Late last night*, a group of Washingtonians, no doubt infused by youth with the spirit of pranksterism, snuck into Pittsburgh's Mellon Arena determined to perpetrate a hoax on the locals. The hoax was specifically designed to result in their delicious humiliation. Their plan was a brilliant one: to place a round slab of rubber onto a certain geographic portion of the arena's ice surface. Ha ha! Ballyhoo wonderfully conceptual in nature, fair gentlemen of Washington!
To make clear that they were from this Nation's Capital City, and no lesser burg, they all dressed in bright red uniforms emblazoned with "Capitals" in stylized script across the front.
Upon entering the building, the "Capitals" learned that the local tricksers had somehow entered into plans to prevent just such a scheme from taking place! How the locals were able to overcome their lack of education and low birthright to even discern that such a scheme could be conceived of let alone take proper precautions to ensure against it can not be known. The targeted portion of the ice was surrounded on three sides by netting anchored into the very frozen surface itself, thus preventing the placement of any circular slabs of rubber! But, upon closer inspection, the Pittsburghers had, as is typical of men of such low station, failed to secure the fourth side of the netting, as it was open to the ice on one side. A fatal mistake!
But, and begrudgingly to their credit, the local tricksters had located in very strategic fashion a watch-man of some sort, who's apparent sole occupation this eve was to prevent the Capitals from placing this rubber disk where they desired. Quite a naysayer this man was! What's more, he was coated in protective layers, to secure the safety of his person should any harm be threatened upon him. Despite the late hour and contrary to many watch-men and other men of the lower classes as are often found in Pittsburgh, this man was as awake as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on Christmas night.
As the "Capitals" took to the ice intent on perpetrating their brilliantly schemed hoax, they cleverly wore ice-skates so as to maneuver properly on the slippery surface. To their surprise, they were met with the sight of several of the locals, intent on protecting their turf, and appropriately colored in the dark soot so common locally due to the presence of nearby industry. Inexplicably these uneducated yokels had labeled themselves "Penguins." The explanation for using the flightless, ugly, and clumsy waterfowl as a symbol was never elucidated.
Soon upon entering the ice surface the gentlemen from Washington were able, through much maneuvering, to place the rubber disk on the desired portion of ice surface! Success! However, the dastardly locals soon removed the disk from its rightful place, thereby spoiling the prank in a most ungentlemenly fashion! This disgusting display of sportsmanship gone awry was repeated over and over, six times in fact, before the locals were dismayed enough to accept the joke and the superiority of the "Capitals" in their midst. Soon after they left the icy surface en mass, never to return.
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In other news, I learned how to embed highlights. Exciting!
*now two nights ago thanks to babies who don't sleep.
2 comments:
You are clearly losing your sanity. Or reading too many chhildren's books.
I wanted to write something about the game because, you know, it was so awesome. But everytime I started to write something it came out really trite and boring. But then I thought, I wonder what some crazy british-type person who had never heard of ice hockey would say about the game?
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