Why Hip-Hop Sucked in '96...

...Same reason that, unless you live in Calgary, the NHL trade deadline in '09 was a big flop:

It's the money.

Only three of the 40-odd players traded today have more than 1 year left on their contracts -- winger Justin Williams (to the LA Kings, age 28), goalie Pascal Leclaire (to Ottawa, 27), and winger Patrick O'Sullivan (to Edmonton, 24). And only eight others are under contract past the end of this season, including Calgary's prize acquisition, center Olli Jokinen.

In other words, given the state of the economy in the US and Canada, almost no one is interested in making a long-term commitment.

The other big story in the financial news that is the '09 deadline is the Tampa Bay Lightning continuing to disgrace the entire concept of competitive activity. Today they undertook the process of trading off dead salary -- like the contract of the injured and completely finished Olaf Kolzig, to the Leafs -- to get their payroll low enough to qualify for revenue sharing. What a banana republic of a franchise. They'd be lumped in with Ted Stepien's early-'80s Cleveland Cavs and the current iteration of the Oakland Raiders, if only anyone gave a jolly fuck.

Today the Leafs essentially bought Tampa Bay's fourth-round draft pick in 2009 in exchange for half a million dollars' worth of toilet paper-quality contracts. The Leafs, of course, are the most profitable team and thus the biggest contributor to revenue sharing.

My local team, Someone's Dallas Stars*, tight against the cap, made a single move. After the desperate New York Rangers claimed Sean Avery on re-entry waivers, taking on half of Avery's salary, the Stars had enough cap space to claim center Brendan Morrison from the Anaheim Ducks. Morrison has been absolutely useless since leaving Vancouver a couple of seasons ago, but at least the Stars didn't give up anything for him -- plenty of other teams gave up legitimate assets for players who won't help them a whit. And Morrison still qualifies as a warm body, of which the Stars are woefully short at the moment because of injuries.

*When the Stars skate out onto the ice before the game, the PA announcer booms, "Heeeere they come! Your... Dallas... Stars!" At the last game I attended, in which the Stars were missing four of their five best players -- Morrow, Zubov, Modano, and Richards -- I remarked to a friend, "these aren't my Dallas Stars. My Dallas Stars are in the trainer's room or the fucking hospital."

Perhaps most notably, Morrison is the brother-in-law of Stars TV analyst and Master Of All That Which He Surveys Daryl Reaugh. The only silver lining of the Stars potentially missing the playoffs this year (and they're on the outside lookin' in at present): Razor has a contract with Versus and will likely work some playoff games there, so a national audience will have the occasion to bask in his brilliance.

My favorite (and least-favorite) team, the Flyers, made one trade of note, sending miscast third-liner Scottie Upshall and a second-rounder to Phoenix for... [wait for it] My least favorite player in the entire NHL, Daniel Carcillo.

Carcillo is little more than a poorly trained circus monkey. As a player, he brings fewer things to the proverbial table than he takes off.* However, he was a first-round pick just a few years ago, so he's got to be looked at as an entry-salaried prospect, not a replacement-level spare part. He won't get much ice time under John Stevens anyway; almost certainly less than Upshall -- a player who can actually stay out of the penalty box -- got. Upshall is a restricted free agent after this season and the Flyers were not going to make an effort to keep him. They can't get him the minutes he needs and they're already too close to the cap.

I have heard speculation that the Flyers were clearing some salary with this deal in order to set up a potential blockbuster deal for Jay Bouwmeester, who the Florida Panthers wisely chose to retain. This theory is totally irrelevant because the Panthers wanted at least one NHL player in exchange for him -- not purely picks and prospects. The Flyers, by including Upshall and another established player in exchange, would have offset Bouwmeester's salary without a separate trade to clear salary.

Caps GM George "Archie" McPhee went on record to say that, in exchange for Bouwmeester, Florida GM Jacques Martin asked for Karl Alzner, Simeon Varlamov, and John Carlson... who are Washington's three best prospects! (Alzner is NHL-ready; Varlamov is probably ready to be an NHL understudy for a year before starting.) Vancouver, another proposed Bouwmeester trade destination, was probably going to have to offer Mason Raymond, Kevin Bieksa -- both NHLers, the latter an established, good NHLer -- and one of their goaltending prospects to get him.

*One of the greatest things I've seen this season was the Stars' Krys Barch beating the tar out of Carcillo a few weeks ago. He knocked him down, picked him up, knocked him down again, picked him up again, and knocked him down a third time.

Now if you'll kindly excuse me, it's Pointlessly Offensive Outsider Patronization (POOP) Night in the NBA, and I'm going to drop in on "Los Mavs" versus "Los Spurs" and try to hold down my lunch.

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