Monday, May 18, 2009

News Of The Douchey: MLB Version


There's been some strange goings on in baseball recently. So, without further poo-poo (yes, I am, actually, an adult):

From the Once A Douche, Always A Douche file: You may recall from last October, Angels pitcher John Lackey prefers a swirling vortex of diarrhea-like discontent in his clubhouse. It should come as no surprise that he prefers the same in his opponent's clubhouse as well.

Coming off the disabled list, Lackey was making his first start of the year for the Angels last Saturday. It lasted two pitches. The first was two feet behind Ian Kinsler, who had homered twice the previous day. The second was in Kinsler's ribs. That was enough for home plate ump Bob Davidson, who threw Lackey out of the game. Lackey, douche that he is, maintains he wasn't throwing at Kinsler. Sure he wasn't. He just happened to throw two fastballs right at the guy who homered twice to start off the game.

From the Charmed If You Do, Charmed If You Don't file: Rays manager John Maddon lives a charmed life. How charmed? He can wear these silly glasses on the job and not get fired. Also, he screwed up the lineup card and lost the use of the DH for the day yesterday. The result was starting pitcher Andy Sonnanstine had to bat. Third. Sonnanstine, who admittedly hadn't hit since high school, went 1-3 with a double and an RBI, and the Rays won 7-5.

From the Fine! file: The Yankees have finally capitulated. How, you ask? They've reversed a rule which barred fans from coming down to the seats by the field to watch batting practice. But, you ask, can't anyone come down to the field and watch batting practice? Not until a few days ago at new Yankee Stadium. Yankees Chief Executive of Douchebaggery (CED), Lonn Trost, said, and this may just be the quote of the year, "If you purchase a suite, do you want somebody in your suite? If you purchase a home, do you want somebody in your home?” Sadly, the Yankees weren't able to keep fans out of other people's homes.

In equally sad news, fate has not taken notice of their prodigious douchebaggery as the Yankees have enjoyed three straight walk off wins against Minnesota.

From the I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage file: The Nationals are 11-25. That's a .303 winning percentage. If they play this way all year they'll finish 49-113. They were 0-6 before playing a home game, and they've won two out of thirteen series all year (the unlucky victims are Braves and the Diamondbacks, who are almost as bad as DC). They are one of the most incompetent organizations in baseball, and are working diligently to ruin DC as a viable baseball city.

But on September 5th they're having "Adopt a pet at the park" night. I'll wager there will be more dogs at Nationals park than people that night.

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