Life Really is Good When You Wear the Big Blue Star

There's no hiding the fact that if your occupation is that of a professional football player, and your employer is the Dallas Cowboys, you get an undeserved amount of attention and rewards, even when your team runs with the dregs of the league in terms of playoff success. Somehow, just because you are a member of "America's Team", you escape the reputation that is heaped on players from the teams that share the distinction of not winning a playoff game since 1996. A full 13 seasons of ineptitude! That's right Cowboys fan, your team is running buddies with these bottom feeders: the Bengals, Browns, Lions, Chiefs, Texans and Bills. What a crowd, eh! We'll call it the Dumpster Divers division from here on out.

The point of this post wasn't initially to pile on the pitiful Cowboys, but I swing at the lowest hanging fruit, so there.

It was to show yet another example of how Cowboys, even former players, get preferential treatment, if you can call a potential carjacker deciding not to blow your head off "preferential."

Who, you ask, could have been the target of such a crime? Ironically, it was the one player who even level-headed fans of most of the other teams in the league would like to take a swing at: Michael Irvin, aka The Playmaker, aka Edward Scissorhands, aka Coke & Ho's Mike, aka Insufferable Radio Host.

Irvin put down his window because he thought someone wanted to talk to him and saw the passenger in the other vehicle raise a gun, the report said. Irvin said in an interview Tuesday night that he feared the men had planned to rob him and changed their minds when they saw who he was.

“The passenger pulled out a semiautomatic and I knew what time it was,” Irvin said. “But he said ‘Oh, that’s Michael Irvin, with the Dallas Cowboys.’”

Despite being scared, Irvin said he tried to keep the conversation going.

“So we started talking about the Cowboys and everything,” he said. “Then they got back on the highway.”

“I tell you what, I’m glad he was a Cowboy fan,” Irvin said.

Fucking hell! It goes from a possible homicide to the guys reminiscing about the glory days (which is all Irvin does on his radio show anyway).

Scene: a darkened, deserted North Dallas street. Two cars roll to a stop at a red light.

Robber 1: Alright man, roll down your window. This is the one, check out those 22's! I gotta have me some of those bitches. (Robber 2 rolls window down and motions for the other driver to do the same)

Irvin: Yo! S'up dogs? Oh shit! What's with the gat?

Robbers (together): Aw snap! It's Playmaker!

Irvin: You know it! You guys need an autograph or something?

Robber 1: Yo Mike, what would Jimmy do with these Cowboys? They a bunch o' bitches. You'd never let them play like so much ass. Back in the day, you and Emmitt never woulda taken this shit lyin' down. You'd a whooped some ass n' shit. Y'all were the bizzomb!

Irvin: You know it brutha. Oh hey guys, green light.

Robber 2: Aight. Peace out Mike. We'll listen tomorrow. Keep it real.


And now, the worst part is that this event will be retold on the air a kajillion times and everyone will treat Irvin with bigger kid gloves than before. Hell, Jerry Jones may even have a teary Irvin tell the story at halftime of the opening game in Jerry World next year while Bibles with the Cowboys logo emblazoned on the cover fall from the rafters.