Conference Semifinal Picks -- Indulge Me While I Extrapolate

Heh heh heh m heh.

(2) Detroit vs (8) Anaheim

I bailed on the Wings bandwagon before it even left Mitch Albom's garage because of Chris Osgood. Simply put, he was the worst starting goaltender in the NHL this season (much worse than the late Jose Theodore, in fact). I was not aware he had a toggle switch on his back, which is currently in the ON position.

I have talked up Bobby Ryan so much during these playoffs that he is now one of Snizza's favorite players. However, he's now got a nagging injury and didn't show much jump in Game 6 vs. SJ.
Pick: Detroit in 6.

(3) Vancouver vs (4) Chicago
The last time these two teams played each other, on March 29, Roberto Luongo shut the Hawks down, Snizza's boy Byfuglien tried to lay down a drag bunt with Luongo's head, and a full-on line brawl broke out.* The highlight of the incident is when that gutless, visor-wearin' puke Alexandre Burrows starts pulling Duncan Keith's hair. (While fighting with said visor still in place, I might add.)

Chicago beat an injury-depleted and poorly coached Calgary team en route here. They have incredible offensive depth, but one of Vancouver's attributes is its defensive depth. Unless the Blackhawks can ambush a rusty Vancouver team in Game 1 and retain the upper hand with Khabibulin playing as well as Luongo (likely to happen once or twice, not likely from game to game), I think the Canuckleheads win this series.
Pick: Vancouver in 6.

*Holy mookeystinks, look at the cast of characters on that FanHouse site! You've got bought-out Dallas Morning News staffer Kevin Blackistone -- a pretty sharp guy who's unfortunately one of the most overmatched sports columnists I've ever read. Then you've got the man who unwittingly invented blogging by refusing to use any of the access he had as a Sun-Times columnist, instead doing zero legwork and lobbing off half-baked cheap shots every other day. Then -- as though that's not enough right there -- Lisa Olson!?! The woman who Zeke Mowatt harassed, who Victor Kiam called a bitch, and who fled the country to escape attacks from Boston sports fans -- including a burglary of her home?

Boston vs Carolina

What the 'Canes bring to the table: Goaltending, speed, depth, and discipline.
What the Bruins bring to the table: Goaltending, speed, depth, and senseless violence.

How to become a Boston Folk Hero:
1990 -- Swing your weenie around like a lasso in front of a female beat writer.
2003 -- Grab a 72-year-old man by the ears and fling him to the ground.
2004 -- Throw at Hideki Matsui's head.
2005 -- Throw at Derek Jeter's head.
2007 -- Throw at Bitch-Tits Rodriguez's head.
2008 -- Pretend your knee has been torn asunder, get carried off the court, then return to the game 2 minutes later.
2009 -- Cross-check some French guys in the face.
Pick: Boston in 6.

Washington vs Pittsburgh
Past performance does not predict future results. Remember that.

The Pens needed 6 games to dispatch a pretty good Flyers team, whereas the Caps needed 7 to knock out a team of zombies in Rangers uniforms. However, if you look at everything other than final scores, the Caps' performance in round 1, repeated game by game, is far more conducive to winning than the Pens' performance.

The Caps lost 3 games in the opening round via goaltending alone; their guy gave away Game 1 and the other team's guy flat-out stole Games 2 and 4. They outplayed the Rangers in virtually every other measurable way. Meanwhile, after Game 1 of their series with the Flyers (to which only one team showed up), the Pens were outplayed in every measurable way other than faceoff percentage. They even took more minor penalties than the Flyers!

I have never seen a team score more goals with no predictive value whatsoever: of Sidney Crosby's four goals in the series, one went in off his skate, one went in off his arm, one he batted in out of mid-air, and one was into an empty net. Of Malkin's four, one went in off his knee and one he batted in out of mid-air. Unless these guys have magical powers (and I'll allow for that possibility, to be honest), this can't continue. It's not predictive of future success.

What is also not predictive: The Caps were 3-0-1 against the Penguins this season. Only the three wins were before the trade deadline, and two were before the Pens shitcanned Michel Therrien.

Simeon Varlamov was barely tested by a Rangers team that, except for the first two periods of Game 7, looked like they were standing around waiting to be sent home. This won't continue against the Pens, especially if Ovechkin continues to take 72-second shifts and turn the puck over in the neutral zone a half-dozen times a game. I think Varlamov is going to have to make a lot of tough saves in this series, and I have no idea if he's capable. Marc-Andre Fleury, however, was tested quite a bit by the Flyers and showed he's in top form.

I will be rooting for the Caps as though they are my own hometown team. But I'm just not feeling too great about their chances.
Pick: Pittsburgh in 6.*

*I was going to pick the Pens in 7, but if this series reaches a seventh game, there is no way the Penguins win it in Washington.

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