Ortiz Tests Postive For Banned Substance, Boston Media Tests Positive For Doucheiness

The Boston media wasted no time jumping all over David Ortiz for testing positive for a banned substance in 2003. Ortiz, it was recently learned, was on the same list of "anonymous positives" as Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte, and, of course, the immortal and forever tainted* David Segui.

According to those who have journalism degrees, this invalidates the Red Sox 2004 and 2007 World Series championships, and pretty much everything else the man has ever done.

Take a walk? FAKER!
Strike out? LIAR!
Hit a single? CHEATER!!

I won't rehash the whole steroids argument here, but some of it is relevant. Are steroids cheating? Well, yes and no. There is nuance here, I'm sorry to say to the black-and-whiters. Anyone who doesn't admit that has an agenda. Using steroids is against baseball's rules now, but was not back in 2003 when the tests were administered. I'm more than willing to indict someone who knowingly broke the rules, but at the time there were no rules.

The other vitally important aspect of this whole argument is that anabolic steroids hold such magic, mystical, power that to even be in a room with some will give you the ability to hit a baseball 500 feet. This simply isn't true. I think one can make a logical conclusion, and this is disputed by some, that using steroids would provide some benefit to a ball player, but what that benefit is, or how much of that benefit a player would receive is as grey an area as grey areas get.

But there is no question, no grey area, no momentary doubt, nothing to slow down the assassination squads of the Boston media. Quoth the Curly Headed Boyfriend, "And those life-changing Red Sox championships of 2004 and 2007? Are they forever tainted? You bet." The equally eloquent Tony Massarotti had this to say, "And so now we know, with 99.9 percent certainty, what we have long suspected and feared: Big Papi is a myth. The rags-to-riches story is truly a fairy tale."

You guys had to go to school to do that? It's good thing New England sports fans have such intelligent and informed analysis with which to line their cat boxes. Reactionary garbage like this is only one of many reasons the newspaper industry is in the shitter, but hey, at least it made the list.

____
*Ha ha! I wrote 'taint'.
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I'm Not Dead Yet, but Definitely Circling the Drain

Only one phrase could have awoken me from my far-too-long-hibernation (aka "baseball season") from poooasting:

"The Dallas Mavericks sign free agent Tim Thomas."

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! The light! It burns!

Holyfuckingjesuschristonasnowmobile! The one player in the league that has repeatedly been a punchline in my NBA discussions over the years is now a member of my team. Geigh.

How can this be possible??!! The Mavericks were already saved from themselves when the Orlando Magic inexplicably matched their $34 million offer for a player who averages, like 2 pts and 2 rebounds a game. That was lucky.

Then they get Shawn Marion - not really The Matrix anymore, but an upgrade athletically and fills a need - for a bag o' donuts. Nice. Things are going OK this summer. Nothing stoopid yet...

FUCK!!!

Tim Thomas??!! For Donnie Nelson's sake, it better be the Boston Bruins goalie, not that uberdog of a place mat that has stolen...wait for it....$84 MILLION during his NINE stops in the NBA!!! The Mavs will be his freaking tenth team in the league in 12 years. Ya, how can you not want a proven commodity like that on our team? I bet Tim Thomas, the goalie, would actually try on the court and not drag all those around him in to a pit of donkey shit.

FUCK!!

His most memorable stint in the league came during his 3 months with the Phoenix Suns in 2006 when they made it to the Western Conference Finals against the Mavericks. (A side note on this - Thomas has played 55 playoff games in his entire twelve-year career. Twenty of those 55 games came in this 2006 run with the Suns. What a jackleg!) Thomas actually performed well in those playoffs, averaging 15 & 6 and hitting a cold-blooded three that saved the Suns' bacon in the opening series against the Lakers. (Notice Marion got the offensive rebound. Maybe the Mavs can ride this combo again!) Of course, it was a contract year for Thomas though, so he decided to actually try for a change.

But around these parts (Dallas), Thomas' whole career is summed up by one action: his blowing a kiss to Dirk in game 5 of the WCF and calling Nowitzki "a fucking pussy." You could read his lips.

How did Dirk respond? Well, he only erupted for FIFTY in the game, including a whopping 22 in the fourth quarter, and reduced Thomas, and ironically Marion as well, to a pile of cat litter. Nice work Timmy. Fire up a superstar, while folding your tail between your legs and disappearing. The Suns thought so highly of his act that they let him go to the Clippers immediately after the season ended. Hey, maybe Cuban and Little Nellie's goal is to re-enact that game and have Marion and Thomas guard Dirk in practice to keep Nowitzki's confidence sky-high.

Now, granted, the Mavs did sign Thomas for a one-year deal worth only $1.3 million - 6'10'' people with a heart beat get $1.3 million in the NBA - and they claim he'll help spread the floor with his shooting, which he may, but I just don't want proven losers like this guy on my team. I don't care if Cuban signed him for $7.50 an hour to park and detail the players cars, I still don't want him. I guess that once the Magic matched their Gortat offer, the Mavs just had money burning a hole in their pocket. It's like when you were a kid and you had a nickel in your pocket and all you could afford was that off-brand piece of taffy at the store so you said, "Ah screw it, I'll buy that." Then you put it in your mouth and it tastes like shit and you immediately spit it out and wish you just ate the nickel instead. Hey, that's it! My nickname for Thomas this year is "Shitty Taffy."

I'm gonna create a new stat here on Toooast!!!! called the T!!! Factor. It'll be an arbitrary, unexplainable, totally non-stats-based number that we can assign to players based on how many wins or losses we think that player earns or costs his team. I'm giving Thomas a T!!! Factor of -5 right off the bat. His lethargy and suckitude will in some way cost the Mavs five wins this year. Marion already took the number zero for his Mavs jersey, so Thomas can't have that one. How about -5, or a picture of some Nutz? Oh wait, Shitty Taffy doesn't have any.

FUCK!!

On Mike Williams And Dedication, With No Bukake Jokes

You may not have noticed this off-season, but the Washington Redskins signed an 1984 Dodge Caravan to play right tackle. That '84 Caravan's name? Mike Williams. No, not the bust wide receiver Mike Williams, the bust offensive lineman Mike Williams. (Not this guy, this guy.) The fourth pick in 2002, Williams was last seen ordering "everything you got" at Kenny Rogers Roasters after being cut by the Jacksonville Jaguars in 2006. At that point he weighed about 450 pounds, which, to be blunt, is probably too much.

Cut to the present day, and Mike Williams is no longer an '84 Caravan. He's lost 108 pounds and is now more like an '84 Celica. One hundred and eight pounds! There is an entire continent of people who weigh less than that. In a couple months, Williams effectively dropped an obese Japanese woman. (There's probably a bukake joke to be made here, but I'll just leave it be.)

Of course, dropping weight doesn't mean you can play offensive tackle in the NFL, but it shows a dedication that by all accounts Williams didn't possess previously. Can Williams help the Redskins this year? Who the hell knows. His only contribution may be helping to clear off the buffet table after practice. Or, he may not even make the team out of camp.

Still, the sheer determination to do what Williams has already done is impressive. Some guys have all the talent and none of the work ethic, they get to the show and get pushed around a bit, and fold like a pup tent. That was Williams, though instead of folding he ate the pup and the tent. To see him back now, three years later, busting his ass for a minimum salary gig on a mediocre team? Well, you gotta root for a guy like that.
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Stay Tuned for Snizza's Suicide Note

Snizza's got a slew of relatives staying at his place and been unable to access his computer much, a situation that has been exacerbated by the fact that he just died. Yep, that's right, he's dead. He was a goner from the moment he heard this information:

Your My His Dallas Mavericks have just signed Tim Thomas.

Yes sir, Tim Thomas, quite possibly the most gutless player to ever suit up in the NBA, a man whose only skill appears to be cashing paychecks, a debacle of a player even among the shameful roster of former Sixers first-round picks, whose sole contribution to anything remotely noteworthy in NBA history came when he made taunting kissy-face gestures to Dirk Nowitzki in a playoff game, goading Dirk into mercilessly stomping Thomas' Phoenix Suns... has signed with the Mavericks.

It's only a veteran-minimum deal, but it was enough to push our dear Snizza over the edge. He read the story several times just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, built a makeshift catapult out of his children's pool toys, and shot himself directly into a brick wall.

Now you've gone an' done it, Donnie Nelson. You caved in to your father's begging and didn't draft Pavel Podkolzine with the fifth overall pick in 2004 (Devin Harris), but you've killed Snizza. You bastard!!

Time to call the Texas Hammer and slap together a frivolous lawsuit.

(And this might turn out to be a mass grave -- the Phils just brought in Brad Lidge and his 7-run ERA. He promptly walked the first batter and gave up a 500-foot moon shot to Mark Reynolds. He has allowed 9 HR in 37 IP this season.)

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It Was Probably A Throw-Away Line, But It Was Still Pretty Stupid

The Boston Globe's Nick Carfardo has lots of column inches to fill up each Sunday. He writes a baseball notes column that approaches 2,500 words, the semi-modern equivalent of Peter Gammons old baseball insider column. 2,500 words is a lot of writing. So, it's understandable that occasionally something kinda dumb sneaks in.

But still, this is pretty dumb. In today's column, Carfardo writes, "How about a swap of underachieving Scott Boras clients Magglio Ordonez and J.D. Drew". I've done some thinking about this suggestion, which as you shall see is more than Carfardo did, and I can't figure out why the Red Sox would ever make this trade.

Ordonez is hitting .257/.328/.354. Them's awful. He's also a slightly below average defensive outfielder according to Fangraphs.com Zone Rating data. He is in the last year of a contract that is paying him $18 million this year, and the Tigers have benched him for two reasons: 1) he's terrible, and 2) if they play him they risk his $18 million option vesting for next season. The Tigers really don't want to pay Ordonez a penny next season, let alone $18 million. It is quite safe to say that the Tigers would give Ordonez away to any team that wanted him for free, no players required, no bag of balls, no questions asked. Pretty please with sugar on it.

Drew's situation is different in all respects. He is in year three of a five year deal that pays him $14 million per season. He is in a horrendous slump this month (.136/.260/.258 in July), but before that he has hit very well, OPSing .847 in April, .817 in May, and .961 in June. He's also an above average fielder (again, according to Fangraphs.com).

In short, this is a very good player with a long term contract who is having an absolutely awful month. Assuming Drew's slump isn't him going completely over the cliff, and there really isn't any reason why that would be the case, why would the Red Sox trade him? And if Boston did trade him, why in the living fuck would they trade him for Ordonez?

Boston is a game and a half behind New York for first place in the AL East. Playing Ordonez will not help them catch the Yankees. Further, if Boston traded Drew for Ordonez, they'd be forced to play Ordonez, and therefore have to pay his dessicated remains $18 million next year. If they inexplicably made the trade and then sat Ordonez on the bench, they'd have to bring some AAA player up from the minors and... wow, this idea just keeps getting worse and worse.

Enough analysis. The whole idea is fucking retarded. Mr. Carfardo, in the future when suggesting a trade, let the words "fucking retarded" serve as a red flag.
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An Answer To The Michael Vick Question

We are all familiar with Michael Vick, the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback who was convicted and sentenced to time in Leavenworth Prison for his role in a dog fighting ring. Vick is back in the news because he has been released and is looking to return to his previous job as a pro football player.

Many people feel that Vick should not be allowed to come back to the NFL. The NFL, they contend, turns all it's players into millionaires and national celebrities, and through his actions Vick has forfeited his rights to such a lifestyle.

Well, listen up, folks. According to a federal judge, Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. Michael Vick is bankrupt and Michael Vick should be allowed to return to the NFL.

And he will, in the NFL's new...

Man vs. Dog Deathmatch!!!

Man vs. Dog Deathmatch: Only one gets out alive!

Come see Michael Vick fight his way up the Dog Deathmatch ladder! Vick versus a basset hound! Live on pay-per-view this Sunday at 8pm. Check your local listings.

MLB Nutz & Boltz: Vicente Padila gots tha Swine Flu

Just before tonight's game against Kansas City, the Texas Rangers issued a press release announcing that pitcher Vicente Padilla had tested positive -- Josh Lewin dropped in a big ol' pause after that word -- not for performance-enhancing drugs (no, Cerveza Toña doesn't qualify), but for influenza A(H1N1), also known as Monkey Pox Mad Cow Swine Flu. So let's update the tote board:

Number of worldwide confirmed cases of Swine Flu in swine: 0
Number of worldwide confirmed cases of Swine Flu in Vicente Padilla: 1

In large part because the Kansas City Royals roster is a repository for hitters who have absolutely no business in the Major Leagues,* Scott Feldman cruised 8 innings, giving up just 4 hits and nary a run, and the Rangers beat Zack Greinke 2-0. (Only 1 run was off Greinke.)

When C.J. Wilson retired the final Royals batter, the players emerged from the dugout as per usual protocol to exchange high-fives and what-have-you, but ostentatiously pantomimed them and didn't actually make any physical contact with each other. Swine Flu, baby! Now that's comedy.

*OK, Gene Rayburn, just how bad are the Royals?

-In the past decade, they have had twice as many 100-loss seasons as the Chicago Cubs have EVER had.

-In 2007 Emil Brown led the team with 62 RBIs. They have not had a player drive in 100 runs -- a frankly unimpressive total in this era -- since 2003, when Carlos Beltran had 100 on the button.**

-During the greatest explosion of power in baseball history, the Royals have had such a spectacular lack of power that they don't even specifically list their all-time single-season HR record-holder on their team website. It lists home HR, road HR, lefty HR, righty HR, grand slams... but no just-plain HR. Understandable, given that it's Steve Balboni, with 36 in 1985.

(Steve Balboni! In nineteen fucking eighty-five! Thirty-six?!!?)

**Yes, RBIs are a junk stat. In this case, however, they accurately reflect the fact that the Royals (1) almost never have anyone on base to be driven home, (2) can't drive those runners home even when they exist, and (3) field lineups so unstable on a yearly basis that players don't even get enough plate appearances to have a decent opportunity to drive in 100 runs.

In other news...

Hi! I'm Matt Holliday! You might remember me from such exploits as "Hitting like Albert Pujols in Denver and hitting like a fourth outfielder everywhere else."

The early returns are great, with Holliday gathering up four hits in his Cardinals debut in Philly. Phils GM Ruben Amaro Jr., by the way, spent most of the game running around the stands trying to blindfold the Blue Jays scouts in attendance -- So much for fooling them into thinking J.A. Happ is a potential big piece of a Roy Halladay trade.

Anyway, Holliday will bat cleanup behind Pujols because of his name recognition, but unless he catches fire down the stretch, he's not really a middle-of-the-order bat. (Except in Denver.) Of course, he could catch fire down the stretch, and that's all the Cardinals can hope for -- as a Scott Boras client, Holliday will be gone after the season.

And it's starting to look like Holliday will be participating in some playoff games this season. All season I've been waiting for two things to happen in the NL Central: One, for the Cubs to get healthy, and two, for the Cardinals pitching staff to stop pitching 10 miles over its head. Well, we're running out of time. If the Cubs are playing somewhere close to their full capacity, they're better than the Cardinals -- better starting pitching, better relief pitching, maybe a marginally worse offense. But they look, frankly, sort of diseased. Alfonso Soriano needs to be shot into space. Milton Bradley needs to be shot back to the Rangers, with the Cubs eating his preposterous contract. Or shot head-first into a brick wall.

While I've been waiting for the Cardinals to start stinking up the banks of the Mississippi, Adam Wainwright has backed into a sub-3.00 ERA thanks in large part to striking out a slew of people; Chris Carpenter has compiled a 0.91 WHIP in 99.2 IP and Joel Piniero a 1.09 in 122.1 IP. Really? Didn't Carpenter get a gorilla's arm grafted onto the right side of his body about 2 years ago? I don't think I've ever seen Piniero strike out anyone who wasn't the opposing team's pitcher. And former Phillies one-and-done "albatrocity" Ryan Franklin is their closer, and he's got a 1.25 ERA and a 3.5/1 K/BB ratio.

(I just made up "albatrocity," a cross between "albatross" and "atrocity." I think I'll go try that one out at the bar now. Milton Bradley is an "albatrocity." Hahaha.)

And finally, just to go on record, I can't really count out the Astros either. Year after year, they stretch the boundaries of reality by compiling an old, thin, creaky roster that looks like it should win about 68 games, then surging into the playoff race at 100 mph in July. If lefty Wandy Rodriguez continues to look like a potential ace (0 or 1 run allowed in his last 4 starts; Astros have won his last 6), they may have a fearsome 1-2 punch of starters, with Roy Oswalt pitching well now.

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Tempest in an Air Zoom LeBron 5

The sports realm's second most hotly debated videotape of 2009 has finally surfaced. You may recall that Nike reps confiscated two pieces of videotape footage of Xavier University's Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James at Bron's Cleveland-area skills camp.

Of course, when Nike scuttled the supply, the demand to see the footage went through the roof, such that we were expecting the tape to show something like this:

Crawford takes the ball straight at LeBron, lifts off, does a 360, takes off his shoe (Adidas, of course), bonks LeBron in the head with it, does another 360, composes and records a diss track called "Be Gone, LeBron," does another 360, tomahawks the rock through the hoop, grabs his junk, pantomimes riding a horse up and down the baseline for a full 90 seconds, picks up a megaphone he'd planted behind a nearby snowbank, and bellows, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I JUST DUNKED ON YO' PEANUT HEAD!!!!!!"

(Joe Posnanski made up some of that stuff. I made up the rest. Figure out which is which based on what's funny and what's not.)

Unfortunately, now that the tape has returned from its space walk, we see it's brutally unremarkable. It's not even worth embedding on this blog I neglect so terribly. Seriously, if I saw the chain of events the tape captures on the court across the street, I wouldn't even bat an eye. (Provided I could get over the idea of a bunch of 6'8'' black dudes ballin' in my neighborhood instead of the usual complement of small Latino pre-teens.)

Ah, if only Erin Andrews worked for Nike instead of ESPN. (Oh no I ditt-int!) In their omnipotence (more omnipotent even than the Worldwide Leader?), Nike might have shot the tape into space before it ever leaked out, and I wouldn't be here admonishing my weenie to show less interest in something so disgracefully evil.

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I Already Voted For Pedro

This ain't Pedro:




This is Pedro:








That is all.

Baseball Trade Rumors

[Author's Note: The author of the below would like to pre-apologize for the below. So sorry. So, so sorry.]

It's only two weeks until baseball's trading deadline, and there are a bunch of quality players on the market. Lots of websites have been keeping up with the rumors, but TOOOAST!!! is going to take you beyond the rumors. Here are a few of the players rumored to be traded and some under-the-radar, outside-the-box, up-your-ass places for them to be traded.


Roy Halladay

Keeping in mind that Toronto General Manager JP Ricchardi is not unlike a retarded gerbil after reading only Jon Heyman columns for two weeks:

• Toronto Argonauts for the rights to Bo Jackson, Dudley Do-Right, and a case of Schmidts Gay
  

• Newark Bears for a reach around (it's just common courtesy)

• New York Knights for that pudgy batboy, Kim Bassinger's vagina, and a case of turtle wax.

Matt Holliday

FBI - That's Female Body Inspector! (LOL!)

The Hebrew National slaughter house - done du-done done done!

Colorado Rockies - apparently the only place dude can hit a baseball.


Brad Penny

The Red Sox seem to have an over-abundance of starting pitching, and Penny is the odd man out. Some new uniforms that Penny may don after July 31st:

United States Marine Corps. Dude does not fuck around. I was going to call him fat, but then I thought two things: 1) I'm fat, and those who live in houses made of poop should not throw explosives; 2) Penny called out Joe Girardi, which basically makes him the most awesome person ever. Fuck Joe Girardi. So, yeah, Penny will end you. He's going to Iraq to fuck some shit up!
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Ripping Van Riper or Baseball's Most Stupid Articles

I'm a couple days late to the party on this one. But, better late than never, right? (Yes, I just opened with two cliches. All will become clear in due time, my friend, in due time.)

Behold, as Tom Van Riper rips apart baseball's salary structure, and exposes the seamy underbelly of... alright alright, fine, enough with the cliches. Here's the dumb article.

Baseball's Most Overpaid Players
Forbes Magazine, Tom Van Riper, 07.10.09

Is Derek Jeter an All Star?

Well, I’d have to say, uh… technically speaking, that, umm… may…be…?

Absolutely.

Right right. Of course. I knew that.

Is he overpaid?

Wait! I know this one!

You better believe it.

Dammit!

With a batting average above .300 and an on-base percentage pushing .400, Jeter definitely earned his slot at Tuesday's game, but with a salary of $21.6 million, he's also pro baseball's most overpaid player by a wide margin.

When you say $21.6 million, you’re aware that Jeter’s contract actually pays him $180 million. Over ten years. Which is different.

Consider:

CONSIDERING!

The average…

DONE CONSIDERING!! … Ha ha… just a little joke there to lighten the mood. Please continue.

Consider: The average 2009 salary…

DONE CONSIDERING!! OK, OK. Sorry. Moving on.

The average 2009 salary for a starting shortstop in the American League is $2.7 million.

I see your average American League shortstop salary and raise you the average salary for all major league baseball players this season ($3.26 million). Your move, Van Riper.

That Jeter rakes in eight times what an average starting shortstop does, while putting up only marginally better numbers, is the biggest disparity between a player and his positional peers in major league baseball.

Well, in fairness to the Yankees, it is tough to find a shortstop who’s batting average is eight times that of the average shortstop. That would require Jeter to hit 2.096, which would be amazing, primarily because it’s not technically possible.

Intangibles like leadership qualities, a big part of Jeter's popularity, are fine, but it's tough to argue they should push a players' salary off the charts.

Jeter’s popularity isn’t what gave him his contract. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because he is or was a great hitter.

I could continue on and on, dissecting each and every sentence, but here’s the damn point: contracts are not signed in a vacuum. Jeter’s contract was signed eight years ago, and broadly speaking, things were different then. Part of Jeter’s salary eight years ago is the guarantee that he will be paid this year. In other words, to get age 27 Jeter the Yankees had to pay for age 37 Jeter. Cost of doing business. Forbes Magazine of all papers should know that.

It’s simple to say that “In 2009 Derek Jeter is overpaid”, and I don’t mean ‘simple’ as in ‘elementary’, I mean ‘simple’ as in ‘retarded’.

By and large, baseball's most overpaid players aren't average producers getting paid like stars, although there are a few of those, such as Reds catcher Ramon Hernandez and Giants outfielder Randy Winn. Nor are they all fading veterans finishing out big contracts like Colorado's Todd Helton. No, the most overpaid players in baseball are the stars.

I just don’t see how this could be correct. I eagerly await your detailed explanation.

The game's salary structure, which calls for widely varying pay scales based on service time, has exploded at the top. Big market teams, under pressure to win from fans that know the team has money to spend, bid up the salaries of top players hitting the market to heights far out of whack with the rest of the market.

Take Carlos Beltran and Torii Hunter. Both are 2009 All Stars, outstanding center fielders …[blah blah blah they signed big contracts in big cities blah blah blah]… The result: The disparities of Beltran's and Hunter's salaries with other starting major league center fielders are far greater than the disparities in their production.

So, Beltran and Hunter are paid lots more than other starting center fielders even though they only produce a bit more? There’s just too much to cover here… differences in free agent salaries versus cost controlled players… the value of marginal production… what is valuable to one team may not be as valuable to another… your simplicity (and again, I mean retardation) is staggering.

To measure this year's most overpaid players at the All-Star break, we compared the major offensive stats--batting average, home runs, runs batted in and OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage, now a major metric of production) of each player to the league average for starters at his position.

Oh, here we fucking go.

Then we did the same with salaries. Hunter's number at the break (17 HR, 63 RBI, .304 batting average and .946 OPS) certainly outpace the American League's other 13 starting center fielders, who average eight homers, 31 RBI, .265 batting average and .754 OPS. But Hunter's $18 million salary this year is almost six times what the league's other center fielders make, on average.

Statistically, Hunter scores 53% better...

In this context, the word "statistically" means LOOK AT ME I'M MR. SMARTY-PANTS STATS GUY! I KNOW HOW TO USE STATISTICS, WHICH ARE SCARY THINGS TO LESSER MAN! BEHOLD AS I WAIVE MY JOHNSON ALOFT WITH ONE HAND AND PUSH BUTTONS ON MY HANDY-DANDY CALCULATION MACHINE WITH THE OTHER!! OOOOOO!

Statistically, Hunter scores 53% better than his peers on the field, while collecting 478% more money. Yikes. The comparison is similar for Beltran, who will sit out the All Star Game with an injury, in the National League.

Let me count the number of things you’ve ignored or done wrong in your analysis:

1) RBIs? I mean, really? You-a make-a my-a job-a too easy a-for me, uh? I will now quote myself:

RBIs as a pure counting stat are worthless in determining who is and who isn't a good hitter. RBIs are a function of the lineup and where in the lineup a player plays not how good a player is.

Thank you. I’m a genius.

2) You counted batting average and OPS as single stats, but OPS is the simple addition of two more important stats; i.e. you're weighting of said stats leaves much to be desired.

3) Of course Hunter (and Beltran) make more than the average center fielder. They’re older and have signed free agent contracts. Most center fielders haven’t been able to do that. We’re comparing apples to giant steaming bowls of poop, and as any analyst knows, you just can’t compare those two fairly.

3) Again with the looking at a single year of a long term contract. Baseball’s finances are too complex for dum-dee-dum analysis like this. Let me prove the point (if I haven’t already): When analyzing Carlos Beltran’s contract did you take any of this into account?:

a) The value of his no-trade clause.
b) The fact that his salary increases each year.
c) The value of the $22 million deferred at 1.72% compound interest.
d) The value of the Mets agreeing not to offer arbitration at the end of the contract
e) Et-fucking-cetera.

No. You didn't.

4) First you said, “we compared the major offensive stats [mentions batting average, RBIs, homers, and OPS] of each player to the league average for starters at his position.” Then you said, “Statistically, Hunter scores 53% better than his peers on the field”. I count four stats but one percentage. You didn’t [shudder] average the averages did you? (wags finger) naughty naughty…

Pitchers were measured by…

Oh shit, you’re not done?

Pitchers were measured by the number of innings and earned run average each compiled compared to the league average, along with their winning percentages relative to their teams.

Oh.

My.

God.

I have edited the crap out of the following:

[CRAP CRAP CRAP] Detroit's Nate Robertson ($7 million for a 7.71 ERA) and Cincinnati's Bronson Arroyo ($10.1 million; ERA close to six), [CRAP CRAP CRAP] biggest money risk with pitchers is injury- [CRAP CRAP CRAP]-the Yankees' Chien-Ming Wang, Tampa Bay's Scott Kazmir and Boston's John Smoltz and Daisuke Matsuzaka [CRAP CRAP CRAP].

There. Much better.

The top dogs cashing in around the league can thank the Yankee organization, of course, the best friend the baseball player's union ever had.

In case you haven’t noticed, and I’m guessing you haven’t, the Yankees are also the best friend winning has ever had (and this is coming from a Red Sox fan). Criticize their spending or their post-season performance if you like, but the Yankees have won more games in the 2000’s than any other team. Which is, you know, sort of the point.

Outfielder Johnny Damon and catcher Jorge Posada (both making $13 million, multiples of what their peers do) join Jeter on the all-overpaid top 10 list. Others include the Cubs' Kosuke Fukudome ($12.5 million) and the Orioles' Brian Roberts ($8 million).

I hardly have the energy to address this anymore, and now this cornhole is forcing me to defend the Yankees. You know what? Fine. Damon? Overpaid! Not enough RBIs. Posada? OVERPAID! Sure he’s the best hitting catcher the Yankees could’ve acquired, and an incredibly under-valued player over their recent run of success, but lets just ignore that and Bang! OVERPAID!

Fukudome? OVERPAID!
Roberts? OVERPAID!
Van Riper? OVERPAID!

True, the artificially low salaries of younger players--those with less than three years service time have little leverage and tend to make less than $1 million annually--drag down the league average.

This point probably should have been brought up TWELVE CHINCHILLION WORDS AGO!

But maybe that's just the point. Moving to a true free market for all players' services would benefit the business, as the extra supply on the market each year would mean an end to teams chasing a handful of top stars each winter.

Van Riper: Hey boss, I got a great idea for a column.
Boss: (chomping on cigar) Dah, lay it on me, there, uh, Van Riper.
Van Riper: Here’s the overview. [hands over notes]
Boss (reading out loud) Hmmm… “Baseball players are overpaid blah blah blah Derek Jeter: need I say more? Blah blah blah crappy methodology pulled out of my ass blah blah blah…” Pretty good, Van Riper, pretty good.
Van Riper: Thank you, sir.
Boss: Still, it’s missing something.
Van Riper: Whats that, sir?
Boss: Some conservative bullshit at the end. And I would definitely mention the words “market”, “command” and “equilibrium.” Maybe even mention "market" twice.
Van Riper: Perfect!

Hunter wouldn't command $18 million a season with a dozen or so other center fielders on the market. Meantime, the salaries of good younger players would rise as the market reached equilibrium.

That’s what baseball needs to keep these lousy overpaid players down: more free market economics! I say, all contracts should last for only one inning! At the end of each inning while teams are changing sides, GMs can run onto the field and intercept the players to offer them new (one inning) contracts. If players who are due up at-bat are signed by another team, the first team will just have to forfeit that at-bat. Also, the NBA should grease their courts like a bowling alley. But I digress.

Will it ever happen? Not likely, thanks to the players association. When it comes to fighting a salary cap, the union is all for free markets. But constraints that benefit players--such as minimum salaries and limited free agency that controls the supply of players each year--are just fine.

You mean the Players Union isn’t ideologically pure? HOW DARE THEY!

The owners pretty much have to live with what they created. And Jeter, Hunter and Beltran can laugh all the way to the bank.

I believe Jeter was just placed on the disabled list recently with a torn stomach muscle from laughing too hard on his way to the bank.

Great ending, by the way, Van Riper. Good call on the cliché. Though maybe next time you could come up with a less obvious one. If you’re hard up for time, may I suggest the excellent Cliché Finder. Picture Perfect!

And as for your article, I’d say, well, take your pick:

1. making a bad decision is better then making no decision at all
2. Bad hands (sports cliche)
3. something good always comes out of something bad
4. quit like a bad habit
5. colder than a bad girl's heart
6. I felt bad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet
7. bad hair day

Breaking News! Nationals Fire Manager, Will Now Win World Series!

Washington DC - Today the Washington Nationals finally fixed every problem that plagued their team by firing drooling maroon/satanist/manager Many Acta. Acta, who was well known for forcing his hitters to strike out every other at-bat and requiring all of his pitchers to throw backwards, will be replaced by SUPERHERO Jim Riggleman.

Nationals players generally expressed relief. "I hope Riggleman lets us throw strikes," said some guy who claimed to be a nationals pitcher who nobody had ever heard of. "Thank God that asshole is gone," said slugger Adam Dunn, who will now be allowed to hit home runs again. "He was totally cramping our style with all his 'ideas' and stuff. I mean, who forces his players to make outs? Really!" Dunn then took this reporter's notepad and hit it 500 feet over the center field scoreboard.

Reached for comment, Acta said he knew something was up when he awoke in the middle of the night to find Davey Johnson's head under his sheets. Later that morning, Acting General Manager Mike Rizzo fired Acta. Rizzo and Nationals President Stan Kasten released the following statement: "Thanks for ruining everything, cornhole. Please die."

Acta was the team's third manager since the franchise moved from Montreal. Previously Frank Robinson and Dribbles the Chimpanzee managed the team. Robinson now works at the commissioner's office. Dribbles was killed by poachers.

Riggleman, who's managerial record of 422-562 and winning percentage of .445 is in no way his responsibility, has previously through sheer force of will taken the Padres, Cubs, and Mariners to many mediocre finishes.

There Must Be Stupid In The Water

The Royals have done it again.

Dumb trades, ridiculous and wasteful free agent signings, and obviously wrong-headed and cheap draft choices were the hallmarks of the previous Allard Baird regime. Finally Baird was put out of his misery and Dayton Moore was brought in from the phenomenally successful Braves front office. You would think this would be a huge upgrade: an obviously incompetent boob for a well thought of up-and-comer from a successful organization.

Not so much.(PP!)

Baird went off to Boston to help the Red Sox win a second World Series in four years, while Moore's Royals have finished last, last, second to last and are currently second to last in their (mediocre) division. Despite the bad results, there has been a general feeling among (at least some) Royals fans that the organization has turned over a new leaf. They've spent more money on draft picks than ever before to stock a depleted farm system, and they initially found a diamond in the rough in free agent Gil Meche. Progress, if not out-right success.

So much for progress. Without recapping the Royals entire off-season, Moore spent time, energy, and most importantly, lots of money assembling the worst hitting lineup in the American League. You might think if the Royals couldn't hit, well maybe they can field. Nope, can't do that either. Their lineup is execrable both offensively and defensively. The Royals of recent vintage were always lousy, but at least they were lousy on the cheap. Now they're lousy and moderately expensive.

So, four paragraphs into this screed, here's what just happened that prompted the above: The Royals just traded for Yuniesky Betancourt. Here are three things you should know about Yuniesky Betancourt:

1) Betancourt is a horrible hitter. According to the super smart statisticians at baseballprospectus.com, Betancourt is worse than a replacement level player, meaning he is worse than a random player the Royals could have picked up essentially for free.

2) Betancourt isn't free. In fact, he's expensive. He's signed through 2011 at a cost of $9 million, which for a team that has averaged a $65 million payroll over the past three seasons, is not chump change. And, relative to what Betancourt provides on (and off) the field, it's a massive waste of money.

You might think, 'OK, fine. He's a horrible hitter, and he's relatively expensive. I get it, but he must have something going for him... I bet he's a great fielder.' Funny you bring that up, because that brings us to number three:

3) Betancourt is a horrible fielder. On this point there is no argument. Advanced fielding stats say he sucks. Traditional fielding stats say he sucks. Scouts say he sucks. Fans say he sucks. Verdict: He sucks.

OK, fine, but you're not that smart, mattymatty of TOOOAST!!!, what ever that is. I bet there is a wide variety of opinion about this deal. Everyone can't possibly hate it... right?

Well, actually, everyone hates it. Take a listen:

Christina Karhl of Baseball Prospectus.com (subscription required):

This is supposed to be the solution to their shortstop problem? [...] this was one pickup which has the twin misfortunes of not improving a bad unit in a meaningful way while costing more than enough to engender regret. Yippee.

R.J. Anderson of Fangraphs.com:

The Royals desperately needed a shortstop. [...] The Royals still desperately need a shortstop.

U.S.S Mariner.com (a blog that roots for the team that got rid of Betancourt):

This is what hope feels like.

Joe Posnanski:

The Royals are a team that cannot field, hit, hit with power, run or walk. They just traded for a player who cannot field, hit, hit with power, run or walk.

And the money quote, from Rany Jazayerli of the usually-quite-positive Rany on the Royals:

I no longer have any expectation that the Royals will ever win anything under the current administration. [...] this trade closes the argument that the Royals have even a superficial understanding of statistics. The Royals don’t understand the first rule of offensive statistics: that the most important offensive skill is the ability to reach base. They don’t pay any attention to defensive statistics, even though the sabermetric community has made huge strides in the evaluation of defense over the last 5-10 years: the Royals still persist in the delusion that Betancourt is a fine defensive player, even though the numbers (and a growing segment of scouts) agree that he is a liability in the field.

The Royals don’t understand statistics as they apply to the economics of baseball [...] they don’t understand the concept of replacement level: they made this trade in part out of desperation for a shortstop, not understanding that Betancourt’s performance is so bad that they could call up a team at random, offer to send them a PTBNL for that team’s starting shortstop in Triple-A, and do nearly as well. They don’t understand how a player’s age impacts his performance, because they think that Betancourt still has room to improve, even though he’s 27 years old and at the age where most players have peaked.

And finally, the Royals have no appreciation for their place in the success cycle. What bothers me the most about the trade is this: why now? The Mariners were sick to death of Betancourt, and his value was only going to go down as he crawled deeper into their doghouse. Why did a team that’s 11 games under .500 and 9.5 games out of first place feel compelled to sacrifice future talent for a stopgap?

[...]

In short, the Royals don’t seem to understand all the different ways that statistics can be used to enhance the information that they are getting from a scout’s perspective. And worse than that, they don’t seem to care.

On the bright side, at least the Royals didn't just trade for Jeff Francoeur. Once he sees Francoeur play, this guy is going to be quite disappointed:



Incidentally, according to The Baseball Nerd (a.k.a. Keith Olbermann), his name is Joel Francisco, and he is the first Mets fan with a Jeff Francoeur jersey. According to me, he just blew $250 that would have been better spent paying someone to shove a pitchfork up his anus.
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Wham! Anothah Homah!! (...off Brad Lidge)

Wham! Wham! Wham!! Wh...

Well, the Fightin' Phils managed a win tonight, but only because the Pittsburgh Pirates bear no resemblance whatsoever to the Gas-House Gorillas. (Yoo-hoo! Mista Piiii-rate!)

Brad Lidge gave up a solo homer to Brandon Moss in the ninth inning, nudging his ERA over 7. He has completely lost the ability to keep anything in the ballpark. But rather than cry woe-is-me about the warts and blemishes of the World Fucking Champions, I'll just admit the intro to this POOOAST!!! is little more than a flimsy excuse to reference Baseball Bugs, and move on.

Matty the K POOOAST!!!ed recently about a potential blockbuster trade to send Roy Halladay to the Phillies, and indeed there's both smoke and fire there, as the Philadelphia Daily News reported yesterday that the Phillies inquired about acquiring Halladay from Toronto before J.P. Ricciardi announced he'd be listening to offers.

Any Halladay blockbuster would likely involve righty pitching prospect Kyle Drabek, who recently earned a promotion to AA Reading and may be emerging as the organization's best pitching prospect as he further recovers from Frank Jobe surgery.* Which brings me to a drunken conversation I had recently about father/son Major Leaguers.

*Frank Jobe invented that bitch. Muthafuckaz be thinkin' Tommy John is a surgeon.

Of course, there are many examples: the Griffeys, the Boones, three generations of Bells; the Alomars, the Fielders, the Gwynns, and three generations of Hairstons. (Sam Hairston was a Negro Leaguer who played a few Major League games at the end of his career.)

But we couldn't think of any pitchers. The late Joe Niekro's son made it to the majors, but he was a first baseman. The first combo I could come up with was Doug and Kyle Drabek, and of course they don't count because Kyle isn't a major leaguer.

Alas, there have been many father/son Major League pitching duos, but very few involve two generations of players I've actually heard of. But there's one I'm kind of embarrassed I couldn't remember, mostly because the son has been semi-immortalized by America's Greatest Living Baseball Writer,* Joe Posnanski: of course I'm speaking of Floyd and Brian Bannister.

*As a gesture of thanks for coining the term Jeterate, I'm Jeterating Joe.

Another fairly obvious one: Mel Stottlemyre Sr. and sons Mel Jr. and Todd. Mel Sr. started three games in the 1964 World Series against Bob Gibson (1 W, 1 L, 1 ND), but the rest of his career overlapped the only era of prolonged futility in Yankees history.

Another of (foot)note: Mike Bacsik and Mike Bacsik,* the latter of which** may or may not have given up Sir Barrold Bonds' record-breaking 756th home run (hey, we'll see what ends up in the record books) and now works for Dallas sports-talk station 1310 AM.

*Not a Sr./Jr. situation as they have different middle names.

**Going back to edit this POOOAST!!!, I can't help but wonder why in the hell I made a distinction here. The latter? Really? Mike Bacsik; not the other Mike Bacsik?

Others
Jim Bagby Sr. and Jr.; Dave and Erik Bennett (Two cup of coffee guys; Dave's was unfortunately with the 1964 Phillies, and his rookie card states, "The 19-year-old righthanded curveballer is just 18 years old!" Dave's brother Dennis also played for the Phillies.); Pedro Borbon Sr. and Jr.; Joe Coleman (not Sr.) and Joe Coleman, Jr. (That's how Wiki lists them. How is that possible? If you're named after your grandfather, you're a "II", not a "Jr."... right?); Mardie and Nate Cornejo; Dick and Steve Ellsworth; Steve and Jason Grilli; Bill and Brett Laxton; Thornton and Don Lee; Glenn and Glenn Liebhart (again, not a Sr./Jr. situation); Rene and Aurelio Monteagudo (Jesus, how did I forget these two?); Julio and Jaime Navarro; John O'Donoghue and John O'Donoghue (of the famed Delaware O'Donoghues); Duane and Herman Pillette (the only father/son pair who have both led the AL in losses); Smokey Joe Wood and Joe Wood (the former was good enough to earn a nickname, the latter pitched in three games); and Clyde and Jaret Wright.

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Hello... Is there anybody (else) out there?

It's time for Dallas Stars fans to start getting their heads around the idea of Sergei Zubov finishing his career in another uniform. There have been reports of a half-dozen teams kicking the tires on the injury-plagued future Hall of Famer, and the New York Rangers are among them. The Rangers, of course, are not often outbid for a player's services. (Or to put it less charitably, they're willing to throw good money after bad, after good, after bad, ad infinitum.)

When a player changes teams at the end of his career, unless he wins a Stanley Cup with the new team*, it's often a recipe for irrelevance and erosion of the player's reputation. Who has any fond recollection of Adam Oates with the Ducks? (Or the Oilers? Or the Flyers?) Tony Amonte with the Flames, anyone? Brett Hull's five games in Phoenix? For a player long associated with one team like Zubov, we're veering into Franco-Harris-in-a-Seahawks-uniform territory.

*For example, Luc Robitaille in Detroit, Dave Andreychuk with Tampa Bay, and the grandaddy of them all, Raymond Bourque in Colorado.

And rest assured, no matter whom the Mets Rangers acquire this offseason, they are one goaltender injury away from an absolute catastrophe. Their big-dollar acquisitions have made their roster very top-heavy -- witness prized penalty killer Blair Betts still rotting on the market as an unrestricted free agent; room for only entry-level contracts on the third and fourth lines? -- and they've chosen to remedy their goal-scoring constipation of 2008-09 by spending $7.8M a year on an explosive but unpredictable laxative named Marian Gaborik.

And speaking of flaming asses, the motley assemblage of celebrities known as the Rangers are coached by legendary red-ass John Tortorella -- aka "Tortelvis" -- who never coached a player he couldn't throw in front of the No. 4 train and never met a loss for which he couldn't duck responsibility. And he's a notorious goalie-killer -- perfect for a team whose goalie is the only thing saving them from complete putrescence. At least Irina will enjoy the shopping on Fifth Avenue.

The Stars are clearly preparing for Zubov's departure, as two of the three minor moves they've made since the beginning of the free agency period have been to add defensemen. Karlis Skrastins, in addition to having one of the best names in hockey, is a top-pair penalty killing defenseman who blocks a preposterous number of shots. He's getting long in the tooth, but he never had much offensive upside anyway. Jeff Woywitka was imported from St. Louis on a very economical 2-year deal; he's a big and reasonably mobile third-pair guy who won't get you killed. A plus-8 last season on a decent-not-great Blues team, he was a first-round pick of the Flyers and was named the WHL's top defenseman in 2003; apparently he was thought to have more upside than he's shown.

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Two Trades That Probably Won't Happen, But Maybe Should

The title kinda sums this baby up, so right to it then:

#1: Roy Halladay to the Philadelphia Phillies

The defending world champion Phillies are having some pitching problems. Whereas last year everything pitching-wise the team touched turned to gold (sometimes from poop), this year they haven't been so fortunate. The Phillies are currently 14th in the National League in team ERA. But they're in first place in the NL East because they've scored the most runs in the NL and average the most runs a game (not all the teams have played the same number of games). It doesn't take a rocket fucking scientist to figure out what the Phils need.

Conversely, the Blue Jays, a good team and one which would be in the playoff picture if they were in any other division in baseball, are as good as dead. Nine games behind first place Boston in the American League East and eight behind second place New York for the wild card, the Jays are just treading water. Since they're not going anywhere, they may as well start cashing in this team and trying to build for the future. The Jays biggest trade chip is Roy Halladay, possibly the best starting pitcher in baseball and if not, certainly in the top five. He's a horse, a stud, and an ace in one package. Also, he's got a massive dong. Or, uh, so I've heard.

Halladay's contract is up at the end of next season, and he's 32 years old. The writing is on the wall: he's not re-signing with Toronto. He wants to win and, right now at least, that won't happen where he's at.

From the Blue Jays perspective, it's time to cash Halladay in for some good, cheap, young talent. From the Phillies perspective, they nead pitching. Badly. So, yes please!

Halladay is owed about $23 million over the next season and a half, a bargain if I've ever heard one, but not chump change. This, plus Halladay's desire to get a contract extension from his new team limit's the Jays options to teams with at least some dough. Many of the other teams who have been linked to Halladay by the media are in the same division as Toronto. This shouldn't be a huge impediment (if Toronto is doing the deal it stands to reason they think they're getting more than they're giving up), but if the Jays can get as much or more from a team outside the AL East, even in the NL, I'm sure they'd prefer to move Halladay there.

Lots of people have questioned the Phils minor league system, and last year that criticism was probably legitimate. But, this year there have been a number of big improvements down on the farm that make the Phils players in this sweepstakes. Carrasco, Marson, Taylor, and especially Drabek are all either valuable commodities (Carrasco and Marson) or top end prospects (Drabek and Taylor). The Phils have the chips to get it done, if they're willing to give them up.

It might take that much, and it might will kill the the Phils system, but it's worth it. The Phillies core is getting older, and by adding Halladay they'll actualize their core for another year beyond 2009 as well. Not to mention they'd make themselves favorites in the National League, or minimally co-favorites with the Dodgers. The Jays would improve their system and re-stock for the future while decreasing payroll. Sounds like a win/win to me.

#2: David Wright to the Boston Red Sox

Not unlike the Dan Duquette Red Sox of the 90's, this edition of the Mets consists of three or four amazing players and 21 or 22 reclamation projects/roster filler/utter and complete fucking garbage. Third baseman David Wright is one of the former. An excellent player, a cornerstone, and by all accounts, a stand up guy, Wright is signed to a team-friendly contract for 5 more seasons at a well below market rate of 6 years, $55 million (or 7/$71 if his 2013 option is picked up). Wright is not the problem on the Mets (despite what you might hear on WFAN), but trading him could vastly improve the team both now and even moreso a few years down the road.

Unlike the Phillies who have a very specific (and obvious) need, the Mets need everything. They're ninth in runs scored in the NL and next to last in ERA. Despite what Mets fans want to hear, this is not the roster of a World Series contender.

If you want to see a World Series contending roster, look at the Red Sox. Third in both ERA and runs scored in the AL, the Sox can compete for the championship as currently constituted. However, they're not perfect. The two teams that have scored more runs than them in the AL are both in their division (NY and Tampa), and Boston is dealing with a minor crisis with injuries to their infield corners. Mike Lowell who had major hip surgery this past off season may have re-injured it, and the Sox system, while deep, doesn't happen to have many big league ready first or third baseman who aren't already injured.

So, the Sox need either a first or third baseman who can hit (Kevin Youkilis can play both), and they have the prospects (and the cash) to pay for him. AA first baseman Lars Anderson was one of the top 20 prospects in baseball going into the season, and would be a long-term solution to Carlos Delgado. Boston also has pitching up the wazoo, with starters Michael Bowden and Clay Buchholz in AAA, along with relievers Daniel Bard and Justin Masterson already in Boston's pen. Any one of these would be a huge improvement over what the Mets are puking onto the mound.

It might take three or four of those guys plus something else or even more than that to pry Wright free, but the Sox have the prospects to get a deal done. They also have the need at third with an injured Lowell and no clear or decent replacement and only a one game lead in the toughest division in baseball. The Mets would begin to rebuild their minor league system with an eye towards building a team one half of which doesn't consist of cast-offs from the Mexican league.

Andruw Jones' best night since the Gold Club closed

The reanimated carcass of Andruw Jones clubbed home runs in his first three at-bats in Anaheim tonight and the Texas Rangers... are... back... in first place?!?! Ye gods.

Legendarily troublesome Nicaraguan drunkard Vicente Padilla took the mound tonight with an "AA" scrawled on the side of his cap, and all the optimism with which the Rangers' resurgence has contaminated my mind actually had me wondering whether he was trying to quit drinking. See here -- maybe we can wedge this tactic into a sort of "admission," like part of step 5.

Alas, whilst poking about on the interwebs, I figured out it's likely a tribute to Alexis Arguello.

Ah well, Padilla still threw the ball quite nicely... At least until he left the game with an apparent hand injury after trying to field a comebacker. His next scheduled start isn't until after the All-Star break anyway...

A few games ago, Rangers TV broadcasters Josh Lewin and Tom Grieve were opining on ugly MLB uniforms when Lewin referred to the Astros' infamous orange uniforms as "the paint-sampler unforms," which I think I like even better than "rainbow guts uniforms."

Tonight, this gem on Angels starter Ervin Santana, whose ERA at home was over 12 while his road ERA was under 4 coming into tonight's start: "On the road he's Cy Young, at home he's Sy Sperling!"

(Does anyone else remember who Sy Sperling is?)

Herewith, our own gem on Ervin Santana: He was born Johan Santana and changed his name.

And finally, in case the Gold Club reference is lost on you, a snippet of Jones' testimony in the 2001 trial of the owners of the infamous Atlanta den of ill repute:

Jones: "There were two chicks in the room messin' with each other."
Prosecutor: "What did you do then?"
Jones: “Both of them -- count it!"

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Matty's Baseball Notes: If You Read It Here, There's A Good Chance I Read It Somewhere Else First

"Baseball is a stupid game, full of arbitrarily rules, Ray. Also, your father was a drunk."

I'll save you the George F. Will-esque skirt blowing* but for the most part, baseball is a perfect game. Still there are those aspects of it, both rules and strategy, that confound me. This Matty's Baseball Notes is about that. Of course there will be poop jokes.

The Balk
As you may know, a balk penalizes a pitcher for deliberately deceiving a baserunner. And I'm not referring to dressing up like a pretty girl and then when it gets right down to it, sticking Mr. Winky where the sun don't shine. I mean trying to fool the base runner as to whether or not he's going to throw the ball home or to first base.

Of course, that is exactly what each and every pitcher tries to do on each and every pitch with a runner on base. So a balk should really be called on every pitch regardless of dangling feet, legs crossing hips, or completely stopping your arms at some point. Also, position players in the field attempt to deceive runners. Why isn't balk called on them? Well, because it's a stupid rule. Either you can deceive the baserunner or you can't. I vote 'can't.'

The Check Swing
Never in the history of sport has one rule been enforced so randomly, so arbitrarily, and so poopaliciously** as the check swing. Only on a check swing call can the umpire three feet away not see it, but the umpire 100 feet away can. Only the check swing can be called two completely different ways within the span of five minutes with both calls being correct. Or incorrect, I have no idea.

The reason I have no idea is because neither the baseball rulebook nor the umpires manual bother to define a check swing. So by lack of definition, a check swing is whatever the hell the umpire decides it is. Can you break your wrists? Can you break the plane of the back of the plate? How bout the front of the plate? How about if you twist your body around in a circle but don't really 'swing' the bat? What if you shove the entire bat up your ass and then dance a jig? Who the hell knows? Figure out one way to call it, then call it that way.

The "No Doubles" Defense.
This one is probably less known so I'll give you an example. Yesterday's Blue Jays/Yankees game. The Yankees are down by three runs heading into the bottom of the ninth at Yankee Stadium, III. The first two hitters, A-Hole and Teixeireiaei(ei) make outs. Then a single and a double put runners at second and third. With a three run lead, so the thinking goes, those runs 'don't matter'.***

So, with Hideki Matsui pinch-hitting, Jays manager Cito Gaston employs the dreaded No Doubles defense. This is not dissimilar to the Prevent Defense in football, which not coincidentally is also known as the Prevent Yourself From Winning Defense. The outfielders move back much closer to the wall than they would normally play. This is designed to avoid a ball going over an outfielder's head which would allow Matsui, the tying run currently at the plate, to get to second base where he could score on a single.

You can guess what happened in yesterday's Yankees/Jays game: Matsui hit a flare out to center field that fell right in front of charging Jays center fielder Vernon Wells. Two runs scored and Matsui, the tying run, reached first base. No question Wells would have caught it if he wasn't playing so damn deep. (You can view the video here; it's the fourth one listed just below the video player.)

The No Doubles defense may cut down on doubles, but it vastly increases the likelihood of a single. This means the Jays employed a defense that is more likely to allow those runners on base to score and the batter at the plate to reach first, all to decrease the likelihood that the batter reaches second. This is completely asinine.

The smart move is to put your fielders in position to maximize the chance to get an out, only one of which, you'll recall, will end the damn game. But no. Gaston moved his fielders all the way back, cost himself two runs, and put the tying run on base in the process. The next batter struck out, so the Jays won anyway, but there was no need for it to be as close as it was.

___
*My high school baseball coach used to use that term in introduction to some news we'd likely not enjoy. As in, "OK, ladies, I'm not going to blow one up yer skirt: you stunk."

**May not technically be a word.

***This is true, in a sense. If the Yankees only score those two runs but no more the Blue Jays will still win the game. The flaw in that thinking is that if those runs don't score the Jays win the game too.

Ever Wonder What Dennis Green And Jim Fassel Are Up To These Days?

In the history of bad ideas, there have been some doosies. The Hindenburg, a large air-born tank full of ultra-flammable hydrogen made to carry living human beings long distances, was one. Many people were killed. The Magic Hour was another. Many more people were killed. A third fortunately non-fatal bad idea was the United States Football League (no Canadians allowed, eh!).

The USFL was an alternate football league that took on the NFL in the early '80s. Although the league had some good ideas, two point conversions and a form of instant replay being two examples, the NFL was too ingrained into the American sporting consciousness to be ousted by an upstart league. Although the USFL won a lawsuit against the NFL, their award of $3.76 failed to pay their legal bills and that was basically the end of the USFL.

Since the '80s, the NFL has only increased it's grip on the American sports fan. That, plus you may have heard that the American economy is hurting worse than a guy after his fourth masturbatory session of the day. In short, this isn't the time to come out with another football league.

So, with that background, I'd like to introduce you, the American sporting public, to Another Football League: Welcome, United Football League! Huge NFL coaching giants like Jim Fassel and Dennis Green have already signed on and are prominently featured on the UFL's website.

Being new and all, the UFL needs lots of things. Like players. Know anyone who can play football? Maybe you fancy yourself a future football star? If so, just fill out this handy-dandy form and your dreams could will come true!

I sure hope so anyway because I filled one out. The following are my answers to the UFL Player Registration questionnaire (not including the Personal Information section which I filled out honestly but am not reproducing here for obvious reasons):

Football Information
Height: 5'11''
Weight: 165
Position Played: Quarterback
College: Washington College
Years Attended: 4*

Pro Football Experience
Years of NFL Participation: 0
Years of AFL Participation: 0
Years of CFL Participation: 0
40 Time: about 6**

List Awards
Always picked first in pick-up football games (always tackle - touch is for pussies)
MVP of 2009 San Francisco Adult Beach Football All-Star Game***

Comments
Rocket for arm due to unfortunate accident****, accuracy a strength, good decision making skills (example: not married until 32 years old!), graduate degree from University of Pennsylvania so very smart and hard worker, generally impressive

When I hear which try-out they've invited me to, I'll post an update. Wish me luck!

___
*Note the information provided is entirely accurate if misleading. The question asks how many years I attended school, not how many years I played quarterback for their football team. Fortunately too, because not only did I not play quarterback for Washington College but I could not have played quarterback for Washington College as Washington College does not have a football team.
**This is only a guess. (Also, I wanted to write "Yes please!" under the assumption they were referring to 40 ounces not 40 yards but at the last second I decided to take this one question seriously. I'm not sure why.)
***There was a beach football game in San Francisco which I participated in and which I threw three touchdown passes for the winning team including one on the final play of the game to win (yes, I'm tremendously awesome), although in truth no MVP was awarded and I've spruced up the name of the game a bit as it actually had no name at all.
****This is the only embellishment on the entire questionnaire, other than all the other ones. I do not, in fact, have a rocket for an arm.

Happy Fucking Fourth!

Happy Fucking Fourth, from your friends at TOOAST!!! Now, in the words of a great American, go eat a bag of dicks.

Da TruWarier Comes to LA - Ariza Instantly Forgotten

Before I started hearing the grumblings that Trevor Ariza was "insulted" by the Lakers' preliminary offer and that he was looking to leave for more money, I had hoped as a L.A. native (and UCLA alum) Ariza would relish the opportunity to play at home and challenge for another championship rather than take slightly more money for an inferior team.

What was I thinking? This is professional sports. Show me tha muthafuckin' money!

The Lakers had offered Ariza three years for the mid-level exception, a contract worth roughly $16.8 million. For a guy who averaged 8.9 PPG and 4.3 RPG last year, his best stats of his career by far, it seemed like a fair offer to me. In fact, according to reports, that was what other teams were offering Ariza as well. Most GM's learned their lesson with the Jerome James fiasco a few years ago - you don't break the bank for a player with a limited track record who had one decent run of games in the playoffs. What's Ariza's ceiling as a player anyway? 14 & 5? Apparently, Ariza felt the Lakers were dissing him by telling him to see what kind of offers he could get, and he decided he couldn't be a Laker anymore now that his manhood had been challenged.

So, I was resigned to the fact that Ariza was gone. Who then would fill the void at small forward who could provide some of the talents that he had brought to last year's championship team?

RON ARTEST????!!!

When I initially heard it, I was stunned. Artest? Really? The first thing I thought was, "How did that happen so fast?"

According to the LA Times, "The courtship of Artest began with a phone call from Magic Johnson, continued over the phone with Jackson and ended during a seal-the-deal lunch Thursday with Lakers owner Jerry Buss."

Then I thought, "What will he shave in to his head first, the Hollywood sign or the image of Jack Nicholson's crazed face from The Shining?"

While Ariza was engaging in a high-priced game of Chicken with the Lakers, they simply said, "Fine, we'll get someone far more established, a better defender who is twice the offensive player, for the same offer we made you. Have fun with whichever loser team you end up on when Kobe and Artest bitch-slap you and your true value is revealed."

"Ya, but Artest is a NUT! He'll torpedo the Lakers! He's a ball hog, and the team already has the biggest ball hog in the league on it! It'll never work!"

To that, I respond with two words: Phil. Jackson**.

Dennis Rodman was a supposed irreparable malcontent who had no interest in helping a team win before joining the Bulls. Jackson (and Jordan) held Rodman in check and he was a stud during their second three-peat.

Jackson (and Kobe) are strong enough, and I believe Artest respects them enough, so that Ron-Ron won't test his limits in L.A. The presence of Artest will make the Lakers an even stronger team defensively and during the times when Bryant is on the bench, Artest can help carry the scoring load, something that Ariza never would be able to do. Take a look at how many of those open threes that Ariza hit in the playoffs came off passes from a doubled Kobe. I've never been an Artest fan and loved it when Kobe would torch him in their match-ups, but honestly, I'd rather have Artest than Ariza.

Also, there's this uncomfortable story where, in 2008, right after the Lakers had been castrated by the Celtics in game 6, Artest snuck in to the showers where Kobe was standing alone, and told him he wanted to play with him.* The fact that TruWarier really wants to be a Laker can't be overlooked.

This is yet another case of good fortune for the Lakers. First, Derek Fisher's daughter needs special madical attention, so he is released from the Jazz and ends up on the Lakers. Then they get Trevor Ariza for a rice bowl and Pau Gasol for a couple of fry cooks. Now they exchange Ariza for a superior player. Cham-peen-chip.

Ariza and his agent quickly scurried to the Houston Rockets for a 5-year, $33 million deal, two more years than the Lakers offered at essentially the same annual figure. The Rockets won't have T-Mac or Yao next year (or Artest, eh), so maybe Ariza thinks that'll make him the ring-bearing Alpha Dog on that team. Ariza is NOT an Alpha Dog, and I can't wait to see Shane Battier telling him what to do. He may get more shots next year, but I bet his shooting percentage numbers tumble now that he won't be the beneficiary of cheating defenses. Not to totally scorch the guy, but it's kinda fitting that he's going to Houston, so that when he's providing 10 points & 4 rebounds a game for 2 years, they only have to go down the street to shoot him in to space.

The first destination that I heard about where Ariza might end up yesterday was Cleveland, and the wheels started spinning about how Nike could have a Puppet 3-on-3 in its commercials with Artest, Pau and Kobe vs. LeBron, Shaq and Ariza. The sub-plots for that Finals match-up would've been off the charts and you could almost hear the gears in David Stern's head beginning to map out how to make it happen.

So, in the end, Ariza gets "to do what's best for my family,"*** and Artest gets closer to a title and gets to live it up in Los Angeles, which he was already doing in the off-season.

Just to make this story even crazier, I hope Artest grabs jersey #8.


*That sure sounds gay, doesn't it? Does Kobe's wife need to be on guard about this relationship?

**Immediately after finishing this poooast, news came down that Phil Jackson would be back full-time with the Lakers next year.

***Yes, Ariza did issue that ridiculous cliche after inking with the Rockets. So I guess the best thing for his "family" (Ariza isn't married) is to play on four teams in six years, bouncing from coast-to-coast.

No Boo-Boo Face for Fans of the World Champs

I was preparing a text message to send to Snizza earlier today -- contents: "Time for the Phillies to shoot Ryan Madson into space" -- when my phone buzzed with an incoming text.

The text was from Snizza*, as it turns out, and said, "Artest?!??!?"

*Snizza is a Lakers fan who often writes here about the Dallas Mavericks so people won't think he's an asshole.

The text served as a reminder of what asswipes we both are. The most recently minted MLB Commissioner's Trophy rests in the display case of my favorite team, and Snizza probably still has articles of clothing in his hamper that are champagne-stained from the Lakers' championship.

Sure, Ryan Madson looks like he's throwing spitballs with sterno on them, but he pitched brilliantly for the Phillies last season... and they won the fucking World Series. I'm embarrassed to be so insufferable this quickly after a World Championship... no matter how badly the Phillies are playing.

So let's not load Madson aboard the S.S. Padilla.* Or shoot him into space. Or whatever.**

*Our friend Tommy and I had this saying, back when Vicente Padilla pitched for the Phillies, that they ought to just throw him onto a boat with half a tank of gas and send him out to sea and forget about him. For the next several years, any Phillie stinking up the joint was ticketed, in our vernacular, for said doomed vessel.

**Short of shooting Madson into space, I do think the Phils should force him to change his number back to 63. He switched to 46 this season, and while it's less, uh, Spring-Trainingy, he's pitching terribly with it. Note: His numbers don't look that awful, but ERA for a late-inning reliever is a junk stat; he's been letting in runs that get charged to the guy(s) who pitched before him. Also note: I believe in hokey horseshit like uniform numbers impacting how you play. It's a little compromise with reality for someone who generally skews Sabermetric.

Likewise, Ron Artest is the closest thing pro basketball has seen to Mike Tyson, and now apparently you can add "mercenary" to his list of negative attributes. But the Lakers won the goddamn NBA title mere weeks ago, and the same people who put that championship team together apparently thought replacing Trevor Ariza with Ron Artest was A-OK. So deal with it.

Sometimes I think we need a sign here at T!!! headquarters* that says "What Would A Patriots Fan Do?" They would turn into enormous yankdicks after seeing their team win a title. And that is not what I want to do.

*After a prolonged series of debates, T!!!HQ was established at the Lakewood Landing; it narrowly defeated Matty's laundry room in a runoff election.

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