Ron Artest May Have Just Cemented His Own Doom

Seconds ago, the Houston Rockets won the NBA championship won a playoff series for the first time in 187 years. In the post game interview, Craig Sager collared Ron Artest for a quick interview. With his final question, he referenced Artest's quote from yesterday that Brandon Roy was the best player he had ever guarded.

Sager: "Yesterday, you told me that Brandon Roy was the best player you've ever had to guard. You've got a guy named Kobe Bryant coming up next. Care to change that opinion?"

Artest: "No, Roy is the toughest guy I've guarded. He's the only guy to ever score 40 on me."

Care to place a bet on how many times Kobe drops 40 on the Rockets in the next series? If he wasn't entirely focused on dismantling the Rockets after Artest's comments yesterday, Bryant definitely is down in his basement now, sharpening the axe he will use to behead Artest in the next 2 weeks.

Conference Semifinal Picks -- Indulge Me While I Extrapolate

Heh heh heh m heh.

(2) Detroit vs (8) Anaheim

I bailed on the Wings bandwagon before it even left Mitch Albom's garage because of Chris Osgood. Simply put, he was the worst starting goaltender in the NHL this season (much worse than the late Jose Theodore, in fact). I was not aware he had a toggle switch on his back, which is currently in the ON position.

I have talked up Bobby Ryan so much during these playoffs that he is now one of Snizza's favorite players. However, he's now got a nagging injury and didn't show much jump in Game 6 vs. SJ.
Pick: Detroit in 6.

(3) Vancouver vs (4) Chicago
The last time these two teams played each other, on March 29, Roberto Luongo shut the Hawks down, Snizza's boy Byfuglien tried to lay down a drag bunt with Luongo's head, and a full-on line brawl broke out.* The highlight of the incident is when that gutless, visor-wearin' puke Alexandre Burrows starts pulling Duncan Keith's hair. (While fighting with said visor still in place, I might add.)

Chicago beat an injury-depleted and poorly coached Calgary team en route here. They have incredible offensive depth, but one of Vancouver's attributes is its defensive depth. Unless the Blackhawks can ambush a rusty Vancouver team in Game 1 and retain the upper hand with Khabibulin playing as well as Luongo (likely to happen once or twice, not likely from game to game), I think the Canuckleheads win this series.
Pick: Vancouver in 6.

*Holy mookeystinks, look at the cast of characters on that FanHouse site! You've got bought-out Dallas Morning News staffer Kevin Blackistone -- a pretty sharp guy who's unfortunately one of the most overmatched sports columnists I've ever read. Then you've got the man who unwittingly invented blogging by refusing to use any of the access he had as a Sun-Times columnist, instead doing zero legwork and lobbing off half-baked cheap shots every other day. Then -- as though that's not enough right there -- Lisa Olson!?! The woman who Zeke Mowatt harassed, who Victor Kiam called a bitch, and who fled the country to escape attacks from Boston sports fans -- including a burglary of her home?

Boston vs Carolina

What the 'Canes bring to the table: Goaltending, speed, depth, and discipline.
What the Bruins bring to the table: Goaltending, speed, depth, and senseless violence.

How to become a Boston Folk Hero:
1990 -- Swing your weenie around like a lasso in front of a female beat writer.
2003 -- Grab a 72-year-old man by the ears and fling him to the ground.
2004 -- Throw at Hideki Matsui's head.
2005 -- Throw at Derek Jeter's head.
2007 -- Throw at Bitch-Tits Rodriguez's head.
2008 -- Pretend your knee has been torn asunder, get carried off the court, then return to the game 2 minutes later.
2009 -- Cross-check some French guys in the face.
Pick: Boston in 6.

Washington vs Pittsburgh
Past performance does not predict future results. Remember that.

The Pens needed 6 games to dispatch a pretty good Flyers team, whereas the Caps needed 7 to knock out a team of zombies in Rangers uniforms. However, if you look at everything other than final scores, the Caps' performance in round 1, repeated game by game, is far more conducive to winning than the Pens' performance.

The Caps lost 3 games in the opening round via goaltending alone; their guy gave away Game 1 and the other team's guy flat-out stole Games 2 and 4. They outplayed the Rangers in virtually every other measurable way. Meanwhile, after Game 1 of their series with the Flyers (to which only one team showed up), the Pens were outplayed in every measurable way other than faceoff percentage. They even took more minor penalties than the Flyers!

I have never seen a team score more goals with no predictive value whatsoever: of Sidney Crosby's four goals in the series, one went in off his skate, one went in off his arm, one he batted in out of mid-air, and one was into an empty net. Of Malkin's four, one went in off his knee and one he batted in out of mid-air. Unless these guys have magical powers (and I'll allow for that possibility, to be honest), this can't continue. It's not predictive of future success.

What is also not predictive: The Caps were 3-0-1 against the Penguins this season. Only the three wins were before the trade deadline, and two were before the Pens shitcanned Michel Therrien.

Simeon Varlamov was barely tested by a Rangers team that, except for the first two periods of Game 7, looked like they were standing around waiting to be sent home. This won't continue against the Pens, especially if Ovechkin continues to take 72-second shifts and turn the puck over in the neutral zone a half-dozen times a game. I think Varlamov is going to have to make a lot of tough saves in this series, and I have no idea if he's capable. Marc-Andre Fleury, however, was tested quite a bit by the Flyers and showed he's in top form.

I will be rooting for the Caps as though they are my own hometown team. But I'm just not feeling too great about their chances.
Pick: Pittsburgh in 6.*

*I was going to pick the Pens in 7, but if this series reaches a seventh game, there is no way the Penguins win it in Washington.

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NHL Playoffs - Round Two, aka Where Stoopid Jeans Will Get You Shat On

Time to drop my predictions for round two, and divulge my new found man-crushes on a couple players.

WEST:

Vancouver vs Chicago:

I fucking HATE the Canucks and find it hard to pick them to win anything, let alone a playoff series against the Blackhawks, a fun team to watch that sports one of my new favorite players: Dustin Byfuglien. I love his size, skill and the fact that he's 'Murican. I hate the Sedin bitches and want to see them in a tear-filled embrace at center ice after losing this series. Luongo is a badass, but I think the hot Hawks power play will break through and take Chicago to the next round.

Chicago in 6.

Detroit vs Anaheim:

Detroit is scary good and rolls legions of offensive talent over the boards. The Ducks' goalie Jonas Hiller will have to play out of his mind to allow Anaheim to keep up. That said, I have a feeling that the bruising line of Getzlaf - Perry - Ryan (my other new fave player) will have the brawn to make the Wings work more than they'd like. In the end though, not even the retarded kid in the Red Wings net will hold them back.

Wings in 7.

EAST

Boston vs Carolina:

Boston is the better team and has the history and uniforms that many people want to grab on to. Tim Thomas is likely going to win the Vezina this year, but Cam Ward has a Cup and a Conn Smythe on his mantle and he'll hold his own. I'm feeling a Canes run like in 2005. I also think that the long layoff the Bruins just sat through could cost them game 1 and have them chasing the series from the get go.

Carolina in 7.

Washington vs Pittsburgh:

All I'm hearing is "Ovechkin vs Crosby! It's like Magic vs Bird!" One word for you: Evgeni Malkin. While those other two players are getting all the ink, Malkin is quietly getting ready to have a huge series. The fact that the Capitals had so much trouble dispatching a Rangers team that is about one-fifth as talented offensively as the Penguins should have Caps fans nervous. And I love Ovechkin, but he wears fucking gay jeans and tank tops, and that tips the scales firmly in Pittsburgh's favor.

Penguins in 5.

A-Rod = Bitch Tits (I Swear I'm Not Making This Up)

What can I say about Alex Rodriguez that hasn't already been said? He's a narcissist? He's a great baseball player? He wears purple lipstick? He's a total douche? All have been said, and as far as the truth of those statements goes, [shakes magic 8 ball] 'signs point to yes'.

On top of his personal foibles, most of which are forgivable especially if you are a Yankee fan, Rodriguez was recently outed as a steroid cheat. This was less forgivable, even to some Yankee fans. In something straight out of community theater, Rodriguez, surrounded by uniformed teammates, admitted to about a billion reporters that he used for three years while he was with the Texas Rangers, but stated over and over that he did not use before or after his time in Texas. His mea culpa didn't do much to answer other questions, such as, (off the top of my head), "Really?" and "No fucking way, you liar!" but what can you do*.

Well, now it seems that Rodriguez, who has yet to play a game this season due to hip surgery, may have just very slightly undersold himself a tad. (Is that enough equivocation?) An article out in today's New York Daily News quotes an upcoming book, appropriately and creatively titled, "A-Rod", as saying that Rodriguez had been using steroids since high school. Just for reference, Rodriguez is now 32 years old, meaning he has been out of high school for fourteen years.

But wait! There's more! It also says that he's still using now, including all of his five plus seasons with the Yankees. Also, his nickname in the team's clubhouse is "bitch tits."

So, I guess my only question is how is ol' Bitch Tits going to top all this? Will he be caught rubbing anuses with a goat? How about putting his penis against the third rail of the El train for kicks? Keeping a collection of freeze dried animals in his basement? What about putting the anus of a freeze dried goat up to the third rail of the El tracks? Uh... I have to go now.

*"What can you do" when applied to Rodriguez is a statement, not a question

Homerism at it's Donkey Dick Worst

As a Mavs fan, it would seem that I would enjoy it when an announcer mocks Dwyane Wade. I guess I do, but only to a point, and these clips from the Atlanta Hawks radio broadcast are probably he worst examples of crass homerism that I have ever heard. They paint such a one-sided picture that anyone listening would get a completely inaccurate feel of the game. It's propaganda that would even make Rush Limbaugh jealous.

When this Hawks-Heat series started, I was listening to the Hawks radio feed of game 1 on the radio and texted to BMFS that this crew was going nuts about the refs favoring Wade. And they were doing it at the beginning of game one! They didn't even allow the series to unfold at all. Talk about artificially raising the ire of your fan base. What slimebags.*



*Last night, while watching the Nuggets continue to launch threes while having a 20-point lead over a Hornets team that had so clearly given up with 2 minutes left in the game, I asked "Is there a more classless team than the Nuggets?" BMFS replied, "Yes, the Hawks." No diggity. Man I hope Wade goes 2006 on their ass. Where's Bennett Salvatore when you need him?

Where Does Amazing Come From?

It's my favorite time of year - playoff time in both the NBA and NHL - and that means one thing: I drink way too much and don't sleep enough. Hey, you gotta go out and break down the games with the guys, right? (aka "Honey, we need some milk. I'll be right back.") The eventual drunken sports talk inevitably results in silly pontification of useless sports claptrap like Are You Smarter Than A Denver Broncos GM? or Who Really Is the Best Player to Wear #29 in the NHL? (Joel Otto).

Watching the end of the Utah Jazz - LA Lakers game the other night and watching the mad skillz of Deron Williams (who also wins the Soul Glo Worst Hair in the NBA Award), I commented that the Dallas area may be among the most productive cities in terms of churning out pro ballers.

It's on! What city really does pump out the most and best hoopstahs?

It seemed simple enough. All I needed to do was just go to each team's roster and see where they went to high school.* One problem. The fucking InterNutz doesn't have any such rosters. I had to individually check each player. (Good thing I'm getting paid so handsomely for this, eh).

Enough bitching. I selected what I felt would be the most obvious cities: LA, New York, DC/Baltimore, Philadelphia, Houston, Chicago, Detroit, the Bay Area and good ol' Big D. Out of all of the players from each city, I selected a starting five, then listed the "benches"and then ranked the squads from worst talent factory to Hoop Babylon.

Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll puulleeezze...

9. DETROIT
Not only were there surprisingly few players in the league from this area, but the only five I did find pretty much stink. Poor Detroit. Shitty football team, imploding auto industry, and now this hair ball of a roster:

Paul Davis
Charlie Bell
Maurice Ager
Chris Douglas Roberts
Willie Green.

That's it. Five players. Oof.

8. HOUSTON:
Huge wasteland of a city. Pretty much a wasteland of good ballers too.

Emeka Okafor
Daniel "Boobie" Gibson
T.J. Ford
Gerald Green
Ronnie Price

Bench: Jake Voskuhl. That's it. There's a reason it's called Space City - you want to shoot this shitload of a squad right out in to space.

7. BAY AREA:
Cool place to live. Not much of a basketball factory though:

Jason Kidd
Leon Powe
Drew Godden
Eddie House
Roger Mason, Jr.

Bench: Chuck Hayes, Mark Madsen, Ryan Anderson.


6. D.C./ BALTIMORE:
As I don't know this area at all, I'm pretty sure I accidentally left a player or two off that should be considered a product of DC/Bodymore. Fuck it though. It would take a lot to get this chumpy team competitive with those ahead of it. Also, they have ZERO depth.

Kevin Durant
Rudy Gay
Jeff Green
Roy Hibbert
Delonte West

Bench: Mark Blount, Keith Bogans, Juan Dixon.


5. NEW YORK:
You know how Austin, TX calls itself the "Live Music Capital of the World" when it's really not much better than any other big city? Well, those that refer to NYC as the "Mecca of Basketball" are pretty much delusional too.

Ben Gordon
Joakim Noah
Rafer Alston
Ron Artest
Sebastian Telfair

Bench: Stephon Marbury, Speedy Claxton. Shit Sandwich.


4. DALLAS:
I knew DFW would have a pretty good starting five, but I was pretty surprised at the number of Dallas-based ballers that are in the L:

Chris Bosh
Deron Williams
Kenyon Martin
Darrell Arthur
C.J. Miles

Bench: Acie Law, Jason Maxiell, Anthony Randolph, Maceo Baston, Quinton Ross, Desmond Mason, Tony Battie, Ike Diogu, Kurt Thomas.


3. PHILADELPHIA:
Dallas actually had more players in the league, but the starting unit of the Philly squad is pretty top-heavy.

Kobe Bryant
Richard Hamilton
Rasheed Wallace
Cuttino Mobley
Jameer Nelson

Bench: Flip Murray, Matt Carroll, John Salmons, Kyle Lowry, Mardy Collins, Hakim Warrick, Malik Rose.

Now, the two cities that were markedly superior to their competition...

2. CHICAGO:
Not only do you get robbed at gunpoint, duct taped and held captive in your own home in Chicago, but it's also likely that you know how to play ball as well.

Kevin Garnett
Dwyane Wade
Derrick Rose
Corey Maggette
Michael Finley

Bench: Tony Allen, Shannon Brown, Juwan Howard, James Singleton, Will Bynum, Luther Head, Bobby Simmons, Eddy Curry, Quentin Richardson, Dee Brown.


And now we reach Numero Uno. And this was a fucking landslide.

1. LOS ANGELES:
I was stunned at the volume of players that came out of the LA area. While Chicago's starting five might be a little stronger than LA's, the Los Angeles roster can throw WAVES of basketball studs at you. (Get it? Los Angeles...waves...as in beaches...never mind):

Paul Pierce
Baron Davis
Tayshaun Prince
Tyson Chandler
Gilbert Arenas

Bench: Gabe Pruitt, Ryan Hollins, Jason Hart, Arron Afflalo, Amir Johnson, Trevor Ariza, Jordan Farmar, Dorrell Wright, Austin Croshere, the Collins Brothers, Kevin Ollie, Craig Smith, Russell Westbrook, Andre Miller, Bobby Brown, Jacque Vaughn, Hassan Adams, Jason Kapono, Nick Young. Yikes!


So what did I learn from this? To shut my fucking mouth when I'm drunk.


*I used their high school, as opposed to birth place, as I felt that it was more indicative of where the player grew up.

Matty's Round 2 Picks: Who The Hell Is Ken Beatrice?

I've long thought that being the worst at something must be as difficult as being the best. When you think about it only one person can be the worst, just as only one can be the best. So, in a way, being the worst is as impressive as being the best. So, my point: I'm awesome.

Before I pollute this series of tubes with my second round picks, I must remind all you peeps that I know virtually nothing about hockey. Sure, there was that time I checked my brother through the closet door when playing floor hockey in socks in our parent's basement, and when playing club hockey in college a fat guy punched me in the face and I fell down, but the makings of a hockey predicting savant these are not.

So, this is how we must do:

EAST
1. Boston vs 6. Carolina
- There is little chance that Carolina will win this series. What I wrestle with is how competitive it will be. Will it be two soccer moms fighting over the last Tickle Me Elmo doll the day after Thanksgiving competitive or fat guy in "I'm with stupid ->" t-shirt falls into hungry polar bear pit competitive?
Matty's Pick: Boston in 5

2. Washington vs 4. Pittsburgh
- You can make a strong case the Caps didn't deserve to win Game 7. But, as a famous radio personality used to say, "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts, oh what a party we'd have because there would be lots of butts and nuts and I fucking love those things." Please note: This won't be funny to anyone who didn't grow up in the DC area and/or hasn't heard Ken Beatrice. I'd also note that I haven't seen Evgeni Malkin but I'm told he's very good. Bye now!
Matty's Pick: Washington in 7 (Unleash the fury!)

WEST
2. Detroit vs 8. Anaheim
- There is no way Anaheim is going to beat both San Jose and Detroit. It just isn't going to happen. Write it down, take a picture, stick that picture up your ass, slam a giant studded dildo up your ass repeatedly, drink some coffee [DELETED BY NETWORK]
Matty's Pick: Detroit in 4

3. Vancouver vs 4. Chicago
- Hey Chicago, how'd that Huet contract work out for you, eh? Maybe you'll think twice when you steal someone else's goaltender now, you... uh... big idiots. Also, when you make pizza the cheese goes on top! Yeah!
Matty's Pick: Vancouver in 7

Conference Semifinals -- Scratch My Butt, Sucko!

No issues were brought up regarding my drunken spreadsheetery, so here are the standings after Round 1:

Aaron -- 96
Rufus -- 88
Bill -- 87
Clint -- 86
Kevin -- 81
Lousy -- 81
Snizza -- 78
Adam -- 75
BMFS -- 75
zx147 -- 72
Labz -- 69
Ryan -- 67
Matty -- 66

Scoring's the same for the Conference Semis, then double next round. Here are the brackets for round 2:

EAST
1. Boston vs
6. Carolina

2. Washington vs
4. Pittsburgh

WEST
2. Detroit vs
8. Anaheim

3. Vancouver vs
4. Chicago

Thanks to those who've posted picks already. To all others: bring tha stoopid like Johnny Nutzorella and send in yr picks before Thursday at 9 PM EDT.

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Caps In The Playoffs: Game 7, Round 1: Stealing The Milk Money From A Big Fat 7 Year Old*

After two periods last night I was ready to fire Bruce Boudreau. That's reigning NHL Coach of the Year Bruce Boudreau. That's leading the Caps to the second best record in the Eastern Conference and the second best record in team history Bruce Boudreau.

Yup, that guy. Fire his ass.

Get him outta here. Because you don't go into a Game 7 in your own building and lay a big stinky turd in the first two periods and keep your job. You don't get to show up in Game 7 and hang out by the faceoff circles with your pack of non-filter Pall Malls shooting the shit. You don't show up in a Game 7, flash your MVP trophy, you Coach of the Year trophy, your Sexiest Man Ass trophy, or what have you, and expect the other team to bow down to you, throw on an apron and bake you a batch of super soft chocolate chip cookies. Cause it ain't going to happen. Get all your regular season awards, pile 'em up high and light 'em on fire, cause they ain't worth shit in the playoffs, son.

You have to play hard... you know what? If it's Game 7 and you haven't figured that out yet, there isn't much hope for you.

Then the smoke cleared after the first two periods and somehow the Caps were tied 1-1 with New York. Don't ask me how it happened, I have no idea. I was hiding under the couch with my fingers in my ears loudly yelling "Pretty flowers in a field! Pretty flowers in a field!"

Then, in a dream (I must have passed out at some point), Sergei Fedorov appeared to me wearing a white gown and carrying a Rogue Oregon Golden Ale and a naked picture of Anna Kournikova. He gently coaxed me out from under the couch and pointed at the screen where Fedorov himself was roaring down the wing. He put on the breaks, pointed at someone in the stands, took what I assume was a shot of absinthe but may have been straight Maalox, and fired the puck over Henrik Lundqvist's glove hand. Game over, series over.

Then, because a Hall of Famer's work is never done, he injured Sean Avery on the next shift. Four minutes later, the Caps dogpiled on Simeon Varlamov celebrating the franchise's first playoff series win since the Y2K disaster.

Soon after, the NJ Devils redefined "choke" by giving up two goals with a minute to go and a one goal lead. So the Capitals will face Pittsburgh. Fortunately there are three whole days before the series starts, so there should be ample time for the media to give itself a collective reach-around. Yay.

***

In other news, I've heard from the kids on the street that Lori at Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes is a Penguins fan. As a card carrying Capitals Fan who still finds it painful that we once employed Jaromir Jagr, I'd like to challenge her to some kind of bet. I know when you ask a girl on a date you're supposed to have something in mind though... hmm... how about this: if the Caps win I get to post a pro-Caps post on her website. If the Penguins win, she gets to post a pro-Flightless Water Fowl post here. Deal?

* I have no idea what this means.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Picks Pool: If You Predicted Any 5-Game Series, You Fail

I'm somewhat inebriated -- go Mavs! -- but I updated the picks pool spreadsheet anyway, in the interest of expediency. I probably screwed up more things than I did correctly, but here's what I done gots so far. Check your score and let me know if I messed it up. I will look at everything again on Wednesday and check my math. I can spell things correctly when I've been drinking, but I make no guarantees as to math. Stupid left brain...

As you can see, provided my math is correct, my buddy Aaron is leading the field after the conference quarterfinals, having predicted seven of eight series correctly. (The only one he missed, SJ/ANA, everyone missed.) In his immediate wake is the entire Dallas contingent of poolies, sans -- of course -- my dumb ass and Snizza's Canadian (read: dumb) ass.

Bringing up the part of the line that looks like Ryan Getzlaf's face is none other than Dirrrrty Souf hip-hop impresario Matty Matty 2000, who went off the rails immediately with his prediction that the Red Sox would win the Stanley Cup. Let's go Caps!

I can only assume that Aaron's prognosticating prowess is somehow related to the incomprehensible acreage of marijuana we used to incinerate while watching playoff hockey some years ago. (I can't speak for him, but I recall getting so addled I couldn't even read the score on the television set. Still, somehow, I could see a backdoor cut play materializing on a power play before it actually happened.) That, or the cessation of said practice. Probably the latter... though it didn't do me any good, clearly.

Corrections to the spreadsheet to follow, surely.

Second round starts Thursday with Chicago at Vancouver. (Yes, the team with more points does not have home-ice advantage. Still, it's better than the way the NBA does it.)
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This Series Goes To Eleven

Last year's seven gamer against the Philadelphia Flyers was filled with aggression at the start, which quickly morphed into a combination of hatred and respect as the series progressed through seven games.* In many ways it was the epitome of how playoff hockey should be played. Hard hitting, great goaltending on both sides, with both teams displaying intense will to win.

This year, the Capitals have drawn the New York Rangers as a first round opponent, and superficially the series has worked itself out in a very similar fashion. The Caps found themselves down three games to one and have fought back to tie the series and force a game seven on home ice. Except the incidents surrounding this series have been utterly bizarre. The presence of Sean "Don't Call Me Steve" Avery accounts for some of that. This series, Avery's antics boiled down to punching people and getting penalized for it, but that isn't newsworthy.

Even forgetting Avery for a second, the series has taken a strange turn. To wit:

1. The Rangers head coach sprayed fans and then threw the water bottle at them during the third period of game 5 in DC. That act was so well received that Tortorella decided to do an encore which featured waiving a hockey stick at the fans and attempting to climb into the stands presumably to enjoy a cup of tea with them. He was suspended. From the Department of Irony Department: Tortorella was restrained by the only other head coach to ever be suspended in the history of the NHL playoffs, Jim "Have another doughnut, you fat pig!" Schoenfeld.
   
   
2. The Rangers GM Glen Sather was so incensed by the conduct of the fans in DC during Game 5 that he wrote a letter (?) to league president Gary Bettman. In that letter, Sather a) complained about the "obscene language" used by Caps fans, b) claimed that the Caps organization had purposefully mis-installed the glass behind the Rangers bench making it easier for fans to scream obscenities at the visitors, and c) invited Bettman and his wife, Mable**, to dinner at the Sather household.
   
   
3. During Game 6 in New York, Donald Brashear hit Ladell Blair Betts late from behind resulting in what the NY Times is saying is a broken orbital bone, which is the bone around the eye. Brashear, who was not penalized on the ice for the hit, has since been suspended for six games.
   
   
4. Possibly in retalization for the Brashear hit on Betts, Brandon Dubinsky of the Rangers laid a late and dangerous hit from behind to the head of Mike Green of the Caps well after Green had played the puck. Green's head hit the boards at a dangerous angle. During the resulting scrum, Dubinsky, who was penalized for his hit but has not been suspended, claimed that Shaone Morrisonn of the Capitals bit him. Morrisonn, who usually wears a visor on his helmet, was shocked to hear of this accusation.
   

And all this is before a Game 7 has even been played. Should be an interesting one tonight, eh?


*As always, I am speaking from a fan's perspective. I have no idea how the players feel or felt towards each other.
**Could also be "Patricia"

Delicious Humiliations Galore! Sox Sweep Yanks

Get in your time machine and go back to any day ever before October of 2004. Grab the first schmo on the streets of Boston wearing a Red Sox hat and tell them the following information: The Red Sox are facing the Yankees in Boston. One team blows a two run lead with two outs in the bottom of the ninth to lose the first game, blows a 6-0 lead the next day also to lose, and then gives up a straight steal of home plate the following day to get swept. Nobody would say that team would be the Yankees. But it was. I now have an erection.

The Greatest Closer Ever started the weekend off right by giving up a fucking biz-omb to Jason Bay with a runner on, two outs, and a 4-2 lead. Good bye lead, hello extra innings. Not to be out-done, Damasio Marte gives up another moon shot, this one to Kevin Youkilis in the 11th: Yankees lose! Yankees lose! Tha-ah-ah-ah-ah Yankees loooose! Incidentally, guess the last time the Red Sox tied the Yankees with a homer in the bottom of the ninth and then beat them with a walkoff homer in extras. Never, that's when. Fucking never. I now have another erection. (It's my other penis.)

Cut to game two on Saturday. $85 Billion Million man A.J. Burnett has a 6 run lead and is cruising going into the fourth inning. For the remaining five and a half innings the Red Sox out-score the Yankees 16-5, highlighted by a Jason Varitek grand slam. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason Varitek made contact with a pitch. I know, I was dumbfounded too.

Then Sunday night on "Natinal" TV, the coup de grace. With Andy "I had no idea there was a needle sticking out of my anus but I feel terrible about it. Honestly." Pettitte on the mound and the bases full, Jacoby Ellsbury pulls the first straight steal of home plate that I can remember. The play probably didn't matter - the Red Sox were already leading 2-1 and the Yankees wouldn't score again, but it was emblematic of the humiliation visited upon the visitors from New York.

How do you let a guy steal home plate on you? Admittedly it's tough to do, but you absolutely have to follow these important rules.

1) Do not, under any circumstances, pay attention to the runner on third. You can signal your intent to do this by pitching from the wind up.

2) Make sure the third baseman is playing so far off the line he could reasonably be confused with the shortstop.

3) Despite the fact that a left handed hitter is up giving a clear view of third base, the catcher should never, ever, never, never, look there.

4) Throw only curve balls. They take longer to get to the plate and are more difficult to catch.

The really funny thing about it is that, if you watch Ellsbury, he trips and falls right as he reaches home plate. It was downplayed by the media, but he really takes a tumble. And the Yankees still couldn't get him out.

It's only April, so none of this really matters, but it is hard not to suppress a couple chubbies over it anyway.

Caps In The Playoffs: Game 6, Round 1: Isn't This Series Over Yet?

Image ripped off NY Times here

Reading the New York Times this morning was fun. Not only did the Red Sox complete a sweep of the Yankees last night (more on that later as time and crazy babies allow), but the Caps dominated the Rangers to send the series back to Washington for a decisive Game 7 Tuesday night. The final score was 5-3, but the Rangers scored two goals in the third period, or what has been known recently as garbage time.

The Caps jumped out to a 5-1 lead midway through the second period and then coasted, perhaps a bit too much, taking undisciplined penalties and failing to play defense. If a reversal of fortune happens in DC on Tuesday, guaranteed, the third period of Game 6 will be will be where everyone turns.

For now though, the Caps are flying high, beating, nay Crushing!* the Rangers on home ice. The ever supportive ranger fans booed the hell out of the home team routinely throughout not just the third, but the second period. For the second time in two games, savior/goalie Henrik Lundqvist was yanked following the second intermission. He'll certainly start game 7, but if anyone is in any one's head now, it's the Caps in Lundqvist's.

Despite all the celebration (and there was much) on Sunday, this was Game 6, people, not Game 7. You don't win shit for winning game six when you go into it down 3-2. Gotta have Game 7 too (see, "Washington Capitals, 2007-8"). Hockey momentum can turn on a dime as we've all seen over and over again, but any observer of this series would likely have to admit that it is difficult to imagine the Rangers winning Game 7 on Tuesday.

To my under-educated eye, the difference between the first four games and the last two is simply Rangers goaltending. I'm certain someone more familiar with the intricacies of the game could better point out any change in strategic tendencies etc., but Henrik Lundqvist's inability to stifle the Capitals combined with his recent proclivity to allow a soft goal (or two) in the first period has led directly to the Capitals last two victories and their pulling even in this series. If Lundqvist is on his game there is no reason the Rangers can't steal yet another game from the Capitals on Tuesday night. If not, the Rangers are cooked. But they might be cooked anyway.

*Like Ichiro!

Suspend The Jackass UPDATE: Jackass Suspended!

At the end of Game 5 of the Capitals/Rangers playoff series, Rangers head coach John Tortorella (Tortelvis to some) did some or all of the following (covered by us here):

1) Sprayed water into the stands
2) Brandished a stick
3) Removed one of those tags from his mattress
3) Murdered a goat and covered himself in its blood and entrails
4) Threw a projectile, possibly a llama or a water bottle (replays were inconclusive), into the stands striking Chuck Knoblauch's mom directly in the anus

For all/none of those actions, the NHL has rightfully suspended his highly lame ass from Game 6, later today. The Washington Post quoted NHL league disciplinarian Colin Campbell with the following statement:

While it is a difficult decision to suspend a coach at this point in a playoff series, it has been made clear to all of our players, coaches and other bench personnel that the National Hockey League cannot -- and will not -- tolerate any physical contact with fans. We do not take this action lightly. But, most importantly, the National Hockey League would like to thank the good people of the website TOOOAST!!! (www.toooast.com) for not only bringing this circumstance to our attention, but for giving me specific instructions for how to deal with it properly.

No prob, Col. Glad to help out, babe.

Suspend The Jackass!

Photo ripped off the Washington Post website here.

Last night at the Phone Booth, Rangers coach John Tortorella opted not to dress Steve Sean Avery for the game. So, without Avery, which Ranger player would supply the requisite bucket of dumbass? As it turns out, none would, so Tortorella took the job upon himself.

With his team utterly defeated in the third period, Tortilla turned to the fans behind him, yelled at them, and then sprayed them with his water bottle. Then, as if that weren't enough, he chucked the water bottle into the stands, striking Keith Olbermann's mom Capitals season ticket holder Claudette Chandonia in the head. The Washington Post has a run down of all the action here.

The short of it is this attack was provoked only by the result on the ice. Tortilla essentially attacked someone in the stands. In its quest for fan friendliness, the NHL should not tolerate behavior of this nature. If a player did that he would certainly be suspended, and so should Tortorella. At minimum, he should be suspended for the rest of this series, if not longer. I won't hold my breath waiting though.

Squinty Eyes Don't Make You Scary, Mr. Lion.

Hey everybody, look at the new guy over there!

Hey Lion, you can change your facial expression all you want, and make your mane look all extra-stylish and shit, but you know what, you're still a pussy. And your new font is gay too. You know what I think of when I look at you? Zero. As in, zero wins last year. As in, no chance to be a factor in the upcoming football season. You're a powder blue lion in the wreckage of a city known as Detroit. If you're so cool and shit, why don't you take your bad self to Manhattan or something and nail some supermodels?

You may think, "Dude, the Curse of Bobby Layne is over this year. This is the year I get out from all of the years of mismanagement and drafting repeated busts at wide receiver. Sheeit, we're even drafting a sexy new QB who went to the same high school as Layne. How cool is that? What are the odds? It must be sign that things are going to turn around."

Whatever, you so called King of the Beasts. More like Drag Queen. Those new lines on you may make you think you have big muscles, like you just got done working out at the gym, but as soon as you get punched in the face, you're gonna lay down and pass out like you just ate a gazelle - a gazelle you couldn't even catch yourself. You make your women do all the dirty work.

Bottom line Lion, nobody's scared of you. We laugh at you and leave burning bags of poop outside your den. What are you gonna do? Growl at me? Whatever. Besides, you're probably late for your cut & blow dry appointment for your mane.

Of course, this is nothing more than a blatant rip off, and salute to, the greatness of fuckyoupengin.com.

Up 3 Games to 2 and in a Whole Mess of Trouble? (Or: "The NutzBus Takes Manhattan")

Everyone was well aware Sean Avery was in the press box for tonight's Game 5 between the Rangers and Capitals, but where were the 18 skaters who were actually given a uniform by John Tortorella? Looked like a bunch of empty uniforms out there.

Tortorella decided to remove the distractions and give Avery the ol' "DNP - CD" for tonight's game, but the rest of the team showed up with absolutely no starch in their shorts and got rolled and smoked like a cigarette by the Caps. A result of Avery's absence? Possibly; the Rangers often looked flat before their repatriation of Avery.

However, tonight the Rangers looked competitively flat, not emotionally flat -- the disorganization and lack of discipline that prompted Tortorella to bench Avery persisted in Game 5. A fire-wagon line change resulted in a bench minor early in the game. Aaron Voros -- inserted into the lineup in Avery's place -- took a senseless penalty in garbage time, much as Avery had in Game 3.

And most tellingly, Tortorella himself lost his composure and got into an altercation of sorts with a Capitals fan (or fans) in the first row behind his team's bench. Perhaps this was a strategic move on the part of "Tortelvis" -- now the reporters might ask him about his own short-tempered antics on Friday rather than those of Avery in Games 3 and 4.

Regardless of the etiology of the Blueshirts' faceplant tonight, one thing is for certain: The Sean Avery Traveling Roadshow is back in full swing. An uncontrollable perpetual distraction in Dallas, then a useful agitator with outstanding straight-line speed with the Rangers, and now, come playoff time, back to his Dallas incarnation as a mouthy albatross. Why?As blogged here before, seemingly whenever Avery stepped over the boards in a Stars uniform, a referee would blow his whistle and haul him away. But with the Rangers at the end of the regular season, seemingly every time Avery stepped over the boards, a referee would blow his whistle and haul away a player from the other team. (Avery actually averaged about 0.7 fewer penalty minutes per game, or one third of a minor, with the Rangers vs. the Stars.) I am still trying to figure that out.

Avery made the abrupt transition from asset to liability in Game 3, when the Caps first decided to dress their "policeman," Donald Brashear. Late in the regular season and in the playoffs, teams are usually loath to dress a tough guy, and fighting majors decline precipitously.

In Game 3, when the refs started paying close attention to Avery, it seemed to me that Avery was less able to pick his spots when to attempt to irritate another player: it was out of the question any time Brashear was on the ice. Was this "nuclear deterrent" actually effective?

It may be a coincidence, but the two stretches in Avery's career in which he seemed most effective were late in seasons with the Rangers, after they first acquired him from the Kings via trade and later claimed him from the Stars off re-entry waivers. Conversely, in the relatively low-leverage early games of the season, like the 23 Avery played with Dallas this season, nearly every team dresses a purpose-built brawler.

Perhaps Avery's opposing players police him better than the officials do. (And the instigator penalty needs to be dumped, and Don Cherry needs another Lipitor.) Or perhaps this is all bunk. But one thing is for sure -- if it's possible for a team leading a seven-game series 3 games to 2 to be in trouble, the Rangers are just that.

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Caps In The Playoffs: Game 5, Round 1: Dominate You Very Much

**Now with video below

It seems we're vacillating between the Caps dominating the Rangers and crushing them on the scoreboard and the Caps dominating the Rangers and the Rangers winning by one goal purely on the strength of their goal tending. Tonight it was the first, as the Caps controlled the play from the outset, scoring four goals (with two waived off) while any time the Rangers threatened Simeon Varlamov stopped them cold.

After the first period the outcome of the game was never in doubt. The only question was in what crazy circus-like way would Alex Ovechkin score a goal. Video hasn't been posted yet, but when it is I'll put it up here. Suffice it to say it involved several goats, a bucket full of mozzarella, and what looked to be an '87 Chyrsler LeBaron.

Although he had a good game, Ovechkin wasn't the story. The entire Caps team out-played New York in every category (again), and this time the difference showed on the scoreboard. The Rangers aren't likely to get dominated like this again in the series, so don't expect any more 4-0 games.

If the Caps continue to put up this kind of team-wide effort, there should be even money on them to win the next two.

Game six will be in New York on Sunday. A couple quick goals in that game will go far towards bringing the series back to Washington for a seventh game.

That’s My Quarterback!, Episode 17: That’s Not My Quarterback

Someone once said that NFL stands for Not For Long. It could also stand for Never Fuck Llamas, but that’s neither here nor there. After seeing the Redskins trade up in the draft to pick him, and tailor a coaching search specifically around the ability to teach him, Jason Campbell has spent the off-season watching the Redskins do everything they can to replace him. First, there was the dalliance with the Broncos over the multi-chinned Jay Cutler. That fell through when the Broncos traded Cutler and his chins to Chicago. Now word on the street is the Redskins are intent on trading up in the draft (again – are you sensing a theme here?) so they can chose USC flavor of the week quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Ignoring for a minute the question of whether or not a Mexican can play quarterback in the NFL, clearly the team must be operating with multiple plans simultaneously. One plan is to win now. That calls for signing defensive linemen to $100 million contracts and cornerbacks to $55 million contracts a few hours after free agency starts. The other plan calls for trading a bunch of draft picks so that you can choose a rookie quarterback. I say multiple plans because nobody in their right mind would spend $250 million on free agents and then hand that team over to a rookie quarterback. That’s like buying a Lamborghini and handing the keys to your sixteen year old son, the one with the drinking problem. Hey, it’ll probably work out, right?

There is a reason the Redskins have won jack shit since Dan Snyder took over the franchise a decade ago (that’s a billion light years in Redskin Fan Years), and that reason is Snyder can’t stick with a plan longer than ten seconds. He’s like a dog who sees a lamp post and he so wants to piss on it, and as soon as he pisses on it, he sees another lamp post, and so wants to piss on it, and as soon as he pisses on it, and so on.

I’m not for a moment suggesting that Jason Campbell is the second coming of John Elway. As I wrote earlier here on TOOOAST!!!, Campbell is a decent quarterback who may improve into an above average one at some point, but he’s probably not much more than that. Because of that, I don’t necessarily have a problem with the Redskins attempting to improve themselves at the most important position on the field. Trading for Jay Cutler made a certain amount of sense. Sure, they would have had to mortgage their next three drafts to obtain him, but young pro-bowl caliber quarterbacks aren’t often available. Given Cutler’s talent and the fact that he is a proven commodity (i.e. not a draft pick who could fail, like Sanchez), it’s arguably not a bad idea to trade draft picks and upgrade at the quarterback position.

However, Sanchez is not Cutler. He may be in time, but as is persuasively argued here, he’s not likely to become so if the Redskins draft him. An odd Catch 22 for sure - he could be a good quarterback, so the Redskins should draft him, but he won’t be a good quarterback if the Redskins draft him.

The point of all this was to make an awesome ‘sex with llamas’ joke. Mission accomplished, thank you very much. Beyond that, the Redskins need to come up with a plan, and stick to it. Maybe Sanchez is that plan, but if so, he’s the second plan in as many months with Haynesworth et al. being the first. Campbell might not be the answer at quarterback for Washington, but years and years of evidence suggest that a rookie quarterback won’t be either.

Caps In The Playoffs: Game 4, Round 1: How To Lose A Series: A Play In Seven Acts (Not Really)

I guess some times you just have to tip your hat, bow your head, and remove your pants for a good old fashion ass slapping. The Caps have, once again, run into a goalie who is stealing the series. Of course, he isn't really stealing anything, he's just out-playing his fellow goalie and making the Caps illustrious offense look pedestrian. That is a feat, to be sure. Last night, the Caps goose was cooked in a 2-1 loss that all but gave the series to New York. As of now, it stands three games to one.

Unlike game one, this loss wasn't the fault of the goal tending, and unlike game two it wasn't the fault of the offense. This loss came down to the fact that Henrik Lundqvist was just too good in goal. There are things the Caps could do about that, other than wrap him in duct tape, take him to the Meadowlands and give him a Mexican necktie. More traffic in front of the net would help, as would an improvement in the face off circle. But this is really nit-picking, if you ask me.

The Caps took 39 shots at Henrik Lundqvist, bringing their four game total to 149 shots on goal. No, that isn't a typo, 149 shots on goal in four games, or 37 shots per game. For some context, the Rangers have managed 99 shots on goal in that same four game time span. From those 149 shots (not including hit crossbars and posts), they've scored eight goals. Eight. That's a .946 save percentage, if I'm doing my math correctly. That's sick. It's also 0.3 higher than Lundqvist's regular season save percentage. That's called turning it on in the playoffs, folks.

And for all that Lunqvist has done to win the series for the Rangers, we should remember that the Caps have actually out-scored their opponents in this series, 8-6. They've out-scored and out-shot their opponents, and somehow find themselves on the sad end of a three games to one deficit... I guess some times you just have to tip your hat.

Welcome To The Internets, Baseball Nerd

You may remember the 1990s. They were a good bad odd time. For sports fans, the 90's were the beginning of the golden age of following sports. No more waiting for the scores in the next morning's paper. The rise of cable TV and the internet provided up-to-the-minute scores and information about your favorite teams and players that up till then had simply not been available. Cable TV, and later satellite, gave rise to ESPN, the MLB Extra Innings package, which feature every baseball game of the year on your television, and the NFL version, who's name I forget but which feature a similar though more football-centric product.

As we as a society began to wade into that sea of information, we were fortunate enough to have excellent guides. Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick hosted "the big show", the evening version of ESPN's SportsCenter which was a nightly news for sports fans. Ostensibly the show featured highlights of the previous day's sports action, but realy the show featured Olbermann and Patrick. Their senses of humor, chemistry, and catch phrases (this is before catch phrases were shorthand for lazy and annoying) were worth staying up (or getting up) for.

After a while, Olbermann and eventually Patrick went their separate ways. Now, Patrick can be found on the radio and at cnnsi.com, where he writes (predictably) about sports. Olbermann has moved from sports to politics. He hosts a highly rated nightly news roundup at MSNBC.

Olbermann has shown a proclivity to return to sports recently, helping out in studio on NBC's Sunday Night Football game of the week, writing the foreword for the 2009 version of the Baseball Prospectus, and now [drum roll] Olbermann has started his own baseball blog. Yay!

You can find it here if you're interested. It's called Baseball Nerd. I wholeheartedly recommend it, and I haven't read it yet. It's difficult to find the level of knowledge, intellect, and wit that Olbermann provides. The internet contains miles and miles of content, but high quality content is always in demand.

Welcome to the internets, Mr. Olbermann. Glad to have you.

A Little NBA Scattershooting

A few quick bball thoughts while watching the first quarter of game two of the Houston - Portland series:

1. The Portland fans, players, coaches and announcers have been bitching about the officiating from the jump. The fans are booing and crying for a foul every time one of their world champion playoff neophyte Blazers misses a shot, and the announcers seem to be keeping a running tally of all of the "missed calls."

Bottom line is that the Blazers still look a little freaked out at the raised level of intensity that the playoffs bring.

2. Portland brings Greg Oden in to the game with about 3 minutes to go in the first quarter. How does Houston respond? Rick Adelman gets the megaphone out from under his seat and hollers WAAAYY down to the end of his bench, "Mutombo! Get in the game! You're on Oden!" Surprisingly, Mount Mutombo actually does have his uniform on under his warm-ups.

What does this say about Greg Oden's game? Um...err....

Also, Oden clearly looks 10 years older than Dikembe.

How timely. I think I just saw the end of Mutombo's career as it appears his left knee just went supernova.

Update: Greg Oden picked up 5 fouls in less than 10 minutes of floor time.


3. The NBA finally showed Dirk Nowitzki a little love. A couple nights ago, I was stunned to actually see the league use a clip of Dirk in the 2006 playoffs for one of their When Amazing Happens slow motion spots:




The first thing I thought when I saw this was, "Why this clip? Dirk has tons of memorable playoff moments. Why this play?" This somewhat routine jumper, after beating noted defensive stopper Michael Finley (ahem) off the dribble, was far from "amazing."Actually, the clip came from the third quarter of game 6 of the 2006 Western Conference semi-finals and made the score 62-58. The Mavs went on to lose that game. Not exactly a real difference-making moment.

Dwyane Wade gets his awesome over-the head, facing the wrong way layup against the Pistons in his spot.

Kevin Garnett gets a nice thunderous dunk from last year's Eastern Conference finals.

Kobe Bryant gets a buzzer beating game-winning jumper against the Suns.

Tim Duncan gets his once-in-a-lifetime three pointer that sent game 1 of the Spurs-Suns series last year in to double overtime.

Dirk? A boring jumper.

I know I'm being overly sensitive about this, but I'm just a little tired of Nowitzki being under appreciated. Over his career, he averages 25 ppg, a shade behind Shaq. In fact, Dirk is one of five players in NBA history to average 25 pts and 10 rebounds per game in the playoffs (he's at 25 & 11). He's in an exclusive club with only Elgin Baylor, Shaq, Bob Pettit and Hakeem Olajuwon. Think about that.

The league should've used this:

Caps In The Playoffs: Game 3, Round 1: Das Wha I's Tawkin Abou, MUTHAFUKA!

The first two games of this playoff series were close. Two one goal games, either could have turned on a lucky bounce off the crossbar or a skate. But neither did. Last night's game didn't either, but the Caps didn't need it to, scoring four times against King Henrik while rookie Simeon Varlamov pitched a shutout at the other end. It was a strong enough performance to redefine this series.

That isn't to say that luck wasn't on the Caps' side though - it certainly was. After Alexander Semin opened the scoring in the first period, the Rangers pressured Varlamov at the other end. With Varlamov out of the net after blocking a shot, Ryan Callahan had a shot at an open net from two feet away. He hit the inside of the post and the puck skidded along the line and was swept out of the crease. While everyone (including myself) assumed the Rangers had just tied the game up, the Caps took the puck back the other way, and scored themselves, turning a 1-1 game into a 2-0 advantage.*

That was as close as the Rangers would come to scoring (which, admittedly, is pretty damn close) all night. Varlamov was effective, if not pretty. For all the talk that his shutting out the Rangers will surely engender, there were some holes in his game positioning-wise. But for last night at least his quick reflexes and ability to follow the puck through traffic were enough.

As for the Caps offense, they again out-shot the Rangers, but this time they were able to get the puck in closer. All the Caps goals came from directly in front of the net. No superfabulous Mike Green bombs from the point, or quick wristers from between the circles. Give the Caps credit, they realized that Lundqvist is too good for that right now, and they not only talked about changing their strategy, but they actually followed through on it.

As for the series, the Rangers still lead two games to one, but the Caps have a chance to tie it up and regain home ice advantage if they can replicate their performance tomorrow (Wednesday) night.

*This sequence reminded me somewhat of the 1998 Stanley Cup Finals, the only Finals the Caps have participated in in their less than storied history. Looking the series up on www.hockey-reference.com, I was disappointed to find that you can't access the specific records for each playoff game.

My memory of the series is after a one goal loss to the Red Wings in Detroit, the Caps came back in game two to take a 4-1 lead. The Caps were pressing for more and after a couple bounces Esa Tikkanen found himself with the biscuit on the twig (as they say) right in front of the goal. The goalie, Chris Osgood was on the other side of the ice, all Tikkanen had to do was push the puck across the goal line and the Caps would have an insurmountable 5-1 advantage. An infant could have accomplished this task. Sadly, Tikkanen missed the net entirely. Of course, the Red Wings came back to tie the game, and won it in overtime. They then took the next two games as well and the cup. Doh.

Sean Avery is... "The Real Slim Shitty"

I'm Sean Avery, yes I'm the real Avery
All you other Sean Averys are just imitating...

Will the real Sean Avery please stand up...
Please stand up...
Please stand up...

Ah, there's the real Sean Avery, the stone-cold buffoon I remember from those fateful 23 games in Dallas. We missed you, pal.

In Game 3 between the New York Rangers and Washington Caps tonight, New York folk hero Sean Avery turned back into the poorly trained orangutan he proved to be in Dallas, taking four completely insane minor penalties, topped off by a 10-minute misconduct for jabbing Caps goalie Simeon (Don't Call Me Semen) Varlamov in the head as he was being escorted to the penalty box.

Please stand up, please stand up... and get yer ass into the dressing room, 'cause there aren't 12 minutes left in the period, knucklehead.

Credit is due to veteran official Dave Jackson, who, unlike many I've seen working Rangers games since their repatriation of Avery, actually kept close watch on Avery and caught most of his pea-brained infractions. Game 4's officiating crew is officially on notice.

And the Simeon Varlamov Era is under way in Washington. The Caps are still alive.

Now, let's see if Snizza's Lames can resuscitate themselves as well.

Note: As I edit this POOOAST!!!, it's already 1-0 Chicago, and Brad Watson is officiating the game. This doesn't look good.

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Around Baseball: A Check On Your First Place Teams

We are about three weeks into the baseball season and we've finally got something besides predictions to look at. Lets take a quick look at the teams who currently occupy first place in the divisions:

AL East: Toronto (2.5 Games up on the Yankees and Red Sox)
Why Are They There? They've actually been hitting. Adam Lind (.352/.426/.593) and Aaron Hill (.365/.388/.603) have been crushing the ball.
Can They Stay? Other than above, the guys who have been hitting aren't the guys you'd expect to be hitting, so things may change a bit in that category, and not for the better. Also, their pitching has been good so far, but they've had a bunch of injuries, so I don't expect that to continue either. In a word, no.

AL Central: Three Way Tie between the Chicago White Sox, Detroit Tigers, and Kansas City Royals
Why Are They There? The White Sox are getting the starting pitching that many didn't expect them to have. It could continue... but probably not. The Tigers have beat up on Seattle and Texas, and the Royals... well, Zach Greinke and uh, I have no idea.
Can They Stay? The White Sox, maybe. The rest, I seriously doubt it.

AL West: Seattle Mariners (2.5 Games up on Oakland and Texas)
Why Are They There? The Ms are preventing runs, it's as simple as that. Their defense has been outstanding, and Eric Bedard is healthy. So, with Felix Hernandez and a healthy Bedard they have a nice 1-2 combo.
Can They Stay? I suppose so. Despite the Angels winning 100 games last year, this is a remarkably weak division.

NL East: Florida Marlins (5 Games up on Atlanta and New York)
Why Are They There? The Marlins are hitting better than expected, but they're 9-1 because they've faced (and beaten) the Washington Nationals six times. This is a decent team, maybe a slight bit above .500, but they aren't going to win this division.
Can They Stay? Kinda answered that above. I'm going to go with "no."

NL Central: Cubs and St. Louis tied for first
Why Are They There? The Cubs are in first because they are the best team in the NL talent-wise. The Cardinals are there because Albert Pujols is fucking God.
Can They Stay? This is the first division where the order now could actually be the order come September. The Cubs and Cardinals (if their pitching holds up) are the class of this division.

NL West: LA Dodgers (1 game up on San Diego)
Why Are They There? The Dodgers are probably the second best team in the NL, top to bottom. They have a great lineup, and their pitching is above adequate, with a high top end of Chad Billingsley and Clayton Kershaw, who is crushing crushing crushing right now.
Can They Stay? Yup, the Dodgers should win this division. I'd expect the Diamondbacks to finish second, though they could challenge LA if their veterans experience any serious injury problems.

When the NHL Playoffs Suck

The three of us here at Toooast!!! all have very strong rooting interests in different teams in this year's playoffs. So far, with only two games in each series in the books, all three of us are almost ready to throw in the towel on his whole fucking shit sandwich.

The Caps, Flames and Flyers all lost game one. Then they crapped the bed and lost game two as well.

Bang! The playoffs start. Three days later, they're almost over.



If we don't get a different result in all three series in game 3, the 2009 NHL playoffs will be wearing three giants sets of Nutz!

Caps In The Playoffs: Game 2, Round 1: Jose TheoDon'tLetTheDoreHitYouInTheAssOnYourWayOut

Another disappointing loss for the Caps to the New York Rangers today, this time by a 1-0 score. In contrast to game one the culprit was not the goaltending, it was the offense. Maybe the problem was that Bruce Boudreau didn't insert himself into the lineup. While the Caps were able to get 35 shots, same as last game, very few of those were anywhere close to going in. In short, Henrik Lundqvist was fantastic.

But that doesn't absolve the Caps. You wouldn't want to say that a team that takes 35 shots was taking it easy on the opposing goaltender because, you know, that would be wrong. But it isn't too far off. Even Lundqvist himself knew it, saying, "There's no secrets in the playoffs. Everybody knows how you have to score. You have to pay a price for it." This implies the Caps weren't willing to pay that price, and I'm not sure I have a quarrel with that statement.

The playoffs aren't the time to get cute. Sure you can score pretty goals in the playoffs, sometimes those are the only ones that will go in, but sometimes a goalie is on his game so much so that second and third chances are your only hope of beating him. This was the case tonight and the Caps had very few second chances and zero third chances. On the few occasions where there were rebounds there was nobody there to put the puck back on net. If the Caps are going to have a chance to avoid a sweep that absolutely must change.

But that isn't the big news. In my post on game one I wrote, "I'd be shocked if [Jose] Theodore isn't in goal for the Caps on Saturday." Well consider me officially shocked. Bruce Boudreau went out on a limb, opting to start 20 year old rookie Simeon Varlamov over incumbant starter Jose Theodore. It's not how I (or many others) would have done it, but for the moment it turned out well. The only goal Varlamov allowed and sadly the only goal of the entire game, came on a two on one. When the defender took out one of the on-coming Rangers making it essentially a one on none, Varlamov had to go post to post and block a shot up over his shoulder. Predictably he wasn't able to do it. Not many other goalies would have either.

Overall, Varlamov played very well. He should start game three in New York. But like tonight, that won't matter one bit if the Caps aren't able to put the puck past Henrik Lundqvist.

The Mother Of All Reverse Locks

A 'reverse lock' occurs when an obvious mismatch results in the underdog winning against all reason and logic.* Why did David beat Goliath? Reverse lock. It's a theory to explain the unexplainable. Which brings me to today's reverse lock of the day (from the department of redundancy department):

Adam Eaton (BAL) vs. Josh Beckett (BOS)

Using ERA+** (explained below), in his ten seasons (unfairly including this one) Adam Eaton has been a below average pitcher in nine of them. Which ones, you ask? The last nine. His career ERA+ is 86 (meaning he's been 14% below the average for his career) but he hasn't been that good, relatively speaking, in three years. Put bluntly, he sucks goat nuts.

Josh Beckett is not the best pitcher in baseball, but he's up there. His ERA+ is the opposite of Eaton's. As Eaton was 14% below average, Beckett is 16% above. OK, not exactly the opposite, but you get the point.

When you add the resultant 30% (!) difference to the fact that the Red Sox offense and defense is better than Baltimore's and the Red Sox are playing at home where they have one of the bigger home field advantages in baseball, well, we can come to no other conclusion than this one is a done deal before anyone takes the field.

So, clearly Baltimore has it wrapped up.

*I tried to find a specific definition online and wasn't able to. I queried www.urbandictionary.com because I've heard it's a good site to use for such things. I heard wrong. Here is what Urban Dictionary came up with when I searched for "reverse lock":

Reverse Cowgirl Anal
An anal sex position popular among women for the feeling of control, and popular among men for the feeling of... anal sex.

Oops.

**A measure of a pitcher's ERA versus the league's collective ERA; 100 is average with each unit above or below being 1% above or below the league's ERA.

If a Tree Falls in the Forest...

It's the time of year when TOOOAST!!! turns in to the poor man's Puck Daddy blog. Howevuh, I wouldn't be carrying my weight on this beeyotch if I didn't submit the lone NBA playoffs picks entry. So take off, eh.

This playoff season is shaping up to be totally inverted, in terms of intensity and drama, than the usual post season. Most of the drama and tension will occur in the first round as the match ups are far more interesting there than what will inevitably be a march toward a Lakers-Cavaliers final.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

Cleveland (1) vs Detroit (8):
Get ready for a common theme in these playoff predictions: it's time for the new guard to grab the torch and several of the challengers of the past decade getting shot in to space. Detroit has enjoyed a stretch of making 6 straight conference finals, however, with the core of the team getting older and the trade of Iverson for Billups injecting the Pistons with a time release cancer, the Cavs will make them lick the white dog shit in this series and this will mark the end of their run of relevancy. Unfortunately for Mike Brown, there won't be enough games in this series to show off his entire stable of new eyeglass frames.

Cavs in 4.

Boston (2) vs Chicago (7):
Chicago is streaking in to the playoffs, having won five of their last six games and playing with much more cohesion and intensity than earlier in the year. Tyrus Thomas seems to have figured out that he is actually a professional basketball player, and the additions of Brad Miller and John Salmons have helped this team more than I anticipated. The match up of Derrick Rose against Rajon Rondo should be delicious. In the end though, the stones that both Paul Pierce and Ray Allen possess should allow the Celts to overcome the loss of Kevin GarNutz, and the subsequent heart attack Danny Ainge suffered upon hearing his franchise player was out for the playoffs.

Celts in 6.

Orlando (3) vs Philadelphia (6):
Samuel Dalembert, make sure all of your NBAPA contracts are in order because you are about to be in about 167 different posters in the next 10 days. Dwight Howard will be moving the Haitian Sensation anywhere he wants on the way to bending rims in both cities. Hedo Turkoglu may be wonky, but it won't matter in this series, even though I can see Andre Miller having a good showing against Rafer Alston. Plus, no one in the league takes more "Vince Carter-esque" shots than than Vince Carter, except for Andre Iguodala.

Magic in 5.

Atlanta (4) vs Miami (5):
Undoubtedly the most colorful of the Eastern Conference series. The youth, depth and unpredictability of the Hawks against the youth, depth and unpredictability of the Heat. One difference - Dwyane Wade. The Hawks have more size up front, and Mike Bibby should outplay the Mario Chalmers/Chris Quinn point guard combo that the Heat runs out there, but in the end, I have a feeling Wade will make Joe Johnson his bitch at least 3 times in the series, and the Heat will slow the game down to the point that the immature Hawks (Horford, Josh Smith, Marvin Williams) get frustrated and lose their composure.

Heat in 6.


WESTERN CONFERENCE:

Los Angeles (1) vs Utah (8)
Lakers - 36-5 at home.
Utah: 15-26 on the road, including 2-8 in their last ten road games.
Lakers just got Bynum back and their entire team seems to be back in their proper roles again. Deron Williams will have a monster series, but after him, the Lakers have a sizable advantage at every position. The Lakers will come out incredibly focused and pointing everything towards getting back to the Finals, and unfortunately for the Jazz, they will simply be the first speed bump. In the Battle of Most Improperly Nicknamed Franchises, the Lakers will send the Jazz home in short order. Hopefully, we'll be able to witness the Jazz putting basketball back 60 years with the all-white lineup of Korver, Fesenko, Harpring, Kirilenko and Okur before it's over.

Lakers in 5.


Denver (2) vs New Orleans (7):
I'm very stoked to watch and see how this plays out. The Nuggets have been surprisingly consistent this season, especially after Chauncey Billups joined the fold. The Hornets are banged up and own the playoff poison known as Peja Stojakovic, but are blessed with Chris Paul, the unstoppable offensive stat machine. The most fun in watching this series will be to continually take the temperature of the stunning number of unstable personalities in this series: Antonio Daniels, Morris Peterson, James Posey, J.R. Smith, Kenyon Martin, Chris Anderson, Nene, and even Carmelo Anthony to an extent. We should end up with at least one scrum and "hold me back" pushing match every game. In the end, the depth and eventual two-headed alpha male of Carmelo and Billups should be enough to take out les Hornets.

Nuggets in 7.

San Antonio (3) vs Dallas (6):
The last night of the season could not have broken any better for the Mavericks. They finished the season on a serious high, beating Houston in a must-win game for both teams, after having wiped out Utah, New Orleans and Phoenix in the last 2 weeks and getting Josh Howard, albeit still obviously not completely healthy, back in the starting lineup. The Mavs' old buddy Michael Finley did Dallas a favor by hitting a shot that put the Spurs-Hornets game in to overtime at the buzzer - a game the Spurs eventually won to set up this match up. Ironically, it may have given the Mavericks their best chance to advance to the second round for the first time in 3 years. The Mavs aren't scared or intimidated by playing in San Antonio, and they are catching the Spurs without Ginobili and a wobbly Duncan. In a series that matches the two teams with the longest current streaks of playoff appearances and two of the longest continuous streaks of 50 game winning seasons in NBA history, it has the feeling of two elderly fighters squaring off at the middle of the ring for one last attempt to hold on to their pasts. When these teams face each other, it's always riveting drama. The Mavs' health and surging confidence will push them over the top.

Mavericks in 6.

Portland (4) vs Houston (5):
Hands down, the most compelling series in the entire first round. The youth, athleticism and rabid fan base of Portland against the age and "longing to get out of the first round for the first time in eons" of the Rockets. The Rockets' number crunchers can make up as much bullshit as they want about Battier and Artest and Chuck Hayes, but in this series, the eye ball test will be all you need. When the fourth quarter comes around and you see LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw, Rudy Fernandez, Joel Przybilla and even Greg Oden, beating the aged Rockets (especially Yao, who has become a 4th quarter liability) down the court, you will know that tangible talent and athleticism beat spread sheets. The Rockets will never be the same.

Blazers in 6.

The Giant Food YES Yankees Pre-Game Show (Sponsored By The Beef Council)

Hi everyone, I'm Michael Kay and welcome to another pretentious and over-priced season of Yankees baseball, sponsored by Audi, here on the YES Network, sponsored by Pork, America's other white meat. This is the Giant Food YES Yankees Pre-Game Show, sponsored By The Beef Council live from the new Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes. It's a great day for baseball here in the Bronx, as today we're inaugurating the new Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes. Now I'd like to welcome in Ken Singleton to the AT&T broadcast booth, and ask him for his impression of the new Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes. Kenny?



Thanks, Michael. I think...

Oh, by the way, Ken Singleton is sponsored by Dr. Brent Marca, the headache specialist. Call Dr. Marca today at 201-767-9876. That's Dr. Brent Marca at 201-767-9876. OK, go ahead, Kenny.

Oh, right. Uh... what was the question again?

What is your impression of the new Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes?


Right! Well, as you know, Michael, this is my first time in the New Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes, so I really haven't seen it too much yet. But it looks fantastic!

Great stuff, Kenny. Lets head down to the field where Kimberly Jones is standing by. Kimmy?


Thanks Michael, I'm standing, live, down on the field of the new Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes, before this exciting game, and let me tell you, it sure is a great looking field. So green! I spoke to Lonn Trost the COO of the Yankees, and he confirms what I suspected: COO stands for Chief Operating Officer! Pretty impressive. Back to you, Michael!


It sure is impressive, thanks, Kimmy. Now we're going to bring in David Cone for some pre-game analysis. David Cone's pregame analysis is sponsored by Best Buy. Coney, the Yankees have been having a bit of a tough time recently, but they have yet to play a home game.


Ri...


at the new Yankee Stadium built by Lowes.



That's true, Michael. It seems the Yankees are not playing quite as well as we might have hoped for this season. I spoke to some sources and found out that the Yankees have won five games so far this season, but, and I think this is the key part, they have also lost four. Four losses in [counts quietly to self] one...two... three...four... five...six... seven... Seven games! I'm no math major, but that doesn't seem good. Hopefully they'll turn it around soon.



We sure hope so. So, Coney, what do you think about today's pitching match up, brought to you by Chevy, of C.C. Sabathia for the Yankees pitching against Cliff Lee for the Indians?


Should be a good match up, Michael. Both are good pitchers.



Great insight, Coney. Well, that's going to do it for the Giant Food YES Yankees Pre-Game Show, sponsored by The Beef Council, live from the New Yankee Stadium, built by Lowes. Stay tuned for the Safeway Just-Before-The-Game-Starts report, built Dodge tough. We'll be right back after these messages.