My 2009 Baseball All Star Ballot

As a rule, All Star games are passé. The NBA and NHL feature mutated versions of their respective games, contests where defense goes to die. Their all-star games feature more scoring than a normal team achieves in a week. The NHL collects their best defensemen and then puts them on the ice so the offensive players will have someone to skate past. The NBA may as well just bring in the Harlem Globetrotters. LeBron James or Curly Neal: Who ya got?! The NFL's Pro Bowl is an insult to our collective intelligence and, more importantly, a major injury waiting to happen. As a Redskins fan, I'm happiest when no players from the Redskins are chosen for the Pro Bowl.

Baseball is the only sport that lends itself to an all star game. Players are unlikely to get injured (apologies to Ray Fosse), and playing defense isn't a part of the game that you can simply remove, like a hat as you bow and move out of the way of someone on their way to score. Also, as an unabashed baseball nerd, I just like it. Hows that for hard hitting analysis? Alert Fox News!

So, with that garbage, or as some might say, "gargage", out of the way, here is my 2009 All Star ballot.

American League

First Base: Youkilis, K., BOS
-Youk is hitting .358/.476/.657 and playing killer defense. True, he's got an unsustainable BABIP, but he's hitting line drives like me watching Mike Tyson hit Zack Gakufianakis: over and over and over. Rinse, repeat. In short, the Beard Of Terror will not be stopped.

Second Base: Pedroia, D., BOS
-Second base in the AL is stacked with Aaron Hill, Ian Kinsler, and Brian Roberts all worthy of consideration. And there's even been a Robinson Cano sighting. How quaint. Still, my vote goes to the reigning AL MVP, folks.

Third Base: Longoria, E., TB
-Another stacked position, but as good as Bitch Tits, Scott Rolen, and Brandon Inge (?) have been, this one isn't close. In twenty five years people are going to look at Bitch Tit's plaque in Cooperstown and wonder why he didn't make any All Star games after 2008.

Shortstop: Andrus, E., TEX
-As good as third base and second base are, that's how bad shortstop is in the AL. The guy this vote should really go to (probably) is Derek "Past a diving..." Jeter, but I've had just about enough of him, so I'm voting for Andrus who's defense has been unbelievable, hitting has been fine, and first name is Elvis. Top that shit.

Catcher: Varitek, J., BOS
-This is simply terrible. There is no way that Varitek should be the starting catcher for the AL in the All Star game. Its not that Tek has been bad. In fact, if he had hit this well last year, the Red Sox would have made the World Series instead of Tampa. No, the real problem is that Joe Mauer, the best player in the AL, is a catcher. Mauer is your All Star starting catcher, but I'm a homer, so what can ya do, eh?

Outfielders: Bay, J., BOS, Markakis, N., BAL, Sizemore, G., CLE
-I actually considered voting for Adam Jones over Sizemore, but it's Grady Freak'n Sizemore, so I didn't. That's not to say Jones isn't deserving. If he keeps this up, he and Markakis are going to form the nucleus with Matt Weiters that makes Baltimore relevant again. In other news, if Jason Bay keeps hitting like this, the Yankees are going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

National League

First Base: Gonzalez, A., SD
-Here's your first half NL MVP, people. Anyone who hits .292/.410/.670 with 22 homers while playing half their games in the cow pasture known as Petco Park deserves the award. That's not to say that Albert Pujols isn't still the best player in the NL... oww... head... hurting... must...move... on...

Second Base:Utley, C., PHI
-This is probably the easiest choice of all. Utley is a perennial MVP candidate and probably should have won the award a couple times by now if it weren't for stupid voters and unfortunately timed injuries.

Third Base: Zimmerman, R., WAS
-This is a I'm-Feeling-Sorry-For-The-Nationals vote. Its not that Zimmerman isn't worthy - he is - but this vote probably should go to David Wright of the Mets. Still, Zimmerman is enjoying a nice bounce-back season, and has reestablished himself as a potential franchise player. Sadly for Washington, he's still not David Wright.

Shortstop: Ramirez, H., FLA
-Is there any more debate over what a massive mistake it was for the Red Sox to trade this guy to the Marlins? I mean, Mike Lowell and Josh Beckett are both excellent players, but they aren't in this guy's league. I guess, if you take salaries out of it, it's not a bad trade for Boston, and flags do fly forever, but, still, wow. He's the best shortstop in the NL, and if he ever learns how to play defense, look the fuck out.

Catcher: McCann, B., ATL
-Another easy pick, McCann is the Joe Mauer of the NL. Geovany Soto had a nice season for Chicago last year, but he's fallen off the cliff this year, and Russell Martin is a nice player, but nothing close to McCann. Unless he gets traded to the AL, here's your starting catcher for the NL for the next five years.

Outfielders: Beltran, C., NYM, Dunn, A., WAS, Upton, J., ARI
-Another Washington National? Surprising, I know, but have you seen what Dunn is doing? He's crushing the ball. His hitting is only surpassed by Justin Upton who is OPSing 1.003. And he's only 21 years old. Dude is a free agent in five years, so Arizona better start counting their pennies. As for Beltran, well, he's Carlos Beltran.