Saturday, February 28, 2009

Redskins Spend $181 Poopillion While I Sleep

I was going to wait until one of the other shitboxes who supposedly post on this site did so, but then I opened up the Washington Post this morning. Turns out the Redskins spent another poopillion dollars while I was sleeping, bringing the grand total in the last 24 hours to... well, basically this:



Holy anal sex, batman! After grabbing Albert Haynesworth and resigning D'Angelo Hall, the Redskins brought back offensive guard Derrick Dockery for what can modestly be called Scrooge McDuck money. The funny part about (re-)adding Dockery is supplied by the excellent folks at the Washington Post's Redskins Insider blog:

Buffalo and Detroit had agreed to a trade Thursday with Detroit willing to pick up the rest of Dockery's 7-year, $49 million contract and to guarantee the 2009 and 2010 portions of that deal. However, the Bills failed to file the necessary paperwork with the NFL Management Council by the 4 p.m. deadline, according to a league source, and, rather than pay Dockery $4.5 million for this year, the Bills allowed him to become a free agent.

The Lions were still willing to pick up the remainder of the deal with the two guaranteed years and Dockery, who spent today in Detroit, was close to accepting their deal. However, tonight he decided to take the Skins' deal, which will pay him $3.5 million less over the duration of the deal.

To sum up, the Bills, the team which lost a draft pick a few years back because they didn't turn in their pick within the required time limit, forgot (?) to file the appropriate trade papers by the deadline, leading me to ask the question: Are the Bills run by my mom? Further strangifying this is that Dockery decided to take less money to play in Washington.

I can't believe I just typed that.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Yankees, Mets Ugly That Shit Up

No team in baseball had thought to put a patch on the back of their hat. Or at least if someone had thought of it, they were quickly fired because it's a stupid idea.

Cut to the Yankees and their new "Mallpark" of a stadium. The inception of this ridiculously expensive, taxpayer-funded boondoggle requires its own commemoration, right? And what better place to put a commemorative patch than... (wait for it...) the back of the hat! Take a gander at this:

The patch itself is fine, it's the location that's sub-moronic. Can you believe that they're actually going to wear this hat during actual regulation baseball games?

Bad location wasn't enough for the Mets. No, they have taken patch-wearing to a previously unheard of level, by creating the ugliest patch in major league baseball history. I swear this was designed by some lower-level lackey who learned photoshop at the community college.


Lackey #1: Mr. Wilpon, we should probably commemorate the opening of the new park somehow.
Wilpon: Excellent, Lackey #1! But how?
Lackey #2: Let's have a patch designed which we can place on the back of the team's caps!
Lackey #1: On the back of the caps? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Wilpon: There's no way we could afford such a thing. And I'd never put it on the back of the caps. That's idiotic.
Lackey#2: Well, on the sleeve then. And don't worry about the cost, Mr. Wilpon. I just took a photoshop course at the community college. I'll design it myself!
Wilpon: Perfect!,

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Flyer Beat Caps, Endanger Health With Many Cases Of Pre-Packaged Snack Cakes

The Philadelphia Flyers, in a never-ending quest to acquire as many shrink-wrapped snack cakes as possible, scored four goals against the Capitals on Tuesday night, defeating Washington or something. To their delight, for each goal the Flyers' scorers received a case of Tastykakes.

Further research by Toooast!!! revealed that just about all Tastykake products contain a shockingly bad nutritional content. Take "Chocolate Juniors" for example. One Chocolate Junior contains 12 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of which are saturated. Horrendous! That is 17% of your daily saturated fat intake in one Chocolate Junior. According to the Tastykake website, a case contains "24 family pack boxes (4 individually wrapped packages per box, 1 cake [their spelling] per package)."

Doing the math, one case of Tastykake Chocolate Juniors contains 96 cakes for a grand total of 336 grams of saturated fat per case. The Flyers top scorer, Jeff Carter, has 36 goals on the season, which means he has eaten 36 cases of Tastykakes containing 12,096 grams of saturated fat!

According to the National Institute of Health, "Eating too much saturated fat is one of the major risk factors for heart disease. A diet high in saturated fat causes a soft, waxy substance called cholesterol to build up in the arteries. Too much fat also increases the risk of heart disease because of its high calorie content, which increases the chance of becoming obese (another risk factor for heart disease and some types of cancer)."

Twelve thousand grams of saturated fat over a five month period is, well... it's too many. As a Caps fan I hope the Flyers have a good secondary scorer because if he keeps scoring goals at this pace Jeff Carter will soon be dead.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Yet Again, Caps Rule On Flightless Water Foul; Crosby's Vagine Full Of Sand

Photo copyright The Washington Post, 2009

Sidney Crosby's panties must be riding up and rubbing his tight little hiney hole something fierce. Either that or he's pissed the Caps have beaten his Flightless Water Foul yet again. As a matter of fact, the Caps have come out ahead in each of the three contests this season by a combined total of 15-8. Sadly that's standard for the Penguins this season, who have floundered to a 29-26-6 record, four points out of a playoff spot. The Caps improved to second in the Eastern Conference.

But the more sensational story was a shoving match between the NHL's two biggest stars. Apparently after the second period Crosby shoved Ovechkin over the boards into the Caps bench in retaliation for saying he looked fat in that dress. That led to Ovechkin grabbing Crosby by his chicken neck. Then the refs stepped in, preventing Sid the Kid from becoming Sid the Pancake. "Like it or lump it*, that's what he does," Crosby said, referring to Ovechkin. "Some people like it, some people don't. Personally, I don't like it." Translating from penguinese: Wah wah wah, my vagina has sand in it.

Crosby certainly isn't interested in my opinion, but I'd say that he needs to focus more on winning hockey games and less on Ovechkin. Especially in light of how his team has gotten dominated by the Caps this season. Oh, and there's also that whole 'missing the playoffs cause we're ranked tenth in the conference' thing too. Good luck the rest of the way, corn holes.

Not really.

*Nobody knows what this means.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Jim Bowden Doesn't Know How Old You Are, Will Give You $1.4 Million To Feed To A Goat


Having endured eight years of the Bush administration we know that incompetence plays very well in DC politics, but I had no idea that incompetence played so well in DC baseball. Well, OK, I had some idea, but that's my opening line and I'm sticking with it, cornhole. The point is this: Jim Bowden, General Manager of the Washington Nationals, is dumb.

Take, for example, the time he compared the Major League Baseball Players Union to Al Qaeda, or the time he was caught driving drunk. Maybe more to the point he has a thoroughly mediocre record as a GM in Cincinnati and DC. Bowden's teams have been at or above .500 in only six out of sixteen seasons, and that's giving him credit for 1996 when his Reds went 81-81. Overall, not a record that inspires confidence.

What might be obvious from the above record, Bowden just isn't very good at building a baseball team. The noted Mariners blogger Dave Cameron of USSMariner.com said it best, "If Bowden was a general contractor, he'd build houses with nine bedrooms, six garages, no bathrooms, and half a roof." If this needed any explaining, Bowden has a penchant for acquiring players that don't fit his roster. He is renowned for having teams with tons of outfielders and no pitching, or six third basemen, and no shortstops.

To further illustrate the point, get out your paper and pencil and Let's all play The Jim Bowden Quiz!!!

Question 1: You have six outfielders for four spots on the roster creating a logjam at the position. What do you do?

1. Attempt to trade one or more extraneous outfielders for players who play positions of need
2. Do nothing
3. Compare Don Fehr to Hitler
4. Trade for more outfielders
5. Drive drunk

And the answer is: Who gives a shit. Up to this point Bowden just hasn't been a very good GM. That's OK, I suppose, in a way. There are, have been, and will be many GMs who aren't very good, and some of them will have long tenures as the head of multiple organizations for no reason that can be discerned. The real problem here is this:

A top Washington Nationals prospect and recipient of the largest international signing bonus in team history is not who he appeared to be. Esmailyn Gonzalez, who is listed as 19 years old on the team's roster, is actually 23-year-old Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, four sources have told SI.com.

The Nationals, owned by the Lerner family, gave the shortstop from the Dominican Republic a $1.4 million signing bonus on July 2, 2006, and trumpeted his arrival as a sign of their commitment to acquiring top-tier talent. (Players from Latin America are not subject to the draft and can sign with the team of their choice.) "This signing is symbolic of the Lerner family's and incoming club president Stan Kasten's pledge to become an industry leader in scouting and player development,'' Washington general manager Jim Bowden said at the time of the deal.

Um, yikes?

So, to sum up, Bowden gave a 20 year old $1.4 million on the assumption that he was 16, then held a press conference to exclaim what a great GM he is. Or, to put it another way, Bowden took $1.4 million from his bosses, bought a pet goat and fed him $1.355 million. What exactly does a guy have to do to get fired around here?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Les Canadiens de Montreal: A Front for Organized Crime?

Look, it's 3:45 AM here in Dallas, and some potentially heavy shit just broke. I'm not gonna call Snizza and wake his ass up, and I'm sure as hell not gonna call Matty at 4:45 AM Eastern, even though he's probably awake already, cleaning some bran mustard-lookin' baby doots off the wall.

Canadian TV's illiterate insider Jacques Demers reported a couple hours ago that there would be law enforcement officials waiting to arrest members of the Montreal Canadiens when their plan landed en route from Pittsbugh early this morning.

Hearing it second-hand, may be a joke, I thought. Like when that raisin sac Tommy Salo let in that horrendous goal off his noggin against Belarus -- daahhh, I crapped my pants! -- and the Swedish sports daily ran photos of the whole team under the heading "TRAITORS." But no. Apparently there is some fire beneath this-here smoke.

So what have we? Russian mob ties, perhaps?

At this point it's impossible to tell for sure. It may be a tempest in a teapot. However, it may be the biggest scandal to hit the NHL since Alan Eagleson. And in the Habs' centennial season -- already well on its way to being a historic catastrophe -- the stakes are high enough that a Black Sox-caliber disaster is possible.

But again, it could be nothing whatsoever. It's just that it's 3:45 AM... well, 3:50 now... and I got no one to tell.

P.S. - Mike Richards = awesome
.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

OVERREACTION ALERT!!!!

Tonight was the Phoenix Suns' first game after launching Terry Porter in to orbit around the moon. The Suns will take off the shackles! The Suns will run again! Nash will be Nash and Amar'e will be Amar'e!

Final score: Suns 140. Clippers 100.

Let the "Here Come the Suns!" stories roll out. "They're back! Look out league!"

All will be happy in the Valley of the Sun. Until Thursday, when they still trade Amar'e cuz their owner is a tight-wallet homo.

Anybody can make stats sing to prove a point

Before I even get started, let me acknowledge that I have not read Moneyball, or anything else by Billy Beane, er Michael Lewis. However, I absolutely respect and agree with the changes his work have had in the ways that sports are analyzed and broken down. I'm not enough of a baseball head to really get in to the nuts and bolts of VORP et al, but I do know basketball pretty well and now that Lewis, and by extension Daryl Morey*, current General Manager of the Houston Rockets, is introducing new statistical methods into breaking down player impact in basketball, I feel comfortable in challenging his assertions.

Again, I in no way want to come across as the basketball Joe Morgan, but in reading Lewis' recent article in the New York Times, several manipulations of data and omissions of other obvious influential factors in results were glaring to me.

The article opens with a discussion of Rockets forward Shane Battier, the primary subject of the article and how in analyzing certain statistical data, a fairly forgettable player can be shown to be a very important factor in winning games.

The first example Lewis uses is how Battier smothered Kobe Bryant to a sub-par night and held him to 24 points in a Rockets win. It then says, "Battier has routinely ­guarded the league’s most dangerous offensive players — LeBron James, Chris Paul, Paul Pierce — and has usually managed to render them, if not entirely ineffectual, then a lot less effectual than they normally are. He has done it so quietly that no one really notices what exactly he is up to."

Red flag #1.

Yes, he has a reputation as a great defender, but I had watched the games since Battier has been in Houston, beginning in the 2006-07 season, and I had a hunch that Lewis was doing a great job in making a point while ignoring facts. Here are the averages for LeBron and Kobe against Battier (and I threw in Dirk Nowitzki too because I always hear how Battier "gives him trouble" - and I'm a Mavs fan). Check it (the W or L indicates the Rockets result)

Dirk Nowitzki:
2006-07: 24pts (W), 15 (L), 30 (L), 26 (L)
2007 - 08: 19 (L), 18 (L), 20 (L)

LeBron James:
2006 - 07: 21 (W), 32 (L)
2007 - 08: 32 (W), 26 (W)
2008 - 09: 27 (L)

Kobe Bryant:
2006 - 07: 53 (W), 20 (W), 23 (L), 53(L)
2007 - 08: 45(W), 30 (L), 24(W)
2008 -09: 33 (L)

Avgs:
Dirk: 22 PPG, 6-1 record.

LeBron: 27.6 PPG, 2-3 record.

Kobe: 35.1 PPG, 4-4 record.

Those numbers are hardly "ineffectual." Battier was pretty much an average defender at best. In fact, he should be called the "Anti-Defender" as his team was 3-3 when Battier's primary mark scored more than 30 points. Perhaps Battier's best move would be to take the court in a wheel chair.

"They all think his reputation exceeds his ability.” Even as Battier was being introduced in the arena, Ahmad Rashad was wrapping up his pregame report on NBA TV and saying, “Shane Battier will try to stop Kobe Bryant.” This caused the co-host Gary Payton to laugh and reply, “Ain’t gonna happen,” and the other co-host, Chris Webber, to add, “I think Kobe will score 50, and they’ll win by 19 going away.”

Lewis puts that quote in there to make NBA observers look silly, but they weren't too far from the truth.

Lewis then offers Battier's stint as a Memphis Grizzly as a testament to his influence on turning teams around:

The Grizzlies went from 23-59 in Battier’s rookie year to 50-32 in his third year, when they made the N.B.A. playoffs, as they did in each of his final three seasons with the team.

In a throwaway sentence, Lewis leaves the reader thinking, "Wow! Battier is SUCH a difference maker!" There were a myriad of other factors that had FAR more of an impact on the improvement of the Grizz:

-They hired Jerry West as their GM.
-They jettisoned their "coach" Sidney Lowe and hired Hubie Brown.
-Pau Gasol was a rookie in 2001-02, and had matured greatly by his third year, the season that the Grizzlies went 50-32.
-West had added Mike Miller, Wesley Person, James Posey, Bonzi Wells and Earl Watson to the team.

Lewis forgot to mention these very relevant non-statistical factors.

In the next section of the piece, Lewis asserts the following ridiculous, and very non-data cruncher type of statement:

"Here we have a basketball mystery: a player is widely regarded inside the N.B.A. as, at best, a replaceable cog in a machine driven by superstars. And yet every team he has ever played on has acquired some magical ability to win."

Magic? Really? He has been surrounded by other stars every time he has been on a winning team - Gasol, Tracy McGrady, Yao Ming, Ron Artest - yet, incredibly, Battier's team has experienced five straight first round ousters in the playoffs. Not a single playoff series win for any team that Shane Battier has been a part of. That's a curse, not magic.

Later, Lewis reveals that the Rockets, and Morey, greatly value plus/minus for a measure of a player's impact. I found the following line in that paragraph to be contradictory to the whole point of the article:

At the time of the Lakers game, Battier was a plus 10, which put him in the company of Dwight Howard and Kevin Garnett, both perennial All-Stars. For his career he’s a plus 6. “Plus 6 is enormous,” Morey says. “It’s the difference between 41 wins and 60 wins.” He names a few other players who were a plus 6 last season: Vince Carter, Carmelo Anthony, Tracy McGrady.

The whole point of this piece is to discuss how Battier's seeming complete devotion to team ball has made him a far more important player than his numbers show. Then he brings up how good his plus/minus was last year (at the time Lewis cited Battier's +/-, the Rockets had just finished their mirage of a 22-game winning streak, so Battier's numbers were artificially inflated). The three other players that are offered as being equals to Battier's mark, Carter, Anthony and McGrady, are overwhelmingly regarded as being selfish chuckers only out for their own numbers and whose selfishness has damaged their team's chances to win.

Also, whenever I hear the term "plus/minus" in NBA talk, all I think of is how the Mavericks used to try and quell the anti-Shawn Bradley cries in Dallas and justify resigning him to a larger contract by saying that Bradley was one of the tops in the league in plus/minus. Which he was.

The article goes back to discussing Battier's effect on Bryant, and how the Rockets have created a "Battier's Eyes Only" dossier on controlling the future Hall of Famer:

"He is better at pretty much everything than everyone else, but there are places on the court, and starting points for his shot, that render him less likely to help his team. When he drives to the basket, he is exactly as likely to go to his left as to his right, but when he goes to his left, he is less effective. When he shoots directly after receiving a pass, he is more efficient than when he shoots after dribbling. He’s deadly if he gets into the lane and also if he gets to the baseline; between the two, less so. “The absolute worst thing to do,” Battier says, “is to foul him.” It isn’t that Bryant is an especially good free-throw shooter but that, as Morey puts it, “the foul is the worst result of a defensive play.”

Bryant is a career 84% free throw shooter and has had 5 seasons over 85%. He is, by all statistical analysis, a very good free throw shooter.

The reason the Rockets insist that Battier guard Bryant is his gift for encouraging him into his zones of lowest efficiency. The effect of doing this is astonishing: Bryant doesn’t merely help his team less when Battier guards him than when someone else does. When Bryant is in the game and Battier is on him, the Lakers’ offense is worse than if the N.B.A.’s best player had taken the night off. “The Lakers’ offense should obviously be better with Kobe in,” Morey says. “But if Shane is on him, it isn’t.” A player whom Morey describes as “a marginal N.B.A. athlete” not only guards one of the greatest — and smartest — offensive threats ever to play the game. He renders him a detriment to his team.

As I said before, Bryant averages 35.1 PPG against the Rockets when Battier is guarding him. In scoring so much, Bryant probably causes his teammates to drift from the game, and thereby might damage his team's chances to win, but the Lakers are 4-4 in the regular season, and more importantly, the Rockets have never made it far enough in the playoffs to face Kobe and the Lakers when it really counts.

Later, it is revealed that "the Rockets’ front office has picked up a glitch in Battier’s philanthropic approach to the game: in the final second of any quarter, finding himself with the ball and on the wrong side of the half-court line, Battier refuses to heave it honestly at the basket, in an improbable but not impossible attempt to score. He heaves it disingenuously, and a millisecond after the buzzer sounds. Daryl Morey could think of only one explanation: a miss lowers Battier’s shooting percentage."

Selfish douche!

And now we discuss why such an Anti-Battier movement is out there, and has been since his days at Duke. He was viewed as damn near sent to Earth as a basketball angel by Dick Vitale and all of the other college basketball pundits. He could do no wrong. It was disgusting.

Dan Wetzel, currently a columnist for Yahoo! Sports, followed Battier around for five years before he went to Duke effused, “There’s this public perception that they’re all thugs. But they aren’t. A lot of them are really good guys, and some of them are very, very bright. Kobe’s very bright. LeBron’s very bright. But there’s absolutely never been anything like Shane Battier.”

“I thought he’d be the first black president,” Wetzel says. “He was Barack Obama before Barack Obama.”

Holy shit. Why not just call him Jesus and get it over with. Well, Battier does have a white mother too...

After a lengthy knee-pad-clad discussion of Battier's high school career, Lewis again offers a suspect stat:

The 3-point shot from the corner is the single most efficient shot in the N.B.A.

Really? Isn't a dunk more efficient? 99% of 2 points is more efficient than 33% of 3 points.

And finally, the article finally ends with:

Battier looked back to see the ball drop through the basket and hit the floor. In that brief moment he was the picture of detachment, less a party to a traffic accident than a curious passer-by. And then he laughed. The process had gone just as he hoped. The outcome he never could control.

Wow. I've never heard a loss put so poetically.


*"In the third grade he stumbled upon the work of the baseball writer Bill James." Morey could actually read an understand James' statistical work in the third grade? Come on.

**By the way, in the Rockets first game after this article came out, Vince Carter scored 30 against Battier. Obviously it was exactly what the Rockets wanted as they won the game 114-88.




Jerry Manuel: New York Mets Moron Who Has No Idea What He Is Doing Manager!


I'm pretty sure this is 2009. We might not have flying cars and jet packs yet, but dammit we do have some pretty cool shit. Like, well, like... I can't think of anything but, trust me, we do. The reason I bring it up is because we should be beyond hiring morons in 2009. I mean, its fucking 2009, right? Well, OK, fine, hire morons, but not to run multi-million dollar businesses, like, oh, off the top of my head, say the New York Mets.

The other day Jerry Manuel was interviewed about something, it doesn't matter what, and said this:

My emphasis will be on team vs. individual. I think that message is so critical. This is not about statistical success. This is about winning as a team, and you have to put people in positions that you feel is best to win as a team. Whether that means Jose [Reyes] batting second, third, whatever -- first or leading off -- you have to accomplish that. And that's a big part of the message throughout spring training: The game takes precedent over individual stats.


Has Jerry Manuel ever actually seen a baseball game? If he had he should know that basically baseball is an individual sport masquerading as a team sport. What's best for the individual is almost always (like 99.99% of the time) best for the team. So there is just about no distinction to be made between "statistical success" (assuming he means individual success) and what is best for the team.

Exactly how are a player's individual stats going to take precedence over the team? I hear this all the time, and maybe in some pitching situations it could happen (for example, a guy wants to go five innings to get credit for a win), but how exactly is Jose Reyes going to forsake the team for individual stats?

Manuel: Thanks for coming in, Jose. Have a seat.

Reyes: No problem. Whats on your mind, coach?

Manuel: I think you are forsaking the team and playing for individual stats.

Reyes: How so coach?

Manual: Take yesterday against Philly. You swung away while I was giving you the sacrifice bunt signal!

Reyes: But coach, I was leading off the game.

Manuel: No back talk Reyes! I'm serious. If I so much as see an individual stat from you for the next week I'll bench your ass!

There's a fine line between knowing what you are doing and trying desperately to pretend like you know what you're doing. Jerry Manual is on the wrong side of that line. Fortunately he's only in charge of the team. Looks like the Phillies should be safe for another year.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What Is A-Rod Really Worth? (Danger! Not Funny!)

Did you know that A-Rod is going to turn 34 this season? 34! I honestly had no idea he was getting that old. The guy can rake, so steroids, Madonna, purple lipstick, or whatever, he's not going to fall off a cliff. But still, 34? That's getting old. The reason that strikes me is the Yankees just gave him a ten year contract a year ago worth $275 million. That seems pretty steep for a 33 year old, even if that 33 year old is A-Rod. The mid thirties is about the time that players start to see a marked reduction in their abilities. Which all got me thinking, is there any chance that A-Rod is going to be worth $275 million over the life of his contract? Or even close?

Fortunately Baseball Prospectus has a stat called MORP which essentially does exactly what I'm looking for. It measures the predicted value of each season for a player, based on their PECOTA projection system. I'll spare you the gory details, but the basic point is to place a monetary value on each year going forward. First you predict what that player will do then you assign a monetary value based on what that value is on the free agent market.

So I compared the projected value that the Yankees will be getting for the next nine years of A-Rod's contract to what he'll actually be paid and, well, yikes:

Year...........Salary..............MORP.............Difference
2008....$27,000,000.....$28,100,000.....$1,100,000
2009....$32,000,000.....$25,425,000....-$6,575,000
2010.....$32,000,000.....$20,825,000....-$11,175,000
2011......$31,000,000.....$17,975,000.....-$13,025,000
2012.....$29,000,000.....$15,850,000.....-$13,150,000
2013.....$28,000,000.....$10,600,000.....-$17,400,000
2014.....$25,000,000.....$10,400,000.....-$14,600,000
2015.....$21,000,000.....$10,000,000.....-$11,000,000
2016.....$20,000,000.....$10,000,000.....-$10,000,000
2017.....$20,000,000.....$10,000,000....-$10,000,000
Total:...$265,000,000....$159,175,000....-$105,825,000

There is a difference of $105 million in what A-Rod's projected to give the Yankees and what the Yankees will pay him. $105 million! There are other considerations such as the marginal value of a win,* team-related endorsements, and maybe other things that I'm not thinking of right now, but that's an insane level of overpaying and I can't imagine those other things covering that difference.**

On a side note, this is a pretty big point in favor of Scott Boras, who negotiated A-Rod's first free agent contract with the Texas Rangers. That ten year $252 million deal set the market for the deal that A-Rod signed with the Yankees. The fact that there were no other teams willing to bid close to the amount A-Rod ended up getting either time is pretty impressive.

The Yankees are the biggest of the big market franchises so, as the thinking goes, they can afford to overpay for top talent if they want to. Still, is any player worth $105 million over market value? I'm going to go ahead and guess 'no.'

*Meaning a win for the Yankees may be more valuable than say a win for the Nationals. The Yankees are going to be in the playoff hunt each year and making the playoffs is a huge revenue generator for teams. If over-paying A-Rod allows them to get into the playoffs each year (or some percentage) then they can make back that money.
**And that doesn't even count his $10 million signing bonus. Doh!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Stupid Sports Writing: Is There Any Other Kind?

BMFS chronicled the borderline retarded article by ESPN's Jason Stark on how Alex Rodriguez, like some sort of national pastime deathstar, destroyed all of baseball history through his recently discovered steroid use. That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is what we in the 'biz' like to call a high bar to jump over. What byline could we come up with that is more asinine than that? Well, here is a true professional who can show you all how it's done.

Take it away, Bill Madden of the New York Daily News:

When the Yankees re-signed Alex Rodriguez in the fall of 2007, they envisioned the "clean" alternative to Barry Bonds - the knight in shining armor who would erase the stain of steroids from the all-time home run record, and they would bask in the glory of it with their brand. Now that A-Rod's pursuit looks as counterfeit as Bonds', they should do what's best for the organization: Cut him loose - no matter the cost.

[hold for applause]

That's pretty good. I mean, saying that two days before spring training the New York Yankees, who just spent $460 million on new contracts in the off season, should cut their best player at a cost of $270 million thereby ruining any shot at competing this season, well, that's just amazing. I stand in awe, sir. I stand in fucking awe.

But you know what? While I think it is a tremendous idea, I do have a few ideas of my own. See what you think of these:

  • Send him to bed without supper! That'll show that cheat'n A-Rod a thing or two, gosh golly gee!
  • Rodriguez should be grounded! That's right, grounded! For a whole week!
  • Now that it's clear all of Rodriguez's home runs were the result of steroids, he's outlived his usefulness. Take him out back and shoot him.
  • He's a witch!

These all seem like rational reactions to me. In fact, I'll put them all up against Bill Madden's. Since this is America, you can vote below and register your opinion, which will promptly be ignored. Yay! Isn't America wonderful?


On A-Rod, Steroids, And Counter-Arguments

It's surprising to me that someone with enough natural talent and work ethic that they're already among the top players in the game would feel the need to take a chance on cheating, especially since there really is so little to gain. In 2003, when Alex Rodriguez reportedly tested positive for steroids he had already signed his 10 year $250 million contract. At that point don't you say to yourself, "Self, my hair tips are the finest shade of gold, my teeth are whiter than Screech on Saved By The Bell, and I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams. I'm going to take my $250 million, my still-in-tact reputation, and my slightly shrunken doo-dads and go clean. Job well done!"

Maybe that is the logical thing to do, but Rodriguez's decision to use obviously was never based on logic. As Steven Goldman of Yesnetwork.com observed, "We already knew, or suspected, that Rodriguez was something of a narcissist. This is the confirmation."

It should be noted that I regard Goldman as one of the premiere writers on this series of tubes called the interweb, and as such I don't want this to appear as a hit piece on him, ah-la Jon Heyman. In fact, I'm going to pick on some of Goldman's points precisely because they are so logical and well-made, whereas critiquing Heyman's contribution to this story would be like critiquing a Jon Heyman column.*

Goldman contends that steroids haven't been proven to increase any one's ability to hit a baseball. While that is true, they can certainly make you stronger more quickly than if you did not use them. Of that I hope we all can agree.

Anything that can make your torso, legs, arms, shoulders and/or wrists stronger will help you swing a bat harder and faster. When you can swing a bat harder and faster you will hit the ball farther. I don't see how anyone can argue this point. If steroids are able to produce this effect beyond that which is normally associated with weight training then there is some sort of benefit to the user.

But even if steroids don't cause any improvement in a player's ability to hit, run, or throw, the perception of steroids is that they will, making their use still an attempt to, shall we say, circumnavigate fairness.

In whatever terms you chose to see it, it seems Alex Rodriguez cheated. In doing so he placed what many will see as, deservedly or not, an asterisk over his entire career. That is many things, but mostly it is sad.**

*You know you suck when the go-to metaphor to point out how easy it is to find logical holes in an argument is your column.

**Another argument often heard, though not from Goldman, is that steroids weren't specifically outlawed by Major League Baseball at the time Rodriguez tested positive. While this is undoubtedly true, many steroids were specifically outlawed by the United States government. To my knowledge Major League Baseball hasn't outlawed speeding or murder either but as they are both covered under the laws of the United States (and Canada) it's almost a moot point, isn't it? While this is not an argument for suspension or any other punishment fromMLB, it speaks to a moral failing.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

You Think You've Seen A-Rod Hatchet Jobs? You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!


Really? All by himself?

I know it's A-Rod's fault the Yankees expected competence from Kevin Brown. That Chien-Ming Wang flames out in the playoffs every year. Even that Cap'n Jeets hasn't had a productive postseason in 5 years. And that Jose Canseco admitted to bringing steroids into an MLB clubhouse 15 years earlier.

But this? Slappy McBluelips has destroyed the game's history. It's all gone. Cooperstown: a barren wasteland. The Bambino? Never existed. Willie, Mickey and the Duke? Gone, splat, kaput -- all wiped out by A-Rod. Oscar Charleston and Buck O'Neil? A-Rod is an equal-opportunity history-ruiner.

On the bright side, evidently he wiped out Castro too. Thanks, A-Rod. I guess.
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(And this is from the normally sane Jayson Stark. I can't wait to see the NYC tabloids!)
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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sports Fashion Trend: Git Yo' Ugly On!

This season, the NBA All-Star game returns to Phoenix for the first time since 1995. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't find NBA All-Star games to be memorable events. However, I very clearly remember the last Phoenix All-Star game for one specific reason: It featured quite possibly the worst uniforms in basketball history:

Those things looked like total horseshit in '95, and South Park hadn't even been invented yet. Now, with us all having seen a full decade of paper-cutout animation, those uniforms look even more ridiculous. They look like the South Park Cows basketball team... but even worse, 'cause they're purple.

Why are we dredging this up when it has ostensibly nothing to do with this year's All-Star game, you ask? Because the NBA is allowing you -- yes, you -- the opportunity to re-live of one of basketball history's most visually horrifying events by purchasing -- for a mere $100 -- a brand-new throwback version of the '95 All-Star jersey!


Now get this: the fucking things are back-ordered on Eastbay! People just can't get enough ugly.

Pardon me while I dry my tears on my Astros "tequila sunrise" jersey.

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For stupidity like that, you get Da Nutz in Da Mouf


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Michael Wilbon Writes Obviously Dumb Stuff, Gets Called On It, Then Says It Again


Michael Wilbon annoys me when his holier-than-thou attitude combines with a slight Steven A. streak of HEYEVERYONELOOKATME!!!. Sometimes I think Wilbon says stupid reactionary things he knows are wrong just to get attention and/or play devil's advocate. Or he could just a moron, I'm not certain. Actually, tell you what, you be the judge.

In a chat on Washingtonpost.com on Monday, Wilbon took the following question:
Washington, D.C.: Provided Tom Brady's knee is healthy, would you still take Ben Roethlisberger over him? Brady's been to five AFC Championship games, won four of them, and has gone on to win three Super Bowls.
Brady has won three Super Bowl titles, and he's taken teams down the field in the final seconds to do it. He has quarterbacked what is just about the best offense the NFL has ever seen by any measure, and he is still pretty young.

Roethlisberger played well in this his second Super Bowl but recall he was horrendous in his first. The Steelers won that one despite not because of him. He has never quarterbacked a top offense. Using some more advanced stats, Football Outsiders, the leader in football performance analysis, ranks Roethlisberger 25th in total value of all quarterbacks in 2008. Of course Brady was out with an injury this season so he isn't ranked, but last season (2007), Brady ranked first overall. Roethlisberger was 11th. In 2006, Brady ranked 5th and Roethlisberger was 11th. Are you sensing a trend here?

The wild-card here is obviously Brady's health, because if his knee is shot or he is limited in some way then there is some question, but the questioner says if the two are healthy; with that proviso there is only one answer logical answer: Brady. So, Wilbon, this is a pretty easy question to start off the chat with, eh?
Michael Wilbon: Ben.











Wha-wha-wha!
I'm taking Ben. Are you kidding me? Did you watch the game? Did you pay attention to the entire season? He's 26 years old and has won two Super Bowls. What else is he supposed to do. I said in October I'm taking Ben. I said in November I'm taking Big Ben. And I'll say again now, at the beginning of February, give me Ben...

This is what I'm talking about. Here is the evidence that Wilbon cites to back up his assertion that Roethlisberger is the better quarterback, which to me requires a lot of backing up:
  1. He watched the game [the Super Bowl]
  2. He paid attention to the season
  3. Roethlisberger's age
  4. Roethlisberger's two Super Bowl wins
  5. He apparently said he would take Roethlisberger over Brady before the Super Bowl (#1), before the season (#2) and before (obviously) the Steelers won this most recent Super Bowl (#3).
All together now: huh? But this isn't all, folks. This was the first question in the chat, so there was still some time for someone to call Wilbon on his ridiculous and nonsensical answer. Sure enough, a few questions later this pops up:
Richmond, VA: I think Roethlisberger certainly improved his stock last night. However, you do realize that Brady has three rings (and I, personally, don't really like Brady). Also, Roethlisberger's first Super Bowl (the game itself, not the season) was obviously won in spite of him playing a terrible game. I think you are overrating him slightly. I'd take a healthy Brady and a health Peyton Manning over Roethlisberger for next season (maybe not for the duration of time, as Roethlisberger's younger).
A reasonable and maybe even overly kind rebuke of Wilbon's ridiculous assertion. So, Wilbon, you goofed right?
Michael Wilbon: I understand why people would take Brady and Manning. I would take Ben. I don't care about passing #s or MVP awards. I care about winning the game. That's all. And I think Ben can win another Super Bowl or two, while I don't really believe the Cotls or Patriots will win again with Manning and Brady, who are among the greatest QBs ever...And ever. Still--let me say this again--I'd take Big Ben.
Counting quarterback quality by number of wins is like saying the quality of a painting can be ascribed to the type of paint you used. Its an important but it ignores the entire rest of the painting.

OK, maybe that isn't the greatest analogy. I'm a bit tired and I probably have baby poop in my hair. Let me try again. There are eleven different players on an offense so a quarterback isn't even solely responsible for how an offense plays, let alone how the defense or special teams play, or what the quality of the competition, difficulty of schedule, or the level of moronitude demonstrated by the head coach is. 'There are just too many other things at play to say the quarterback won the game.' Such an assertion is simplistic and asinine in the extreme.

But, and this is the part that kills me, even if we throw all logic off the roof of an eighth story walk-up and go by Wilbon's ridiculous measuring stick of wins, Brady still blows Roethlisberger out of the water! You may even recall that Brady was the quarterback of a team that won 21 straight games at one point!

Terrible job, Wilbon. If I could use Photoshop, I'd give you Da Nutz.

Monday, February 2, 2009

How did the Watson-esque refs miss this?

Hell ya it was a fantastic finish to last night's Super Bowl. I turned in to Bill Walton with all the hyperbole I was throwing around - "Best Play evveerrrrr! Best catch evverrrrr!" The only thing that kinda bummed me out about the game was the incredible and determined effort that the officials made to remind us that they were on the field too. The game was so stop-and-start that I was ready to pronounce it the Most Forgettable Super Bowl Ever, until the fabulous fourth quarter.

But I found it ironic that in the biggest play of the game - San Antonio Holmes ridiculous catch (Best Catch in Super Bowl history!!!!) - the refs gagged. Holmes, after winning the game and wrapping up the MVP, turned to the crowd and celebrated by doing the LeBron*. I freaking LOVED that (Best celebration Evvveerrrr!)**.

Then I heard some caller on the radio this morning bring up the point that Holmes should've received a 15 yard excessive celebration penalty - you're technically not allowed to use the ball as a prop - but somehow this overly eager gang of refs missed it. The Cardinals would've had much better field position for their last gasp plays, and it might have made things a little more interesting, but Warner fumbled anyway to make it a moot point. It would've been the Gayest Call in Super Bowl Hisssstorrry if they did throw a flag, and in the true spirit of things, I'm relieved they didn't.

However, somewhere, in some basement in Phoenix, a Cardinals fan is stewing, much like Buffalo Sabres fans still are.*** "We woulda won the game if the refs woulda had any balls!"

*The best part about this was that the stupid old white radio host said "...and when he used the ball like a salt shaker and then acted like he was throwing salt in the air, he tecnically could've been penalized." Salt shaker? Sheesh.

**Technically, the "LeBron" should actually be called the "KG." Kevin Garnett did that move waaay before LeBron was even in the league. However, it's obvious that the evil Nike empire has had all YouTube clips of this destroyed.

***Holy shit!!!

Superbowl Ends Football Season, Officially Begins Hockey, Basketball, Baseball, Lacrosse, Soccer, Rabbit, Duck, Football, Beerpong, Gay Sex Seasons


In a Superbowl most notable for a bemused Bruce Springsteen's fifty-nine year old crotch flying testicle-first into your living room, the Pittsburgh Steelers ended an angst-ridden three year championship drought and temporarily validated 334,563 people's questionable decision to live in Pittsburgh by beating the Los Angeles Arizona Cardinals, 27-23.    

Now that I am the father of twin boys (thanks a lot Jesus, you rat bastard) I was unable to watch the Superbowl at one of the many dens of inebriation that dot my neighborhood.  Instead I attended Baby Bowl I at a friend's house.  Baby Bowl, for those of you unfamiliar which I assume is all of you because I just made up the name, is a Superbowl party for new parents.  

The idea is quite ingenious actually.  As a new parent of two babies who enjoy crying only slightly more than pooping on the wall* or on their grandmother's face** the fear of taking them into any public or semi-public place and encountering a screaming fit (or two simultaneously) is enough of a deterrent that my wife and I virtually never leave the house.  This is very popular with our neighbors.  

Baby Bowl I allowed us to not worry about our kids screaming and pissing off surrounding non-child having people because everyone who came to Baby Bowl I had a kid (with one exception but he's a good friend so we weren't worried about upsetting him).  So, when children weren't crying, which was surprisingly about half the time, us new parents got to sit around, chat, drink some beer, and watch a surprisingly decent football game.  Good times. 

In other news, Spring Training starts in two weeks!  Bring on baseball season!

*Yup, this happened.
**Sadly this too also happened.