Showing newest 20 of 32 posts from September 2009. Show older posts
Showing newest 20 of 32 posts from September 2009. Show older posts

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

More Good News: This Post Doesn't Mention The Redskins At All! Not Once! I Swear! Other Than In The Headline I Mean!


You may be unfamiliar with Baseball Prospectus. They were the first serious statistical and analytical baseball site on the net. I've been reading them for years now and they've greatly enhanced my enjoyment of the sport.

So, when they announced they were starting Puck Prospectus (Why not "hockey prospectus"? Is alliteration that important?) recently, I was psyched. Hopefully Puck Prospectus would increase my understanding of hockey and give me new insight into the sport the way Baseball Prospectus has.

Well, Puck Prospectus has been up and running for about half a year and its alright. I can't say it's great, but I do read it and try to understand all the esoteric stats they have. They did a good job of previewing last season's playoff match ups, so that's something.

In preparation for the upcoming hockey season, PP has been previewing all 30 NHL teams in order of quality, from the worst to the best. They're up to the third best team so far (Boston Bruins) and they still haven't previewed the Washington Capitals. This means that either they forgot, or they think the Caps are one of the two best teams in the NHL. Holy shit! I can't believe they forgot about the Caps!

Actually, there is a mention of the Caps in the Bruins preview, which lends credence to the theory that they think the Caps are good (as opposed to forgetting they exist all together). Here's the quote:

Boston will find it very difficult to compete with the offensive juggernaut in Washington, which suddenly now has a respectable defense.

Boston, the third best team in the NHL mind you, will find it 'hard to compete' with the Caps? The Caps will have an 'Offensive juggernaut'? Oh man, I like the sound of that shit.

This may sound like a whole lot about nothing. Who gives a turd sandwich (or a giant douche) what some stupid statistical hockey website has to say about the best teams in September? Perhaps a little context is necessary. It's been a while since the Caps have been number one at anything. They made the Stanley Cup Finals in '98, but nobody really expected them to be there and certainly nobody expected them to win. And they didn't. And they haven't really done much since then. In fact, it was all downhill from then until the Caps lucked into the top draft pick the year Alex Ovechkin was available (prompting this guy to get a tattoo on a place that maybe he shouldn't have).

So pardon me if I'm a bit excited about the Caps chances this year. Especially in light of the quality of the other teams in Washington.

By the way, the other team they haven't previewed yet is the Chicago Blackhawks. So it comes down to this: FUCK YOU CHICAGO! WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR TOMATO-SAUCE-ON-TOP ASSES!! GO SUCK SOME MORE MAFIA COCK, EH?

UPDATE: The second team is posted on Puck Prospectus and it's the Caps, meaning they think the Blackhawks are better. Fuckers.
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Monday, September 28, 2009

Happy Time And The Curly Haired Boyfriend


There is a lot of negativity around these here parts and I'm responsible for more than my fair share. So, how about some honest-to-goodness positivity on a Monday, eh? OK, commencing positivity... NOW!

Dan Shaughnessy is an asshole. This has been well chronicled. A writer for the Boston Globe, Shaughnessy exists to rile up all the 'Gussy from Southie' mooks (every fanbase has 'em) who get most of their sports information from sports talk radio.

I'm past the point where I even bother to open Shaughnessy's columns anymore. I don't need my shit stirred, ya know? And yet, today, I actually opened and read all of Shaughnessy's latest. Well, OK, not the whole thing, I couldn't stomach that, but I did read part of it and I didn't a) pee myself laughing at how dumb it was, or b) stomp about the house screaming how dumb it was.

In my new found spirit of positivity, I want to commend Shaughnessy. First of all he actually noticed that the Red Sox aren't trying to win the AL East, that they're satisfied with the Wild Card. This in and of itself is amazing but add in the fact that the article does not contain a sarcastic tone qualifies as a miracle.

There is no lame jokes about computers telling the Red Sox what to do, or over-the-top criticisms of the team for 'giving up' either. Well, I assume there weren't. Again, I didn't actually read the whole thing. That would be stupid.

You know what? I'm in such a positive and giving mood, I'm going to actually quote Shaughnessy here. Enjoy!

[The Red Sox] are using these final days to get some rest and tune up for the playoffs. Terry Francona started Rocco Baldelli in right, Jed Lowrie (hitting .158 entering the game) at short, and Brian Anderson in left. Chris Woodward played short in the eighth and dropped a throw from Victor Martinez that led to a pair of unearned runs. If not for four hit batsmen (two each side), this could have been March 18 at City of Palms Park.

The message from Boston was clear: everything is settled. The Sox are going to win the wild card. They are not going to challenge the Yankees for home-field advantage. Let Girardi wear his guys out. The Sox are getting ready for the playoffs.


Oh my God, he's right! It kinda is like spring training. And, guess what else? He's right not to criticize them too. Teams fight all year long to get into the playoffs, and once they get there it almost doesn't matter who they're playing or where they're playing them. Worry about the Red Sox lousy road record some other day. Worry about the cross country flights, the Angels miraculously good offense, and Jon Lester's shin later. God knows they'll be time for that.

For now though, the Red Sox are in the playoffs, and they are smart enough to prepare for it during the regular season. They know that the games between now and then don't matter at all, and apparently Dan Shaughnessy knows too. Good job, Red Sox, and good job Dan Shaughnessy.

Now back to your regularly scheduled negativity. I'm going to purge myself.
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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Un. Fucking. Believable.


The Washington Post says "Rock Bottom." The Washington Times says, "A Shocking Loss." That's because neither of them are allowed to swear.

The magic of the internet: Un-FUCKING-Believable.

When looking back over the steaming heap of shit that was this embarrassment of a football game, there are so many "How in the living fuck do you do [X]?!?" moments, I honestly don't even know where to start. I just hope Jim Zorn has a warm place to sleep tonight.

The Redskins were out-muscled, and out-smarted. They were out-fought and out-schemed, out-pushed and out-shoved. They were out-played on offense and defense. And all by a team that hadn't recorded a win in two years.

Some may blame this loss on Zorn, and there is much to point to in that regard. The play that really melts my mind is the final one, even though I acknowledge the game was lost well before that. The Redskins were down 19-14, and had the ball on the Lions 30 yard line with 0:08 left on the clock. This would likely be the last play of the game. Any fourth grader will tell you, down by 5 you need a touchdown. So what did Campbell and Zorn call? A bullshit hook and ladder play. Campbell dumped the ball off in the flat, and the play netted about 12 yards. Game over. Total bullshit. Throw the damn ball into the end zone. There is only one requirement on a play like that, and throwing the ball into the end zone is it.

Some may pin this loss on the defense, and again, there is lots to point to here as well. Allowing a 99 yard drive to the Detroit Lions? Losing the time of possession battle by more than 13 minutes? Letting the Lions convert 10 out of 18 third downs, including 8 out of 10 in the first half? Giving up 381 yards to the Detroit Lions without causing one single turnover? It was a monstrous performance, and one not worthy of a team with any aspirations of winning.

Some may blame this on the officials, and there's little question the Lions had some help. Three important plays at the end of the game were called incorrectly against the Redskins.

Play 1: On third down with the score 13-7, Detroit, Santana Moss caught a pass and was tackled by his face mask. The officials saw it, threw the flag, and then inexplicably picked it up. The Redskins were forced to punt and the Lions got the ball back. If they call this play correctly, the Redskins have a first down and continue their drive.

Play 2: With the Lions driving, quarterback Matthew Stafford had the ball in the pocket and was pressured by the Redskins defensive line. Three Redskins defensive players pressured and knocked him down about ten yards directly behind the line of scrimmage. As he was being tackled, Stafford threw the ball sideways to nobody. Nobody was there from either team. It was clearly intentional grounding. No call was made. If this is called correctly, the Lions are facing a 3rd down and about 20 yards.

Play 3: The Lions had the ball at about the 50 yard line with a 13-7 lead in the fourth quarter. Stafford threw a hail mary-ish pass into the end zone for (I think) Calvin Johnson. Redskins safety Chris Horton was covering Johnson. The pass was under thrown and Johnson, who had a step on Horton, stopped in the end zone. Horton caught up to Johnson, turned his body to look for the ball, jumped, and deflected it. In the act of doing so he and Johnson touched, but as both were going for the ball, and indeed both were turned to face the incoming pass, no flag should have been thrown. But the officials called pass interference on Horton anyway. It was a 49 yard penalty, and gave the Lions the ball on the Redskins 1 yard line. This effectively ended the game.

All that said, I want to make this very clear: the officials didn't lose the game for the Redskins. The game was lost by the Redskins players, the Redskins coaches, and the Redskins front office including the team's owners. If the Redskins could put any points on the board or stop the Lions offense, or control the line of scrimmage, it wouldn't matter what the officials called or when they called it.

The Redskins were dominated at the point of attack all day long. The offensive line couldn't hold back the Lions pressure and the defensive line couldn't create any room to run.

There have been some low moments in the Dan Snyder era, but this is, without question, the very lowest of the low. Losing to a team that hasn't won in 19 games over parts of three seasons, and not only losing, but getting pushed around by them. Well, it's humiliating. Just humiliating.

The immediate reaction from fans and the media is to speculate about or outright call for Jim Zorn's firing. There is no telling how Dan Snyder will react, but once the smoke clears, it should become apparent that firing Jim Zorn right now won't serve anyone. Zorn is the head coach, the offensive coordinator, and the quarterbacks coach. Who ever would replace him wouldn't have a chance of holding down those posts with any level of competency.

Are the Redskins really going to be able to find a head coach, a replacement for that head coach, a new offensive coordinator, and a new quarterback's coach, all while preparing for next week's game against Tampa? Of course not. There are thirteen games left in this season, and unless you're willing to run up the white flag after the third game, firing Zorn is the wrong call.

Firing Zorn would be the knee-jerk reaction to one of the most humiliating defeats the Redskins have ever suffered, but right now it's the wrong call. And on that basis alone I expect it to happen.
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Saturday, September 26, 2009

The NFL Puts the "No" in Notown.



You might not believe it if it weren't true, but at one time, Detroit was the fourth largest city in the United States. I discovered this today while reading the alarming cover story of this week's TIME magazine entitled "Notown." It is now #11 and sinking like a stone.

The city is $300 million short of the funds needed to fund basic municipal services.

The school system is in receivership.

The murder rate is out of control and a whopping 7 out of 10 such cases go unsolved.

And this one killed me: after Katrina, the unemployment rate in New Orleans peaked at 11%. The current unemployment rate in Detroit is 28.9%.

Twenty. Eight. Point. Nine. Percent.*

In real life terms, Detroit is a wasteland and is hopelessly depressing. In football terms, the Detroit Lions are beyond even attaching the word "hope" to in any way. They have lost 19 professional football games in a row and 25 of their last 26. They are likely the worst team in NFL history.

But, in a time where a little compassion might go a long way, the NFL, in all its regulatory selfishness, has decided to black out tomorrow's Lions game against the Redskins because the team is roughly 10,000 below the necessary limit.

Think about that - it's not like they're even CLOSE to selling the game out. It's obviously not just apathy that has led to the shortfall in ticket sales, but even if it was, can you blame the fans? Their city is literally collapsing around them, and as a perfect metaphor, their NFL team is teetering on the edge of historic ineptitude. But rather than give these poor (emotionally and financially) citizens a brief reprieve, the NFL kicks them in whatever appendage they haven't already donated to science for little bit of cash.

If I hadn't already spent my son's college fund on the NFL Sunday Ticket, it's likely I would have very little to do with the NFL for the foreseeable future. I know that "rules are rules," but seriously, would it do the league any harm to have just a modicum of compassion? Do they somehow think that by blacking out the game that they will cause a rash of fans to purchase tickets? These people are fucking broke and the NFL has now pushed the Lions, and by extension, the league itself, further away from any measure of relevance to them. "Thanks Roger Goodell, but I think I'll try and find the change in my cushions for some milk, thank you very much."

This seriously sucks. I feel for the people of Detroit - if there are any left. I hope beyond hope that somehow the Tigers can catch fire and bring home a World Series to these people.

*I bit the TIME article there.

I Really Hope Tony Romo Wins a Champeenchip

No, not this season. I want the Cowboys and all of their douchebag fans and former players to suffer through a season of biblical suckitude. I want Jerry Jones' new monument of bombast and greed, the GeckoDome, er Cowboys Stadium, and its jumbotron to collapse on itself. I want there to be a drunken stampede on the "Party Pass" platform and for a fan to get trampled so they can sue Jerry and take the the Death Star from him. I want the Cowboys to lose every game this year.

But I do want Tony Romo to win a title.

This entire week, EVERY day since the Cowboys lost last Sunday to the Giants in the opening of their new stadium, fans have been calling Dallas talk radio to bitch about Tony Romo. Radio hosts and columnists have re-hashed Romo's mistakes to the point that I feel like I'm living Clockwork Orange with toothpicks holding my eyes open.

But that's not enough. The mighty Cowboys (who haven't won a playoff game since CompuServe was a good investment) are supposed to win, right? It's their birthright. And who better to remind us of this than the Cowboys legends?

Enter Tony Dorsett. Enter Emmitt Smith. Enter Troy Aikman. Hell, I've even heard clips of fucking ALVIN HARPER calling Romo out for not being enough of a "leader" or tough enough.

You bitter old fucks. You sound like a bunch of whiny bitches. Hell, Troy and Emmitt, weren't you guys the "leaders" of those 5-11 Cowboys teams? Didn't you two fucktards go 6-10 one year as well? Didn't you shitbags lose to the freaking Cardinals in the playoffs? And now, with Romo 1-1 in his third year as a starter, these former Cowboys feel the need to step in to the spotlight and tell us all how Romo needs to get his shit together.

And the Cowboys fans follow the lead of their heroes and still live in 1992-95 so much that they feel that they can call Romo out as if they know better. "If he doesn't get his game together, we're gonna need ourselves a new quarterback!" "I don't think Romo knows what it means to be THE QB of the COWBOYS!" "Who is going to take over if Romo has another game like last week?"

A quick jolt of reality for you Cowboys fans: Romo is the active leader in yards-per-pass attempt - ahead of Brady, Manning, Roethlisberger and Warner - and is fourth ALL-TIME in that statistic. He was second to Brady's stoopid 50 TDs in 2007.

Man, I couldn't hate the Cowboys and their fans more if they took a shit on my car.

So, here's what I hope happens: I want the Cowboys to continue to lose. I want the fans to continue to call for Romo's head. I want them to cut or trade Romo. I want him to play for an organization that knows how to construct and run a team. I want Romo to win a Super Bowl while the Cowboys continue to wallow in old newspaper clippings from the early-90's.

Don't get me wrong, Romo has his warts, and at times they can be big and hairy, but he's better than most of the quarterbacks in the league. He's put up some pretty gaudy numbers in his brief career and will likely equal the sainted Dorsett in Pro-Bowl appearances this year.

The arrogance of Cowboys fans, especially now that they have the gaudiest stadium in the universe, is nauseating. Romo deserves better than them.

Around The NFL With Matty, Week 3: Goat Testicles Ahoy!!

Welcome to another exciting week of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM!)! This week we'll look at the Redskins offense, we'll go inside the Lions defense, and we'll do our weekly NFL-reach-around segment! Also, we'll make poop jokes. Lots of poop jokes! Like this: What did the poop say to the other poop? FUCK YOU! HA! Poop is rude!

The big story in Washington isn't the climate change bill, health care reform, or the Republicans ignoring the fact that Barack Obama is clearly not a citizen of the United States. No, the big story in DC is the Redskins offensive offense. The Skins have managed only one touchdown on offense through two games, and that was in the hurry up at the end of the Giants game. Last week against lowly St. Louis the offense managed only three field goals and the team was booed leaving the field at the half.

Let's look at a few potential factors that could be causing the Redskins some problems:

Potential Problem #1: Vinny Ceratto has the intellect of a horse's patoot
As long as Daniel Snyder owns the team, Cerrato will have a job cleaning out his anus with his tongue helping to run the team in some capacity. Cerrato's constant questioning of the status quo along with his superior intellect combine to... oh, wait. Sorry, wrong guy. [ruffles through notes] Hmmm... ah! Here we go. If you rearrange the letters in "Cerrato" you get Core Rat.
Verdict: Ain't part of the solution

Potential Problem #2: Jim Zorn
Zorn's offense is essentially Mike Holmgren's offense, which took Matt Hasselbeck five years to master. While Holmgren was brought into Seattle on a seventy billion year contract and given both head coach and GM duties, Zorn was brought in because nobody else would take the job and was given the janitor's closet as an office so that Dan Snyder could turn the former coaches office into his private coat closet.
Verdict: Probably not the best fit

Potential Problem #3: The Offensive Line
The offensive line is O-L-D-E old. While the Skins brought in slightly younger Derrick Dockery to play guard in the off season, the average age of the Redskins offensive line is over 30. That's just asking for injury problems, and sure enough, in the second game of the season, Randy Thomas is lost for the year with a torn triceps muscle. The skins had an opportunity to draft an offensive lineman high last year's draft, a draft that was universally seen as dirty with quality offensive line prospects. They passed, going instead with an undersized defensive end who, sadly, doesn't play offensive line. On the plus side, uh... uh...
Verdict: Doh!

Potential Problem #4: The Owner
It's easy to pin everything that goes wrong on the owner, but the truth is most of it is his fault. From the head coaching carousel to making horrendous football decisions when you have absolutely no fucking idea what the fuck you're fucking doing and you fuck it all the fuck up... aw hell.
Verdict: We pretty much pinpointed it right there.

Now it's time for "Inside The..." In this week's episode, we're going inside the Lion's defense:

Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham: SCHNELL!! SCHNELL!!
[players take their seats in film room]
Cunningham: O.K. Diese Woche we' Regehen, unserer Leistung gegen jene schändlichen Juden, die Wikinger zurück zu betrachten. Dieser Witz ist vermutlich recht lahm. Wir sollten ihn gerade unten schließen wirklich. It' s das älteste im Buch seit 1945. Ich bedeute, der deutsche Kerl und kreische auf Deutsch über Juden. Ha ha. Wirklich. Ha. Bumsen. Ha.

And that was "Inside The..." with the Lions Defense. Special thanks to Gunther Cunningham for allowing ATNFLWM inside the Lions locker room.

And now it's time for what you've all been waiting for. ATNFLWM's NFL-Reach-Around (ATNFLWM'SNFLRA!)!

But first, this episode of ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Scary Scary Telephones

And by:

Weather: Get some today!

In deference to The Man, a quick reminder that these picks are not intended to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Also, please allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Sizes may vary.

TO THE PICKS!

Washington at Detroit
-Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to open world's first 41 Million Dollar Store
-Lions fans replace old bag-over-the-head routine with new Sporks-In-The-Eyes routine.
-Predicted score: Redskins 20, Megatron 14, Lions 3
pick: Redskins...?

Green Bay at St. Louis
-Asked what they have to do to stop St. Louis' offense, Packer's linebacker Aaron Kampman said, "Not die."
-Rams planning to fire up home fans by actually setting fans on fire
pick: Packers

San Francisco at Minnesota
-Minnesota's back up running back to be Brad Childress's mustache
-"Michael Crabtree! You just turned down $21o million in guaranteed money! What are you going to do now?"
"I'm gonna slaughter my agent!"
-Officially the most boring battle of undefeateds ever in NFL history
pick: Minnesota

Atlanta at New England
-Game to be decided by pure animal attractiveness of Tom Brady's chin versus Matt Ryan's perfect teeth
-Falcons literally 'under the radar'
pick: Patriots

Tennessee at NY Jets
- Tennessee defense signed with Washington in off-season
- Now it's time for the Rex Ryan Fat Joke Of The Week (Brought to you by GM: wasting advertising dollars for more years than you've been alive): All Jets game plans to be printed on slices of meatloaf.
pick: J-E-T-S POOP POOP POOP!

Kansas City at Philadelphia
-Chiefs to spend Todd Haley Era getting over Herm Edwards Era.
-Andy Reid makes Kobayashi look like Kate Moss
pick: E-A-G-L-E-S SHUTDAFUKUPYAMOOKS

NY Giants at Tampa Bay
-Eli Manning currently cementing title of World's Third Greatest Manning
-Giants ability to enjoy Tampa's many strip clubs downgraded without Plaxico Burress
pick: Giants

Cleveland at Baltimore
-Browns only chance to win game involves reanimated corpse of Otto Graham, a black stallion, and a flaming pumpkin.
-Browns in town for Anal Suppository Day. Coincidence?
pick: Ravens

Jacksonville at Houston
-When Texans inevitably move to Tennessee, will they change their name?
-[insert poop-related joke here]
pick: Texans

New Orleans at Buffalo
-Closest hotel to Bills stadium actually in New Orleans
-Drew Brees excited to be joining my fantasy team. "It's a dream come true, really," said Brees. "I mean, I grew up as a Whoreville Fucksticks fan."
pick: Saints

Chicago at Seattle
-The bright side of starting Seneca Wallace: Lots of good seats available up front by halftime
-Jay Cutler's chins looking to bounce back after lousy start to season.
pick: Bears

Miami at San Diego
-Norv Turner developing anal blisters from years on hot seat
-LaDainian Tomlinson latest running back to fall off proverbial cliff, prompting me to attempt to trade for him in fantasy league. Because I'm a fucking genius, that's why.
pick: Chargers

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
-No matter who plays or coaches for Cincinnati, they suck. No matter who plays or coaches for Pittsburgh they're good. Things that make you go WADAFUK?
-Marvin Lewis unable to import good defense with him to Cincinnati, only able to import herpes.
pick: Steelers

Denver at Oakland
-JaMarcus Russell's best chance at success: fry cook at McDonalds
-Next year's Raiders coach? Jim Zorn
pick: Oakland

Indianapolis at Arizona
-Kurt Warner's wife named most beautiful NFL wife by Modern Dog Magazine (BA DA BOOM!)
-Chances Arizona returns to Superbowl the same as chance sthat I get through whole column without making poop joke
pick: Cardinals

Carolina at Dallas (plus total points)
-Vegas giving 3/2 odds that Jake Delhomme becomes first quarterback to hit Cowboys new scoreboard
- Jerry Jones best chance to get another Superbowl trophy? Buy one from Patriots.
pick: Cowboys

Next Week: I jump my kids tricycle over a bucket of pudding! Stay tuned!
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Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Can't Repeat as WFCs with Mr. DFL

Yeah, you know the guy I'm talking about. The guy on the front of the t-shirt I'm wearing right now. (It has the photo at far right on it.)

I just finished reading a book called It Ain't Over 'til It's Over, which digs into the dozen or so closest pennant races in modern baseball history in an effort to determine why the winner won and the loser(s) lost. Perhaps surprisingly, there is a theme common to almost all the races described: a failure -- or refusal -- by the manager of the losing team to use his best players.

Seems unfathomable to anyone who's not aware of the traditions of baseball, but there's a proud tradition of obstinate anti-intellectualism in the ol' boys' club known as the Majors. Even to this day, you'll hear plenty of Yankees fans who blast Alex Rodriguez at every opportunity and would tell you they'd rather still have Scott Brosius playing third.

Why? For the same reason managers have historically refused to put their best players on the field as often as humanly possible: some of those players haven't done anything for your team in the past, and you're loyal to the other guys on the team who have. And in the current times, in which a more scientific understanding of baseball has gained a reasonable foothold, that is as patently ridiculous as holding the belief that Scott Brosius is better than A-Rod because A-Rod has never hit a game-winning home run in the World Series.

Which brings us to Brad "Lightnin'" Lidge, the real-life Human Torch. In 2008, he was perfect in save opportunities in the regular season, but since saves are a junktastical junky-junk stat, I'll put it this way: he was the best closer in the National League*, if not the best reliever. He was in the top 5 in the Majors in most K per 9 IP and fewest HR per 9 IP. His ERA was under 2 and his fielding-independent pitching was in the top 10 in the Majors.

*Mariano Rivera spent 2008 in an entirely undiscovered galaxy, performance-wise. Shame that fuckin' A-Rod prevented him from pitching in the playoffs.

In 2009, Lidge is the worst relief pitcher in baseball. He resides in the bottom 10 in the following statistics: BB per 9 IP*, HR allowed per 9 IP, opponents' batting average, WHIP (dead fucking last), ERA (DFL), fielding-independent pitching, and E-F** (DFL).

*Carlos Marmol walks EIGHT batters per 9 IP. Someone pour a couple Budweisers on Harry Caray's grave, 'cause he needs 'em if he can see the Cubbies from his current vantage point.

**E-F is ERA minus fielding-independent pitching, which supposedly isolates a pitcher's performance even more thoroughly from other sources of statistical noise. Because Lightnin' Lidge is DFL in it, I figure it's accurate.


For further historical perspective, Lidge is the only pitcher in the so-called modern era of baseball (i.e., a fucking hundred and ten fucking years*) who has no wins, 7 or more losses, and an ERA over 7 who has appeared in more than 26 games. The worse of the two other pitchers in the Lidgeosphere of Fail is this guy, who was traded from the AL to the NL mid-season -- in other words, demoted to a league in which he might be able to retire some batters. The other was a one-in-a-billion fluke who managed to absorb 9 losses in 10 relief appearances and was summarily dispatched to the land of bus travel and meal money. This leaves Lidge is the only pitcher EVER with such abysmal numbers who appeared in more than 10 games for a single team without it shipping him elsewhere. Such as to the moon. (Bang! Zoom!)

*Before 1900, foul balls didn't count as strikes and batters verbally instructed pitchers where to throw their pitches. Matty would find a way to shoehorn in at least one mention of baboon genitals here, but I feel those actual rules are funny enough on their own.

But yet Charlie Manuel keeps trotting Lidge out there, leading even the dullest-witted baseball analysts -- those who most revere the tradition of refusing to use your best players -- to question him. (OK, not Joe Morgan. Yet.) It's a familiar story in Philadelphia, where, in 1993, Jim Fregosi adhered to a "dance with the one whut brung ya" strategy in the playoffs, deploying Mitch Williams in high-leverage situations despite the fact that he was obviously injured or at least fatigued -- his fastball had lost a stunning 7-8 mph of velocity since the regular season.*

*Another tried-and-true baseball tradition that is stone-cold retarded: Never, ever tell your manager you are injured. It may compromise his ability to keep his best players off the field.

As for why Manuel is throwing Lidge out there and hoping he'll pitch himself back into some semblance of a Major Leaguer, the Phillies have (1) a large enough lead in their division that they have virtually no risk of missing the playoffs, and (2) other options that, although better by default, aren't much better. Ryan Madson seems to have no problems retiring batters in the seventh or eighth innings, but folds like Superman on laundry day in save situations.*

*As much as I agree in principle with the seamhead bromide that closers don't possess some magical power and thus the closer role as presently conceived should cease to exist, I cannot explain Madson's performance. If there's no special skill to closing versus pitching other innings, why can't he do it, no matter how many chances he's given? We're no longer dealing with a too-small sample size with this guy. Even Lidge himself, during his second Houston flameout*, pitched well in seventh and eighth innings but couldn't retire anyone in save situations.

*Yes, he wrecked into an iceberg two separate times in Houston before the current episode in Philly. As Samir Nagheenanajar said, this is a... fuck!

Regardless of Madson's struggles, Lidge has no place on a Major League team at this point, and if he is on the Phillies' postseason roster, it'll be a monumental mistake.

When it comes to replacing the worst relief pitcher in baseball -- and the worst pitcher, period, on a playoff team -- perfectly reasonable alternatives exist only a pencil's width away. If Brett Myers gets healthy, maybe he can close. Same deal for J.C. Romero. Tyler Walker has been pitching pretty well. How about Pedro? He can dial it up and strike some sons-a-bitches out if he's throwing one inning at a time... right? You're only gonna need four starters, Charlie. Hell, go sign Samir and throw his ass out there.

Lidge got his reward for excellence last season: a 3-year, $39M contract extension*. He was a major player on a World Champion in Philadelphia; this is something that will continue to be appreciated dearly as long as there is such a thing as baseball Philadelphia. But this team is good enough to win another championship, and there is no way it'll happen if Charlie Manuel continues to reward the 2009 Lidge for the 2008 Lidge's accomplishments. There are 147 relief pitchers in baseball who are better than Brad Lidge right now, and several of them are actually in the employ of the Phillies. If Manuel doesn't replace Brad Lidge with one of them, he may really be the country-fried rube everyone thought he was when the Phillies hired him.

*AAAAUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

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The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week 2, The Year of Our Lord

This picture horked from USAToday

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's column will appear each week, chronicling the ups and downs of the Redskins season which frequently correspond to the ups and downs of the Reactionary Redskins Fan's marriage. This past week, the Redskins won the second game of their season over St. Louis, 9-7.]

Nine fucking points?

Fucking nine fucking points? N-Fucking-I-Fucking-N-Fucking-E Points?!? Dog diarrhea on a stick nine Points? Against the Dog Diarrhea Rams? The Fucking Dog Diarrhea Rams?!

And we... won...?

The Reactionary Redskins fan respectfully rests his case against Jim Zorn and hopes the jury will render a fair decision against his offense which has scored a whopping one touchdown in two regular season games. The Reactionary Redskins Fan wishes to ask the people of the jury for a MUTHAFUCKING OFFENSE PUH-FUCKING-LEASE?!?!?!?

[falls over clutching throat]

[Note: the opinions of The Reactionary Redskins Fan are his own, and not necessarily those of TOOOAST!!!, blogger.com, The Washington Redskins, or our sponsor, Turds.com, the new search engine from Microsoft. Turds.com: Making your life easier!]
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Can't Anybody Here Pretend to Play This Game?

Last week I was preparing a POOOAST!!! about my wild ineptitude at fantasy football. See, not only had I lost in all three leagues in which I play, but I had lost badly in all three. In fact, as of about 9 PM on Monday, I was the lowest scorer in all three leagues in Week 1.

Then Tom Brady woke up and threw two TD passes in about 2 minutes, and I was no longer the low scorer in the (foot)balls league (though I still lost by 30); that gilded anvil of honor fell onto the noggin of one Matty. Hell, not only was I not the worst fantasy football player on Earth, I didn't even look to be the worst fantasy football player on this very blog. Matty detailed his fantastic travails here.

Alas, fantasy football failure isn't exclusively a province of ineptitude, which I possess in spades; it is also reliant on the residue of said ineptitude: bad luck. And with that, after two weeks of NFL brutality 2009, my three teams are an aggregate 0-6.

In Week 2, my team was the third highest scorer in each of my 10-team leagues* and lost both games. In one league, my team (name: "I EAT SHIT AND I HATE MY LIFE") scored a preposterous 137 points (league average is around 100) and still fucking lost.** My team in the (foot)balls league (name: "I ENJOY GETTING KICKED IN THE NURTZ REPEATEDLY BY A BABOON WITH AN ERECTION") hung up 107 (average in that league is about 85) -- which would have been enough to beat Matty, whose Gashouse Gorillas are now 1-1 after an excellent 104-point showing this weekend -- and got kicked repeatedly in the gonads by the churning feet of one Frank Gore as he ran for 207 yards.***

*In both cases, obviously enough, behind the teams with Chris Johnson and Frank Gore on them.

**And I lost, really, because I started Zach Miller over Chris Cooley. Had I followed the "No Starters Who Cannot Score Points Unless JaMarcus Russell Shows Some Measure of Competence" rule, I would have scored 145 points and won -- without Gore or Johnson, which is frankly amazing.


***Any implication that Frank Gore is, in fact, a baboon with an erection is purely unintentional.

Worse still, I was in Northern California on Sunday afternoon -- where SF/SEA was on TV exclusively -- and Gore was one of the last active players on either team, so I basically got to watch myself lose in real time.

I returned home on Monday with a 17-point lead in my other 10-teamer and only Dallas Clark still in play in for the other team, just in time to see another of my teams lose in real time. I was doomed from the first play of the fucking game. A hundred and thirty-seven points and I lost? God DAMMIT. I'm fourth in the league in scoring and I'm 0-2.

I think every fantasy geek has a player who (s)he just absolutely despises from a purely fantasy-related standpoint. Mine is Dallas Clark. I've never had him on any of my teams, ever, and seemingly every huge game he's had in his career has come in a week when my fantasy team has played against the team that has him in its lineup. The only way I could hate him more would be if I had him on my team one time, the year he missed half the season injured.

It's still September and I've got three parts cars for fantasy teams. So to hell with it. It's hockey season... Er, no, it's still baseball season. (Go Phils.) Then it's hockey season.

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It's the Junior JerryTron!

First of all, whose shitty tweets are those over there? "Going to the gym now -- Rowing!"?? I'm gonna hazard a guess that's not anyone here at T!!!. (I can eliminate myself, as I break a sweat, well, eliminating.) Snizza, get on the stick. You know how to use that Twitter whatchacallit, right?

I am going to attend a preseason hockey game this evening. Not to see the Stars*, mind you -- to see the new 1024 x 1920 high-definition video screens that have been installed at the ends of the arena and on the center-hanging scoreboard cluster.

*Actually, I am going in part to remind myself of who the hell plays for the Stars, as nearly every noteworthy player on their roster was injured last season. That, and to get totally crocked.

I can't find any photos of them on the InterNutz, as there have been only a few events at the facility since the new screens debuted, but here's a rendering animated for PR flackery a year or so ago. If I'm not too lazy to bring my camera -- and I'm too lazy to post anything on this blog, so there's no cause for optimism here -- I'll post a couple shots up in this piece.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Matty's Sports Notes: A Look At Things

Welcome to the inaugural episode of mAtty'S Sports notes (ASS). In this episode, we'll touch on all of Matty's favorite sports teams. Yay.

***

While some negativists may say the Rangers tanked, and they might not be wrong, the Red Sox have made a real run. They've gone 19-6 since August 24th, and turned a 1.5 game lead in the Wild Card race over Texas into an 8 game lead in the process. At the same time they've picked up about five games on the Yankees in what is at least for now the race for the AL East title.

The Yankees are four up in the loss column, five up overall, and have three games in Anaheim before coming home to face the Red Sox in New York this weekend. The Red Sox have four games in Kansas City before playing the Yankees at The Toilet. It's not out of the realm of possibility that by the time Friday rolls around the two teams could be closer than anyone imagined a month ago (outside of the 6-1-7 area code).

***

The Redskins suck. They could barely beat a Rams team at home that, other than Steven Jackson, has nobody worth noting. While the Redskins got into the RED ZONE four time (five if you count the final kneel down series), they only came away with three field goals. On top of that, they lost their second best offensive lineman for the year when Randy Thomas tore a triceps muscle. Nothing like an unconvincing win coupled with major injuries to lighten your mood on a Monday morning, eh?

Still, the team has more time to, uh, grow (?) next week when they face the Lions at Ford Field, the nicest stadium in the country that nobody goes to. If the Redskins can convert their 2-1 advantage in yardage into a similar ratio on the scoreboard they should dominate the hapless Lions. You won't catch me putting money on that though.

***

The Washington Capitals have started training camp. In fact, they've already made their first roster cuts in preparation for their opening game in Boston against the now Phil Kessel-less Bruins on October 1st.

Should be interesting to see who starts in net for the Caps. They've got the remains of Jose Theodore for another year (and another billion dollars), but they've also got the Simeon Varlamov who led them to the seventh game against the Penguins in the second round of the playoffs. And, they've got the goalie who led the Hershey Bears to the AHL's version of the Stanley Cup, in Michael Neuvirth. Who to choose? I don't have the damnedest idea, but I'm sure Bruce Boudreau has one.

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Like I Didn't Already Hate the Cowboys Enough...

Last week my mom was in town (Dallas) and on her last day, before heading to the airport, we decided to go check out the bombastic monstrosity known as The Death Star, er Cowboys Stadium. As we approached The Ballpark in Arlington (or whatever the hell they're calling the site of the Texas Rangers current implosion), we could see the source of all evil looming in the background. As we got closer, Cowboys Stadium appeared more and more fake.

"It's too big. It's got to be a mirage!"

Truth be told, it is fucking huge. And silver. With ginormous TV screens everywhere. Of course we couldn't get in to see the interior, but in true Jerry Jones/Gordon Gecko fashion, we were able to access one area of the stadium. Yep, you guessed it - The Gift Shop!

I've grown up hating the Cowboys my entire life. My sainted mother, who stood at my side as we entered the 8th circle of hell (get it, #8?), was greatly responsible for this fact. God bless her! Oh wait, I forgot, God smiles on the Cowboys. My mom and I are doomed to a never-ending purgatory of replays of The Hail Mary Play and Tony Dorsett's 99 yard run.

So anyway, we walk through the doors of the gift shop, and what greets us but this:

FUCK YOU COWBOYS! That's all I could think. What a bunch of insecure bitches.

But it didn't end there. We were in the kids' area - which was the only area in the store where even a hint that another team even existed in the NFL could be seen as there was a Redskins-Cowboys checkers set - we get smacked in the face with such Cowboys indoctrination as this piece of garbage:


Man, I guess if I went to other stadiums (stadia?), I would similar examples of nauseating arrogance...but I fucking doubt it.

I pray to all things decent in this universe that the Giants lay a beatdown on the Cowturds of true Biblical proportions and Jerry Jones' facelift staples pop out and blow a hole in the jumbotron.

Around The NFL With Matty: It's Over Before You Know It Version (Not Unlike My Sexlife!) (HA!)

Back in my misspent youth I had time to do things like stay up past 9pm on a weekend, smoke marijuana (note to prospective employers: JOKING!), and sleep. I also had time to write a 4,000 word screed on idiotic football games each week. Since no major media outlet has yet stepped up to the plate to foot the bill for my 4,000 word weekly poop joke, I just haven't made the time to do it yet (ha ha - he said "do it!") (yes, I am so out of touch that Beavis and Butthead is what passes for cultural references for me now).

So, without further ado, POOOOOP!!!, I bring you the Sadly Abbreviated Version Of Around The NFL With Matty (Sadly Abbreviated Version) (SAVOATNFLWM(SAV)).

But first, a word from our sponsors. SAVOATNFLWM(SAV) is brought to you by:

God, playing cruel jokes on humanity since 14,000 BC

and by

Atheism, a belief system for those who have denounced Catholicism but still insist on being miserable.

And now, to the picks!

But first, with deference to the Man, these picks are not intended to cure or prevent STDs. No, you're thinking of the Rhythm Method.

Houston @ Tennessee
-What happens if THE OILERS RETURN TO HOUSTON AND... nobody cares?
-Matt Schaub only half Jewish, so he will play football on the sabbath, but not well.
Pick: Tennessee

New Orleans @ Philadelphia
-$100 says Chris Berman uses Kevin "Corn On The" Kolb on NFL Countdown after this game
-Eagles playbook printed not on paper, but on corndogs.
Pick: New Orleans

Arizona @ Jacksonville
-Kurt Warner's Enduring Lesson #1: Fame and wealth might not get you a cute wife, but they'll get you enough money that you can surgically alter the one you have.
Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland @ Kansas City
-Raiders so enjoying the 70's that owner Al Davis still wearing "flower power" cock ring and tie-died codpiece.
Pick: Kansas City

Cincinnati at Green Bay
-In battle of Cheese versus Chili, chili melts cheese, but in battle of Good Football Team versus Lousy Football Team, Good melts Lousy. Also, Chad Ochocinco is a cretin.
Pick: Green Bay

Minnesota at Detroit
-Matt Millen watching season from afar with tear on his cheek and slight smile of pride. Millen was overheard to say, "My baby all growns up."
Pick: Minnesota

St. Louis @ Washington
-Redskins head coach Jim Zorn to take offense 'out of the garage', 'change the oil', 'put some air in the tires', 'change the sparkplugs', 'put some gas in the engine', 'notice game is over' and 'lose'.
Pick: Redskins

New England @ New York Jets
-Defensive tactics aren't only aspect where Rex Ryan takes after father Buddy: Rex also has over 250 undigested hot dogs in his colon.
Pick: Patriots

Carolina @ Atlanta
-After last week's performance Jake Delhomme went home and tried to have sex with his wife but somehow the seamen ended up in his dog's anus. His wife has benched him.
Pick: Atlanta

Tampa @ Buffalo
-Terrel Owens seen practicing driveway pushups for inevitable Bills meltdown
-Bills:Pro Football::Poop:Cookies
Pick: Buffalo

Seattle @ San Francisco
-49ers enjoying 'off decade'
-Former head coach Mike Holmgren still sleeping at Seahawks offices 'until he gets back on his feet'.
Pick: Seattle

Baltimore @ San Diego
-In pre-game speech to players before big game, Norv Turner was overheard using the words, "pretty please."
-Doctors tell Ray Lewis he risks being confined to a wheelchair after his playing days if he continues to do pre-game dance.
Pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh @ Chicago
-Steelers might be forced to forfeit game due to abnormally large air traffic at O'Hare.
Pick: Chicago

Cleveland @ Denver
-Kyle Orton to terrify Browns defense with neck beard
-Cleveland's QB situation reminiscent of France's situation in WWII: not very good
Pick: Denver

NY Giants @ Dallas
-Just to spite NFL, Jerry Jones planning to lower massive scoreboard to field level.
-Eli Manning plans to continue being most overpaid quarterback in NFL history. "I'm just gunna to do what the good Lord plans for me," said Manning. "If that's be'n the most overpaid and the most over rated quarterback ever, well then, that's what I'm gunna do."
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis @ Miami
-Jason Taylor glad to be out of Washington because now he can stop sucking.
Pick: Indianapolis

Next Week: I break the world land speed record with only a stick of butter, a rusty tricycle, and a goat! Stay tuned!
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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Playing Chicken with a Brick Wall Never Works Out Very Well.



So I'm perusing every job board the InterNutz has to offer and what do I come across but this:

"BASKETBALL LOVERS REJOICE!
National Basketball Association currently seeks 25-45 year-old males (and a few token females) for the position of referee. Salary compensatory with experience. Excellent benefits. Must be able to travel and handle stressful work environment. Please fax resume to NBA League Office or attend the upcoming NBA Referee School. For more information, call 800-SAL-VATR."

Huh? Hey - I like basketball. I know the rules. I can run up and down the court faster than Dick Bavetta or Violet Palmer. Hooray!

Well, there is an element of truth to this. The NBA is, in fact, holding a developmental camp for young referees as it was announced today by the lead negotiator and spokesman for the NBA's referees union that a lockout appears "imminent and unavoidable" following the latest breakdown in talks.

Could the timing of the refs bowing up to the league come at a worse time? In a time where half the people I know are out of work, and only a few days after the entire Miami Heat front office takes a voluntary 20% pay cut in order to avoid a rash of layoffs among their staff, the freaking NBA referees association feels the need to ask for more.

Newsflash! No one pays a single fucking red cent to watch you ref a game you fucking arrogant assjacks!

I understand that the refs and the league have agreed on salary issues, but are hung up on retirement benefits. And this line made me laugh out loud when I read it:

Besides the severance and pension disagreements, the officials are resisting a league development plan for young officials.

How does this even make a shred of sense? Damn near every official in the league is either past retirement age or within shouting distance of 65. Who the hell do they think they are to "resist" the league making efforts to cultivate their replacements? Are they such a master species that they feel they are irreplaceable or will live forever? "Do not fuck with us Stern? We are invincible!"

I just wish I was a fly on the wall during these "negotiations."

Ref rep: "David [Stern], we appreciate your agreeing to our salary request. We would like you to recognize that the union has also given the league $1 million in additional concessions as a measure of good faith in moving closer to our other retirement benefits needs."

Stern: "Meh."

Ref rep: " Do you honestly think that you will be able to spin this story to your fan base when the season opens with young referees who are unable to control the players? We urge you to reconsider your position."

Stern (to his assistant): "How much longer do we have this room for? When can we leave?"

Ref rep: "David, please. Have you considered our proposal."

Stern: "Absolutely not. You gaggle of geriatric dopes have embarrassed me and the league for the last time. I'm fixin' to go all "Reagan - air traffic controllers" on all of your asses. Latest polls have shown that the vast majority of season ticket holders can't even name a single ref, and 70% of them think they can do the job better than any of you. You're all dead to me unless you accept all of my conditions. Otherwise...see you at Luby's."

What are NBA refs known for? The Tim Donaghy scandal. Bennett Salvatore raping the Mavericks in 2006. Joey Crawford's feud with Tim Duncan. Dick Bavetta losing a running race to a whale during halftime of the All Star game. People bring up the 1995 season which the season opened with replacement refs while the regular refs held out and the new refs were widely panned. Stern and his boys won't let that happen again so they are getting camps together to hone the chops of the younger refs. Once the old guys start missing a couple prescriptions and massages, they'll put their tails between their legs and come limping back to the bargaining table. Stern doesn't ever show weakness.

The 2009-2010 NBA Season: Where Irrelevancy Doesn't Get You Shit.



In other news, if you're in the DFW area this SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Sept. 20, check this out! I can't stop laughing. "No athletic wear allowed!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

2005 Prospect Review: 50-41

So I had this long introduction to this piece, but it was stupid, so, instead, this: with the pennant races essentially over, let's all go back in time, all the way to the year 2005 and take a look at the big up-and-coming baseball players at that time.

I hold in my hand a copy of the 2005 edition of Baseball Prospectus. Inside, it contains a list of the Top 50 prospects in baseball entering the 2005 season. Lets take a listen!

I should probably note that this list was compiled before noted prospect guru Kevin Goldstein joined Baseball Prospectus, so he had nothing to do with it (to my knowledge). The list is credited to Rany Jazayerli, who is still an occasional contributor to Baseball Prospectus, but mostly is a pediatrician who writes the excellent Rany On The Royals blog (from his mother’s basement, of course).

I’m going to start at number fifty, and I’ll list the players just as they are listed in the book in terms of position, team, etc. The notes below that listing will be my own.

On to the list! [I should note that I compiled this list about a month or so ago, so the stats are about that far out of date.]


49. (tie) Dustin Pedroia, SS, Boston Red Sox – Pedroia had just been drafted, so the fact that he appeared on this list at all is pretty impressive. Further, he was a second round pick, and it’s not often that a guy picked in the second round would make a list like this right out of the draft. As you probably know, Pedroia is the reigning AL MVP. He also won the Rookie of the Year in 2007 and was the starting second baseman on the World Series champs that year. Yeah, he’s doing alright so far.
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49. (tie) Mitch Einertson, OF, Houston Astros – Einertson is still playing in the Astros minor league system, though in six years he hasn’t yet made it past AA ball. He’s currently repeating AA at Corpus Cristi in the Texas League, and he’s got an .710 OPS, so he’ll likely be back in AA ball next season if he isn’t released.
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48. Josh Willingham, C/1B Florida Marlins – Willingham never did fit in at catcher, which is a shame, because if he had managed to master the position we might be talking about one of the better offensive catchers in baseball. Instead, he was moved to the outfield, where he hit well, though again his defensive numbers were nothing to write home about. Then last off season he was traded from Florida to Washington in a cost cutting move. He’s blossomed in DC, where he’s having a great season with the bat, OPSing 1.003. That would be third in the National League if he had enough at-bats to qualify.
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47. Kyle Davies, P, Atlanta Braves – Davies made it to the majors as a starter for the Braves in 2005, posting a 4.93 ERA while winning 7 games. Pretty good for a 21 year old. Well, that’s been about as well as he’s done. He started 14 games for the Braves in ’06 while spending some time in the minors with mixed results and was summarily traded to the KC Royals for reliever Octavio Dotel. He’s been an acceptable starter in KC, but nothing other than a back of the rotation starter. He could still turn into something more as he’s only 25, but probably not.
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46. Jason Kubel, OF, Minnesota Twins – Kubel has been one of three good hitters on the Twins over the past few years, and after this season will likely be the only of the three without an MVP award. Kubel is in his age 27 season, so he’s at his peak, and his peak so far this year has been quite good. He’s hitting .311, has 20 homers, and an impressively high OPS of .929, which is 48% above the average for his position (OPS+ of 148). I honestly had no idea Kubel was this good.
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45. Edwin Jackson, P, LA Dodgers – Jackson was the top pitcher on the BP list in ’04 but fell to 45th in ’05 due to injuries and struggles at the major league level. Those struggles pretty much continued for the next four years, which resulted in Jackson being traded first to Tampa and then to Detroit. It finally all clicked this year for Jackson and he’s been one of the best pitchers in the American League, posting a ridiculously low 2.85 ERA (almost two full runs below his career ERA of 4.56) and making the All-Star team. Jackson probably isn’t this good, but there’s no question the Dodgers and Rays are regretting getting rid of him now.
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44. Brian McCann, C, Atlanta Braves – McCann has established himself as the best catcher in baseball, non-Joe Mauer division. He’s the cornerstone of the Braves franchise and there are 29 GMs that would give their left nut to have him on their roster. If this list were rewritten, McCann would likely move up about 40 or so spots.
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43. Jesse Crain, RP, Minnesota Twins – Crain has been in the majors since ’04 throwing about 300 total innings out of the Twins bullpen. During that time he’s struck out 187 guys, which isn’t that impressive. He’s also walked 16 and given up 27 homers. Let me repeat that: he’s walked 16 in about 300 innings. That’s amazing. He’s not a great relief pitcher like penmate Joe Nathan, but as long as he stays stingy with the walks he should be a fixture at the back of the Twins pen.
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42. Joe Blanton, P, Oakland A’s – At this point I thought we’d have come across a lot more “Who the fuck is that? guys, but Blanton is another “I know that guy” guy, if not an All Star. Blanton has develped into a younger, slightly better Paul Byrd: a guy who will get you innings with a pitch-to-contact style, and hold the fort down in the rotation but you probably don’t want him to be the guy you’re really depending on in a big situation. Still, he’s an asset not a detriment, as his participation in last year’s World Series Champion Philadelphia Phillies attests.
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41. Guillermo Quiroz, C, Toronto Blue Jays – Quiroz has turned into such a great catcher that last off season the Blue Jays traded for Gerald Laird. Actually, Quiroz isn’t even in the Toronto organization anymore. Shortly after hitting .194 for the ’05 Jays, Quiroz was waived by the Blue Jays and was claimed by Seattle. He then hit .000 (in two at-bats) for the Mariners in ’06 and was released outright. The Texas Rangers picked him up, where he hit .400. Yes, .400. But in 11 plate appearances. He was released again, and signed by the Orioles, and then released again and is now in the Mariners organization. Again. Needless to say, he’s a non-entity.
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Next: I bake a souffle and go through 40-31 at the same time! Stay tuned!
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Thursday, September 17, 2009

What A Long Strange Inning It Was: The Angels Get Screwed And Screw Themselves

Image from the Boston Globe

When the Red Sox and the Angels get together, well, the Red Sox usually win. Or they seem to when it matters, at least. But last night was not one of those games. With both teams steamrolling towards playoff berths, it wasn't a must win for either side. But we'll get to context later. The game itself was a wild one at Fenway Park, with the Red Sox blowing a 5-3 lead and the Angels blowing leads of 3-0, 7-5, and 8-7, the last of which was the score going into the bottom of the ninth.

The ninth began with Angels closer Brian Fuentes getting Jason Bay and Mike Lowell out on five total pitches. Lowell hit a shot, but right at center fielder Torii Hunter. It would be the hardest hit ball of the inning.

With two down and nobody on, the fun started. Fuentes threw four straight sliders out of the strike zone to David Ortiz. Then with Joey Gaithright pinch running for Ortiz, the Angels went into a shift for JD Drew. After a taking a few, Drew fought off an inside pitch into short right center field that just eluded shortstop Eric Aybar who was to the right of second base.

With men on first and second, pinch hitter Jed Lowrie grounded a ball right down the left field line that third baseman Chone Figgins dove to knock down. It rolled away from him and the bases were loaded. That's when the proverbial shit really hit the fan.

Up stepped pinch hitter Nick Green, who revealed after the game that his right knee was so injured he had trouble standing up. Green swung through the first two pitches and fouled a few off. Then on the fifth pitch, he checked his swing. The Angels thought he had swung. He didn't break his wrists and if he broke the plane of the front of the plate it was by about an inch, but it was close enough that it could have been called either way. It was called ball one.

Green worked the count full and then took this pitch at the knees:


The pitch zone at the bottom right of the picture shows where the pitch is in the strikezone. I tend to think those things are a bit low, but you can see where the catcher's glove is too. One way or the other it was probably a strike. The plate umpire thought it was low and called it a ball. Ball four, and the tying run walked home.

Here is a screengrab of MLB's Gamecast. You can see pitch number nine in green right at the bottom of the strike zone:



It's a tough call to have go against you, but it didn't cost them the game. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the action.

With the game tied, up steps Alex Gonzalez. Gonzalez hits a flair into left field and it falls in front of left fielder Juan Rivera. Lowrie scores and the Red Sox win.

The strange thing about that play, aside from the fact that it was the third time on base for Gonzalez, a guy with a sub-.300 on base percentage, was the way that Rivera in left field loafed after the ball with the game on the line.

In the above Gamecast screengrab, you can see the red dot down the left field line in the bottom left of the image. That's where Gonzalez's hit landed. It was a pretty high pop too, and when it was hit it was no sure single. It looked at the time and was confirmed on replay that Rivera just gave up on the ball well before he should have. It landed right in front of him, I mean inches away. He picked it up as it was coming off the first bounce. With the game on the line and the losing run literally crossing the plate, he made zero effort to catch the ball. Strange.

Stranger still was the Angels collective reaction. I didn't find anything from anyone about Rivera's lack of effort. Instead, the Angels went after just about everyone else. They don't appear to teach any of the usual 'they're a good team and it's a tough loss, but we'll get 'em tomorrow' platitudes in Anaheim. Instead, Brian Fuentes who walked Ortiz and gave up legitimate hits to Drew and Lowrie, was furious at the umpires. "We're out there playing our hearts out," Fuentes said. "It's obviously emotional for both teams, and to have it taken away from you like that is discouraging. It's frustrating, especially here and in other places where they seem a little timid to make a call. It just seems like that's the way it is here, time and time again."

According to the same article, yesterday was Fuentes third career game at Fenway Park, so how he can make the determination that umpires call games differently at Fenway than other parks I have no idea. Also the idea that a single ball or strike call determined the game may be true on a literal level, but that's never really the case. There were too many pitches thrown in the whole game, let alone the ninth for that to be the case and a veteran pitcher like Fuentes should know that.

But the complaining didn't stop there. Center fielder Torii Hunter went a step further, calling his teammates gutless. Even Manager Mike Scioscia got into the act, saying the count to Green at the end of his at-bat was, "3-4", a reference to the check swing as well as the final pitch of the at-bat.

All this was on the heels of the Angels loss to the Red Sox on Tuesday, after which losing pitcher John Lackey called out his teammates after two costly errors - one of which he committed himself - saying the offense had to score more runs.

Keep in mind the context here. This is not a team struggling to make the post season in a situation where every game is a must-win. No, this is a first place team with a six game lead and seventeen games to go. For all intents and purposes, they're in the playoffs. This game didn't really matter, and neither did Tuesday night's.

For all the credit the Angels get, and they get a whole lot of credit - ESPN's TV announcers last night were falling all over themselves saying what a great fielding and smartly coached team the Angels are - when ever they encounter any turbulence they start attacking each other.

This isn't the only time this has happened. Last year in the playoffs after the very first game of the series, a 4-1 loss, starting pitcher John Lackey (sensing a theme here?) called out his offense, saying "It's pretty frustrating when one pitch can lose the game for you. You've got to find a way to score runs in the postseason. You face good pitching every night [in the post-season]."

I understand it's the heat of battle, these guys care, blah blah blah. But there's a curious lack of understanding regarding the context the team is in. It's a strange reaction from a team that should be concerned with preparing for games that matter, not over reacting to ones that don't.
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Your Weekly MLB Playoff Update: I Give You What You Don't Want

The great Dustin Pedroia towers over things like ants, grass, and camera people who lay on the ground.

Time to check up on the eight playoffs slots up for bid:

NL East: The Phils have been faltering a bit lately, due in part to Manager Charlie Manuel's insistence on using All Time Arsonist Brad Lidge to Hindenburg his team's division title hopes. It's a tribute to the rest of the team as well as the tremendous job of mismanagement they've done up in Flushing that Philadelphia is still seven games up on the Marlins and 7.5 up on Atlanta. Coolstandings.com puts their division title hopes at 97.3%.
Verdict: Phils are in

NL Central: The Cardinals are the most surprising team in all of baseball, to me at least. Did anyone outside of St. Louis think this team could win 93 games? I mean Albert Pujols is good, but he can't pitch too, can he? Well, no, but somehow he managed to re-teach Joel Pineiro how to pitch, not to mention performing successful surgery on Chris Carpenter. This is the only logical explanation I can come up with for the fact that the Cardinals lead the Central division by 8.5 games over what turns out to be a decidedly mediocre Cubs team. Coolstandings.com says 99.4%, I say 100%. Potato, potato.
Verdict: Cardinals are in

NL West: This is as close a division race as the NL has to offer. The Dodgers lead the Rockies by five games after coasting for the past three months. Making this slightly interesting is the fact that the Dodgers actually finish their season with three games in LA versus the Rockies. It will be an interesting series if the Dodgers lead drops to three games or fewer, but that's hardly guaranteed to happen. Coolstandings.com gives the Dodgers a 97.9% chance to win the division. Why so high? A five game lead with 16 games left is huge, especially when nine of those games come against the Nationals, Padres and Pirates.
Verdict: Dodgers are in (probably)

NL Wild Card: This is where it's (semi) close. The Rockies lead the Giants by 2.5 games (2 in the loss column) and the Marlins by 4.5 (4 in the loss column). Sadly for San Francisco, the Giants last shot at the Rockies is tonight (Matt Cain versus Jorge De La Rosa). With only 15 games left after tonight, there's a massive difference between a 1.5 game lead and a 3.5 game lead. Tonight's game is playoff huge and will go a long way to deciding the Wild Card winner.
Verdict: Rockies probably, but that could change depending on tonight's game.

AL East: With 16 games to play the Yankees hold a 6.5 game lead over the Red Sox. Done, right? Well, probably. The Red Sox have 19 more games play while the Yankees have only 16, making the difference in the loss column for the two teams only 5 games.

Remember when I said a five game lead is huge? Well, it's still huge. But it's not as huge when the two teams are playing three more head-to-head games as well. Granted, those games are in New York, where the Yankees hit like they've got nine Babe Ruths in the lineup, but with the way the Red Sox are playing, not to mention the mediocre-at-best level of competition they've got remaining on their schedule (Baltimore, KC, Toronto, and Cleveland remain), well, it's probably over. But stranger things have happened. Coolstandings.com says the Yankees are 96.2% to win the division.
Verdict: Yankees, buuut...

AL Central: Detroit has only a 4.5 game lead over the ever-pesky Twins. That's still a big lead, right? Well, yes, but the Twins play Detroit seven more times over their last 17 games. That's crazy. Unless the Twins get really hot though, it probably won't matter. Losing Justin Morneau for the season can't help. Coolstandings.com gives the Tigers 79.7% to win the division, and 14.1% for Minnesota. So, where is the other 6.2%? The White Sox and their sub-.500 record, that's where.
Verdict: Dah, probably Detroit

AL West: The Angels have been trying to bring Texas back into the race, but the Rangers, as Snizza recently put it, have turned back into themselves. Six games back with 18 to go? It can be done, but I wouldn't put any money on it. Neither would Coolstandings.com, which gives the Rangers only a 6.6% shot at the division.
Verdict: Angels

AL Wild Card: The Red Sox recent hot streak (their pitching staff has a 0.83 ERA in over the last 11 games) has come very close to closing the book on this race. At one point the Rangers were within a few games. Now they're 5.5 back, 6 in the loss column. Coolstandings.com gives the Red Sox a 94.1% shot at the Wild Card. The Rangers have a 1.7% chance. The Yankees are at 3.8%, meaning Coolstandings.com thinks it's more likely the Red Sox catch the Yankees and push them into the Wild Card spot than it is the Rangers catch the Red Sox. Doesn't sound good for Texas.
Verdict: Red Sox
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Greatest Fantasy Team Ever Assembled If Your Fantasies Include Getting Kicked In The Nurtz Repeatedly By A Babbon With An Erection

[Warning: Among other things, like swearing, this POOOST!!! contains information about my fantasy football teams. If you, like me, don't give a flying fuck about someone elses fantasy football teams, well, tough shit.]

Here's what a fucking idiot I am: I bothered to enter two, not one, but two fantasy football leagues. Yeah, you read that right. Two. Oh, hello, we haven't met. I'm a total idiot. I enjoy picking football players in fantasy football drafts and then watching them eat spoonful after spoonful of their own shit. Mmm! Delicious shit.

This is what my fantasy football players think on Sundays, "Hey, I'm just sitting here on this beautiful green field eating my own shit with a spoon, and hey! I wonder what those one... two... three... looks like 100,000 people are watching me for. And where did this interestingly shaped ball come from? I have the strangest feeling I am forgetting something. I just can't imagine what it is... mmm...MMM! This sure is some good shit, though."

Both leagues are ten team leagues. In one league I am the lowest scorer. In the other league I am the lowest scorer. The only team that my one team is better than is my other team. This is because I do things like start Santana Moss and then Santana Moss does things like not catch any passes against a Giants defense that isn't starting either of it's top two cornerbacks. This is because Santana Moss hates me. He also hates my family, my cat, the layout of my apartment, the fact that I haven't washed my car in two years, and my imaginary pet goat "Randolph". If we're friends, he hates you too.

My two teams are called the Fucksticks and the Gorillas. I should have called them "I EAT SHIT" and "I HATE MY LIFE."

If you doubled the Gorillas score they would have actually won. If you doubled the size of the collective dildo they jammed into my ass you would alter the earth's gravitational pull. Also, it has studs. They hurt.

The Fucksticks were outscored by their own bench, which not coincidentally is what I would like to hit each of them with. You might find this equal parts funny and pathetic if you played fantasy football, which I would urge you with every ounce of my being not to do.

In conclusion, everyone on my fantasy football teams, please die in a fiery car crash that rolls over and over and over long enough before slamming into a cement wall that you have enough time to shit your pants so much that when the paramedics come to pull you out of the car with jaws of life all they'll see is the inside of a giant shit blender.

Thank you.
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Monday, September 14, 2009

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week 1, Twenty Oh Nine

JASON CAMPBELL CRAWLS AROUND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO LICK HIS ANUS
Photo from The Washington Post



[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's column will appear each week, chronicling the ups and downs of the Redskins season which frequently correspond to the ups and downs of the Reactionary Redskins Fan's marriage. This past week, the Redskins lost their first game to the New York Giants, 23-17.]

FUCKITY FUCK!

IF THAT WAS A FOOTBALL FUCKING GAME THAT THE NEW YORK WRONG SIDE OF THE GLORY HOLE GIANTS JUST PARTICIPATED IN, I'LL FUCK MY OWN SHIT! IN IT'S ASSHOLE!!! THE GIANTS WERE FORCED TO PLAY THEIR FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON AGAINST A TEAM OF GAY GERBILS MORE INTENT ON GAINING ACCESS TO EACH OTHER'S ANUSES THAN THAN GAINING YARDS OR POINTS ON THE FIELD! MAYBE NEXT TIME THE GAY GERBILS COULD THROW ON FIRST DOWN! OR I COULD DRILL A HOLE IN A BRICK AND THEN FUCK IT! EITHER FUCKING WAY!

HOLY SHIT!!


PS. IF THE SKINS LOSE TO THE ASSRAMERS NEXT WEEKEND I'LL RAM MY OWN ASS WITH A LIVE RAM FOLLOWED BY A DODGE RAM FOLLOWED BY THE PLANET MARS! YES, THAT'S RIGHT, IF THE REDSKINS LOSE I WILL SHOVE THE PLANET MARS UP MY OWN ASSHOLE! (please win)

[Note: the opinions of The Reactionary Redskins Fan are his own, and not necessarily those of TOOOAST!!!, blogger.com, The Washington Redskins, or our sponsor, Smelly Smelly Dog Anus, the new snack from Nabisco. Nabisco: Making your life happier!]
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R.I.P. '09 Tampa Rays


You may recall, last year the Tampa Rays had the sheer audacity to not only win the American League Eastern Division thereby keeping the New York Yankees out of the playoffs, but to make the American League Championship Series, and beat Boston in the 7th and deciding game. Such effrontery! Fortunately for all, they were kind enough to get their butts kicked in the World Series by the Philadelphia Phillies, restoring some sense of order (?) and allowing us all to simultaneously sigh in relief.

Still, the Rays returned their entire roster this season, so there was no real reason to think they wouldn't be serious contenders again. Well, things haven't quite worked out as they did last season. Without going into my customary Bunch 'O Stats [(c) Matt Kory, 2007] the year 2009 hasn't been as kind to Tampa as 2008 was.

With yesterday's doubleheader sweep at the hands of the Red Sox (some expensive serendipity there), the Rays find themselves eliminated from the AL East race and 11.5 games behind Boston for the Wild Card. The Rays have lost eleven in a row to drop their record to 72-71 and they are closer to 4th place Toronto than 2nd place Boston, and they're as far out of first place as the Kansas City Royals (19.5 games).

Life in the AL East: two teams played seven games in last year's ALCS, another one dropped $400 million on three players in the hopes of participating this year, and another one has Roy Halladay. Sheesh. It is hard not to look at payroll at a time like this.

While the Yankees were running away with the East, the Red Sox were busy retooling on the fly. They jettisoned John Smoltz ($5 million), Brad Penny ($5 million), and Julio Lugo ($13.5 million) while adding Alex Gonzalez (the Reds are picking up most of his salary) and Victor Martinez (~$3 million). That's throwing $23 million out the door and picking up $3 million more in salary because, a) you have better internal options, and most importantly b) because you can.

The Rays can't do that. Neither can they sign Mark Teixeira, CC Sabathia, and AJ Burnett, or really any one of those guys. In fact, they traded Scott Kazmir, one of their better starters who was due about $15 million through the end of next season, to Anaheim. They did it because they got good value for Kazmir who has experienced a lot of injuries and a downturn in performance, and in an isolation booth it was a good deal for Tampa. But you can't tell me that it was a move the Red Sox or Yankees, or hell, even the Blue Jays would have made. A $100+ million payroll team doesn't make that move because it just doesn't have to.

So was it just the money they were up against that sank the Rays? Well, no, that's not quite accurate either. Money certainly had something to do with it, but that's not the whole story. On field performance played a roll too. Specifically, the Rays bullpen was no where near as lethal as it was last season. Well, it was lethal, but more often to the Rays chances of winning as opposed to the other team.

Beyond that, their hitters took a small step forward collectively while their pitching staff as a whole took a larger step back. Take those small changes, add the way the wind blows, and you get a third place team. So what is Tampa to do?

It's hard to predict the future in anything, and baseball is no different. Even those who spend months buried in spreadsheets still don't do it all that well because there are simply too many variables in play. That said, it is hard to see the Rays getting better next season. Health wasn't really a problem this season, so they won't be getting any players back that will greatly improve their performance. Their pitching staff could improve by improving the bullpen, and certainly they'll focus on that in the off season.

But I keep coming back to their lineup. If you look just at OPS+, this is their lineup (not in order) with OPS+ in parentheses (100 is average, 130 is really good, 70 is not good, etc.):

Navarro (54)
Pena (128)
Zobrist (134)
Bartlett (132)
Longoria (127)
Crawford (107)
Upton (73)
Gross (89)
Burrell (83)

The Rays best hitters were surprisingly Jason Bartlett and Ben Zobrist. Zobrist is younger and has trended up, but he's never put together a season like this before. Maybe he can do it again, but the smart money is on 'probably not'. Prior to this season, Bartlett had never posted an OPS+ above 99, so this probably won't happen again.

Upton is an enigma. He has all the talent in the world, but after his year he's showing a consistent downward trend in performance that goes back three years. It's tough to rely on a guy like that, but the Rays will next season.

The rest of them are what the are. Navarro is probably better than this, but saying any major leaguer is better than a 54 OPS+ is damming with faint praise. If you have better options in the minors or money to spend, you don't tolerate a 54 OPS+ all season long. Of course the Rays had neither, so they had little choice. They did pick up Greg Zaun, so that is something I suppose.

Pena, Crawford, and Longoria are the mainstays of this lineup. All are supremely talented players, but all of them performed very well this year and collectively they are very likely to repeat their performance next season. Nothing wrong with that, but if you're expecting the rest of your lineup to drop off, well, you can see the problem here.

So, while the Rays are scrounging and hoping this off season, the Red Sox and Yankees are going to spend some serious money. The Yankees will have two open spots in their lineup and one or two in their rotation, and don't think those spots aren't worth $100 million a piece. The Red Sox need at least one if not two big bats now that Manny is gone and Big Papi is aging. There's another $200 million or so right there. And that's without even mentioning extensions to Josh Beckett and Derek Jeter. Cha-CHING!

Life in the AL East isn't easy for anyone, but it's especially difficult for the Rays who, if they hope to compete again next season, will need some more good pitching, some more good hitting, and while they're at it, a few magic beans couldn't hurt either.