The NBA All-Star game, aka the Black Super Bowl, is going to be played in front of 456,000 people at the Death Star this Sunday, and as we're all well aware, the host city of the NBA All-Star game very coincidentally sees a monumental spike in its African-American population. Especially those in the 25-35 year-old, $500,000+ income demographic.
What to do with all that youthful energy, swagger and libido and all that disposable income? Duh! Throw a bigger and more ridiculous All-Star party than the brutha down the block!
I decided to do a little research to see how many such parties are popping off this week and found that there is a overload of festivities that kick off on Wednesday night and continue through the weekend. There are several league and Dallas Mavericks-sanctioned events around town, but those pale in comparison to the litany of Armand de Brignac-fueled celebrations of boombacity taking place in various abandoned warehouses and other legitimate venues.
What do you get when you try to exceed everyone's expectations of excessive excessiveness? These flipping retarded Orgies of Dig Me:
The Private All-Star Jet Hangar Party with Common & Mary J. Blige (Friday):
No, they didn't just rent out a big empty hangar to pack with their friends; the "jet hangar party" is apparently the new rage. Held at Love Field, the superduperstars can actually fly in to town Friday night, land, park their jet and step right in to an exclusive party. And for $2500, you can grab a table for eight, get two premium bottles of booze and actually watch them do it! "Hey,hand me the binoculars! Is that Jay Z getting off that Gulfstream over there?" What a deal.
The dress code reads "upscale and classy," and for some reason, females can be 21, but men have to be 23 to get in.
Akon Celebrity All-Star Weekend Bash (Friday):
Co-hosted by the Atlanta Hawks' Joe Johnson, this "A-list event" had the most expensive ticket by far. For the measly sum of $10,000, you and 15 of your friends get 5 bottles of your choice - so you each get about 2 drinks - and the chance to sit at one of the Celebrity White Room VIP Platinum Tables and look at Akon as he pretends like he wants to talk to you while looking at his watch counting down the minutes until his specified time to be in that room is up.
The Welcome to Dallas Warm Up hosted by Darrell Arthur (Thursday):
Darrell Arthur? Who? He's actually a Dallas native and current Memphis Grizzlie who hasn't played a single game this season due to injury. Somehow he convinced Paul Pierce and Kevin Durant (who seems to have talked the entire OKC Thunder roster in to attending) to co-headline the event. According to the website, invitations have gone out to Rajon Rondo, Kevin Garnett, Vince Carter and many more. I can just picture Carter talking to his manager about his All-Star schedules and the guy gets to Darrell Arthur's invitation. "Darrell Arthur...Darrell Arthur...is he the former third-string point guard from the Magic and Mavericks? I don't think I've ever heard of him. Tell him he can put my name on the flyer for $10,000."
"What time should I tell him that you'll get there?"
(Both): "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Tickets: $2000 for penthouse suite and table. $35 to peak in the door.
Diddy Does Dallas (Friday):
Supposedly, 10,000 fucking people are expected to attend Diddy's little hoe-down; what, you thought someone would outshine the Didster? Co-headliners include Terrell Owens and Josh Howard - one athlete who got ran out of Dallas last year and one who is counting the days before his ticket is punched.
Tickets:
$75 GA
$150 VIP
$2600 VIP Table
$3000 Josh Howard's VIP Tables
$4000 Diddy's VIP Tables
It's like Diddy is the sun and the party-goers of different levels of celebrity and wealth spin around him according to their standing. For $75, you can be Pluto.
LeBron James & Drake - LIVE! (Friday):
You may have heard about the LeBron lickfest known as More Than a Game and Drake's song and video that go with it. You may have even witnessed LeBron rapping Eminem's verse from Forever during a timeout during the Cavaliers' recent drubbing of the Lakers. Well, dress "sophisticated and fly" and catch it live in this mega-bash.
Tickets:
$125 GA
$500 Penthouse Suite
$2650 VIP Table in GA area
$2950 VIP Table in actual VIP Area
$3350 VIP Ultra Table
I don't think it's possible to go higher than an "Ultra Table." It goes to 11.
Alonzo Mourning & Majic Johnson 8 Ball Challenge After Party w/ Doug E. Fresh:
OK. You're hosting a party during the NBA All-Star Game and you fucking spell Magic Johnson's name wrong on the flyer!??! Then you feature Doug E. Fresh as your entertainment? About 90% of those who attend your non-spellchecking ass' party will be too young to even know who Doug E. Fresh is.
You get an F.
Celebrity Lounge featuring Torii Hunter & His Celebrity Friends (Saturday):
Metroplex-resident, and Texas Ranger-spurner, Torii Hunter used the word "celebrity" twice in the title, so it must be huge. Supposedly, Adrian Peterson, Charles Barkley, Donovan McNabb, Derrek Lee and Gary Sheffield will be there. It's going to be held at Eddy Deen's Ranch, a noted country bar and restaurant, because, you know, that's all we have in Dallas, right? Fuck you! It's bad enough that during every nationally-televised football or basketball game, networks make Dallas look like we all still ride horses - next year during the Super Bowl build up, I may blow my head off with my six-shooter after what will surely be a constant parade of country music artists and western images that Fox will throw on the screen. I can't wait for the headline "Donovan McNabb out for the season with fractured neck after being thrown from mechanical bull."
The good news is that for a mere $1300 you can belly on up ta yer VIP Table.
This is getting ridiculous. It's time for the speed round:
Jason Terry & Friends Present The Welcome 2 Dallas Party (Weds):
Tickets: $100 - $1300
Welcome II Dallas - Part II: Ballers Night Out (Thurs)
The sequel, featuring Martellus Bennett, Nathan Vasher and Michael Huff. Just by walking through the front door, Bennett will be making more of an appearance than he did on the field all season for the Cowboys.
Tickets: $40. Seriously. That's it.
2 Can Play That Game (Fri)
Featuring Vivica Fox and Lamann Rucker - who the fuck is Lamann Rucker? Oh I forgot. He's the star of Why Did I Get Married, Meet the Browns...and more.
Tickets: $30 - $800.
The All Black Everything All-Star Party (Sat):
How much more black could it be? None. None more black.* Kevin Durant, Rashard Lewis, Chris Bosh, Aaron Brooks and many more non-white guys are gonna be there; the party's virtually sold out already.
Actually, by "All Black," they're referring to your attire - as in, wear only black clothes. Still, could someone get away with calling their party The All White Everything Super Bowl Party next year?
Oh, another thing, the party is also celebrating the birthday of Big Mike, ex-European basketball superstar. So it's got that going for it.
Denver Nuggets' Kenyon Martin Welcome 2 Dallas All-Star Celebrity Bash (Fri):
Enough with the Prince-esque usage of the numeral 2 instead of "to." It's not clever anymore; it only makes me think that you can't distinguish between "to," "too," and "two." With special guests like Acie Law, Play-N-Skillz and Aija Nicole, how could you pass this one up?
Tickets: $75 - $3000.
There are a shitload more, but I had to include my two favorites before passing out:
The All-Star Tip Off Hosted by Dallas Mavericks Roddy Beaubois & His NBA Friends (Weds):
They actually had to include the words "Dallas Mavericks" in the title as no one outside of Dallas knows who Beaubois is. I've looked and looked and I can't find out who Beaubois' NBA friends are.
Tickets: $20. Or successfully identify Guadeloupe on a map.
And at #1 on our countdown....
Nightlegends.com and Play-N-Skillz Latin All-Star Explosion, with Special Guest J.J. Barea (Fri.):
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Well, if one foreign Mavericks back-up point guard can host a part, why not both?
Tickets: $25.
I've heard that many of the high-end auto dealerships are booming as the high rollers that are descending on Dallas for the game are renting all the Benzes, Beemers and Ginis that they can find. Hey, you can even gt a Lamborghini Murcielago for only $3000 a day!
It's hard out there for a pimp.
*Two Spinal Tap references in a column about the NBA All-Star games? That has to be a record.
1 comments:
Huzzah!
So, which one is Obama going to?
Post a Comment