The Sports Guy Pisses Me Off

I should love Bill Simmons. He's a Red Sox fan. I'm a Red Sox fan. He's from Boston. I love Boston. He's a blogger. I'm a blogger. But I don't. Never have either. The only time I've ever read him with regularity is during the RedSox run in 2004. That was some good reading, but in all honestly I would have read used toilet paper if the shit wiped on it was in the shape of the words 'RedSox" back then. Actually, still would.

The rest of what Simmons writes is fine. Probably good, even. I just don't like it. I have friends who love him, friends who don't even like the teams he likes, friends who hate the teams he likes, friends who know good writing when they see it and continually recommend him to me. But it doesn't matter. Maybe it's some childish reaction to the fact that everyone loves him. Whatever it is, something about him rubs me the wrong way.

Another thing is Simmons loves basketball and I don't. In fact, I actively dislike basketball. And now Simmons has come out with a 70,000 page book on basketball. That's my Guantanamo right there.*

*That should be an ad campaign.

Man sitting in chair: Locked in an elevator with Ann Coulter? That's my Guantanamo.

Woman on park bench: On a job interview with no maxipads and my period comes... that's my Guantanamo.

Man in airline seat: These fucking peanuts are my Guantanamo. Fuck these fucking peanuts! [is restrained by attendants]

Man: Being in a horrifically insensitive ad campaign for nothing... that's my Guantanamo.


Anyway...

Seventy bizillion pages about basketball is bad enough, but sprinkle them with hilarious anecdotes about celebrities, and two page long tortured analogies about how Mad Men is like Charles Oakley's cock, but in a good way. God fucking save me from that shit. Please.

But this poooost isn't about all that. It's really about two interviews Simmons did recently. The first was on the Colbert Report, and the second was with Will Leitch of New York Magazine (it's a three part interview). The interviews touched on different topics, but there was a single topic common to both of them: basketball is better than baseball.

Three words on that: No. Fucking. Way.

But that's obviously just my opinion and some really fucking stupid people who spend most of their time trying to actually lick their own assholes may disagree with me. And that's OK.

Because Simmons cited the same opinions and thoughts in both interviews, I thought it would be interesting to take a look at why he thinks basketball is better than baseball. So, here are a few of the reasons he gave, with my completely unfair commentary below.

Because the interview on the Colbert Report was so short and the NY Magazine interview covers the same material plus much more I'll just follow and comment on that. Baseball isn't mentioned at all in part one of the NY Magazine interview, but it is mentioned prominently in part two and is a side note in part three.

In part three, during an answer to a question about how he came to love soccer, Simmons says,

"In the late-seventies, everyone loved boxing, horse racing, and tennis; now those are niche sports. In the late-seventies, the NBA was struggling and baseball was thriving; now it's the reverse to some degree."

I'd dispute that tennis is a niche sport. Like soccer, it's huge outside of the US and the US Open draws big ratings and big crowds. But the real crux of this statement is that baseball isn't thriving. In 2008, 78.6 million people attended major league baseball games. In 2007 attendance was 79.5 million and this year, in 2009, 73.4 million people attended games. Thems big ol' numbers.

In comparison, the NBA drew 42.8 million people during their 2008-2009 season or 54.5% of baseball's attendance. If you divide the NBA's total attendance for their 08-09 season by 82 games, you get 522,000 people attend per game, that is, the total attendance for all the Game 1s around the league.

Of course, this isn't a completely fair comparison.

First of all, baseball teams play 162 games a season while basketball plays 82. I'm guessing this is primarily due to the strain an NBA game places on a person. Playing 162 NBA games plus the playoffs just isn't a semi-reasonable thing to ask a person to do. So you can't dock the NBA for playing a shorter season.

The second problem with that comparison is baseball parks hold about twice the number of people that basketball stadiums do. But don't you think if the NBA could fill 40,000 seats for each game they'd do it? If more people wanted to come and see pro basketball games they'd build bigger stadiums to accommodate that, so it's fair to use that in a conversation about basketball's popularity.

So, to even out the numbers I divided baseball's attendance by 162 (to get the per-game number like the NBA above) and then multiplied it by 82 (the length of the NBA season) to get a similarly scaled number. If you use baseball's 2009 attendance, you get 37.2 million, or slightly lower than the NBA's total attendance. So, on a per game basis, the sports are in the same ball park.

What does this prove? It sort of shows that pro baseball is about as popular as pro basketball on a weighted per game basis. So when Simmons says that baseball is struggling and basketball is thriving, if you accept attendance as a short-hand for popularity (and there can be a very fair argument that it isn't) then you can see that the two sports are just about equally popular.

Part two of the New York Magazine piece is where the meat of this argument is stated. His answer is (predictably) very long, so I'm going to cut in when I see fit.

Will Leitch: I'd be curious what your thoughts are on the league's current state overall. You seem up on Stern, but one can definitely argue that basketball is a clear-cut third behind football and baseball in terms of national popularity. What is it about the game that's not appealing to people? You have as much access to the collective sports-fan consciousness of our country, with all the mail you get — you must know that readers don't care as much about the NBA. Can that be fixed? Or should anyone even try? Or is anything even broken?

Bill Simmons: See, I feel like the NBA is doing better than baseball and the ratings would certainly back that up. The last three World Series were the lowest rated ever. Baseball's audience gets older each year, and they aren't replacing it with younger fans, whereas that's the NBA's wheelhouse right now. The NBA is grabbing those kids between YouTube, video games, sneakers, and everything else. So that's one problem.

I'm not sure ratings are a perfect proxy for popularity. The ratings depend on many things, such as the specific match up. For example, take me. Please! (ha!) If this year's World Series was between the Dodgers and the Yankees, I wouldn't be watching it, and I'm a huge massive, over the top baseball fan.

But, Simmons brought up ratings, so lets talk ratings. The only source that I know for ratings info is Wikipedia, so take these numbers what whatever sized grain of salt you feel is appropriate.

Since 2000, here are the ratings for the NBA Finals:

NBC 2000 Los Angeles Lakers 4, Indiana Pacers 2 11.6
NBC 2001 Los Angeles Lakers 4, Philadelphia 76ers 1 12.1
NBC 2002 Los Angeles Lakers 4, New Jersey Nets 0 10.2
ABC 2003 San Antonio Spurs 4, New Jersey Nets 2 6.5
ABC 2004 Detroit Pistons 4, Los Angeles Lakers 1 11.5
ABC 2005 San Antonio Spurs 4, Detroit Pistons 3 8.2
ABC 2006 Miami Heat 4, Dallas Mavericks 2 8.5
ABC 2007 San Antonio Spurs 4, Cleveland Cavaliers 0 6.2
ABC 2008 Boston Celtics 4, Los Angeles Lakers 2 9.3
ABC 2009 Los Angeles Lakers 4, Orlando Magic 1 8.4

And here are ratings for the World Series:

2000 FOX (Mets/Yankees) 12.4
2001 FOX (Diamondbacks/Yankees) 15.7
2002 FOX (Angels/Giants) 11.9
2003 FOX (Marlins/Yankees) 13.9
2004 FOX (Red Sox/Cardinals) 15.8
2005 FOX (White Sox/Astros) 11.1
2006 FOX (Cardinals/Tigers) 10.1
2007 FOX (Red Sox/Rockies) 10.6
2008 FOX (Phillies/Rays) 8.4

The average rating for the NBA Finals from 2000 through 2009 is 9.25. The average rating for the World Series from 2000 through 2009 is 12.21. I can't speak to Simmons claim that the NBA audiences are getting younger while Baseball's is getting older, but it definitely seems like Baseball is a bigger draw on TV than basketball, or at least the World Series is a bigger draw than the NBA finals.

While I can't speak to those specifics, I can say that FOX pays $417 million to televise the baseball playoffs and selected regular season games. NBC pays the NBA "about $400 million" or essentially the same amount, so it's unlikely that one reaches a desirable target demographic that the other does not.

I also think baseball has a real credibility issue with sports fans in terms of trust (because of the steroids thing, which has tainted the past two decades, basically), and the time of the games (interminable); basketball doesn't have either of those issues (although it does have the lousy ref issue). The union runs baseball; Stern runs basketball. Big difference.

Neither sport is immune to credibility problems, but if you asked me which scandal threatened the integrity of the game more the refs accepting bribes or the players using steroids, I'd say bribes every time.

Baseball has its own issues with on field officiating though, so I won't make the claim that one is better than the other in this respect, assuming that the bribing of officials in the NBA has stopped.

I've been over and over and over the steroids issue here, but essentially I believe it's been blown way out of proportion. Did it affect the game? It probably did. Do we really know how or in what way it affected the game? No, we have no idea. I don't believe it tainted the sport over the past two decades either.

The real problem with this argument though is that players in basketball are using steroids too. And in football, and hockey as well. If there is an advantage to be gained by using then the players will try to gain that edge. I don't know what the NBA's drug use policy is, but I can't imagine it's more strenuous than Baseball's. In fact, I've heard from numerous media that Baseball now has the best drug testing program in pro sports, for what ever that is worth. To say baseball is tainted and while completely ignoring the usage that is almost surely going on in every other pro sport including basketball is just willful ignorance.

And baseball has turned into a small-market/big-market sport — the NBA is protected from that happening to some degree because of its draft and salary cap.

This is an old and easily shot down argument. Just look at who has participated in the World Series in this decade. Here's the list:

Yankees (x4), Red Sox (x2) Phillies (x2), Cardinals (x2), Diamondbacks, Angels, Giants, Marlins, White Sox, Astros, Tigers, Rockies, Rays, Mets

The Yankees have been to the series four times. No other team has been more than twice, and 14 of the 30 teams, or just about half of all the baseball teams in the league, have made the series in the past nine years.

Now basketball:

Los Angeles Lakers (x6), San Antonio Spurs (x3), Detroit Pistons (x2), New Jersey Nets (x2), Philadelphia 76ers, Indiana Pacers, Miami Heat, Dallas Mavericks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Boston Celtics, Orlando Magic

The Lakers have been to the finals six times with the Spurs at three times. Overall, eleven teams have participated in the Finals, three less than have participated in the World Series over the same time period.

Verdict: WRONG

The biggest thing in the NBA's favor: Don't they have ten times as many marketable players? Name five baseball players under 30 that could sell a shoe or be the focal point of a commercial. Basketball has, like, fifteen of those guys. And LeBron and Kobe are bigger than any baseball player, by far, nobody comes close. There's no star power in baseball anymore. It's pretty much gone.

Honestly, who gives a shit about marketability? How is that any kind of proxy for popularity? I can name fifteen baseball players under thirty, but here's the thing: nobody wears baseball spikes around the mall. You can put on a pair of Air Jordans and head out to the park, but if you try that with your Hanley Ramirez spikes you're going to fuck up your hardwood floor.

This is the stupidest argument for the NBA I've heard. LeBron and Kobe might be bigger than baseball stars. Are they bigger than Derek Jeter? Maybe. Honestly, how do you quantify that? And, an even better question, who really gives a shit?

But asserting that star power is out of baseball is just straight horseshit. Jeter, A-Rod, Manny, these players go by one name or nickname because, like Kobe and LeBron, people know who they are. That's star power.

I think baseball is in more trouble than people realize. Part of the reason attendance remained relatively strong is because teams keep opening new stadiums and coming up with these "buy four tickets for the price of one and get four free hot dogs" deals. Well, what happens in 2016 after the new stadium rush has worn off? That's what I want to see. And again, the length of the games is interminable. For us, we're used to it. No 12-year-old kid wants to spend four hours watching a baseball game.

New stadiums do affect attendance, but that's not a deciding factor by any means. New stadiums usually show a spike in attendance the first season, but after that people stop going to see the stadium and attendance returns to previous levels. New stadiums haven't artificially spiked Baseball's attendance. That simply isn't true.

As for offering deals, basketball teams offer deals too. So do hockey teams. It's an effective way to bring people into the park, show them that it's an enjoyable experience and they should come back again (and buy tickets at full price).

As to the length of the games, an average baseball game is 2 hours and 54 minutes long while the average basketball game is 2 hours and 30 minutes, a difference of 24 minutes. The average NFL game lasts over 3 hours, but nobody talks about shortening that. Again, it's a bullshit argument. Of course people want to watch 3 hour baseball games. They want to watch 4 hour baseball games too. The ratings prove that. So does the attendance.

For my money, there's nothing more interminable than the end of a basketball game. Foul (stand around while someone shoots two free throws), foul (stand around while someone shoots two free throws), foul (stand around while someone shoots two free throws), foul (stand around while someone shoots two free throws), foul (stand around while someone shoots two free throws), foul foul foul foul... Oh my God. I'd almost rather read a Bill Simmons column.
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Super Important And Overly Long Sports-Related Preview!

You've been waiting with baited breath. You've been stocking up the fridge just for this moment. You probably circled this event on your calendar as soon as it was announced.

That's right!

I'm talking about...

The Lakewood Landing Strips vs. The Gashouse Gorillas!!

(Its fantasy football, you nobs. What did you think I was talking about?)

That's right, it's the overly anticipated match-up of BMFS's Lakewood Landing Strips and mattymatty's Gashouse Gorillas. (Extra Gaypoints to BMFS in the Team Name category.)

Before we 'get right to it' a note: This is standard fantasy football, so we use a standard lineup (1QB, 2RBs, 1 Flex (RB or WR), 2WRs, 1TE, and 1 D/ST) with standard scoring.

Lets get right to it. Here's the starting lineup for my Gashouse Gorillas!!

Gashouse Gorillas

QB: Drew Brees, NO

RBs: Steve Slaton, Hou; Mike Bell, NO

Flex: Roddy White, Atl (WR)

WRs: Vincent Jackson, SD; Miles Austin, Dal WR

TE: Owen Daniels, Hou

D/ST: Chicago Bears

K : Mason Crosby, GB

Notes:

Brees has been really hit or miss for me since acquiring him and Roddy White for Philip Rivers and Brandon Jacobs after Week 2. He's posted point totals of 4, 7, 30, 19. Despite the vast variance in performance, Brees has one of the best offenses in the NFL at his disposal, so I'm confident he can keep putting up big point totals. He should be able to throw on Atlanta this week.

Slaton is not a very good actual RB, but as far as fantasy RBs go, he's decent. Most of his points come from touchdowns and reception yardage though and when you combine that with a relatively serious fumbling problem, well, it makes me hesitant to predict greatness going forward. Still, he's managed to score 18 points three out of the last four weeks.

Mike Bell was picked up off the waiver wire, and due to my dumping Jacobs for Brees, I've forced myself to drop wire detritus into my RB2 slot each week. Last week it was Jonathan Stewart who I foolishly drafted in the 5th round this year, dropped, and then picked back up again. Man he sucks. What the F was I thinking blowing a 5th round pick on him? Anyway, Bell. Bell is a touchdown vulture, which works out particularly well this week because the player he's vulturing TDs from, Pierre Thomas, is starting for the Landing Strips. Ha ha.

Roddy White was a kind of throw-in to make the Jacobs/Rivers for Brees deal work. Due to the depth of my receiving corps I didn't start him until last week (yes, his 33 point performance vs. SF in week 5 was wasted on my bench). This week with Dwayne Bowe on a bye it's an easy decision, and the fact that its against a New Orleans defense that has been giving up more than a few points is just more human blood on my alter to the beastmaster.

Vincent Jackson was one of two big steals in my draft this year. I'm confident in saying I saw his big year coming. Of course, I also thought Matt Forte would have a huge year too. Aside from a 5 point performance against Pittsburgh, Jackson has put up at least 10 points each week, including twice scoring 20. The fact that he's playing the Raiders and Asomugha Huminahumina gives me pause (I could start Devin Hester or Derrick Mason in his place), but overall I have confidence that he'll get the ball a few times. This could be a big mistake though.

Miles Austin was picked up off waivers two weeks ago after his 10 catch, 250 yard, 2 TD performance good for 37 points against KC. How I got him I have no idea. He was on a bye the following week (which could have something to do with it, now that I think about it), and I sat him last week thinking the 37 points thing was a fluke. 171 yards, 2 more TDs and 29 points later, asshole is in my starting lineup. Facing the always injured Seattle defense doesn't hurt either.

My other big draft find was grabbing Owen Daniels to be my TE. I got him in both leagues I'm in. Daniels has scored the most points of any TE in football this season and I got him at the end of the 7th round (directly after BMFS picked Cedric Benson). The Texans are facing a mediocre Bills team this week, so the Daniels 18.5 point average production over the last two weeks might just continue.

I'm starting the Bears D/ST this week despite the fact that they got torched by Cincinnati last week, resulting a -4 point total, because they're facing a hideous Browns team. I started the Packers D/ST last week who, not coincidentally also faced the Browns, and they put up 13 points. After two plus years of playing fantasy football I'm starting to learn that the most important factor in choosing a starting D/ST is the quality of their opponent. This is why I'm holding onto the Packers D/ST. Green Bay plays the awful Buccaneers next week.

At kicker I've got Mason Crosby, who is fine as kickers go. As with D/ST, the quality of the opponent is big determining factor, but more so than with a D/ST, kicker points are seemingly random.

Lakewood Landing Strips

QB: David Garrard, Jac

RBs: Pierre Thomas, NO; Beanie Wells, Ari

Flex: Donald Driver, GB (WR)

WRs: Marques Colston, NO; Sidney Rice, Min

TE: Jason Witten, Dal

D/ST: Cowboys

K: Jason Hanson, DET

Notes:

I lucked out and caught the Landing Strips at the perfect time. Tom Brady and Cedric Benson two of the highest scoring players in fantasy football are on bye weeks. This means BMFS is forced to start guys who would usually be on his bench. In contrast the only guy on a bye week for the Gorillas is Dwayne Bowe, and I'd probably sit him anyway in favor of Cowboys WR Asshole McAnusbreath.

Still, David Garrard is about as good a backup QB as you're going to find. ESPN projects him to score 21 points against the Titans this week. He only managed 3 at Seattle and 12 vs. St. Louis the last two weeks, so there is some risk there. Still, what's BMFS supposed to do? Hopefully for him Garrard puts up something in the 10-15 range and doesn't completely sink him, which is really all you can hope for with a backup QB.

Other than Brady, the Landing Strips best player has been Cedric Benson, but he's on bye too. Beanie Wells will be elevated from the bench and along with Pierre Thomas will man the RB slots. Wells had a very good week last week (13 points vs. NYG) and the Cardinals have a favorable match up with the talent-thin Panthers. But Wells is a bit of a wild card because he shares RB duties in Arizona and other than last week the highest point total he'd put up all year was 2.

Thomas is more of a sure thing than Wells, but he shares RB duties as well and only managed 4 points last week. Even worse for the Landing Strips is that the Saints have been using Thomas between the twenties, but once they hit the red zone, the carries have been going to Bell, who plays for the Gorillas. It'll be interesting to see how this one plays out.

Donald Driver has been the most productive receiver for a very good Green Bay offense, with 10 points or more in four of six games this year. Against a very good Minnesota run defense, the Packers can be expected to air it out, and Driver is the likely recipient of many of those attempts. I like starting him in the Flex spot.

Playing Colston this week is a great play by BMFS (not that you'd sit him anyway), but with Drew Brees on the other side, the potential to blunt much of Brees value exists. Actually, how much the Saints score and who specifically records those touchdowns will have a lot to say over the outcome of this match up. BMFS's other receiver, Rice, has over 300 yards the past two weeks and still has not managed to find the end zone. That's just damn hard to do. He'll find it sooner or later with yardage totals like that, and with my luck it'll be this week.

Jason Witten is starting at the TE position for the Landing Strips. He's done almost nothing so far this season, but he's still a key part of the Cowboys offense so he'll do something eventually. No reason it couldn't be this week against Seattle.

The Cowboys defense is a dicey proposition against a Seattle offense that was awful last week and unstoppable the week before. Depending on which Seattle O shows up this could be a big point generator or a negative.

Jason Hanson is a fine kicker, but the Lions don't put up many points and there are better kickers on the waiver wire, so I don't completely understand this play. It could have to do with the fact that the Lions are facing a terrible St. Louis team though.

Overall:

Halfway through the fantasy football season the Gorillas are in a three way tie for first at 4-3. The Landing Strips are a less fortunate 3-3-1, a half game back of making it a four way tie. Despite their mediocre records, the Gorillas are second in the league in scoring with 675 points and the Landing Strips are third only 3 points behind.

A big key to this match up will be the Saints game. Both the Gorillas and the Landing Strips are starting two Saints players, so how many points the Saints score and the distribution of those points will play a huge roll in deciding the winner here.

Despite missing his two most productive players, BMFS has done a good job putting this lineup together. Considering the above, the Gorillas should win, and ESPN says they will 134-104, but ESPN is often wrong about these things (really, everyone is often wrong about these things).

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World Series Game 2: Burnett...Pitches Well? Series Tied 1-1

Pedro pitched well, but in the end it didn't matter because AJ Burnett pitched better. So far the series has been a showcase for great pitching with Cliff Lee spinning a masterpiece in Game 1 and Burnett following suit in Game 2.

A couple notes from last night's game:

* The Yankees started their half of the 7th with two hits. Posada then came up and got the third straight to extend the Yankees lead to 3-1. So, with men on 1st and 2nd in the 7th, up steps Derek Jeter. Jeter is hitting 1,000,999.657 this post-season and had a pretty damn good regular season too, you know, if you believe in those things. As Tim McCarver predicted before the at-bat, Jeter took it upon himself to bunt.

Well, I don't know if Jeter took it upon himself or if he was ordered to do so by Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. I don't know if Girardi had planned to put Mariano Rivera in for a 6 out save there so he was playing for one run, or if Jeter just decided that was the 'smart' play. If Jeter did do it on his own Girardi has to reign him in there. Maybe Girardi doesn't have the stones to tell Jeter what to do, but in that case a bunt his an awful call. 'Two men on and no outs' is a recipe for a big inning. The Yankees were already up by two runs at that point, so to me, the smart play is to try to put the game away there. Don't play for one run, because that's all you'll get if you even get that. Maybe you won't have to force your 40 year old closer to get 6 outs.

Anyway, Jeter missed the first two attempts, making the count 0-2. As everyone knows, if you bunt foul with 2 strikes, you're out. God knows why, but that's the rule. So, Jeter tries to bunt again, fouls it off and is out. There you go, Phillies, a free out courtesy of Cap'n Jeets. Your welcome.

So Jeets hands the Phillies an out and McCarver began to lambaste Jeter for attempting to bunt with two strikes. And I can't believe I'm writing this, but he was completely right. Bunting with two strikes was a terrible call. But so was bunting at all!

* The play immediately following Cap'n Jeets Gift was interesting too. So, now with one out and runners on first and second, up steps Johnny Traitor Damon. Damon hits a weak line drive to Ryan Howard. Howard has to come in on the ball, scoops it on a bounce, then throws to second base, where Jimmy Rollins is not standing on second. Posada arrives seemingly safe at second base. So, for a moment (this perception was helped out by the mis-information coming from the FOX booth) it seemed as if the Phils had screwed up the play. Rollins didn't cover second so Posada is safe there, and the throw didn't ever come back to first, so Damon is safe there too.

Except, no. None of that is right. Because Howard caught Damon's hit in the air, not on the bounce, meaning Damon is out and when Rollins walked up to Posada who was standing on second base and tagged him, Posada was out too. Double play, inning over. Of course Girardi came out to argue, and on TV Joe Buck and Tim McCarver seemed to think that the ball bounced before Howard caught it.

The truth was difficult to discern, but it looked to me like Howard caught the ball. Howard's glove was on the ground beneath the ball and between the ball and the dirt, but Howard leaned so far over that it was hard to tell if he caught it or trapped it. Buck and McCarver seemed to think that he trapped it, but every replay I saw seemed to indicate he caught it. To my eye, the way the ball bounces inside Howard's glove isn't indicative of the ball coming back up off the dirt. Buck and McCarver never wavered from their stance that the ball was trapped and it was a bad call, but the first base umpire was right there to make the call and I didn't see anything on replay to indicate he was wrong.

* Burnett had his fastball and his off-speed pitches working but it looked like he benefited from an overly generous strike zone by home plate umpire HEYLOOKATME!!! Johnson or whatever the hell his name is. On two occasions Ryan Howard was called out on pitches that were outside and high. The call in the ninth inning was especially egregious. A 2-2 pitch that was well outside and probably high to boot. I'm talking outside enough that it didn't show up on the FOXTrax fake strike zone (which is probably calibrated too far to the right anyway).

World Series Game 1: Lee Crushes Yankees

Image stolen from the NY Times

The World Series isn't over yet, though to hear the FOX announcers last night you'd think Game 1 decided the Series. Still, the prospect of facing Cliff Lee twice more should make Yankee fans and maybe even the Yankees themselves make a little pee-pee. Lee was terrific. He shut down the best, most patient offense in baseball, recording 10 strikeouts and walking nobody in the process, virtually single-handedly beating the Yankees.

In a trade I lauded at the time as the Best. Trade. Ever. the Phillies acquired Lee from the Indians in mid-season. As a side note, Indians fans must have been crying in their Burning River Pale Ale last night to see their two former Indians pitchers (and former Cy Young winners) face each other in the first game of the World Series. Lee came in and cemented himself as one of the best pitchers in the game by winning 438 games with a -0.80 ERA (yes, that's right, Lee actually subtracted runs from his opponents).

The Yankees were more or less helpless against Lee, and though Sabathia struggled in the beginning, his results weren't bad. Predictably it was the Yankees bullpen that let them down.

Game 2 is tonight and while quality of the pitching match up drops off considerably, the hype machine should be in overdrive. Pedro Martinez returns to the Bronx to pitch for the Phillies against Tattoo McAwesome. Martinez's return to New York where he's most famous for pitching as a member of the Red Sox is the kind of thing that the media would eat up if it were in the regular season, but this is the World Series. So it's time to go fucking apeshit.

The Phillies have already accomplished what they had to do in New York by winning once. Now they find themselves in the position of being able to go back to Philadelphia with a stranglehold on the series. But even if they lose tonight, we're looking at five games left with three in Philadelphia. That thought alone should cause the Yankees to make a little pee-pee.

By Request: Self Admitted Dope Scott Miller Loves Derek Jeter And Is A Dope

Two days ago Thomas Boswell kissed up to four Yankees at once. Impressive though it was, that rimjob wasn’t focused enough for CBSSports.com’s Scott Miller. He feels that Derek Jeter just doesn’t get the press he deserves. I will now make fun of him for this.

All Is Right In The World: Jeter is back in World Series
By Scott Miller
CBSSports.com

Impressive title, Scott Miller. After reading the first six words I was pretty sure this was going to be about foreign policy, or Christmas, or gay sex. But no, you threw me the ol’ proverbial curveball. Derek Jeter, huh? Are you sure you want to do this?

NEW YORK -- Have you ever taken a poll or a test, given rushed answers before you had a chance to think things through, and then spent the rest of the night wishing you had answered differently?

Oh. My. GOD! I so have. Especially polls. I totally got this phone call one night last year asking me, if I found out that Barack Obama was a Muslim terrorist (is there any other kind?) would I be less likely or more likely to vote for him for President of the United States. I said “More Likely” but I’ll tell you right now there isn’t a night that goes by where I don’t wake up in a pool of my own feces and get down on my hands and knees, taking careful aim to smear it into the carpet, and beg beg BEG Jesus for a time machine so I can go back in time and tell that computer that called me I’d be “Less Likely” to vote for Obama if he was a Muslim terrorist and thank you for bringing up this under-reported and under-interesting topic, Scott Miller.

I have.

As I suspected. I hope, like me, your regret is overwhelming and causes loose stools.

And one I keep coming back to was a quintessential mid-summer's New York poll, a one-question survey administered by a writer with one of the tabloids at an All-Star Game five or six years ago.

The question was…

Wait! Lemme guess! Do you support the use of instant replay in Baseball? Is Inter-League play a good idea? Should revenue sharing be increased to reduce payroll disparity? Is Baseball still the national pastime?

The question was, which New York shortstop would you take right now, today, this very minute, if you were to build a team: Derek Jeter, the aging Prince of the Yankees, or Jose Reyes, then the latest Mets flavor of the month?

Well hell yeah I can see how that would keep you up at night. Still, you’re lucky he didn’t ask you something really serious like “Ya got any gum?” or “Do I have any food in between my teeth?” You’d surely be curled in the corner of your mother’s basement coated in bodily fluids for months.

And continuing in this vein, who phrases a question like that? Isn’t asking, “If you were to build a team: Derek Jeter, the aging Prince of the Yankees, or Jose Reyes, the latest Mets flavor of the month?”, kind of like asking, “If you could pick any flavor of ice cream: Chocolate, the king of deliciousness, or Strawberry, like sucking off a polar bear?”

You should understand what a leading question is, Scott Miller of CBSSports.com, because that was the Prince of the Yankees of leading questions right there. Here’s a good one to help you identify them in the future: Do you think that Scott “Dope” Miller of CBSSports.com, who is a dope, is a dope or not a dope even though he is a dope?

So back to your great quandary, the poll that kept you awake for months drenched in regret: Jeter or Reyes? Reyes or Jeter? Mets or Yankees? Youth or Almost Youth? Pinstripes or, uh.. pinstripes. The suspense is killing me! Literally! I will soon be dead!

Seduced by youth and promise, I picked…

Your nose! HA HA!!

Sorry… we’ll try that again.

Seduced by youth and promise, I picked…

YOUR BUTT!!! HA HA HA!! Ha ha ha…huh huh huh… *sniff sniff* whoo… that was a good one. Sorry… where were we? Oh, right, Scott Miller was about to choose between Jeter and Reyes. Oh, I sure do wonder whom he picked.

Reyes.

YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

And right now, at 30,000 feet, crammed into aisle seat 34C while winging toward another Jeter-infused World Series, I'd like to say this for the record: What a dope.

First we get “resolute Yankee-ness” and now “Jeter-infused”? What is it about the Yankees that inspire writers to create these painfully asinine compound words? Also, how many sentences can a person start a paragraph with before making a statement? Four? Five? I like to touch goats. DAMMIT!!

Yet again I stray from the topic at hand. So, yes, Scott Miller of CBSSports.com, you are a Jeter-infused dope. On that we agree.

By far, the best thing about the Yankees' return to October this fall following their interminable one-year absence is the opportunity again to watch Jeter, 35, on the big stage.

Their absence sure was interminable! And galling, and ceaseless and incessant!

By far, the best thing about the Yankees' re-emergence in the World Series following a five-year detour through the woods is getting one more chance to watch this Pinstriped Picasso paint another masterpiece.

Scott Miller of CBSSports.com awakes. He is in a pool of his own bodily fluids in the corner of his mother’s basement. The lights come up…

Miller: [stretches] What a terrible dream. I dreamt that I was asked to answer a poll question six years ago, Jeter or Reyes, and I said “Reyes.”

[gets up, turns on light; sees giant FatBoy of Jose Reyes on wall]

NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[panics; runs into wall, knocks self out cold]

Disembodied Voice [preferably played by James Earl Jones, or if he isn’t available, Denis Leary]: Scott Miller of CBSSports.com, you are a dope.

Miller [wakes up groggy]: Oh… oh [rubs head] Who is that?

Disembodied Voice: I am James Earl Jones. Or Denis Leary if he wasn’t available. I want you to write a column.

Miller: A column? But how will I do that?

Disembodied Voice: It’s your job, you idiot.

Miller: Right, right. What should be in this column, James Earl Jones, or Denis Miller?

Disembodied Voice: I don’t know, it can be about anything, but you absolutely must include the phrase “Pinstriped Picasso”! Hell, you can verbally lick Derek Jeter’s anus for 800 words if you want.

Miller: [taking notes] OK… verbally lick Derek Jeter’s anus… “Pinstriped Picasso”… got it! I’ll get right on it, James Earl Jones or Denis Leary!

{SCENE!}

Without Jeter last fall, the postseason was October without pumpkin pie, Halloween without trick-or-treaters.

...Marti Grais without over weight naked people, Secretaries Day without sexual harassment, Guy Fawkes Day without high-stakes farm animal rape…

Watching him decode a high-stakes game, be it throwing behind Minnesota's Nick Punto to nail him at third or firing a strike behind the Angels' Bobby Abreu to scorch him at second, remains as riveting a show as there is today.

This is the kind of thing that sportswriters write to let you know that they appreciate the nuances of the game more than you. When you hear, “There is nothing I love more than watching A-Rod tap dirt off his cleats” or “When I see Chone Figgins lay down a sacrifice bunt I get 8 inches of wood” it’s bullshit. Total bullshit. Either that or the author of that statement is bored with baseball.

Because there are a MILLION things that are more exciting and more meaningful than a sacrifice bunt or watching a guy tap dirt off his shoes, or watching Derek Jeter throw behind a runner. A fucking MILLION. Like a home run. How about that? A fucking home run. That’s exciting, right?

Well, maybe to you heathens who don’t really understand the game and it’s subtleties, but people like Scott Miller know that games aren’t won or lost on silly outlandish tangible things like home runs. No, baseball games are really won and lost on things we can’t actually see with the naked eye. Goblins for example.

In fact, you’d need a high powered microscope, a bible, and a jug of goat’s blood to properly decipher The Game, so don’t even try. Just sit back and let sportswriters like Scott Miller of CBSSports.com explain it to you. You idiot.

Also, let “Watching him decode a high-stakes game” serve as a warning sign that we are now entering the Land of Great Hyperbolic Jeterating.

"He's got eyes in the back of his head," Mike Scioscia says, and I'm pretty sure the Angels manager means that literally.

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean that literally.

"He has field sense like no one else in baseball."

Yes, but this is because the league mandated that all players must have their field senses removed from 1938 through 1994. Through a clerical error the rule expired, and moments later Jeter was drafted. Seconds later MLB realized it’s mistake and re-instituted the rule, thus making Jeter the only player with field sense in the game. Lucky fucker.

Over these next several days as the Yankees tangle with the Phillies in a throwback World Series that could have been played by these two history-steeped franchises in, say, 1950 (matter of fact, the Phils and Yanks did play in the '50 Series), we will be inundated with facts, figures and statistics.

I wonder if these history-steeped franchises are Jeter-infused with resolute Yankee-ness…

This already is my favorite: Since Jeter's rookie season in 1996, he has played in a total of 2,270 regular and postseason games.

During that time, the man has played in exactly two in which he definitively knew it was the last game of his season. Two!

He also played in three in which he only somewhat knew it was his last game of the year, six in which he only kinda somewhat knew it was his last game of the year, and three where he had no idea where he was and accidentally urinated in the Gatorade.

The first one was in the 2001 World Series, when the Yankees and Diamondbacks played Game 7. The second was the final game of the 2008 season, when the Yankees had been eliminated.

That's it. In Jeter's other 12 full seasons, he and the Yankees either were attempting to extend their season in the playoffs or stop their opponent from extending its season by winning a title.

I suppose this is all due to Jeter and his infused steeping?

Yankees haters despise him.

By definition, uh, yes?

Sabermetric analysts helpfully advance defensive metrics to point out that he's vastly overrated.

This is 100% true and completely accurate! Sabermetric analysts are all about developing new statistics to impugn not only Derek Jeter’s defense, but his very humanity! Because it’s not at all clear that he has the range of a Barcalounger without arcane and impenetrable numbers to confuse and bewilder. A great example of this, and I’m shocked Miller didn’t bring it up, is the J.E.T.E.R. statistic, which as you all know, stands for ‘Jeter Sucks At Fielding And Is A Terrible Human Being As Well!!!!’

Probably, there are jilted girlfriends somewhere who will claim his sartorial elegance is their doing, too.

[cue carnival music] Impromptu paragraph recap time!!

1) People who hate the Yankees hate Jeter
2) Sabermetric analysts can go suck a cock,
3) Jeter doesn’t dress himself, his ex-girlfriends do.

OK, I get it.

As of yet I have seen no proof that this is true.

And truth be told, late at night, when I'm under my covers, sometimes all the gushing creeps me out, too. Like when I turn the magazine page and there's yet another full-page ad of Mr. Perfect modeling a Movado watch, pitching a Visa card, or whatever it is this month. Grrr.

So I thought to myself, ‘Self, all this gushing sure does piss me off! I’m gonna show 'em all! I'll write a column about Derek Jeter in which I’ll use terms like like, “Pinstriped Picasso”, “sartorial elegance” and say things like, “he has eyes in the back of his head” and “he has the cock of a bull elephant”. Ha! That'll stop all these stupid magazines from their ridiculous Jeter-gushing. (Note to self: write column using term "Jeter-gushing".) Maybe then a dude be able to sit back and smoke a bowl in peace.

Then the sun rises and the games begin again. And the truth of it is, over the years, there is nobody I've enjoyed watching more on the diamond.

My memory at times is beyond terrible, yet I still vividly see Jeter's famous flip play in Oakland in 2001 to catch an un-sliding Jeremy Giambi as if I was sitting in that press box seat watching it happen right now.

It's still the best clutch play I've ever seen.

It was a great play, no question, but wasn’t Giambi safe? I’m pretty sure replays show that Posada missed the tag. I mean, if the umpire blew the call, that’s hardly the Clutchiest Play In The Universe, right? Its really more like the A’s Got Fucked In The Assiest Play In The Universe.

Yet Jeter makes those kind of plays with incredible (Yankees haters, feel free to substitute the word "maddening") frequency, the way Mitch Albom writes best-sellers.

Jeter makes the greatest clutch play you’ve ever seen with incredible frequency? I’m not sure that makes any sense.

Watching his eyes in the split-second before throwing out Punto in Minnesota was like watching a coiled snake just before it strikes.

Tim McCarver? Is that you in there? That sentence sounds like something ripped right out of McCarver’s book, “Things I Say At Night While Furiously Beating My Flacid Shaft.” (available at Amazon.com!).

"Jeter wins games," Reggie Jackson says.

Oh no, not this guy again…

"He makes all the right throws. I don't know how he does it. I'm digging it. I'll watch him in the movie."

Next thing Jackson will probably say that Jeter has Uncontrollable Leakage.

Word of warning: Hollywood is going to have to jazz up the personal side of that before release. Because as much as I enjoy watching the guy, there are few interview subjects I've found as bland as Jeter over these past 14 years.

‘I love him. I love him. I fucking love him. Boooooooring!’

He is unfailingly polite and resolutely remote. He is beyond vanilla. Measured against Jeter, vanilla is risqué and wild.

He is perfect, yet flawed; bright as the sun, yet dark as night; odorless, yet smells like an industrial sewer facility; chunky like cottage cheese, yet dissolves instantly in liquid.

Those polls I mentioned a bit ago? Jeter's taken them, too. Several springs ago, he took one of mine. I was writing a column on big-game pitchers, and I asked several players this: If you could pick one pitcher in history, from any era, to start a Game 7 for your team, who would it be?

"Ah, I really couldn't answer that," Jeter said. "There are so many."

"Come on," I said. "Just one. Anybody."

"Nah."

"Bob Gibson? Sandy Koufax? Lots of players have picked them."

"Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens and Mike Mussina."

"Just one of those three?"

"They're all good. I really couldn't pick just one."

I'll give you three guesses as to which pitchers made up three-fifths of the Yankees rotation that year.

He is the perfect teammate, and the consummate Yankee.

This is the crux of the ridiculous Jeter-Is-Amazing bullshit parade. The guy is a heck of a ball player. He’s a great hitter, a good base runner, and a good teammate. Nobody disputes any of that. Who says Jeter is bad baseball player? Nobody. There is no anti-Jeter side, but for some unknown reason, there is a virulently pro-Jeter side so obsessed with protecting Jeter that they’ll look for any little thing he does and turn it into some huge personality defining moment. The above is a perfect example of this.

Let’s break this down to it’s simplest terms:

1) Miller asks Jeter a simple question
2) Jeter essentially refuses to answer.
3) Miller interprets Jeter’s refusal to answer as proof that he “is the perfect teammate and the consummate Yankee.”
4) I punch myself in the dick

Over the years, attempting to crack that hardened exterior, I've sidled up to him at times to discuss Michigan football, a common interest of ours. That rarely fails to light a spark ... which he quickly extinguishes if I segue into some probing question about the Yankees.

Huh huh… he said “probe”

Still, it was pretty worth it a couple of years ago when I saw the Yankees not long after Michigan had suffered one of the most humiliating losses in school history and I asked him, simply: "Appalachian State?!"

"That was just a scrimmage, wasn't it?" he deadpanned, eyes twinkling.

“eyes twinkling”?…MCCARVER!!!

He can be exceedingly eloquent when he chooses, as during his classy farewell speech to the old Yankee Stadium late last season.

"We're relying on you to take the memories from this stadium, add them to the new memories that come at the new Yankee Stadium and continue to pass them on from generation to generation," Jeter told the crowd that night.

In the words of Chris Rock, “He speaks so well.”

Now, in the new Yankee Stadium's first October dance, fittingly, Jeter is on hand to help usher in some of the earliest of those new memories.

"This way to your seats, Earliest New Memories. Can I take your coat?"

As he does, again we will watch his autumn smirk, that look in which he appears to know more about what's happening -- and what's about to happen -- than anyone else on the field but actually does not.

Again we will see his autumn smile, the Cheshire cat grin that makes him look as if he's having the time of his life and not more than a day or two removed from the playgrounds of his youth.

That’s not just an autumn smile, it’s a Carriage-Infused-Jeterated-Autumn-Smile/Smirk-Of-Resolutely-Steeped-Yankee-Ness! Of course, it’s also a Baboon-Penis-Brewed-Flaming-Boil-On-The-Ass-Of-Yankee-itude.

"He plays hard every day, every play," Yankees manager Joe Girardi says. "He never takes a play off. He never takes a pitch off. Physically, you see him play beat up. You see him play sick. We had to tie him down in the Mets series [earlier this season] he was so sick. He had a 102, 103 fever. We had to tie him down and say, 'No, you're not playing.'"

Not like that quitter A-Rod, who takes every third pitch off, only plays hard on alternate Tuesdays in months ending in “Y”, and when he’s sick he GOES TO FUCKING BED AND GETS WELL.

Jeter or Reyes?

A few years down the road, the answer now -- as it should have been then -- could not be clearer:

Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahahaha!

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t one of the options.

It is October. The buck-toothed jack-o-lanterns are glowing.

Tim McCarver?

The leaves are falling.

My stomach is heaving.

And, again, it is Jeter's time.

[wipes tear from eye]

Clap.

Clap.

Clap. Clap. Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clapclapclapclapclapclapCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!BRAVOCLAPCLAPMOREMORECLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
.

Basketball is Hurrrr! (aka NBA Prediction Column)

It’s finally here! It’s hard to get anything productive done on the day that a new NBA season tips off , especially one with the potential storylines and caliber of play that we should witness this year. Every season has particularly gripping items of intrigue that hold our interest throughout the year, and this campaign is no different, so I’ve decided to look at my Top Three Stories of the 2009-10 Season. And no, as tempting as it was, I didn’t address the ridiculous implosion of the Warriors cuz they’re such a rudderless mess that they’ll be out of sight and mind quicker than Tyronn Lue.

1. The Rajon Rondo Reality Show:

As of today, Celtics’ point guard Rajon Rondo and his agent, Bill Duffy, have stated that Rondo will not sign a contract extension with the Celtics – a decision that could allow him to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season. Duffy/Rondo think the PG should be paid like a top 5 player at that position, while the Celts’ GM Danny Ainge doesn’t agree and has been overly vocal about it – a mistake that I think could be huge in scuttling the negotiations. Rondo’s nightly triple-double threat and hawking defense are unrivaled in the league right now and if the team loses him, either mentally this season or roster-wise next year, it will be a difficult hole to fill. Put it this way, only Chris Paul and Deron Williams are better long-term bets than Rondo right now, and he’s easily on the level of Steve Nash, Tony Parker and Derrick Rose. As I see it, if things go well for Boston this year, then Ainge will have to pay more for him than they would if they negotiated now; if they go less-than-swimmingly, then Rondo is frustrated and the team implodes (the acquisition of Rasheed “CTC” Wallace can only exacerbate the problem.) This is definitely a situation that will plague the team until a deal is done and could torpedo their year – a year that may be the Celtics’ last chance at a title with KG.

2. The Season-Long Ron Artest – Trevor Ariza Comparison:

Last season, Trevor Ariza, a native Angeleno, became a crowd favorite at Lakers’ home games and among Lakers’ fans everywhere, especially when he reached career scoring and shooting levels during LA’s championship run. Many writers and pundits were baffled and chose to mount their moral high horses when Dr. Buss let Ariza go to the Rockets and replaced him with noted head case Ron Artest. In reality, Ariza and his agent had their bluff called, and were left suddenly out in the cold when Artest became a Laker, forcing them to sign with a markedly weaker Houston Rockets team. I immediately thought the Lakers made the right move: Artest is a much better offensive player - Rockets fans, wait until you see Ariza without all of the open looks Kobe got him – that will enable Kobe to rest more. While he’s not the super-stopper that he used to be, Artest is a more versatile defender and much stronger than Ariza. With Yao gone for the year, T-Mac on the shelf for a while and the Rockets’ completely void of interior defense, Ariza will be WAY over-exposed and revealed to be somewhat of a bust.

3. Who Will be the Winner of The Great Arms Race of the Summer of 2009?

I can’t remember an off-season in which ALL of what are perceived as being the championship-contending teams made, not just additions, but SIGNIFICANT additions to their teams, both in terms of talent and money. The NBA became a little MLB-like in separating the “haves” from the “have-nots”; it’s almost like a two-tiered league now with about eight teams that have a chance to win in the playoffs, and the rest of the teams merely playing out their schedules for a chance to be drummed out of the first round of the playoffs. We’ll have to wait to see how it all plays out in June, but for now, let’s take a look at the moves:

1. Boston picks up Rasheed Wallace: a pretty nice get, as ‘Sheed has to know that he’s a role player on this team with Garnett ahead of him. However, he is now on the books for three years at an average of $6 million per year – kind of a burden to a team that has to re-sign Ray Allen, Rondo, Kendrick Perkins and Paul Pierce next summer. He’ll contribute the occasional big three and some boards and defense, but I don’t see him making a huge difference, but the Celts are stacked enough that it won’t matter.

2. Orlando lands Vince Carter, Brandon Bass, Matt Barnes and White Chocolate. That is a freaking handful of players to try and work in to a rotation and Hedgehog van Gundy is gonna have his hands full keeping everybody happy. On paper, Vinsanity is exactly what the Magic needed in last season’s Finals: an athletic scoring wing who can create his own offense. My only worry is that he’ll take the ball from Dwight Howard too much, and I’m sure Magic fans remember Howard not getting enough touches last year in the Finals without Carter. Bass, Barnes and J-Will will help a little, but not that much. My crystal ball says Carter goes in to a massive shooting nosedive and eliminates his team from the conference finals.

3. Cavaliers trade for the Bloated Corpse of Shaquille O’Neal. Granted, Kobe had O’Neal as his center for three titles, and Dwyane Wade had him for his title, but that surely doesn’t mean that LeBron + Shaq = 2010 Championship. The Cavs won 66 games last year without Shaq and with all players having clearly defined roles – well, as “clearly defined” as Mike Brown can make them. Now Shaq is stepping on Zydrunas Ilgauskus’ toes and will demand the ball and his numbers, all while being a turnstile on the defensive end. Oh ya, the Cavs also acquired Anthony Parker and Leon Powe.Whatever. I think the Cavs are due for a step backwards and a second-round exit in the playoffs.

4. San Antonio adds Richard Jefferson, Antonio McDyess and DuJuan Blair. Jefferson and McDyess might allow Coach Popovich to rest Manu Ginobili and Tim Duncan more than he could in past seasons, and that is definitely a good thing for Spurs fans to hear as injuries have played a large role in their team’s recent post-season flameouts. If all goes according to plan, and these moves do indeed enable San Antonio to enter the playoffs healthy and rested, then they have been well worth the money. My gut isn’t buying it though. I think Manu’s gimpy ankles will surface again, and neither Jefferson nor McDyess will have enough punch to get the Spurs to the conference finals, and Blair, albeit hard-working, is an under-sized rookie.

5. Portland adds point guard Andre Miller. Yawn. Miller has already started messing with the once-golden chemistry of the young Trail Blazers by bitching about competing for playing time with incumbent PG Steve Blake. The funny thing is that when it’s crunch time, Miller won’t even be touching the ball as the Blazers run everything through superstar Brandon Roy, and Miller is nowhere near good enough a shooter to play the spot-up role, so he’ll likely be on the bench. This move halts the Blazers ascension in the Western Conference and makes them first-round fodder again.

6. New Orleans adds center Emeka Okafor. The Hornets lose Chris Paul’s ideal finisher and athletic defender in Tyson Chandler and end up with a slower, ground-bound center in Okafor. It’s only fitting that Okafor starts the season with a messed-up toe, as the Hornets did nothing but stub their own toe with this move. It may cost them a playoff birth.

7. Dallas Mavericks add Shawn Marion, Dwight Gooden, Quinton Ross, Tim Thomas, Kris Humphries and Roddy Beaubois. Immediately, Dallas becomes a better defensive team with Marion, Ross and Gooden likely playing big minutes. Marion and Ross fill two glaring needs that the Mavericks have been dealing with for years: athletic wings that can defend, other than the injury-plagued Josh Howard. Gooden is a far superior backup to Erick Dampier and will actually give them some offensive production from the center spot. Tim Thomas, although I’m by no means a fan of his, should help with the occasional offensive outburst, and I look for the hyper-athletic Beaubois to see some specialty minutes by the end of the year. Yes, the Mavs are old, but are a very versatile and more athletic team than they’ve ever been. And somehow I haven’t even mentioned The Uber-Man himself, Dirk Nowitzki, who will only continue to be one of the league’s most under-appreciated badasses. And remember, the Mavs still have the Dampier card that they could play sometime this season to address a need. I honestly see these additions paying off and MFFLs celebrating a conference finals appearance.

8. Lakers sign Ron Artest. I’ve already addressed this above. I’ll just add that I think that with this move – surprise, surprise – the Lakers are gonna repeat as champs.

Fearless Division Predictions:

EASTERN CONFERNCE:

Atlantic:

1. Boston
2. Philly
3. Toronto
4. New York Knicks
5. New Jersey

Central:

1. Cleveland
2. Detroit
3. Chicago
4. Indiana
5. Milwaukee

Southeast:

1. Orlando
2. Washington
3. Atlanta
4. Miami
5. Charlotte

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Southwest:

1. Dallas
2. San Antonio
3. New Orleans
4. Houston
5. Memphis

Northwest:

1. Denver
2. Portland
3. Utah
4. Oklahoma City
5. Minnesota

Pacific:

1. Lakers
2. Phoenix
3. Clippers
4. Golden State
5. Sacramento

Conference Finalists:

East: Boston over Orlando.

West: Lakers over Dallas.

2010 NBA CHAMPION: LAKERS.

A Message From Steve Phillips

Hi everybody. Steve Phillips here. First of all, yes, it's true. I was fired by ESPN. You just can't fuck interns anymore, I guess. But seriously, how was I supposed to know that? It didn't say that in my contract, I can tell you that for damn sure. There's no "Don't Fuck Interns Or We'll Fire Your Ass" clause. I looked! I went over that thing with a fine tooth comb to be sure there wasn't anything in it about that.

There was no, "Don't Stick Your Dick In The Holes In The Doughnuts On The Snack Counter" either, so I figured, I'm golden. There were no provisions on where I could put my dick at all. I never would've signed on the dotted line if someone started to regulate me like that. Tony Siragusa's microphone? Done. Karl Ravech's coffee? You bet. John Kruk's ear while passed out drunk? You better believe it.

But I'm not here to talk about the fact that I put my dick in Jay Bilas's ham sandwich, or smeared it on John Clayton's carrot cake, or rubbed it gently on Peter Gammons' cheek one of those times he fell asleep in his chair, or diagrammed it on Ron Jaworski's telestrator, or put a highly coiffed wig on it, told the Maitre D it was Mel Kiper, Jr. and got the best table in the place, or let the hair on the back of it's shaft grow long until Barry Melrose's own mother couldn't tell the difference, or smacked Woody Paige in the face with it, or put a fake sore on it to keep Mike Tirico away, or stole women from Chris Berman by telling them, "You're with my penis", or taught it to say "BOOO YAH!!" and scared the shit out of Stuart Scott.

No. What's done is done, and I can't change the past. I loved my time at ESPN and I'm thankful for all the people I was able to show my penis to. I guess if there was one wish I have, I just would have liked to have been able to show my penis to my favorite ESPN personality ever: Keyshawn Johnson.

.

Boswell Slurps The Yankees

It's been a while since I've blatantly ripped off Fire Joe Morgan and made fun of other people's hard work by point out how stupid it is. Now batting... Thomas Boswell!

Batter up, bitch.

***

These Four Have Set Themselves Apart

By Thomas Boswell
Sunday, October 25, 2009

Wait wait! Let me guess! Uh...four who have set themselves apart, huh? OK... Mother Teresa. She's gotta be in there. Gandhi. Of course Gandhi. Martin Luther King, Jr... That's only three, though. Who is the fourth?

NEW YORK

The rain poured on the outfield grass but Andy Pettitte kept throwing, harder and harder, until he was almost at game velocity.

Andy Pettitte? Andy F. Pettitte? Andy Fucking Pettitte? Andy The Greatest Goat Fucker Of Them All Pettitte? Seriously, he's the fourth? Oh. This is about sports. My bad, yo.

Even though his start in Game 6 of the American League Championship Series had been postponed just an hour before, even though he will now pitch that game on Sunday night, he had work to do, ritual to render, a kind of resolute Yankee-ness to honor.

Pardon me, good sir, whilst I vomit most profusely, a rainbow of putrescence from my piehole. In fact, the last clause of that sentence is so puke-inducing in fact that I shall print it once more:

a kind of resolute Yankee-ness to honor

BLLLAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!!

It only took two sentences before Boswell wrote the phrase "resolute Yankee-ness", and, after regurgitating, I have to ask, isn't that redundant? Isn't Yankee-ness resolute by nature? Once you put on THE PINSTRIPES you automatically become Resolute with a capital R, along with Forthright, Bold, Dogged, Persevering, Unyielding, Unbendable, Ppurposeful, and of course, A Goat Fucker. (Note: none of the preceding applies to A-Rod, who isn't a true Yankee except when he hits home runs.)

(Except for the Goat Fucking.)

As the rain turned to a deluge, with no other players from either the Yanks or Angels anywhere in sight in this new blue pinstripe shrine, Pettitte ran alone, back and forth, from the right field foul line to center field, over and over.

"As the rain turned to acid, no other living creature could survive in this hell on earth. Andy Pettitte ran alone, the green grass turning black with death beneath his feet, his skin slowly peeling back, like the foreskin of a penis. The Stadium began to shake and crumble around him, but Pettitte remained unaffected by the carnage. He ran and ran and ran because he's an idiot."

or

"Never before has a date in history been so significant to so many... this is the beginning of an epic story about a global cataclysm, a cataclysm which will bring about the end of the world as we know it, and will tell of the heroic struggle of so many..."*

(*That's the synopsis for the movie 2012)

On Sunday night, Pettitte may pitch the Yankees back to the World Series for the 40th time.

Or he may go to City Hall and have more letters grafted onto his name. Armed with more letters, Andy Pettittttitttttittttttttttttttte will pitch so well the Phillies will just give up before the World Series even starts. "No need to play the World Series," they'll say in unison. "Andy Pettttttttttttttitttttttttttitttttttttttttte and the Yankees with their slimming pinstripes and their wonderful and resolute Yankee-ness, BLLLLLEAAAAAAAAAAAA [entire team wipes mouth] truly deserve to win the World Series and we are honored to hand it to them. We're just sorry we can't make it as easy for them as the Mets did in 2000."

Along with him on that trip will be three other classic veteran Yankees -- shortstop Derek Jeter, closer Mariano Rivera and catcher Jorge Posada, all of them teammates on four New York world champions from 1996 to 2000. All of them, each having another superior postseason, are dedicated to a last roundup (with $423 million in new trail hands along for the ride).

Actually, not much to quarrel with here... Carry on, sir, carry on.

Let Pettitte, throwing and running alone in a long empty stadium in a steady storm, stand for all four of them.

So, you're saying they're all morons?

Hatless, in a blue Yankees T-shirt and pinstripe pants, drenched long ago but oblivious the 37-year-old left-hander continues a 90-season Yankee tradition of lifelong commitment to the endless boring regimen of greatness.

Right on, Boz. Greatness sure is boring. People get so tired of winners. "Hey! Look at me! I just won some dumb championship." BOOOOORING!! Two names for you: Tiger Words and Michael Jordin. Ever heard of either of them? Me neither.* Nobody has because they're just so boring. Has anyone ever seen a commercial or an ad with Words or Jordin? I never have. Sure, *yawn* maybe they win all the time, but *yawn!*... but... *YAWN!*... what was I saying? [...snore...]

*I acknowledge this makes no sense.

The Yankees as an organization are rich and never play on a level field.

...which is why so many of them fall down when running the bases. If Steinbrenner would spend less money on players and more on a competant grounds crew they wouldn't have that problem. Come on, people! Its time to realize!

But the individual Yankees who comprise the best of those teams are indeed a magnificent breed apart -- in their own minds, to be sure, and, perhaps, to a degree, in reality, too.

A magnificent breed apart. Derek Jeter certainly is. I mean, have you ever seen his thighs? They're massive! He's got what scientists call 'YankeeThighs.' Did you know that Yankees have been bred to be this way through generations? It all began way back in the 1600s when a super-race of pre-Yankees was... oh, sorry.

"The four of them all exemplify what the best Yankees are supposed to be -- classy, tough, gentlemen, winners, team first," said "senior adviser" Reggie Jackson, standing in the locker room.

You see, this is exactly why Alex Rodriguez isn't a true Yankee. Classy? Nope, the guy has never taken a class in his life. Tough? Well, if you count wearing purple lipstick and sucking Madonna's cock as tough, then OK, I'll give it to you. Gentlemanly? A-Rod wouldn't know which side the fork goes on if he took a class which he'd never take unless it was a class about Madonna's cock which probably wouldn't teach you which side the fork goes on anyway. Winner? You know what A-Rod's record is? It's 0-34,745. Team first? Do you think A-Rod is putting the team first when he hits all those home runs? Does he wait classily (?) and gentlemanly by for others to hit home runs? No, of course not. He butts his way in line (ever notice A-Rod has three spots in the lineup?) and hits homer after homer. Asshole.

"If things don't go well, you sit down and be quiet." "Oh, just like you used to?" I said.

"Huh huh huh," laughed Jackson as Boswell unzipped his pants.

Reggie laughed. "Those four guys set the example for everybody else," Jackson said. "I can sum up what they have in two words -- relentless carriage..."

I have to cut it here. "Relentless carriage"? As far as I know, "carriage" means several things none of which Jackson could possibly mean. Princeton University defines "carriage" in these ways:

#1: (n) passenger car, coach, carriage (a railcar where passengers ride)

- Derek Jeter is a relentless railcar where passenger ride? Probably not what Jackson meant.

#2: (n) carriage, equipage, rig (a vehicle with wheels drawn by one or more horses)

- Mariano Rivera has wheels that are drawn by one or more horses? Could be... I guess...?

#3: (n) carriage, bearing, posture (characteristic way of bearing one's body) "stood with good posture"

-Would one really describe Jorge Posada as having relentless posture? Sounds assinine.

#4: (n) carriage (a machine part that carries something else)

- This must be it! It describes Derek Jeter perfectly! On his tombstone it will read, "Here Lies Derek Templeton Horatio Jeter, VIII; Hall of Fame Shortstop for the New York Yankees, Greatest In Team History, And A Machine Part That Carries Something Else"

#5: (n) baby buggy, baby carriage, carriage, perambulator, pram, stroller, go-cart, pushchair, pusher (a small vehicle with four wheels in which a baby or child is pushed around)

Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present Andy "Perambulator" Pettitte, Mariano "Baby Buggy" Rivera, Jorge "Pushchair" Posada, and Derek "A Small Vehicle With Four Wheels In Which A Baby Or Child Is Pushed Around" Jeter! The Four Yankees Of Rentless Carriage!!! [crowd cheers]

And now back to Reggie Jackson's blabbing already in progress...

They have a posture that they never lose no matter what's happening.

So Jackson actually meant Rivera, Posada, Pettitte, and Jeter have "relentless posture." I honestly have no idea what that is suppose to mean. Is that good? Does that mean they can't bend over? If so, how do they play baseball?

If there is no path, they cut their own and make a way for you. The circumstances of the [particular] game don't dictate to them. They define the game.

Like that time David Ortiz doubled down the line and Derek Jeter ran over and moved first base causing the ball to be foul and saving the game for the Yankees? Or the time that Mariano Rivera gave up a homer to Jim Thome to lose the game but refused to leave the mound and insisted on pitching to the next batter (who singled)? Or the time Jorge Posada ordered a double cheeseburger at Hardees but was told he couldn't get double cheese on that so he chain-sawed a path into the counter, forced his way into the kitchen, and put two pieces of cheese on the burger himself? Or the time that I overused a dumb device and everyone stopped reading?

"To have a great team, you need two or three giants who have it."

Giants who have it? In FJM-esse this is know as a fastball down the mutha-flurkin pipe. And yet, I have nothing. Strike three!

Might the Phillies have a few sure men with relentless carriage. "Yes," Jackson said. "Ryan Howard has the physical presence and the talent to match it." But you can see he has trouble coming up with other names that fill him with enthusiasm.

I can see why. The Phillies really don't have many players with good posture. Have you seen the slouch on Chase Utley? Dude will not stand up straight to save his ever lov'n life. Cole Hamels must have some sort of spinal disorder the way he leans to the side like that. Jayson Werth has decent posture, but all you have to do to screw it up is hit him in the lower back with a bowling ball. Dude will crumple like a gum wrapper.

The Yankees, meanwhile, have their veteran foursome, plus three additional stars with equivalent gifts but not yet that Jeter-like perfect pinstripe posture -- Alex Rodriguez, CC Sabathia and Mark Teixeira.

[pause for third wretching session of article: GLLLUUUUUAAAAAAAAARRRRRRG!!]

"Jeter-like perfect pinstripe posture?" Is there no blog by this name yet, because if there isn't, there certainly...Holy shit! There is!

All this sounds just peachy for the Yankees. But it's not quite a perfect world for them yet. The Yanks didn't want to play a Game 6 and probably shouldn't have had to.

This is an outrage! How could Major League Baseball possibly require the Yankees to play Game 6? Are they supposed to "win the series by winning four games before the other team does, just like the other team is supposed to do"? Are they supposed to acquiesce to MLB's "rules"? Are they supposed to just bend over and submit to...

[...20 minutes pass...]

...A DEAD GOAT WITH AIDS!?!?!? WELL?!?!? ARE THEY!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

Pettitte has plenty of problems beating the Angels with an 0-4 record and 34 runs allowed in 39 1/3 innings in seven starts against them the last two years. He's allowed at least three earned runs in all of them.

Wow, actual baseball statistics. Impressive. But, as is his wont, Boswell ignores small sample size and inexplicably chooses only the last two years when Pettitte threw 215 innings as a Yankee in 2007. But whatever. Pettitte hasn't pitched well against the Angels in his career. In 189 innings against the Angels Pettitte has a 4.70 ERA, 0.80 above his career average.

Still, A DEAD GOAT AIDS?!?!? REALLY!?!??!

There wouldn't have been any Game 6, or the fear of a one-game-season Game 7 (even if CC does get to start it), if the Yankees' setup men -- Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain -- who were so substantial in the regular season hadn't suddenly looked scared to death on Thursday in Anaheim.

I'm pretty sure the look on their faces wasn't the issue. Chamberlain and Hughes both peed their pants. That was the real problem. Nothing straightens out a curveball like fresh warm urine.

With a two-run seventh-inning lead, they blew up the bridge to the virtually infallible Rivera whose ERA this postseason is (of course) 0.00 and in 83 playoff games now has an 0.71 ERA, 36 saves and an 8-1 record.

"The image of a Yankee is Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera," Jackson said. Pettitte and Posada are on a slightly lower level, yet not followers.

Hughes and Chamberlain are 23 and 25 years old. Jeter, Rivera, Pettitte, and Posada are all over 35. That's a difference of 10-12 years of major league experience. Also, those four are all incredible baseball players. What I'm saying: This is not a fair comparison.

"They could both get into the Hall of Fame. They are on the cusp," Jackson said. "Andy has 15 postseason wins. That ties the record. What if he gets No. 16 [on Sunday]. Or 17 and 18 [in the World Series]?

Or what if he accidentally subtracts No. 16 and only has 15? Or subtracts two and is left with 14? What if he takes the square root and suddenly only has 4?

"Jorge was the class of his era as a catcher, along with Iván Rodríguez. Ivan's probably a Hall of Famer. But if you had to start a team, you'd probably pick Jorge over Iván."

Ivan Rodriguez is a first ballot Hall of Famer. He has 14 All Star selections, 13 Gold Gloves, and an MVP award, almost all of it earned. There is legitimate debate over whether Posada belongs in the Hall at all. Posada is an incredible hitter for a catcher, but he doesn't even belong on the same page as Rodriguez when it comes to defense. So, no, you wouldn't take Posada over Rodriguez. Now, if you're talking about 2009 or 2010, then yes, obviously you would, but as far as career totals go, no way.

Game 6 may loom unusually large, even for a team as over-laoded with stars as the Yankees, because Pettitte carries such a central place in the locker room. Once, he was more a sidekick to Roger Clemens. Now, "Andy is the leader around here," Jackson said.

I'm sure if the Yankees lose game 6 they'll lose the series, not because the Angels are a good team (although they are), or because the Yankees are choking dogs of the first order (although they are) but because of Andy Pettitte's position in the clubhouse. "If Andy loses," says Johnny Damon, "we're just gonna pack it in, I guess. I mean, I know there will be a Game 7, but I'll probably just skip it. I mean, why bother?"

[skip over lots of crap. Crap crap crap...]

On Sunday, the rain will stop. The new $1.5 billion Big Ballpark, this city's duplicate shrine to what it means to be a Yankee, will show itself in all its over-the-top blue majesty, right up to the restored white façade. The great baseball tradition here will not be celebrated by monuments and pediments, or by 15-foot neon "Yankee" signs or video hagiography. Jeter, Rivera, Posada and Pettitte will carry it forward in its proper dignified manner. Like Ruth and Gehrig, DiMaggio and Mantle, Jackson and Munson, they embody the best Yankee tradition -- the relentless carriage of champions.

And once more together:

BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!!!!
.

Marcus Who?

Joe Buck continues to be the lead broadcaster on Fox sports despite BMFS’ (real) and Artie Lange’s (fake) frothing disdain for the guy and the fact that his diatribes are incredibly annoying – and the fact that somehow his hair that keeps getting blonder every time I see him.

Chip Caray has butchered more calls in this season’s MLB playoffs than a blind auctioneer at the State Fair of Confusion, yet he remains a prime-time play-by-play guy for TBS in the baseball playoffs.

Chris Simms is still in the NFL despite throwing for a single touchdown and seven interceptions the last time he could take the field (2006) and basically missing the last two seasons due to injury.

All massive cases of nepotism, right? No doubt.

But nothing can touch the abject silliness and arrogance of the actions of one Marcus Jordan:

Michael Jordan’s son Marcus, a freshman guard at Central Florida, is refusing to wear shoes made by adidas. He said he would wear only his father’s Nike Air Jordans. The university said it was working with Adidas “in determining how this unique set of circumstances will work for both parties.”

Let me get this straight. A fucking FRESHMAN guard is telling the university that has him on scholarship – an institution whose most notable alum is the guy who played Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard, so it must be good - that he refuses to wear the school’s chosen sneaker. Why? Because his last name is Jordan.

I remember his daddy covering up the Reebok logo on his Team USA sweat suit during the Dream Team medal ceremony in 1992, and while that was petty, it kinda sorta could be rationalized. The similar actions by Marcus might be tolerable if he was worth a damn and was destined to be the stud to make the Knights a Top 20 team.

He’s not. According to ESPNU’s rankings, Marcus Jordan was the 100^th-best shooting guard in the country as a high school senior in 2009 where he averaged a less-than-stellar 10.0 points, 4.5 rebounds and 3.2 assists per game.

“Back up the money truck baby! Marcus is coming! Final Four or bust!”

Don’t you think, that while Marcus and his bitter, absentee dad (ask the Charlotte Bobcats) were beating the legions of D-1 recruiters away from their house, that one of the initial weeding-out questions would’ve been: “What brand of sneaker does your school wear?”

Not surprisingly, they forgot to get clarification on this, and since everyone is going to get a great shot of Marcus’ sneaks from the bench, he thought he better flex what muscle he has and declare that he will refuse to wear adidas because the Air Jordans “hold special meaning to my family.”

Well, the University of Central Florida has a $3 million, six-year contract with adidas to be the exclusive provider of footwear and apparel for all players and coaches. I'm pretty sure the contract even includes fucking prima donna, spare-ass freshman shooting guards.

Here’s a solution: since it’s so important and the shoes hold such a special meaning to your family , how about your daddy lay out about $6 million for the school? Then you could wear freaking ballet slippers on the bench if you want.

Something tells me this might be the last time we hear the name of little Marcus Jordan*.

*Especially since the school thinks so highly of him that the official press release for the 2009-2010 UCF basketball season doesn't even mention him. Guh.