Get in your time machine and go back to any day ever before October of 2004. Grab the first schmo on the streets of Boston wearing a Red Sox hat and tell them the following information: The Red Sox are facing the Yankees in Boston. One team blows a two run lead with two outs in the bottom of the ninth to lose the first game, blows a 6-0 lead the next day also to lose, and then gives up a straight steal of home plate the following day to get swept. Nobody would say that team would be the Yankees. But it was. I now have an erection.
The Greatest Closer Ever started the weekend off right by giving up a fucking biz-omb to Jason Bay with a runner on, two outs, and a 4-2 lead. Good bye lead, hello extra innings. Not to be out-done, Damasio Marte gives up another moon shot, this one to Kevin Youkilis in the 11th: Yankees lose! Yankees lose! Tha-ah-ah-ah-ah Yankees loooose! Incidentally, guess the last time the Red Sox tied the Yankees with a homer in the bottom of the ninth and then beat them with a walkoff homer in extras. Never, that's when. Fucking never. I now have another erection. (It's my other penis.)
Cut to game two on Saturday. $85
Then Sunday night on "Natinal" TV, the coup de grace. With Andy "I had no idea there was a needle sticking out of my anus but I feel terrible about it. Honestly." Pettitte on the mound and the bases full, Jacoby Ellsbury pulls the first straight steal of home plate that I can remember. The play probably didn't matter - the Red Sox were already leading 2-1 and the Yankees wouldn't score again, but it was emblematic of the humiliation visited upon the visitors from New York.
How do you let a guy steal home plate on you? Admittedly it's tough to do, but you absolutely have to follow these important rules.
1) Do not, under any circumstances, pay attention to the runner on third. You can signal your intent to do this by pitching from the wind up.
2) Make sure the third baseman is playing so far off the line he could reasonably be confused with the shortstop.
3) Despite the fact that a left handed hitter is up giving a clear view of third base, the catcher should never, ever, never, never, look there.
4) Throw only curve balls. They take longer to get to the plate and are more difficult to catch.
The really funny thing about it is that, if you watch Ellsbury, he trips and falls right as he reaches home plate. It was downplayed by the media, but he really takes a tumble. And the Yankees still couldn't get him out.
It's only April, so none of this really matters, but it is hard not to suppress a couple chubbies over it anyway.
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