Conference Quarterfinals -- Party at Penner's Place!

First of all, huzzah to the Edmonton Oilers for ridding themselves of Craig MacTavish. I was frankly tired of hearing him throw Dustin Penner under a bus for not being the player Kevin Lowe foolishly thought he was when he signed him to a $21M offer sheet. He wasn't, isn't, and never will be a prototype power forward, and it's not his fault the Oilers overpaid him. If he was, he'd actually have been drafted into the NHL. There's a reason the Ducks didn't match the offer sheet -- it's because Brian Burke is an excellent GM and Kevin Lowe wasn't.

Speaking of "Mac T" -- if you're wondering what'll happen to Donte Stallworth after his vehicular manslaughter charge, there is a precedent... although Stallworth probably won't end up latching onto Wayne Gretzky's coattails and winning three Stanley Cups.

Now, onto the picks, sponsored this week by Quizno's, home of the new $4 Smoky Tornado.

EAST
(1) Boston vs. (8) Montreal
When you watch this series, note that the name "Kostitsyn" has the word "tits" right in the middle of it. Then try to ignore it. Good luck.
Pick: Boston in 5

(2) Washington vs. (7) New York
Normally I would go with the better defense and goaltending over the better offense. But the discrepancy is just too great here.* And even though the Rangers had the best penalty kill in the league this season, the Caps had some success against it.
Pick: Washington in 7

*How's this: The Caps have a defenseman with more goals than anyone on the Rangers roster. A defenseman who played in 68 games.

(3) New Jersey vs. (6) Carolina
Beating the Devils in the playoffs is apparently no way to get respect in the NHL: This will be Carolina's third time doing it in the past decade, and still everyone is just talking about Brodeur this, Brodeur that, Brodeur the other thing. Cam Ward is playing better than he is right now.
Pick: Carolina in 6

(4) Pittsburgh vs. (5) Philadelphia
The Pens spent two thirds of the season farting around with an overmatched high-school gym teacher as a head coach and no power play quarterback. If they played all season like they played the last 2 months, they'd have won the President's Trophy.
Pick: Pittsburgh in 5

WEST
(1) San Jose vs. (8) Anaheim
After playing a grand total of zero high-leverage games all season, the Sharks need a first-round tune-up against an overmatched weakling. They're not going to get it here.
The real crowning achievement of Brian Burke's tenure as Ducks GM: Building Ryan Getzlaf out of spare Centaur parts.
Pick: San Jose in 6

(2) Detroit vs. (7) Columbus
The gap in save percentage between Steve Mason and Chris Osgood is almost twice as much as the gap between Henrik Lundquist and Jose Theodore.
Read that again.
Pick: Columbus in 6

(3) Vancouver vs. (6) St. Louis
I don't know how St. Louis is going to win this series. Then again, I don't know how St. Louis got into the playoffs in the first place.
Pick: Vancouver in 5

(4) Chicago vs. (5) Calgary
If the Blackhawks were as good as the Stars made them look this season, the NHL would have canceled the playoffs and just shipped the Cup to Chicago.
It's thought that Calgary is limping into the playoffs a bit, but I watched most of their late-season games and thought their style of hockey, while it wouldn't win 'em every game, would win 'em a seven-game series.
Pick: Calgary in 7

Just about a half hour 'til the puck drops. So hands up: Who wants to rock?!

.