for negative eleven yards wearing a tutu and Groucho glasses. Crowd shows approval by leaving more slowly than usual. … To fire his team up for game, Rex Ryan eats a human baby. Jets score four touchdowns in first quarter and cruise to victory. For post-game press conference Ryan walks to podium, burbs loudly, and leaves.

Week 14: New England Patriots
Pick: Patriots (3-10)
Game Notes: Patriots show up in DC with a split-squad … Albert Haynesworth sacks John Beck ten times. The final five consist of Beck screaming, throwing the ball up into the air and running in the opposite direction. … Tom Brady goes 18-19 for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns. He’s replaced by Tom Brady’s cleft chin, which throws for another 208 yards and 3 touchdowns.

Week 15: @ New York Giants
Pick: Giants (3-11)
Game Notes: Every pass Eli Manning makes bounces off a Redskins defender. Manning throws for 420 yards and six touchdowns

Week 16: Minnesota Vikings
Pick: Vikings (3-12)
Game Notes: Controversy swirls around Donovan McNabb when he does nothing wrong and speaks graciously.

Week 17: @ Philadelphia Eagles
Pick: Eagles (3-13)
Game Notes: Having already clinched home field advantage the Eagles sit entire roster including the coaching staff. After a tough four quarters the Redskins fall to an all star team of mascots, house cats and pancake house employees.

Here's a Surprise: They Look Terrible

2011-06-23T16:22:00.004-05:00

No, not the 2011-2012 Flyers. The new Nashville Predators jerseys.

Is a transition from "Stadium Mustard" to "Yellow Mustard" an upgrade? I say yes, but only by, like, 2%.

However, with the Atlanta Thrashers no longer in existence, the Predators took up the mantle of uniform asymmetry and plunked a teeny "Nashville" along the left collarbone.*

*Unless the photo above is mirror-imaged, which sometimes happens. Then it's the right collarbone.

Maybe the blinding home uniforms will distract the fans from the fact that the teat was unable to re-sign playoff hero Joel Ward. (Insert joke here about white people looking terrible in the team's former mustard-brown color whereas black people usually look good in that color.) The Flyers cleared out about $11 million in cap space today: $5.6M of it went to Ilya Bryzgalov, about $4M of it is going to Ville Leino, and I'm predicting the rest of it is going to Ward. And hoping $0.00 of it is going to Dan Carcillo.

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You May Remember Me from the Looting of the Coach Store

2011-06-16T13:48:00.002-05:00

Based on this photo from the Globe & Mail, the police can be fairly assured they'll find this shirtless scofflaw on the security footage from the Coach store that was looted last night.

(See, that's a Coach bag. OK, this is a post for girls. Or rich people.)

MLS has (had?) the San Jose Earthquakes and the Chicago Fire; time to change the Vancouver team's name to the Riots.

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Dopes, Cops with No Guns, and Fucking in the Streets

2011-06-16T13:34:00.007-05:00

Rumors of fatalities related to last night's looting of downtown Vancouver have proven to be false. There is one man in critical condition after a fall -- or jump -- off the Georgia Street aqueduct, and several people with stab wounds, but no fatalities.

However, shortly after this photo was taken, this man contracted chlamydia.

Note: The above photo has passed various forms of PhotoShop vetting; it's real and was actually taken last night. HOW-EVAH, get ready for the hacks!

Can't wait for the one of Scott Cousins barreling down the third base line toward them.

Fun T!!! facts: The image on our masthead at the top of the page is actually from a hockey riot, though I don't remember offhand which one.

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Jack Edwards just watched that video

2011-06-16T01:49:00.003-05:00

Fuck you, Jack Edwards. I know you're gonna be at the parade in colonial garb, wearing a powdered wig, swilling Sam Adams from a metal stein.

But fuck Vancouver more. Whatever's left of it.

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Blowin' Yo' Nutz Off!

2011-06-16T01:34:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess exploding a Canucks' fans gonads is, by definition, impossible as hockey fans around the world know that Vancouverites don't have any balls. But this is still damn funny.

And if the fans are eunuchs, then what are he Vancouver cops? That riot last night in Vanocuver after the Canucks 4-0 beatdown against Boston in game 7 - you know, cuz the Canucks turtled worse than a dude jumping in to an ice bath - went on for more than THREE FREAKING HOURS with almost ZERO police presence. At one point, the Solicitor General said that police and fire department could not mount a counter attack against the rioters as it was "too dangerous."

When politely pleading with the vagrants failed to make anyone disperse, they brought out the heavy artillery - HORSES! Like in the Revolutionary War days!

After things had finally broken up to manageable levels, the police department announced that there would be an "increased police presence" that night in the downtown area. Just in case a riot broke out or something.

Partyin' Like a Mav!

2011-06-16T01:10:00.003-05:00

“Turn that up! Turn that tune up RIGHT NOW!!”

The timing could not have been more perfect. Several members of the newly crowned NBA World Champion Dallas Mavericks – can you believe we get to say that now? - were just about to do their first victory shot last Monday night at their informal gathering at a local bar when one of their staff members detected the opening lines and piano chords to Queen's “We Are the Champions” and hollered at the bartender to crank the volume.

As the chorus hit, all of the players and staff sang loudly and hoisted their shots in the air, surrounding the face of the franchise, Dirk Nowitzki, whose glass reached highest of all. The whole image was strikingly similar to the team on the podium the night before in Miami, having just dispatched of the hated Heat on their home court, when Dirk was flanked by teammates and raised the Larry O'Brien Trophy triumphantly to the rafters.

Early in the afternoon last Monday, I received a call from a bartender I know at The Loon who gave me a heads-up that it was looking like the Mavs were assembling there for a low-key celebration that night. It made perfect sense to celebrate this way; their owner wears jeans and t-shirts to games and their star player is as laid back and unassuming as any I've ever witnessed. There was no way in hell that flashing lights and fog machines would be employed for this veteran bunch, and I assumed that I may get to see a few players have a drink or two then split.

Nope. Not even close. There were only around 20 people in the bar when I arrived, most of whom probably had no idea what was about to happen. Suddenly, Jason Kidd, in shorts, t-shirt and a San Diego Padres cap, quietly slid in and sat down. Mark Cuban followed minutes later and you could see all of the “civilians” in the bar firing text messages to friends. When Dirk and Brian Cardinal sprang through the door, the place erupted and it was clear that the lucky few of us who were there were gonna see something cool.

And seconds later, it happened. One of the employees of the bar was sent to “get something out of my trunk” by Cubes, and he returned with the O'Brien Trophy. Again the place went nuts, and after one of the bartenders got his picture with it, a patron next to me asked if he could do the same. “You break it, you buy it,” replied Cuban, and before we knew it, the trophy was being passed around the bar like a Stanley Cup celebration. Talk about a team and an owner that “gets it.” They connect with their fans and wave all pretension, and that night they gave a bunch of us memories that will even further bolster our recollection of their championship run.

But we weren't done.

Several more rounds of shots were thrown down by the team and staff, and cigars started appearing. Then the French duo of Ian Mahinmi and Roddy Beaubois filtered in. And finally, J.J. Barea and a nearly unrecognizable Jason Terry, due to his hat being pulled low and wearing shades, made their appearance. The party was officially ON.

On the multiple screens around the bar, ESPN was running a Finals wrap-up and when they showed LeBron on-screen, the entire place was filled with boos. Barely 24 hours earlier, these guys were battling LeBron and the Heat, and now they were playfully joining in with Mavs fans in taunting The King.

What happened next was the most remarkable part of the evening. NBA TV was rebroadcasting the entirety of game 6, and immediately the music volume in the bar went down and the TV volume went up. Incredibly, we were about to watch the Mavs watch themselves win a title. The fans in the bar cheered every Mavs basket as if we were watching it for the first time. Mavs players hollered back and forth at each other, taunting each other when they made bad plays and slapping fives on good ones. Barea started yelling at Dirk, “Dirk! Dirk! Check the screen!” Seconds later, the TV Barea nailed a three-pointer.

The players and Mavs staff chanted “Car-Di-Nal! Car-Di-Nal!” when Cardinal drew a charge on Dwyane Wade. They erupted with “Ma-Hin-Mi! Ma-Hin-Mi!” when Ian Mahinmi drained his buzzer-beating jumper to end the third quarter and put the Mavs up by nine.

It was as surreal an experience as I could ever imagine. We had just endured the two-month ride to the title, watching every second on TV, and now we were getting to revel in the elation of a championship with most of the team. The non-Mavs patrons at the bar were incredibly respectful of the players and left them alone to celebrate, and in turn, the players and Mavs staff allowed us to share in their joy.

This is a first-class Champion, from top to bottom. An owner who handled himself with class and wanted to share the team's success with others, whether it be asking NBA Commissioner David Stern to present the championship trophy to original owner Donald Carter, or allowing a bar employee to bring the trophy in to the Loon. He eschewed the spotlight beautifully. And what more can be said about the class and attitude of the players and their coach? A wonderful collection of veterans - all with a back story of their own - that threw ego out the window and sacrificed for each other to reach their collective goal. They are the definition of a team.

It is a group that all Mavs fans, and basketball fans in general, can hold in high regard. And seeing how they handle themselves when the curtain was pulled back last Monday night only made me that much more proud and elated for them.

Following These Topics: "LeBron Poops Pants?"

2011-06-09T18:50:00.004-05:00

LeBron is playing like what he is: A guy who signed a free-agent contract with a team that already had two max-contract players.

Also: He showed up at the American Airlines Center for Game 5 tonight in skin-tight flared jeans.

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Finally Time for Some Red River Roundball

2011-05-17T17:30:00.002-05:00

After a lengthy layoff and flying under the national sports media's radar (thanks in large part to owner Mark Cuban's almost fanatical aversion to publicity during these playoffs) for more than a week, the Dallas Mavericks are just hours away from finally tipping off the Western Conference Finals.

Following their rousing sweep and total evisceration of the Los Angeles Lakers in game four, the Mavericks are brimming with confidence, but so too are the Oklahoma City Thunder, after winning their first two playoff series since relocating the franchise. It is usually during playoff series that rivalries are born, and with the obvious geographical proximity and the Red River Rivalry between the Longhorns and Sooners already a big part of the fabric of sports fans in both cities, it likely won't take long before Mavs fans are calling Thunder point guard Brian Westbrrok a flopper or OKC fans booing Tyson Chandler for his boistrous chest pumping.

Looking at their meetings this year, let's see how the teams match up:

Dallas vs Oklahoma City:

	Dallas	OKC
Wins	2	1
PPG	103.0	98.3
FG%	46.7	45.7
3PT%	37.1	34.1
FT%	84.6	73.6
RB	46.3	40
AST	23.3	23.3
TO	13.3	11

Both of Dallas' wins against the Thunder came in Oklahoma City, and Dirk Nowitzki really only participated in the first game in November, scoring 34 points; he sprained his knee early in their second meeting and sat out the third tilt. It's a very small sample size, but the Thunder really don't have anyone who can bother Dirk defensively. They will throw Thabo Sefolosha on him to try and utilize his length and athleticism to try and disrupt him in the same fashion that worked for Golden State back in 2007, but Nowitzki has learned to carve up these kinds of defensive schemes since then.

The NBA's leading scorer, Kevin Durant, averaged 29.3 points per game against Dallas, but in the two Dallas wins was limited to just 2 and 5 points in the fourth quarter. Russell Westbrook was really held in check by the Mavericks' defense, averaging just 14.3 points per game, and in the Mavs wins, Westbrook was a putrid -27 total. Add in the fact that Durant and Westbrook at times seem to be feuding for the ball and the Mavs could be catching a team going through some turmoil, especially in crunch time in close games.

The Tyson Chandler Factor cannot be understated; Chandler twice grabbed 18 rebounds against the Thunder, his season high. Ironically, Chandler was traded to OKC last year, but the trade was rescinded due to medical concerns and the Mavericks were the lucky beneficiaries. Since these two teams last played each other, the Thunder have added center Kendrick Perkins in an effort to shore up their middle, but his lack of mobility and athleticism will do little to slow Chandler.

Dallas has too many weapons and is too experienced in crunch time playoff basketball for the Thunder, and Westbrook's erratic play will doom OKC.

Mavs in 7.

Take Dat Witchoooooo!!!

2011-05-05T11:57:00.001-05:00

Following the Mavericks series clinching win in Portland in game 6 of that series, Dallas fans had to reach for the Q-tips to clear their ears after hearing longtime Mavs critic Charles Barkley not only refused toimmediately state that the Los Angeles Lakers would be his pick to win their upcoming series against Dallas. Seconds later, they really had to be questioning what universe they were in when Barkley stated that the Lakers don't have a chance to stop Dirk Nowitzki and called his game “one of the most unique” he had ever seen.

In a recent column on ESPN.com, Bill Simmons addressed Nowitzki's play in these playoffs with equal adoration: “To Dirk Nowitzki, who reinvented himself over the years as a fiery competitor with the single most unstoppable move in basketball: his foul line post-up game that always seems to result in (A) him whirling around his defender and getting a layup, (B) him spinning around, sticking his elbows right in the defender's mug and launching a jumper that starts over Dirk's head, or (C), him fading away with an awkward-looking fade-away that has to rank alongside Hakeem's Dream Shake and McHale's mega-fallaway in the Shots That Seem Technically Impossible But Go In Anyway pantheon. Do you have any idea how that shot goes in? Me neither. I also have no idea how to stop that post-up game. Double him and he kicks to an open shooter. Single him and he scores. You can't win.”

Now that the Mavericks have won two road playoff games in a row, something they have not done since the opening road in 2006 against the Memphis Grizzlies, and dispatched of a team (Portland) in a series that many experts predicted them to lose, NBA pundits are finally able to let go of their dismissive opinions of Dirk and the Mavs and actually heap praise on how magnificently Nowitzki has performed in this postseason.

Somehow, in his latest Postseason MVP Rankings column, ESPN's David Thorpe had Nowitzki ranked 7th – a full six spots behind Memphis' Marc Gasol, who he placed in the top spot. Granted, Gasol has been enormous in helping get the Grizzlies in to the second round for the first time in that franchise's history, but he's not even the best player on his team in the playoffs thus far (that would be Zach Randolph.)

Where should Dirk really be ranked? I decided to assemble the stats in the playoffs thus far for the seven players that I would consider for MVP, and see how Nowitzki stacks up.

PLAYER	PPG	FG%	3PT%	FT%	RB	USG RATE%	% OF TEAM'S POINTS*	PER	+/-
Nowitzki	27.4	46	46	90	8.7	39.0	35	26.09	6.7
L. James	25.4	48	30	76	9.4	30.3	30	28.60	6.9
D. Wade	25.3	47	28	85	7.3	35.6	33	29.26	7.3
K. Bryant	24.4	45	39	82	3.9	39.2	34	23.09	6.7
Z. Randolph	22.3	47	33	87	9.3	29.6	29	24.40	3.6
K. Durant	31.6	48	48	82	6.3	32.7	36	28.36	3.3
D. Rose	27.0	38	23	87	4.7	39.3	33	24.63	6.7

All stats from NBA.com, except PER from ESPN.com.
*Percentage of team's scoring while player on the floor.

The first thing that leaps off the page to me is Nowitzki's phenomenal shooting numbers. None of the other candidates even really come close. Factor this offensive efficiency with the fact that he surprisingly has the third highest usage rate (behind only Kobe and Rose, two players that absolutely dominate the ball when they're on the floor) and it becomes apparent what a unique and deadly weapon Dirk has been through the first seven games of these playoffs.

The one stat that will eventually determine the real MVP is, of course, wins. If Dirk can keep the Mavs winning, then there is no doubt who the MVP will be and he will have cemented his position as one of the greatest players ever to play this game. The 2006 Finals and the Golden State loss will become nothing more than footnotes on his Hall of Fame plaque.

Caps In 7

2011-05-03T22:25:00.001-05:00

Gonna happen.

Picks Pool: Bad News/Good News

2011-04-28T16:09:00.009-05:00

The bad news? I suck at this. The good news? There aren't many people ahead of me.

Yep, that's right -- five of us, total. FIVE. Even Snizza, one of the boneheads who actually runs this blog and drinks at the Landing, didn't bother to send in any picks.

Bill: 10 pts
Aaron: 10 pts
Jeff: 8 pts
Me: 6 pts
Matty: 5 pts

I actually got six of the eight series correct -- or just one fewer than Aaron did -- but didn't get any of the numbers of games right. I guess you gotta hang up some crooked numbers to win in this league.

Oh, yeah -- as you can see, since we're using the simplified scoring, I just did it by hand rather than messing with an Excel spreadsheet. Predictions are in blue, scored are in red.

So the Eastern Conference matchups are set now as well. Both conferences sent through their 1, 2, 3, and 5 seeds. How 'bout it, eh?

The Flyers won't have the opportunity to eliminate the Penguins -- poopy style! -- from the playoffs this year, but they will have the opportunity to deny the Bruins revenge after having come back from an 0-3 series deficit last season to eliminate them. Oh, and fuck Jack Edwards.

Eastern Conference
(1) Washington vs.
(5) Tampa Bay

(2) Philadelphia vs.
(3) Boston

Western Conference
(1) Vancouver vs.
(5) Nashville

(2) San Jose vs.
(3) Detroit

VAN/NSH starts tonight at 8 PM Central; it's the only series that starts today. So if you wanna just pick that one and then pick the rest tomorrow, that's fine. Not like there's a lot of data for me to keep track of here.

Hey, did you guys know the NFL Draft starts tonight? I just heard that. Hahaha. Actually, I don't think Matty even knows the Stanley Cup Playoffs are going on, what with the Red Sox playing every night.

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Picks Pool: Conference Semifinals Start TOMORROW

2011-04-27T19:07:00.004-05:00

Yeah, that's right -- CAPS LOCK DISEASE.*

*Probably does not apply to the actual Caps.

The matchups are still a few hours from being finalized in the Eastern Conference, but the second round gets started in the Western Conference at 8:00 PM Central Time Thursday, April 28, 2011, the Year of Our Lord.

Western Conference
(1) Vancouver vs.
(5) Nashville

(2) San Jose vs.
(3) Detroit

If the Bruins ~~hang on to their 2-1 second-period lead~~ break a 2-2 tie tonight, there will be no seed lower than 5 advancing to the Conference Semis this season, which is a grotesque departure from recent years. The best regular-season teams advancing out the first round of the playoffs? What the hell's going on out there?!?

Back later with Eastern Conference matchups and picks.

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Momentum, The Caps, And The Future (of the Caps)

2011-04-19T01:05:00.000-05:00

Momentum is a funny thing. It's like pornography. You can't really define it, but you know it when you see it. The Caps lose on Wednesday and, two games left in DC or not, the momentum will be all in New York's favor. How valuable is that? Well it's the most valuable thing until the next goal is scored. So it's something.

The Caps find themselves the same position as numerous teams from the franchise's past, in control of a series. The Caps are playing with house money on Wednesday. Win and they're up 3-1, with their foots on the Rangers throat, lose and the series becomes a best of three with two games in DC. So it isn't the end of the series if the Caps fail to win game four in New York on Wednesday night. The series will be knotted at two games apiece with two remaining in Washington. Even in that scenario, the Capitals have the advantage.

As a franchise the Capitals have been up 2-0 or up 3-1 in a seven game series roughly a billionty times and they've lost about 70% of them. I'm not making that last number up. I can't find the actual information but it is incredibly about a 30% success rate as a franchise after achieving a 2-0 or 3-1 series lead for Washington.

The thing is, I think the Rangers are a good team and I don't think the Caps are a whole lot better. Sure they won 2-0 in game 2, which was great, but it took OT to win in the first game and that could have easily gone either way. The same can be said of Game 3 which took a herculean effort by the officials to hand New York an advantage and even then the Rangers needed a lucky bounce to win with a minute plus left in regulation.

The point is other than Game 2, either team could have won Games 1 or 3. It's quite possible the Rangers could be the ones up 2-1 now, or the Caps up 3-0.

This brings me back to the system the Caps run. They made one of them most amazing transitions in pro sports history, turning an offensive machine which eschews defense on it's head. While the Rangers are a very good defensive hockey team, should a team with the Caps incredible collection of offensive superstars really be scoring 2, 2, and 3 goals? Maybe. But I wonder if there is a way to play defensively responsible hockey without ignoring the offensive portion of the game.

This year's Caps team might go far into the playoffs, but they just as easily could be eliminated in the first round, because with the style they play, a single lousy bounce can be the difference between winning and losing. The lower scoring the game the more each goal means and the less room for error there is. Like on Sunday when the Rangers jumped back into the series with a lucky bounce against a franchise that historically has had trouble closing these out.

Things look bright for the Caps now, but another loss and it starts to change. Two losses and we're in panic mode. Three losses and we're taking about a new head coach andnew offensive and defensive systems. Yes, momentum is a toughie to define, but we know it when we see it, and the Caps don't have it right now. We'll see if they can find it on Wednesday in New York. My guess is we won't know till a few minutes left in regulation, and maybe not even then.
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2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs: Conference Quarterfinals Picks

2011-04-13T16:05:00.009-05:00

I'm finding it difficult to even concentrate on the playoffs getting started, now that the Stars have launched Marc Crawford's carcass into orbit to go run a bag skate with some Soviet plutonium. His hire two seasons ago is inexplicable as ever, but comments from GM Joe Nieuwendyk seem to send the message that he was installed as a sort of short-term restrictor plate to toughen up the team for 2 years, with the expectation that the team would take a huge jump forward after he was replaced. Ludicrous as it sounds, it worked in Vancouver. And at least he's gone, and we'll once again see some logic being employed behind the Stars bench, regardless of who becomes the next head coach.

What we will not see is Crawford coaching another NHL team. My pet theory about the relative quality of an NHL head coach is this: Ask yourself whether, if he's cashiered, he'll land another job. In my opinion, the answer with Crawford is a resounding "no," and the brilliant Daryl Reaugh agrees.

Eastern Conference
1. Washington vs. 8. New York Rangers
The Simple Ranking System (SRS), explained here, has been very successful in predicting the winners of playoff series in recent years. However, what SRS does not take into account, for example, is that the Capitals will have Mike Green's services, and the Rangers will not have Ryan Callahan's.
Pick: Washington in 6

2. Philadelphia vs. 7. Buffalo
For the second time in just a few short years, Dan Carcillo's antics will cost the Flyers dearly in the playoffs. Recall his grandstanding after a fight with "Superstar" Max Talbot directly presaging the team blowing a 3-0 lead in a pivotal game against Pittsburgh; now, in last week's game against the Sabres, Carcillo patted the 5'5'' Nathan Gerbe on the head in an obivious slight regarding his height, and then Gerbe scored the game-tying goal and the Sabres won in OT. And of course, the Sabres ended up as the Flyers' first-round matchup. Gerbe will be a household name by the end of this series.

The Sabres have an incredible amount of positive momentum, between their new ownership and the way they've played in the past two months. The Flyers have been standing around waiting to get beat since the All-Star Break.
Pick: Buffalo in 6

3. Boston vs. 6. Montreal
Montreal, always speedy and well coached, will probably ride their home-ice advantage and outstanding power play to a win or two, but the Bruins are just so much better, and deeper, and more well rounded, than the Habs. If I'm ranking my confidence level of my first-round picks, this one is ranked second.
Pick: Boston in 5

4. Pittsburgh vs. 5. Tampa Bay
Probably the toughest series to call. Pittsburgh has inexplicably played better without Sidney Crosby than they did when he was healthy. I think Dan Bylsma has matured into an excellent coach; the Pens control what they can control, rendering the goals they score more infrequently than before proportionally more valuable than they were before. To take nothing away from 56-year-old netminding marvel Dwayne Roloson, 26-year-old Marc-Andre Fleury is the most experienced starting goalie in this year's playoffs. (Um... Wow?)
Pick: Pittsburgh in 6

Western Conference
1. Vancouver vs. 8. Chicago
It's going to be fun to watch all of Canada flip out, Pink Hat Nation style, if Chicago wins game 1 in Vancouver, but the Canucks are the best team in the NHL by a country mile. At even strength, on the power play, shorthanded, in net, up front, on the backline, wherever -- they're a top-5 team. Without Byfuglien and Ladd, both of whom drove the Canucks batshit last season in their second-round matchup, I don't think the Blackhawks have a chance.
Pick: Vancouver in 5

2. San Jose vs. 7. Los Angeles
This is the series I'd take in a suicide pool -- easy call. The Kings are a terrific defensive team, but they were a lame offense even without Anze Kopitar -- their best offensive player -- and Justin Williams -- a playoff veteran with his name on the Cup who scores tough, timely goals. The Sharks have been a house o' fire for two months, and Niemi has been even better than he was last season.
Pick: San Jose in 5

3. Detroit vs. 6. Phoenix
Can Detroit win this series on pure muscle memory? They certainly don't look like the battle-tested ass-kicking machine they've looked like in years past. The Coyotes aren't without hope here, but Bryzgalov is going to have to steal two games. He can certainly do it, as Marc-Andre Fleury did in the first round three years ago en route to the Stanley Cup. Alas, the Red Wings don't employ a soft-headed windbag like Dan Carcillo to help them forfeit any possible advantage they gain.
Pick: Detroit in 6

4. Anaheim vs. 5. Nashville
Another very tough series to call, but one with probably the best strategic matchup in the entire playoffs: Anaheim's dominant top line of Perry/Getzlaf/Ryan versus the Preds' top defense pair of Suter and Weber. Matchup-obsessed Randy Carlyle will try like hell to keep that dominant line away from Suter and Weber, so home ice advantage should be bigger here than usual. Anaheim has quietly assembled an outstanding defensive corps, but I feel like teenage rookie Cam Fowler -- a ghastly minus-24 on a 99-point team -- can be exploited.

The heroics of the incredible Teemu Selanne -- whose late-game scoring prowess in the second half of the season is literally unprecedented in NHL history -- have been a big part of the Ducks' surge into the no. 4 seed. But peep this (scroll down): of all experienced (>500 career games) high-level scorers (>.65 points per game) in the NHL, no one's scoring drops off between the regular season and the playoffs more than Selanne's does. (You were going to guess Joe Thornton, right? He's got the fourth biggest dropoff. The biggest improvement? By far -- more than half a point per game between his improvement and the next best* -- Daniel Briere. If you've watched him over the years, that's not a surprise to you.) I think Nashville wins its first ever playoff series. SRS agrees.
Pick: Nashville in 7

*Next best is another undrafted little French guy who was let go for nothing by a fercockta team: Martin St. Louis.

Scoring Note
Matty asked me the other day whether the scoring changes as the playoff rounds progress, ie, 1-and-1 (outcome/no. of games) for the first round, 2-and-2 for the second round, etc.

The answer: it does not. Unlike with our old 7-and-7 system (not, as might be assumed, a scoring system whereby you drink so much Canadian whisky and soda that you f**k up the spreadsheet beyond all recorgnition), with this one, you don't fall behind the pack by more than a point or two after a bad round, so there's no reason to inflate the scoring.

Two years ago, at ye olde watering hole, we scored the pool in parallel with the simplified single-point system and the 7-and-7 scoring system (in which the scoring progressively inflates), and found there was no reason not to score every round as 1-and-1.

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Oh Christ, Here I Go Again...

2011-04-12T17:19:00.001-05:00

Last year I finished in last place. I think it was my best ever showing in the TOOOAST!!!/Lakewood Landing Eleventeenth Annual Memorial Invitational Stanley Cup Playoffs Picks Pool. In short, I'm not good at this. I'm likely to be more successful by flipping a coin, which really isn't such a bad idea. Let's do this. I'm going to put my picks up not just against the others in this pool, but against the random chance of a quarter. Heads is the high seed, tails the low. Let's light this failure scented candle!

Eastern Conference

1. Washington vs. 8. New York Rangers

Could this really be the year? The Caps have embarked on assembling a more Cup-ready roster this season, now with Jason Arnott and Dennis Wideman, who is hurt and won't play in this series. They should be getting Mike Green back though, who is the rich man's Dennis Wideman. If he's healthy, Green should help on the power play, which is Matty's Key To The Series. If the Caps can score on the Power Play they can sit back in their defensive posture and let the Rangers force the issue and then capitalize (no pun intended) on their mistakes. Predictably I'm going to be a homer and pick the

My pick: Capitals in 5
Coin Says: Capitals

2. Philadelphia vs. 7. Buffalo

Ryan Miller might be the best goalie in the playoffs and the Flyers are probably the best team-minus-the-goalie in the playoffs. So this is a strange series. Still it's not like Buffalo can't score. It's more like they aren't so hot at defense, which to me at least, makes Miller even more critical. The other unknown is how horrific will the Flyers goalies be in the series? Earlier in the year Bobrovsky was a revelation, but recently he's been a revulsion. Brian Boucher is Brian Boucher, i.e. he's fine but not anyone I'd want to pin my Cup hopes on. (Be interested to hear what BMFS has to say on this topic.)
I'm going to go with the better team and assume they'll be able to somehow find some decent goaltending.

My pick: Philadelphia in 6
Coin Says: Philadelphia

3. Boston vs. 6. Montreal

The Bruins are my pick to get to the Finals from the Eastern Conference. They have everything, good scoring, strong defense, and an excellent goalie. All of which means they'll probably lose in the first round. Every time I saw the Canadiens this season they were getting their asses kicked, so as a result my opinion of them is probably too low. What ever. Fuck those fuckers, eh?

My pick: Boston in 4
Coin Says: Montreal

4. Pittsburgh vs. 5. Tampa Bay

This is the series everyone is probably taking for granted as over before it begins. Does Tampa really have any shot at all? Despite the five seed they're probably the weakest team in the Eastern Conference to make the playoffs and an argument could be made they're weaker than the Carolina team that finished 9th. Their goalie situation is lousy and their overall team defense is almost as bad. The wild card may be Sidney Crosby, but I don't honestly think it makes a difference whether he plays or not.

My pick: Pittsburgh in 5
Coin Says: Pittsburgh

Western Conference

I know nothing about the Western Conference so trying to justify my picks as anything other than random guesswork would be insincere. Thus I give you the picks, the coin, and a synonym for poop.

1. Vancouver vs. 8. Chicago
My pick: Chicago in 6
Coin Says: Vancouver
synonym for poop: Creeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap

2. San Jose vs. 7. Los Angeles
My pick: Los Angeles in 7
Coin Says: San Jose
synonym for poop: turds

3. Detroit vs. 6. Phoenix
My pick: Detroit in 5
Coin Says: Detroit
synonym for poop: Doody

4. Anaheim vs. 5. Nashville

My pick: Anaheim in 7
Coin Says: Nashville
synonym for poop: butt dumplings

2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs: Dallas Stars NutzBus Fails to Drive over Speedbump

2011-04-10T20:02:00.006-05:00

With a playoff berth hanging in the balance, the Stars failed to beat one of the NHL's worst teams, the Minnesota Wild -- and looked tired, slow and disorganized in the process. So the Blackhawks -- a team that actually has a chance to knock off Vancouver, if simply from muscle memory -- has clinched the no. 8 seed in the Western Conference.

Sometimes in hockey, a team will get eliminated in the playoffs and only then will it become known that a serious, but undisclosed, injury was hampering one of the team's best players as it underachieved. A similar post-mortem revelation applies to the Stars: we've just been informed Marc "Code Red" Crawford is their coach.

So here you go. Get crackin':

Eastern Conference
1. Washington vs.
8. New York Rangers

2. Philadelphia vs.
7. Buffalo

3. Boston vs.
6. Montreal

4. Pittsburgh vs.
5. Tampa Bay

Western Conference
1. Vancouver vs.
8. Chicago

2. San Jose vs.
7. Los Angeles

3. Detroit vs.
6. Phoenix

4. Anaheim vs.
5. Nashville

Will post my breakdown and picks Wednesday.

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2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs: Dr. FrankenStars' Monster is ALIVE!

2011-04-10T15:30:00.008-05:00

Alright phr00tz, the seedings for the 2010-11 Stanley Cup Playoffs are all settled but one: the no. 8 seed in the West. And your Dallas Stars have their destiny in their own stinky, stinky hockey gloves: win in regulation or OT (but not in the shootout*) and the last playoff berth is theirs.

*A win in the skills contest would cause them to fall short of a tiebreaker they need. This is a good rule -- why should playoff seeding be impacted by something that doesn't happen in the playoffs? -- but, of course, it has the net effect of making the NHL standings appear even more byzantine than they already did.

Which brings us to the 10-months-dormant TOOOAST!!!/Lakewood Landing Eleventeenth Annual Memorial Invitational Stanley Cup Playoffs Picks Pool!

(Of which yours truly is the defending champion, having emerged from a field of, oh, four or five.)

The first-round matchups:

Eastern Conference
1. Washington* vs.
8. New York Rangers

*Matty wanted Bruce Boudreau shitcanned 6 months ago.** Lifelong Caps fan actin' like a pink-hatter.

**And also 4 months ago.

2. Philadelphia vs.
7. Buffalo

3. Boston vs.
6. Montreal

4. Pittsburgh vs.
5. Tampa Bay

Western Conference
1. Vancouver vs.
8. TO BE DETERMINED*

*In large part by Minnesota Wild netminder/blowout patch Jose Threeormore.

2. San Jose vs.
7. Los Angeles

3. Detroit vs.
6. Phoenix

4. Anaheim vs.*
5. Nashville

*Name of "network" that will not be airing any of this who-cares-a-thon of a series.

Like last year, we will be scoring the Pool based on the streamlined version of our old, needlessly complicated scoring system, whereby you get one point for picking the winner of a series correctly and one additional point for correctly predicting the number of games in the series. (I am hereby christening this the "Modified Simpleton scoring" system.)

So tell Bill Loney, Sal Ami, Willie Dewitt, Cole Kutz, Hal Jalikakik, Joe Mamma, Chuck Wagon, Dick Burns, and the rest of the fellas at the Tube Bar -- the Playoffs start Wednesday!

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This Sh*t Is On, Bitch: Caps Get Rangers

2011-04-09T22:45:00.001-05:00

For the second time in three seasons, the Caps and Rangers will face off in a first round playoff match up. This was decided Saturday after the Rangers beat the Devils, which put the ball squarely in Carolina's court. Carolina opted to fumble said ball, losing to Tampa Bay and therefore winning elimination before the start of the playoffs. Well done, Joe Corvo, you dolt.

The Rangers sneak in on the last day, which tells us zero about their ability to advance in the playoffs. The NHL playoffs aren't a crapshoot, but there is an element of luck in it. How much luck is up for debate, but no team should be dismissed regardless of regular season record.

That said, the Caps should beat the Rangers in five or six games. Of course, they should have beat Montreal in five or six games last year and ended up losing in seven, so nothing is set in stone.

Dennis Wideman is out of the first round, but Mike Green should be returning for the first game, which is likely set for Wednesday-ish. With a healthy Green back, the Caps power play should improve and that alone should put them over the top of the Rangers.

The one area where the Rangers are probably stronger than Washington is in goal with Henrik Lundqvist who is one of the best goalies in the NHL. Lundqvist was in goal two years ago when Washington beat the Rangers in seven games though, so it is possible to beat King Henrik. As for the Caps, my preference would be Simeon Varlomov in net, but it seems likely Bruce Boudreau will go with Michal Neuvirth. Neuvirth is not as flashy as Varlomov (and not as good) but he's a perfectly fine goalie and if the Caps lose it's unlikely to be because of him (primarily because Boudreau has an itchy trigger finger when it comes to goalies in the playoffs).

The Caps are a new team this year, far more defensively oriented compared to the run and gun teams Boudreau has brought to the playoffs these last three seasons. This team is, supposedly, more playoff primed and ready to lay it out on the line. The Rangers are no slouch and, honestly, if I were to choose a team to match the Caps up with in the first round, the Rangers would probably be second to last on the list behind Boston. But this is what you get.

To get to the Finals a team is going to have to beat three of the seven teams in their conference playoff bracket. So it stands to reason the Caps may have had to play the Rangers one way or the other. There's gonna be some John Tortilla references 'round these parts.

The puck drops this week. It's playoff time. Bring it on, bitches.

More here at T!!! later on.
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Thoughts On Playoff Match-Ups For YOUR Washington Capitals

2011-03-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

The Caps are winding down the regular season and, with a seat in the playoffs in their back pocket, there are only a few things left to do. 1) Get healthy. 2) Somehow solve the Power Play. 3) Figure out who the goalie should be in Game 1 of the first round. And 3) wait to see who the first round opponent is.

We'll deal with points one and two some other time, and focus on the one thing the Caps have no control over, point three.

I don't fret about the team the Caps draw in the first round too much. Seven teams make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference (besides DC) and to make the Finals the Caps will have to beat three or about half of them. People in the 'match-ups are important!' camp point out last year's loss to Montreal was a case of a good match-up for Montreal and a bad one for Washington and if the Caps had played another team they may have advanced further. I suppose so, but recall Montreal beat the Penguins in the next round as well before petering out against Philadelphia in the Conference Finals so it wasn't like Montreal was just a bad match up for Washington.

Also, who's to say if the Caps wouldn't have lost to any other team they played. The team blew a 3-1 series lead and lost the deciding game on home ice. I'm not sure the match-up was really the big problem.

Moving on to this season, the Caps currently sit second in the standings three points behind Philly who has a game in hand. The Caps have a similar lead over third place Boston, though again Boston has a game in hand on DC. In the division, the Caps are six points up on Tampa. With five games left the likelihood is the Caps will finish either second or third in the conference, meaning they'll face the sixth or seventh seed in Round 1.

Realistically, that is going to be one of three teams. Montreal, who currently holds the sixth seed with 89 points in 77 games played, the Rangers, currently seventh with 87 points in 76 games played, or Buffalo, at 85 points in 76 games played. Carolina is three points out of a playoff spot and they face Buffalo one more time before the season ends so that could happen, but for the sake of argument, let's assume they don't make it.

As odd as this sounds, of the three likely opponents, I'd rather the Caps faced Montreal. The potential to run into a crazy hot goalie in the Ranger's Lundqvist or the Sabres' Ryan Miller is real. In contrast, Carey Price is beatable, and in fact, the Caps beat him repeatedly during the playoffs last season. They've also had their way with Montreal this season, winning three times with their only loss coming in a shootout.

Another way to judge the teams, albeit an admittedly flawed one, is by goal differential. The Caps had the best goal differential in the NHL last season and you see how far that got them, but it's still a measure of overall team quality, which means something. The Caps are a +22, meaning they've scored 22 more goals than they've given up. Montreal (+6) and Buffalo (+11), and what the heck, Carolina (-12) are all significantly below Washington and none of them added players at the deadline of the caliber Washington did.

The Rangers are a different story, coming in with +37, the third best number in the Eastern Conference and significantly better than the Caps. Of course, that's who the Caps are matched up against currently. If the Caps fell to third in the conference and ended up facing any other team, you wouldn't catch me crying about it.
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Three Goalies, A Net And One Rabid Zebra With The Flu

2011-03-25T00:58:00.000-05:00

Now that the Caps are in the playoffs, answer this question: who is their goalie? Much like Fabio, they have three menu choices (if you ever listened to the old Don & Mike show you might get that reference).

Braden Holtby
Aside from having the best hockey name I can currently think of, Holtby has been just awesome. I'm pretty sure he's the only goalie in the modern era to post a save percentage above 100% (though I'll have to check that number later to be sure) and did I mention he has an awesome name? Well, he does.
The problem with Holtby is twofold. He's very young (8 years old this Januapril, I think) and has no NHL playoff experience. The chances of the Caps picking him to start games in the playoffs are exactly the same as the chances the other two goalies get struck by truck/mauled by a rabid zebra/the flu.

Semyon Varlamov
Varlamov is, in all seriousness, twelve feet tall. No, he isn't, but how cool would it be if he was? He could poke-check at the center line. What Varlamov is is the Caps best goalie. He simply stops more shots than anyone on the team, with the possible exception of Mike Green's face. The concern with Varly is injuries and the related rust on his game. Can he step back in and backstop the Caps in a playoff game without losing a step? If it were up to me, he'd be my choice.

Michal Neuvirth
Neuvirth has held the fort down while Varlamov has been hurt, basically the entire season. Holtby has had some runs but mostly it's been Neuvirth in net for the Caps. He's a sound netminder, but the stats say he's not quite as good. I don't think he'll be the reason the Caps lose in the playoffs if he does end up in net, and he can steal a game or two, but he's less likely to take over a series like Varlamov can.

Add it all up and while there may be a right answer, there really isn't much in the way of a wrong one. I'd go with Varlamov if he's healthy (as if that wasn't already obvious) but even if the Caps wind up with Holtby in net at some point, which isn't exactly out of the question, they'll probably won't lose due to lousy goaltending.
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Caps Make Statement Vs. Flyers; That Statement: No Statement Here

2011-03-23T20:29:00.001-05:00

Image courtesy The Washington Post

The build up to last night's Flyers/Caps game in Philly was there. The game had a playoff feel, at least for the first period. But even though the Caps came out on top, 6-5 via the Gimmick, this game really meant nothing and will be forgotten by the time the playoffs roll around.

Still, I'm the one writing about the game, so I should say something, eh? So, OK, here goes. The team who should feel the best about their night's work is the Flyers. Consider:

Two of the first three of Caps goals were pretty soft. The first and third were stops that a starting goalie in an NHL playoff game has to make, but Sergei Bobrovsky didn't stop them. He didn't stop a top shelf deflection by Mike Knuble for the Caps second goal either but that one, at least to me, is a much harder stop.

Spotted three goals, the Flyers had no choice but to focus on offense and they did that. In what became a one sided game for the final 40 minutes, the Flyers fired shot after shot after shot after shot at Michael Neuvirth and were able, to the surprise of nobody who actually saw the game, to take the lead with about five minutes left in the third.

Yes the Caps re-tied it up on a slapshot that, again, maybe the Flyers goalie should have stopped, but the total domination by the Flyers in 5-on-5 hockey is the take-away for me.

There are two other points of note. The first is evident above: the Flyers have an excellent team right up to the goalie, but there they've got some problems. Bobrovsky has come back to earth and Brian Boucher is still Brian Boucher, i.e an unremarkable should-be backup goalie. He played fine, but got totally schooled in the shootout. It's too late for the Flyers to do much about it now, but I bet they'd give their kingdom for any one of the Caps three young goalies.

The other issue is the Caps and to a lesser extent the Flyers were missing too many top shelf players. The Flyers were missing defenseman extraordinaire Chris Pronger missed the game, but the Caps were missing almost too many players to count. For starters, Alex Ovechkin, Mike Green, and new Cap Jason Arnott missed the game with injuries. Eric Fehr's I'm-back-no-wait act continued as he missed part of the second and all of the third periods. Other players were out as well, but none as important to the Caps.

The end result is that, again, these teams are pretty evenly matched. The one big difference is in goal where the Caps suddenly have an embarrassment of riches, while the Flyers are rich with embarrassments. It would likely take two series wins by each team for the two to meet in the playoffs, and if that were to happen the Flyers goaltending situation would surely have been sorted out.

In the end it doesn't matter whether or not the Caps or Flyers ends up first in the Eastern Conference. If any statement was made on Tuesday night in Philly, it was don't read much into this one.
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YOUR Washington Caps Could COULD COULD!!! Win The Eastern Conference

2011-03-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

For a team that has been seemingly struggling throughout the season, your Washington Capitals are in an incredible position. Following a nine game winning streak which ended last night in Montreal, the Caps are only two points behind the Eastern Conference leading Philadelphia Flyers. Philly has two games in hand, so catching them with only ten games left in the season seems unlikely, even though there is a game left head-to-head. But more than unlikely, it's unimportant.

The Caps know firsthand that finishing the regular season with the best record in the NHL earns you a big cup of nothing. Right now the Caps should be focusing on winning the Southeast Division, a one which they're leading by 4 points over Tampa, although Tampa has a game in hand. Winning the SE Division would give the Caps home ice in at least the first round of the playoffs, which quite frankly is good enough. If they're going to win the cup they're going to have to win some road games anyway.

So what sparked this mid-tier team to make a run at the top of the conference after sitting in the middle of the pack in the Southeast division for most of the season? It was the trading deadline, batman. Adding Jason Arnott and Denis Wideman, and to a lesser extent Marco Sturm has allowed the Caps to push through some rough injury-related waters. Despite missing Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom and now Jason Arnott, the Caps are on a run. Since the trading deadline the Caps have picked it up like turning on a light switch, out-scoring their opponents by 12 goals and taking 16 of a possible 18 points.

With the Lightning still the only team in the Eastern Conference with a negative point differential (I keep waiting for that to change and it never does), you have to like the Caps chances to hold on to the top spot in the division over their next ten games. If they can handle that and some of their top guys can find a bit of health along the way, this could be the team that nobody wants to play in April. Or, dare I say it, June.
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Caps Make Teh Purty

2011-03-10T13:13:00.001-06:00

The feeling associated with watching the Caps score is akin to a smaller Christmas morning. Its excitement, its surprise, and depending on the game situation, it might be jubilation. Last night the Caps did that five times against the Edmonton Oilers, who's average age has to be somewhere around 8. The team that couldn't buy a goal bought five of them, and there were quite a few purty purty ones in there too.

The Oilers were outclassed on the ice last night in DC and there was no more glaring example than this:

The puck gets past the Oiler defender at the point and Ovechkin is off like a cannon racing past him and diving to keep the puck in the Oilers zone. With Ovie on the ice Marcus Johansson comes in on the forecheck just long enough for Ovie to get up and strip the same defender of the puck on the wall just inside the blue line. Ovie and Johansson turn around and at this point the only Oiler in their way is goalie Nikolai Khabibulin.

In other words, its a two on none and Ovie and Johansson react by having what is essentially a passing drill. Watch the replay again but focus on Khabibulin's head during the four passes before Ovie roofs the puck. Its impressive that Khabibulin didn't fall down from dizziness by the third pass. Ovie carries the puck in from the blue line passes to Johansson back to Ovie back to Johansson back to Ovie who is almost in the crease by then.

Nobody spun in a circle or passed behind their back or was tripped and fell down and swept the puck in backwards while lying on the ice. This goal was beautiful in the way that doing something perfectly is beautiful.

Maybe a game like this gets the team's offensive juices flowing, but I doubt it. I think this was just a very skilled team getting some bounces against a far less skilled team. We will see, but for now, its just fun to watch as a singular act, devoid of playoff or even game implications. Good goal, fellas.

h/t to DC Sports Bog.
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Don't Look Now, But YOUR Washington Capitals Are In First Place

2011-03-08T17:51:00.000-06:00

Braden Holtby and The Caps are Playoff bound, dammit

(Image from Russian Machine Never Breaks)

When last we left off, I was bitching and moaning (not necessarily in that order) about the Capitals inability to score and inherent in therein their inability to climb the Eastern Conference standings. But after last night's win against second place Tampa, the second overtime win in the state of Florida in two nights, the Caps are first in the Southeast Division, thus they are third in the Eastern Conference.

What's more, they are two little itsy bitsy points behind big bad Philadelphia for the conference lead. The Flyers have two games in hand, so it may end up being more than just two back, but YOUR Washington Capitals are, despite some recent injuries to star players, playing at least passable hockey.

The danger to me seems to be the team's still horrendous power play. The Caps have won eight games over the last month (they are 8-5), and all eight have been by a single goal. The positive spin is that the team is A) learning to play with a lead, and/or B) learning to win the close ones. The negative spin is this is luck and it will even out and the team is going to hit the skids hard if they don't start putting the biscuit in the basket on a more regular basis.

With the caveat that the rosters are different than when the season started out, the four best teams in the Eastern Conference by point differential are Boston (+47), Philadelphia (+34), Pittsburgh (+27, New York Rangers (+29). Despite winning five in a row, the Caps are a +11.

Ah, but you say, the Caps have an ace in the hole in their newly vaunted defense! Well, no. By goals allowed, of the current 8 playoff teams in the East, the Caps are tied for 5th.

The only thing that gives me hope is this: once the playoffs hit, none of the above matters. Seeding in the NHL playoffs is about as unimportant as seeding in any playoff could possibly be. The Caps will get in, and they'll play one team. Whether or not they beat that team will determine if the season was a failure or not.
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What Do You Do With A Caps Team That Gets Their Asses Kicked?

2011-02-25T23:01:00.000-06:00

I don't know what GM George McPhee will do before the trading deadline. I do know that if any scouts from potential trading partners saw the Caps get their asses kicked by the Rangers 6-0 in DC on Friday night, McPhee might not get the return for his players he is hoping for.

The Caps need something, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. Do they need a new coach? Well, I kinda think they do, but that ship has pretty much sailed. For this year, anyway. Do they need a new system? Well, probably, but again, not happening this year. It's just too late for either change.

We're left with what the experts call a trade. The Caps have lots of young talent to deal, but McPhee hasn't shown at previous deadlines that he is inclined to deal young potential for old talent. Sure, he's dealt young for old before (the Sergei Fedorov deal comes to mind) but he's never dealt top line talent. That kind of deal may be necessary this season.

On the plus side they can play defense after all, but there is something really wrong with the offense. Maybe they'll figure it out. But they haven't through 60+ games so that's only a hope, and not based on anything, you know, concrete.

Their power play is horrendous. Even when they seem to make good plays and take good shots they can't put the puck in the net. Is that luck? I don't know.

Does anyone honestly think the Caps can get to the finals as presently constructed? I guess stranger things have happened, but if I were in charge I'd try to do something. God knows what though.
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The Dangers of Looking at Your Credit Statement

2011-02-18T18:04:00.002-06:00

That's a pretty sweet skull-thing tatoo, eh?

Ah, the ingenuity of America. Sure, we don't actually make anything anymore unless you count synergy or dumb words like "synergy", but I defy you to come up with a country that traffics in snarky garbage like the ol' U. S. of A (copyright Republican Party, 400 BC).

So much had to come together for these shirts to happen that was distinctly American. Think there could ever be a scandal like this in France or Germany? Of course not! They'd find out about it and stop it well before it ever became some sort of cultural touchstone. A government lackey would get on the horn to another government lackey - yes, they use actual horns for communication in France and Germany - and the conversation would go something like this:

First Government Lackey: [translated from the original French] Sacrebleu! I just uncovered some a-hole who's been stealing people's money!
Second Government Lackey: Lunch!!

Rest assured they'd nab the dude within seven to ten business days of that conversation too.

But here in the U.S. we encourage, nay! enable fiscal ingenuity. Hey, if you're smart enough to make friends with people dumb enough to give you thousands of dollars by assuring you'll return all of six percent of their money back yearly (provided they keep giving you thousands of dollars and recommend their friends and family and anyone they happen across on the street), what business is it of the IRS? Or the FBI? Or any federal agency outside of the postal service? (Seriously, mail fraud is a serious offense people.)

I can't even get into the vagaries and vulgarities of US copyright law - it reads like it was written by a 12 year old who just discovered swearing - that allows someone to sell a t-shirt with someone else's name on it in a font and color that almost exactly replicates a professional baseball team all without reimbursement or repercussions of any kind. They whole thing is crazy synergistic.

So of course I bought one. Then I got this message:

This transaction will appear on your bill as METS MADOFF.

I'm going to jail, aren't I?

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Caps May Not Do Anything

2011-02-15T18:35:00.001-06:00

It seems everything has already been said and written about this season's Caps squad. Another day, another lethargic performance. The team has sunk to sixth in the Eastern Conference, five points out of first in the Southeastern Division. Their dumbfounding transition from the best offensive team in hockey to one of the worst over a single off season is one of the great mysteries of the age, right behind who the fuck is Justin Bieber and who gives a shit?

With 25 games left in the season, the Caps are getting close to the holy line of demarcation. Making a huge change at this point in the season, be it a coaching change or big trade, may not make sense. The team as currently constructed undeniably has the talent to compete for the Stanley Cup. Maybe the prudent thing to do is simply wait until the playoffs and see what happens.

If the results are the same as the last few years there will certainly be changes over the off season. But the worry here is that means another year will be wasted. There are only so many seasons when the talent is assembled and (relatively) healthy enough to compete for the Cup and regardless of how the team has played over the past three months, this is one of them. Part of the pain of last season's first round loss to Montreal was the complete waste of an amazing season that it represented.

It seems that GM George McPhee has chosen the conservative wait-and-see approach. Sometimes waiting is all that management can do. Give the players and coaching staff enough slack to fail, learn, and then right themselves. Sometimes that can work. Other times they all hang themselves with the rope.

It seems unlikely the Caps would miss the playoffs, but it seems equally unlikely that they'll make a run in the playoffs. Stranger things have happened than both scenarios. Dancing with who brought ya, even if they didn't bring ya that far, may be the only choice left.
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Caps Need To Do Something

2011-02-12T14:14:00.001-06:00

After today's 4-1 loss at home to the LA Kings I'm left wondering what the hell happened to the Caps offense. Sure, their new commitment to defense, which sounds like its straight out of the Oakland Raiders Handbook of Ridiculous Propaganda, is nice, but someone has to score to win the game.

Today's game featured an Alex Ovechkin goal a minute and a half into the game. It was a great individual effort. I'm sure someone got an assist, but essentially it was unassisted. Ovie took the puck down the left side, cut to the middle and fired a laser. After that, which is to say through the next 58 minutes 30 seconds of play which includes three power play opportunities, the Caps had two good scoring chances. Two. This is a team that averaged almost four goals a game (3.9) just last year! The same team had the best power play in the league.

Now, a year later, the Caps are scoring 2.69 goals per game and their power play could easily be the worst in the league if not for a hot start. I heard on today's broadcast they are 3 for their last 37. That's an 8% conversion rate. They may as well be an AHL team.

I don't have an answer for the team's offensive woes. I'm sure part of it is the defensive commitment. When all your players can't rush up ice all the time then of course the goals scored are going to dip a bit. But their problems go beyond just that. The power play unit is the same one that led the league last year. It features two or three of the best offensive players in the league and one of the best offensive defenseman as well. Part of it now is no doubt confidence and another part is probably bad luck.

But its been too long to just be a slump or even an extended slump and its been too feeble for too long to be ignored any longer. In the past I've advocated for the dismissal of a head coach that I like in Bruce Boudreau. I still feel if there is a candidate who has more of a strategic gift than Boudreau might be able to shake the team awake. But something has to be done. We know from the past three years how incredibly offensively talented this team is. Something has to change or another year is going to be wasted.

Stars Hit Iceberg. Film at 11.

2011-01-26T16:47:00.004-06:00

“If you're gonna drive the car in to the ditch, you may as well total it.”

-Craig Ludwig (following the Stars' 7-4 loss to Calgary).

However, if you do total your car, try not to take your wife's car out and t-bone a bus a few nights later.

You'd think that the Dallas Stars players would have been loaded for bear going in to Vancouver last Monday night. They had just been throttled by the lowly Calgary Flames 7-4, and the Canucks were one of only two teams that the Stars were chasing in the Western Conference standings and a win against them would close the gap between them.

Bear? Nope. Try a squirt gun.

During the second period of the Stars 7-1 loss to the Canucks, I received a text from a BMFS:

“Let's see...total ineptitude in own zone, grossly unacceptable special teams, bad goaltending, an own goal...The 2009 Stars are back!”

In two games, the Stars had given up as points as the Green Bay Packers gave the Chicago Bears last Sunday: 14.

Talk about the dam bursting.

Going in to last weekend's final two games of Dallas' Western Canada road trip, the Stars were the hottest team in the NHL and were unbeaten in 2011. Their goalies had the top save percentage and goals-against-average in the league in January. Those numbers got throttled mercilessly in the last two games; from a .954 SV% and 1.42 GAA to .745 and 7.0.

Those numbers make I Saw the Devil look like a Disney flick.

The Stars' special teams took a nose-dive as well. In the eight games in January before the Twin Killings at the hands of Calgary and Vancouver, Dallas' power play was cruising along at 44% (12-27), but went 0-7 in the losses. Their penalty kill had become lethal to opposing power plays units, allowing just a single power-play goal in 2011 while posting an absurd 95.8% (23-24) penalty-kill percentage. That percentage was nearly slashed in half against the Flames and Canucks as the Stars only went 5-for-9 (55%).

Vancouver, specifically, has owned the Stars this season. In their two meetings, the Canucks have outscored Dallas 11-2 and shredded the Stars' penalty killing units, scoring on 6 of their 12 chances.

"We're all going to bounce back," center Brad Richards said, following the loss to Vancouver. "If not, we're going to have to find a different job. We'll take it in the chin tonight but we'll be back."

In the big picture, the Stars were 7-2-1 in their last 10 games and in good shape despite the blowout losses. As of last Wednesday, the Stars still had a fairly comfortable lead in the Pacific Division – three points up on Anaheim with 3 games-in-hand on them and 6 points over Phoenix, having played one less game than the Coyotes. They were still a single point behind Detroit for second in the conference, but slid to 6 points behind Vancouver.

The team is fortunate to have one more game before heading in to this weekend's All-Star break, and Dallas could not have hand-picked a better opponent than the Western Conference cellar dwellers and frequent Stars punching bag, the Edmonton Oilers, to help cleanse the team's palate from back-to-back beat downs.

“Guys were upset today. They didn’t need to be talked to,” said Stars coach Marc Crawford shortly after the team touched down in Dallas last Tuesday. “They knew they weren’t very good, weren’t good enough. I think you could go a step further and say they knew they had a real sub par performance last night. I expect them to be a lot better Wednesday.”

Let's hope so.

Wanted: Caps Offense; Reward For Safe Return

2011-01-19T03:04:00.000-06:00

Anybody seen a goal around here? I know I put it somewhere...

I can't recall seeing a team's offense go from best in the league to totally shut down like that of this season's Washington Capitals. Through November 21st, a shootout loss to the Philadelphia Flyers, the Caps averaged 3.7 goals per game (74 goals in 21 games). This was a continuance of last season's goal scoring force of an offense when the team scored 318 goals for an average of 3.9 GPG. But since that loss in Philly, the Caps have scored only 59 goals in 26 games, or 2.27 a game. For those of you who can't count, that's a drop of 1.5 goals a game, and that's why they're looking up at Tampa in the standings.

That's a numerical look at it, but its also clear from watching the games that this is a team that has no idea how to play offense. And wow is that a weird sentence to type. The Caps dump the puck in (even if they can carry it over the blue line) and once they do that, one or two guys chases after it. If they're actually able to recover it in their own end it rarely results in more than one shot, and that almost always comes from the blue line. The entire team seems to be caught up in this fierce storm of concern over their defensive responsibilities. They can't pass, they can't forecheck, and they can't sustain any offensive pressure.

In the past, I've praised head coach Bruce Boudreau's boldness and I've called for him to be fired. But at minimum, its clear to me the team needs to sink or swim on their own strengths, and up until the end of November, their strengths were solidly towards the goal scoring end of things.

I applaud the idea of increased defensive responsibility, but a goal is a goal and if the trade off is one goal prevented to one and a half scored then that's a losing proposition. The team won last year because they could score at an other worldly pace, so maybe its not fair to expect a repeat performance this season, but completely altering the part of the team that was not only working, but working as well as any part of any hockey team has ever worked, seems like a case of misplaced blame.

Old people love to quote rules about how to win. In baseball they always say pitching and defense wins in the playoffs. Except, you know, when it doesn't. In hockey they say essentially the same thing, defense and goaltending (not in that order) wins in the playoffs, which, again, is true except when it isn't.

The Caps are reworking their team because they believe what they were doing before can't win in the playoffs, or won't win as frequently as a team that is better defensively. This belief stems from five goals. That's all. Five goals in four games, four Game 7s, of which the team has won only once. Three years ago the Caps lost Game 7 to Philadelphia by a goal in overtime. Two years ago the Caps won Game 7 by a goal and then lost Game 7 by four goals. Last year the Caps lost Game 7 by one goal. The combined score of those games has the Caps being outscored by 5 goals.

Those five goals are the basis for the thought that the offensive hothouse Caps can't win in the playoffs, and that thought is the basis for the new defense first scheme which is, judging from the team's players as well as their place in the standings, not working.

What this team needs may not be simple, but it is obvious. They need to, if its still possible, go back to their high scoring scheme, then once they get a lead, clamp down on it. I'm not a hockey expert, but its gotta be possible to have two gears here. When you're up 3-1 in the third, downshift into defensive mode.

But when you come down to brass tacks, its even simpler. The team is composed of some of the best offensive players in the league. Before Boudreau came, Ned Hanlon was the coach and he focused on defense almost exclusively. And the team suffered for it. Then Boudreau came, saw the talent on the roster and thought, running a defense first team with this kind of offensive talent is ridiculous. Well, we're now back to ridiculous. May as well hire back Ned Hanlon.

The Caps are not a defensive juggernaut and forcing them into that box is only going to lead to disaster. They can't abandon what works because of some vague promise of what supposedly works in the playoffs. Instead of a complete overhaul, there has to be some sort of middle ground. The team's season and probably Boudreau's job depends upon it.
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Without Dirk, There's Not Much to Talk About

2011-01-12T13:51:00.003-06:00

Hey Nowitzki! You get a free bowl of soup with that suit?

“Well Dirk’s not here, so let’s not talk about Dirk.”

In one terse response to a reporter's question following the Dallas Mavericks' lose to the Orlando Magic last Sunday, Head Coach Rick Carlisle pretty much summed up the mood of the team these days: frustrated and confused.

Carlisle and the Mavs' players may not want to talk about Dirk's absence or use him as an excuse for their recent struggles, but in reality, there's no avoiding it.

No Dirk equals few wins and demoralizing sledding for the Mavs. It's a good thing they got off to the white hot 24-5 start as they're now needing the buffer they created to keep them in the top half of the Western Conference playoff bracket. Since Dirk went down on December 27 in Oklahoma City, the Mavericks have stumbled to a 2-5 record and their scoring has dropped to just 92.3 points per game over their last seven games, after averaging 99.5 with their superstar in the lineup. While never considered a quality defender, Dirk's absence has killed the Mavericks on the defensive end as well; they've gone from giving up 93.4 points against with Dirk to 96.3 PA without him. They were once a +6.1 in scoring differential and are now a -4.0 in the WDE (Without Dirk Era)..

In the NBA, if a team is to be successful, it has to have a superstar. When a player like Nowitzki is taken out of the rotation, all of the other members of the team get bumped up a notch, or two in the Mavs' case as Caron Butler has been removed as well, and with rising minutes, their weaknesses become exposed. JJ Barea carried the offensive load in the loss against Milwaukee with a season high 29 points, but that can't be counted on regularly. Jason Kidd's offense has left him at a very inopportune time as he is averaging just 7.6 points per game in the last five games while shooting 25% from the field and 24% from three.

Even “Mr. Fourth Quarter,” Jason Terry, the player who the Mavs need more than ever with Dirk down, has been inconsistent. Over his past five contests, he is averaging just 15.6 points on 44% FG and a horrendous 25% on 3FG. Clearly, with no Dirk, he is the focal point of the opponent's defenses and he no longer gets the wide open looks that came with Nowitzki on the court. Ironically, the most reliable option has been the three-point fire balling of DeShawn Stevenson. The throw-in in last season's Caron Butler/Brendan Haywood trade, Stevenson has made the most of his increased minutes and has averaged 19.3 PPG on 48% shooting over the last four games and currently sits fourth in the NBA in three-point shooting.

The offensive quagmire has become so deep that the Mavericks signed former Cavalier and Timberwolves outside threat Sasha Pavlovic to a ten-day contract this week to try and bolster their attack.

Dirk's absence has revealed what many NBA commentators were offering as reason for Nowitzki's MVP candidacy – that no good team has such a precipitous drop-off from its top offensive option to its second scorer than the Mavericks – is accurate. They are lost on offense without him and at times are unwatchable.

A comparison of the top and second scorer on the top ten teams in the league (as of Jan. 12):

Team (Record)	Top Scorer	2^nd Scorer	Difference
SAS (32-6)	Ginobili (19.0)	Parker (17.4)	1.6
MIA (30-9)	James (25.3)	Wade (24.9)	0.4
BOS (28-9)	Pierce (19.0)	Allen (17.6)	1.4
LAL (28-11)	Bryant (24.9)	Gasol (18.4)	6.5
Dallas (26-10)	Nowitzki (24.1)	Terry (15.6)	8.5
CHI (25-12)	Rose (24.3)	Boozer (20.6)	3.7
ORL (25-12)	Howard (21.2)	Richardson (13.9)	7.3*
OKC (25-13)	Durant (28.2)	Westbrook (21.9)	6.3
UTA (25-13)	Williams (21.8)	Millsap (17.8)	3
ATL (25-14)	Johnson (18.6)	Horford (16.3)	2.3

*The second-leading scorer for most of the season for Orlando was Vince Carter (15.1 PPG) so the difference was 6.1. However, even with Carter traded, Howard is still flanked by six double-figure scorers, Dirk has just two. Also, there is not a single team, no matter their record, in the NBA with as large a discrepancy between their top scorers as the Mavericks.

Thankfully, only four of Dallas' next eleven opponents possess winning records, but the Mavericks' recent losses to Toronto and Milwaukee – both at home – have shown that, in in their current state, nothing can be taken for granted. The Mavs have lost five of the seven games Nowitzki sat out. They only lost five of the twenty-nine he started.

There's no way around it; you can't talk about the Mavericks these days without first issuing the disclaimer, “without Dirk in the lineup...”

Ovie Scores! Finally!

2011-01-09T15:20:00.003-06:00

Its been a long season for two time MVP Alex Ovechkin. Ovie is on pace for his worst offensive season since joining the the league. If he continues this pace he'll score the fewest goals and accumulate the fewest points. He's basically been triple teamed at every possible opportunity. But last night, for a few seconds, he got some space to work with. The result was the old Ovechkin appeared.

Here's what happened:

Florida's defender on the play, Bryan McCabe, got his stick into Ovechkin's skate a hundredth of a second after Ovechkin got the shot off. The result was, as is often the case with Ovechkin's goals, sniper-like skill combined with the power and speed of a charging bull. Thank God I'm not an NHL goalie.
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That's Not Funny, Jackie!

2011-01-09T15:08:00.000-06:00

Uh, yes it is.

From the Washington Post

He's having his groin examined. Now that's humor.

In other news, HOT DOGS AND DONUTS!!! ITS FUNNY BECAUSE IT REALLY MEANS PENISES AND VANGINAS!!!
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Jon Heyman: Internet Bullsh*t Artist

2011-01-08T16:37:00.000-06:00

Its been a few months since I mentioned Jon Heyman in this space. During that time I listened to an interview with Heyman on the awesome Baseball Prospectus Podcast (you checkem out good) and somewhat surprisingly, Heyman came off as a good guy. Or at least I couldn't hear any clomping of cloven hooves in the background. Maybe his palatial estate is fully carpeted.

So I'm if not turned around on the guy, at least open to him not being the baseball reporting version of the beastmaster. Then I came across this on MLB Trade Rumors, headlined, "Yankees Still In On Soriano":

Despite Yankees GM Brian Cashman's insistence that the club will not surrender a first-round pick to sign any of the currently available Type A free agents, they are still in on Rafael Soriano, according to Jon Heyman of SI (via Twitter). Scott Boras, who represents the 31-year-old, recently said that his client would be open to a set-up role with the Yanks.

The first sentence in the above quote refers to this statement from Yankees GM Brian Cashman:

“I will not lose our No. 1 draft pick. I would have for Cliff Lee. I won’t lose our No. 1 draft pick for anyone else.”

So lets get the order of operations correct here.

1. Yankees GM publicly states team isn't interested in Scott Boras client Rafael Soriano

5. Jon Heyman reports Yankees are "still in on" Scott Boras Client Rafael Soriano

You may have noticed the numbering system is not sequential. That's because I left out a few steps. Here's the actual order of events:

1. Yankees GM publicly states team isn't interested in Scott Boras client Rafael Soriano

2. Scott Boras calls Jon Heyman/2a. Jon Heyman calls Scott Boras -both get busy signals

3. Heyman puts on bunny slippers, goes out on roof, lights up Boras Signal. Blinded by brightness of Boras signal, two Boeing 727s slam into each other. Hundreds dead. Alerted by lackey who's job it is to watch for Boras Signal, Boras's secretary calls Heyman on land line.

4. Conversation goes thusly:
Secretary: Can you confirm the secret words?
Jon Heyman: Oh Captain, my Captain.
Secretary: Hi, Jon. I'll put you right through. Just a second...
JH: Thanks, Margaret. Hope your son is feeling better.
[Burning Heart by Survivor plays on hold]
Scott Boras: Yes, my son.
JH: I sense a disturbance.
SB: Yes.
JH: Can you confirm for me that the Yankees have not called you to say they are out of the bidding for Soriano?
SB: I can confirm that.
JH: Then it stands to reason that the Yankees must still be in the bidding then. I'll write it up immediately.

5. Jon Heyman reports Yankees are "still in on" Scott Boras Client Rafael Soriano

The part that kills me about this is the speed in which it was done. It took about a day for Heyman to react to the Cashman quote, a quote which I think you'll agree is pretty air tight. "I would have for Cliff Lee. I won’t lose our No. 1 draft pick for anyone else.” I don't see much wiggle room there.

Sure, this could be a smoke screen, but that's also exactly how Heyman can justify his report. He can report anything he wants because all he has to do is say someone told him without even mentioning who it was who told him. Essentially its a license to make stuff up, or at a minimum, to pass along self serving information thinly disguised as reporting.
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Happy New Year: Caps Poop On Pens Heads

2011-01-05T01:49:00.006-06:00

[Editor's Note: I should've written this a week ago. But I didn't. Sue me.]

From a Caps perspective, The Winter Classic presented lots to be proud of. The win, of course, was nice. It was a clean, well played win on an opponent's home field, er... rink... er... field. It was a win under duress, the pressure of national TV, of playing one of the best - if not the very best - team in the NHL, and a team that, by the way, happens to be the Caps most bitter of rivals.

The term 'playoff atmosphere' is thrown around a lot, but outside of the playoffs themselves, this was about as close as one can get to replicating those conditions. The big build-up led to a playoff feeling among the fans, and the players themselves admitted they felt it too. The Caps stepped up, which as a fan, is a good feeling. Of course, nobody was saying the Caps can't win a game in the playoffs. Its more like they can't win a game seven in the playoffs.

That said, here's the two take away points, bullet style:

Caps Fans - As a collective, Caps fans aren't known for traveling well. Historically they barely traveled to home games, let alone road ones. But for this game, Caps fans were out in force. The DC Sports Bog did a number of pieces on the number of Caps fans taking over downtown Pittsburgh, and of the 65,000 spectators its been estimated that anywhere between 20,000 and 30,000 were rock'n the red. Caps fans will probably never be Penguins or Steelers fans (most of them have lives after all) but ts nice to turn the tables once in a while and take over an opponent's facility for a change.
Defense - Since the Bruce Boudreau era got underway, the Caps problem hasn't been scoring, its been stopping the opposition from the same. The word on the street is Boudreau is dialing back his go go go offensive system a bit in attempt to increase his team's defensive capacity. If the last nine games are any indicator (and they may not be), its finally working. Over those nine games (since the 7-0 ass kicking they received in New York), the Caps have given up 16 total goals, which includes three games that went to OT. Its an average of 1.8 goals per game. Yes, the Caps aren't scoring in bunches like they used to, but that probably wasn't going to happen anyway. Instead, the team is dedicating itself to playing good defense, and that's an important key to winning in the playoffs.

In the Winter Classic, the Caps held the Penguins (who scored 7 tonight against Tampa) to a single goal. This is the Penguins, one of the best offensive teams in the NHL, on a national stage and the Caps essentially stopped their world class offense cold.

That the Caps played well against the best the NHL has to offer on a stage that is about as big as it gets is encouraging. They held the great Sidney Crosby pointless and could easily have scored five goals on the day as well.

But, the final point, is that it was just two points in the standings. If the Caps get dumped in the first round again this year nobody will take any consolation in what happened at Heinz Field.
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Blackout Blogging After Xmas

2010-12-26T00:18:00.003-06:00

So I'm sitting here in the basement of my mother's basement apartment in the basement of my grandmother's house, just a few gulps left in my 150th egg nog and feeling the need to throw something down before I throw a bunch more up.

Another Xmas done. Lights still looking fly. Although I didnt really need lights today - those master engineers at Fucktard State in Portland provided us with a steady stream of flourescent sneakerage on NBA telecasts all day long. Newflash you beaver-lovin', ADD-havin', so-called shoe-designers: Neon green is NOT a fucking shade in the Lakers' color palette. Lady Gaga pink is not a Portland Trail Blazers' hue. Are you stoners just trying to see how freaking far you can push the envelope until someone finally says, "Hey, wait a minute. Are these guys fucking with us? $150 for THESE?""

Somehow the Ducks fans in Eugene, Oregon have created a monster; the Oregon Ducks football team, while growing in to an annual BCS superpower, has allowed the mad scientists at Nike to continue to try and expand our consciousness by throwing in corrugated metal prints and emergency vehicle hues. I'm sick and tired and I'm not going to take it any more!!!..Also, I'm never gonna buy Nike hoop shoes, no matter how hard you make it for me to find any other brands at the mall.

Non sequitor of the day: How has Vince Carter never been referred to as "Vince Cancer?" As in, "The Orlando Magic are playing SO much better now that Vince Cancer has been removed."

Alright - the leftovers have been wrapped and put away...the trash and wrapping paper shreds have been collected and discarded like the Texas Rangers' hopes for a second consecutive playoff birth and a rum-induced blackout is on the horizon like an amoeba-shaped rain system on Doppler radar...

Time to go down to my basement bedroom to pass out on my side...

OH YA!! Thank you David Buehller for the late Xmas gift!

Merry Christmas suckaz, and to all a Happy Boxing Day (which will actually be observed on Tuesday in Canada because Christmas is being observed on Monday. It's a metric calendar thing, you wouldn't ounderstande.

Celebrate The Holidays With The Best Shape Of My Life Drinking Game!!!

2010-12-23T13:02:00.000-06:00

Its that time of year. Baseball's off season is the time of year when journalists have nothing to write about and players have nothing to say. In short, its a time of extreme cliche.

Every year twelve thousand baseball players wake up from two months of eating Cheetos and drinking Coors, look at their gut, and go "Oh shit!" Throw in a desperate journalist on deadline and you get articles like this. Or this. Or this. Sometimes you get creative types who do things like this. In any case, there's a glut of these ridiculous pieces every year. They're so meaningless and cliche that there aughta be/should be/IS a drinking game!

Its the Best Shape Of My Life Drinking Game!!!

Here are the rules:

Rule 1: If you read the words "best shape of my life" any where, any time, ever, drink.

Those are the rules.

Doesn't matter if you saw them in a newspaper, online, or even if you heard them muttered by an athlete at the Safeway, if they're the magic words, you drink, bitch.

Doesn't matter what time of day it is. Doesn't matter what day of the week it is. I don't care if you dreamed them and have to break a religious fast. The Best Shape Of My Life Drinking Game takes precedence!*

*Don't believe me? Wait till you get to the pearly gates and ask St. Peter, ho.

If you're web-surfing on your smart phone to avoid talking to granny on her birthday and you see the magic words, grab that dusty bottle of vodka off the shelf, the one that hasn't moved since the Eisenhower administration, rip the cap off and guzzle!

If you catch a glimpse of the magic words in the paper on the subway in the morning, grab that plastic bottle from that homeless guy (hope it isn't urine) and take a swig!

If you're procrastinating at the office and see the magic words on a page you've opened to hide your porn from passers by, run down the hall, break into the boss's office; he's got a secret stash in the bottom of the closet, behind the shoes. Rip that it open and go to town!

If you get a text message at Midnight Mass, don't hesitate (Jesus wouldn't hesitate), rush up to the Alter, drop your head in the Sacramental wine and slurp that shit up!

The Best Shape Of My Life Drinking game: Like Billy Dee Williams, it works every time.
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Don't Sleep on DeShawn

2010-12-22T15:30:00.003-06:00

While the Mavericks have been scrutinized lately for repeatedly giving up large leads this season, they still have only actually lost a handful of games this year. It's almost nitpicking. Haters feel the need to criticize the Mavs despite their owning the second-best record in the Western conference at 23-5 and winners of 16 of their last 17 games as they entered their Christmas break. Man, fans can be spoiled sometimes.

The trait most MFFL's are overlooking is the number of times this season that Dallas has rocketed out to sizable leads from the opening tip. I'm going to dub it the The Stevenson Effect. Ever since guard Deshawn Stevenson was inserted in to the starting lineup in the sixth game of the season against the Celtics back on November 8, the Mavs are 20-3. His physical presence has made them a better defensive team and his white-hot three-point shooting this season – 49.3%, a career high and 4^th in the NBA - has made him a weapon that opposing defenses cannot ignore. His brashness seems to have rubbed off on his teammates as well as the Mavs have been confident and composed from the first moment they hit the court, especially on the road, where the Mavs are 10-1 for the season, best in franchise history. In addition, Dallas has led after the first quarter in 17 of the 23 games he has started.

The Mavericks have been dubbed The Streak Busters by NBA cognoscenti after snapping six opponent's winning streaks of five games or more (Boston, New Orleans, Oklahoma City, San Antonio, Utah and Miami) and Stevenson has been a starter for every single one of those streak-ending wins. As a player who was best known before this season for his YouTube shooting contest against Gilbert Arenas, his on-court woofing with LeBron in past playoff match ups and the classic “I Can't Feel My Face” gesture after hitting a three, Stevenson has turned a corner this season and is playing with a maturity, work ethic and selflessness that many never thought he would reach.

Dallas has not allowed a team to shoot over 50% against them for the season, the only squad in the NBA who can make that claim. Stevenson has helped set the defensive tone at the beginning of each half for all but the first five games this campaign, and the Mavs were a mediocre 3-2 in those tilts. Granted, Tyson Chandler has to be given the bulk of the credit for the Mavs' defensive improvement, but Stevenson needs to be recognized as well.

Dirk, Jason Kidd, Caron Butler and Jason Terry receive headlines on a daily basis, but I say it's time to throw the Mav's own Junk Yard Dog, DeShawn Stevenson, a bone.

Top Trades in Dallas Stars History

2010-12-22T15:23:00.001-06:00

Watching Mike Ribeiro and Stephane Robidas play against the Montreal Canadiens, the franchise that originally drafted them, and thinking how little the Stars gave up to get those cornerstones of their roster, I began grinding away to think of the best trades in Dallas Stars history. Are there any other trades that were as big a fleecing by Dallas as these two?

As a matter of fact, there are some that are even more one-sided than the Ribeiro or Robidas deals. As my Christmas gift to you, I give you the Top Trades in Dallas Stars History:

1. Stars acquire Sergei Zubov from Pittsburgh for Kevin Hatcher. Seriously. This happened. Zubov amassed 549 points in his twelve seasons with Dallas, three All-Star selections, a Stanley Cup and innumerable Gary Oldman comparisons. Hatcher only played five seasons after the trade and fell in to a well.

2. Stars acquire Guy Carbonneau from St. Louis for Paul Broten. The Broten name carries sizable weight in Stars franchise history, unfortunately for Paul it was his brother Neal that established that notoriety. As we all know, Carbonneau can essentially be credited with creating the winning culture around the Stars while Broten played just 17 games after the trade and was out of the league.

3. Dallas acquires Mike Ribeiro and a 2008 6^th round pick for defenseman Janne Niinimaa and a 2007 5^th round pick. Ribeiro has led the Stars in scoring in three of his four seasons here while Niinimaa is currently playing for something called HV71 in the Swedish League.

4. Stars originally acquire Stephane Robidas from Atlanta for a 6^th round draft choice in 2002. They later sign him as a free agent after the lockout when it appeared no other franchise was interested. Robidas was an All-Star last year and has been the Stars best defenseman since Sergei Zubov left.

5. Stars acquire Kari Lehtonen from Atlanta for Ivan Vishnevskiy and a 4^th round pick. It may seem a little early to rank this trade with the others, but the way Lehtonen has played so far this season, and the realization that he is still just 27, combined with the fact that Vishnevskiy hasn't even played an NHL game since the trade, make this swap a heist in favor of the Stars.

Didn't See it; Gotta Write About it

2010-12-19T16:24:00.019-06:00

Just like Babe Ruth's legendary called shot at Wrigley Field...
only if the Babe been saying in his head, Bring it! I got this muthafucka!

Stuck in Dallas on the worst possible kind of football weekend -- when FOX doesn't have the doubleheader and the Cowboys are playing a competitively irrelevant team (sorry, Matty and Snizza) -- I wasn't sure I'd watch the Eagles/Giants game. Our friend Bill, who has Sunday Ticket and whose team wasn't playing a noon game, invited me to watch the game over there; I said I'd give him a ring and let him know.

I got up, started in on a pot of coffee and some editing, and tuned in to listen to the game on satellite radio. I figured if it was breaking like a good game, I'd go over to Bill's. Well, the Eagles' offensive possessions started like this: pick, 5 plays, three and out, FG thanks to a tip-drill pick by Eli in Eagles territory, 6 plays (1 first down)... Meanwhile the Giants were up 14-3 early in the second, then 17-3. But beginning in that FG drive, the Eagles defense seemed to tighten up. Maybe they could get back into this thing. I put my wallet and keys in my pockets and put my shoes on. The Eagles even had time to get some points on the board before the half.

When a Jeremy Maclin fumble was swiftly converted into another Giants TD* -- 24-3 -- I emptied my pockets, took my shoes back off, and called Bill: "I don't think I can listen to any more of this, let alone watch it," I think I said. Wanting to hear a team account for itself respectably, I flipped over to the Detroit Lions broadcast.

*This happened just a couple plays after rookie safety Will Allen lunched his knee (out for the season), which Philly talk-radio hosts are tentatively blaming on Donovan McNabb because Allen was drafted with the pick the Eagles received from Washington in the McNabb trade.

(Turns out, had I been watching the game on TV, I'd have seen that the fumble was a bad call -- Maclin never had possession while making a so-called Football Move -- that was somehow upheld on replay. Evidently Mike Pereira said as much on the FOX broadcast. For the record, Merrill and Mike thought it was a fumble. But Merrill is 68 and Mike is kinda slow on the uptake.)

On the mighty right arm of the Sex Cannon, the Redskins were creeping back into the game in Dallas, so I went into the other room and started watching that game. The Eagles score but the game stalls; it's 24-10 after three.

The Redskins actually tie the game with the Cowboys, and that wonderful whiff of panic sets in here in Dallas.* Are we really gonna lose to these jokers? I thought they quit on the season weeks ago! Rex Grossman? Really? The Giants score again -- it's 31-10.

*There is nothing better than Cowboy fail for fans of other NFC East teams living here. The Monday night they inducted Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin into the Ring of Honor -- when the Redskins gained about 60 total yards in the first 55 minutes of the game and then rallied to win 14-13 on two long bombs for TDs** -- was one of the more memorable days of my 8 years here.

**You remember who threw those TDs? Mark Brunell! Mark Brunell was decrepit then... And he's still in the league!

Almost immediately after the Giants TD, it's Curt Menefee* with another game break: it's a 67-yard TD from Michael Vick to Brent Celek; 31-17.

*"From? Coe College!"

Less than 3 minutes later, Menefee again: Eagles kicked onsides, recovered it, Vick goes off-tackle for a 4-yard TD; 31-24. Time to go back into my office and pick up Merrill and Mike on Sirius again.

The Giants eat about two and a half minutes off the clock -- Eagles use all their times out to limit the damage -- but the drive stalls about 5 yards short of field-goal range. Eagles ball with 3:01 left at their own 12. Vick salvages the prospect of a win with a scramble on third and 10.

The Cowboys kick a field goal and hang on for the win. At 3:13 PM, FOX picks up the bonus coverage... for two minutes, until the NFL rules kick in and FOX can't show any more live action. Of course, they have to accommodate the CBS doubleheader I can't watch because two godforsaken, moribund teams played at the Death Star in Arlington.

I had the privilege to witness two plays on TV: a pass over the middle to Celek and a touchdown pass to Jeremy Maclin. The Eagles did not have another third down on the drive after the Vick scramble. Back into the office to listen to the PAT.

Keys, wallet, shoes. Phone. As I start to dial Bill, the phone rings. "Are you gonna come watch this?" I tell him I'm going to hang with the radio broadcast until it appears overtime is imminent, then haul ass over there. There's still an awful lot of time on the clock and the Giants still have all their times out.* And they got a pretty decent kickoff return.

*Yes, "times out." That's how it be. Also: "Ten items or fewer."

The Giants call three passing plays -- not bad strategy considering their goal was to score, not run clock, but they could have run without it wasting time because they still had all their times out -- and go three and out, with the third play a sack of Eli Manning.

Merrill and Mike are absolutely fucking punchdrunk at this point. Merrill actually says, "If the Eagles find a way to win this game, it will be the most memorable game I have ever broadcast." Merrill, mind you, called the Miracle at the Meadowlands* in 1978, the NFC Championship Game in 1980 against the involuntarily blue-clad Cowboys, the 2004 NFC Championship Game with Chad Lewis catching the clinching TD on his keister in the end zone after tearing a ligament in his foot running the route... That's just how batshit insane this game has become.**

*During this time period, I do not recall any reference to the Miracle at the Meadowlands on the radio. Which is a good thing in my opinion, although I'm not sure I can explain why. They did, however, mention Brian Westbrook's 2003 punt return TD with 1:16 left to beat the Giants at the old Meadowlands.

**Merrill Reese became the Eagles' play-by-play man in the middle of the 1977 season -- when their existing play-by-play man committed suicide. This should give you some idea of the relative quality of Philadelphia Eagles football between the early 1960s and the late 1970s. (Note: Suicide not actually funny.)

Here is some really poor-quality audio of what transpired next. I can't find a better version yet.

I thought this was an outstanding, unforgettable call, largely because of Merrill's customary way of counting off the yardage by fives -- he always does this for long plays. I always love the explosive change in tone when the return man is in the clear, in this case right around midfield.

(That said, my all-time favorite radio call is still the Titans radio call of the Music City Miracle, just because of the utter shock at what had just transpired. It was a far wilder play than today's "Miracle," and in a playoff game no less. I love it when the color commentary guy starts saying "he's got somethin'... he's got somethin'..." And "There are no... flags... on the field! It's a miracle!", to me, is pro football's closest equivalent to "I don't believe... what I just saw!")

Mike Quick: "It's the Miracle at the Meadowlands... Number Two!"

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Redskins Bench McNabb, I Shit Brick

2010-12-18T01:38:00.003-06:00

photo from Washington Post

With today's news that Donovan McNabb has been benched for this weekend's Dallas game and presumably for the rest of the season, one is left to wonder what else could go wrong this year? Whatever didn't happen to the team, they did to themselves. The team looked prime for, if not contention, then at least respectability. That ship is, to mix my metaphors, fucked. But even in the face of losing, even in the face of getting their butts kicked, the Redskins organization has managed to look like they don't have a fucking clue what it is they're doing.

That they can't even handle a well thought of professional with any class is shocking. Instead of playing McNabb over the final three weeks and then gently letting him go his own way next season, they chose to look like shit on national TV. Again. Because that is what choosing Rex Grossman as your starting quarterback means. "I choose Rex Grossman" translates directly to "I want to look like a fucking moron. Please set my balls on fire while I'm walking past the food court in the mall so I can scream like a little girl who's had her cheese stick taken away and sprint pantless into the fountain by the escalators".

The Redskins spent two draft picks on McNabb, and now they're going to humiliate the guy they gave those picks up for, then watch him walk away for nothing. And I'm supposed to believe this organization has turned over a new leaf? This deal has worked out as badly as I could have possibly conceived. If McNabb was abducted by aliens and repeatedly anal probed to the point where he couldn't walk, at least that wouldn't be the organizations fault. Instead, the guy has played fine - not great, not good, but fine - behind an atrocious offensive line with skill players who might not get drafted during my family's Christmas backyard football game. The Redskins offense sucks and it is decidedly one thousand billion percent not Donovan McNabb's fault.

Still, if the Redskins were convinced that McNabb wasn't in their future plans and they thought they could save a draft pick in next year's draft by not playing him, it might be reasonable not to play him. Disrespectful, yes, but at least there'd be some logic behind it. The first pick they gave up for him was a second rounder in last year's draft. The second pick is either a third or a fourth rounder in the upcoming draft, depending on how McNabb plays this year. It might make sense, seeing as this season is beyond lost, to not play McNabb if by doing so the Redskins can avoid giving the Eagles that pick in next year's draft. However, after looking at NFL.com 's draft order, the Redskins will lose both their third and fourth round picks whether McNabb plays or not.*

*If McNabb meets certain criteria (who knows what those might be) the Eagles get the Skins third rounder and the Saints get the fourth. If he doesn't, the teams reverse. Either way the Skins get nothing. God, they're dumb.

McNabb represents two things the Redskins organization has typically dealt poorly with. First he's a big name veteran player from another organization. Cha-CHING!! Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Jeremiah Trotter, and Adam Archuleta. All awful. Actually Smith was an alright if pointless acquisition. Can you name one big name player from another organization who played well for the Redskins? Maybe Smith, but probably not. London Fletcher is really the beginning and end of that list.

Second, McNabb is a smart, well respected and classy guy. Look at the way Snyder's Redskins handled other smart, well respected and class guys, like LaVar Arrington, Jason Campbell, and Laveranues Coles. At least Sean Taylor had the good graces to die before the organization could fuck him over. Its pretty clear they aren't interested in creating a reputation as an organization that anyone would want to actually work for.

The Redskins are going to lose to the Cowboys. Probably embarrassingly so. Maybe they'll drop a sure touchdown pass in the final seconds. Maybe they'll be down 35-0 after the first quarter and Chris Cooley will take a shit on the field. Then, once that's done, they'll lose to Jacksonville and the Giants. Then they'll go the fuck home. I, for one, will be glad to be rid of them for a while.
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Eff Steroids! Gimme One of These!

2010-12-15T13:42:00.006-06:00

Now that Cliff Lee has flown the coop and left the Texas Rangers in a quandary regarding their starting pitching, Metroplex baseball fans are blankly staring at each other wondering "What the figgity are we gonna do now? So much for ever making the playoffs again."

(Big echo-y announcer voice from the sky): NOT SO FAST RANGERS FANS! Here's your answer right here in the form of some wardrobe cast-off from Tron or something! Err..uh.. I'll let the experts do the talking from here!"

"Three engineering students from Northeastern University have developed a "data-logging" compression shirt that helps baseball pitchers avoid torn ligaments. The high-tech sheath, which is fitted with motion sensor and a web of conductive threads, tracks its wearer’s pitching mechanics during a game in real time, then relays that data to a monitor in the dugout. By analyzing the information, coaches can spot inconsistencies that could result in injury, whether as a result of fatigue or poor technique."

“No single device for measuring the quality of pitching mechanics currently exists,” says Marcus Moche, one of the designers. “So we have proposed a shirt that is lightweight and can be worn during bullpen sessions or exhibition games.”

Apparently, somewhere around $54 million in salaries are lost each year due to the injuries that this super-shirt is designed to help avoid. Maybe the Rangers will be able to produce a staff of clones with perfect deliveries to help defeat the Evil Empire yet again!

(Big announcer voice again): And it can be yours for just $200! Call now! Operators are standing by! But that's not all! If you order in the next 15 minutes, you get a free, never-been-worn Cliff Lee Yankees jersey!

Holy Shit: Lee Signs With Phillies

2010-12-14T00:47:00.000-06:00

Tonight, Cliff Lee is a friend to all Red Sox fans.

Lee left at least $60 million on the table tonight by shafting the Yankees and signing with the Phillies. Reading comments from Yankee fans online over the past six months, all expected Lee, with 100% certainty, to sign with New York. Now that Lee has rejoined the Phillies, the Yankees nightmare scenario has taken shape.

As of yesterday, the Yankees starting rotation is the following:

1. C.C. Sabathia
2. AJ Burnett
3. Phil Hughes
4. Who cares
5. Who cares

As of today, its the same damn thing.

While Sabathia and Hughes were good last year, Burnett was replacement level. You're just not going to win in the AL East, let alone the AL, with one good starting pitcher, four crappy ones, and a very good offense. You need more.

The Yankees were certain they'd get more, certain Lee would sign with them, but now that he isn't, well, this leaves the Yankees in some trouble. They were attempting to bring Andy Pettitte out of yet another self serving "retirement", but does Pettitte really want to come back and be the Yankees #2 pitcher? Maybe for a ridiculous sum of money he will, but even if he does the man missed a good third of the season last year with injuries. He'll be 39 years old next year so its not like he's a good bet to throw 250 innings plus the playoffs.

The Yankees absolutely need another starting pitcher, and here comes the hilarious part. The best starter on the free agent market is... Carl Pavano. I can't tell you how erect I am right now.

Of course, they are the Yankees and they do print money in the basement of their (taxpayer funded boondoggle of a) stadium, so its not like they're done. Also, they have about $160 million over seven years freed up, so you'd expect them to spend money on something. But, again, here's the thing: there is nothing to spend money on! The best free agent left on the market is Adrian Beltre who plays third base. Are they going to sign him? No, because doing so would require moving A-Rod to DH and even the Yankees aren't rich and/or stupid enough to pay Mr. Arthritic Hip $32 million each of the next 7 years to DH. Even if they did that they'd have no roll for Jorge Posada and his 39 year old $13.1 million earning ass.

So, the Yankees are fucked. I'm sure they'll end up doing something. They have the money and they actually have a decent farm system, so someone some where will give them a starting pitcher, I'd suspect. But who ever he is, he won't be half the pitcher Lee is. This is too delicious for words.

As for the Phillies (how could I have written this much on this topic without mentioning them?), they have to immediately enter the discussion for the best starting rotation ever in the history of baseball. Right now, before any pitches have been thrown. Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels? Oh my God, that is completely f'n sick! A corollary to that: how is Jayson Werth feeling tonight, having left the Phillies for the Nationals, a team that was dumb enough to give him a huge contract?

Werth's Agent: Hey Jayson, did you hear? The Phillies just re-signed Cliff Lee!
Werth: [pukes]

They have to be dancing a jig in Philadelphia tonight, but its nothing compared to the mosh pit at the Fenway Park offices.
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Sadly, Its Time For Boudreau To Go

2010-12-13T16:27:00.000-06:00

Last night, having lost five in a row, the Caps went into New York to face the Rangers and got the shit kicked out of them, 7-0. Yes, the team is still first in their division and solidly in the playoffs if the season ended today, but would anyone pick them to win even a game against anyone in the first round? I certainly wouldn't. I think its time for the Caps to seriously consider changing head coaches.

Lets go back three years to the '07-'08 season. The Caps made a run at the end of the season and faced the Flyers in the first round. They lost in seven games. Yes, the Caps lost to a 6 seed as the 3 seed, but that was a function of winning a crappy division. The Flyers had one more point in the regular season than did Washington, and Washington came back from down 3-1 to force the 7th game. It didn't end like we wanted it to, but it felt like the start of something, maybe something big.

Two years ago the Caps finished second in the Eastern Conference. In the first round they were taken to a seventh game by the lowly Rangers, who sneaked into the playoffs on the final day (if I remember correctly). Washington barely pulled out the Game 7, scoring in the final five minutes of the third to break a tie. They went on to lose in the second round to the eventual Stanley Cup champion Penguins in seven games. The Penguins finished 9 points behind Washington in the regular season. It was, again, not how the team wanted their year to finish, but it was an advancement -if slight- over the previous year. Things were trending upwards.

Last year, a the Caps dominated the regular season, winning the President's trophy by a wide margin. Going into the first round of the playoffs, the Caps team were heavily favored to beat a Montreal team that finished 33 points behind them during the regular season. Experts were picking Washington to steamroll Montreal, but instead the Caps lost in seven games. It was one of the most embarrassing playoff losses in modern NHL history.

There are two trends to take from those previous three seasons, all under Coach Boudreau. The first is the team's general lack of success in the playoffs. Four playoff series in three years, all against teams which finished behind Washington in the standings, and the Caps are 1-3 in those series.

The second trend is the inability to put teams away. Every one of those four series went to seven games, despite the fact that the teams the Caps were playing were, by expert opinion and by regular season standings, not as good as Washington.

After each of the playoff losses there were whispers, louder each time, that the Caps were out-coached. Whispers that their opponents made adjustments to the Caps style and system and the Caps either didn't or were not able to readjust. I can't speak to whether or not that is true, but I've heard it from numerous blogs and mainstream writers. Its one thing to lose, its another to lose to lesser opponents, its yet another to lose to lesser opponents repeatedly, and its something else to do so where everyone in the know can see the problem.

I shouldn't say everyone though, because obviously the team's brain-trust doesn't see their coach as part of their problem. Or didn't after those playoff losses. Or didn't to the point where they felt a change was necessary. But that may be starting to change. Seven losses in a row, including three shutouts and an embarrassing 7-0 loss to a mediocre opponent can start to make you see things differently.

I like Boudreau. The Caps resurgence as a team has much to do with him. He's paid his dues in the minors and he brought an exciting style of hockey to DC. He seems like a good guy. But I keep falling back on getting out-coached in the playoffs three straight years. I wonder if the team had a coach who could re-adjust during the playoffs, would they still be the serial underachiever they are now?

Whats more, in the NHL, coaches usually don't stick around too long, for what ever reason. In '08-'09 the Penguins changed coaches and there was an immediate change in the quality of their play. They went from being a fringey playoff team to a Stanley Cup winning outfit. Last season's Flyers did the same thing with a similar result. Philadelphia changed coaches and went from being embarrassed (by the Capitals, no less) on their home ice, to winning the Eastern Conference and playing in the Stanley Cup Finals.

There are some dangers with firing Boudreau. Changing coaches, especially by bringing in a coach who's style of play is decidedly more conservative, has the potential to stifle the very characteristics that make the team so popular and, possibly more importantly, have made the Caps a hard ticket to get in the DC area. The Caps are an offensively talented team (though they aren't playing that way now) and its one of the aspects of the team's personality that has made them fun to watch and has helped ignite the team into the local consciousness.

Despite the preceding paragraph, I do think its time for the team to get woken up. I think its time to bring in a more experience coach, one who can make adjustments on the fly. I don't pretend to know who this coach is, but I'm pretty sure that its time for Bruce to make his exit.
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Cliff Lee: A Red Sox Fan's Dilemma

2010-12-12T19:59:00.000-06:00

Photo from Fantasy Baseball Portal

As a Red Sox fan, I have a dilemma as pertains to Cliff Lee. Lee, the excellent free agent pitcher, is trying to decide which Scrooge-McDuckian pile of money he'll take, the one offered by the Rangers, or the one offered by the Yankees.

According to reports, the deals offered are similar. The Yankees are offering a seven year deal at about $23 million per season. The Rangers are offering the same money but the seventh year isn't guaranteed. instead it kicks in based on performance. Lee will be 32 years old next season and has been other worldly for the past three seasons. Before that he wasn't very good, but something kicked into place in 2008 and Lee has been one of the top starting pitchers in baseball ever since.

Over each of the past three years, Lee has been worth $25 million per year, about the money he'll be paid next season. But how much longer will Lee be this good? Lee's skill set is one that depends on precise control. He isn't a hard thrower and he doesn't depend on one amazing pitch. Instead he can place his good but not great pitches exactly where he wants them. But four years ago he couldn't do that. Like all skills, this one will disappear with age, but when?

That's what I don't know, and I'm guessing the people who run the Yankees and Rangers don't know either. Oh, they've done their complicated statistical analysis, studied comparable pitchers throughout baseball history and determined that Lee is worth the money that they're offering, but guys like Lee don't come along very often. I think they're working with a small sample of data. There just aren't that many guys like Lee throughout baseball history. This comes down to a $160 million guess.

Also of importance, Lee has an injury history. He missed time last year with back issues and only threw 97 innings back in 2007, though that could be because he sucked. The Indians left him off their playoff roster that year.

The dilemma any Red Sox fan faces is where do you want Lee to go? Obviously you don't want the best available free agent pitcher to sign with the Yankees. But, what if Lee goes back to sucking next year (or the year after) and the Yankees are stuck paying the guy $23 million a year until he's 40? That would be wonderful. But, what if he doesn't get hurt or somehow his skills never deteriorate, like Andy Pettitte? That could happen too, then the Yankees would have an amazing starting twosome of Sabathia and Lee for the next seven years. That would be terrible.

If Lee breaks down or his skills downgrade from superhuman, I'd prefer he signs with New York. If he continues being Super Lee, I want him to go to Texas. But since I don't know which will happen, I don't know which one to root for. This is my dilemma.
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Michael Wilbon's Last Stand

2010-12-10T10:10:00.039-06:00

After 30 years, Michael Wilbon is leaving the Washington Post to focus on his duties at ESPN which, I assume, include cleaning, polishing, and straightening Stuart Scott's glass eye. I've taken many a shot at Mr. Wilbon over the years (I can actually say "years" plural here... vaguely impressive) on this blog, and I feel each of them was properly deserved. As Wilbon's columns went along he became either more and more averse to facts, or I became more and more aware of their importance. Opinions are all well and good but its my believe that they should be founded on something more than feeling.

Oh, sorry. Poop.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention two things. One: I grew up reading Michael Wilbon on the paper pages of the Washington Post. Wilbon wrote about the Redskins, the Georgetown Hoyas, and whatever else was germane to the DC sports scene. He, Tony Kornheiser and Tom Boswell helped shape the way I think about sports and sports writing. That isn't a compliment or an insult, just a fact. From that standpoint, I'll miss Wilbon. He was a connection to my youth and anytime you lose one of those, you feel older.

Two: The man doesn't give up. His last column was mostly what you'd expect, a summation of his time with the Post, the people he worked with and for, the events he covered, and his interactions with his readers. It was well done and a reminder that the man can write.

But, Wilbon didn't just write columns for the Post, he also held weekly chats. Back in the day they used to be hosted by Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, but after a while Kornheiser dropped out and they became Wilbon's thing. Say this for the man, he kept doing the chats even after his star at ESPN and TNT rose through the proverbial roof.

All those things are nice, but of course, I don't come here to praise Wilbon any more than I have to. Check, and check. Time to get nasty! (Not really.) (No, really!)

Anyone who regularly reads this space knows Wilbon's perpetual boner for Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. In numerous chats Wilbon has said he'd take Roethlisberger, a fine quarterback but demonstrably not the best in the league, over any other. I've written about it here, here, and here. Well, someone somewhere (Oakton, actually) has a sense of humor, because in Wilbon's last chat ever for the Post, someone actually asked him about it.

Oakton, Va.: You always used to say, "Give me Ben," when asked your QB choice... I as a Steelers fanatic loved you for that. I know a lot has gone down.. but... Did you see him escape that sack at the end of last night's game? I know, Brady, Brady, Brady... but would Brady have done that, busted foot, busted nose? Can you give me just one final, "Give me Ben?"

Michael Wilbon: I texted back and forth with Big Ben this morning, essentially to tell him I hope the surgery went well (he had surgery on that broken nose this morning) and that performance last night took real guts. And yes, I just finished a conversation with my editors, essentially a tirade that repeated I would take Big Ben over all the QBs in the NFL RIGHT NOW if I had to play a game with my life on the line. Do I need more evidence than last night? Are you kidding? All he does is make the plays other QBs can't make. I don't need passer rating, I don't need yards passing or TDs passing...I want to win, so give me Big Ben...you think this won't be mentioned on PTI today?

Good old Wilbon. I don't need no facts. I see what I want to see!

Good luck at ESPN. Don't forget to shout a lot, keep the facts to a minimum, and you should fit right in.

Oh, and don't forget to polish Scott's eye.
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Well, Washington, Its Hockey Season

2010-12-01T00:17:00.000-06:00

As much as I wish I'd created the above, it wasn't me.

I found it on the ExtremeSkins message board, created by commenter purbeast.

A while back BMFS created a post entitled, "Well, Philadelphia, Its Hockey Season" in response to the Phillies losing in the playoffs. Football season is only about two thirds over, but that's enough to know the Redskins won't be making the playoffs. Last week's shameful loss to the 90 year old penis texter and his latest ~~embarrassment~~ team make that much clear.

If the specific loss wasn't enough to drive home the point, a quick look at the NFL standings should do the trick. The Redskins sport a glorious 5-6 record, two games behind both the Eagles and NY Giants for the NFC East lead. Which ever team isn't the divisional leader represents the second Wild Card, so that particular back door isn't opening for the Skins either. If there is any good news its that over their final five games Washington plays Tampa Bay and two against the Giants. Three wins there would also be three losses for two direct competitors for playoff spots.

But even that wouldn't be enough. The only way to envision the 2010 Washington Redskins making the playoffs is for them to win at least four of their next five games. That would put them at 9-7 and at the whims of the NFL's tie-breaking procedures. Five of five would, considering their opponents, likely put them in the playoffs as a Wild Card, but then if this team could run off five straight wins, they'd probably have done it already with a healthy roster and against a lower level of competition than they'll be facing going forward.

No, as much as I'll be watching each play, this team is tooooast. The Washington Post is right there too with an article about how head coach Mike Shanananhahananan is "evaluating the whole roster", as if no prior head coach would've thought of such a thing.

What Shanahan will glean from the next five weeks is anyone's guess. A few shots in the dark:

The offensive line sucks. Gotta upgrade that.
The skill positions are old. Gotta upgrade that.
The defense is a sieve. Gotta strain some carrots then upgrade that.

That the Redskins have already dealt away multiple draft selections in the upcoming draft doesn't inspire confidence they'll be able to complete what looks to my uneducated eye like a complete roster overhaul.

But hey, that's why Shanahan gets the big bucks, right? Either that, or so he can afford that fourth vacation property and a private jet to get him the hell out of Washington after another 6-10 season next year.
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Matty's Hot Stove Notes: Jeter To Test Market?

2010-11-26T17:48:00.002-06:00

Reports surfaced yesterday that Derek Jeter is asking the Yankees for $150 million over six years. The Yankees have reportedly offered Jeter a three year deal for $45 million.

When you're talking about a soon-to-be 37 year old shortstop who's defensive reputation is almost solely the product of his production at the plate but who hit .270/.340/.370 last year, you're usually talking about a one or, at most, two year deal. There is no way in Hades any team would pay $15 million a season. $15 million total is more like it.

But this isn't just any shortstop who hit poorly and fielded more poorly last year. This is Derek Frick'n Jeter. Derek "Mr. November*" Jeter, who's agent recently compared him to Babe Ruth.

*Mr. November? Does he play football?

Its a ridiculous comparison, but that's the type of ego we're talking about. On the open market, Jeter wouldn't net $45 million over any length of time, and any player with that level of production who asked for a six year deal OR $150 million would simply be ejected from the team's offices. Good luck with that, son. Let us know how it works out. Or, you know what? Don't even bother.

The fact that the Yankees have offered Jeter three years is a gift. The fact that they've offered him $15 million a season is simply crazy. There is no way they recoup that money on the field. None.

As for the merchandising, Jeter-is-a-valuable-brand-unto-himself argument, its about 99% bullshit. Answer me these questions.

1. If Jeter leaves the Yankees do they sell one fewer ticket?
2. If Jeter leaves the Yankees, do they sell one fewer t-shirt or cap?
3. If Jeter leaves the Yankees, do they win one fewer game next year?

The answer to the first two is no. And even if they answer was yes (which it isn't), 1) the vast majority of fans won't stay away from a winning team, which the Yankees will be next season, and 2) merchandising money is split evenly between the teams, so which ever team signs Jeter will certainly sell tons of Jeter-themed t-shirts, hats, jerseys and under roos, and it'll all even out in the wash.

The important question is number three, and that's the one that is hard to dismiss. There aren't many good options on the shortstop market and the Yankees don't have anyone in the minor league system who could step in for Jeter. Still its reasonable to expect the Yankees could find someone to play shortstop, and there would certainly be a sizable difference in salary savings by not signing Jeter. The Yankees could take that money and spend it elsewhere, upgrading the outfield and the rotation.

Realistically, the chances Jeter signs elsewhere are remote, even with the current negotiations at a stand still. Who else can afford to pay a 37 year old shortstop $15 million a season for three years besides the Yankees? Apparently Jeter is going to find out.

* * *

UPDATE, 11/26/10, 6:16pm PST: The NY Times is reporting that Jeter's agent, Casey Close, is asking the Yankees for $23-24 million a year over four or five years. The upshot is Jeter wants $100 million at least to stay with the Yankees. When he's done laughing, Brian Cashman should buy his plane ticket to San Francisco and schedule an appointment with Brian Sabean.
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Matty's Hot Stove Notes: Take Him To Detroit!: V-Mart Signs With The Tigers

2010-11-23T16:55:00.000-06:00

The first big free agent domino fell today as Red Sox catcher Victor Martinez signed a four year, $50 million contract with the Detroit Tigers. Martinez is an interesting case. He catches, plays some first and occasionally DHs. He's one of the best hitting catchers in all of baseball. But when he's a first baseman, his value falls from 'star' to 'about average'. At DH he's probably even a bit below average.

Accidentally Martinez excellently illustrates the concepts of replacement level and the defensive spectrum. When his bat is at catcher a team can play better hitters at first base and DH, but this is where the problem comes in. Martinez isn't a very good catcher, so its difficult to leave him there full time. Catcher defense is difficult to quantify, but anecdotally he isn't good at blocking balls in the dirt, throwing out runners, or calling a game. Just because saberists can't quantify (very well, anyway) these aspects doesn't mean they aren't valuable. They are, there just isn't agreement over how best to show it numerically.

Martinez will be 32 next season, so the Tigers are playing $12.5 for Martinez's age 33 through age 36 seasons. There aren't many players who stay at the catching position beyond their early to mid 30's. This, combined with Martinez's already somewhat lacking skills behind the plate, explains why the Tigers are reportedly going to move Martinez around from catcher to DH and first base.

The Tigers have a young catcher named Alex Avila, who Martinez is supposed to split time with Martinez. They also have a first baseman by the name of Miguel Cabrera, who has garnered MVP votes this past season. This is going to make for an interesting game of hot potato, with Martinez playing some catcher, some first base, and some DH; Cabrera playing some first and DHing, and who knows what else.

Skipping down to the end, if the Tigers are going to pay Martinez $12+ million a year to catch 30-50 games a year but mostly DH then they're simply crazy. Its an odd fit, one that in all likelihood will be an overpay by Detroit. That said, its not a terrible contract. When he catches Martinez will make the Tigers a much better hitting team, and something they clearly need.

If he would have taken a three year contract, its likely he would have stayed in Boston because his ability to hit while catching is that valuable. It was the concept of paying a 36 year old sub-par DH/1B $12 million that rubbed the Red Sox wrong. The Tigers will pay it though evidently because of the payoff Martinez will provide in the first few years of the contract.

As for the Red Sox, they're in some trouble as far as catchers go. Martinez was by far the best available catcher on the market and Boston doesn't have any catchers ready to graduate from the minors to help the big club. Pre-Martinez starter Jason Varitek is both 39 and a free agent. If he returns it will be as a back up.

The Red Sox have two avenues to pursue. Jarrod Saltalamacchia was acquired from the Texas Rangers at the end of last season, and he could step in and, paired with a veteran catcher, start. He's a former top prospect who has a record of success in college and the minors, and he's only 26 years old so he's still relatively young. Unfortunately, even in small sample sizes he's never put up even an average OPS in the majors, and he's had some issues with throwing the ball back to the pitcher. All in all, he's got some promise, but he's hardly a sure thing.

The other avenue is to acquire a catcher from outside the organization. As I said, there really isn't much in terms of free agent talent available, but the Sox could look to sign someone to a one year deal and then see who is available at the trade deadline and next off season. That would be called 'keeping your options open'.

Alternatively, they could pursue a catcher in trade. The Dodgers Russell Martin may be on the trade block or even non-tendered, and there are rumors that the Rockies may make Chris Iannetta available, though I have no idea why they'd do that.

Perhaps the aspect of this most in Boston's favor is there are still five months before pitchers and catchers report.
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Matty's Hot Stove Note

2010-11-21T16:27:00.001-06:00

There are certain aspects of baseball that scouts are very knowledgeable about. They are the experts in minutia. The way a pitcher moves his leg in the stretch. The positioning of a batters hands just before he swings. These are unarguably vital to a player's success on the field. As important as that stuff is, it doesn't make them General Managers.

Here's the lead paragraph from the Boston Globe's Nick Carfardo in his Sunday Notes column:

A National League scout was asked a simple question: If you had only so many trade chips to use in the pursuit of a hitter, would you use them for Justin Upton or Adrian Gonzalez? Without hesitation, the scout said, “Gonzo. He’s a much better hitter.’

While that's true, it also misses the point entirely. Upton is 23 and signed for five more years. He's got the kind of talent that everyone, scouts and stats guys, drool over, and he's got about 50 homers in the big leagues at a time when most of his peers are still adjusting to AA pitching. Gonzalez is absolutely a better hitter. Now. But will he be in five years? Also, and maybe even more importantly, Gonzalez is in the last year of his contract. He's going to demand a Mark Teixeira-esque deal (8 years, $180 million or so) to sign whereas Upton is signed for five years at a below market rate.

In short this is why you don't ask a scout a question like that. Its like asking a pastry chef how to run a restaurant.
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Kari Lehtonen and the Incredible Sucktards

2010-11-17T19:59:00.002-06:00

The 4-0 start is a distant memory, and after 16 games, the Dallas Stars are in an all too familiar position: 5^th in the Pacific Division and 11th in the Western conference.

After the ejection of Mike Modano and Marty Turco in the off-season, the Stars were supposed to be a different team. They were going to be a transition club that caught their opponents off-guard with their quickness and attacking style, yet defended their own goal with better positioning and defensemen that were a touch more seasoned.

But now it's time to ask the question: is this just last year's Stars team but with better goaltending? Is the Kari Lehtonen for Turco exchange the only variable that separates the 2010-11 Stars from last years squad that missed the playoffs for the second straight season?

Lehtonen single-handedly carried the Stars to their fast start in their first five games as they were embarrassingly out shot by an average of 38-22. Since then, Dallas has trimmed the shots against significantly, but they still cough up the puck and put their goaltender at a gross disadvantage multiple times every game. Where Turco likely would have allowed these chances to end up on the scoreboard, Lehtonen has repeatedly come up with jaw-dropping saves to erase his teammates' blunders.

Last Tuesday night, in their 2-1 victory over division rival Anaheim, Mike Ribeiro was at the point on a power play and made a horrible attempt to pass to the right wing that Todd Marchant deflected towards center ice and was gone on a breakaway. Lehtonen made a highlight reel glove save and ended up energizing the crowd and his own team; the Stars scored 11 seconds later on Steve Ott's slick dash through the middle of the ice to grab a 1-0 lead. It was the Stars' first lead in over 10 periods and the type of game-changing play that Lehtonen has unfairly been asked to make numerous times this year.

Lehtonen has clearly been the Stars' MVP so far this season; without the their massive Finnish backstop, Dallas would likely be buried in the standings once again and a quarter of the way to yet another golf-filled April.

Time to compare last year's first 16 games with this season's:

Stat	2009-10	2010-11
Record	7 – 3- 6 (20 pts)	9 – 7 – 0 (18 pts)
Goals Scored	52 (3.25/gm)	46 (2.88/gm)
Goals Against	43 (2.69/gm)	45 (2.81/gm)
Shots on Goal/Gm	32.88	28.25
Shots Against/gm	28.69	32.19
Save %	90.60%	91.30%
Power Play %	17.10%	15.90%
Penalty Kill %	75.50%	74.60%
Shutouts	1	1
4 Goals-Against Games	5	6

The numbers are staggeringly similar. The defensive corps that was the object of never-ending ridicule last season has actually gotten worse, giving up almost 2 additional shots on goal per game over last season. Their special teams have been atrocious again. In fact, they are even worse than last campaign – their power play is pop gun-esque and ranks middle of the pack in the league, and their penalty killing is a ridiculously flimsy 74.6%, third-worst in the NHL.

There is just a single stat in the table above where the Stars are better this season than they were in 2009-10: save percentage. Without Kari Lehtonen – who has started 14 of the 16 games this season – the Stars would likely be trolling the depths of the Western Conference with Calgary and Edmonton. Lehtonen has kept them a single point out of a playoff position despite having to continuously clean up his teammates' messes. Ironically, former Stars netminder Marty Turco has virtually identical numbers as Lehtonen - 911 save percentage for both, 2.74 GAA for Turco versus 2.75 for Lehtonen – and the Blackhawks are just two points ahead of Dallas in the standings having played four more games.

The lack of scoring depth – Mike Ribeiro's goal watch has officially reached Level Orange status – and porous defense are combining to create a razor-thin margin that separates victory from defeat. Lehtonen is the only thing keeping this squad off life support.

Redskins Extend Grossman: 6 Years, $85 Million

2010-11-15T18:54:00.000-06:00

The news that Donvan McNabb has signed a five year, $78 million extension with the Washington Redskins was overshadowed today when in a surprise move, General Manager Bruce Allen announced the Redskins have signed back up quarterback Rex Grossman to a six year, $85 million contract.

When asked if signing their backup quarterback to a longer and larger contract than the one they signed their starter to three hours previous, Allen said, "Sure seemed like a good idea. Rex has been a valuable part of the organization and we wanted to make sure that our relationship continued into the future."
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[clicks stick against boards]

2010-11-15T02:07:00.001-06:00

The Caps are up to their usual tricks again this year. They're allowing a lot of goals, scoring even more, and winning a bunch of games. But there is a new aspect to their game: mixing it up. Washington brought in D.J. King from St. Louis to beat up opposing players, but he doesn't earn a sweater half the time and I can't imagine hearing his named called as a healthy scratch during pre-game warm ups does much to scare anyone.

Kings presence or absence isn't deterring the Caps from fighting. They don't need no stinking enforcers. They'll do it their damn selves, ya hear?

Take Mike Green who has already fought Ilya Kovalchuk (?!) and Brandon Dubinsky (!?!) and whipped both their butts according to the wonderful HockeyFights.com. OK, fine, the first fight was a draw, but he kicked Dubinsky's blue shirted ass.

But in all the fights they've had this year including the ones King has engaged in, none have compared to the heavyweight brawl that took place tonight in the Caps win over Atlanta. John Erskine (6'4, 215) fought Eric Boulton (6'0, 200) for, if I'm counting correctly, 51 seconds. They didn't dance around each other either. There was no dancing, only punching. Blow after blow after blow for 51 seconds until Erskine decided he'd had enough and basically bullrushed Boulton into the boards.

Forty-nine percent of voters on hockeyfight.com have the bout labeled a draw, but forty-four percent have Erskine as the winner while only eight percent (I'm assuming Atlanta's hockey die-hards representing) have Boulton as the winner. I'm throwing my vote (which I don't have) to Erskine, but its close and I wouldn't quarrel with a tie either.

In the words of Craig Laughlin, whose high pitched voice pays for the ridiculous cost of NHL Game Center Live by itself, "they just stood back, grabbed each other with one arm and teed up each other with the other arm."

Watch this:

I'll bitch and moan about the stupidity of fighting in hockey some other time. For now, wow. That was some fight.
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mattymatty's Xmas Garbage Spectacular!!!

2010-11-14T02:59:00.000-06:00

Its Christmas season yet again - we're rapidly approaching the year when Christmas season will seamlessly follow the post-Christmas holiday sales - and in that spirit, I went shopping online. For myself. Cause I'm that kind of guy. Eat it, family.

I went directly to the sources of 99% of my frustrations: the websites of my three favorite sports teams. Of course I already have an Alex Ovechkin Capitals sweater, an official Jon Lester Red Sox jersey, and a replica Sean Taylor jersey* among countless Red Sox hats, Capitals t-shirts, Redskins under-roos, and official Kevin Youkilis body hair removers. Yes, plural. No, I went in search of the truly bazaar. Mostly I didn't find it, but what I did find was rather interesting.

*Its important to note I didn't buy this item posthumously. In fact, its #36, which is the number Taylor only wore his rookie year, when I bought it. After that he switched to #21.

For instance, all three teams offer a Tiffany Billiard lamp. Each looks something like the one pictured to the left, with team colors and logos, etc. Here's the kicker. The Capitals lamp will run you $499.99. The same sized lamp made by the same company, only with Red Sox logos and colors will cost $575 (though they'll cover shipping). The Redskins version will set you back $625 and you can pay the shipping yourself if you want the damn thing so much.

So, how about bar stools? The Caps charge $109.99 (they do like their extra 99 cents). The same stool with a Red Sox logo (like the one at right) will cost you an extra thirty bucks, at $139.99. That's not enough for my Redskins. They need an extra six bucks to make it worth their while. That's $145.99 please for, again, the same stool.

The Redskins and Red Sox agree that a pub table with team logo should cost $359.99, but the Caps'll sell you the same thing (on the left) for just $299.99. Shhh! The only catch is it'll have a Caps logo on it.

If it wasn't clear before it should be now: these teams will slap a team logo on it and sell you any damn thing they can find. Oh, at 120% mark up of course. I do mean anything too. Like, have you ever noticed how your dog isn't dressed for game day? Better get a Redskins pet jersey. It "features logo and embroidered patch, and breathable micro-mesh polyester." Perfect for the die-hard pet who's owner has $32 burning a hole in their wallet.

The Red Sox will sell you a Keg-A-Que Red Sox Grill in gas or charcoal versions. Doesn't matter to them, its $129.99 either way. No matter which one you buy, its just a "great grill that is always the talk of the party; not only for it's great looks, but as a great cooking grill." If that doesn't read like its almost written in the language of Shakespeare, I don't know what does. Further it features a Red Sox logo, and most importantly its officially licensed by Keg-A-Que. What ever the hell that is. Or you could steal an old keg out of the back of the distributorship, slap a Red Sox sticker on it, and light the damn thing on fire.

So we're about 200 words into this now and I know what you're thinking: Matty, I can't believe you haven't yet mentioned garden gnomes. Well, don't fret my semi-retarded friend. The Redskins are here to service your garden gnome needs by featuring not one, but two different styles of garden gnomes, both $25.

I think the on on the right is actually Norv Turner.

About the strangest thing I could find on the Capitals site was this:

Washington Capitals air freshener. Because nothing says fresh air like a locker room full of 20 guys who have just played a hockey game.

So whether its a Red Sox roller shade (place over TV and lower when ever John Lackey is on the mound; between $84.99 and $299.99), a Redskins waste basket (the perfect place for the entire 2010 season; $26), or a Washington Capitals Snuggie (Just like you've seen on TV! Except more expensive! $24.99) don't forget to waste a massive amount of money on crap this holiday season. Your favorite sports teams are counting on it.
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TOOOAST!!!

2010-11-08T17:30:00.011-06:00

He's finished. TOOOAST!!! No, not this guy:

Well, yeah, he's done too. But I'm mentioning ol' Wadey strictly for an excuse to use that photo. The man whose professional cadaver I post to urinate upon is none other than this boil on the ass of society:

Joe Morgan, out on his ~~keister~~ brain at ESPN. We knew ye far, far too well.

The problems with ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball broadcast are systemic just as much as Morganian, but regardless of whom the Worldwide Leader tabs to replace Little Joe, the broadcast cannot possibly get worse. With Morgan involved it could be tolerated only with the volume muted. The network's roster of "analysts" is peppered by dull minds and jagged tongues alike (eg, Rick Sutcliffe), but none who bristle so openly at the mention of anything that is quantifiably true as Morgan. None have such of what our own mattymatty famously referred to as "an adversarial relationship with facts." None so diligently dig in their heels to lionize useless players, advocate ill-advised tactics, and prop up long-debunked wives' tales.*

To say nothing of continuing to believe that Billy Beane actually wrote Moneyball.

*One of my favorites: The 2005 Chicago White Sox won with "small-ball" tactics because that's what Ozzie Guillen always talked about; Little Joe, of course, was never one for research. The 2005 White Sox had the best starting pitching in baseball, which was blessed with impeccable health, and scored a higher percentage of its runs on home runs than any other team in baseball.

Just in case you never got around to reading Tommy Craggs's legendary 2005 S.F. Gate story that first exposed Morgan's flat-earth leanings to a nationwide audience, it is here.

Hopefully, by the time I find myself watching a ballgame with my yet-unscheduled progeny, I can tell him or her about Joe Morgan, one of the finest baseball players who ever strode the Earth*, and not Joe Morgan, the deluded, anti-intellectual dingbat who almost singlehandedly ruined nationally televised MLB games for well upward of a decade.

*And, don'tcha know, the first Phillie I ever saw bat in person; my first in-person MLB game was at the Vet in '83, Morgan's only season there. As I recall (no, I looked it up), he walked, stole second, advanced to third on a grounder, and eventually scored on a base hit by the immortal Von "Five-For-One" Hayes. Andy Hawkins retired only three batters for San Diego. The game was a blowout so early that Morgan was replaced in the fourth inning by Juan Samuel so Morgan could play in the second game of the doubleheader.

So the geniuses who ran Fire Joe Morgan -- the greatest baseball blog of all time -- didn't get their wish, as Little Joe was not actually fired. But at least he's gone. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on my FremInsCo t-shirt.

Oh, and one final thought: ESPN is also planning to move Jon Miller to their national radio broadcast of Sunday Night Baseball (and he's always been a radio man); might they replace Miller and Morgan with the recently deposed and already lamented Rangers/FOX broadcaster Josh Lewin? I'm not sure of his current contract status with FOX, but I would jump for joy at such a development, regardless of which "analyst" they might pair with Lewin, who's one of the more talented, entertaining, and well prepared baseball broadcasters around.

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Even In Our Worst Moments (Last Week?) The Redskins Can Fall Back On This: They Aren't The Cowboys

2010-11-08T14:52:00.000-06:00

Buh-Bye

There is always a lot of talk about how dysfunctional the Redskins are, especially in light of last week's mess in Detroit. Much of it is deserved, and if I were starting an organization from scratch there is no question that the Redskins would be near the very bottom of teams to emulate. But they wouldn't be at the very bottom.

Nope, that'd be your Dallas Cowboys.

You know the conspiracies about how Redskins owner Dan Snyder runs the team behind the scenes? Well the Cowboys owner Jerry "The" Jones runs the team right out in the open. Sure The Jones had some football experience before taking over the Cowboys, but since canning Jimmy Johnson in the middle of a pissing contest, the Cowboys have been run straight into the gutter.

That fact has only been accentuated by today's news that The Jones has finally shitcanned head coach ~~Fatsy McDoodle~~ Wade Phillips. In Jones' defense the team has looked horrible this year, so in that sense a coaching change is a rational reaction. But if we're gonna be truly rational, the guy who's head should be on the chopping block is the one who put this headless chicken of a roster together. That would be The Jones hisself, but the likelihood of The Jones firing himself is about the same probability as George Bush making an apology to the nation in prime time.

In the end, we've got an owner who thinks he's a General Manager who really shouldn't be either. But he's not going anywhere anytime soon, and that's something for which Redskins fans should be thankful.
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A Trade We Can All Believe In

2010-11-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

Warning:

Contains fantasy football content.

May be harmful if inhaled or inserted anally.

Proceed with caution.

* * *

This is my first year in a keeper league. The league allows me to carry three players from my existing roster into next season. I have to pay (the draft is an auction where everyone starts with $200) the latest cost of the player plus a five dollar fee for keeping them off the market.

We're getting towards the point in the season where the haves and the have-nots are coming into focus. Some teams need to start accumulating players who are likely to be good next season at the lowest possible cost. Others are less concerned with next season and more with the pursuit of a championship this season.

Here's an example of what I mean.

My team, the Corntown Holestuffers is 6-1-1 (yes, a damn tie) and alone in first place. I've outscored the next closest team by 137 points (842 to 705). The Holestuffers have four top running backs (league ranking): Rashard Mendenhall (7), Ray Rice (18), Darren McFadden (3), and Matt Forte (9). Rice is ranked lower because he's missed some games to injury, though he's healthy now. With only three places to play them all, one has to sit on the bench.

My friend Matt's team, the Reston Skidmarks and has scored 559 points, 283 fewer than the Holestuffers. He's the lowest scoring team in the league and at 2-5, is unlikely to make the playoffs. But, Matt has Frank Gore, the fifth highest scoring running back in fantasy football this season. If Matt is going to make the playoffs, he has to start winning some games but Gore is on a bye this week, so Matt is reduced to starting waiver wire garbage. Without Gore he's staring at an almost certain 2-6.

So yesterday we made the following trade:

I get: Frank Gore
He gets: Matt Forte

There isn't much question Gore is the better player and the one you'd like to have if all things were equal. But all things aren't equal. Not only was Gore on bye and unable to be used this week while Forte is playing (and against a bad Bills defense), but Gore is more than twice as expensive as Forte.

Matt paid $43 for Gore at auction at the beginning of the year. If Matt wants to keep Gore next year he'll cost $48. On the other hand, Forte has been about 90% as good (he's averaged 1.5 fewer points per week than Gore), but at $25 he'll cost about half as much to keep.

For a slight downgrade in player quality, Matt got one more week's worth of use and a much cheaper price to maintain the player next season. Matt still probably won't make the playoffs, but now he's likely to keep Forte for next season where as before he was unlikely to keep anyone. Funny how that works.

Oh Please God No...

2010-11-02T15:34:00.001-05:00

After last week's ridiculous benching of Donovan McNabb, there is some question about who the quarterback for the Washington Redskins should be going forward. Mostly the question centers around next season as its hard to imagine anyone actually thinking Rex Grossman is now a better option than Donovan McNabb. But when the Redskins handed Philly two draft picks for McNabb I'm pretty certain they did it with the idea of him playing more than one season in DC.

To that end, the Washington Post published this little nugget which, while it good solid reporting, made me shit my shorts:

JaMarcus Russell, the embattled former quarterback in Oakland, was at Redskins Park Tuesday morning for a tryout with the Redskins.

There isn't any need to read further. Besides, I don't think I can stomach another sentence anyway.

The idea that Rex Grossman is a better quarterback than Donovan McNabb is so ridiculous as to be funny. The idea that JaMarcus Russell is a better quarterback than anyone who currently holds a spot on the Redskins or any other team's practice squad isn't funny. Its stone cold retarded.

Unless Russell is trying out for a shot on the offensive line, what's the upside here? Seriously. I'd love for someone to ask Mike Shanahanahanahanahan that question.

In the meantime I'll just hold my breath that this is some sort of head coaching practical joke.

Humiliating Defeat in Detroit Two Years Running Not Enough, Shanahan Creates Quarterback Controversy To Fill Void

2010-11-01T00:47:00.001-05:00

Mike Shanahan has several gaudy rings as proof that he is a good football coach. Its important to note that because otherwise you might be confused by his body of work in DC and think he's a drooling mongoloid.

There's an expression about pulling defeat from the jaws of victory. Shanahan may have coined his own expression against Detroit on Sunday, as he pulled humiliation and franchise-altering uncertainty from the jaws of defeat.

With about a minute to go the Redskins were down by 5 points. They were staring a 4-4 record and a sobering bye week in the face. But that wasn't enough for coach Shanahan. Hey, he seemed to say, lets throw an unnecessary quarterback controversy on that pile too! So, Shanahan pulled his starting six time pro-bowl quarterback in favor of a guy who hasn't practiced with the first team since never.*

* In case you didn't guess, the Grossman Gambit failed. On his first play, Grossman ... wait for it... wait for it... fumbled and the Lions picked it up and carted it 20 yards for the game ending TD.

Why? Because Grossman knows the two minute offense.

Grossman knows the two minute offense because its the same one he ran in Houston last year. Except he didn't run it in Houston last year. And he hasn't run it in Washington this year either. Not in a game, and not in practice. Oh, and McNabb has.

So, to sum up, um WHATTHEFUCK?!?

The Redskins did lots to lose in Detroit this past Sunday. They kicked themselves in the balls repeatedly, costing themselves points in the process. There was an unnecessary (and possibly BS) holding call causing the negation of a punt return for a touchdown. There was a ridiculous encrochment penalty while the Lions were lining up for a short field goal to make the score 16-13, Redskins. The penalty gave the Lions a first down and goal which they converted into a touchdown. Between just those two penalties the Redskins cost themselves eleven points.

But, really none of that matters. They lost, end of story, but the franchise quarterback to whom the team (read: coaching staff and front office) has hitched its wagon was benched with the game on the line and a real, if small, shot to pull out a win.

McNabb hadn't covered himself in glory this game, and he hasn't actually had a QB rating over 80 more than twice this year, but was there any question, any question at all, who the quarterback with the best chance to lead the Redskins down the field in the closing moments of the game was?

Apparently there was, and with the bye week here and the team 4-4 coming off the second humiliating loss to Detroit in two seasons we're all going to get to discuss this damn garbage for another two weeks before we see who starts the next game against the ... [checks schedule] Oh, God, really? The Redskins next game is against the Eagles.

I can't wait [smacks face with heavy rock].
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Smoke, Mirrors & Crawford

2010-10-27T15:17:00.005-05:00

"Hello coach? You in there?"

Several meaty Dallas Stars-related topics and points, both good and bad, have occurred over the past week that require some recognition. In order to end on a high, let's start with the bad.

Last Tuesday night, I saw something in a hockey game that I have not witnessed in my three decades-plus of watching the sport. In the third period at the American Airlines Center, with the score 4-2 for Anaheim, Stars defenseman Stephane Robidas received a major penalty for boarding the Ducks' Matt Beleskey and a game misconduct (and is now suspended for a game). The Ducks went on a five-minute power play that the Stars proceeded to kill off (more on the PK later) without incident. The entire PP sped by without a whistle. Success, right? Not so much. When the official opened the Stars penalty box door, we discovered that head coach Marc Crawford hadn't sent anyone to serve the penalty. The Ducks' retained their man advantage and scored just six seconds after the power play ended. Ridiculous. Granted, as Razor Reaugh said on the telecast, it was a “moot point” as even if a player did come racing out of the box to join the play, he would not have had time to impact the goal. “That was my mistake,” Crawford said. Ya think?

Back to the Stars penalty killing. At one point, their PK was only at 60%. That is such an absurdly inept number that it is, once again, something that I had never seen before. In the past couple games, they have been able to improve to a still abysmal 66.7%, but that is even a bit of a mirage as the Ducks twice scored just seconds after a penalty expired on Tuesday night. Put it this way, the league average is somewhere around 84%. I know it's a small sample size so far, but if they don't get that area of their game corrected, I don't care if Kari Lehtonen was 8 feet wide, the Stars would still lose a majority of their games.

At least their power play is humming along at a whopping 10%. Huh? How the heck is this team 5-3 with special teams stats like those?

Want some more head-scratching numbers? The Stars were badly outshot in their first five games, giving up an unsightly average of 38 shots against per game. Their record? 4-1. In the last three contests, the Stars have actually outshot their opponents 32-26 on average. Their record? 0-3. The puck do what it do.

Enough of the bad stuff. The team is holding down the #4 spot in ESPN's current power rankings, so they must be doing something right. You know, cuz power polls are so accurate.

My two favorite recent Stars stories have both come off the ice. First, their hiring of Gary Roberts as a player development consultant looks like a home run. He trained Stars winger James Neal and Tampa Bay's Steven Stamkos the past few summers, and both young guns are off to great starts this season; Stamkos is actually leading the league in goals and points. In a similar way that the 90's Stars drew much of their success from the Cup-winning Montreal Canadiens organizations – Carbonneau, Keane, Ludwig, Gainey, Skrudland – the current front office seems to be using the strong late-80s Calgary Flames for inspiration. Current Stars GM Joe Nieuwendyk and Roberts played alongside each other for many years there and their relationship goes back even further than their NHL days. Is bringing in my all-time favorite player, former bruising Flames center Joel Otto to much to ask to help the Stars with their draws?

Lastly, kudos to the incomparable Razor Reaugh for his aggressive stance against Dish Network. On the Stars website, Reaugh has an open letter to Dish that is a must see.

“If you think you are doing all us subscribers a favor by trying to be the lowest priced provider well let me give you a little lesson in supply and demand. If I demand Stars Hockey on Fox Sports Southwest and you can't supply it, I'm firing your sorry butt and gladly giving my $200 a month to someone who can.”

Reaugh asks fellow Dish subscribers to join him in his Quest to Drop Dish Network, and the Stars are even offering a pair of tickets to those who jump on board. Beauty, eh.

Notes On Skins/Bears: What A Long Strange Trip It Was

2010-10-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

Its hard to imagine a game more ineptly played than this past Sunday's Bears/Redskins game. Sometime in the future someone will find the stats and assume the game was played amidst a swarm of locusts during a monsoon. There were eight fumbles and six interceptions in total. Nobody could hold onto the ball. Because I'm not writer enough to tie all this together, I'm going to resort to the bullet point method.

* There were three defensive touchdowns in the game, except there were only two. Explanation: Under pressure from full blitzes, both quarterbacks resorted to the tried, true and ineffective Close Your Eyes And Chuck It method. Jay Cutler's was less horrible as his pass actually went beyond the line of scrimmage, but when the opposing cornerback over-runs the interception you know it was a bad throw. Despite over running it, DeAngelo Hall reached behind himself with one hand and snagged the ball never breaking stride until sliding safely into the end zone whereupon announcer Troy Aikman decided he should be penalized for uh... wearing a Redskins helmet, I think.

McNabb's attempt was more brazenly dumb. In the clutches of one defender while about to be stomped by another McNabb attempted to heave the ball to God knows where. It went about 6 inches where it was deflected into the air by Defender #2 and caught by Defender #1 (after dumping the apparently unsuspecting McNabb on his ass). It was then carried 60 yards to pay dirt.

The third, "the Defensive Touchdown That Wasn't", came with the Redskins deep in their own territory. McNabb attempted to hit someone on a quick slant. He was successful but it was a Bear's defender who read the throw perfectly and trotted eight yards into the end zone for Bears Defensive Touchdown #2 on the day. All the Bears defenders were busy grabbing each other's butts in celebration, so they didn't notice the flag on the field. It was against the Redskins so the touchdown should stand, except no, because it was for delay of game. The touchdown didn't count because the whole play didn't count. Can't lose for losing, eh?

* One of the hundred billion fumbles was by the Redskins Chris Cooley who was falling towards the sideline when the ball was stripped. It lay, flopping like a fish next to the sideline before Cooley, from his stomach, batted the thing out of bounds. News to those of you who have followed football for thirty years: you aren't allowed to do that. Its a five yard penalty. I'm sure Cooley will think twice before pulling a stunt like that again!

* Another of the hundred billion fumbles was by the Bears on the Redskins one yard line. Cutler completed a 43.5 yard pass to someone who isn't Devin Hester, Johnny Knox, or DeAngelo Hall. This Bears receiver was tackled at the goal line. The refs conferenced for a moment and then declared it would be first and goal from the 1/2 yard line. "No!", screamed Love Smith, ostensibly the Bears head coach. Smith challenged the ruling, which was upheld primarily because there was no real way to tell it was wrong.

Why did Smith challenge a call like that (in the second half no less) and risk losing a precious time out when his team would have first down and 1.5 feet to go? Here's why. So, first and goal from the 1/2 yard line. The Bears called a quarterback sneak. Cutler took the snap and managed to move slightly forward before he was met by a leaping LaVar-like Albert Haynesworth. Cutler's feet were still on the ground but Haynesworth's arms were around Cutler's neck, seen here:

Cutler had the ball out attempting to break the plane of the goal line but with Redskins defenders flying here and there it was only a matter of time before someone simply removed the ball from his grasp. Not shockingly, that happened.

Oddly though, Smith opted not to challenge the fumble call. In fact, upon further review by the DC Sports Bog and by anyone who watched the network feed, it looked like not only was Cutler's forward progress stopped - meaning it wasn't a fumble because the play is supposed to end at that point - but Cutler had in fact managed to break the plane of the goal line with the ball. That can be seen in the following image shamelessly stolen from the AMAZING DC Sports Bog:

The ball is right in the very center of the image as is the goal line so it was probably a touchdown. But even if it wasn't, it might have not been a fumble, in which case the Bears would've had second and goal from the one. Faced with those three options, Lovie Smith stood, stoic on the sidelines as the Redskins hurriedly lined up and snapped the ball. So much for options.

* Jay Cutler is getting lots of crap for two things: 1) His performance on Sunday (mostly deserved, I'd say) and 2) his post-game comments to the media during which he ~~suggested~~ flat out stated he'd target DeAngelo Hall again. This despite the fact Hall caught more of Cutler's passes (4) than Matt Forte (3) and Greg Olsen (3). Cutler was quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times thusly:

"I've played against (Hall) before,'' Cutler said. "There's no reason to shy away from him. That's hard for me to say throwing four picks to the guy but I still think if we had to play him tomorrow I'd go after him every time.''

Many publications including the above referenced article are attacking Cutler for this statement. Maybe he shouldn't have said it but I don't see what is wrong with at least thinking it. Its not like Hall is Darrelle Revis. He's a fine cornerback, but he's not the greatest cover corner in the game, in his division, or on his own team. Purposely targeting Hall isn't a dumb thing to do. Most days its the polar opposite. Hall had a good day, but two of the interceptions were on particularly bad throws, and one came when Johnny Knox didn't come back for the ball (i.e. didn't finish his route). Hall made some great catches but if the QB makes the right throws, throws Cutler can make, and if Knox completes his route, those INTs don't happen. In short, the specific cornerback Cutler was going against wasn't so much the problem.

That said if they were targeting Carlos Rogers they wouldn't have to worry about interceptions at all, so there is that.
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Football Game Makes Asian Dude Dumber

2010-10-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

In the words of my friend, this shit is too funny not to share. This is the Chicago Sun Times Sean Jansen reporting after the Bears/Redskins game this Sunday afternoon.

In case they've taken the video down, here's what Jansen (who is unexpectedly Asian - didn't see that coming, no) had to say to open his video report:

"I'm live here at Soldier Field where the Washington Redskins and the Chicago Bears just set football back about 40 years. There was a combined eight fumbles, three of which were lost, and a combined six interceptions. It was just uh..uh... a mess of a game and I actually feel dumber for having witnessed it."

Listen Sean Jansen, if you don't like it here, why don't you go back to where you came from (which I'm assuming is Sweden)?
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Foxlet: A Tragedy In One Actlet

2010-10-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

The scene opens with fifteen men sitting in a board room somewhere. The CEO enters and sits at the head of the table. The CEO is just back from a two week vacation in Timbuktu.

Fox Sports CEO: OK! Thanks for coming to the meeting everyone. I want to say how excited I am to be back here at work. Another room service omelet and I'd have slit my throat. So! Our job today is to figure out how to promote the hell out of this Yankees/Phillies World Series. What a cash cow this is! We're gonna be rich, I tell ya, rich!! We gotta promote the hell out of this, men. Turdson! Gimme some thoughts on ad strategies.

Turdson: Well, uh, sir...

CEO: What is it?! Spit it out, Turdson! I don't have all day!

Turdson: I... uh... well...

CEO: Poopingstein!

Poopingstein: Yes, sir!

CEO: For God's sake, Poopingstein, help Turdson out. What the hell is he trying to tell me?

Poopingstein: Well, uh, sir, you see, uh...

CEO: I'm trying to plan an ad strategy for the Yankees/Phillies World Series and you people are babbling and foaming at the mouth! We haven't much time, so if you have something to tell me, tell me now, or as Heaven is my witness, I'll have you all killed!

Poopingstein: OK, sir. Well, in that case... Fartson will tell you!

Fartson: I will?

Poopingstein: [hits Fartson in back] Sure you will!

Fartson: I... sir.... uh... [pukes]

CEO: Will someone tell me whats going on in here?!?!??!

Voice from shadow: [with reverb] I will.

CEO: Who is that?

[the voice steps out from the shadow]

VFS: Its me, Doucheington.

CEO: Oh, thank God. Finally, a sane voice. Tell me, Doucheington, what is going on?

Doucheington: There is no Yankees/Phillies World Series, sir.

CEO: What?! No World Series?? Why, I just spoke to Bud a couple weeks ago and he assured me...

Doucheington: No, sir. No Yankees/Phillies World Series. You see, the Yankees lost...

CEO: What?! [sits down] To who?

Doucheington: "whom"

CEO: Goddammit, who'd they lose to, Doucheington?

Doucheington: The...

Whole Room: *gulp*

Doucheington: ... Texas Rangers.

CEO: Holy shit...

Doucheington: Yes, but it gets worse.

CEO: Worse?! How could it get worse!? The Phillies are going to have to face the Texas Rangers, a team that nobody outside of Texas gives a horseshit about? We lost the entire New York and New England markets! How in the jolly fuck could it possibly get worse?!?

Doucheington: The Rangers won't be playing the Phillies, sir. The Phillies lost to the San Francisco Giants.

CEO: [slits throat with laser pointer]

*Scene*

Well, Philadelphia, It's Hockey Season

2010-10-23T22:55:00.002-05:00

Well, the Flyers won tonight. *sigh*

It'll be fun to root for the Rangers, since I live in Dallas and all. And even though I'm just some dope with a remote control and a blog, I kinda understand how Cole Hamels felt last October: I'm relieved it's over. What a stressful series.

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Redskins Object To Use Of Own Name

2010-10-22T17:05:00.001-05:00

Note: I don't want to tip anything off but we may have a pretty interesting feature up here soon at T!!! authored by our own Snizza. I'll leave it up to him to tell you more, but I have to say, I have wood just thinking about it.

* * *

The Philadelphia Inquirer used to do a weekly podcast about the Philadelphia Eagles. It was essentially a bunch of local sports writers sitting around and talking about last week's game, the up coming week's opponent, and any other interesting Eagles related garbage going on that week. Then a year after I found it, they stopped making them. I was disappointed. I hate the Eagles, but the podcast was interesting, and a good way to burn twenty minutes of your life if you're like me and don't have anything actually worth while to do.

So I was excited when The Washington Post started doing the Redskins Insider podcast at the beginning of this season. A podcast about my favorite team featuring some of my favorite reporters. Perfect. The Post uses a good mix of people, including their Redskins beat writer, the author of the wonderful DC Sports Bog, Dan Steinberg, and former Redskins linebacker LaVar Arrington (bigfan bigfan) who now writes a blog called Hard Hits for the Post. Anyway, its pretty good and if you care about the Redskins at all its worth your time provided you don't, you know, have anything actually useful to do.

That all said, it was pretty strange to upload the latest Redskins Insider podcast and learn that the name had been changed to Football Insiders podcast. Why? Because the Redskins objected to the previous name. Why would they care? The host didn't go into detail, but this seems to me to be another case of lawyers sticking their dirty noses where they don't belong. Was the Post profiting off the name Redskins? Technically yes, but they use the name in their newspaper, which they sell to people and which they sell ad space in, every day. They have a huge Redskins section every Sunday and Monday after games and a pretty big one every day of the week with the name Redskins prominently featured.

Further, if you go to the washingtonpost.com and scroll over "sports" the first link underneath is "Redskins" which links to a page with "Washington Redskins" in big bold letters and has the team logo! Like this:

Thieves! It also links to the Redskins Insider blog, which, hold your breath, uses the name Redskins AND the team colors! In case the Post is forced to change it, it looks like this:

So why? Are the Redskins losing money over this? Not possible. The team makes more money than they know what to do with. They make so much money owner Dan Snyder can afford to buy other companies and deep-six them for fun. They make so much money that here is recent a picture of Dan Snyder at home swimming in his private pool:

Watch out for that depth gauge, Dan!

Is the Washington Post mis-representing theirs as the view of the team? Not to anyone with a third of a human brain they aren't. They use the words "Washington Post" before every podcast as in 'Welcome to the Washington Post's Redskins Insider podcast..." Nobody would accuse them of being team-sponsored or anything like that.

Is the Post just mercilessly bashing the team and this is retribution? No, not even close. If anything they are maybe a bit too pro-Redskins.

This is another in a long line of examples of a team that is run by people who don't understand that it matters what people in town think of you. Doing things like this create bad publicity for the team while providing no tangible benefit. An adequate Public Relations staff would've but the kibosh on this before the Post had a chance to even hear about it.

Granted this is a silly insignificant matter, but this is a silly insignificant blog and when my favorite football team grabs their gun, aims it at something unimportant and ends up knocking off a couple rounds into their foot, someone should ask the question.

So, seriously, what is the problem with the podcast using the team's name while reporting on the team? (Don't expect an actual answer to this question ever, by the way.)
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This is the Way Football Go in Wade's World*

2010-10-20T23:08:00.002-05:00

After hearing yet another redundant, pathetic, feeble Wade Phillips press conference this week following the Dallas Cowboys fourth loss of the season, a 24-21 stinker in Minnesota, it finally dawned on me: Wade Phillips doesn't use the same measuring devices to value his football team's performance as the rest of us. We all rank squads based on wins and losses. You know, the old school way. Phillips is far more of a numbers guy – a countrified sabermetrician if you will. He goes to the stat sheet after the game and looks at the yards his offense piled up and his defense allowed.

So, in honor of Phillips' ground-breaking approach to comparing his team to the rest of the league, I've decided to put together the NFL standings based solely on an average of each team's current ranking on offense and defense in the league.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are this week's Wade Football League standings. The first number is the average, the second is their league ranking in yards gained per game, the third their ranking for yards given up.

NFC EAST

Dallas 3.5 (3^rd, 4^th)
New York 4.5 (7^th, 2^nd)
Philadelphia 7.5 (4^th, 11^th)
Washington 23.5 (15^th, 32^nd)

NFC NORTH

Green Bay 14 (13^th, 15^th)
Minnesota 14.5 (24^th, 5^th)
Chicago 18.5 (29^th, 8^th)
Detroit 19.5 (14^th, 25^th)

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans 7.5 (8^th, 7^th)
Atlanta 13.5 (9^th, 18^th)
Carolina 22 (32^nd, 12^th)
Tampa Bay 24 (22^nd, 26^th)

NFC WEST

San Francisco 14.5 (19^th, 10^th)
St. Louis 18.5 (20^th, 17^th)
Seattle 25.5 (27^th, 24^th)
Arizona 29.5 (31^st, 28^th)

AFC EAST

Miami 10.5 (12^th, 9^th)
New York 15.5 (17^th, 14^th)
New England 20 (10^th, 30^th)
Buffalo 29.5 (30^th, 29^th)

AFC NORTH

Baltimore 9.5 (16^th, 3^rd)
Cincinnati 12 (11^th, 13^th)
Pittsburgh 17 (28^th, 6^th)
Cleveland 24 (23^rd, 23^rd)

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis 11.5 (2^nd, 21^st)
Houston 18 (5^th, 31^st)
Tennessee 21 (26^th, 16^th)
Jacksonville 26 (25^th, 27^th)

AFC WEST

San Diego 1 (1^st, 1^st)
Denver 12.5 (6^th, 19^th)
Kansas City 19 (18^th, 20^th)
Oakland 21.5 (21^st, 22^nd)

WOW! Wade is right! The Cowboys are WAAAAY better than we thought! Plan the parade! And a Super Bowl match up against San Diego is all but assured as the Cowboys and Chargers outpace the rest of the league by a large margin.

One thing: in real life, Dallas and San Diego are a combined 3-8 and both sit firmly at the bottom of their divisions and long shots to make the NFL playoffs. In fact, there's not a single WFL division that mirrors actual NFL rankings; the NFC West standings are completely inverted from those in the WFL West. Reality's a bitch, huh Wade.

After last week's dreaded vote of confidence from Jerry Jones for Wade Phillips, the Cowboys promptly laid another egg and still had not learned their lessons and committed the same costly mistakes as they did in previous weeks. A change at the top appears imminent now. ESPN's Adam Schefter is reporting that the Cowboys are finally mulling a coaching move.

In an online chat recently, Schefter offered "The Cowboys are going to make some wholesale changes for next year," Schefter writes in an online. "Start thinking big ... like Bill Cowher, Jon Gruden, John Fox, coaches of that caliber."

If Phillips is let go after failing to guide the Cowboys to a home Super Bowl, at least he can put “2010 WFL Champions” as a bullet point on his resume.

*The fantastic playoff success of the Texas Rangers has made it completely acceptable for grown men and women to utilize Ron Washington-speak in daily and professional conversations. Overheard yesterday morning at a Dallas court house: “But judge, please. My client just do what he do.” Also, the term “bootyhole” is not just for grade-schoolers anymore.

Only in Philly

2010-10-19T20:24:00.004-05:00

Except when it's not:

Oh, look at the wholesome youths supporting their hometown Giants!

If something like this were spotted in Philly, every boob with a press pass and a typewriter would be firebombing Philly fans for the next three days. This, though? Rest assured it won't go beyond this blog and its six readers.

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Quiz

2010-10-19T19:52:00.007-05:00

Quiz -- Is this guy:

A) a mook
B) a chooch
C) a gavone
D) a mamaluke

Again:

Mook, chooch, gavone, or mamaluke?

_____________

Bonus question:

How in the jolly fuck is this a legal home run that cannot so much as be reviewed on video?

To paraphrase something I my-own-damn-self said about 2 hours ago to a Ranger fan, "faced with the prospect of the Rangers in the World Series, it's about time for MLB to call in the heavy artillery of crooked officiating."

I said almost the same thing to my friend Tommy back in 2001 with the Yankees trailing Oakland 2-0 in the ALDS. He said something about the Yankees being cooked, to which I replied, "wait until you see the umpiring in the rest of this series."

On that very night was Derek Jeter's legendary "flip play," on which I will always maintain Jorge Posada never tagged Jeremy Giambi. Good luck finding proof one way or the InterNutz, though, thanks to MLB's online media policy.

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Carlos Rogers And The Case Of The Missing Interceptions

2010-10-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

Maybe later if I have more time I'll write about Carlos Rogers in more detail, but in short, dude just can't mutha-flurk'n catch. He couldn't catch a cold if he was bathing in snot. He couldn't catch his own shit if his head was up his butt. He couldn't catch herpes if he had sex with everyone in the world who has herpes. Twice. And finally, he couldn't catch a football if it was tossed to him underhanded from a foot and a half away.

By my count, and this is only anecdotal, but by my count he's dropped four interceptions this year.

Oh, and the picture above? Yeah, he dropped that.

Score One for Wash and CokeBall!

2010-10-16T21:59:00.008-05:00

Game 2 of the ALCS got off to an auspicious start for Ron Washington's Rangers when they induced Jorge Posada into a rookie mistake, throwing to second while Elvis Andrus scampered home from third.

(Of course, he probably hasn't seen an American League team attempt a delayed double steal since he was actually a rookie.)

A triumph for CokeBall -- run the bases like you're strung out and there's a dope sack on home plate!

Though I couldn't help but wonder whether the Yankees were chortling self-assuredly* as Wash's Eight-Ballers** kept deliberately making outs in the hopes of wringing out a single run against a team that scores in buckets, it worked today. I'm sure I heard the following from a Rangers homer, but it's true:

*Read: "like assholes."

**Let's get an eightball; it'll last us all weekend!

Through 17 of 18 innings so far, the Rangers have pretty much whupped the Yankees' keisters up and down the block. And Cliff Lee is taking the mound in Game 3.

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Former Rangers Owner to Be Banned from The Ballpark at Arlington?

2010-10-15T23:22:00.008-05:00

No, not Tom Hicks -- though he should be banned. I was thinking of the guy on the left*:
*Hahahaha. Yeah, he's to the left of goddamn Stalin! Ba-dum-CHA!!

George W. Bush has been in attendance for all three Rangers home playoff games, in which they are 0-3, including most notably tonight's excruciating loss to the New York Yankees. Now I'm wondering if he was in attendance at any or all of the Rangers' four previous home losses to the Yankees in 1996, 1998, and 1999. (He was then Governor of Texas and, as such, had -- by arguably criminal means -- cashed out his stake of the team.)

This is a man whose great shining moment as President of the United States came October 30, 2001 -- before he'd wasted away the public's colossal good will -- at Yankee Stadium!

(You can probably tell I'm not a fan of this guy's politics, but, MAN, that was awesome. Gave me chills. He fired that sumbitch right over the plate! From the rubber, with a flak jacket underneath that N.Y. Fire Department jacket, with snipers perched atop the Stadium, and -- perhaps most impressively -- without a glove on his catching hand! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to throw a baseball accurately without a glove on your other hand? It totally throws off your equilibrium. It feels all wrong.)

The Rangers have finally won a playoff series after 39 years of often comical failure and irrelevance. But they are still the only MLB franchise that has never won a playoff game at home. Superstition will long hold a place in sport, so let's try this: No Dubya tomorrow afternoon.

Hmm... Looking at that photo again, Nolan Ryan is making the same expression I'm pretty sure I've seen on the faces of Kofi Annan, Pope John Paul II, Nelson Mandela, Vicente Fox, and various other dignitaries after being forced to sit next to Dubya for three hours...

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Thomas Boswell Name-Drops So Many Sporting Events That I'm Forced To Remove My Pants And Flog My Flaccid Shaft Until All The Jealousy Is Gone And Only A Pool Of Baby Batter Mixed With Tears Is Left

2010-10-14T18:54:00.001-05:00

At the end of Thomas Boswell's weekly chat on washingtonpost.com, he wrote this:

Thanks again. Off to Philly for Halladay-Lincecum, then Skins-Indy, then Cliff Lee in Game Three in Yankee Stadium next Monday night. Nice trifecta. Ought to be plenty more to talk about by next Thursday!

Fuck YOU, you balding piece of shit.* I'm so jealous. I'll be spending my weekend knee deep in baby shit.

Oh, and fuck the Yankees.

*I actually like Boswell, but its funnier if I swear at him after the quote. Sorry Tom!

Are $100 Million Contracts Usually Bad Ideas In Baseball?

2010-10-13T23:44:00.000-05:00

I was reading over a post at the excellent MLBTradeRumors.com which set about assessing Carl Crawford's imminent free agency. The post laid out a few pros and cons. One of the pros was this:

Crawford is a relatively young free agent at 29. Perhaps he'll age better than most due to his athleticism.

One of the cons was this:

The contract will be a major commitment - at least five years and more than $15MM per season. Crawford is the best available position player, and it wouldn't be a shock if bidding reached seven years and nearly $20MM per season. Most $100MM deals have been regrettable.

The last line is stated as such a fact that I immediately began to wonder. Is that true? Are most $100 million deals regrettable? I'm assuming, by the way, that the author means regrettable from the team's standpoint. I can't imagine a player signing a deal that massive and regretting it.

Anyway, this is actually a relatively easy question to answer. You just go to Cot's Contracts and scroll down to the "highest paid players" link and there it is. The list of the twenty eight most lucrative contracts in baseball history organized by total value. (Why twenty eight? I have no idea.) Of those twenty eight, twenty two of them are worth $100 million or more.

I went through the list and did a spot judgment of whether or not the team would have preferred not to have signed the player to that contract. Some of the contracts I was unsure of and some of them have barely started, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Here are the contracts I'm pretty sure the teams don't regret:

Alex Rodriguez ... $252,000,000 (2001-10)
Derek Jeter ... $189,000,000 (2001-10)
Manny Ramirez ... $160,000,000 (2001-08)
Jason Giambi ... $120,000,000 (2002-08)
Kevin Brown ... $105,000,000 (1999-2005)
Albert Pujols ... $100,000,000 (2004-10)

A-Rod's original deal gets lots of bad press, but if you look at his production over those ten years ('01-'10) he was well worth his exorbitant salary. Nobody would question whether Jeter or Pujols was worth it, as they absolutely were. As for the rest, despite well documented transgressions Cabrera, Brown, Ramirez, and Giambi provided production commensurate with their salaries.

Here are the contracts I'm pretty sure the teams do regret:

Alex Rodriguez ... $275,000,000 (2008-17)
Todd Helton ... $141,500,000 (2003-11)
Alfonso Soriano ... $136,000,000 (2007-14)
Vernon Wells ... $126,000,000 (2008-14)
Barry Zito ... $126,000,000 (2007-13)
Mike Hampton ... $121,000,000 (2001-08)
Carlos Lee ... $100,000,000 (2007-12)

If the Yankees could take back A-Rod's most recent contract I guarantee they would do so. He's already starting to break down as a player at age 34 (Hip problems? Is he 76 years old?) and he's signed for another seven years at $174 million. Ugh. For Colorado's nine year investment, Helton gave them three excellent years and has been in serious decline since then. That isn't a good ratio. Soriano, Zito, Hampton, Lee and Wells were regrettable before the ink on their contracts dried.

That leaves seven $100+ million contracts that will swing the balance of this question one way or the other. Four of them are too new to determine. Here they are:

Joe Mauer ... $184,000,000 (2011-18)
Mark Teixeira ... $180,000,000 (2009-16)
CC Sabathia ... $161,000,000 (2009-15)
Matt Holliday ... $120,000,000 (2010-16)

The rest are on the cusp one way or the other:

Miguel Cabrera ... $152,300,000 (2008-15)
- Cabrera had a monster year after two good but not great years in Detroit. He's got a ways to go on the deal so anything could happen, but so far so good.

Johan Santana ... $137,500,000 (2008-13)
- Santana has been good but not great and now he's seriously injured and will likely miss all of next season. He'll be back the following year, but who knows how good he'll be. Also, he'll be 33. Even though they gave up diddly-poo in the way of prospects to Minnesota to get him, the Mets probably regret the contract.

Carlos Beltran ... $119,000,000 (2005-11)
- Now for the Mets other big investment. They got three excellent years from Beltran, one mediocre year, and a couple injury shortened years. Its not a complete loss, so it could really go either way. The production has been there when healthy, and it wasn't a bad deal at the start. Still, if the Mets could take it back knowing what they know now (the definition of regret) I'm guessing they would.

Ken Griffey Jr. ... $116,500,000 (2000-08)
-Griffey Jr.'s contract is similar to Beltran's in more than just total dollars. Both are center fielders who dealt with injuries on and off throughout the course of their contract. When healthy both were able to produce, but that was only about half the time. This is the danger of a long term deal. Even if his skills don't decline, you're still rolling the dice with an athlete's health.

Ryan Howard ... $125,000,000 (2012-16)
- This contract hasn't started yet and won't until after next year. Its totally unnecessary and beyond ridiculous, and I'm 99% certain the Phillies will regret it, but they haven't had the opportunity to yet.

So, have most $100 million deals been regrettable? Of the eighteen that could qualify, I have eleven as "regrettable." Somewhat shockingly, that means most of the $100 million deals have been regretted.

Its important to note that the longer a deal the more opportunity there is for it to turn sour, and the more notable it is if that happens. Not many people will remember Marco Scutaro's 2 year/$12.5 million deal whether it turns out well or not for Boston. Even John Lackey's already albatross-ish five year contract will be forgotten. But Joe Mauer will be making $23 million in 2018. If he blows his knee out next year, or the year after that, its an understatement to say it'll be a huge problem. But that's the risk you take when you sign someone to a long term big money contract, which is probably why about half of them go sour.
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2010-10-12T14:30:00.005-05:00

Fuck the stoopid Tampa Bay Rays. First, they totally wimp out and take the "Devil" out of their nickname, you know, because that evil word was probably responsible for driving ticket buyers away, right? Er...

Then they put ~~Sideshow Bob~~ James Shields on the mound in game 2 against the Rangers and he went on to throw the biggest hissy fit I've ever witnessed in professional sports after he got yanked. He's a douche.

And if that isn't enough, during their win in game 4 that tied the series against Texas, several members of the team, Shields included, were openly doing the Rangers' antlers and claws bits. For the first time in years, not only have the Rangers been competitive this season, but they've been a very likable collection of players and fun to watch. The antlers and claw thing came about organically and kind of took on a life of its own as the season went on; it's never been an arrogant gesture or something that opposing teams have ever reacted to. Then the front-running bench warmers from Tampa go and make asses of themselves and mock it. Fuck you Rays! Hell, half of the roster will be gone next year anyway.

However, for a team as douchey and irrelevant as the Rays, they do have one redeemable thing associated with them: DJ Kitty. You must watch these clips of their feline turntablist.

Hopefully the Rays won't renew his contract after this season either and we'll never see him again after tonight.

Well? Do They Or Don't They?

2010-10-11T16:42:00.002-05:00

If you thought the Cowboys were in disarray wait till you see the Dallas Morning News.

According to Archer, the "Cowboys know the problems". Well, I guess that's something. I mean you gotta start somewhere and that's as good a place... wait a minute! Three articles down, Moore asserts, "Cowboys don't even know their problems."

Just off the screengrab is an article by both writers excerpted below:

Archer: Do too!
Moore: Do not!
Archer: Do too!
Moore: Do not!
Archer: They do so!
Moore: Nah uh!

And we wonder why the newspaper industry is crumbling.
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Go Rays

2010-10-09T23:07:00.003-05:00

F Jim Nantz too.
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Caps Beat Up On Devils On Scoreboard, With Fists

2010-10-09T22:57:00.000-05:00

It took four periods of hockey before the Capitals woke the F up. After getting whupped by the Ilya Kovalchuk-less Atlanta Thrashers last night the, the Caps came home to face - guess who - Ilya Kovalchuk and the New Jersey Devils. Through one period the Caps were down 2-1 and the fans at Verizon Center were noticeably restless.

Then the Caps turned it on. They scored four goals in eight shots and knocked Martin Brodeur out of the game. Washington scored twice more in the third period. The Caps scored at even strength, on the power play, short handed, and on a penalty shot. They poured it on to the point where the Devils decided they'd had enough. With five minutes to go in a 7-2 game the Devils decided to goon it up something fierce.

Four minutes into the third with the score 6-2, David Clarkson of the Devils fought Jason Chimera. Then ten minutes of play went by and it seemed the game would go gently into its good night. Not so much. With 4:17 to go Ilya Kovalchuk inexplicably fought Mike Green. The two danced around for a moment, threw simultaneous punches, then fell over. Five for fighting. That opened the flood gates. Four seconds later Rod Pelley attacked new Capital Matt Hendricks. Hendricks took the majority of the blows before landing a nasty right that sent both players to the ice. Five for fighting. Two seconds later David Clarkson went after Matt Bradley. Five for fighting. Then four seconds after that, something called Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond - French Canadians seem to love their hyphens, eh? - threw his gloves down during a rush and jumped on the back of 20 year old rookie Marcus Johannson. Letourneau-Leblond received nineteen minutes in penalties for that one and the Caps were on a seven minute powerplay with only four minutes left in the game.

In ten seconds worth of game time both teams combined for over an hour's worth of penalty minutes which resulted in both head coaches screaming at each other through the partition. Ultimately the Devils goonish antics were for naught. The score remained 7-2, and the Caps had the first of what is hopefully many wins this year.
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Devin Thomas Cut, '08 Draft Now Officially Massive Failure

2010-10-09T13:11:00.001-05:00

In April, 2008 the Redskins made four of the top 51 selections in the NFL Draft and five of the top 125. The NFL Draft is far less than an exact science, but today's news that the Redskins cut the first of those five picks, wide receiver Devin Thomas, means only one of those five is still on the active roster after only two seasons.

Devin Thomas' departure was foreshadowed by the fact that, despite not having any serviceable wide receivers on the roster after Santana Moss, Thomas was unable to get on the field. He was a good kick returner, but undrafted rookie Brandon Banks was better. Thomas (2nd round, 34th overall) joins offensive lineman Chad Rinehart (3, 96) and cornerback Justin Tryon (4, 124) as ex-Redskins who the organization wasted top-100 draft picks on.

All is not lost (well, it sort of is, but go with me here) as two of the Frightful Five are still on the team. Wide receiver Malcolm Kelly (2, 51), who's 4.8 40 yard dash time is pretty good for an offensive lineman, is on injured reserve and ineligible to play this season. In fairness, he's as likely to contribute to the team on IR as he is on the field.

The only one of the five who is currently on the active roster is tight end Fred Davis (2, 48). Davis was an odd choice for a team with Pro Bowl tight end Chris Cooley signed long term but that's not Davis' fault. To his credit Davis filled in well for Cooley he was hurt last season. Still two talented tight ends qualifies as a luxury for a team with two offensive lineman below the age of 30.

When a team has that many picks in the top 100, they need to come away with, at bare minimum, at least one starter. As it stands now, the Redskins came away with virtually nothing.
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For The Love Of Vishnu! Stop Defending Rob Dibble!

2010-10-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

You may recall a while back Washington Nationals color commentator Rob Dibble made the following statement about Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg on his ESPN radio show:

OK, you throw a pitch, it bothers your arm, and you immediately call out the manager and the trainer? Suck it up, kid. This is your profession. You chose to be a baseball player. You can't have the cavalry come in and save your butt every time you feel a little stiff shoulder, sore elbow. Stop crying. Go out there and pitch, period.

During the above rant Dibble claimed to know "exactly what the doctor who looked at Strasburg had said" which turned out to be made up because it was quickly revealed that Strasburg had a torn UCL and would need Tommy John ligament replacement surgery.

To sum up, the team's radio color commentator went on national radio and called the face of the franchise he works for a baby before he had all the facts when in fact said baby had a very serious injury that required surgery and a year of rehab. Oh, and its pretty clear he lied about talking to the doctor too. This is not the only dumb thing Dibble said in the last month (he managed to insult women about a month before) but for whatever reason he managed to keep his job. Bashing Strasburg finally did it.

Dibble was fired on August 31st and thus began the pro-Dibble backlash which, by the way, came almost exclusively from people who know Dibble personally but likely don't listen to the Nationals on the radio. A while back Dan Steinberg, writer of the excellent D.C. Sports Bog for the Washington Post, compiled a list of ESPN personalities and their defenses of Dibble. Among those personalities were Steinberg's fellow and former Post colleagues Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser. Via Steinberg, here's what Wilbon and Kornheiser had to say on the topic.

First Kornheiser:

Ok, Dibble was wrong, Strasburg needs Tommy John surgery, but Dibble was a terrific broadcaster: passionate, insightful, and a hundred percent for the Nats. They should not have fired him.

Now Wilbon:

He can't possibly be out of work for long, right? That passion comes through. People like to hear Rob Dibble.

I'm not sure who loves Rob Dibble so much. Sure, he's passionate but when the best thing you can say about someone is they're a loud homer, that's not much of a complement. There are 80,000 loud homers at every NFL game and few if any would be qualified to broadcast the game over the radio. As for Kornheiser's statement that Dibble was insightful, well I've only listened to a few Nationals games over the radio, but I have heard Dibble do many national broadcasts for ESPN and that's not how I'd describe him. He probably knows pitching, at least somewhat, but most of the stuff he says is boilerplate from Broadcasting for Ex-Athletes/Dummies, i.e. a bunch of useless crap about chemistry and grit.

Steinberg doesn't say when the above statements were made, but his post is dated September 3. That was over a month ago. You thought they were done, right? Wrong! Pick up Dibble's flag, Leonard Shapiro of the Washington Post! After remarking about how the Nationals TV ratings are up, Shapiro writes this:

Hate: Stan Kasten walked away as team president of the Nats but never had the good sense to at least comment on the team's decision - really his decision - to fire popular broadcaster Rod Dibble. We all know Dibble went way over the line in his foolishly premature comments on Stephen Strasburg's season-ending injury, but they were not a firing offense for a provocative broadcaster who had a significant local following. The team at least still owes its fans a public explanation.

The above was from Shapiro's Love/Hate column, an ingenious idea he certainly didn't rip off from Matthew Berry's weekly Love/Hate column on ESPN.com. Lets take it line by line:

"... popular broadcaster Rod Dibble."

I don't know where this idea that Dibble was so popular comes from. I can't survey all the Nationals fans, but all the media outlets I frequent are unanimous in their dis-like of Dibble. Aaron Gleeman of NBC.com's Hardball Talk blog called Dibble "a Hawk Harrelson-level homer, except without any of the charm, story-telling ability, clever phrase-turning, or worthwhile analysis." Mr. Irrelevant calls the news of Dibble's dismissal "wonderful." Nationals blog Teddy Never Wins titled its post about Dibble's firing, "Rob Dibble Fired - You May Now Un-Mute Your Television". He doesn't sound all that popular to me.

"We all know Dibble went way over the line in his foolishly premature comments on Stephen Strasburg's season-ending injury, but they were not a firing offense for a provocative broadcaster who had a significant local following."

Again with the significant local following crap. I just googled "Rob Dibble fan" and the first item that came up was titled, "Rob Dibble spews offensive drivel about female baseball fans". So yeah, he was super popular. I totally concede the point.

To the meat of this. Any defense of Dibble starts with a "we all know he was horribly, horribly wrong" clause and Shapiro's is no different. To me, you can just stop right there. When you are being paid to give your opinion and you are not only horribly horribly wrong, but you insult the very franchise that signs your paychecks, you better bring something else to the table. Dibble just didn't. And Shapiro saying it wasn't a firing offense without giving a reason it wasn't a firing offense doesn't cut it and falls into the realm of shoddy journalism.

The team at least still owes its fans a public explanation.

What exactly does Shapiro expect the Nationals to say? We fired Dibble because his butterscotch crumpets were routinely too mushy? Despite repeated instruction, Dibble was simply never able to master the intricacies of long division? He put his underwear in his mouth too frequently for our tastes? Dibble was fired because he insulted the team's star pitcher, its medical staff, and effectively entire the organization. Despite being a part of the public face of the organization he spoke stridently about something he had no knowledge of and came off like an idiot for doing so. The fact that only a month prior he had insulted all female baseball fans couldn't have helped either.

Being a color commentator either on radio or television simply isn't that difficult a job. The level of intellect routinely displayed by Dibble and his ilk makes me think it would be less akin to taking the LSAT for law school and more like taking a multiple choice test at the DMV. As such there were many other options available to the Nationals and there was no need to continue to employ someone who made the organization look bad once a month. If Shapiro isn't bright enough to understand that without a written explanation he should go into another line of work. I suggest broadcasting.
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InstaNutz: Orlando Cabrera

2010-10-06T21:25:00.011-05:00

"He and the umpire pitched a no-hitter. He gave him every pitch. Basically, we had no chance."
--Reds SS Orlando Cabrera, moments after having his professional dignity surgically extracted by Roy Halladay

Essentially, what we saw this afternoon -- other than the obvious, one of the greatest pitching performances in baseball history -- was Roy Halladay turning the entire Cincinnati Reds lineup into Orlando Cabrera: Slop-hacking banjo hitters who can't get out of their own way.

But let's back up and talk about some, like, facts: here is the strike zone plot* from Halladay's no-hitter:

*I have put a total of two of these plots on this blog, both on the occasion of Roy Halladay no-hitters.

In watching the game, I thought home plate umpire John "I'm still around, and Roberto Alomar isn't in the Hall of Fame" Hirschbeck had a consistent and relatively conservative strike zone, and the plot backs that up: there was one pitch called a strike that actually missed the strike zone.*

*I am bat-poopy colorblind, so I make this assertion based on what someone else has told me. I'm reasonably sure there's not a prank afoot here.

Beyond the lack of hits, what stood out today was how many hopeless swings Halladay induced from the Reds* because of the insane late movement of his pitches. This, perhaps, is the etiology of Cabrera's bout of optirectitis.**

*National League leaders in all three Triple Crown Stats this season; a May game against the Marlins this was not.

**A condition in which your optic nerve gets tangled in your rectum and gives you a shitty outlook on things.

It doesn't matter where the ball hits the catcher's mitt, there, Oh-Cee. It matters where it crosses the plate. (Note: Failure to recognize this may result in a .303 OBP.) Just because your nincompoop manager bats you second in the lineup because he believes some mystical powers were conferred upon you during your two months as a passenger on the runaway train that was the 2004 Boston Red Sox doesn't mean you are an actual, viable Major-League hitter.

I would imagine sucking preposterous quantities of bat guano like Cabrera would lead to some frustration, but this was wrong, dumb, and classless. Go eat a deep-fried rhinoceros cock. May you be hit in the head by a flying turd.

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Donovan McNabb: Meda Darling

2010-10-05T23:42:00.004-05:00

Donovan McNabb is a fine quarterback. He's better than Jason Campbell, probably better than Kevin Kolb, at least this year, and better than Michael Vick with injured ribs. So I'm not tearing him down when I say that he didn't play his best game ever this past weekend in Philadelphia. In fact, he was pretty bad. He was eight of nineteen for 125 yards against the Eagles. There are less accomplished guys who would lose their job for a game like that.

And yet the media is acting like he just threw for 500 yards and six touchdowns. Take for instance, the Washington Post's Mike Wise. Please. HA!

If there is one indispensable player on the Washington Redskins roster, one guy whose absence would end any realistic hope of returning to the playoffs, it's Donovan McNabb.

Yes they won, but its an odd time to be calling McNabb indispensable. Even if you give him credit for the 39 yards he rushed for, that's 164 yards of offense from your quarterback. With a completion percentage of 42%? Thems puking numbers. Thems numbers sports radio callers cite while saying someone should be cut. But in the end, those are just numbers, and Peter King doesn't want anything to do with them because they have the gay or something.

I don't care if he had gone 2-for-33 Sunday. As long as the Redskins won the game and McNabb was a very positive influence in what had to be the most emotional game of his life, he was a lock for the player of the week.

So as long as he was having a very positive influence over the most emotional game of his ... what? This is why I can't stand Peter King. I don't need someone to cite some obscure stat to back up everything they say, but please, for fucks sake, have some post-third grade thought process going on.

If I take King literally - God help me - how did McNabb have a "very positive influence" over the game? Stepping back, a quarterback positively impacts a game by completing passes, moving his team down the field and scoring many touchdowns. McNabb did very little of that. I guess to Peter King, the following are far more important: patting guys on the rump all week; exchanging knowing glances in the locker room; making a loud 'n scream-y pre-game speech; making good 'n sure everyone knows how emotional you are about the game.

I don't have a fucking clue why anyone takes this man seriously as a football analyst.

Also King's writing would make a retard cringe, but that's neither here nor there.

But back to McNabb. Somehow he went from the baseball equivalent of Adam Dunn (vastly under-rated - everyone thinks he sucks but, in fact, he is very good) to Scott Podsednik or David Eckstein. That's probably a bit harsh as there is no good reason to employ Podsednik or Eckestein, let alone to start them regularly (Doing so is the General Manager equivalent of masturbating on the pitchers mound surrounded by burning crosses while wearing a sign saying, "I'm a moron! Fire me!"*).

* Note: this would not cause Brian Sabean to lose his job.

Somewhere along the line McNabb earned more than the benefit of the doubt from the media. He earned the benefit of no doubt ever under any circumstances regardless of facts accrued as recently as five minutes ago. I'm not sure where that all came from. Does leaving Philadelphia immediately make you an incredibly nice person? Does playing for the Redskins make everyone feel sorry for you?

Must be, because after throwing for 125 yards, Mike Wise wonders:

...why hasn't his contract been extended? Where's the news conference announcing a four- or five-year extension with an annual salary commensurate with any current quarterback not named Tom Brady, who is making $18 million per?

Well Mike, maybe its pre-mature for the Redskins to give Donovan $18 million per year. I mean, there are other quarterbacks available who may be able to step in and replicate, on some level, McNabb's performance. For example, Derek Anderson could be available soon.

Would McNabb still have been "Offensive Player of the Week" if Jason Avant hadn't dropped a touchdown pass on the last play? King probably would have called McNabb the "offensive stinker of the week" and said he failed in another big game (he kinda did).

Maybe "Offensive Player of the Week" is actually reserved, not for players who did well, but for players who made King want to wretch in his Starbucks Xtreme mocha latte (with extra sugar).

The collective anus licking by the Washington media must be stunning to McNabb who's used to having his head ripped off by the Philly media (and fans) after throwing for 400 yards and several touchdowns. Hell, he's treated so well in the 2-0-2 if I were him, I'd take $17 million per to stay in DC.
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Redskins: Latin For Mediocre

2010-10-05T15:39:00.001-05:00

Jason Avant drops a game-winning touchdown pass as the clock expires.

(Toni L. Sandys, Washington Post)

Here's what I know about the Redskins. They're not mcuh better or worse than any other NFL team. They could beat the Colts and then lose to the Lions, then beat the Saints, then lose to the Panthers.

They're 2-2 on the year so far. They've played two games on the road - they're 1-1 - and two games at home - they're 1-1. The average record of their opponents is 2-1.75. (1-2 + 3-1 + 2-2 + 2-2) Call it 2-2. In the Dallas and Philadelphia games the Redskins defense was qualitatively pretty good. In the Rams and Texans games it was qualitatively pretty bad. In the Texans game the Redskins offense was pretty good. In the other three games its been not so good. The special teams has been similarly all over the map, but ultimately ranking somewhere in the middle of the league.

Of the four games, three were decided on the final play. The holding call against the Cowboys gave Washington the win in week one and the dropped Hail Mary pass by Jason Avant gave them the win in week four. A field goal in overtime lost them the Texans game. Only the Rams game was decided before the clock expired.

I hope I've made the point by now that this is a middle of the road team. Middle of the road is a somewhat nicer way of saying mediocre.

Which isn't to say they suck. There are a few reasons for optimism. The Redskins have held second half leads in every single game they've played this season. In order, the Redskins have had leads of 10-0, 16-14, 27-9, and 17-6. All those leads were in the third quarter, except the Eagles game (the last one listed) which was in the fourth quarter. That's an average lead of 10.25 points. That's pretty good

Yet the Redskins have been outscored on the year by five points, two points if you keep it to regulation play. So that's not so good.

Following that theme, here's something else that isn't so good.

Week 1: 380-250, -130
Week 2: 526-421, -105
Week 3: 365-349, -16
Week 4: 353-293, -60

That's the total yardage for each of the Redskins four games (opponent-Skins second, +/-). In each game the Redskins have been out-gained. Games aren't won and lost based on yardage, but as a straight measure of success, its not a bad measuring stick. Being out-gained in every game doesn't speak well for a team.

The Redskins defense has given up 1624 yards in four games for an average of 408 yards per game. That's awful. If it continues there's going to be lots more losing in the future as they'll be in the very bottom of the NFL in points allowed. The sad thing is, even if you take the Houston game out (why you would do that, I don't know), they still give up almost 366 yards per game. That's going to have to improve or this team is going to lose much more than they win.

And yet they're running new offensive and defensive schemes with a new quarterback behind a new offensive line. This kind of thing takes time to master and that fact alone means there is reason for optimism. When you add it all up, we're right back to the beginning. This is probably an 8-8 team. If the Avants of the world drop more Hail Marys in the end zone, maybe they win ten games. If the defense continues to blow second half leads, maybe they win six. All I know is I won't be putting money down on either scenario.
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