Monday, August 31, 2009

Here Is No Why

The Grammar Hammer sez: ESPN.com gets tha bozack!

In other news, the Kansas City Chiefs have already cashiered offensive coordinator (and one-time Jerry Jones coaching tactic landfill) Chan Gailey. Todd Haley is now the head coach, offensive coordinator, and quarterbacks coach. He is also "the judge, the jury, and the jailor," and may step on Terrell Owens' injured toe if he sees him at any league functions. This widdle piggie went to market!

In even more news, we now have two NFL teams that play fast and loose with injury disclosure regulations: the New England Patriots and, now, "Patriots West," the Denver Broncos. In last night's game, offensive guard Chris Kuper was carried off the field with what the team called a "lower-extremity injury" (return questionable) and receiver Eddie Royal walked off the field stretching his shoulder with what the team called an "upper-extremity injury" (return questionable). Royal was back out there for the next offensive series; Kuper looks like he may be out of action for a long time.

And by the way... Why does the NFL even pretend to require injury disclosures in the first place? Gambling. (Of which NFL-sanctioned fantasy football is a form.) So why dig in your heels against Delaware sports betting when you're complicit with gambling in other ways?

Note that, despite propaganda to the contrary -- "Mighty Goodell Wins Another Battle Against Delaware Hooligans" -- sports betting in Delaware is far from dead. The leagues have thus far succeeded in their case against single-game bets, but there is a much clearer legal justification for parlay bets. (Delaware is one of the four states that signed up for a waiver of nationwide sports-betting bans in the '70s; the waiver specifically allows parlays but does not specifically allow single-game bets.) So those could still become legal, and you could head on up to the liquor store (now open Sundays!) and drop a sawbuck on the Ravens, the Colts, and the Chargers to cover, so long as they're all tied up in a single bet.

Now back to your regular coverage of the NHL's shooting itself into space...

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

NHL Tries To Pull Proverbial Wool Over Owner's Proverbial Eyes, Proverbially Speaking

You may have heard about the Phoenix Coyotes. Oh, uh, you haven't? They're a Hockey team... yeah, they play in the NHL? Still no...? You know, the league that isn't on TV? The one that isn't mentioned on SportsCenter or the 20 Minute Sports Update on DA FAN. Yeah, that one.

The Phoenix Coyotes are the NHL's Montreal Expos Washington Nationals. Uh, minus the new stadium. And minus the expenditures on players. Also, they know how to spell "Coyotes" in Phoenix. Other than that they're identical. Anyway, the Coyotes are bankrupt. So yeah, they're having some problems.

In 2006, Phoenix was 22nd (of 30) in the league in attendance. They dropped to 24th in '07, 29th in'08, but jumped up to 28th in '09. So, you know, they're making a come back. Also, they're losing crazy amounts of money.

So the Coyotes owner, Jerry Moyes, decided to sell the team. They got an offer of $212.5 million from Canadian billionaire James Balsillie. But Balsille (I assume it's pronounced "Ballsy") made his offer contingent on being allowed to move the team to Hamilton, Ontario, which as many of you know via GoogleMaps, is not in the United States. So the NHL, which stands for 'No way we're pulling teams out of the sunbelt and putting tHem back into canada because that wouLd be like admitting a mistake and we never make mistakes (once we thought we did but we were wrong)', said no.

But, being the magnanimous souls they are, the NHL offered to buy the team (now you get the Expos thing) from owner Jerry Moyes. Now here's where the fun comes in. The NHL offered to buy the team for $140 million. So generous, huh? "Hey, yeah, we're not going to let you take the $212.5 million bucks that the idiot in Canada is offering you, but if you want we'll give you $140 million instead. No word if the NHL would also buy the home of the Coyotes, Jobing.com Stadium, who's name I'm not making up.

Handicapping The AL Wild Card



Full disclosure: I'm a Red Sox fan. Snizza and BMFS live in Dallas. They are Rangers fans (though in BMFS case it's his "American League team").


The baseball season is winding down. The Boston Red Sox are 6 games behind first place New York in the American League East. The Texas Rangers are 5 games behind first place Los Angeles in the West. The AL Central sucks and as such this sentence will be it's only mention in this post.

With about 35 games to go, it's unlikely that the Red Sox catch and pass the Yankees. It is similarly unlikely that the Rangers will do the same to the Angels. One or both could happen, but probably not.

From Commissioner Bud, inventor of the All Star Game Tie, there is an extra playoff slot available to the best remaining team that is not a division leader: this is creatively titled "The Wild Card". Through last night's games, the Red Sox lead in the race for The Wild Card by 2.5 games over the Rangers, and 4 games over the Tampa Rays. The next closest team is Seattle who is 7.5 games back and ain't gonna make up that ground and jump over three teams and thus will no longer be discussed. With a month to go it's the Sox, 'gers and Rays.

Each of these three teams is better at home than on the road. The Rays (42-21) and the Red Sox (42-20) are just slightly better at home than Texas (41-24), which bodes well because of the remaining schedules, the Rangers have five more games on the road than at home:

Rangers: 16 home games, 21 road games
Rays: 18 home games, 18 road games
Red Sox: 19 home games, 17 road games

Here is a little breakdown of the teams hitting, pitching and defense, followed by some enlightening and wang*-raising discussion. It may be easier to look at the league ranking for context:

Boston Red Sox
Hitting: 5.51 runs scored per game (3rd in AL)
Pitching: 4.61 runs allowed per game (3rd in AL)
Defense: .679 defensive efficiency [the rate at which balls in play are converted into outs] (13th in AL)

Tampa Rays
Hitting: 5.20 runs scored per game (5th in AL)
Pitching: 4.55 runs allowed per game (11th in AL)
Defense: .699 defensive efficiency (3rd in AL)

Texas Rangers
Hitting: 4.85 runs scored per game (7th in AL)
Pitching: 4.36 runs allowed per game (1st in AL)
Defense: .704 defensive efficiency (2nd in AL)

The take-away points from this are, a) the Red Sox are the best hitting team of the bunch, b) the Rangers are the best pitching team of the bunch, and c) the Rangers are the best fielding team of the bunch.

One important caveat is strength of schedule, which indicates that the Rangers have faced weaker hitters than either Boston or Tampa. With that in mind, the Red Sox and Rangers pitching looks closer.

Where the Rangers really distinguish themselves is defensively. The Rays big turnaround last season was marked by a massive leap in overall defensive efficiency from last in the AL in 2007 to first in 2008. The Rangers weren't the worst (I don't think) in '08, and they aren't the best in '09, but second best is almost as good.

The value of defense shouldn't be discounted because what is often thought of as pitching is actually defense. This is to say that a good defense makes the pitching staff look much better than it is.

One way to show this is QERA (Quick ERA). QERA is ERA using walks, strikeouts, and ground balls/fly balls ratios because these are the things that pitchers have the most control over. In other words it takes defense out of the equation, more or less. Here are the team QERAs for the AL Wild card contenders by ranking in the AL:

1. Boston...4.25
6. Tampa...4.46
12. Texas...4.80

Looking at this, the defensive efficiency data, and the runs allowed per game tells us that the Red Sox have the best pitching staff of the group, but it's been undermined by their horrible defense. The Rays pitching has been poor even with their good defense, while the Rangers mediocre pitching has been greatly enhanced (copyright Cialis, 2009) by their terrific defense.

While the Rangers and Rays are both good teams, they aren't quite to the level of the Red Sox.** Coolstandings.com and Baseball Prospectus both publish daily post-season odds reports. Cool Standings gives Boston a 59.4% chance to win the Wild Card. Tampa and Texas have 12.7% and 12.1% chances, respectively. BP is on the same page. They give Boston a 61% chance, Tampa a 20% chance, and Texas a 9% chance.

___
*Whats with the pictures, Wang? It's a parking lot!
**In fairness I should point out that Baseball Prospectus's adjusted standings report (which I discussed previously here) shows the Rays as not only four games better than the Red Sox, but the third best team in all of baseball behind the Yankees and Dodgers.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Reviewing The Draft With Actual Numbers: The (foot) Balls League

You may have read BMFS's post on last night's fantasy draft, or considering how much most people give a shit about someone else's fantasy football team, maybe not. In any case, the league manager/president/grand poo bah/goat anus licker Jon put together a post on the league website (which I would link to, but you have to be in the league to access it) which used ESPN's fantasy projections to total the number of points that each of the ten teams in the league are expected to get. The totals ranged from 1599 points for one team to 1410 points for another. Alright, fine. Me. I'm the low man on the totem pole according to the World Wide Leader.

This inspired me to do something similar only with Football Outsiders projections* from their new Football Outsiders Almanac 2009. Putting it together was slightly time consuming, so I only included teams from BMFS, Jon, and myself.

*FO's projections use the standard fantasy football scoring system, which is more or less identical to the system used in (foot)Balls.

And because I can't figure out how to move this damn image and post this below it, I'll just say this hear: Football Outsiders and ESPN don't agree at all.



Gashouse Gorillas (Matty)
Lakewood Landing Strips (BMFS)
Rochester New Yorkers (Jon)

Player FO Points Player FO Points Player FO Points
QB Philip Rivers 297 Tom Brady 323 Carson Palmer 214
QB Brett Favre 150 David Garrad 248 Matt Hasselbeck 259
RB Steve Slaton 210 Pierre Thomas 164 Michael Turner 163
RB Julius Jones 192 Darren McFadden 134 Brian Westbrook 185
RB Jonathan Stewart 145 Cedric Benson 146 Joseph Addai 125
RB Ladell Betts 110 Jamal Lewis 97 Donald Brown 120
RB Brandon Jacobs 201 Jerious Norwood 105 Rachard Mendenhall 139
RB

Fred Jackson 105

WR Dwayne Bowe 172 Andre Johnson 201 Greg Jennings 174
WR Vincent Jackson 165 Marques Colston 174 TJ Houshmandzadeh 156
WR Anthony Gonzalez 161 Donald Driver 139 Roy Williams 146
WR Devin Hester 116 Torry Holt 149 Antonio Bryant 130
WR Ted Ginn Jr. 136

Laveranues Coles 102
WR Derrick Mason 149



TE Owen Daniels 105 Jason Witten 128 John Carlson 82
TE

Heath Miller 71 Kevin Boss 64
D/ST Chargers 134 Patriots 112 Bears 140
K Mason Crosby 110 Steven Gostkowski 141 Rob Bironas 116
TOTAL POINTS
2553
2437
2315

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fantasy Quagmire: The (foot)Balls League

Matty and I have already completed a fantasy football draft; many thanks to commissioner Jon Stover for scheduling the draft plenty early so that half my team can shred its ACLs before the season even starts.

The (foot)Balls league is a standard 10-teamer with 16-man rosters and no unusual scoring quirks. When Matty finally started playing fantasy football 3 years ago, this was the league he and I played in.

Because there is a veritable swamp of freely available talent in the (foot)Balls league -- 160 total players drafted, versus 228 in the 12-teamer described below -- you can remake on a dime the horseshit squad you may have drafted. I tried to let this fact guide my draft strategy this season -- in at least a couple of roster spots, I needed to have such an advantage that you could "waiver up" this season's versions of Matt Ryan and Lance Moore and I'd still kick your behind.

(The three of us here at T!!! don't play in a league together, by the way -- I play in one with Matty and another with Snizza. The latter is a 12-team, deep-roster money league with oddball scoring and an in-person draft replete with outlandish levels of shit-talking. It is so goddamn important, in fact, that we have a separate draft lottery well in advance of the draft. The lottery is tomorrow.)

And if the roster of team names is any clue, it really is a training-wheels league:

Rochester New Yorkers
Jon's Mom Momma MILF

Team Kriger

Kicker Settings Still Suck

Orange Elephant On My Bookcase
Spanish Monkey Attack

Team FRANK

Soapy's Comeback

Fail Fail Fail Fail Nutz Fail Big Red Clown Nose Fail Fail Epic Fucking Fail.

Ugh. Let's just look at mine and Matty's teams.

Gashouse Gorillas (Matty)
QB Philip Rivers, SD
RB Brandon Jacobs, NYG

RB Steve Slaton, Hou

FLX Julius Jones, Sea RB

WR Dwayne Bowe, KC

WR Vincent Jackson, SD

TE Owen Daniels, Hou

D/ST Chargers

K Mason Crosby, GB
Bench Jonathan Stewart, Car RB
Bench Anthony Gonzalez, Ind WR

Bench Devin Hester, Chi WR

Bench Ted Ginn Jr., Mia WR

Bench Derrick Mason, Bal WR

Bench Brett Favre, Min QB
Bench Ladell Betts, Was RB


Drafting 9/10, Matty started out with Jacobs/Slaton, then Bowe/Rivers. Bowe was the best available WR at the time (see below), but he took Rivers over Rodgers, which I wouldn't have done. At least Rivers will be good enough that the Gorillas won't have to plug Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, in there except for Rivers's bye week.

Jonathan Stewart has a chronic Achilles tendon injury and is stuck behind D'Angelo Williams, who I believe is a top-5 RB, so I think he'll end up on waivers shortly. Ditto for Betts unless Kid Bro Sweets is injured early in the season. I love Mason and Gonzalez on the bench -- that's great insurance in case Bowe stalls out in the new offense or Jackson continues to undershoot his potential. I also like Daniels, Crosby, and the Chargers D.

Lakewood Landing Strips (BMFS)
QB Tom Brady, NE

RB Pierre Thomas, NO
RB Darren McFadden, Oak

FLX Cedric Benson, Cin

WR Andre Johnson, Hou

WR Marques Colston, NO

TE Jason Witten, Dal

D/ST Patriots

K Stephen Gostkowski, NE

Bench Jamal Lewis, Cle RB

Bench Donald Driver, GB WR
Bench Torry Holt, Jac WR

Bench Fred Jackson, Buf RB

Bench Jerious Norwood, Atl RB

Bench David Garrard, Jac QB

Bench Heath Miller, Pit TE


As I said earlier, I felt I needed to set myself apart from those who may succeed by picking up freely available talent -- I tried to do this by drafting Brady in the first round (picking 8/10), then going WR-WR with Johnson in the second and Colston in the third, with the pick before Matty took Bowe. This left me with what Stover called the worst starting RBs in the league. Well, yeah, but I've got Tom Fucking Brady and a crop of WRs good enough to start one in the flex instead of an RB.

(And who is Fred Jackson, you ask? He's Buffalo's starting RB while Marshawn Lynch is serving his 3-game suspension at the beginning of the season, and perhaps longer -- Lynch is looking like every bit the overrated knucklehead his predecessor in Buffalo was.)

And like every running back in NFL history who ever carried the football more than 370 times in a season except Eric Dickerson,* Stover's boy Michael Turner is gonna get hurt the following -- this -- season. I have already told him to prepare an offer for Norwood, his 5-yards-a-carry backup.

*Recent casualties: Jamal Anderson, Terrell Davis, Priest Holmes, Jamal Lewis (2000-yard season in BAL), Shaun Alexander, Curtis Martin, Larry Johnson. All either got hurt, saw their yards per carry drop by more than a full yard, or both. Or in Lewis' case, went to prison as well.

Like Matty's bargain-basement RB Julius Jones, Cedric Benson and Jamal Lewis can't possibly excite you as a fantasy owner. But all three guys are clear number ones on their teams' depth charts and don't have anyone obvious who'll squat on their goal-line carries. You can spend a first- (or second-) rounder on a fresher-smelling RB, but you won't get the likes of Brady (or Colston) if you do.

Feedback on our rosters is encouraged.

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[I Don't Know] > Jose Contreras


In 2003 the Red Sox tried to sign Jose Contreras. Thank god they didn't. The Yankees got him instead, and rewarded him with a 4 year, $32 million contract. He rewarded them by sucking eggs, although he wasn't bad enough for George Steinbrenner to call him a Fat Pussy Toad*.

So the Yankees dumped him on the Chicago White Sox, where he pitched well enough to land a 3 year, $29 million extension and horribly enough to make everyone wish he hadn't.

But after last night's performance, we may have come to the end of the Jose Contreras era in Chicago.

Heading into the bottom of the third inning in Boston, the White Sox are winning 4-1. Contreras is facing 9-1-2 in the Red Sox order. Here's what happened:

9. Alex Gonzalez singles on weak grounder up the middle
1. Jacoby Ellsbury flies out (1 out)
2. Dustin Pedroia pops up (2 outs)
3. On a full count, Victor Martinez walks (Gonzalez to second)
4. On 0-2 pitch, Kevin Youkilis hit by pitch (bases loaded)

This sets the stage for David Ortiz. Contreras misses badly on the first three pitches. With the count at 3-0 but Sox announcers say they'd let Ortiz swing away. The Red Sox agree, and Ortiz does swing away. He hits a weak grounder along the first base line. Ortiz, a slow runner anyway, perfunctorily jogs towards first base. First baseman Paul Konerko comes in to field the grounder. He has enough time to scoop the ball up and tag Ortiz or turn and tag first base. In either case, the inning is over.

Enter Contreras!

Seeing the easy grounder and the end of the inning it promised, Contreras decided to perform the Dance Of How Not To Field A Ball While Bring Shame And Humiliation On Your Family Name For Generations To Come Which Would Make A Retarded Kid Wince.

Step one: Sprint over from the mound like fire ants are eating your anus.

Step two: Prevent everyone from fielding the ball by knocking it away with your glove.

Step three: Almost fall on your face.

Seeing all this, Ortiz picks up speed relatively speaking and crosses first while the entire White Sox dugout beings to fight over the lone spork with which to stab themselves in the eyes.

So, let's review! Contreras a) handed the Red Sox a run, b) kept the inning going by reloading the bases, c) looked like a complete fool, and d) compounded the whole thing by coming completely unhinged.

The rest of the inning reads like something out of the keystone cops:

6. Jason Bay walks on five pitches (Victor Martinez scores, bases still loaded, 4-3 Chicago)
[Contreras throws a wild pitch (Youkilis scores, 4-4)]
7. Mike Lowell homers over the entire state of Massachusetts (everyone scores, 7-4 Boston)

You can see it all here.

All of this led to White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen saying the following to reporters after the game (from the Chicago Sun-Times):

Jose is going to be in the bullpen, and I don't know who is starting in his spot. We are in the position right now where we can't continue to handle guys and hope they get it done. I think enough is enough.


I guess he could have said, "Jose sucks and I hate him" but I prefer the insinuation that the White Sox are better off with anyone in the world other than Jose Contreras on the mound.

___

*If you google "Fat Toad" the first page you get is Hideki Irabu's wikipedia page. Just wonderful.
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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Why The Rangers Are Better Than The Angels Or Fun With Adjusted Standings


Over time, baseball analysts far smarter than I (which pretty much includes everyone ever) have developed better ways to analyze the quality of a team than just a win-loss record. Sure, the team's record is what they are judged on, but as a predictor, it just isn't all it's cracked up to be. The reason for this is there are many things that go into a team's record and by breaking it down into smaller parts, an analyst can learn more about the underlying quality of that team.

Without thinking too much about it you'd expect a team that wins 100 games to score lots of runs and not allow very many, and this is correct. So, the first break down is doing away with wins and losses and looking only at runs scored and runs allowed. The theory is teams are always trying to score runs and always attempting to prevent them, so the more runs they score and the fewer they allow, the better they must be. This is called First Order Wins.

For a real world example, take last season's 100 win Anaheim Angels team. To many analysts in the mass media, the Angels were the best team in the American League going into the playoffs because they won the most games of any American League team during the regular season.

But looking slightly deeper at the '08 Angels reveals something different than expected. They scored just 4.7 runs per game while allowing 4.3. There isn't a big difference between those two numbers, certainly not the big difference you'd expect from a 100 win team. In fact, despite winning 100 games, the Angels had hit and pitched like an 88-74 team. And sure enough, in the playoffs, they played like it, losing in the first round.

The '08 Angels are significant because they outplayed their expected record by 12 games, a huge amount. They are the tale of putting too much weight on a team's record when their runs scored/runs allowed totals or first order wins tells you otherwise.

Variances like the '08 Angels tend to even out the next season, so you'd expect the '09 Angels record to be more in line with their runs scored/runs allowed totals.

And indeed they are. The Angels have scored 5.8 runs per game this year while allowing 5.1. This works out to an expected record of 68-53, only five fewer than the Angels actual record of 74-47. By first order record, the Angels have won five more games than you'd expect. By first order wins, this year's Angels are a good team playing like a very good team, rather than a good team playing like a great team.

However, that isn't the whole story. First order record comes from runs scored and runs allowed, but you can break it down even further to get a more complete picture of actual team quality through equivalent runs. Equivalent runs are singles, walks, sacrifices, etc; everything that goes into scoring a run.

The theory goes thusly: each hitter that reaches base is worth some percentage of a run. This is a run equivalent. It is smaller for a single with nobody on and two outs, and larger for a triple to lead off an inning, but each hit has an expected value in runs. First order standings tells us that each run has a value in wins, so you can see that with some math, you can get from run equivalents to wins. This is second order record.

The intricacies can get much more complicated than I'm capable of understanding let alone explaining, but basically, if you do the math (or have it done for you), according to their second order record, the '09 Angels have played like a team with a 62-59 record. This is a far cry from their actual record of 74-47. Second order record is telling us that the Angels aren't as good as their record appears. Again. In fact, they're really almost a .500 team.

The Texas Rangers second order record is 65-56 team, which is slightly worse than their actual record of 68-54, but much better than the Angels. By second order record, the Rangers are three games better than the Angels.

(You can take this a step further even and apply strength of schedule to the second order standings creating third order standings. The Angels net a win in the process, but that doesn't change the over all picture.)

All of this is an academic exercise of course. The Rangers are 6.5 games behind the Angels no matter how much you break down each team's performance. Still, it's interesting to know that despite the difference in the standings, the teams are probably much more closely matched than you might think.*

___

*And for those of you wondering how the Rangers stack up to their competition for the AL Wild Card, the Red Sox third order record puts them at 72-50, which would be 6 games ahead of the Rangers.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Time For Robot Umpires Has Come


Nobody would deny the job of major league umpire is a difficult one. You have to make split second decisions about flying arms and legs and judge 95 mph baseballs within inches. Even though most calls are correct, it's easy to end up making the wrong call. And in some instances, one wrong call can irreparably alter the outcome of the game.

So what is the solution? While I don't advocate turning baseball into the NFL with flag throwing managers challenging calls in between spits of tobacco juice, a better future lies in allowing technology to make the correct calls. Baseball is already moving in that direction now with instant replay on disputed home run calls. Many calls have already been overturned on replay, as they should have been so, limited as it is, the system is working.

The next step to more perfect umpiring is robots calling balls and strikes at home plate. I don't mean actual robots would stand behind the plate in place of an umpire; a computer would determine if the pitch passed through the strike zone or not and would alert the home plate umpire to the correct call. While this may sound pie-in-the-sky, a system exactly like this already exists. It's called PitchFx, it's installed in all ballparks, and it's revolutionizing the way that teams, the media (if they're actually paying attention), and fans can study and learn about baseball. (If you're curious, you can check it out here.)

I got to thinking about all this after watching yesterday's Red Sox game in Toronto. Jon Lester was starting for Boston, and he has developed into one of the leading strikeout pitchers in baseball this year, averaging around ten per nine innings pitched. But last night Lester struck out five in eight innings, much less than you'd think. I turn you over to Sons of Sam Horn commenter Eric Van:

You might be wondering how a guy with such a terrific K [Lester] rate can be so dominating as he was last night -- and only fan 5 and walk 2. Here's how: you get the opposition to take 31 pitches in the strike zone, and you have the home plate umpire call 15 of them strikes and 16 of them balls. [...]

The more I look at pitch/fx strike zone data, the more I want to vomit when people insist that the "human element" of a random umpire's subjectivity (and half the time, incompetence) is preferable to a hypothetical automated, accurate system.

I watched the game last night and had a similar (though less eloquent) response. I chose this example not to prove that the Red Sox are getting hosed; on the contrary, I'm sure they aren't victimized any more than any other team is. But why should any team have to put up with the possibility that an umpire will accidentally steal a game from them?

Here is Jon Lester's second walk of the night, Jose Bautista's second inning at bat (the numbers next to the dots are the order in which the pitches were thrown):


Right away you can see that in one at bat the umpire called two pitches incorrectly. The first pitch was in the strike zone (barely) but was called a ball, and the fourth pitch was called a strike even though it was about 6" inside. You might ask, didn't the umpire make up for missing the first pitch by calling the fourth pitch a strike? Doesn't it even out eventually?

To be blunt, no. The order pitches are called in is vitally important. Consider this: when Jose Bautista's hits with a one ball no strike count, he has a career .396 batting average with a 1.163 OPS. Basically with a 1-0 count, Bautista turns into a hot Alex Rodriguez. With a no ball one strike count in his career Bautista hits .293 with a .717 OPS. That's more like Alex Cora, a back up infielder. This is a pretty big difference and it's consistent with pretty much every hitter in the majors.

Moving to a different game, here is a plot of all the pitches that Joe Blanton threw against Arizona last night:


I count 15 pitches outside the strike zone that were called strikes and seven pitches that were in the strike zone that were called balls. Again, this isn't to pick on anyone - I'm sure there have been games where Blanton's opponents were the recipients of favorable calls.

These examples aren't isolated incidents that I had to spend hours looking up either. They were simply the first two that I looked up. In other words this happens every game. Every game umpires miss calls that affect the game's outcome. Anecdotally anyone who watches a baseball game all the way through knows this. Why this is tolerated I have no idea. Especially when a better system exists.
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Toast Sightings: PDX


I wonder what they serve.

Redskins Over-React To Butt Kicking: Who Had 'Thursday 1pm' In The Pool?

Redskins Coach Jim Zorn guesses stridently but incorrectly which cup the shell is under.

Last Thursday while I was tooling around Portland, Oregon, drinking great beer and wishing I could afford a condo on the Willamette, the Redskins got donkey punched by the Ravens 23-0 in the first preseason game for both teams.

The pertinent details: Washington's offense managed three first downs and 45 total yards in two possessions, and the defense gave up 500 yards while getting pushed around like Screech at an Ultimate Fighting event.

Not the way you want to start, but it's preseason. After that kick in the dick, the Redskins are... (wait for it)... 0-0 on the year. And so are the Ravens! Know why? Say it with me now: Because that game didn't count! Every year fans from all cities over-react to pre-season results. Last year Skins fans called for Jason Campbell's benching after Colt Brennan looked like Peyton Manning because he was playing against defenses composed of Wal Mart greeters.

Us more enlightened NFL fans know that the preseason is bullshit, a big confidence game, a four game long bait 'n switch. The level of competition is all over the place, with Pro Bowlers playing against retail clerks and everything in between. You can't base anything on it because it doesn't mean anything.

In a certain sense you can understand fans over reacting. They're fans, after all. It's in their job description (see, "Reactionary Redskins Fan, The"). But the team's management? They're supposed to understand the differences between the pre-season and the regular season. They're supposed to know that what happens in the pre-season isn't indicative of what will happen in the regular season. In short, they're supposed to be immune to this type of over-reacting.

So, of course and in typical fashion, the Redskins are over-reacting. From the Washington Post's Redskins Insider blog:

The Redskins' first-team offense could play early into the second quarter or until Coach Jim Zorn sees enough "production" Saturday night against the Pittsburgh Steelers at FedEx Field. [...] "I want to see how it goes. I want to see production. That's what I'm looking for," Zorn said. "I want to see the offense come together and really move the ball. It's going to be difficult. [...] Even if Campbell led the offense on a long drive, "I'd put 'em out there again," Zorn said. "I want that to kind of repeat itself."


Oh good. It took all of two possessions before Zorn scrapped his plans and went to Plan B. We probably don't have enough letters in the alphabet for all the plans Zorn will toss if he's going to over-react like this.

Maybe most importantly though, I don't see how an extra series or two in the second pre-season game is going to lead to any kind of viable improvement in the long run. It's almost as if Zorn is begging the NFL Gods to chop Santana Moss off at the ACL, or to push Chris Samuels at just the wrong time causing his kneecap to shoot across the field and hit Ed Hochuli in the eye.

And, of course, no mention of the defense that gave up 500 yards getting extra time on the field either. Oh, it's going to be a fun season, I can already tell.
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Laying Off of Wacko Favro

Even as Brett Favre has signed with the Packers' division-rival Vikings, there's a sizable contingent of Packers fans who will always support him, at least when his new team isn't playing his original team. But if reports from Green Bay (particularly those concerning talk radio) are to be believed, Favre really tested Packers fans good will with the following statement: "If you're a true Packer fan, you understand."

The folks at Acme Packing Company analyze the situation far better than I could, so I'll try to pick up from there.

The truest Packer fan I know -- according to both my criteria and Favre's, evidently -- can be categorized as a Favre supporter. "I'm tired of people criticizing him because he still wants to play," he says, and appropriately adds, "and the Vikings clearly wanted him to play." That's the thing: plenty of Favre's supporters justify their support by saying he just wants to play, but that ignores at least half of the issue. If he just wanted to play, he might be working on a veteran-minimum contract in San Francisco or some such hopeless NFL hinterland. But the Vikings, perceived by many as a ready-made championship contender lacking only an elite quarterback, lavished him with a $25M, 2-year contract.

Look, I wish Favre would stay retired. I wish Elvis had died in 1969 and Michael Jackson had died in 1991. I already had to witness Steve Carlton taking a blowtorc
h to his professional reputation in the late '80s, with the extended time in the spotlight allowing the equally odious deterioration of his personal reputation.

And I'm almost 100% certain we're looking
at Lefty in 1986 here. The "Dangerous" world tour is winding down.

When Jackson died, I felt almost obligated to remind younger people that he was the greatest entertainer a generation had ever seen; he wasn't always 117 lbs. of worldwide tabloid cannon-fodder. I don't even bother with Carlton anymore -- yep, he was just a right-wing lunatic who lived in a bunker and made a fool of himself as he coasted on the fumes of past dominance in the M
ajors for 3 years. Well, Favre may play another three seasons, and I've already lost count of the number of times I've reminded people he is one of the five (three?) greatest quarterbacks of all time, not some pain-in-the-ass community-theater Hamlet in shoulder pads.

Anyway, I'm going to quit sandbagging Favre even though I'm of the opinion that he's well en route in his transformation from Michael Jackson to Wacko Jacko. You know my policy: Blame the management, not the worker.

So why did the Vikings lavish $25M on Favre? Simply put, they aren't very smart.

(You know who's pretty smart? Fran Tarkenton. He knows the smell of burnt toast: he threw a league-leading 32 interceptions in 1978 at age 38, the same age at which Favre topped the circuit in picks last season. Tark was still gu
nslingin', leading the league in passing yardage and completing 60% of his passes -- a number that would have led the league in many years back then -- but he knew he was cooked.)

First of all, Favre has a
tear in the rotator cuff of his throwing shoulder. His shoulder was shredded last year -- and it was obvious in the late-season, cold-weather games -- and that's been largely fixed, apparently. But the phrase "39-year-old quarterback with a rotator cuff injury" shouldn't exactly inspire an auction for his services.

Second, in February, the Vikings traded a fourth-round pick to Houston for Sage Rosenfels, then gave Rosenfels a 2-year, $9M contract. The Vikings were expecting Rosenfels to at least compete for the starting spot; this is a guy who threw an incomprehensible 10 interceptions in 174 passing attempts last season* and may have single-handedly deep-sixed the Texans' playoff chances last season with his comical performance against the Colts. This guy is worth a fourth-rounder and $9 million? Not to a well-run organization.

*Had Sagey-poo played anything close to a full season last year, Favre might not have led the league in picks. Rosenfels played in only six games.

Third, I think we should play Matty's favorite game, "Player A vs. Player B":

Final four games of 2
008 NFL season:





The team with Player B at QB drafted a new QB early in the first round of the 2009 Draft -- Mark Sanchez. The team with Player A at QB just gave Brett Favre 25 million dollars.

And lest you think I'm cooking the books here, the four games listed for Tarvaris Jackson are the only four in which he played in the second half of last season -- and actually it's only three and a half games. If we add in the previous game for Favre, giving him a sample of the final five games of the 2008 season, his completion percentage drops to 56.0%, YPA drops a smidge to 5.78, we add a pick and no TDs, for a ratio of 2:9, plus 2 sacks; and just for good measure, a measly 17 points in a blowout loss at home against the Denver Broncos, who had the second-worst defense in the NFL.

(Tarvaris gets sacked too much trying to keep dying plays alive, but Favre throws interceptions on a lot of those plays. And that YPA of 8.32 would have been second in the NFL if he'd had enough attempts to qualify. Yards per attempt is like OPS for QBs, a super-useful stat that takes into account both how accurate you are and how much yardage your passes are gaining.)

To be clear, I don't begrudge Favre one iota for taking this opportunity. But the Vikings just coughed up a fortune on a player who probably isn't going to make them any better, and in fact may make them worse by taking the ball out of Adrian Peterson's hands via turnovers.

But alas, it's not all bad news, Vikings fans -- this will be the last season in which you have to tolerate the overmatched Brad Childress as your head coach! Take heart, Brad -- Maybe Eric Mangini, the last coach cost his job by a misguided front office decision to sign Favre to magically cure all the team's ills, will find a job for you in Cleveland in 2010.


Carnac On Farve


Carnac: A goat, a case of Vagisil, and $12 million.

Ed McMahon: A goat, a case of Vagisil, and $12 million...

Carnac: [blows in envelope] Three things Brett Favre would come out of retirement for.

***

Carnac: You're old, and you suck.

Ed McMahon: You're old, and you suck...

Carnac: [blows in envelope] Things Brett Favre has in common with Ed's mother.

Ed: [punches Carnac in face]

***

Carnac: Uranus.

Ed McMahon: Uranus...

Carnac: [blows in envelope] Where is Brett Favre's head these days?

***

Carnac: Advil, Motrin and Brett Favre.

Ed McMahon: Advil, Motrin and Brett Favre...

Carnac: [blows in envelope] Name two headache remedies and why you would take them.*

___

*This one ripped almost directly from an actual Carnac routine, which can be seen here.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tales Of The Douchey: Brett Favre Edition

Brett Favre ensures I will never purchase a pair of Wrangler Relaxed jeans.

Per months and months of begging/felating by ESPN, Brett Favre is headed to Minnesota to sign with the Vikings. May he throw ten interceptions in the first game and never be heard from again!

More after I remove this spork from my neck.

UPDATE: Favre's salary for the season will be $12 million. The Vikings apparently have a collective case of optirectitis. Yeah, ask your doctor.
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Jerry Manuel's Continued Employment Proves The Mets Aren't Very Smart

Mets Manager Jerry Manual points to the spot where he believes his thoughts come from: his left ear.


Since I've been writing for TOOOAST!!! there have been a few topics that I've returned to for obvious reasons. One is the Washington Nationals, who have continuously demonstrated the ability to insert objects into their rectum* without removing previously inserted objects. Its getting quite crowded in there! But that fun is over, for now anyway because they just signed Steven Strasburg to a contract, so that's something. Also, I'm pretty sure they're better than my Red Sox, so that's something else.


Fortunately for me, I still have the New York Mets and their
Head Moron Complete Idiot Ultra Maroon Jerry Manuel. Manuel, whom I've had the pleasure of discussing previously, has what could kindly be described as a thinking problem, as in he's not very good at it.

As you may be aware, everything is going wrong for the Mets this year. Some of it is not their doing, but much of it is the residue of lousy design and inept planning. One of the things that isn't their fault is the injuries that have befallen the team, such as David Wright's recently suffered concussion.
However, their handling of their problems has been a bit less than beyond reproach.

In that vein, here is Manuel discussing Wright and former outfielder Ryan Church as quoted by NY Newsday's
Ken Davidoff (via Rob Neyer's excellent Sweet Spot blog on the WWL):

Manuel said [David] Wright, "being who he is . . . because of what he means, I think I would give him the benefit of the doubt" on whether he could play.... Asked if the organization has learned from its mistakes with [oft concussed outfielder Ryan] Church last year, the manager responded: "You have to be careful into stereotyping individuals. David is a different animal, so to speak. How he is made up is a little different than, say, Ryan Church, in my opinion. That's not to say that one is better than the other, but they're different."


As Neyer pointed out, despite saying he isn't, Manuel is absolutely saying that Wright is better than Church at recovering from concussions. Which, of course, is absolute bullshit. The ability to hit a baseball and the ability to recover from a concussion are two completely different things and one has no baring on the other.


This comes down to two things: 1) Manuel attacking a player that used to play for him (Church) in a particularly cavemanish way for sustaining a head injury, and 2) Manual saying that because David Wright is a good baseball player he and/or the Mets organization will let him determine when he is ready to play again.


Both are stupid and reflect badly on Manuel, but while the first does no real harm, the second is actually quite dangerous. As good a hitter as he is, Wright is not a doctor. And because he isn't a doctor, he should not be in any way in control of when he sets foot on a baseball field again.


According to Cot's, Wright's contract with the Mets runs through 2012 with a club option for the 2013 season. If Wright's brain is scrambled, the Mets will still have to pay him $39 million, not to mention the cost of finding someone else to play third base. Since the Mets are on the hook for a lot of money one way or the other, they're probably better off if their all-star third baseman doesn't spend the remainder of his days thinking he is a tuna fish sandwich.


All of which is to say, if the Mets don't enter the 21st century sometime soon they may as well start a tuna fish sandwich at third base. They aren't going to win anything, so that at least would be interesting.

___

*Rectum? I nearly killed 'em!

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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Bullsh*t

I've had it with Red Sox Nation.

First, the whole concept was pilfered from the Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland Raiders. Now everyone's got a fucking "Nation," thanks to the Red Sox. Bullshit, calls I.

As I've maintained over the years, the Red Sox are the easiest team in sports to support -- You can support an underdog, but without all the losing! Pink-hatters can cry foul all day long about the "Evil Empire" Yankees while beating your team's brains in with players your team couldn't afford in a million years.

As much as all that chafes my keister, now it's gone even further: the Red Sox now play by a different set of rules than all other teams when it comes to baseball's unwritten code of throwing at opposing batters.

Ever since the days of Pedro Martinez's prime, Sox pitchers have thrown at Yankees hitters, and for the most part it's all been in good fun. (Hey, who doesn't want to see A-Rod get his head split open? He's an asshole! Look at his blue fuckin' lips!) This past week, during the Yankees' four-game sweep of the Sox, the pattern continued. Then, apparently cowed by the Yankees' dominance, the Red Sox continued throwing at opposing batters, dusting off the Tigers' best hitter, Miguel Cabrera, twice on Monday.

When the Tigers finally retaliated by throwing at Sox folk hero Kevin Youkilis (aka "The Greek God of Gay"*), he charged the mound and threw his helmet** at rookie Detroit pitcher Rick Porcello before getting rolled like a cigarette any-goddamn-way.

*Youkilis = not actually Greek. I'd point out he's Jewish, but I'd feel like an asshole. Er... I feel like an asshole.

**Like a f**king p***y. Yeah, I **** it.

This earned him a 5-game suspension, the near-obligatory appeal of which he dropped, figuring the Sox wouldn't need him in a road series against the perpetually irrelevant Texas Rangers, who were a half-game behind the Red Sox in the Wild-Card standings at the time. No, the Sox would need Youk for their next series against the Yankees -- now a nearly insurmountable 6 games ahead of them -- and they couldn't risk the case being tied up in appeal when those teams' paths crossed again.

So onto Arlington, Texas, site of Friday night's astounding ninth-inning, two-out Red Sox comeback. Saturday night's game was Ian Kinsler's first game back from a weeks-long DL stint, and he hit a home run in his first at-bat, in the second inning. From that point on, Sox starting pitcher Brad Penny threw at Kinsler in every at-bat for the rest of his outing. In Kinsler's third at-bat, a pitch came in (a little too directly) at his head, compelling him to corkscrew out of the way.

In Kinsler's final at-bat in the ninth, with Penny long gone, he was hit in the head with a 92-mph fastball that caromed off his helmet and ricocheted directly into the stands just third-baseward of the net behind home plate. I have never seen a hitter hit so hard by a pitch. Reliever Fernando Cabrera was firing pitches all over the place at the time, which might exempt him from blame, but the purpose pitches in Kinsler's previous two at-bats argue against it.

Between the top and bottom of the ninth inning, when Rangers reliever Neftali Feliz* was warming up, the home plate umpire came out to the mound and warned Feliz against throwing at any Red Sox batters, lest he be chased from the proceedings and likely suspended. Of course, no warning had been issued to the Red Sox when Kinsler was drilled in the head. As the TV broadcast resumed, the Rangers fans in attendance were booing like Philadelphians in response to the warning.

*Every Rangers fan in attendance -- maybe 70% of the crowd, at least enough to drown out the legions of pink-hatters -- was drooling at the prospect of the fireballer Feliz retaliating against the Red Sox. ('OK, who wants a 98-mph fastball in the ribs?') However, the 7-8-9 hitters were due in the bottom of the ninth. Why waste a purpose pitch on Jason Varitek when you can just strike his carcass the hell out? Which Feliz did.

So what happens tomorrow, with the Red Sox never having been dissuaded from throwing at opposing batters? With recent Japanese import Jun Tazawa on the mound, I don't much expect any fireworks.

If anything untoward does go down -- and if the Sox' recent series against the Yankees and Tigers and Saturday's antics in Texas are any indication, they'll initiate it -- it'll be time to suspend Terry Francona along with any player who's committed a "suspendable" act. It's clearly systematic at this point -- a matter of strategy for the new America's Team.
_______________

Goon It Up?
If this continues, every time a team is getting ready to play the Red Sox, they should call up an otherwise worthless brawny player from the minors and stash him on their bench as their 25th player. Then, when Tito* has a Sox pitcher throw at one of their players' heads, that guy should charge out of the dugout and blindside the Red Sox' pitcher, suspension be damned.

*At this point, the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan of Major League Baseball. (Or MLB's Jim Cornette, if you're from Atlanta.)

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Go Home You Pink Hatted Homos!


After one of the biggest meltdown games of all time, all I've got to say is this:

"GO BACK TO YOUR MISERABLE CITY YOU PINK HATTED CREAM PUFFS!"


Happy Fiftieth to My Favorite Athlete of All Time!

Having been a sports fan for pretty much my entire life, I have witnessed countless fantastic moments and other-worldly performances by athletes I admired and respected.

Magic Johnson has been part of most of these, and today, my favorite athlete of all eternity turns the big 5-0. There was a time when none of us thought he'd ever sniff 35 years old (more on that later), but he has gone on to become a fabulously successful businessman and executive with the Lakers. But as great as his life after basketball has been, it is but a speck in the rear-view mirror of his playing career.

In my opinion, only two players have done more for their teams' success than Magic: Bill Russell and Michael Jordan, and in reality, Magic is just a smidge behind Michael. Larry Bird? Nope. Magic won more titles, had more NBA finals and conference finals appearances, and beat Bird three of the four times they went head-to-head. Wilt? Nope. Wilt won only two titles and was beat down by his nemesis Russell's squad several times. Oscar? Nope. Big O won a single title.

Check these numbers:
-NCAA champion and Final Four MVP.
-Five-time NBA champion.
-Three-time NBA Finals MVP.
-Three-time NBA regular season MVP.
-Twelve-time All-Star.
-Nine-time NBA First Team selection.
-Two-time NBA All-Star Game MVP.
-Named to the NBA's Fifty Greatest Players of All Time (DUH!)
-Member of the 1992 USA Dream Team.

In his twelve-year career (I'm not counting his brief comeback in 1995), Magic led the Lakers to the NBA Finals an amazing NINE times, winning five titles. They made the conference finals ten of his twelve years. Only a mutiny by the team against Paul Westhead in 1981 and one of the flukiest shots of all time by Ralph Sampson in 1986, kept them out of the Finals in the 1980's, and age caught up to them in 1990.

I think that Johnson's excellence is taken for granted far too often and he is not held in as high regard as he should be. Ya, most NBA commentators would put him in their Top Ten of All Time (I hope!), but I think he's a lock for a position in the Top Four: Russell, Jordan, Kareem, Magic.

In honor of my main man's fiftieth birthday, I wanted to run down my personal Top Ten Magic Moments:

1. Magic Leading Michigan State to the 1979 NCAA Championship.
In 1979, I was still a ten-year old punk who was just starting to discover the greatness of basketball and I remember that my family was on vacation at the time the NCAA Final Four came on. Both of my parents had attended Michigan State, and my mom and myself were born in East Lansing, so they made a big deal of the fact that their team, led by a player from the rival high school from my mom's school, was on the verge of winning the title. I was transfixed by that game and it absolutely launched my love affair with basketball as a game and Magic as a player. The fact that he beat Larry Bird to win that title wasn't as big a deal to me then as it became later as I was too naive, but the Sports Illustrated that came out a few days later didn't leave my sight for months.


2. The Magic Game.
Less than a year after his NCAA title, Magic led the Lakers to the NBA Finals against the Philadelphia 76ers. With the series tied 2-2 going in to game 5, the Lakers held a slim lead in the third quarter when their captain and leading scorer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar went down with a sprained ankle. Thankfully, NBA TV has been airing this game along with the more famous Game 6 of this series this week. I had completely forgotten what an absolute FORCE Kareem still was at this time in his career. He was the league MVP that season and averaged 32 ppg and 12 rpg in the playoffs and his size, grace and lethal skyhook were in full effect during that game. (In fact, he still had a full head of hair and had not yet donned the goggles, so he still looked like a badass.) Then, BOOM, he is suddenly erased from the floor. The announcers, Brent Musberger, Hot Rod Hundley and Bill Russell were unanimous in declaring that the Lakers could not beat the Sixers without Kareem.

Enter Magic's incomparable Will to Win. With Kareem out, Johnson goes on a tear and scores about ten straight points, gets the Forum jumping with his electricity, and the Lakers build their lead and win the game to take a 3-2 series lead. Kareem made it back for some of this game but was out for game six. It is announced that Magic will play center for the game, and as they are about to have the jump ball to start the game, you could seriously feel the Spectrum crowd was almost laughing at the fact that this undersized rookie would dare try to match up with their powerful front line of Darryl Dawkins, Caldwell Jones and Dr.J. Unfortunately for the Sixers themselves, they shared this arrogance, and within two minutes it was 9-0 Lakers and they were off and running. Magic and Jamaal Wilkes were unstoppable - Johnson posted a 42 & 15 while Wilkes threw up 37 points - and the Lakers won the title.

I've watched that game three times this week and it is one of the few times when the romantic memory of the performance is actually surpassed by the performance on tape. Magic was fucking unstoppable and did things that he never matched again in his career. It was actually named NBA.com's Number 1 Greatest NBA Finals Performance. POW!



3. Magic Announces He Has HIV.
I was entering my final year at UCLA and was still a massive Lakers and Magic fan. I just got home from classes on November 7, 1991 and flipped on the TV. Within seconds I was in tears. The news had just broken that Johnson had been diagnosed with HIV and he was holding a press conference to announce his retirement. At that time, such a diagnosis was basically perceived as a death sentence, so not only was my favorite player leaving my favorite team, but he would be dead soon. It was the biggest of stomach punches and the entire city of Los Angeles was under a dark cloud that day - you could feel it in the air.

4. The Baby Hook.
If nothing else, the Lakers-Celtics series of the 1980's are memorable to me for how intensely my dad (I me) hated the Celtics and loved the Lakers. He would have to go outside and walk around the block to decompress at halftime of many of these games. In the first meeting between the teams in 1984, the Lakers were the better team, yet lost the series in 7, mainly due to several costly blunders by Magic. The Lakers got their revenge the next year by beating the Celtics in 6.

Then came 1987 and the rubber match. With the Lakers leading the Celts 2-1 in the series, game 4 was in the Boston Garden. With seconds to go, Bird hit a three to put the Celtics up by two. Kareem was fouled on the next trip down the court and hit his first free throw to put L.A. down by one. Somehow the famed leprechaun was color blind that night, and after Kareem missed the tying free throw, the ball bounced off of McHale and went out of bounds. With seven seconds left, the Celtics stupidly allowed the ball to be inbounded to Magic on the left wing. He sized up McHale and Parrish and rolled in to the lane, never once looking to pass, and stunned the Celtics with a sweeping hook shot to put the Lakers up by one with two seconds left. Chick Hearn's call of the play is classic.

Thankfully, Bird narrowly missed a three at the buzzer and the Lakers had a stranglehold on the series and won the title in 6 games.


4. Magic's Banker Defeats Boston.
It was a very cold night in some small town in the mountains of Alberta. I was an assistant coach with the basketball team of my Alma mater and we were playing in a tournament and luckily were able to get this game on TV one night. I just remember leaping in the air and screaming "Take THAT Celtics, you homos!"when Magic hit this.




5. Still One of the Smartest Plays Ever Made.
In the 1991 Western Conference Finals, the Lakers were the underdog against the up-and-coming Portland Trail Blazers featuring Clyde Drexler, Jerome Kersey and Terry Porter. By this time, the Lakers roster still contained James Worthy and Byron Scott, but that was pretty much all that was left from their '80's championship teams. The intelligence and playoff "know-how" of Magic had led the Lakers to a 3-2 series lead and late in game 6, with L.A. up one, Portland took a shot with about 5 seconds left. Magic grabbed the rebound and instantly fired the ball high in to the air toward the other baseline. In one of the single smartest plays that I have ever seen, Magic was able to avoid being fouled by Portland to stop the clock while essentially running out the final seconds of the game and giving the Lakers the Western Conference championship.




Ok. This is getting waaay too long, so I'll cut it to a Top Five Magic Moments. You can owe me.

BUT, I do want to share a couple personal anecdotes about the Magic Man.

In the summer of 1985, I was lucky enough to attend Magic's basketball camp at Occidental College in Los Angeles. When most big name players put their name on a camp, they might make a few token appearances during the week. Not Magic. He was there every day and was very hands-on the entire week. One particular night, during scrimmages, Magic was watching and suddenly loudly blew his whistle.

"What the hell is going on out here?!"

I had obviously never seen this side of Johnson. He was seriously PISSED at all of us for not playing defense properly and without enough effort and made us put all of the balls away. For what seemed like an hour (although it was probably closer to 20 minutes), he hollered at us and made us do defensive slides around the perimeter of the courts until we could barely stand. I just remember thinking, "Wow, he really does take this game seriously. Man, how much work must he have put in to be as great as he is?"

As much as I loved him before the camp, I thought the world of him after it.

And finally, just a year after that, I was playing on the College of the Desert team in Palm Springs. I was, like, the twelfth man on the team but it didn't matter at all because I soon found out that the fucking World Champion Lakers would be having a week of their training camp in our gym! No one was allowed in the gym during their practices except those of us on the C.O.D basketball team who volunteered to help with practices and shlep the players' laundry to the laundry room and wash their stuff.

Yep, I got to pick up Kareem, Magic, Worthy, Byron Scott and the rest of the Lakers' mesh bags of practice gear and toss them in to the washer and dryer and deliver them back to the team the next day. To have contact like this with those players was unimaginable. Their size and speed was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Pat Riley was mere feet away, running them quickly and business-like through their drills. Then came the post-practice shooting contests where they would talk shit to each other and take each other's money. And immediately after practice, they would all be sitting there, cooling down with ice bags on every joint and removing the little foam sleeves they wore on their toes for additional cushioning. It was one of the coolest weeks of my life and such an amazing peak at life behind the scenes for these guys.

So, for providing many of my fondest memories, here's a huge Happy Birthday to the Magic Man.