Theres No Shooting Yourself In The Leg In The Champagne Room

Toooast!!! now presents a list of things that will have to happen if the Washington Redskins (7-4) are going to beat the New York "Honkey Fart" Giants (10-1) today:

1. Giants leading receiver Plaxico Burress shoots himself (accidentally or on purpose)
2. Eli Manning miscalculates potency on 'Schroom-urday Night', is stranded on chair in middle of living room fearful of 'carpet sharks.'
3. Antonio Pierce hides Burress' gun
4. ...in own asshole
5. Head Coach Tom Coughlin suspends Head Coach Tom Coughlin for showing up three minutes early for pre-game meeting. (Three minutes early in Tom Coughlin Time (12:05AM GMT) is actually two minutes late.)

Two down, three more to go!

The Running Of The Bullshit

This isn't sports related, but it's a sad commentary on our country, so I figure it fits in just fine here at TOOOAST!!!.

So, how's your economy? Shitty? Well, tough luck, because apparently its all good on Long Island. So good, in fact, that 200 people in line waiting for the local Wal-Mart to open at 5:00am just couldn't wait the extra few seconds required for the doors of the store to be opened. The chaos resulting from the simple act of unlocking those front doors at 5am ended a man's life.

Yes, 200 hundred complete fucking idiots killed a Wal-Mart employee at 5am so they could all buy some goddamn garbage before the sun came up. What a fucking rotten way to die. I'm tempted to go into the whole Naked Gun line about good ways to die (Having your nuts ripped off in a combine), but really, can anyone conceive of a more worthless reason to lose your life?

The whole opening the store at 5am thing is like a more fucked up version of the running of the bulls in Pamplona, which is saying something because all the bulls die at the end of that.

An Over-The-Top Example Of Why Saves Are Stupid

Today the Red Sox traded for Wes Littleton. Who, you ask? Exactly. Pretty much nobody. Here's the Boston Globe on Littleton:

The 26-year-old sidearmer is 5-3 with three saves, a 3.69 ERA and 55 strikeouts in 102.1 innings over 80 career relief outings with Texas. He had a 6.00 ERA in 18 innings for the Rangers last season, spending most of the season at Triple A Oklahoma, where he went 7-1 with a 4.01 ERA and six saves in 44 games.

So, why is this on this blog aside from the fact that nobody else is posting and I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here? Here's why:

Littleton's main claim to fame is earning a save with three scoreless innings in the Rangers' 30-3 victory over the Orioles on Aug. 22, 2007. He entered the game with a 14-3 lead.

Yes, the Rangers actually did score 30 runs against the Orioles. The weird thing was that after 7 full innings the score was only 14-3 which, while an unquestioned blowout, isn't completely abnormal. But the Rangers didn't slow up, scoring ten runs in the eighth inning and then six more in the ninth, the last three coming with two outs. Wonderfully humiliating.

All this is preamble to the point though, which is that saves are a worthless stupid stat. Know why? Because Littleton pitched three innings with a lead of, by inning, 11 runs, 21 runs, and 27 runs, and he got a save! Somehow he "saved" the game for the Rangers by doing that. If he actually saved anything it was the inevitable humiliation of some outfielder who's always dreamed of pitching and, hey!, now that we're up by 27 runs, its my chance!

My shitlog could've done that. Hell, Jose Canseco could've done that.*

*Actually, Jose Canseco did do that.

Pacman Jones Would Like To Wish All You Bitches A Happy Thanksgiving

Hello, bitches! Adam Jones here. I asked for this opportunity to address you, the TOOOAST!!! readers, because I wanted to wish all y'all a happy thanksgiving. Happy thanksgiving. See, bitches? I'm not such a bad guy. So, happy thanksgiving, you bitches.

I'M OUT! LOOK OUT, D, I'M ON THA LOOSE!

Quit Yr Barn Burn'n, Son! Its Free Agent Time!

Don't know if you've been following the baseball free agent derby or not, but its been a barn burner so far. That's 'barn burner' as in so boring that you'd rather go burn your barn than pay attention. Well, the good news, baseball fans, is that the intrigue is going to start getting thicker, much like... well, lets just keep moving, shall we?

The way free agency tends to work is pretty simple. The big fish sign first, thereby setting the market for the smaller fish. Unlike some previous years, we've got some pretty big fish this season. Specifically, there are two guys who are going to set the market: first baseman Mark Teixeira, formerly of the Rangers by way of the Braves and Angels, and C.C. Sabathia ex-Indians and Brewers starting pitcher.

Sabathia is 28, and just entering his prime years. Sabathia's combination of durability, quality, and youth is a hard one to come across on the free agent market and though he isn't the best pitcher in baseball, he's close. That combined with the constant need for excellent starting pitching will net him a contract over and above what Johan Santana signed last off season after being traded to the Mets (6 years, $137.5 million).

Rumors have surfaced that the Yankees (surprise!) have offered Sabathia a six year contract totaling $140 million (or $23.3 million a year). Reportedly, Sabathia is also of interest to the Dodgers, Angels, and Giants, all of whom play on the West Coast. Sabathia grew up in northern California and (again, reportedly) is interested in returning to live and play there. As he will likely get at least one very good offer from one of the above west coast teams, the Yankees will almost certainly up their offer to something that can only be described as patently silly (as if $23 million a year isn't already in that realm).

Despite this, my guess is that Sabathia will end up on the west coast somewhere. It will be hard to turn down the Yankees big bucks, but Sabathia is going to get a ton of money from which ever team he chooses and the Angels and Giants both have money to spend and are far closer to Sabathia's home. Officially, my guess is he winds up with the Angels for slightly less money but the same number of years offered to him by the Yankees.

The possibility that Sabathia does not sign with New York exists because his agent is not Scott Boras. Boras is known to push his clients to take the largest dollar amount offered, regardless of the quality of the team the player is joining (A-Rod), the stated preference of a player to remain in place (Derek Lowe), or the stated preference of a player to be in a small market (Carlos Beltran) or really any preference a player may have at all.

But, while Boras is not Sabathia's agent (yet), he is Mark Teixeira's. Teixeira (pronounced Teh-share-uh) is the same age as Sabathia, and like Sabathia is entering his prime years. Lets be clear: Teixeria isn't Alex Rodriguez. He's a step down from that. But Rodriguez is so good that a step down is still an excellent player. Teixeira is an all-star quality hitter, good for a line of .300/.400/.500 each year (that's batting average/on-base percentage/slugging percentage). What makes him unique though is his incredible defense. Often first base is the position you stash the guy who really has no business playing the field at all, but Teixeira is different.

The performance analysis community likes to total up the number of runs that a player creates over and above what a freely available mediocre player would create. The benefit to analysis of this type is that it takes defense into account. For example, Manny Ramirez is a better hitter than Mark Teixeira because over the same number of plate appearances he will generate more runs. However, Ramirez's defense is so lousy that he gives back much of the value he generates at the plate. Teixeira's defense, like his offense, is a large positive, making him the more valuable player.

Teixeira has been rumored to be joining just about every team in baseball, partially in recognition of the above paragraph. The major players rumored to be in on Teixeira are the LA Angels, New York Yankees, and the Boston Red Sox. The Yankees make the most sense due to their unlimited budget and their need for both offense and defense at first base. The Angels make sense too as they traded their starting first baseman Casey Kotchman to the Braves to get Teixeira during the season. But the Angels may be more interested in landing Sabathia than keeping Teixeira, and unlike the Yankees, they can't afford both.
The Red Sox are the wild card team in this sweepstakes. They have the money, but unlike the Yankees and Angels, they don't have the position open. Kevin Youkilis is the starting first baseman and he was a legitimate MVP candidate last season, finishing third for the award. Youkilis does have the flexibility to move over to third base, which is the position that he came up playing but the Red Sox have Mike Lowell there. Just last year Lowell was the World Series MVP, but in 2008 he struggled with injuries. He has two years remaining on his contract so if Teixeira were to sign with Boston that would signal the end of Lowell's time with the Red Sox. Thus, for Boston to sign Teixeira, they'd have to move their first baseman to third base and trade their third baseman. Seems like a lot to go through to fix something that wasn't a problem to begin with.

The other complicating factor is that the Red Sox have a minor league first baseman named Lars Anderson who has been compared to Teixeira. Anderson is 21 and ripped up the baseball up in AA last season. He isn't read for the major leagues yet, but he very well could be up and playing regularly in a year or two. Signing Teixeira to the long term deal he would want would effectively block Anderson and turn him into trade bate.

Regardless of all these roadblocks, the common media perception now seems to be that Teixeira will end up in Boston. No matter where these two sign, as soon as they do, you can forgo the barn arson and start watching the free agents sign on the dotted line.

Armen Tamzarian's Reign of Terror Is Over!

For the first time in their 10-year tenure together with the Eagles, Andy Reid has benched Donovan McNabb for poor performance. McNabb was 8 for 18 for 59 yards in the first half against Baltimore, with 2 INTs and a fumble, which led directly to all 10 of the Ravens' points. The Eagles' defense has played very well, but it's nearly impossible to defend 5-yard fields.

Is this the dawn of the Kevin Kolb era? Probably: With him in there, Reid is continuing to run his insanely ineffective "pass-only" offense. I suppose Reid wasn't comfortable with Kolb in there until Kolb was completely ready to helm his patented "Hit The Square Peg Harder" offense. With an inexperienced QB in there, you might have to -- gasp! -- run the ball.

And if indeed we've seen the last of Donovan in Philly: fare thee well, gentle friend. You've been the best quarterback we've ever had. Hopefully, in '09, you'll get to work with a coach who has some clue how to put you in a position to succeed.

Update: Bombs away! Reid keeps 'em chuckin', and now Kolb has thrown a pick. I can't fucking stand this team.

.

Five Up. Five Down.

After watching most of the teams in the league play at least once this year, I've decided to keep a starting lineup of NBA players that I love to watch play, and five I absolutely cheer for to blow a knee (not really, but you know what I mean). I'll rotate players in and out of my Fives during the season, and I won't highlight obvious guys like Kobe or CP3. That's way too easy.

Guys I Love:

1. Aaron Brooks (Rockets). This guy is the reincarnation of Tiny Archibald or John Lucas. He's a small, speed-burner who just has a knack for scoring, like that old wiry drunk guy on the playground who keeps throwing up junk, but it just keeps on going in, and before the ball's even through the net, his wolf-like eyes are already looking for a way to get the ball back so he can score again.

2. Vlad Radmonovic (Lakers): He's a spaceman and I'm sure he drives his team and Phil Jackson crazy, but I just love his snowboarder-looking aloofness and his gorgeous rainbow jumpers. When he's on, there isn't a prettier shot in the game.

3. Hedo Turkoglu (Magic): See #2, but his shot's not nearly as pretty.

4. Trevor Ariza (Lakers): A good UCLA guy. Extremely athletic and versatile and dogged defender. Great off the bench who stealthily makes a difference in the game.

5. Jose Calderon (Raptors): Anyone who turns and gives Garnett a piece of his mind in Boston is alright by me. (By the way, I was watching this live and Garnett was being a total douche. He pulled this garbage several times in a row down the court while the refs sat idly by and Tommy Heinsohn feverishly double-fisted his manhood.)


Five I Hate, so far:

1. Larry Hughes (Bulls): He's played 4 games this year and he wears a full length sleeved black skin-tight shirt under his jersey. He's due more than $25 million for the next 2 seasons. He's averaging 7 points per game. He is a turd sandwich.

2. Matt Barnes (Suns): Yes, he is a UCLA guy, and I should like him, but he just makes me nuts. He thinks he's an actual contributor for the Suns - hell, due to the total disintegration of Grant Hills's legs, Barnes is a starter. One of my favorite things to see is Barnes nail his first three of the game, cuz then I know he's gonna think he's "on" that night and his knuckle ball jumper will continue to skip off the rim all night long.

3. Drew Gooden (Bulls): His Neptune -looking beard is stupid. His game is dopey and he stinks.

4. Jerry Stackhouse (Mavericks): Contrary to Stack's opinion, he is 100% D-U-N. When he takes the court for the Mavs this year, I know he's just thinking, "Oh ya. It's Stack-time baby," as he jacks up one off-target jumper after another. He's turrble. If Dallas can get anything more than Sonic gift cards for him, I'll be stunned.

5. Brent Barry (Rockets): His flat-footed set shoot is way off the mark so far this year, but he keeps on gunning. Horrible.

This Just In - They're Playing Basketball!!

The first few weeks of the NBA season have flown by, and not a single word has bubbled to the surface of the Toooast soup. Well, after collecting the numerous napkins, backs of receipts, scraps of paper and various mental notes that I've scribbled on, it's time to break the NBA cherry and open the bball floodgates, and what better way to do so than a wild, random scatter shooting of observations on the haps of the L.

So, with the highly-anticipated first meeting of the Suns and Lakers this season going on in the background, awaaayyyy we go.....

One City's Loss is the Nation's Gain:

The loss of the Seattle Supersonics actually has had one massive positive impact on my NBA viewing experience: I now get to listen to my favorite TV play-by-play guy in the league, the GREAT Kevin Calabro, do national games on ESPN. He was the longtime voice of the hapless Sonics, and when it was announced the Sonics were moving to Mars, Calabro said he wouldn't move with the team. It went as far as him taking the job as the Seattle Sounders PXP guy (that's SOCCER!!). Well good golly, miss Molly, ESPN came to their senses and grabbed him by his golden throat and placed him in his rightful seat.

It is now the middle of the second quarter of the Suns-Lakers game, in Phoenix, and there is a more than noticeable cheer and "Oooh ahh" every time the Lakers score. Even the Suns fans themselves know that this is the Lakers' year.

Which brings us to this:

The Passing of the Torch:

Never has there been a season where the proverbial "changing of the guard" was as pronounced and obvious as it is this year. The Western Power Trio of Mavericks, Suns and Spurs have all passed their prime and descended closer to mediocrity than championships at the same time. The age and mileage on the Spurs stars and bench (Parker and Ginobili are already hurt), the lack of depth on the Suns, and the confusing hodgepodge of players and styles on the Mavs, have all been thrust to the forefront and it's painfully evident that none of these three teams appear likely to get past the first round of the playoffs this year.

Basketball is a young man's game, and this year, LeBron, Bynum, Paul, D-Will, the entire Hawks roster, Derrick Rose, Bosh, Granger, Stoudemire, Al Jefferson, Brandon Roy, Dwight Howard, Rudy Gay, Carmelo, D-Wade and Aldridge have politely shown Duncan, Shaq, Dirk, Nash, Iverson, Carter, T-Mac, Jermaine O'Neal and Kidd the door. It's their league now. The only player who can straddle the fence is Kobe, and KG to a certain extent (although his ridiculous antics lately have put him on my shit list). The new day is here.

(meanwhile, during tonight's game, the Lakers bigs are simply running past Shaq down the floor and the Big Fossil is looking so gassed that he can barely get off the floor and misses a point-blank layup. Case in point.)

Random stuff to file away:

-New Orleans losing Jannero Pargo to some team in the Russian Super League will end up hurting them in the long run this year.Pargo was a monster in the first round series last year when the Hornets eliminated the Mavericks. New Orleans doesn't have a backup point now, so look for Paul to show some wear on the tread by playoff time.

-The Clippers actually have Baron Davis, Ricky Davis and Tim Thomas on the SAME ROSTER. If you're talking NBA with friends, and someone says "Could you imagine having the three biggest head cases in the league on your team?", well now you can. Hell, I even saw the three of them on the floor at the same time a few games ago. When Cuttino Mobley is your stabilizing veteran, you are in a world of shit.

- Adam Morrison still really sucks, but he looks far less ridiculous doing so now with his head shaved. It's like he's just some no-name random white guy now and we've already forgotten the shaggy-haired "Ammo" from Gonzaga crying on the floor.

-The new NBA TV pre- and post-game shows BLOW AWAY the inanity of TNT's Inside the NBA. Barkley and Kenny Smith have grown intolerably lazy and stubborn and offer little but the most obvious observations. I almost feel sorry for Ernie while he tries to keep this rudder-less bus on the road.

(update: after the Lakers-Suns game, they actually rolled the fake footage of Kenny Smith trying to duplicate Kobe's jumping over the Aston Martin viral video, for, like, the billionth time. It still isn't funny.)

The NBA TV crew features a rotating cast of Eric Snow (who is more interesting than you might think), Chris Webber, Antonio Davis and Gary Payton, breaking down the nightly action and trends in the league. These guys are more recently retired and have firsthand experience with many of today's stars. While Barkley quotes Paul Silas and TNT rolls out yet another ridiculous, blathering John Thompson "serious" sit-down interview, the NBA TV guys break down film and offer insights in to the players thought processes. What a concept!

TNT- Very Finished.

The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboy Fan

[The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan appears following all Cowboy wins throughout the NFL season. As a periodic Cowboys fan (redundant?), The Overly-Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan will chronicle the ups and ignore the downs of the Dallas Cowboys season. His ignorance, hoot'n 'n holler'n, accidental and complete loss of dignity, large hat, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

Last Monday, the Dallas Cowboys won the tenth game of their season by a score of a 14-10 over the Washington Redskins. Their record currently stands at 6-4.

YEE HAW! I'LL TELL YA WHAT, DER AIN'T NO TEAM LIKE THE DALLAS COWBOYS! YEEEEAAAAWWWW!! TONY ROMO! DAT DER BE DA BEST QUATABACK IN DE NATIONAL FOOTBAWL LEEEG! DID YA SEE THAT CHICK HE'S DOIN? DAT DERS ONE HOT PIECE OF VAG! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'D PICK DAT DER CHICK UP 'N DO DA MOMMY 'N DADDY DANCE AGAINST THE HOOD AMA FIREBIRD!* DEN WE'D GO INTO MA MOBIL HOME, I'D COOK US UP SOME TV DINNERS (MMM, MMM, GOOD!) AND DEN WE'D DO IT LIKE DOGGIES BEHIND DA KITCHENETTE!!! I'D TEAR DAT DRESS OFFA HER AND LICK THOSE [deleted by network] AND SWALLOW ALL DAT SHIT!!

HOWBOUTDEMCOWBOYS!!?!?!?!?!?

[The Overly Opinionated Under-Informed Bandwagoning Cowboys Fan's opinions are his own and although they likely reflect the opinions of Cowboys fans as a whole, they do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, The National Football League, whose fabulous football games help make people happy. Remember, the Dallas Cowboys are wonderful, and you can follow just about all their games on national television pretty much every week. Yay!]

*could have also been Dodge Dart, Dodge Sprint, or Plymouth Reliant

NFL Notes: Redskins Shit Where They Eat, Eagles Kiss Sister

Eagles tie Bengals: Its been six years since there was a tie in the NFL, which means we've had six merciful years since we had to hear the old adage about making out with your sister. For those of you who somehow missed this, it goes thusly: a tie is like kissing your sister. The often unstated assumption is that kissing your sister is enjoyable and better than not kissing someone at all. But, she is your sister, so its kinda weird, and not as good as kissing someone who isn't your sister or a member of your immediate family, or a pet, or deceased.

If you ask me, the whole thing is more than a little disgusting (i.e. its disgusting). You rarely hear mainstream media types talk about incest, but for some (incredibly odd) reason the rare NFL tie is a time when airing odd sexual fetishes on air is not a problem. Is this statement so clever and hilarious as to warrant inclusion during all mentions of the game? Lets hope not.

Cowboys beat Redskins: For the second year in a row the Redskins had a chance to destroy the playoff hopes of a rival divisional opponent, and for the second year in a row they failed. Week three of last season brought a home game against the 0-2 New York Giants. Saying the Giants were in turmoil is putting it lightly. Calls for head coach Tom Coughlin's head, and not his firing, but his actual head, were prevalent in the media and the fan base. One more loss and Coughlin would have been strung up, drawn, quartered, and then fired, and the Giants season would have went down the tube.

The Redskins dominated the first half, and went into half time leading by something like 20-3 (I'm too lazy to look up the exact amount). Then they collapsed in the second half, blew the lead, and then blew two shots to tie from the 1 yard line at the end of the game. The Giants went on the win the Superbowl.

Last night the Redskins faced a Cowboys team in slightly less turmoil, but still reeling after losing two out of three without Tony Homo* at the helm. The Skins held the Cowboys to 14 points, but managed to hold themselves to 10 points. What would have effectively been a three game edge on the Cowboys with six games to go is now a tie. Shit.

*Not that there's anything wrong with that.

RIP FJM

Since the dawn of time, man has struggled to speak and write intelligently about sports. Many, indeed most, have failed spectacularly. Fire Joe Morgan.com not only pointed out the idiocy masquerading as serious sports journalism, but they did it in a way that was hilarious.

I'm a bit late to the party, but with the recent departure of FJM, I thought it would be appropriate to pay my respects. In that vein, here are ten things that I learned from reading Fire Joe Morgan:

1. VORP does not stand for Vagina Orangutan Retarded Poop

2. David Eckstein, despite containing over 120% ecksteinium, is not very good at baseball.

3. Sportswriters have an odd fascination with food metaphors.

4. Mose Schrute is the coolest.

5. Joe Morgan is an endless source of comedy and I will be sad if he leaves.

6. Red Sox fans aren't as bad as everyone says.

7. Made up words (Fremulon, Gallimaufry) can be hilarious.

8. Bill Plaschke

is

a

talentless

hack

9. There is apparently no intellectual requirement to write about sports for a major newspaper or media outlet.

10. Joe Morgan should absolutely be fired. Immediately. No questions asked.

Caps Crap, Vol. 1

With Wednesday's 5-1 annihilation of the Carolina Hurricanes* the Washington Capitals took over full possession of first place in the ultra-competitive media beehive that is the NHL's Southeastern Division (Motto: A-Rod Couldn't Hack It Here). The Caps are two points ahead of Carolina (question I've always wanted to ask: which one?) with a game in one hand and a big ol' belt in the other. And because of the semi-lucid playoff ordering that the NHL adheres to, although they are tied for fifth in the conference, they are third in the conference. Sayeth the Plaschke Paragraph:

Genius!

The Caps beat the Canes in DC on two goals by Your NHL Scoring Leader, Alexander Semin, with two minutes left to play one week ago. Wednesday was the rematch, with the teams both tied for first at 18 points. The game was in Carolina (again, where is that exactly?) and the Caps played their best 60 minutes of hockey this season.

Sure, there are bigger fish to fry than the Canes (Crosby?), but that can be saved for later.

One thing that held the Caps back last season, at least somewhat, was a very slow start. The Caps were hoping to make the playoffs, but were garbage about one third of the way through the season. They fired their coach, and brought in the NHL equivalent of Lou Brown to coach. From there they went on a bikini removing streak to just sneak into the playoffs where they got bounced by the Philadelphia Phukers in Phseven Phgames. This season with a 9-4 start and the lead in the Southeast Division, that kind of chicanery, shenanigans, and/or ballyhoo won't be necessary.

__
*Is there a more insensitive name in pro sports that does not relate to Native Americans**? How about the New Orleans Flood? Or the Oklahoma Locust Plague? Or the Los Angeles Plastic Surgery Complications? Team names are supposed to relate to a positive part of an area, not a potential life threatening risk to living there.

**By which I mean Mormons.

And now, a Special Redskins Comment

I now hate the Redskins. It's official. At 3:45 pm CST, Friday, November 7, 2008, the Redskins died for me.

As I pored over some news headlines, the followong line lept off the page and ignited mine eyes with a burning pain and skull-melting sensation I had not felt since the Sean Avery debacle. This news, like the Avery signing, will serve to destroy the season of my team and render them, for lack of a better term, completely impotent and a national disgrace.

"Redskins sign former Raiders CB Hall."

And thus, what had previously looked like a heartwarming season - a season of surprising development of a young quarterback; a season of league dominance by a running back who defies categorization and shuns tackles with equal aplomb; and the presence of a coach who has clearly grabbed a community by the scruff and caused them to once again have pride in their Redskins - is washed down the drain in a move that would make Jerry Jones proud.*

It is all gone now. Gone in the flash of a pen and a misguided phone call.

And for what? For a cornerback whose mouth and ignoble behavior far exceed his production on the field, where it actually matters.

The Associated Press has described him thusly, and I quote, "In his eight games in Oakland, Hall was beaten 40 times for 552 yards on 66 passes thrown his way, according to data compiled by STATS. He gave up more yards than any defender this season and was tied for third worst in catches allowed."

Mr. Snyder, sir, how can you now look at your ticket holders, many of whom held this year's team in higher regard than they could have hoped, and tell them honestly that their team is now better?

Mr. Snyder, sir, we ask you - no, we IMPLORE you, - to correct this dishonorable deed and return our once proud team to the noble post it so recently held. DeAngelo Hall does not belong here.

Please sir, for once, do what is right. Not only for current fans, but for their children and the legions of potential Redskins fans that may or may not succeed them.

Think of the children, sir. The choice is yours.

*I was 100% sure that Hall would end up in Dallas. He HAD to. It would've been perfect!

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Nine

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

Last Monday, the Washington Redskins lost the ninth game of their season to the Pittsburgh Shitfucks by a score of a billion to negative a billion. Their record currently stands at 6-3.

THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THAT WAS THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS ON THAT SHITHOLE OF A FIELD ON MONDAY FUCKING NIGHT! NO FUCKING WAY! IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE LEFT OVER TURD FROM A GEIGH-ASAURAS OR A BUNCH OF DUMB FUCKING FRAT BITCHES LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO RUN BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM AND CARESS EACH OTHERS EAGER QUIVERING GENITALS!

WHAT I'M SAYING: WE'RE FUCKING DOOMED! DOOMED, GODDAMMIT! CAN NOBODY FUCKING PLAY THIS STUPID GAME? MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST CHANGE THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS FROM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM TO A KNITTING CLUB! EVERYONE CAN SIT AROUND ON SUNDAY AFTERNOONS, KNIT SOME FUCKING BABY CLOTHES AND TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING PROBLEMS WITH THEIR FUCKING VAGINAS! HOW ARE YOUR FUCKING VAGINAS, FUCKHEADS?! HUH?!??!

AND CARLOS FUCKING ROGERS! WHAT THE FUCK? I GUESS I CAN'T GET MAD AT DUDE FOR DROPPING WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HIS SIXTH INTERCEPTION OF THE SEASON, ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING THAT OPERATION TO REPLACE HIS HANDS WITH USED TAMPONS! WAIT! HE NEVER HAD THAT OPERATION? THEN WHAT THE FUCK!! GODDAMMIT!!! ROGERS COULDN'T CATCH A FOOTBALL IF YOU STAPLED IT TO HIS FUCKING FACE! (NOTE TO OPPOSING QBS: PLEASE STAPLE THE FOOTBALL TO CARLOS ROGERS' FUCKING FACE.)

THANK GOD FOR FUCKING BYE WEEKS! I'M GOING TO DALLAS TO DRINK HEAVILY.. HOLY SHIT!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Shit Eaters Anonymous, whose fabulous programs help make people happy. Remember people, don't eat that yummy yummy yummy shit you found on the ground! No! Don't... mmmmmm..yumyumyumyumyum.]

Cowboys Broadcasters: "Move Along, There's Nothing to See Here..."

Cowboys vs. Giants, Sunday, Nov. 1: Cowboys' first offensive possession of the second half. Brooks Bollinger has just replaced the horrifically ineffective Brad Johnson. I'm in the car with my wife* at Dunkin Donuts getting some coffee and we're listening to the game on the Cowboys' Dallas flagship station, KDBN.

"Bollinger back to pass... he pumps... intercepted."

What? What the jolly turds just happened?

With the benefit of televised highlights I would view later, I now know Bollinger threw a half-speed, side-armed goatball directly to a Giants defender over the middle. It was possibly the most hilariously poor pass in the history of the NFL that was not thrown by (1) Aaron Brooks, (2) Jake Plummer, or (3) Garo Yepremian.

*Just wait a couple days, will ya. We got our license...

With the score 21-7 Giants, we arrive at the jewelry store to pick up our wedding bands. About 10 minutes later we return to the car for an approximate 30-minute drive home, and just as we start the car, the Cowboys offense has just taken possession and Bollinger is about to throw his second-ever pass in a Cowboys uniform.

"Bollinger back to pass... Looking... mmffllldd."

Oh, I recognize that call -- it's another interception! At this point I start laughing uncontrollably -- the legendary, iconic Cowboys broadcaster Brad Sham is literally refusing to describe this game!

Shortly I realize I haven't heard the score of the game since leaving the jewelry store, and I'm wondering if it's still 21-7. The game goes to a commercial break and returns, and Sham still hasn't read the score. We're now two thirds of the way home, the Giants are plowing down the field, and I still don't know the score.

Brandon Jacobs takes a handoff and bowls through the Cowboys front seven, and Sham describes his forage through the secondary so halfheartedly that I don't even know how far Jacobs has run -- I'm hoping he's gone in for a touchdown, if only because Sham might be compelled to tell us the score then.

The Cowboys pitiful defense recedes over the goal line a couple plays later and Sham is finally compelled to read the score: It's 35-7 Giants now.

Ah, but the Cow Homer hijinks are only just starting!

By the time we arrived home, the producer of the broadcast had joined Sham in trying to pretend this massacre wasn't actually transpiring. Two separate times, a commercial was broadcast during the game action. Mind you, not during the broadcast -- during the game. Like, you can hear pads crashing together and the crowd cheering and the ref's whistle blowing in the background, while in the foreground you're hearing a commercial for some godforsaken mortgage lender.*

And remember, we were listening to the Cowboys' flagship station in Dallas, not some 7000-watt outfit broadcasting out of a shack in Gun Barrel City. (Peep Gun Barrel City's gaybasher-sabotaged wiki page here.)

*The housing market is still widely intact in Texas. "Because Texans are stupid and hate black people" isn't the only reason this state will vote Republican today.

Look, I know broadcasters are retained and paid by the teams whose games they broadcast, but they have some semblance of responsiblity to inform the listeners what's happening in the game, even if their team is getting pummeled to teensy weensy pieces. Especially with the advent of satellite radio, plenty of people are listening to these games because they simply want to listen to a football game, not because they've accepted the Dallas Cowboys as their own personal savior and can't possibly cope with the prospect that they might lose.

Over two years ago Snizza first pointed out to me that Sham has a tendency to, shall we say, grossly neglect his job responsibilities when things aren't going well for the Cowboys. But with a 13-4 season last year, and being out of town for two of the losses and watching the other two on TV, I didn't happen to catch any evidence of it.

Well, I finally got a good gander at it on Sunday, and it's preposterously bush-league. I know it's hard to imagine, but Dallas Cowboys, Inc., has proven to be even more shit-filled than I had imagined before I moved here.

He's got an appropriate name, a face for radio, and Parcells-caliber man-boobs. And now he gots Tha Nutz.


Just go ahead and put 'em in your mouth, Sham. You're going to have a lot more Dallas Cowboys football to refuse to describe this season.

.

2008 World Series Memorabilia: Guaranteed Delivery by the 2009 World Series!

A day or two after the Fightins clinched the 2008 World* Championship, my sister emailed me from suburban Philly to ask whether she might pick up some memorabilia and bring it to me this weekend, when she'll be traveling here for my wedding. "Nah, no need to do that -- I can get everything online," I replied, and set upon the Interwebs to purchase some overpriced gear to remind everyone how awesome my team is.

*Cuba didn't have a say in this, did they?

First, I visited Eastbay. I purchase things from Eastbay regularly and am consistently satisfied with my experiences. To my disappointment -- but not necessarily surprise -- virtually every Phillies World Championship/World Series product was out of stock. Way more fans than expected showed up at the victory parade, so I guess more people than expected were buying merch.

On to the source, mlb.com. There, I was able to find* everything I wanted, and I sprung an extra $10 for express delivery so I'd have my gear by the time people started arriving for the wedding.

The next day, I received an email from mlb.com claiming that the products I'd ordered were "not available for processing" and that I'd get them... whenever that occurred. And I'd still pay the extra $10 for rush delivery that is no longer of any use to me.

*By "find" I mean "add to my virtual cart and pay for."

So here I am, of a mind to express my appreciation for Eastbay for not allowing me to pay for products they don't actually have.

The same can't be said for mlb.com -- I'll slot them in second on the list of things that contaminated my enjoyment of the Phils' championship run, right between Joe Nutz and hangovers.

---------------------------
mlb.com has now made available World Champion edition bobbleheads, the appearance of one of which chaps my arse to a much greater extent than it probably should.





























Notice anything sub-kosher there? (I mean, other than the fact that it looks nothing like Shane Victorino?)

What's Victorino's most distinguishing physical characteristic as a baseball player? He's one of a very few players who wears a double-flap batting helmet. How could they miss something that obvious? Would any Phillies fan not notice this?

.

Hold me once the drugs are done...

I feel like flying.

I just discovered Lil Wayne's sports blog on espn.com. It's not nearly as crazy random as the xanax-fueled lyrics of "I Feel Like Dying" (his most underrated tune by far) but I felt the need to spread a few of his nuggets around. I don't have his tats or marble-mouthed delivery, but I do agree with a few of his razor-sharp analyses.

So, Mr. Wayne, sir, the World Series just ended last week...

Gotta give a shoutout to the Fighting Phillies before we move on. Cole Hamels, you the man. You shut them batters down. I don't know what happened to the Rays starting pitchers. It seemed like in every inning they couldn't get past the first two hitters. Evan Longoria missed that series.

What more do you need?

Hey Lil, how 'bout some NBA juice?

Greg Oden is a bust. He's gotta show me something, man. I don't get it. At what point in time was he dominant? I've never seen it. You've never seen it. Maybe NBA officials know something we don't. That's all I can figure. Maybe somebody on that staff has seen something we haven't. But until he shows me something, I'm gonna declare him a bust. Damn shame, too.
Damn. Harsh. But Mr. Carter tells it like it iz.

Hey Wayne, you watch football right? What'cha know?

T.O. still looks like he's about to cry. It's getting ugly in Dallas, man. They're in last place now in their division? This is a disaster.

Hell ya!

Man, you do watch a lot of sports. What if none of your 10 TVs on your bus or plane have any football or NBA on?

If there isn't a college football game or an NBA game, right now I'd watch hockey. I'd watch hockey over an awards show*.

My man!

*An "awards show?" Pussy.

Its The Season Of Idiots And Jon Heyman Is Ringleader

Tis the season for change. Both candidates are for it. The American people, who are of one mind on just about all issues, are for it as well. Heck, even I'm for it, and I'm not for anything. Still, there are some things that aren't going to change, even if we'd like them too.

Take free agency rumors. Please!*

The time after the World Series ends and before free agency begins could be known as The Time That Time Forgot. Its filled with endless repetition upon repetition of rumors, many of them making very little sense. Like this one. Or this one. Or this one.

Sure, that team would trade its starting center fielder for a third starting shortstop. Oh, absolutely that starting pitcher will turn down upwards of 100 million dollars because he just fell in love with Milwaukee. And of course that Scott Boras client will assuredly place loyalty above all else.

The one writer who will write any rumor, including all of the above, is Sports Illustrated writer and admitted stats hater Jon Heyman. When it comes to rumors about any major league player joining any team in any potential trade or signing, Heyman has no compunction about throwing it into a column.

Scott Boras is looking for a 4 year $80 million deal from Boston to keep Varitek? Sure, sounds rational to Heyman. The Yankees will sign every free agent starting pitcher on the market for what comes out to be roughly $550 million? Why not?

So, whats the moral to the story? "Don't listen to anything Jon Heyman writes because his brain consists of actual diarrhea." should cut it.

*Ha!
*Also he's about as uninformed about the game as any writer I've ever come across. This is probably too much to quote verbatim from another blog, but I'll do it anyway. The always excellent Aaron Gleeman had the below to say regarding a couple of Heyman columns back in late August of 2007 and I think it perfectly encapsulates far better than I am able to why Heyman is a moron (not that Gleeman would ever resort to such language; but then he can write and I have no such excuse):

"SI.com's Jon Heyman, who got my dander up earlier this season for some questionable reporting about Johan Santana, recently wrote the following in response to a question about considering stats like Value Over Replacement Player or Runs Created in a discussion of MVP candidates:

I am more interested in "wins created" than runs created. And the day I consider VORP is the day I get out of the business. The idea of the MVP is to honor the player who has had the biggest positive impact on the pennant races.

A popular sentiment among veteran sportswriters when something like VORP gets brought up is to say, "I have no idea what that is, but I'd never pay attention to it." That stance has always fascinated me, because it's essentially bragging about being ignorant and trying to impress people by your lack of an open mind. Heyman isn't quite at that level with the above comments, but it still reveals plenty about his personality and analytical ability. It also makes me (and Neshek!) less likely to value his opinion."

Yay! My Skins Lost Last Night!

As I watched the Redskins piss away the game last night and saw the Steelers squeeze the life out of them, I got frustrated and eventually turned off the game and switched to last minute election coverage. It wasn't until this morning that I remembered that last night's loss was a actually a good thing for the country. The Skins were merely doing their part to get Barack Obama elected.

For 16 of the past 17 presidential elections, dating back to 1936, the result of the Skins' last home game before Election Day revealed the eventual winner. If the Skins lost that game, there would be a change in the party that governed the country.*

With the Steelers' 23-6 strangling of Washington last night, the likelihood of a Barack Obama victory rose to roughly 94%.

Nice job Skins! Way to take one for the team!! You will be rewarded for this down the line!

*Ironically, it had been 16 correct predictions in a row and this string was broken in 2004 when the Redskins lost to Green Bay, yet George Bush won re-election...or did he?

Ka-Blam! A.I. a Piston!!??

I feel like an ass. I haven't even finished my NBA season predictions column yet, but there's no way I couldn't break my 08-09 NBA cherry right now. I just got back from lunch, and as my home page loads, this nucular bomb (thank you Gov. Palin) of a headline smacks me between the eyes:

Pistons Acquire Iverson From Nuggets.

Wha!! Wha???

It's the second game of the season for most teams, not the frenetic trade deadline. There's no way ANYONE saw this coming!

The Nuggets got rid of all of their so-called "defenders" over the summer (Najera, Camby) and were left with a roster of Iverson, Carmelo and 10 guys named Moe. So who does Denver get in return for A.I.?

Chauncey B-B-B-Billups and Antonio McDyess. Two major, major contributors to the ongoing success of the Pistons - a team that has been to the Eastern Conference Finals for 6 straight years.

My initial feelings on this is that the Pistons are cooked. They don't have a steadying point guard anymore - Rodney Stuckey is more a scorer than a set-up guy - and McDyess was a consistent face-up jump shooter who drew power forwards away from the basket. The East just lost a contender, but they do clear up an assload of salary for next year with this (Iverson's $20.8 million this year plus around $40 million from Billups' remaining deal and whatever McDyess' recent extension is worth).

What did Iverson do for the Nuggets the past two years? I mean, he scored like we expected, but the team was none the better for it. Now Denver has Colorado's own Billups in the fold, and he will be the best point guard that team has ever had. They are now a borderline playoff team. Before this trade, they were lottery fodder.

Short-term advantage: Nuggets.

The Avery Corollary Festers Uncontrollably

The Palin Curse is real. Ask Flyers fans. Ask Blues fans. Ask John McCain. Ask Olbermann.

Howevuh, it eventually runs its course and moves on to the infect the next team. The Sean Avery Corollary does not. In fact, it absolutely CAN not as Senor Avery was given a freaking NO TRADE clause. AND paid $15.5 million for 4 years for this cancer. We at Tooast!!! went ballistic when the Stars signed him over the summer. Several times.

As the season started, the Stars opened with several lackluster efforts and Avery didn't appear to be having an overly negative effect on the room. I told the Stars fans around me that I would give the team 12 games before I reacted.

It has now been 12 games and I'm not alone when it comes to feeling that its time for reactions. The team is playing like a bunch of clinically retarded monkeys looking for a puck ta fuck. They have FOUR fucking wins. And that's not even the worst of their stats. Check these sterling bullet points:

-They have given up 50 goals. F-I-F-T-Y. That is exactly twice as much as the division leading Sharks have surrendered, and last in the entire Western Conference BY FAR.

-The only reason they're not buried in last place in the division is because they've played more games than any of the other teams.

-Marty Turco has a GAA of 4.34 and a save % of .837. I have honestly never seen a save percentage this low by a warm-blooded organism that calls itself a goalie. These are numbers that Turco has never even sniffed before. The name "Turco, Marty" actually does not appear in the Top 30 on NHL.com in either of these categories. Think about that.

-Sean Avery is 2nd in the entire league in PIM, and running mate Steve Ott is 9th, and he's only played SEVEN games.

Clearly, this team has lost its way, and after last night's ridiculous performance against Boston - yet another 5-1 loss - the team's frustration finally spilled over.

From the Dallas Morning News Stars blog:

Here's Mike Modano after the penalty filled game in which Steve Ott and Sean Avery were jawing with officials and fans:
``Tonight, it was idiotic and stupid,'' Stars center Mike Modano said when asked what the team identity was. ``It was one of the most embarrassing things I've seen. If that's what we're going for, then they need to find me an office job.''
``It was dumb penalties, dumb situations, that's kind of been the trend all season,'' Modano said. ``There's no mental toughness. We're allowing the refs to get involved in the game with and spending more energy on them than the details of winning the game.''
It will be interesting to see the conversation Modano has with good buddy Brett Hull, who engineered the Avery signing in the summer.

Modano is clearly embarrassed with the character and reputation of his team. I am too. It is hard to even give a rip about a team that plays with such a lack of cohesion or purpose, and that tries to cover for it with a bunch of junior hockey level goon tactics.

Turco is a mess as well, but offered these comments:

`` From my perspective, it just seems like all of the time I've got guys trying to be goalies, going after pucks,'' Turco said after allowing five goals on 24 shots to the Boston Bruins. ``We need guys to take men and give us the lanes to see. It's getting old, and it's disheartening. I don't know if it's pressing and the need to feel they need to do everything out there. It just doesn't work, it's a team game and we need to play like a team.''

Obviously Avery's presence isn't the sole cause of all of these problems, and ironically, he's been one of the only goal scorers lately, but I submit that the amount of attention and influence that he brings to this previously low-key team has turned this whole thing upside-down.

And there's not a single thing they can do to change it, thanks to that ridiculous contract. Happy 12th seed guys.

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Eight

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

Last Sunday, the Washington Redskins won the eighth game of their season against the Detroit Lions by a score of 25-17. Their record currently stands at 6-2.

SIX AND TWO? SIX AND FUCKING TWO? FUCKING SIX AND FUCKING TWO? HOLY SHIT! I HAVEN'T SEEN A REDSKINS TEAM THIS GOOD SINCE I WAS LEARNING ABOUT MY SEXUALITY WITH THE VACUUM CLEANER! DETROIT LIONS: FRENCH FOR 'ROAD FUCKING KILL!' THE LIONS HAD AS MUCH OF A CHANCE IN THIS GAME AS I DO WITH MY PARISH PRIEST!... wait... bad example. THE LIONS HAD AS MUCH OF A SHOT IN THIS GAME AS I DO TO SURVIVE FOR MONTHS OFF NOTHING BUT THE MUNG UNDERNEATH THE REFRIGERATOR!... wait... bad example. MOVING ON: DON ORLOVESKY? I THINK I SAW THIS FUCKING GUY ASKING "CREAM AND SUGAR?" AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD PORNO THEATER! HE'D GET MORE SPIRAL ON THE BALL IF HE THREW IT SIDE-ARMED FROM HIS ASSHOLE!* THE LIONS ARE THE DEFENSIVE EQUIVALENT OF A WHORE'S VAGINA!

NEXT WEEK THE STEELERS SHOW UP IN RALJOHN TO BE REPEATEDLY RAMMED BY 90,000 PLUS DONGS! ONE AT A TIME, PEOPLE, GODDAMMIT!

*may not technically make sense.

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, John McCain For President, whose fabulous policies help make people happy. Don't forget to vote! Black people on November 3rd and White people on November 4th!]