Ortiz Tests Postive For Banned Substance, Boston Media Tests Positive For Doucheiness

The Boston media wasted no time jumping all over David Ortiz for testing positive for a banned substance in 2003. Ortiz, it was recently learned, was on the same list of "anonymous positives" as Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte, and, of course, the immortal and forever tainted* David Segui.

According to those who have journalism degrees, this invalidates the Red Sox 2004 and 2007 World Series championships, and pretty much everything else the man has ever done.

Take a walk? FAKER!
Strike out? LIAR!
Hit a single? CHEATER!!

I won't rehash the whole steroids argument here, but some of it is relevant. Are steroids cheating? Well, yes and no. There is nuance here, I'm sorry to say to the black-and-whiters. Anyone who doesn't admit that has an agenda. Using steroids is against baseball's rules now, but was not back in 2003 when the tests were administered. I'm more than willing to indict someone who knowingly broke the rules, but at the time there were no rules.

The other vitally important aspect of this whole argument is that anabolic steroids hold such magic, mystical, power that to even be in a room with some will give you the ability to hit a baseball 500 feet. This simply isn't true. I think one can make a logical conclusion, and this is disputed by some, that using steroids would provide some benefit to a ball player, but what that benefit is, or how much of that benefit a player would receive is as grey an area as grey areas get.

But there is no question, no grey area, no momentary doubt, nothing to slow down the assassination squads of the Boston media. Quoth the Curly Headed Boyfriend, "And those life-changing Red Sox championships of 2004 and 2007? Are they forever tainted? You bet." The equally eloquent Tony Massarotti had this to say, "And so now we know, with 99.9 percent certainty, what we have long suspected and feared: Big Papi is a myth. The rags-to-riches story is truly a fairy tale."

You guys had to go to school to do that? It's good thing New England sports fans have such intelligent and informed analysis with which to line their cat boxes. Reactionary garbage like this is only one of many reasons the newspaper industry is in the shitter, but hey, at least it made the list.

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*Ha ha! I wrote 'taint'.
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