Happy Exploding Shit And Alcohol Night, Bitches!

Terrorists heads explode in a reign of fire when they realize that these colors don't run.

An odd coincidence: Exploding Shit And Alcohol Night falls on Necro-Bestial Butt Sex Day! What are the odds? Make sure to enjoy! And, really, how could you not?

Happy New Year to all you real Umurikins out there, from us at T!!!.

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I Use 57 Swear Words In A Post About Mike Vick Winning A Courage Award

Who was dumb enough to give Michael Vick an award for anything, let alone courage? The Philadelphia Eagles, apparently. Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, which is named in honor of a man who spent his life fighting for abused kids.

It took a mind-bobbling amount of ego and a Sarah Palin-esque lack of self awareness to accept this award, but Vick went further. He had the nerve, the gall, the chutzpah to spew his sob story to the press (which I will quote in its entirety because I can't fucking believe it):

I've had to overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can bear. Take a look at what I've been through. You ask certain people to walk in my shoes, they probably couldn't do it -- probably 95 percent of the people in this world. Because nobody had to endure what I've been through -- situations I've been put in, situations I've placed myself in, decisions that I've made -- whether they were good or bad. There are always consequences behind certain things and there are repercussions behind them, too. Then you have to wake up every day and face the world, whether they perceive you in the right perspective or it's a totally different outlook on you.

Yes, Vick has overcome a lot. I mean, its not like people have been licking his ball sack every fucking day since high school because he could throw a football a long way. Its not like he got a free ride in college, free tuition, free grades, and free hand-jobs, and its not like he was handed more money than most rich people will ever see in their lifetime upon graduation.

Oh wait. All those things are true? Then what the fuck is he talking about? But wait, there's more. This from Eagles Head Coach/Cheeseburger Vacuum Andy Reid (quote from the same article linked above):

I'm not sure you can explain it, unless you've kind of gone through it here with him. Everybody is going to have their opinion on it I'm sure. Until you've been with him for the hours that his teammates have been with him and seen him through all these different things that he's had to go through, that time-tested part of it, you can't appreciate it. I don't expect everybody to understand it.

No, we the unwashed masses wouldn't understand because we haven't seen the pain, the anguish, the pure unadulterated sadness that comes over Vick's face when he comes out to his car and someone has put an "I'd Rather Be Murdering Puppies" bumper sticker on it. Oh, why won't people just move on? It's not like he was responsible for murdering hundreds and hundreds of dogs for fun and profit... oh, wait again!

Reid needs to beaten about the face, head, neck, chest, and testicles with the world's smallest violin. The Redskins are retarded, but this is just sick.

And so, [...drum roll...] it is in that spirit of sickness that I propose The Michael Vick Courage Award! The Michael Vick Courage Award will be presented to the individual who manages, against all odds, to go six whole months without shoving a plugged-in toaster up their asshole, then standing up in front of a crowd to proclaim how awesome they are because they haven't shoved a plugged-in toaster up their asshole for a whole six months.

The very first Michael Vick Courage Award should go to...

well, it should go to Michael Vick, but dumbass just disqualified himself.
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Dear Wenus-Breath

Dear Wenus-Breath,

How is your butt? How about that salt 'n pepper hair? Those rugged, I've-just-been-over-here-knock'n-some-trees-down-with-this-here-axe/my-face-has-been-sat-upon-by-four-too-many-defensive-tackles looks? How's things looking with your Vikings, eh? I heard not too good. First there's that whole got-yr-ass-kicked-by-the-Carolina-Panthers thing. Yeah, that has to hurt. I mean, they suck. And they just crushed you. Crushed. You know their quarterback, Matt Moore? I'm pretty sure he tried to sell me a Saturn last Thursday.

Then there was that whole "WAH WAH WAH I DON'T WANNA LEAVE THE GAME!!" hissy fit you threw at Head Coach/Chief Mustache Model Brad Childress. That was classy. But hey, you got your way, right? I'm pretty sure the score was 7-6, Vikings when you got all that sand up your cooch. So how'd it turn out. 26-7, Panthers, huh? So, I guess your pissy-pants act didn't really help the team much. Nope, instead your 50 year old ass got twelve hits closer to incontinence. Its OK though, I hear they have NFL logo colostomy bags now, so there's something to get psyched over.

But back to your ego fit. You know you're like a billion light years old, right? Do you not realize that the Vikings are a pulled groin (your own) away from going to the playoffs with Tavaras Jackson at quarterback? That's Tavaras Jackson. He's the sixth Jackson. The one who got beat out by Tito for the last spot in the Jackson Five. And he's gonna be your starting quarterback in the first playoff game after you rip out your cock by waiving it around too much. So, lets see, should we sit our Sanskrit tattooed ass on the bench for two quarters against Carolina, or should we risk fucking the entire season in the asshole with a dismembered goat penis?

While you're pondering that one, I've got another one for you: The Packers are coming for you, you O-L-D-E fuck. You think the football gods are going to let you get away with jumping ship to your biggest rival just because your panties are in a bunch? Never. The football gods will smite your filthy pooper with the anger of a thousand drunken Browns fans wearing contact lenses with pictures of Art Model on them. So you have that going for you. Which is nice.

Eat me,

mattymatty
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One Period Is All Ovechkin, Caps Need

Its pretty impressive when a team can beat another team by playing hard for only a third of the game, but that's what the Caps did to the Oilers in Edmonton last night. Its even more impressive when its the second game in two nights, and third of a west coast road trip.

After traveling 5,000 miles, and playing two games on enemy ice and with another cross country flight staring them in the face, you could forgive the Caps for letting down a little bit. You couldn't exactly call what the Caps did in the first two periods 'bad' hockey, but it wasn't inspired either.

The Caps went into the second intermission down 2-0 after yielding single goals in the first and second periods. The potential for a second consecutive loss was enough for coach Bruce Boudreau to read the team the riot act in the dressing room. From The Washington Post:

After watching the Edmonton Oilers hold his team scoreless through two periods, Washington Capitals Coach Bruce Boudreau resorted to his last option: He closed the door to the visitors' dressing room at Rexall Place and blasted his best players.

[ ...said Boudreau]"I tried to give it to [Ovechkin] and challenged him, I started him right off the bat. Instead of saying, 'Woe is me, why is the coach yelling at me?' he took up the challenge and said, 'I'll show you,' and went out there and got three points in the third and led us to a victory."

Whatever Boudreau said to Ovi seemed to do the trick. Two goals in six minutes later, both by Ovechkin, the game was tied. Two goals in the game's final six minutes put it away.

The Caps may not be the best team in the league or even in their own conference, but its nice to know that they can turn it on when challenged. In doing so they turned as tough a road trip as they'll have this year from a disappointment into a success through the strength of one period.
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Buh-Bye Vinny

Buh-bye now

Yesterday brought strange and exciting news to Redskins fans: Vinny Cerrato was out as GM of the Redskins, replaced with Bruce Allen, son of George, brother of Macaca. I'll pause to let that steep. Yes, Snyder did actually fire his "friend" and "trusted confidant", Vinny Cerrato, and replace him with an actual General Manager with, presumably, the ability to run an NFL franchise.

Holy shit.*

* That's the type of analysis you just can't find in the Washington Post.

Snyder has been the man in charge of the Redskins since he bought the team. Snyder has been the 'decider', the one choosing players in the draft and in free agency. Vinny Cerrato and his thin football resume have been the front organization giving Snyder cover while he picks the coaches and assistants, often out of order.

Yet there is nothing in Daniel Snyder's background that qualifies him to run a football team. He is qualified to run the Redskins in the same way I'm qualified to run IBM: I've read about it. The difference between us is a couple billion dollars. That's it. The result of Snyder's rein has been predictable: years and years of losing despite repeatedly having the biggest payroll in football (salary cap, schmalry schmap).

I won't rehash the Redskins record in the last ten years under Snyder, but despite employing some very good coaches (Joe Gibbs, Marty Schottenheimer, Norv Turner...?) and paying out the nose for big name players, the Skins have lost more than they've won.

Now Vinny Cerrato is fired (and just when I learned how to spell his name properly). This means that one of two things. One: Snyder is ditching the front and is going to run the organization all by himself, just like a big boy. Two: Snyder is going to hire someone else who is *shudder* qualified to run the organization.

It seems the Owner has chosen option two. Well, paint my penis blue and call it "Harold", I'm shocked.

Bruce Allen isn't the most inspiring choice to run the Redskins and he wouldn't be my pick, but there is no way that he isn't better than Dan Snyder with Vinny the Toady. Allen is a big enough name in football, he has run two teams recently enough, that he doesn't need to take jobs from the Raiders (already done that) or Cowboys or Redskins unless he's going to be able to, in the words of the Fat Tuna, pick the groceries.

Allen is going to run the show, or he's going to leave and get job with an organization that will let him. Simple as that, and its what makes this hiring so great. It signals Snyder has finally concluded what he and Vinny have been doing wasn't going to work. That's a realization that I assumed would never come.

Lots of people don't like Daniel Snyder and most of them are Redskins fans, but the truth is Snyder isn't very far away from being a good owner. Sure he's kind of an egotistical jerk, but he spends money on the Redskins because he genuinely wants to win. Owners who reinvest in the team are perpetually one smart GM away from a winning organization. While I won't call Allen a smart GM, his record says he's not a dumb GM. However, he is a real GM and that's a huge step towards winning for the dysfunctional Redskins.
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The Boston Red Sox: Next Year's 2009 Mariners?

The book Moneyball is often said to be about the virtues of on-base percentage. It isn't. The book is about understanding markets enough to be able to pay less for value. Its about finding value in different places, places where the rest of the market hasn't looked. The Oakland A's, in Moneyball, found value in on-base percentage because that's what the market had undervalued.

On-base percentage is no longer undervalued as a singular skill. So what is the next on-base percentage? What is the next frontier in baseball that smart teams can exploit? If Moneyball were being written today, Michael Lewis would be writing about defense, and instead of focusing on the Oakland A's and GM Billy Beane, the book would focus on the Seattle Mariners and GM Jack Zduriencik.

Last year, Zduriencik's first on the job, the Seattle Mariners finished 85-77. The previous year they had finished 61-101. In 2009 they won 24 more games than in 2008. How'd they do it? By signing a big money starting pitcher? Nope. Making a huge trade for a slugger? No, not that either. They did it with defense.

In 2009 the Mariners were the best fielding team in baseball. They posted a collective UZR of 85.5. The 2008 Mariners were one of the worst fielding teams in baseball. They posted a collective UZR of -20.9.

*UZR is a measurement of how many runs a team saves in the field. Ten runs typically equates to a win. If you are interested in the specifics you can read this and this. Its a little dry, but you'll feel smarter when you finish.

Without getting into all the specific roster machinations, the Mariners went from losing two wins in the field in '08 to gaining 8.5 in '09, a ten win swing, and they did it even though they dropped payroll by $17 million.

That's value. Pay less money, improve on the field. That's what the A's did in the early part of the decade, chronicled in Moneyball.

Which brings us to the happenings of yesterday. The Red Sox opted not to resign left fielder Jason Bay, and instead signed Mike Cameron. Cameron is one of the better fielding outfielders in baseball. Bay is one of the worst. Last year Bay's UZR was -13. Cameron's was +10.

Signing Cameron follows on the heals of the Sox signing Marco Scutaro to be their everyday shortstop, and trading Mike Lowell (a move which is in limbo at the moment due to a thumb injury) with the likely intent of signing Adrian Beltre. All of those players, Scutaro, Cameron, and Beltre are plus defenders in just about every defensive metric, and each would be replacing a player that was a defensive negative last season.

The Red Sox are improving their defense. They're not doing it as cheaply as the Mariners did - they are after all, the Red Sox - but they are doing it just the same. Cameron was signed to a two year, $15 million deal, or four years and $50 million less than the commitment Bay wanted. The expectation is that Cameron will provide similar overall value over the next two years compared to Bay.

Last year the Mariners were the best fielding team in baseball. The Red Sox were among the worst. Next year, the Red Sox hope to emulate them.
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Holy Shit, Parts I & II

Holy Shit, Part I: Red Sox Prefer Swirling Vortex of Diarrhea in Clubhouse, Sign John Lackey

In a move that is part 'improve the 2010 rotation' and part 'Josh Beckett Might Leave/2008 Clay Buchholz Might Show Up/Daisuke Matsuzaka Might Show Up To Spring Training Looking Like El Guapo', the Red Sox have apparently bestowed a 5 year, $85 million deal on the Swirling Vortex Of Diarrhea himself, John Lackey.

But that pales in comparison to...

Holy Shit, Part II: Phillies Trade World Series Hero Cliff Lee for Cy Young Winner Roy Halladay

Wow... Just wow. Halladay is an incredible pitcher, so its hard to knock this deal. Especially since the particulars haven't even come out yet.

More to come...
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What In The Living Hell Should Be Done With The Redskins?

Image taken from the Washington Post

[Warning: This post contains no poop jokes. It is a serious contemplation on the state of the Washington Redskins. I apologize in advance.]

On November 8th the Redskins were dead in the water. Despite possibly the easiest opening to any schedule ever devised by the NFL, they'd lost four in a row by increasingly lopsided scores and had fallen to 2-6. They'd been outscored on the season 154-113, and the schedule was about to get hard. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that the Skins were done. Their head coach/offensive coordinator/QB coach was going to be fired, possibly before the season ended, and ownership was going to go in a 'new direction', the seventy-eighth new direction that ownership had gone in the eleven years since Dan Snyder bought the team.

Then a funny thing happened on the way to the slaughterhouse. The Redskins won a game against a good Denver team. Then they went to Dallas and out-played the 6-3 Cowboys, losing only after their field goal kicker missed a make-able kick which would have sealed the game. Then they fought the Eagles hard in Philadelphia, holding a lead almost the whole game before giving up two long drives at the end to lose by a field goal. Then they took the undefeated Saints to overtime. They should have beat them but field goal kicker missed two make-able kicks, including one from extra point range.

In three games against playoff caliber teams, two on the road, the Skins were outscored by a total of 7 points. Then yesterday, the Skins went into Oakland and destroyed the Raiders, 34-13.

After being outscored in the first eight games by 41 points, the Skins outscored their (much better) opponents in the next five games by 24. In the last three games the Redskins have scored 91 points, a 30 point per game average. In the previous 8 games the Redskins averaged 18 points per game.

They've done this after losing four starting offensive lineman, two starting running backs, and their pro bowl tight end, all for the year. Their starting running back is off the practice squad and their two big off season acquisitions, the $100 million defensive tackle and the $40 million corner back, have both missed the last three games.

True, all teams have injuries, and beating a crappy Oakland team with Failed Quarterback Jamarcus Russell (we can call him that now, right?) at the helm doesn't exactly mean you're destined for greatness. But the Redskins don't need greatness. They just need direction. So the question becomes, does all of the above prove that Jim Zorn is the right man to lead the Redskins next season? Has Jason Campbell finally mastered Zorn's west coast offense? With some off season shoring up of the offensive line, can this team make a run next season?

Here is the answer: I have no idea. But it speaks highly of Zorn that despite being unquestionably out of the playoff chase, the Redskins haven't quit on him. They've fought hard each week, usually against better stronger opponents.

The answer may lie in Redskins remaining schedule, which is one that would likely put them out of the playoff chase if they were in it. They play the Giants and Cowboys at home, and then travel to San Diego for the final game of the season. The Chargers may be taking the day off by the time the Redskins come to town, but the Cowboys and Giants are one and two games respectively behind the Eagles for the NFC East division lead. As it stands now, both teams are on the playoff bubble (the Cowboys are in by the skin of their teeth, and the Giants are out by the same distance).

The Cowboys and Giants will be fighting for their playoff lives, but the Redskins may have more at stake than that. Will Zorn and Campbell be back next season or will Snyder blow the whole thing up and start over, yet again? The direction of the entire franchise hangs in the balance.
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Guilted into Touchdown Jesus's Dangling Doo-Dads: Brian Kelly Gets Tha Nutz

The other day I was talking to a fellow East Coast Catholic about the Notre Dame coaching situation and I said, "Catholic guilt is the only way they're gonna be able to con anyone into coaching that team." I was thinking, of course, of University of Cincinnati's Brian Kelly, a Boston Irish Catholic who'd interviewed for the job a day or two earlier.

It's a loser's errand, coaching Notre Dame. The university doesn't accept semi-literate juco transfers. They stay on their players to attend classes and actually graduate. And in refusing to join a conference, they don't schedule four regional patsies every year for guaranteed wins at home in front of the boosters in their luxury suites.

But yet their well-heeled legion of boosters expect the Fighting Irish to compete for a national championship every year, seemingly for no other reason than because they're the Fighting Irish. Maybe it worked that way 20, 30, 50 years ago, when there were far fewer weaklings in Division I, but it sure as shit doesn't work in the BCS era.

So apparently out of some sense of religious duty, Kelly abandoned the overachieving mid-major he'd led into a BCS bowl and took the Notre Dame job a month before his old team's bowl game. Catholics may strive to be upright and serve the Lord, but it's preordained they are sinners -- we share responsibility for Jesus Christ's earthly demise. It is likewise preordained that Kelly will never reach the expectations Notre Dame's boosters have for him.

Some of us go to confession every Saturday, some of us take the Notre Dame job. We're all screwed either way.

Notre Dame is a great school and -- gasp! -- a great football program. If I had a son who had the opportunity to play college ball in South Bend, I'd send him there in an instant -- he'd get a excellent education, train in state-of-the-art facilities, get outstanding coaching, and refine his game playing against the highest level of competition of any major college program. But before he walked out the front door, he'd know well that he'd not be winning any national championships there.

Recruits of the recently deposed Charlie Weis often stated they chose Notre Dame because it would provide them the best preparation for the NFL, not necessarily to win a BCS Championship. Obviously the jury is still out on that NFL preparedness issue, but what's the problem with being a de facto NFL Preparatory Academy? The boosters' expectations need to be brought into line.

To quote my hero, George Carlin: "To people who say, 'my needs aren't being met,' I say, 'drop some of your needs.'"

You can't maintain high admissions standards, graduate 95% of your players, play a nationwide nonconference schedule that includes no weaklings other than a military academy or two (and Navy ain't always a weakling), and compete for a BCS Championship. It's not possible. Drop some of your needs.

If ND isn't going to allow some "football factory" tactics to creep into their holy football program, they should at least join a conference and schedule a few weaklings while still graduating 95% of their players, like Penn State. Or strive for being the Stanford of the Midwest -- great school, competitive program.

Alas, none of this explains why Brian Kelly gets Tha Nutz. Catholic guilt and dangling doo-dads upon the chin all at once? Rest assured, not lightly do we take the decision to administer Tha Nutz.

It's been a great year for college football for fans like me who prefer sports to be more meritocracy than free market -- a heretofore unimaginable three of the six BCS bowl teams are not football factories, but smaller schools without huge advantages in talent and resources. The NCAA predictably didn't split them up into three David-vs.-Goliath matchups, but canceled out Boise State vs. TCU so either team could win a BCS bowl and still be callously dismissed with a "who've you beaten?" That left Kelly's Cincinnati Bearcats, the highest ranked of the three smaller BCS bowlers, to face football factory Florida -- and the impossibly venerated boy savior Tim Tebow -- in the Sugar Bowl.

During last year's BCS Championship game, we all tried not to puke in our salsa as the execrable Thom Brennaman heaped otherworldly praise on Tebow, at one point saying something like, "spend 10 minutes with this young man, and your life will be changed forever." Tebow was made out to be some combination of Derek Jeter and Jesus Christ his-own-damn-self.

(And why, by the way, was there so much praise for Tebow as something other than an outstanding football player? Because of his work with his family's ministry -- a radical right-wing, anti-gay evangelical sect that preaches the only way to avoid eternal damnation is to pummel others with your religious beliefs. Count me among those who find very little virtue in this.)

Well, thanks to Kelly pulling the ripcord on his bowl-bound program to fulfill his religious obligation at Notre Dame, get ready for another episode of Praise Be To Tim Tebow. I'm already rolling my eyes. Already several prominent Cincinnati players have acknowledged feeling abandoned and disrespected by their now-former coach, essentially acknowledging a massive distraction that, shall we say, augurs extremely poorly for their chances of defeating Tebow and his disciples in the Sugar Bowl.

Brian Kelly, you had a rare opportunity to not only save us from Tim Tebow and the vortex of bullshit that swirls in the wake of His holy ass, but strike a blow against the football-factory dominance of the BCS -- or, in effect, to strike down Goliath with your slingshot -- but you skipped town at the worst possible time to accept an impossible task in South Bend.

And for that, Tha Nutz be upon you.

Grading The Fantasy Football Draft: The Foot(balls) League

As I've come to discover, one of the most fun things about fantasy football is shit talking. Any activity that provides an excuse to call a friend an anus-licking douchebag is OK in my book.

To that end, BMFS and I are in a fantasy football league with my friend from grad school, Jon. Jon runs the league and occasionally posts amusing write-ups on the league website. After the league draft in August, Jon looked at the ESPN projections for our teams (its a ESPN league) and made some comments about the teams that everyone in the league drafted.

Here's what he said:

Landing Strips (BMFS)
Strength: awesome QB, WRs, and TE
Weakness: terrible RBs. I’m sure you would disagree with this, but I wouldn’t be surprised none of your RBs (Thomas, McFadden, Benson, and Lewis) finish in the top 20 backs for total points.
ESPN projected points (starters only): 1501

Rochester New Yorkers (Jon)
Strength: decent depth at RB, WR
Weakness: terrible tight ends, weak quarterbacks
ESPN projected points (starters only): 1425

Gashouse Gorillas (Me)
Strength: well-rounded team with a good bench.
Weakness: only has a couple of players who are locks to tear it up this year. RB situation could be grim if Jacobs, Jones, and Stewart don’t consistently put up points.
ESPN projected points (starters only): 1410

Not wanting to be the low man on the totem pole, I looked at different projections to determine who had the best draft. I used The Football Outsiders Almanac. You can read that post here, which lists our exact rosters, if you're curious about that sort of thing. According to Football Outsiders, the Gashouse Gorillas (which, I've come to learn, should've been the "Gas House Gorillas") projected to score the most points. Here's how it broke down:

1. Gashouse Gorillas: 2553
2. Lakewood Landing Strips (BMFS): 2437
3. I Enjoy The Occasional Penis* (Jon): 2315

* Not the actual name, but Jon keeps changing his team's name, so dats wha imo do too.

The Gorillas projected to score 116 more points than the Landing Strips and 239 more than I Prefer Hairy Male Butts* (Jon). Jon gently pointed out in the comments section that the starters are the only points that, you know, count, and asked for the totals for starters only. The order was the same:

1. Gorillas: 1586
2. Landing Strips: 1523
3. Gay Horsefuckers*: 1355

So by ESPN's projections, BMFS drafted best the starters, and I drafted the worst. By Football Outsiders projections, I drafted the best full team and the best starters, and Jon drafted the worst. But none of that matters because its all just pre-season, bitches.

Now is the post-season. Meaning: after thirteen weeks of moist fantasy goodness, the results are in. We can actually go back and grade the fantasy football draft! [jizzes into cup] After some exceedingly dorky spreadsheet work, I managed to calculate the total points scored for all the players we drafted. This includes starters and bench players:

1. Lakewood Landing Strips (BMFS): 1587 points
2. Gashouse Gorillas: 1496 points
3. Nothing Like A Pair Of Testicles In The Morning* (Jon): 1454 points

BMFS outscored me by 91 and Jon by a whopping 133. Based only on the teams we drafted BMFS wins in a land(ing strip) slide. Point BMFS.

Credit to BMFS for putting together the best draft, but the actual draft was, well... imagine a bunch of infants in a room full of toys. Each thinks they know exactly what they want, but really, nobody has any idea what the fuck they're doing. Then someone shits their pants. That's the draft.

Some further points about our drafts:

* The best pick for any of us in terms of value late in the draft was my choice of Brett Favre in the 13th round. Favre, who I chose to be my backup, totaled 213 points this season, 5th best of all quarterbacks. My starter, Phillip Rivers, scored 179, 7th best, and 34 less than Favre, who I picked nine rounds later.

To further beat this into the dirt, BMFS used his first pick in the draft, the fourth overall pick, on Tom Brady. Brady scored 215 points on the season, or 2 more than Favre who went 125 picks and 12 rounds later. That's some damn fine prospect'n by me. Oh, and one more thing: I cut Favre after Week 1.

* BMFS's best pick was Cedric Benson in the 7th round. Benson, whom Jon claimed wouldn't finish in the top 20 of fantasy RBs, finished 12th best. He scored 135 points, meaning (with 10 teams in the league) he was the second best RB2 in the league. Not bad for a 7th round pick.

* Jon's best pick was either Joseph Addai in the fifth round, or Rashard Mendenhall in the tenth round. Addai was the 8th most productive running back at 156 points this season, while Mendenhall was the 14th at 125 points.

Actually, Mendenhall was better because he didn't start until Week 4, meaning he actually averaged more points per game than Addai (13.4 to 13.1). Of course, Jon dropped him after Week 1. You could've made a hell of a team out of players Jon and I dropped after Week 1.

* In the last five rounds of the draft, four of my five picks scored over 100 points on the season. That's damn impressive drafting there. By comparison, BMFS drafted two 100 pointers in that time and Jon didn't draft a single one. So I'm a genius, right? Well, first guess how many of the 100 pointers I kept on my roster. (Hint: one. Double turds.)

* * *

While we all made good picks, we all made lousy ones too. Injuries played a part in most of those picks becoming bad. For example:

* I used my 8th round pick on Anthony Gonzalez, who I thought was primed for a breakout year as the second wide receiver on Peyton Manning's Colts. Nope. Gonzalez got hurt before the year started and still hasn't played a snap. For the 72nd pick overall, I got a big fat zero points on the year. Donald Driver (15th best WR; 118 points) and Santonio Holmes (18th best; 111 points), both available at the time, would have been better picks. Gonzalez didn't have a history of injury, so you could say that's just tough luck.

* You can't say tough luck for Jon's second round pick, Brian Westbrook. Westbrook has been in and out of the lineup for years, and this year was the same only worse. Westbrook scored 45 total points this season, making him the 56th ranked running back. Based on that, he probably shouldn't be on a fantasy football roster and Jon took him with the 18th overall pick. Doh. Peyton Manning (3rd best QB; 220 points) was the next player chosen.

* BMFS isn't immune to this either. He used his fifth rounder, the 48th overall, to draft Darren McFadden. McFadden is a talented runner, but behind the Raiders offensive line there was reason to wonder if he would be very successful this season. He wasn't, and on top of that he's been hurt. McFadden is the 65th ranked running back having scored 31 total points.

Having said that, it's hard to fault BMFS too much for choosing McFadden. He needed a starting RB, and looking back at the draft, there wasn't much available at the time. The only known #1 RB that he could've picked in that slot was Cedric Benson, but he picked him two rounds later. As far as better players available, BMFS could have taken Vincent Jackson (10th best WR; 125 points) even though he really didn't need a WR or Ray Rice (4th best RB; 173 points) who was taken a round later. Of course he should've taken Rice, but at the time Rice was thought to be sharing carries with Willis McGahee and LaRon McClain.

* * *

Overall, our drafts were mixed bags. BMFS did a great job at the top of the draft, picking four straight 120+ point players, three of which ended up in the top ten at their positions. In contrast, Jon drafted three players in his entire draft who ended up in the top ten at their positions. I drafted six players who finished in the top ten scorers at their positions, but only held on to one of them throughout the season.

BMFS had the best draft, choosing players who would start for him all year in six of his first seven picks. He picked the 4th best QB, the 5th, 9th, and 15th best WRs, the 12th and 17th best RBs, and the 11th and 9th best TEs. That's a very good draft. A couple waiver wire pickups and some match ups with kickers and defenses and you're in the playoffs.

In contrast, its hard to call my draft successful. My first three picks were awful, netting what turned out to be the 20th and 29th ranked RBs, and the 39th ranked WR. It was hard to make up for those picks later in the draft and frankly I didn't. I did grab Owen Daniels and Vincent Jackson in the 6th and 7th rounds. Despite getting hurt and missing the last five weeks of the fantasy season, Daniels finished as the 8th best TE, and Jackson, was on fire in the first nine weeks, helped me start 6-3. Other than that, most of my success came through waiver wire pickups, and a few trades.

While BMFS's draft was good and mine was not, Jon's draft was more of a mixed bag. He ended up drafting more top-20-at-their-position players than I did, and looking back at his draft, it seems that, while not spectacular, he did set himself up to have a strong team. His mistakes came after the draft, sticking with certain players too long, and cutting other ones before they had a chance to pay dividends.

By this point you may be wondering, OK draft-schmaft, who the hell won? The playoffs aren't over, but the Gorillas (8-5) finished second in the league while the Landing Strips (7-5-1) beat out I'MGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY!!* (7-6) for the last slot in the playoffs.

The cumulative point totals for our starting lineups are as follows:

1. Gashouse Gorillas: 1219 points, 3rd most in the league
2. Lakewood Landing Strips (BMFS): 1186 points, 5th most in the league
3. Christmas Means Multi-Pronged Dildo Time!* (Jon): 1121 points, 8th most in the league

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed putting it together, but I doubt it.
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Its December 8th, Do You Know Who Is In First?

Picture taken from washingtonpost.com

Anyone not obsessed with hockey probably doesn't pay much attention to the NHL standings around Thanksgiving. Its probably not even prudent to do it until close to President's Day, but earlier than Christmas is likely a complete waste of your time.

So, here is a complete waste of your time.

Anyone know who the team with the best record in hockey is? I'll give you three guesses.

The Blackhawks?

Nope. 39 points in 28 games played, and third place in the Western Conference.

The Penguins?

Nope. 41 points in 31 games played, fourth place in the Eastern Conference. Last guess...

Eat a bag of dicks.

Nope, sorry, that's wrong too.

The answer is... well, if you noticed the picture above you might have figured it out. That's 'might' in the Jeff Foxworthy "If you put your penis [pause] into your sister's vagina, [...pause...] you 'might' be a redneck' sense.

That's right, its YOUR Washington Capitals. First place in the Southeast Division, first place in the Eastern Conference, and first place in the NH-F'n-L,by one point over the San Jose Sharks. (The Caps also have a game in hand.)

That's some shit right there. I'd point out that the Caps have scored more goals than any other team in the NHL as well (111), but that would just be piling on.

Oops.
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Carsillo Goons It Up, Gets Thrown Out For Case Of Tastykakes

Image taken from the Washingtonpost.com's gamestory

I'm 34 years old. I've been attending hockey games since the early '80s when my dad would take me to old Caps Centre to see the helmetless Rod Langway receive yet another crater on the lunar surface he called a head. So I've been to a fair number of games in my life. But I've never seen anything like the goonery by Flyer Dan Carcillo last night, nor have I seen in person such an extensive penalty list resulting from a single action.

For cross-checking Matt Bradley, shoving him, grabbing him, then throwing down his gloves and punching him in the face Carcillo received 2 minutes for cross-checking, two minutes for instigation, five for fighting, a ten minute misconduct penalty, and a game misconduct. Add it all up and the Flyers were down a man for 9 minutes. The Caps took advantage, scoring three times to turn a 1-1 contest into a 4-1 route which became an 8-2 blowout.

Here's video of the infractions.



You can see very well what happened at the end of the video. The hit by Bradley was clean, but Carcillo took exception anyway. It looked like Bradley wasn't sure whether he was going to fight or not and his hesitation should have tipped off Carcillo, but it didn't. The end result was essentially someone grabbing someone else and punching them, and it was penalized correctly as such.

The shame of it is that Carcillo's goonery destroyed what was shaping up to be a very competitive game. After 9 minutes on the penalty kill, the Flyers' chances of winning were gone. Games between these teams are often close, but take 9 minutes of potential attack time away from one team and give it all to the other team and a close game becomes a route quickly, which is exactly what happened last night.

Now that you've seen video and an account from someone who was actually there, take a look at the way the incident is being portrayed in the Washington and Philadelphia newspapers.

First, the Washington Post:

With the score tied 1-1 late in the first period, Bradley finished his check along the side boards on Carcillo, who took exception to the hit, which appeared to be clean. Carcillo cross-checked Bradley as the Capitals winger got back on feet, then dropped his gloves. Bradley was in the process of squaring up to Carcillo and dropping his gloves when the Flyers' leader in penalty minutes delivered a right jab to his jaw, dropping him to the ice and bloodying his nose. Bradley appeared to lose consciousness briefly and had to be helped off the ice. He did not return.

Now the Philadelphia Inquirer (emphasis theirs):

The firing of ex-Flyers coach John Stevens was supposed to be a wake-up call. Yet, it was the Capitals who were energized in the first period.

In fairness, referee Stephane Auger helped the Caps' cause with a questionable set of penalties on Dan Carcillo that gave Washington a nine-minute power play.

About 2½ minutes after Mika Pyorala tied the game, 1-1, by knocking in a fat first-period rebound - a goal that ended the Flyers' eight-period scoreless drought - Carcillo was hit by Matt Bradley's high stick near the sideboards.

Carcillo retaliated with a cross-check and dropped his gloves. Just as Bradley dropped his gloves, Carcillo decked the Caps' right winger with a right to the face.

As Carcillo threw the punch, Bradley appeared to throw off his right glove as if he wanted to fight.

Auger gave Carcillo two minutes for cross checking, two minutes for instigation, five minutes for fighting, a 10-minute misconduct and a game misconduct.

Bradley got zero minutes.

With writing like that its little wonder Flyers fans are always complaining about how the officials are out to get them. The referee "helped the Caps' cause with a questionable set of penalties"? What the fuck was questionable about those penalties? Seriously? The only questionable thing is the even-handedness of the writer. There was no high stick by Bradley. None. Its entirely a fictional creation of the writer.

Another point on this: Flyers fans were cheering Carcillo's actions. Why? I know half the crowd wants to see a fight, but any halfway intelligent hockey fan would know the result of Carcillo's actions was a long power play for the opposition and in this case a really long power play for the opposition. Carcillo basically grabbed a massive dildo and repeatedly jammed it into his teammates assholes for nine minutes for no good reason. Maybe if there was some good reason for doing what he did, it could somehow be justified. I doubt it, but I'm open to the idea at least. But there wasn't any.

As Tarik El-Bashir put it in today's Washington Post, "The Washington Capitals' biggest ally Saturday night wore orange and black." Damn right.

A couple quick notes from last night's game:

* In the second period a shot from a Flyers player hit the referee in the head. As the man was lying motionless on the ice the majority of the crowd stood and cheered. It was simply disgusting. At the time we did not know nor could we all see the extent of the injury, so the crowd could literally be cheering the man's death. Simply awful.

* There were far more Caps fans in attendance than I thought there would be, about as many as the number of Flyers fans I see when the two teams face off in DC. However, by the middle of the third period most of the fans in the stands were Caps fans.

* I've rooted for the away team in many different venues and I've seen the Caps play in New York (Madison Square Garden) and Boston, and each time I've worn my Caps sweater. I've always been respectful of other fans, polite when spoken to, and aware that this is not my home building. Yet never in my life, not even at Yankee Stadium wearing a Red Sox jersey, have I been treated so disrespectfully. I was called just about every name in the book and baited repeatedly by people who it seemed would be more than happy to forfeit viewing the rest of the game for the opportunity to punch me in the face.

Continuing that theme, some of the Flyers fans in my section spent the first period and a half threatening violence to neighboring Caps fans and repeating homophobic and anti-woman chants that were so over the top as to be unacceptable in any venue outside of prison. These fans were so angry and aggressive towards some Caps fans in the neighboring section that security came and physically removed them.

Somehow one of them got back to their seats towards the end of the third period and continued where he left off, taunting, name calling, and screaming that he would fight any of "them" right now. How he got back into the arena I have no idea, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that I did not feel safe.

I don't want to sound like a complainer. I have yelled at Yankees fans at Fenway Park, and I've been yelled at countless times by Yankee fans for wearing a Red Sox jersey, and by other opposing fans for wearing my Redskins and Capitals clothing. But I have never nor will I ever make comments about the private parts of someones mother upon first seeing them. Nor would I ever stride up to someone and call them every offensive name in the book while putting my face in their personal space.

I wouldn't call it a new low, but I'd call it about as low as I can imagine short of getting jumped after walking in the door. Its a shame that some of these people define themselves by their pro sports team to such an extent that the mere fact of showing up in an opponent's sweater is grounds for offensive dehumanizing treatment. Probably needless to say, I won't be going back to see the Flyers play for a long time.
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Get Up, Get Get Get Down...

You betta rekanize!

Hit me!

"Going, going, gone! Now I dialed 9-1-1 a long time ago -- Don't you see how late they reactin'? They only come, and they come when they wanna, so get the morgue, embalm the goner!"

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The Top Ten Goalie Masks of the Past Fifty Years

It's been half a century since the great Jacques Plante was the first goalie to don a protective mask in an NHL game.* He did so against the wishes of his Montreal Canadiens coach at the time, Toe Blake, and contrary to many around the league who questioned his toughness. Stoopid freaking hoseurs.

Growing up, I was fascinated by the different mask designs in the NHL and would spend a lot of my free time doodling in class or at home - either copying designs I admired or designing my own. One design stood above all others. Whose mask was it, you ask? Well, since it is the 50th Anniversary of the Coolest Piece of Hockey Equipment Ever Invented, how about we celebrate the occasion with a Letterman-esque Top Ten?

Ladies and Gentlemen, (Ladies?) I give you the Snizza Top Ten Goalie Masks From The History of Ever:

10. Sean Burke's classic Hartford Whalers melon protector. Gotta give a nod to the Whale. Their uniforms are still the best in NHL history and I love what Burke did with the Killer Whale theme here.

9. Jean Sebastien Giguere. The Terminator Duck motif is especially relevant for Dallas Stars fans as Jiggy single-handedly wiped out the Stars in their 2003 playoff series on his way to becoming only the fifth player in NHL history to win the Conn Smythe Trophy as a member of the losing team in the finals. I just dig the angry Duck look.

8. Jamie McLennan. I gotta give mad props to any goalie that so magnificently professes his love for KISS. While his mask is bad ass, McLennan is best remembered for completely losing his mind in a playoff game in 2007 against the Detroit Red Wings when, a mere 18 seconds after replacing Mikka Kiprusoff (who had given up 5 goals), he brutally slashed Johan Franzen and was given a five game suspension for his barbaric act. Cool mask though.

7. Patrick Lalime. I love Looney Tunes. I love Marvin the Martian. By the way, he should have broke out the Uranium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator in this fight, this fight, and especially this brawl. Yard sale!**

6. Gilles Gratton. Gratton spent time as a Blue and a Ranger, but you would never know what team he played for from his mask design. It turns out that the design was a nod to his astrological sign of Leo. What a freak of the '70's.

5. Ed Belfour. This mask is held in the highest regard by Dallas Stars fans as it reminds us of the awesome Stars teams of the late '90s and the Stanley Cup of '99. Eddie the Eagle was other-worldly in the championship year and will always be a hero in Dallas, puke-stained FUBU shirt and all.

4. Steve Baker. Somehow, I totally remember this mask, even though Baker was a completely forgettable NHL player. A third-round pick by the Rangers in 1977, Baker only played in 57 career games and amassed a 20-20 record with a 3.2 GAA. I just love the simplistic, yet powerful design - almost superhero-esque.

3. Michel Dion. If you were an alien who landed on Earth and had no idea what hockey was and you saw this image you'd guess that this being was somehow penguin-related.*** Totally unique shape. If I had a replica of this, I'd be wearing it right now. With a chainsaw in my hand.

2. Gerry Cheevers. This position is mainly due to the street hockey games we would play for hours in the summer when we were twelve years old. Because it was so easy to mimic Cheevers' stitches motif - all you needed was a mask and a marker - every young goalie had a version of this Frankenstein visage.

1. Ken Dryden. This is not even close. When someone says “goalie mask” to me, the first image that flashes in my mind is the red, white and blue of the classic Dryden. Never even imitated, this is perfection in every way, and I hate the Canadiens. I must have drawn this mask 1000 times in my notebooks in elementary school – especially when they came out with those 4-color ball point pens. Awesome.

*Actually, it was a freaking woman goaltender from Queen's University, Elizabeth Graham, who first wore a mask in 1927, but obviously she didn't play in the NHL.

**Effing YouTube kept me up all night watching awesome clips like these.

***If you were an alien, you probably wouldn't know what a penguin was, but you know what I'm saying.

The Overly Ridiculous Machinations Of Fantasy Football

Ice Breakers: 128
Gorillas: 114

That is the ESPN projected score of the winner-goes-to-the-playoffs-loser-goes-home fantasy football game this weekend. Hello and welcome, I'm the losing team. Currently both teams help compose a logjam of 7-5 teams in the league, all running in second place behind the one 9-3 team.

With one week to go before the fantasy football playoffs being and three playoff slots available a loss would be devastating. The simplest way to look at the game is win and you're in, lose and you're out, and based the above projection, I'm on the low end of that projected totem pole.

Looking at the match up a bit more closely (but not too closely, this is a family blog) both teams project to have the advantage over the other in four of the nine slots, with the last being projected as a tie. While that sounds even, and actually it is, the difference in final score comes almost entirely from the flex spot where the Gorillas are starting Justin Forsett (RB, Seattle) and the Ice Breakers are starting DeAngelo Williams (RB, Carolina). Forsett is projected to score 13 fantasy points, while Williams is projected to score 25. No other player is projected to score over 18, so Williams' 25 is huge.

But, DeAngelo Williams and his 25 points are injured. He hurt his ankle in the last game and has yet to practice this week. If Williams can't play, which seems to be at least a possibility, those 25 points will disappear as he will have to be replaced by either of the two RBs on the Ice Breaker's bench, Willie Parker (2 projected points) or Cadillac Williams (13). If DeAngelo is replaced by Cadillac, that's 12 points of difference in the final score right there.

But, here's the thing: I have Jonathan Stewart. Stewart is DeAngelo Williams backup RB in Carolina. If Williams doesn't play, Stewart will, and Stewart is almost as good as Williams in a real sense, so it is quite likely he would approximate Williams fantasy scoring output for the day if given the chance. Thus, if DeAngelo Williams doesn't play, Jonathan Stewart will and those 25 points that are currently putting the Ice Breakers over the top in this game and into the playoffs would swing to the Gorillas.

Stewart would have to replace another starter on the Gorillas, but since no starting RB on the team is projected to score more than 13 points, finding a place for Stewart and his projected 25 wouldn't be a problem.

In that way the door to the fantasy football playoffs comes down to whether or not DeAngelo Williams ankle lets him play this weekend. If he goes, the 12 points difference go to the Ice Breakers, putting them over the top. If he can't, they go to the Gorillas, putting them (ME!) over the top, and into the playoffs, where I'll surely go on to win fame, fortune and much vagina.

Of course, this entire post, especially the vagina part, is predicated on the idea that ESPN's point projections are correct, when in fact they are a Sears Tower of steaming horseshit. Projecting fantasy points has the same level of certainty as projecting the president in 10 years (I say Sylvester Stallone). And that's assuming the people doing the projecting know what they're doing. When you're talking about projections from ESPN's wannabe-catch-phrase-tossing-anchor lackeys living in the WWL Fantasy Football Dungeon (now with chamber pots!), well, you can write them on a piece of toilet paper and wipe your ass with it for all the good they'll do.

Therefore, I project the Ice Breakers to win 153-34. Horse fuckers.
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The 2009 Dallas Stars - Maddeningly Consistent

CONSISTENT (adjective):

1. constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.

2. The 2009 Dallas Stars

The term most associated with this season’s Dallas Stars by fans and media alike is “inconsistent;” you can’t read or hear any analysis of the team without this label popping up almost immediately.

I’d like to argue that the Stars are perhaps the most consistent team in the National Hockey League this year. Put it this way, if you’re a gambler who likes to wager on hockey games – I’ve heard that such people do actually exist - is there an easier team to bet on these days than the Dallas Stars? All you need to do before placing your bet is take a look at how the Stars fared in their last game; they’re virtually guaranteed to do the opposite in their next contest. They have not had a single winning streak longer than two games, and they’ve only done that twice in the first 27 games. Luckily, they’ve never experienced a losing streak of more than two games either; it’s win one, lose one, win one, lose one.

Now that is some serious consistency.

The Stars tease the fans with scintillating and convincing wins in San Jose and Detroit, and they look like they could start building momentum, only to cancel out their stellar efforts the following nights with deflating losses to Columbus and Phoenix respectively. Equally confounding to Head Coach Marc Crawford has to be the subpar play at the American Airlines Center so far this year where the Stars’ six home victories is tied for the second-worst in the entire Western Conference, a fact that repeatedly has led to fans shaking their heads in frustration while leaving the AAC.

As Bill Parcells used to say, “You are what your record says you are.” As November’s schedule concluded, the Stars find themselves with an unimpressive 12-8-7 record for the season after going 6-5-2 for the month. When I look at these numbers, a different word jumps out at me to describe the team: average. By constantly alternating wins and losses, the team is spinning its wheels and not separating itself from the pack while looking to be on its way to a somewhat forgettable 2009-10 campaign.

If you want to really see how definitively average the Stars are, take a look at some of these numbers:

-For the season, the team has scored 80 goals, while surrendering 81 - almost perfectly even.

-With their goal differential being so slim, there is not a single Dallas Star in the top 50 in the NHL in plus/minus.

-Marty Turco’s goals against average of 2.52 ranks him 15^th in the league and his save percentage of .911 places him 18^th in the league, both very pedestrian numbers. Ironically, his save percentage this season is only one one-thousandth of a percentage point higher than - you guessed it - his career average. When you combine Turco and backup Alex Auld’s GAA, the Stars are number 16 in a 30-team league.

-The Stars power play is only clicking at a 20.3% clip for the season, a figure that places them 15^th.

With a resume like this, it shouldn’t come as any surprise at all that Dallas finds itself right in the middle of the pack in the Western Conference, tied for eighth and currently out of a playoff position. Their stunning level of consistently median play has placed them right where the stats suggest they should be.

ABOVE AVERAGE

While the team collectively continues to stumble through the season, two players in particular have shown themselves to be anything but mediocre: Stephane Robidas and Brad Richards.

The departure of longtime standout Sergei Zubov left the Stars with a gaping hole on the blue line, and thankfully for the team the 32-year-old Robidas has stepped up his game to a level that may find him on the Western Conference All-Star team this season, and potentially even earning him a spot on the 2010 Canadian Olympic team. He is currently leading NHL defensemen in power play goals with five, and is second amongst defensemen in total goals with seven after a red-hot November that saw him rack up the second-most points on the team – a feat quite uncommon for a back liner.

Richards has managed to avoid the nagging injuries that derailed his 2008-09 season and has resumed his position in the league as one of the top power play producers. As the quarterback on the top PP line, the Prince Edward Island native is currently tied for the top spot in the NHL in power play assists and seventh in the league in overall scoring; no other Star is even in the top 40.

Dispatch from Fail City

First, we apologize if you are viewing this page and seeing tweets at right other than our own. It's truly staggering, the inane things people fire out there. Here at T!!!, we bring tha quality on twitter. If we got nothing interesting to tweet, we don't even log on.
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The other night, after the New Jersey Nutz Nets lost their 17th consecutive game to start the season to tie the all-time record, I ran into Snizza at the local biergarten. "You know who the Nets play next?", he asked.

Of course. It's the Fail City Mavericks. They'd get a quick tune-up on Monday against the hopeless Sixers at home, then on Wednesday, they'd travel to the swamp, be handed a priceless Faberge egg to hold for three and a half hours, and be screamed at the entire time to make sure not to break it. Exceedingly easy task without the noise and attention.

"I'm not saying they're gonna lose that game," I said. "Just get your head around the idea."

After all, it's the NBA in Dallas -- "Where How in the jolly fuck did we lose that fucking game? Happens."

The Mavericks are in first place in their division at 13-5 despite injuries to Josh Howard (still out), Shawn Marion, and Erick Dampier.* But they're still not taken seriously in most quarters, and they're the object of what I see as a disproportionate amount of scorn around the league. And a lot of it stems from the roundly derided trade of Devin Harris and a bunch of spare parts and cash to New Jersey for Jason Kidd two seasons ago.

*Laugh it up, fucker. Half the teams in the Association would take him as their starting center in a heartbeat.

Last season, Harris lit up the Mavericks for 41 points and 13 assists in a game witnessed by a great deal of fans and media types thanks to the trade the previous season. The Mavs came off looking like stooges and Harris made the All-Star team.

Now the Kidd/Harris trade isn't mentioned much anymore because it's become clear it was at least fair, if not an outright win for the Mavericks. Although the Mavericks haven't come close to a championship with Kidd, the Nets missed the playoffs entirely last season and are on the brink of historic ineptitude this season, and Kidd has a big hand in keeping the Mavericks competitive enough that the 2010 first-round draft pick they'll have to send to Joisey to complete the deal won't be worth much.*

*In the NBA draft, usually only the first 10-12 picks are worth a darn; the rest are basically chattel. You may get lucky with a Howard or a Marion, but teams are almost always willing to dump lower picks -- the players you draft don't bring any more to the table than a low-salaried veteran who'll cost less.

On no level are the Nets a better team than the Mavericks, and frankly it's debatable whether Harris will be a better player than Kidd at any point before Kidd files his retirement papers -- and furthermore, it's extremely likely the two first-rounders the Mavs sent to Jersey won't produce a franchise centerpiece. However, it's a virtual certainty that a single loss in an 82-game season to the 0-17 Nets will bring out every knucklehead in the sports-blather realm to point at the Mavs and laugh.

The Mavericks are like an honors student who trips over the microphone cord and face-plants at graduation.*

*Plaschke paragraph!

And of course, if the Nets do beat the Mavs, it's likely that it'll be on Harris' back, representing the only personnel advantage the Nets have over the Mavs: Kidd can't keep up with quick, scoring point guards. It'll be too easy for the sports-blather realm to resist.

I hope you're already making peace with a potential loss tonight, Mavs fans. And a reprisal of the criticism, cheap-shots, and name-calling that cropped up when your team signed Dampier, when they got rooked out of a championship in '06, when they lost to an 8 seed in Oakland, when they gave up Harris for Kidd, when Mark Cuban got himself dragged into a public pissing match with Don Nelson, and on and on and on.

Update: Just more than a quarter into the game, the Mavs have turned the ball over seven times, thus making my Faberge egg analogy somewhat less ridiculous.

Update II: At the half, after catching fire in the second quarter, the Mavericks are shooting 80.6% from the floor, including seven three-pointers. They have scored 77 points IN THE FIRST HALF and lead 77-50. Whatever the opposite of choking is, that is what the Mavericks are doing. I should just delete this goddamn POOOAST!!!, but maybe it'll be useful as a sort of time capsule.

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Hot Stove Predictionating

It's that time of year again. The time of year everyone hates to love, but we do it anyway because, as the kids say, it's hella interesting. As the only major pro sport in this country that doesn't have a salary cap that we still give a shit about (sorry, Canadian Football League!), baseball's off season is a three month long 'who dunit?' of intrigue, anger, anal leakage, and most of all rumors. Of anal leakage. (And free agency.)

There are even multiple websites devoted to baseball rumors, like this one, and this one, and this one. Oh, and this one. Well, that last one is less a rumor site than the other three, but what ever.

Even the big corporate whores have also got into the act with their own little rumor sites off their main pages. The point of all this? Rumors are important and what amounts to guessing is now big business.

So, now it's T!!!'s time to get in on the act. I mean, besides the www.toooastwilleatyourassforbreakfast.com site from above. Here are some predictions as to where the big name free agents will end up. These predictions are based on meticulously picked boogers and lots and lots of prior coffee shits. Avoid at all costs.

Matt Holliday

Holliday was a crazy good MVP-ish player in Colorado, but his failure, relatively speaking (he had an on-base of .378 and slugged over .450 in a pitcher's park), in the AL with Oakland for half a season last year is giving some AL teams pause.

The fact is that Holliday is not the player that Mark Teixiera or CC Sabathia were, but he has a few things in his favor this off season that will combine to net him a big contract. His agent, the reviled Scott Boras is making noise about the hugeiocity of the contract that Holliday 'deserves.' Holliday is also the acknowledged best player available, and that combined with the fact that pretty much every big money team (Yankees, Cardinals, Red Sox, Angels, Mets, Mariners, etc.) is in on him will all drive his price up into the almost-Teixeira range.

While there is interest in Holliday from teams around the majors, it comes down to this: the Yankees have a need for outfielders. So, like last off season when they had a hole at first base and one at the top of their rotation, you can expect they'll get the best player on the market to fill that hole. When was the last time the Yankees lost out on the biggest free agent when they wanted him? Right. Never.

Prediction: New York Yankees; 7 years, $128 million

Jason Bay

Bay has reportedly already turned down a 4 year, $60 million deal from the Red Sox. He'll probably be the first domino to fall considering how long Scott Boras likes to string out the process for his clients. It's this fact that makes me think he won't be back in Boston. Bay's defense since his knee surgery a couple years ago has fallen off the deep end. He's a good fit for Boston because of the small left field at Fenway Park, but in a few years he'll be a good fit for the DH spot.

Still, he's the best pure hitter available and will garner a big offer because of it. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Angels, Mariners or Mets throw $100 million at him. And because he is now such a terrible fit for the NL, I'm fully expecting that some idiot throws $100 mill at him in a futile attempt to save their hide. Omar Minaya, do your worst!

Prediction: New York Mets, 5 years, $100 million

John "Swirling Vortex of Diarrhea" Lackey

Lackey is a very good, but not great starting pitcher. The Angels have made attempts to re-sign him, but for whatever reason he seems intent on moving on. Every team in the majors (just about) could use a solid #2 guy like Lackey, but the conversation changes when you bring up his age (31) and his injury history. He's thrown just over 300 innings the last two seasons, which isn't bad by any stretch, but for the kind of money and years that Lackey is looking for teams are going to want a 200 inning guy, and it isn't certain if Lackey is that guy anymore.

If he is on the mound he's a solidly above average starting pitcher though, so you know someone is going to show him the money. Strangely enough, he's been connected to the Red Sox and Yankees. Surprise!! The Yankees showed last off season that they aren't afraid to give big money and years to a starter with an injury history (tha'd be AJ Burnett and his 5 year, $80+ million contract), and they need him more than Boston does. With questions surrounding New York's rotation I'm willing to bet they see Lackey as an answer.

Prediction: New York Yankees, 5 years $81 million

Adrian Beltre

Beltre is probably undervalued in this market. His power was severely curtailed in the spacious confines of Safeco Field in Seattle and his defense is excellent assuming his injuries last season haven't killed his range. The concerns are his injuries may have killed his range and age. But age is always a concern. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the massive drop in power that Beltre experienced last year, but that is likely because of the injuries he suffered.

Coming off last season and four years in Seattle, Betre number are down mostly not of his own doing. He should be a relative bargain, and put into an environment like Citzens Bank Park in Philadelphia, he could do some serious damage.

Prediction: Philadelphia Phillies, 3 years, $29 million

Johnny Damon

Damon's four year contract with Satan is finally up, and he held up better than anyone had a right to expect. He's a pariah in Boston now, but he's got an extra $12 million for his troubles, which isn't anything to sneeze at. And, surprise surprise, he's talking about staying in New York. He's still a good fit for the Yankees in left field at a one year deal with an option, but he may command more than that on the market.

Considering he's already left Boston for New York and Scott Boras is his agent, don't expect any below market contracts for Mr. Damon. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if Damon hangs in New York for another couple years.

Prediction: New York Yankees, 2 years, $22 million with a team option for $12m

We'll surely revisit these later to laugh at how horridly wrong they were.
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Ovechkin Needs To Tone It The F Down

Photo taken from The Washington Post's website

There are a million reasons to love Alex Ovechkin. He scores some of the most breath stealing goals in hockey, making even The Great One stare in awe at a replay because even he couldn't believe what just happened. Ovechkin combines scoring with some of the most crushing hits in the NHL. He busts his ass every night and doesn't take a shift or a play off. But if he's going to continue to thrive in the NHL, he's going to have to learn some survival skills.

Fans love the big hit, or the diving catch. They love to watch players sacrifice their bodies to make a play. But players need to understand context. Last night's knee on knee collision with Carolina's Tim Gleason was dangerous, but most importantly it was unnecessary. This was a game in November against the team with the worst record in the NHL.

A while back I went on and on about why it was a bad idea for the NHL players to participate in the upcoming Olympic games. The gist of it was these players job is to play for the NHL. That's who pays them gobs of money, that's who takes care of them, and that's where their allegiance should be.

On a micro scale, the same is true of Ovechkin. Because he's so good, and because he's paid so much, it becomes incumbent on him to play smart and stay healthy. If the Caps lost Ovechkin for a few months, they could be in danger of missing the playoffs. If the Caps lost Ovechkin for the playoffs, their entire season would be up in smoke.

Ovechkin doesn't need to worry about impressing his coaches or making the team. His job is to score lots of goals, and occasionally to make the big hit, but he has to understand that both of those can't be accomplished on crutches or from a doctor's office.

***UPDATE: In less concise but better constructed prose, Thomas Boswell makes the same point in Wednesday's Washington Post.***

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