I'm Not Gay. Honest. Why Don't You Believe Me?

(Scene: A press conference in Florida. Inside a spring training practice facility. Enter a well-oiled, extremely tanned Alex Rodriguez in a pink tank top and tight baseball pants. The cameras are constantly snapping and reporters are shouting over each other.)

Gaggle of reporters: ALEX! ALEX! OVER HERE! ARE YOU GAY? WHY NOT JUST COME OUT! OVER HERE! PLEEEASSSE!

A-Homo (removing his hyper-fashionable shades and looking at the reporters with a steely, but slightly sexy and suggestive glare): Thank you all for coming out here today for another press conference, even though we're still weeks away from the season starting. I would also like to thank my teammates for being here today to show their support. While it's true I had to pay all f them $1 million to be here because they are so sick of my ridiculous shenanigans -- he he, I said "dick" - I know that they truly care for me and when we're all naked in the shower, I really realize what nice looking group we are.

I decided to call a press conference to address the ridiculous rumors - Sheesh, I said "dick" again. Wow. - that the media is spreading that I might be a homosexual. These rumors are flatly untrue and also really mean. Yes, it's true I love Madonna's music and am perhaps the biggest metro sexual in all of the world of the sports, but I'm not a gay man. Yes, I spend as much time as I can on the beaches of Miami, all lubed up and shirtless, but what does that mean? Lots of other guys down there do that.

People are saying that my recent photo shoot for Details looks a little bit, um...swishy, but I think the photos are tasteful, artistic and hot. Also, look at my GUNS in those photos! How could any gay guy have muscles like that?

So, to conclude, I am not, to my knowledge, a homo. So take that you bitches. Snapsnap! I'm out like white shoes after Labor Day.