Da TruWarier Comes to LA - Ariza Instantly Forgotten

Before I started hearing the grumblings that Trevor Ariza was "insulted" by the Lakers' preliminary offer and that he was looking to leave for more money, I had hoped as a L.A. native (and UCLA alum) Ariza would relish the opportunity to play at home and challenge for another championship rather than take slightly more money for an inferior team.

What was I thinking? This is professional sports. Show me tha muthafuckin' money!

The Lakers had offered Ariza three years for the mid-level exception, a contract worth roughly $16.8 million. For a guy who averaged 8.9 PPG and 4.3 RPG last year, his best stats of his career by far, it seemed like a fair offer to me. In fact, according to reports, that was what other teams were offering Ariza as well. Most GM's learned their lesson with the Jerome James fiasco a few years ago - you don't break the bank for a player with a limited track record who had one decent run of games in the playoffs. What's Ariza's ceiling as a player anyway? 14 & 5? Apparently, Ariza felt the Lakers were dissing him by telling him to see what kind of offers he could get, and he decided he couldn't be a Laker anymore now that his manhood had been challenged.

So, I was resigned to the fact that Ariza was gone. Who then would fill the void at small forward who could provide some of the talents that he had brought to last year's championship team?

RON ARTEST????!!!

When I initially heard it, I was stunned. Artest? Really? The first thing I thought was, "How did that happen so fast?"

According to the LA Times, "The courtship of Artest began with a phone call from Magic Johnson, continued over the phone with Jackson and ended during a seal-the-deal lunch Thursday with Lakers owner Jerry Buss."

Then I thought, "What will he shave in to his head first, the Hollywood sign or the image of Jack Nicholson's crazed face from The Shining?"

While Ariza was engaging in a high-priced game of Chicken with the Lakers, they simply said, "Fine, we'll get someone far more established, a better defender who is twice the offensive player, for the same offer we made you. Have fun with whichever loser team you end up on when Kobe and Artest bitch-slap you and your true value is revealed."

"Ya, but Artest is a NUT! He'll torpedo the Lakers! He's a ball hog, and the team already has the biggest ball hog in the league on it! It'll never work!"

To that, I respond with two words: Phil. Jackson**.

Dennis Rodman was a supposed irreparable malcontent who had no interest in helping a team win before joining the Bulls. Jackson (and Jordan) held Rodman in check and he was a stud during their second three-peat.

Jackson (and Kobe) are strong enough, and I believe Artest respects them enough, so that Ron-Ron won't test his limits in L.A. The presence of Artest will make the Lakers an even stronger team defensively and during the times when Bryant is on the bench, Artest can help carry the scoring load, something that Ariza never would be able to do. Take a look at how many of those open threes that Ariza hit in the playoffs came off passes from a doubled Kobe. I've never been an Artest fan and loved it when Kobe would torch him in their match-ups, but honestly, I'd rather have Artest than Ariza.

Also, there's this uncomfortable story where, in 2008, right after the Lakers had been castrated by the Celtics in game 6, Artest snuck in to the showers where Kobe was standing alone, and told him he wanted to play with him.* The fact that TruWarier really wants to be a Laker can't be overlooked.

This is yet another case of good fortune for the Lakers. First, Derek Fisher's daughter needs special madical attention, so he is released from the Jazz and ends up on the Lakers. Then they get Trevor Ariza for a rice bowl and Pau Gasol for a couple of fry cooks. Now they exchange Ariza for a superior player. Cham-peen-chip.

Ariza and his agent quickly scurried to the Houston Rockets for a 5-year, $33 million deal, two more years than the Lakers offered at essentially the same annual figure. The Rockets won't have T-Mac or Yao next year (or Artest, eh), so maybe Ariza thinks that'll make him the ring-bearing Alpha Dog on that team. Ariza is NOT an Alpha Dog, and I can't wait to see Shane Battier telling him what to do. He may get more shots next year, but I bet his shooting percentage numbers tumble now that he won't be the beneficiary of cheating defenses. Not to totally scorch the guy, but it's kinda fitting that he's going to Houston, so that when he's providing 10 points & 4 rebounds a game for 2 years, they only have to go down the street to shoot him in to space.

The first destination that I heard about where Ariza might end up yesterday was Cleveland, and the wheels started spinning about how Nike could have a Puppet 3-on-3 in its commercials with Artest, Pau and Kobe vs. LeBron, Shaq and Ariza. The sub-plots for that Finals match-up would've been off the charts and you could almost hear the gears in David Stern's head beginning to map out how to make it happen.

So, in the end, Ariza gets "to do what's best for my family,"*** and Artest gets closer to a title and gets to live it up in Los Angeles, which he was already doing in the off-season.

Just to make this story even crazier, I hope Artest grabs jersey #8.


*That sure sounds gay, doesn't it? Does Kobe's wife need to be on guard about this relationship?

**Immediately after finishing this poooast, news came down that Phil Jackson would be back full-time with the Lakers next year.

***Yes, Ariza did issue that ridiculous cliche after inking with the Rockets. So I guess the best thing for his "family" (Ariza isn't married) is to play on four teams in six years, bouncing from coast-to-coast.