Checking In On Our Teams

(image from pennlive.com)

We here at T!!! HQ follow a few hockey teams in our spare time. You may have noticed. Or not. In any case, we root for the Flyers (BMFS), Flames (Snizza), Stars (BMFS & Snizza), and Caps (yours truly).

As it stands today the Flames and Stars are on the outside looking in of the Western Conference playoff picture. The Flyers are hanging on in the East like Wile E. Coyote. Their furry figures could slip at any moment, plunging them and their Acme Road-Runner-Killer-5000 Strap-on-Slingshot 15,000 feet into a canyon.

With six games to go, the Flyers are sixth, ahead of Montreal by tiebreaker, 2 points up on Boston and 4 points up on the Atlanta. In terms of making the playoffs, the odds are squarely in Philadelphia's favor. Which is more than you can say for Dallas who hasn't been officially eliminated yet, but needs to win every game left and have every team ahead of them lose every game. Thats called "a bad bet".

The Flames are better off than Dallas, but not much. They're solidly in 9th place but are four points back of Colorado with six games to go for the right to get smushed by the Sharks in the first round. And oh yeah, Colorado has a game in hand. The good news, if there is any good news, is the Flames get a shot at Colorado (in Colorado) this Friday, April 2. That'll be an elimination game.

The only team with no worrying to do is the Caps who, as I've discussed here ad nauseum, lead everyone in everything. The Caps have two concerns right now. First, staying/getting healthy. Second, finding out who they'll be playing in the first round. If the season ended now, their opponent would be the flailing Boston Bruins, whom the Caps have twice beaten 4-1 in Boston. Interestingly enough, both teams play each other twice in DC within the span of a week starting Monday, April 5th.

The Caps other potential playoff opponents are Montreal and - surprise surprise - Philadelphia. The Caps are 3-1 against Philly this season, including an 8-2 crushing of the Flyers in Philadelphia which I attended (read about that here). Their only loss to Philly came in overtime back in October.

Against Montreal the Caps record is a less desirable 2-2. Each team won a game in regulation and one in overtime, a game on the road and one at home. In total, the Caps outscored Montreal by one goal. That could be an interesting series.

Baring a sea change in the standings, Snizza will be out in the cold, BMFS will throw on his orange Flyers sweater, and I'll rock my red Ovechkin sweater from the warmth and comfort of first place.

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The Curse Of The President’s Trophy

In an otherwise excellent column this morning, The Washington Post’s Thomas Boswell stated, “Only seven of 23 Presidents' Trophy winners have won the Cup.” Wikipedia, where all good politicians and history professors go for information, put the same information similarly, “… only seven of all the Presidents' Trophy winners have gone on to win the Stanley Cup in their respective years.” (Guess where Boswell came up with that tidbit.)

The word “only” caught my attention. Seven out of twenty three doesn’t sound so bad as to require the qualifier “only”? I decided to look into it.

Through the black magic of Hockey-Reference.com, I learned that the President’s trophy has been around for twenty-three seasons. Thus I looked up all the last twenty-three Stanley Cup winners to see where they finished the regular season.

During that time, seven president’s trophy winners (30% of all President’s Trophy winners) have gone on to win the Stanley Cup. That is the most of any of the possible sixteen seedings. The seed with the next highest success rate is, counter intuitively enough, third. Five of the last 23 Cup winners (23%) have finished third. Only two teams that finished with the second best regular season record went on to win the Cup (Tampa Bay in 2003-04 and Colorado in 1995-96).

Only one team has finished the regular season ranked lower than seventh and gone on to win the Stanley Cup. That would be the 1994-95 New Jersey Devils, who were the tenth best team in the NHL in the regular season. No team who qualified for the playoffs ranked eighth, ninth, or eleventh through sixteenth has won a cup in the President’s Trophy era.

If you start with the presupposition that each seed has an equal chance to win the Cup then each playoff team has a 6.25% chance of hoisting the Cup at the end of the tournament. Going from a 6% chance to a 30% chance is, to throw more percentages at you, a 500% improvement. That ain’t peanuts, people.

Of course, this is hardly definitive. The Caps, who are the likely President’s Trophy winners this season may or may not have a 30% chance at winning the Cup. Even if it’s 40% though, the field has a better shot.

In any case, winning the President’s Trophy, as you might logically expect, is as good a harbinger of greatness as can be bestowed in the NHL regular season.

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Trivia Time!

It's time for my favorite thing on Earth -- sports trivia!

(Yeah, you know I'm a hit with the ladies.)

Q: What do the following hockey players have in common?

Brian Finley, Maxime Ouellet, Ari Ahonen, Alex Auld, Simon Lajeunesse, Jan Lasak, Evgeny Konstantinov, Craig Anderson, Johan Asplund, Jean-Francois Laniel, Adam Hauser, Sebastien Caron, Cory Campbell, Rob Zepp, Evan Lindsay, and Jean-Francois Nogues.

A: They are all goaltenders who were drafted in 1999 before this guy:

Sure, the NHL draft is a crapshoot in general, and particularly for goalies -- Daryl Reaugh was drafted ahead of Patrick Roy.* But that's SIXTEEN guys, and not an All-Star among them.**

*Reaugh is, however, the Patrick Roy of TV hockey color-commentary men.

**Craig Anderson probably would have made the All-Star game this season if there had been one. However, he never played a game with the team that drafted him (Calgary) and has played for three teams since. He had played barely 100 career games before the current season, about three fourths of them last year.

Only two -- Anderson and Auld -- have ever been NHL-caliber players at any point in time. And oddly enough, both have played for the chronically woeful Florida Panthers, who drafted Auld in '99 and employed Anderson last season. Auld broke into the NHL with Vancouver, however, and ended up playing terribly in 35 games for the Panthers (3.35 GAA) after coming over in the disastrous Roberto Luongo trade.

Even more evidence of crapshootery: Three teams drafted two goalies apiece before Miller was drafted.* The two drafted by Nashville -- in the first and second rounds -- played a grand total of 10 NHL games between them. The two drafted by Los Angeles played a combined total of zero.

*Miller was the first goalie Buffalo drafted in '99 -- still in the midst of Dominik Hasek's prime, with Martin Biron and Dwayne Roloson behind him -- which I think counts as some sort of evidence of competence.

What's the point of all this? I have no idea. Ryan Miller is awesome. And I know dumb stuff.

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Peddlin' Yo Wack-Ass Skippies* in China

*Since this POOOAST!!!** is about a guy from New York, I'll use a New York term in the title. "Skippies" are cheap, off-brand sneakers in the NYC playground vernacular. In the greater Philadelphia region, from which I hail, they are called "bo-bos", pronounced*** more like "boe-boes."

**Yeah, that's right, I started this biatch off wit a footnote!

***Only by white people; pronunciation may vary with ethnicity.

Uhh... What was this post supposed to be about again?

*falls down*

You sure ain't read it here, but you may have read that one-time NYC prep basketball legend and NBA All-Star Stephon "Tastefully Done.... But Still All Nude" Marbury is playing pro ball in China. His main mission there, as far as I can tell, is to peddle his wack-ass cheap "Starbury" basketball shoes in a developing market.

"Starbury Movement"? Yeah, they look like a movement all right.

Good time to do it, I suppose -- with Yao out for the year and A.I. just plain out, Reebok is likely cratering in the Chinese market. (Those are Reebok's primary NBA endorsers, and Yao's overwhelming popularity is apparent to anyone who's seen NBA All-Star voting results in the past half-decade.)

Anyway...


Your MVP of the Chinese Basketball Association All-Star Game, Mr. Stephon Marbury! Watch hyahrrr as he drains three consecutive three-pointers, including two from Mongolia.

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Putting The "P. U." Back In "Pun"

You may have heard that Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington tested positive for cocaine use last year. If there is another occasion that invites puns as much I'm certainly not aware of it.

Taking the opportunity to pun it up, Foxsports.com's Ken Rosenthal wrote a column about Washington in which he said that Washington had better win in roughly a thousand words. But I don't come here to belittle Rosenthal for a moronic column. No. The real problem here was the puns in the headline and sub-header. They were so awful that I can't get past them.

So I copied the image and have put it here.

Enjoy!



Charming, huh? Not one but two cocaine puns! A man just about ruins his career with a spectacularly stupid action, one which could indicate a much larger personal problem, and Fox gives us, "Don't Blow It: Washington will be judged by what goes on between the lines". Well done, sirs. Well done.

In the words of CHB, Gag me.

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Nomar Comes Home, Dan Shaughnessy Still A Piece Of Poop

It should come as no shock that Dan Shaughnessy took what could have been a nice moment, Nomar Garciaparra's return to the Red Sox, and took a steaming carl all over it.

Lets get right to the bashing! But first, apologies to the internet god, Fire Joe Morgan.

In historically bad taste here
By Dan Shaughnessy, Globe Columnist | March 11, 2010

Oh, the delicious irony of this title on an article in such bad taste!

Great player.

Starting off with a Plaschke Paragraph (c) 2010 Bill Plaschke All Rights Reserved? Intriguing, no?

Total fraud.

Ah! Another Plaschke Paragraph (c) 2010 Bill Plaschke All Rights Reserved!! The ultimate in lazy journalism times two! Can we go for three?

Welcome home, Nomie.

<begins furious masturbation>

Nomie?

I hate to be the fly in the punch bowl here, but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating.

Shaughnessy wrote this sentence naked with a can of Coke Zero shoved up his butt. But seriously, folks, Dan Shaughnessy just said he hates to be the fly in the punch bowl. Cue sarcasm: Suuuure he does. That is like Jeffrey Dahmer saying, "I hate to eat your face, but... [CHOMP]." Its George Bush saying, "Well, I hate to start a war and all, but [KA-BOOOM!!!]." Its me saying, "I hate to talk about poop, but TURDSTURDSTURDSTURDSTUUUURDS!!!!"

If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.

Indicating that... the polygraph machine was defective?

Truly unbelievable. There was Nomar, seated between Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein, telling us how much he always loved the Red Sox, how much he loved the Nation.

Oh, come on, Dan. You mean to tell me you've never had a three-way with two exes? Now that is truly unbelievable. But seriously, Dan, I have to ask you this question. If a two-penised goat were to do the sexual thing of your choice to you, what would it be?

Gag me.

Damn! I knew it! OK, who had "gag me" in the pool?

We are now five paragraphs into this 'column.' Lets review what have we learned.

1) Shaughnessy is physically ill.
2) Shaugnessy will pass this illness on to the rest of us via this column.
3) Shaughnessy has sexual fantasies about two-penised goats tying him up.
4) I talk about poop too much.

This was like watching Paul McCartney holding hands with Yoko Ono, telling us how much he always loved John Lennon’s wife — in a pathetic effort to sell some product, of course.

Beatles reference? Sheesh... at least all my lame references happened in the last thirty years. And what does hair gel have to do with this?

Do not be fooled. Life is long and people change. There is certainly every possibility that Nomar has matured and will henceforth pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox.

Now we come to the meat of Shaughnessy's "argument". I put "argument" in quotes because it's hardly an argument. Its more like the incessant bleating of a small oft-ignored animal, perhaps a cat who is locked out of the bathroom and doesn't want to mess the carpet lest he not receive his nightly vittles. But I digress.

In what world is Nomar required to "pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox"? And what exactly is the Gospel of the Red Sox? "In 406 days Ted Williams created Fenway Park?" (Wow, that's lame. Shame on me for not deleting it.)

My point: what in the living fuck are you talking about, Dan?

But it’s downright fraudulent to deny or ignore how bad this relationship was at the end. Nomar hated Boston and the Red Sox in 2004, and the Sox knew they had to get rid of him if they had a chance to win a World Series. It was nasty and personal and it was obvious to everyone who was around the team in that iconic season.

I wasn't in the locker room in '04 when the relationship between Nomar and the Sox got bad, according to Shaugnessy. But, again, what does this have to do with the Red Sox and Nomar patching things up? Maybe it was awful back in '04, and maybe it wasn't. But in either case that was seven years ago. As Shaughnessy himself says a paragraph earlier, people can and do change and mature as life goes on.

I've just quoted Shaughnessy to refute Shaughnessy. This is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

No. 5 was Positively 4th Street in 2004.

I have no idea what this means. 4th Street? Is that some sort of insult? I'm not familiar with 4th Street in Boston. I googled "4th Street" and "4th Street Boston" I still have no idea what Shaughnessy is talking about.

More pertinently, this is about the time that Shaughnessy's premise, repeated ad nauseum since the beginning of the column, gets stale. Its time to bring in some of the ol' revisionist history! Dan, have at it!

It was a drag just to see him in the clubhouse. That’s why he had to go. And that’s why the Sox eventually won.

Did you all catch that? The Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 because they traded Nomar. After that, done deal. Just like Shaughnessy's August 1st, 2004 column entitled "The Red Sox Will Now Win The World Series"*.

* Shaughnessy's actual column from August 1st 2004 is entitled "You're Going Down, You Red Sox Loving MF'ers!". I looked it up.

This reminds me of the often untold story of Theo Epstein, days before the trade deadline back in '04. As the story goes, Epstein couldn't sleep. After drinking a couple bottles of NyQuil and several apple-tinis, it came to him: Trade Nomar, win World Series! Genius! Contrary to Shaughnessy's account though, there was no "eventually". Everything happened immediately. Nomar called the Cubs, they said "We'll take Nomar" and without a word exchanged Epstein hung up. Immediately there was a knock at Epstein's door. It was Commissioner Bud, Bob Costas, and the entire Red Sox team all in uniform including Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz. Commissioner Bud said, "It is with great pride that I present to you, Theo Epstein, the World Series trophy! Congratulations! Also, this is a hallucination brought on by NyQuil and Apple-tinis so if I turn into a tiger wearing a tutu and try to eat your testes, don't be alarmed.

The Sox had attempted to trade him prior to the season after he turned down a four-year, $60 million contract offer. He arrived in Fort Myers with a burr in his saddle and was miserable from day one.

The burr in Nomar's saddle soon prevented him from bending an elbow down at the saloon with the boys. Nomar's days of hog kill'n were clearly over and he blew up daily. Epstein saw the hard case bandito and knew he would have to beef him else the doggies would never reach the corral.

He developed Achilles’ tendinitis, allegedly after a ball hit him in the batting cage (nobody witnessed this).

*cough*NOMARISALIAR!!!*cough* Subtlety, thy name is Dan Shaughnessy.

Then came the nationally televised midsummer game at Yankee Stadium, when Nomar refused to play while Derek Jeter saved the game with a face-first plunge into the stands behind third base.

I remember that game. Jeter caught the ball about a foot foul and took roughly seventy-hundred steps before hurling himself into the stands, landing safely in the lap of Keith Olbermann's mother, who stood and applauded, knocking Jeter off her lap where upon he banged his head on a railing. That day is now Jeterday, a national holiday (except in Arizona).

It went downhill from there. [Nomar or this column? WAKA-WAKA-WAKA!] On the last home weekend before the trading deadline, there was a meeting involving Nomar, agent Arn Tellem, Epstein, and the Sox owners.

“We needed to talk about how unhappy Nomar was,’’ Lucchino recalled in December of ’04. “Was there anything that could be done to change his mental state of mind, his approach to the organization, the city, and the game? We basically concluded that there was no way we were going to have a happy Nomar Garciaparra for the last couple of months of the season.’’

Or, more importantly, Epstein realized his team could be without their shortstop for a significant period of time in a close pennant race. He was able to leverage Nomar as a name player and make a trade which boiled down to an injured starting shortstop for a healthy starting shortstop and got a back up first baseman in the deal too.

When Nomar joined the Cubs they had 57 games left. He played in 43 of those games (75%) which gives him credit for two games where he had only one plate appearance. His replacement with the Red Sox, Orlando Cabrera, played in 58 (98%) of the 59 games the Red Sox had remaining.

But never let those pesky facts get in the way of an awful story.

[...Shaughnessy spends the next three paragraphs going over the good things that Nomar did on the field and off while in Boston (but can't help throwing in a 'he might have done steroids' just so you remember who the author is)...]

In good times and bad, Garciaparra was unnecessarily difficult in all interactions with the media. It made no sense, given the fawning coverage he received (and deserved) for the first seven years of his career.

Ah-ha! Here's Shaughnessy's real problem. Garciaparra was "unnecessarily difficult" with the media (read: him). I award Shaughnessy 400,000 gaypoints and a case of turtle wax!

Fans needn’t care which players give good sound bites, but no one was more unhappy than Nomar, and it infected the workplace.

Other things fans shouldn't care about:
1. The migratory patterns of the monarch butterfly
2. Derek Jeter's persistent anal warts
3. Whether or not Downie really is the quicker picker uper
4. The conversion rate between gaypoints and geighpoints
5. Dan Shaughnessy

It’s forgiving of the Sox to bring him back, but there’s no need to reinvent history in the process. Sox fans are too smart. It’s insulting for Epstein, Lucchino, and Garciaparra to insist that this relationship has always been good.

This column, predictably, has degenerated into total bullshit. Nobody at the press conference that spawned this horrific column ever suggested that the relationship between Garciaparra and the Red Sox "has always been good." Nobody. I've been over the damned transcript. It didn't happen.

In yesterday’s sorry spirit of disingenuousness and hypocrisy, Garciaparra announced that he has taken a job with ESPN. This makes him a member of the media, which is like Sarah Palin telling us she is going to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Actually, its more like Sarah Palin telling us she's going to be a member of the media. Which she is.

Garciaparra is the one who had a red stripe put down in front of lockers in the Sox clubhouse. Woe was the scribe who crossed Nomar’s line of death. Now he is a credential-wearing media guy, groveling for free food, Marriott points, and a few seconds with 20-year-old Casey Kelly.

At least we see how Shaughnessy views himself. Groveling for free food and a few seconds with a twenty year old? Talk about someone who has no respect for his chosen profession and likely himself. No wonder he's so jaded and irritable.

One cannot help but be reminded of the Frank Graham Jr. line regarding Yankees outfielder Bob Meusel, a cranky player who mellowed at the finish:

“He’s learning to say hello when it’s time to say goodbye.’’

Other things the immortal Fran Graham Jr. said about Bob Meusel:

1. He’s learning to say 'eat me' when it’s time to say merry Christmas.
2. He’s learning to say 'I have venereal disease' when it’s time to say 'I love you'.
3. He’s learning to say 'ho bitch' when it’s time to address his boss.

What ever happened to Fran Graham Jr. anyway? A quick google search says "Died in tragic doily accident"... Yeesh.

Welcome home, Nomie.

Indeed... 'Nomie?'

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Ovie Suspended. Again.

Has the NHL confused two time reigning MVP Alex Ovechkin with Sean Avery? Now that Matthew Barnababy is retired, the NHL needs another whipping boy? Maybe Colin Campbell needs to start eating Activia. Regularity could improve his mood.

What other explanation could there be for the NHL docking Ovie two games for a shove of Brian Campbell during the Caps comeback win in Chicago Sunday? Campbell had just played the puck in the corner and Ovie pushed him somewhere in between his side and his back. Campbell was turning to cruise behind the Chicago net when Ovie pushed him. The shove caused Campbell to tumble into the boards, breaking a collar bone and a few ribs in the process.

A nasty injury resulting from an unnecessary push. But so many of the NHL's hits (and pushes) are unnecessary, so that seems a tough standard. To my eyes, there was no intent to injure on the play. If Ovie wanted to injure Campbell he could have crushed him, but he didn't. The injury is unfortunate, but Ovie, who was assessed a five minute major penalty and thrown out of the game, already paid more than he should have before the suspension.

That's just my opinion (obviously). The thing that makes this so interesting is the wide range of opinions that Ovie's "hit" on Campbell has inspired. Some, like me, think Ovie is being punished too severely. Others think he's out to injure other players and should've been suspended. I won't bother linking to all of the articles out there, but the Washington Post's Capitals Insider has a good rundown of some of the varying opinions this has inspired.

In the end, this probably doesn't matter much for the Capitals. They've already clinched the Southeastern Division, and they're probably going to be the number 1 seed in the east. The team this impacts is Chicago, who lost a good player to a nasty injury potentially for the rest of the season.

Ovie would be wise to listen to the sage words of Mike Knuble, who said, "You would like to see him being more careful because, number one, you don't want to see him hurt himself and, number two, so he doesn't miss games -- for our benefit."
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Pujols For Howard? You Craaay-zay!

With the NCAA Tournament bracket announced yesterday you'd think that would be the topic burning up the airwaves here in Philly. In a related story, I'm going to miss listing to WIP when I move. Its the sports radio equivalent of stand up comedy. Anyway, Temple is a fifth seed while Villanova is a second seed. This is rings of a talk radio fodder, right? Well, normally yes. But not today folks. Today they're talking about The Trade (That Won't Ever Happen) (TT(TWEH)).

Yesterday ESPN's Buster Olney reported that the Phillies had internally discussed trading Ryan Howard, who is from St. Louis, to the Cardinals for Albert Pujols. Yes, Howard for Pujols.

A couple things.

1) This is obviously intended to do nothing but stir shit up. The Phillies have had "internal discussions"? Wow, go out on a damn limb there, Buster. If they're doing their job the Phillies have likely had internal discussions on just about every player. This is not news.

2) There is a certain symmetry to this. Both are 30 year old first basemen under contract through next season. Pujols will make $32 million over those two years, Howard $39 million.

3) This deal is completely ridiculous. According to Fangraphs.com, Howard has been worth $90.5 million over the last four years for an average of $22.62 million per year. Pujols has been worth $139.2 million over the same period, an average of $34.8. The difference in value between Howard and Pujols equals half of Howard's total value. Wrap your head around that.

Defensively Pujols is on another planet from Howard, though Howard has improved lately. But the huge difference is at the plate. Both are great hitters against right-handers. Howard hits them like Pujols but, in a nod to the great Cleveland Indians star Willie Mays Hayes, against lefties Howard hits like shit. Pujols' OPS against lefties in his career is 1.114. Sick. Against righties (Pujols hits right handed) he hits 1.041. Not as sick, but still sick. Compare those numbers to Howard. Howard, who is a lefty, hits right handed pitchers at a 1.070 clip. But against lefties, he's awful, hitting them for an OPS of .754. Of note, Howard's hitting against lefties has been steadily dropping since 2006. Last year he had a .653 OPS against them. Pujols slugged .645 against same sided pitchers last season.

The big problem here is that if you really need to get Howard out, you can vastly improve your chances of doing so by bringing in a left handed pitcher from the bullpen. With Pujols, well you have to walk him, or if there is someone on first, you just have to hope you can get him out.

What does all this mumbo-jumbo mean? It means Pujols is simply a much better player than Howard. The Cardinals would be out of their minds to trade one for the other straight up. If there is more to the trade, like for instance Howard would sign a long term deal with St. Louis, but not with Philadelphia, and Pujols won't sign long term with St. Louis but would with Philadelphia, then you could call the trade a case of getting something rather than nothing. But that isn't a likely scenario.

In fact, the trade isn't a likely scenario. Its just Buster Olney filing up column inches.

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In Russia, Hockey Fights You!

F the Flyers/Senators! This is a real hockey fight. 'Cause when Avangard visits Vityaz, you can throw out all the rules. And the hockey. Because that really doesn't even enter into it.

Watching the video below, at first it seems that its only two guys fighting, a normal hockey fight at the beginning of the game between two teams who don't like each other much. I assume. Its all in Russian. But after a few seconds of the two guys pummeling each other, the camera pulls back to show everyone on the ice fighting. Its total chaos out there.

It takes about two minutes for the officials to pull everyone off each other. Two minutes doesn't sound like much, but try staring at your watch for two minutes. Its a while. Finally, at 3:02 (of the video - they don't show the scoreboard time) they drop the puck again and play resumes.

For seven seconds.

Then another brawl breaks out and again everyone on the ice pairs up and starts swinging. They've got about two minutes into the game and already there have been ten fights. At one point two officials drag one guy over to the penalty box and literally have to shove him in as he's still trying to get at someone else.

Finally, once again, after a prolonged stoppage, the officials manage to restore order and attempt to drop the puck. They don't even get that far this time. The video kinda cuts a bit here but it seems that as soon as the puck drops so do the gloves. Everyone's. Again. At this point what is left of the benches streams onto the ice. The goalies are fighting (not even each other) and the crowd seems to be chanting "De-Fence! De-Fence!" Of course its in Russian so it probably means something else.

That's entirely more play-by-play than is necessary. Enjoy:




One of the funny things about this video is that the announcers voices never rise above reporting what is happening. There's no excitement, no partisanship, none of that.

Anyway, uh, go Vityaz!

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This Is Your Semi-Weekly The-Caps-Are-Kicking-Everyone's-Butt Update

This has happened two hundred sixty-four times this year. And counting.

I know these posts are probably getting old. But guess what? Don't care. Know the last time the Caps dominated the NHL like this? Never, that's when. But they're doing it now. Are there areas to improve on? Sure, but less so than every other hockey team.

Last night's win against a Carolina team still fighting for its playoff life has inspired me. Lets run the numbers. The Caps:

* ...have a 33 point lead over second place Atlanta in the Southeastern Division. That's the biggest divisional lead in hockey by 17 points (Chicago's 16 point lead over Nashville is second). Washington is two points away from clinching the division. If they win one of the next two games they'll clinch the division before they play their 70th game of the year.

* ...are in first place in the Eastern Conference by 15 points over second place New Jersey. That is the biggest lead in either conference.

* ...have a six point lead over San Jose and Chicago for the President's Trophy (awarded for best record in the regular season). The Capitals franchise has never won the President's Trophy before in its 35 year history.

* ...have the biggest goal differential in the NHL (+75) by 18 over Chicago's +57 and the biggest goal differential in the Eastern Conference by 52 over Philadelphia's +23.

* ...have scored the most goals in the NHL (264). That's 44 more than second place Chicago and Vancouver, and 53 more than Pittsburgh, the next highest scoring team in the Eastern Conference.

* ...have the most wins (45), and fewest regulation losses (13) in the NHL. They're tied for the fewest total losses (22) with Chicago.

This is called domination, folks. Admittedly, it don't mean bupkis once the playoffs start, but it sure is fun for now.

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Rosenthal Proposes Realigning; I Propose Not

Rosenthal's pretty pretty map

There's been some talk around the proverbial watercooler about realigning baseball's divisions recently. In typical fashion, Commissioner Bud has talked about it publicly without actually proposing anything. So I don't know how I missed this one, but Ken Rosenthal of Foxsports.com wrote an article last month suggesting a radical realignment of Major League Baseball's divisional system. He even had a pretty map (pictured above) to show what he's proposing.

Its nice and all, but why change things up? In a nutshell, his reasoning comes down to this: The Red Sox and the Yankees shouldn't be in the same division.

In Rosenthal's words, "Baseball, to achieve greater competitive balance, needs to blow up its divisions and maybe its leagues." He goes on to say, "Specifically, it needs to blow up the AL East, which threatens to disintegrate into the Yankees, Red Sox and three baseball versions of the Washington Generals."

Rosenthal's proposal is at least interesting. It has the Yankees joining the Mets, Orioles, Nationals, and Blue Jays in what he calls the AL Atlantic Division. The Red Sox (and Rays) head to the National League, which bares no resemblance to the current NL, to play in a revamped NL East with the Phillies, Braves, and Marlins.

It is a good read, and I don't want to beat on Rosenthal for throwing something out there. He obviously put lots of thought into it and its not a bad proposal, really. Still, there is a fundamental problem with the idea itself. He thinks the Red Sox and Yankees are both too strong and, to achieve competitive balance, should be in different divisions. But doesn't putting them in different divisions ensure that both will make the playoffs all the time? If your goal is competitive balance, by which I assume he means he wants as many teams as possible to have a shot at the post season and the World Series, wouldn't you want both of New York and Boston to play in the same division where they can beat each other up? In other words, isn't moving them away from each other exasperating the problem?

Rosenthal's proposal puts the Yankees in a division with the Mets and the Red Sox in a division with the Phillies. The Phillies are spending $138 Million in salaries this year. Know how much the Unstoppable Mighty Behemoth that is the Boston Red Sox spent on salaries in 2009? $121 Million. As a matter of fact, the Red Sox have exceeded $138 Million in player salaries twice ever. In fairness, one of those times is this year, the other was in 2007 when they were $5 million over.

This isn't to defend the Red Sox or attack the Phillies. The point is salaries and thus team payrolls fluctuate. Teams pay more some years, and less in others. Sure, some teams have more money to spend, but others have ownership that has money but isn't willing to spend it. The Yankees are the Yankees and as long as they're owned by the Steinbrenners they're going to spend the most money on players. But the Red Sox aren't the Yankees (despite what people say). Seven teams are in bigger television markets than the Red Sox. The point is that there is still room to maximize revenue for those clubs and likely for many others as well.

Take the Mets.* They play in the same market as the Yankees. I'd argue that with good ownership, the Mets would be thought of as a powerhouse. Instead, they're owned and run by incompetents, so nobody thinks of them that way. But, sometime in the future, someone will buy the team and begin to maximize its revenue stream. They'll put a GM in charge who knows how to evaluate all talent and spend money. Then, after a few years, everyone will start saying, "We can't have the Mets in the same division with the Phillies!" Or, if Rosenthal's idea was implemented, they'd be saying, "We can't have the Mets in the same division with the Yankees!"

* Please!!

My point: There are too many factors at play here (market size, ownership, roster, etc.) and all of them are constantly changing. Rosenthal's idea is a realignment based on current financial parameters. This is constructing a building on a foundation of sand. In ten years, things will be different. In twenty years you won't even recognize it.

The current thought process is the Yankees and Red Sox will always be #1 and #2 in baseball's payroll standings, but things change quickly, often more quickly than we're willing to acknowledge. Here are the top five teams in payroll ten seasons ago in 2000:

1. New York Yankees . . . . . $92,938,260
2. Los Angeles Dodgers . . .$90,375,953
3. Baltimore Orioles . . . . . $83,141,198
4. Atlanta Braves . . . . . . . $82,732,500
5. Boston Red Sox . . . . . . $81,210,333

Definitely different, but not so crazy, right? The Yankees are still at the top, along with the big market Dodgers and the Red Sox are still there too. Prepare yourself for ten years before that, way back in 1990:

1. Kansas City Royals . $ 23,873,745
2. New York Mets . . . .$ 22,418,834
3. Los Angeles Angels . $ 21,870,000
4. Los Angeles Dodgers. $ 21,618,704
5. New York Yankees . . $ 20,991,318

Lucky we didn't realign around that, huh?

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Keith Olbermann Agrees With Me: Bill Simmons Sucks

D-bag

I don't know what it says about me that I don't like Bill Simmons when everyone else does. Simmons podcast is the most downloaded on these here interwebs and his column is one of the main reasons people surf over to ESPN.com. So he must be doing something right. Right?

Not to me. Plainly put, I find him stupid. His conclusions and opinions are often simple and his pop-culture jokes unfunny. I'm sure he's a billion times smarter than me and a hundred billion times a better writer. I won't dispute either, so reading my writing must be similar to shooting mustard up your nose: painful and straight up inadvisable.

That out of the way, there must be something wrong with me. In all the people I count among my friends, many who I know for a fact are far better writers than I'll ever be, it seems all are Simmons fans. Again, I must be missing something.

So it came as a minty blast to read Keith Olbermann's opinion of Bill Simmons in a recent post on his blog, Baseball Nerd. Here's the note in its entirety:

If you'd like to read the most poorly-informed conclusion I've come across in sports media this year, you have your link. Proceed with caution. In short, it is the contention that the comeback of Tiger Woods will be more difficult than the one Muhammad Ali faced in the 1960's. If the writer can let me know when Woods is punitively drafted by the military even though he is about eight years older than almost all the other draftees, I'll begin to take him seriously. In the interim I am again left to marvel how somebody can rise to a fairly prominent media position with no discernible insight or talent, save for an apparent ability to mix up a vast bowl of word salad very quickly.

Man! *deep breath* I could not agree more.

Of course, Simmons, ever the professional, fired back on twitter and, Olbermann contends, in the comments section of his post under multiple aliases (I didn't read the comments to check). I'll spare you the he-said-she-said, but Olbermann's reply to Simmons' tweets is here, and it's worth a moment.

In any case, its nice to know I'm not completely in the wilderness when it comes to my dislike/lack of understanding of Bill Simmons.
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Pointless Predictionating: 2010 Baseball Edition

Spring Training means the start of baseball season is around the corner (in a month and a half, but hey, who's counting?). That means its time to start looking at who the experts think will win this year because nothing symbolizes America like predictions from uninformed experts! Like me! So, with that in your back pocket, here are what I like to call my 100% GUARANTEED TO BE RIGHT final standings for the 2010 baseball season (100%GTBRFSFT2010BS)*.

*No guarantee either expressed or implied. Offer only valid in some states (sorry Tennessee!). May not be used in conjunction with any other offers. Take your penis pills and shut up.


Lets start in the AL. Here's what I got:


It should be no surprise that I have the Red Sox as the best team in the East, in the AL and in all of baseball, fanboy that I am. Still, its hard to dispute how awesome the Sox rotation could be this year if they stay relatively healthy. Their defense should be improved across the board and the pen not only has Papelbon but Bard as well.

My wild card winner is the Yankees. The Yankees are the Yankees (i.e. a team with an infield that costs as much as most teams spend on their entire roster). Though their core gets older and older that never seems to matter. One year Rivera, Jeter, Posada, and Pettitte are going to fall off the cliff, but that probably won't be this year (or next, or the next).

The Rays are a very good team, but not up to the standards of the two behemoths in their own division. They'd probably win the Central or West in either league, but that wasn't the hand they were dealt. If they're out of it by the trading deadline, Carl Crawford and/or Carlos Pena could be dealt for prospects. Baltimore has made strides to compete but are still probably the worst team in the division in terms of known major league talent. The O's have a number of young players, most moundsman, who are on the cusp of being productive players in the bigs. If there is a team on the downside of rebuilding in the AL East it's the Blue Jays who are going to take a step or two back after throwing in the towel on the increasingly disastrous JP Richiardi regime. Its not that they don't have good young players, its that they don't have nearly enough of them.

The Central Division is going to be a catfight of slightly above mediocre teams. The Twins seem to be everyone's favorite, but I'm going with the White Sox. They have better starting pitching and I'm expecting the Twins offense to take a step or two back this year. The Tigers have some great young players, but they're probably still a step or two behind Minnesota and Chicago based on defense and a few notable holes in their lineup and at the back end of their rotation. The Indians and Royals aren't in contention this year though there might be some delusional souls in the KC front office who feel differently. One difference between these two bad clubs is one knows its bad, the other maybe doesn't.

Like every other stat-friendly writer/analyst/wannabe, I have the Mariners winning the west. Yes they got a bit lucky last year, but adding Cliff Lee for nothing off the major league roster combined with adding Figgins and keeping Bedard, well, this has the potential to be a good club. The Rangers have significant upside too, though they've taken on more risk to do so. Is there a more perfect personification of risk than Rich Harden? The Angels have signed another ex-Yankee hitter who can't field to a $5M deal (Matsui), but have lost Figgins and #1 starter John Lackey to other AL playoff contenders. Further, this isn't a good defensive team that is likely to win the close games. The A's are still building. One of these days they'll get there, but this year won't be it.



And the NL:


The class of the National League is undoubtedly the Philadelphia Phillies. They've managed to accumulate the best offense in the NL and couple it with a great top two of starting pitchers. That should be enough to win the NL East by a safe margin. Only a severe injury plague can derail the Phils returning to the playoffs. I'm probably stupid to pick the Marlins this high - this is likely a bad under estimation of the Braves and Mets - but the young talent the Marlins have is impressive. Combined with Josh Johnson getting better and better and the great Hanley Ramirez and you have the makings of a good team. The Braves are trying to hold together the remnants of their great team with some mediocre players as tape. I overestimated them last season and they're all a year older this year. The Mets are as incompetently run as any organization in baseball. They have talent at lots of positions, but seem intent on ruining it (google "David Wright Opposite Field"). The Nationals are Ryan Zimmerman, Stephen Strasburg's talent, and a whole lot of filler. Next.

The Cardinals have two top of the rotation starters and the best hitter in baseball. That in and of itself is enough to win the NL Central. If Matt Holiday continues to hit like he did last season in St. Louis he's worth the money they gave him. If he reverts to Oakland form they're going to regret that deal quickly. Either way they're going to win the Central though. The Brewers have some serious young talent, but they're going to have to stay in the race from the beginning or the team may have to start selling off assets. I think they have the talent to do it. After them, wow, does the rest of this division blow. The Cubs are on the down escalator, the Reds have some young talent and just the manager to ruin it, and the Astros just extended GM Ed Wade after giving a three year deal to a mediocre middle reliever.

Somehow the combination of Ned Colletti and Joe Torre haven't killed the Dodgers. They have too much young talent, especially in the rotation, not to win the NL West this season, but a few injuries could expose the soft underbelly of this franchise. Verdict: red meat for the Phillies in the first round for the third year in a row. The Giants may just have the best starting rotation in the NL. Tim Lincecum is as sick as sick can be and with Madison Bumgarner lining up with Matt Cain and the criminally over-paid but not actually bad Barry Zito, that's some shit right there. Unfortunately nobody on the team can hit with the exception of Kung Foo Panda. If there was ever a team that needed to sign a few league average hitters, this is it. Unfortunately for SF fans, their team is run by Brian Sabean. The Rockies and Diamondbacks are both relatively young teams with lots of tools that may or may not ever become useful at the major league level. The Padres are dead in the water. Take a number if you're interested in trading for Adrian Gonzalez.

* * *

Ridiculously Premature Playoffs Predictions:

AL
(1) Red Sox over (3) White Sox in 3 games
(4) Yankees over (2) Twins in 4 games

ALCS: (1) Red Sox over (4) Yankees in 5 games

NL
(1) Phillies over (4) Brewers in 5 games
(2) Cardinals over (3) Dodgers in 4 games

NLCS: (1) Phillies over (2) Cardinals in 7 games

World Series: (1) Red Sox over (1) Phillies in 6 games

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Redskins Cut Just About Everyone

What is Redskins new head coach Mike Shanahan's opinion of the roster he inherited? He never said specifically but based on his actions you have to think that "complete and total crap" can't be far off.

The day before free agency began (yes, I know I'm a few days behind with this - I've been trying to do a pushup) Shanahan and puppet GM Bruce "Not-George" Allen cut a fifth of their roster. The cuts included starting defensive tackle and occasional pro bowler Cornelius Griffin, perpetually injured occasional pro bowl offensive guard Randy Thomas, jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none and possessor of the coolest name since World B. Free Rock Cartwright, boat fucker Fred Smooooot, diminutive in size and talent but not paycheck wide receiver Antwaan Randle-El, and back up running back to the gods Ladell Betts.

Oh, and they also cut Todd Collins.

I picture Shanahan, Allen over his left shoulder, standing in front of a line of the above players, each standing at attention. Shanahan is walking down the line with a clip board stopping in front of each to shout “YER CUT” while punching each in the face like Little Mac in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.

After checking off the last cut on his clip board, Shanahan points to a door at the end of the room. All lights darken except one spotlight on that door. The door opens, smoke pours out, and out steps… [drum roll] Artis Hicks!

Just like that the Redskins went from Dan Snyder’s Overpaid Under-performing Band of Not-So-Lovable Stumblebums to Shanahan’s… well, we don’t really know yet.

Shanahan’s Redskins are going to be very different from the team under Zorn, under Gibbs, and under every other coach Snyder has employed. First of all, they’re going to run a 3-4 defense, which is going to be weird because the Redskins, in the 30 or so years I’ve been watching, have never run a 3-4 defense. Second, they’re not going to try to win the Super Bowl in March.

After that, we don’t really know what they’re going to do. Quarterback Jason Campbell is a restricted free agent and the Skins have apparently made it known they like Campbell, but they don’t LIKE like him, if you know what I mean. With the number four overall pick in this April’s draft they’ll likely be targeting a young quarterback, unless they don’t. And what else do we know? The new coach expects everyone to be in shape, including former owner’s pet/mannequin (both in terms of dress and speed) Clinton Portis.

A new day has dawned over Redskins Park. Mike Shanahan has a long term plan for the franchise, and unlike previous regimes, its more complicated then “Take what the other guys offered ya and double it”. The Redskins time as Raiders East may be ending and it has taken an ex-Raiders coach to do it.

In the words of excellent writer if not analyst Thomas Boswell,

Here's where the capriciousness of sports arrives. You can get a new coach with two Super Bowl rings and an experienced GM with an Allen pedigree; you can cultivate the owner's best traits, not worst; you can get younger and demand more discipline; you can switch defensive schemes and stop playing favorites.

[...]

For fans who have been more peeved by the way the team has been run than by its 70-90 mark in the 2000s, the last two weeks have been encouraging. But it's the next two years that matter.

Ain't that the truth.

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Back In The Saddle Again

Image taken from The Washington Post

After some time off for something called the Oilimpiks (or something) the Caps are back on. Last night's win against Tampa gave them a 28 point lead on their nearest divisional opponent (Atlanta) and a 14 point lead over their nearest Eastern Conference foe (New Jersey).

The Caps have outscored their opponents by 73 goals this season. The next best differential in the Eastern Conference is ... you'll never guess this... the Philadelphia Flyers who are +21. That's a 52 point margin. Its called lapping the field. Twice.

The Caps also hold a three point edge over San Jose in the race for the President's trophy.

No real point here other than this: the Caps are better than your favorite team. It doesn't matter that they have Jose Theodore in goal or that you can't name any of their defenseman other than Mike Green. They're better.

And right now, they're just waiting for the playoffs.

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Think Things Are Getting Better For Ol' Bitch Tits? Think Again.

I'm totally gonna do this mirror.

After years of being the highest paid untrue Yankee, Alex Rodriguez should be over the hump. In last year's post season which culminated in a World Series win over Philadelphia, Rodriguez hit .365/.500/.808. That's a 1.308 OPS, people, about .200 points better than World Series MVP and current ex-Yankee Hideki Matsui's 1.136. In addition to that, A-Rod stood up in front of the world and admitted his transgressions with steroids. He manned up, then in the post season he stood up. Now he's a World Series hero and a true Yankee.

Yeah, not so fast, Bitch Tits. The New York Times is reporting that Alex Rodriguez is among a number of prominent athletes, including Tiger Woods, who is under investigation for their association with Canadian doctor Anthony Galea. According to the Times:

Galea, who is based in Toronto, has been charged by the Canadian authorities with conspiring to smuggle human growth hormone and other drugs into the United States. He has not been charged in the United States. He has denied that he provided professional athletes with performance-enhancing drugs but said that he had used human growth hormone for the last 10 years and prescribed it to some patients.

[...]

People who have been briefed on the investigation also have information that Alex Rodriguez was treated by Galea at some point and that Rodriguez is of interest to investigators. They said they did not know when, or how often, Galea met with Rodriguez.

One athlete who was treated by Galea in Canada was told by the doctor that he had traveled to New York to treat Rodriguez, according to a person who talked to the athlete afterward. Neither that person nor the individuals who have been briefed on the investigation wanted to be identified because the investigation is continuing.

As part of Rodriguez’s rehabilitation from hip surgery last March, he was treated by Dr. Mark Lindsay, a chiropractor from White Lake, Ontario, who has worked with Galea.

And this gets even more interesting as the Yankees themselves released a statement saying, "The Yankees never authorized Dr. Tony Galea to treat Alex Rodriguez, nor do we have knowledge of any such treatment."

So, to sum up, the World Series Hero and newly crowned True Yankee A-Rod may, May!, have been involved with a doctor who is known to prescribe HGH to professional athletes. This doctor may, MAY!, have traveled to New York to work with Rodriguez. Also, the Yankees, the team that will employ him for the next eight years at a cost of $216 million, have no knowledge of any of this.

Me thinks A-Rod has a terminal case of optirectitis.

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