Matty's Round 2 Picks: Who The Hell Is Ken Beatrice?

I've long thought that being the worst at something must be as difficult as being the best. When you think about it only one person can be the worst, just as only one can be the best. So, in a way, being the worst is as impressive as being the best. So, my point: I'm awesome.

Before I pollute this series of tubes with my second round picks, I must remind all you peeps that I know virtually nothing about hockey. Sure, there was that time I checked my brother through the closet door when playing floor hockey in socks in our parent's basement, and when playing club hockey in college a fat guy punched me in the face and I fell down, but the makings of a hockey predicting savant these are not.

So, this is how we must do:

EAST
1. Boston vs 6. Carolina
- There is little chance that Carolina will win this series. What I wrestle with is how competitive it will be. Will it be two soccer moms fighting over the last Tickle Me Elmo doll the day after Thanksgiving competitive or fat guy in "I'm with stupid ->" t-shirt falls into hungry polar bear pit competitive?
Matty's Pick: Boston in 5

2. Washington vs 4. Pittsburgh
- You can make a strong case the Caps didn't deserve to win Game 7. But, as a famous radio personality used to say, "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts, oh what a party we'd have because there would be lots of butts and nuts and I fucking love those things." Please note: This won't be funny to anyone who didn't grow up in the DC area and/or hasn't heard Ken Beatrice. I'd also note that I haven't seen Evgeni Malkin but I'm told he's very good. Bye now!
Matty's Pick: Washington in 7 (Unleash the fury!)

WEST
2. Detroit vs 8. Anaheim
- There is no way Anaheim is going to beat both San Jose and Detroit. It just isn't going to happen. Write it down, take a picture, stick that picture up your ass, slam a giant studded dildo up your ass repeatedly, drink some coffee [DELETED BY NETWORK]
Matty's Pick: Detroit in 4

3. Vancouver vs 4. Chicago
- Hey Chicago, how'd that Huet contract work out for you, eh? Maybe you'll think twice when you steal someone else's goaltender now, you... uh... big idiots. Also, when you make pizza the cheese goes on top! Yeah!
Matty's Pick: Vancouver in 7