Matty's Stanley Cup Finals Picks: TWL

A reminder, peeps, that tonight is the night the NHL Finals begins. So, turn your picks in either by email to BMFS (if you know him personally or can guess his email address (hint: goat anus)), TOOOAST!!! (toooast.com@gmail.com), or put 'em in the comments here. Now back to your regularly scheduled pooost!!!, complete with poop jokes.

***

It's NHL Finals time, and about the only shot I have to win the coveted Invisible Cup, seen here held by former champion Randy "Shotgun" Jackson, is to triple the allowable score while simultaneously (and accidentally) running over Snizza with a rototiller. Oops! So sorry, dude!

In other words, I'm as bloated as the referee's checking accounts after a Penguins series. (Ba-da-BOOM!) Since there is no way to adequately compete either for first place or last (thanks a lot, Labz), the only thing I can do is humiliate myself in the here and now. Which is what I fully intend to do.

4) Pittsburgh vs. 2) Detroit

As far as I'm concerned, this series is going to come down to one thing: total wang length or TWL. The formula for TWL gets somewhat complex as it takes playing time into account, but without throwing too much math at you, it basically looks like this: TWL=WL x Playing Time/Ball Circumference

If you do the math, you'll quickly see that the Penguins' small wangs make their winning this series next to impossible. Thus, I am forced to chose Detroit in 5.

For more on TWL as a measurement of hockey ability, go here. Thank you, and good night.