There's a reason why certain teams are always terrible

A friend of my dad's used to like to goof on him for his tendency to buy bargain-basement, off-brand consumer goods, be they groceries, electronics, or anything in between. He used to say, "There's a reason why stuff costs more -- because it's better!"

Likewise, I'm starting to think there's a reason why certain MLB teams continue to stink of death year after year even as they aggressively remodel their rosters.

I was sitting here about 10 minutes ago marveling at something: I was watching a guy (Luke Hochevar) pitch for the Kansas City Royals -- the Kansas City Off-Brand Royals -- whom the L.A. Dodgers drafted in the first round and were unable to sign.

Hochevar is pitching brilliantly tonight, and with nothing positive to say about their moribund As(s)tros, Fox Sports Houston announcers Bill Brown and Jim Deshaies are instead trying to train themselves to pronounce Hochevar's name correctly. A worthy endeavor, I say, as I've never heard the man's name pronounced the same way twice; it's "ho-CHAY-ver."

So ho-CHAY-ver mows down the side and the Royals come up to bat in the top of the third inning. Leading off the inning, something called "Mitch Maier" just flat-out blasts a pitch from Roy Oswalt just to the right of dead center field, and there's no way Michael Bourn -- fast as he is -- to prevent it from getting past him. The ball scorches a path of worms toward that irritating vestigial hill in center field and then rolls up the hill, with Bourn finally reaching it at the wall, some 436 feet from the plate.

With nobody out, Maier is going to reach third base standing up and give the Royals an overwhelming chance to get on the board first in this scoreless game. But the third base coach -- whom I will not dignify by looking up his name and will instead call "Aggro Y. Runoutofarally" -- waves him home.

Plaschke profanity: There are NO FUCKING OUTS.

The relay throw from Kazuo "Butt Donut" Matsui arrives approximately 10 feet from home plate, but Ivan Rodrguez is still able to tag Maier out fairly easily.

(Yes, I know they're playing under National League rules in Houston and the pitcher was up next, but refer again to the profanity above. You don't send the runner even if there's one out.)

Two batters later, David DeJesus' fly ball to center field, instead of being a sacrifice fly, is the third out.

Meanwhile, Hochevar has mowed down the first 12 Astro batters in a row. And he ought to be working with a lead.

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