Yes, the poor poor sports writers. They are the ones who are forced to write puff pieces about LeBron James or learn the rules to Curling. They use a broom for what? You can't be serious.
Of course there is one refuge, one beacon of light from on high, one last straw to pull out of the clasped hand of destiny. What last topic could the sad sports writer rely on to be there for him when all else abandons him? The answer should be obvious: the New York Yankees.
Bob Klapisch of the Bergen (New Jersey) Record and Foxsports.com (home of Sean Hannity's Conservative Super Bowl, the only game where punting on first down is not just encouraged, its stringently enforced) has made a list.
What kind of list, you ask. Perfectly valid question, fair reader, and yet after having read said list I have no good answer. It seems to be a list of players who would look good in pinstripes. Or who did look good in pinstripes. Or whom the Yankees could sign if they hadn't already signed other players. Or whom the Yankees could sign if they hadn't already signed with other teams.
Here is what Klapisch has to say about it:
There’s no neutral ground with this empire; you either admire the Bombers’ obsession with winning and their limitless supply of cash, or else you’re convinced every Yankee victory brings us a day closer to the apocalypse.
Given that passion, here are 10 players who’d be difference-makers in Pinstripes, the one who could raise the Yankees to the level of untouchables. Either that, or drag them a rung closer to the inferno.
Right. Still not entirely clear on what this is a list of, but fine. We'll go with it.
Here is #10:
#10: Prince Fielder
The images are too powerful to ignore; with Fielder headed for free agency this winter, coming off a modest, two-year, $18 million deal, he’s clearly looking at a pay-off worthy of his stature. Who better than the Steinbrenner family to finance that new revenue stream?
As you may know if you follow baseball at all, Fielder plays first base. The Yankees signed a first baseman last off season to an eight year contract. That means after this season when Fielder is a free agent, the first baseman they signed last off season will have six years remaining on his contract. The Yankees have first base filled for the next seven years, or to put into political terms, through the first four years of the Palin administration. (Michael, not Sarah.)
So, one player into the list, and we have a player who will be a free agent next season at a position which the Yankees have the least possible amount of need. Well played, Bob Klapisch! I award you ten gaypoints and the ability to move on!
#9: Tim Lincecum
Negotiations between the Giants and their ace are going poorly; it’s a near certainty that Lincecum will end up across the table from his bosses at an arbitration hearing.
This was written before Lincecum settled before reaching an arbitration hearing. Oops.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Looks like the Giants wised up at the last minute, avoiding arbitration by agreeing to a two-year, $23 million contract for Lincecum on Friday, after this was written.
Good show on the mea culpa, but Lincecum won't be a free agent for four years. And that assumes he isn't signed to a long term contract by the Giants in the meantime. So, sure Lincecum would be a great pitcher for the Yankees. Is that really the point of publishing this? Apparently so...
#8: Albert Pujols
Here we go again with the first basemen. I'm not even going to quote Klapisch's blurb about how awesome Pujols would look in Yankee pinstripes (so slimming!). Current Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira - yes, him again - will have six more years on his deal at $22.5 million per year when Pujols becomes a free agent. Teixeira signed the seventh largest contract in terms of total value ever in baseball history. His yearly salary will be the fourth largest ever in baseball history. The Yankees can not trade Mark Teixeira. Thus, unless they are willing to pay $50 million per year for a first baseman, they can not sign or trade for Albert Pujols.
Stupid suggestion. Not going to happen. Moving on.
#7: Joe Mauer
Another pipe dream here, because baseball really needs Mauer and the Twins to stay married for a long, long time. His hypothetical defection to the Yankees would be enough to hand a generation of fans over to MMA, or the WWE, or bowling. It would start an insurgency that Bud Selig could never quell.
No one player is going to bring down the game. No one player signing with the Yankees is going to bring down the game. As a matter of fact, many many players are going to sign big contracts with the Yankees. Its going to happen. Mauer may or he may not, but as far as the game goes, I don't think a Mauer move to New York would cause any kind of boon to professional bowling.
But similar to the Pujols scenario, it’s impossible to completely extinguish the Yankee pipe dream as long as Mauer remains unsigned beyond 2010. They’ve got the money, the need (as Posada transitions toward DH status) and the near-guarantee of putting Mauer in the postseason every year.
And can you imagine what the game’s best hitting catcher would do in home run-friendly Yankee Stadium? It’s enough to make a Yankee dreamer perspire in anticipation — and enough to make a Twins fans wake up in a cold sweat, thankful that Mauer isn’t leaving the Twin Cities anytime soon.
Mauer would surely play well in New York. Kinda like how he plays well in Minnesota. I'm still not sure what the point of all this is, but sure, Mauer would be a good fit with the Yankees - the first good fit on this list so far. In fact, Mauer would be an amazingly perfect fit with every team in baseball save the Braves (they already have Brian McCann).
One thing I do wonder, why is Mauer number seven? I guess it has something to do with the purpose behind this list, which I have yet to identify. Maybe I'll figure it out and all of the clouds will clear.
#6: Dustin Pedroia
Nope. Not a clue.
Yes, we know the Yankees have the more talented second baseman in Robinson Cano. The Bronx incumbent is smooth, super-cool and has a hitting DNA to die for. But Pedroia plays harder and has a greater emotional investment in the day-to-day outcome of his team. In other words, he cares more than Cano.
Wait! I think I'm actually starting to get it. This is a list of players who, if money, position, contracts, other players, current roster construction, the alignment of the planets, and the composition of matter itself were not considerations, would fit in with Bob Klapisch's ideas of who would be a perfect Yankee. Pardon me whilst I throw up...
[cue elevator-type music...]
OK *wipes mouth with sleave* I'm back.
In an alternate reality, Pedroia’s intensity would blend perfectly in a tapestry created by Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada.
In an alternate reality, Derek Jeter's anus wouldn't be raw from the hourly lickings it receives courtesy of the New York Media. In an alternate reality, Mariano Rivera would be a concierge at a fine hotel and be able to distinguish between wine regions with a simple sniff. In an alternate reality Jorge Posada would be a flying elephant, going from chimney to chimney, pooping in people's fireplaces. And in this very same alternate reality, the Yankees would have drafted a 5'6 shortstop and given him a million dollar signing bonus.
We're going to do these last five lightning round style.
#5: John Lackey
#4: Carl Crawford
#3: Cliff Lee
#2: Carlos Beltran
I'm sure the Yankees will take a look at Crawford and Lee, as both are free agents after this coming season. Lackey just signed with the Red Sox after zero published interest from the Yankees, so the Yankees must disagree with Klapisch on him.
I don't get Carlos Beltran's inclusion. By all accounts he's Hispanic and as we all know, Hispanics don't hustle. Only short un-athletic white people do. In all seriousness, Beltran is a hell of a player when healthy, but again, with Curtis Granderson now in the Bronx, the Yankees kinda have this one covered.
The last one is a baffler:
#1: Johnny Damon
This is a sentimental pick, because the Yankees and Damon have obviously moved in opposite directions. Both sides should’ve thought more carefully about that break-up.
If I'm reading this correctly, and I'm not sure I am, according to Bob Klapisch, the Yankees would be better off with Johnny Damon than with Joe Mauer or Albert Pujols?
Yeah, I don't get it.
.
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