I'm Not Dead Yet, but Definitely Circling the Drain

Only one phrase could have awoken me from my far-too-long-hibernation (aka "baseball season") from poooasting:

"The Dallas Mavericks sign free agent Tim Thomas."

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! The light! It burns!

Holyfuckingjesuschristonasnowmobile! The one player in the league that has repeatedly been a punchline in my NBA discussions over the years is now a member of my team. Geigh.

How can this be possible??!! The Mavericks were already saved from themselves when the Orlando Magic inexplicably matched their $34 million offer for a player who averages, like 2 pts and 2 rebounds a game. That was lucky.

Then they get Shawn Marion - not really The Matrix anymore, but an upgrade athletically and fills a need - for a bag o' donuts. Nice. Things are going OK this summer. Nothing stoopid yet...

FUCK!!!

Tim Thomas??!! For Donnie Nelson's sake, it better be the Boston Bruins goalie, not that uberdog of a place mat that has stolen...wait for it....$84 MILLION during his NINE stops in the NBA!!! The Mavs will be his freaking tenth team in the league in 12 years. Ya, how can you not want a proven commodity like that on our team? I bet Tim Thomas, the goalie, would actually try on the court and not drag all those around him in to a pit of donkey shit.

FUCK!!

His most memorable stint in the league came during his 3 months with the Phoenix Suns in 2006 when they made it to the Western Conference Finals against the Mavericks. (A side note on this - Thomas has played 55 playoff games in his entire twelve-year career. Twenty of those 55 games came in this 2006 run with the Suns. What a jackleg!) Thomas actually performed well in those playoffs, averaging 15 & 6 and hitting a cold-blooded three that saved the Suns' bacon in the opening series against the Lakers. (Notice Marion got the offensive rebound. Maybe the Mavs can ride this combo again!) Of course, it was a contract year for Thomas though, so he decided to actually try for a change.

But around these parts (Dallas), Thomas' whole career is summed up by one action: his blowing a kiss to Dirk in game 5 of the WCF and calling Nowitzki "a fucking pussy." You could read his lips.

How did Dirk respond? Well, he only erupted for FIFTY in the game, including a whopping 22 in the fourth quarter, and reduced Thomas, and ironically Marion as well, to a pile of cat litter. Nice work Timmy. Fire up a superstar, while folding your tail between your legs and disappearing. The Suns thought so highly of his act that they let him go to the Clippers immediately after the season ended. Hey, maybe Cuban and Little Nellie's goal is to re-enact that game and have Marion and Thomas guard Dirk in practice to keep Nowitzki's confidence sky-high.

Now, granted, the Mavs did sign Thomas for a one-year deal worth only $1.3 million - 6'10'' people with a heart beat get $1.3 million in the NBA - and they claim he'll help spread the floor with his shooting, which he may, but I just don't want proven losers like this guy on my team. I don't care if Cuban signed him for $7.50 an hour to park and detail the players cars, I still don't want him. I guess that once the Magic matched their Gortat offer, the Mavs just had money burning a hole in their pocket. It's like when you were a kid and you had a nickel in your pocket and all you could afford was that off-brand piece of taffy at the store so you said, "Ah screw it, I'll buy that." Then you put it in your mouth and it tastes like shit and you immediately spit it out and wish you just ate the nickel instead. Hey, that's it! My nickname for Thomas this year is "Shitty Taffy."

I'm gonna create a new stat here on Toooast!!!! called the T!!! Factor. It'll be an arbitrary, unexplainable, totally non-stats-based number that we can assign to players based on how many wins or losses we think that player earns or costs his team. I'm giving Thomas a T!!! Factor of -5 right off the bat. His lethargy and suckitude will in some way cost the Mavs five wins this year. Marion already took the number zero for his Mavs jersey, so Thomas can't have that one. How about -5, or a picture of some Nutz? Oh wait, Shitty Taffy doesn't have any.

FUCK!!