Caps In The Playoffs: Game 7, Round 1: Stealing The Milk Money From A Big Fat 7 Year Old*

After two periods last night I was ready to fire Bruce Boudreau. That's reigning NHL Coach of the Year Bruce Boudreau. That's leading the Caps to the second best record in the Eastern Conference and the second best record in team history Bruce Boudreau.

Yup, that guy. Fire his ass.

Get him outta here. Because you don't go into a Game 7 in your own building and lay a big stinky turd in the first two periods and keep your job. You don't get to show up in Game 7 and hang out by the faceoff circles with your pack of non-filter Pall Malls shooting the shit. You don't show up in a Game 7, flash your MVP trophy, you Coach of the Year trophy, your Sexiest Man Ass trophy, or what have you, and expect the other team to bow down to you, throw on an apron and bake you a batch of super soft chocolate chip cookies. Cause it ain't going to happen. Get all your regular season awards, pile 'em up high and light 'em on fire, cause they ain't worth shit in the playoffs, son.

You have to play hard... you know what? If it's Game 7 and you haven't figured that out yet, there isn't much hope for you.

Then the smoke cleared after the first two periods and somehow the Caps were tied 1-1 with New York. Don't ask me how it happened, I have no idea. I was hiding under the couch with my fingers in my ears loudly yelling "Pretty flowers in a field! Pretty flowers in a field!"

Then, in a dream (I must have passed out at some point), Sergei Fedorov appeared to me wearing a white gown and carrying a Rogue Oregon Golden Ale and a naked picture of Anna Kournikova. He gently coaxed me out from under the couch and pointed at the screen where Fedorov himself was roaring down the wing. He put on the breaks, pointed at someone in the stands, took what I assume was a shot of absinthe but may have been straight Maalox, and fired the puck over Henrik Lundqvist's glove hand. Game over, series over.

Then, because a Hall of Famer's work is never done, he injured Sean Avery on the next shift. Four minutes later, the Caps dogpiled on Simeon Varlamov celebrating the franchise's first playoff series win since the Y2K disaster.

Soon after, the NJ Devils redefined "choke" by giving up two goals with a minute to go and a one goal lead. So the Capitals will face Pittsburgh. Fortunately there are three whole days before the series starts, so there should be ample time for the media to give itself a collective reach-around. Yay.

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In other news, I've heard from the kids on the street that Lori at Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes is a Penguins fan. As a card carrying Capitals Fan who still finds it painful that we once employed Jaromir Jagr, I'd like to challenge her to some kind of bet. I know when you ask a girl on a date you're supposed to have something in mind though... hmm... how about this: if the Caps win I get to post a pro-Caps post on her website. If the Penguins win, she gets to post a pro-Flightless Water Fowl post here. Deal?

* I have no idea what this means.