The sports realm's second most hotly debated videotape of 2009 has finally surfaced. You may recall that Nike reps confiscated two pieces of videotape footage of Xavier University's Jordan Crawford dunking on LeBron James at Bron's Cleveland-area skills camp.
Of course, when Nike scuttled the supply, the demand to see the footage went through the roof, such that we were expecting the tape to show something like this:
Crawford takes the ball straight at LeBron, lifts off, does a 360, takes off his shoe (Adidas, of course), bonks LeBron in the head with it, does another 360, composes and records a diss track called "Be Gone, LeBron," does another 360, tomahawks the rock through the hoop, grabs his junk, pantomimes riding a horse up and down the baseline for a full 90 seconds, picks up a megaphone he'd planted behind a nearby snowbank, and bellows, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I JUST DUNKED ON YO' PEANUT HEAD!!!!!!"
(Joe Posnanski made up some of that stuff. I made up the rest. Figure out which is which based on what's funny and what's not.)
Unfortunately, now that the tape has returned from its space walk, we see it's brutally unremarkable. It's not even worth embedding on this blog I neglect so terribly. Seriously, if I saw the chain of events the tape captures on the court across the street, I wouldn't even bat an eye. (Provided I could get over the idea of a bunch of 6'8'' black dudes ballin' in my neighborhood instead of the usual complement of small Latino pre-teens.)
Ah, if only Erin Andrews worked for Nike instead of ESPN. (Oh no I ditt-int!) In their omnipotence (more omnipotent even than the Worldwide Leader?), Nike might have shot the tape into space before it ever leaked out, and I wouldn't be here admonishing my weenie to show less interest in something so disgracefully evil.
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
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3 comments:
Somewhere in there Crawford should give Lebron a reach-around.
Has any non-story ever received so much useless ink? After the jabs LBron puppet took during the NBA Finals, you'd think NIKE had learned their lesson and that they could've turned this tape in to a positive marketing tool. As in, "See! Look what happens when LeBron ain't wearing his Zooms!" Or show that lame dunk, then show a clearer clip of LeBron ripping the ball from that guy, tearing off his head and dunking both the ball and his soon-to-be-forgotten noggin through a 12-foot-high rim.
The new Lebron Zoom Murder: not only rewriting basketball, but morality itself
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