YES! Oh God Yes!

Much like his predecessor Mike Nolan, current 49ers head coach Mike Singletary will certainly be fired soon. It is the fate of all head coaches when their team is simply not very good. You can scheme it up, coach 'em up, and X's 'n O's 'em to death, but if you don't have the talent there isn't much you can do except, well, this:

A team spokesman today confirmed a report by Arizona radio's Mike Jurecki that Singletary dropped his pants in front of his team at halftime. "He was just dramatizing how embarrassing it was," 49ers director of public relations Aaron Salkin.

I don't think I can stress enough how wonderful this is. This also explains the strange thought that I awoke with this morning: Every time Mike Singletary drops his pants at halftime an angel gets its wings.

Live From 7th Concentric Circle Of Hell: Phillies Win World Series!

Moments after Brad Lidge recorded the last out of the 2008 World Series and the Phillies were out dogpiling on the pitchers mound, my wife and I turned the sound off on our TV and just listened.

At first there was nothing. I looked at her, thinking, well, this isn't so... but before I could even finish the thought the first of what so far have been roughly 41,000,000 car horns went off. This was soon followed by fireworks, swearing, explosions, yelling, screaming, random high-fives, swearing, people hanging out of 4th floor windows and swearing, accidental defecation, chanting, chanting swear words, chanting swear words from a 4th floor window, far more honking, still more swearing, and man nipples.

It was all too much to ignore, so I went outside to brave the streets of Philadelphia, my home, in attempt to record some of the action for posterity. The following are the worst pictures ever published on this series of tubes called the dubya dubya dubya.


This guy was, and is as I write this, standing in traffic and high-fiving passing motorists. He was/is quite excited.


Unfortunately, this picture doesn't do justice to the 28 Hispanics, all in the same truck, who were yelling and waiving Phillies-related items out the windows. One of them saw me with my camera and waived his huge Phillies flag at me. Hey, you can almost tell its a Phillies flag, right?

Look closely and you'll see a boat on the high seas. Actually, no, you'll see a bunch of drunken Phillies fans waiving stuff out of the window of an on-coming car. WHOO HOO!!! HONK HONK HONK!! Are you sensing a theme here?


Look everyone! Surprise! More drunken, fist-waiving, yelling Phillies fans.

Apologies for the shoddy quality of these here pictures. I'm hoping they capture some sense of what its like out on the streets of Philly tonight. As I write these words its 11:04pm EST and I can still hear honking and yelling in the streets.

Oh, and if you are wondering where all this stuff is, the pictures were taken at 2nd and Poplar streets in the Northern Liberties neighborhood of Philadelphia, a few blocks from my apartment.

Crowds of people have assembled on street corners to waive things at passing cars. This is how we celebrate a world championship.


The guy in the very center of this picture that is too dark to see is carrying a base drum. The gentleman next to him has a cowbell. Together they are making beautiful rhythmic music for which all neighbors within earshot must be thankful. Recall that these pictures were taken roughly 1/2 hour since the Phillies won. And dude has a frick'n base drum. No, I don't know how.

On a personal note, I'd like to offer a heartfelt congratulations to BMFS, Brian, and Tommy, my Phillies fan friends who have lived and died with this team since I've known them all. They all deserve this and I couldn't be happier for them.

NO SLEEP FOR THE WEARY!! GO PHILLIES!! BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

The 2008 World Series Champions... Your Philadelphia Phillies

Bedlam in the city streets.

I put a ring on my baby girl finger.

We got a winner, boys.

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Game 5: You killed Uncle Freddy? You mutha*%&$*@#!

Commissioner Bud, he of the cancelled World Series and fabled All Star Game tie, added another proverbial feather to his non-proverbial feathered birdman underroos last night. After insisting on beginning Game 5 of the World Series despite what can only be described as hypothermia-inducing conditions forecast for the entire evening, Ol' Bud was finally forced to "suspend" the game in the middle of the sixth inning with the score tied at 2. Suspend the game? Yup, just like frigg'n little league. Nobody wins, everybody loses. NEXT!

No special regulations govern what happens when a World Series game has to be called because of weather. Under what I'll call 'the rules' because that's what they are, as the sixth inning was not completed, the game should revert back to the end of the fifth inning. Five innings is an official game, and with the score 2-1, Philadelphia, according to those pesky rules, the game is over with the Phillies winning, making them the World Series Champions.

To the Phillies enduring credit, they aren't making this argument. Fortunately for Ol' Bud too, because the Phillies would be on ground more solid than the field they were forced to play on last night. I agree it makes perfect sense to require that all World Series games go a full nine innings. It's a rational decision that keeps the best interests of baseball at heart. The problem is that nobody thought of nor planned for it beforehand. What if a World Series game gets rained out? Shouldn't we make this clear before the game starts? These are simple questions that should have been answered minimally 24 hours ago.

One thing you can't do, even in Little League, is make up rules as you go along. Its unfortunate that the weather was so bad last night (and that it hasn't improved at all today). But unfortunate isn't a real problem. Incompetence is.

*and hilarious!

"Win together today, and we walk together forever"

That quote, from legendary late Flyers coach Fred Shero, dates from the 1974 Stanley Cup Finals, when the Orange & Black won their first championship. And 34 years later, the prediction has been borne out -- I promise you there will be at least a few elder statesmen in Citizens Bank Park tonight who can name every player on the '74 Flyers roster.*

*I can probably give you at least half of 'em, and I hadn't even been born yet.

Which brings us to tonight. Win together today, and we walk together forever.

Win a championship in Philadelphia, and you become legendary. People still talk about Andrew Toney there, and he lives three caves over from J.D. Salinger.

Cubs fan malaise is about the Cubs -- about a third of baseball fans in Chicago don't even like the Cubs. Red Sox fan malaise pre-2004 was about the Red Sox -- New Englanders had 16 NBA Championship banners upon which to dry their tears. Phillies fan malaise is about Philadelphia -- that's what makes Philly sports unique.

When the Sixers made the NBA Finals in 2001 against the heavily favored Lakers, I worked in Old City -- across from Independence Hall -- and lived in South Philly. During that playoff run, I would walk 12 blocks home after work every day and invariably drift through a half-dozen conversations about the Sixers -- from executives in Center City through loafers on South Street through people sitting on their stoops in Bella Vista to kids running around on the streets across from the Southwark Housing Project. Black and white, young and old, die-hard and newcomer -- All Sixers, All The Time.

That's gotta be what it's like there now. It's probably even more pervasive, as the baseball season has the spotlight all to itself all summer. I wish I was there.

Of course, any Philadelphia sports fan knows not to presume things.* Even as great as Cole Hamels is -- his mental makeup is maybe the only thing better than his stuff -- he could be hit in the pitching elbow by a line drive off the bat of the first hitter of the game. So at good as it looks, it's not over yet.

*It's a rare occurrence, but sometimes we drink the Kool-Aid. The last time we really, honestly expected a Philly sports team to win was in the 2002-'03 NFL Playoffs, about which a Philly sports columnist wrote, "Do you really think the Eagles could lose the last-ever game at Veterans Stadium against Tampa Bay [long the Eagles' punching bag in the NFC playoffs] for a chance to play in the Super Bowl?" Our answer was a resounding, "No, I don't think they could lose that game at all. In fact, I wholly expect a win." Well, you know what happened -- they were annihilated.

I don't even know which way is up right now. And I really can't believe the Phillies have an opportunity to clinch a championship in front of the hometown partisans. And if it happens, it'll be wholly appropriate. Unlike in most any other town, a Phillies championship would be for the city.

Lacing up my Shawn Carters with the pinstriped lining...

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Who Should Do the Historic Anthem?

Last night, Philadelphia's beloved daughter Patti LaBelle performed what BMFS termed an "interminable" version of The Star-Spangled Banner before game 4 of the World Series. LaBelle's version was passionate and somewhat soulful, but did incorporate a little too much vocal gymnastics, and for someone who's pants were already around his ankles and Phillies Sean Carters were all laced up tight ready to trounce on all things Rays, the anthem must've been torture. "Start the fucking game already!!!! My fucked up chili is getting cold!!!"

So now, with LaBelle having used her one start for the series, which Philly native should the Phillies run out to do the anthem in what could be the deciding game in their first World Series win in 6,000,000 years?

Let's run through the possibilities:

-Fabian - nah. The kids wouldn't get it.

-Frankie Avalon? Hmmm...he was alive during their last World Series win, but once again, it wouldn't appeal to da kidz.

-Bill Haley? - sorry, very dead.

-The Delfonics? I like it. They could do "Ready or Not, Here I Come" instead of the anthem, as in, "Here comes the title!" But once again, other than some old dominos players and hardcore Jackie Brown fans, they don't appeal to enough people.

-The Spinners? They're from Detroit, douchebag!

-Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes? - Melvin's dead.

-Teddy Pendergrass? Despite thinking otherwise, he actually is still alive. But he is paralyzed and not performing anymore.

-Schooly D? Hell to the mutha-fuckin Ya! Lookin at my Gucci, it's about that time - for the Phillies to win a title! Aqua Teen Hunger Force devotees would phreak, but he would fly right over everyone's head in the crowd.

-Jimmy Smith? The most famous jazz organist in history would definitely be cool. But, alas, Mr. Smith is toooast.

-McCoy Tyner and Stanley Clarke? I would shit myself if they rolled this out there. I'd probably have to turn the TV off when they finished as the game would be hopelessly inferior.

-Freeway & Beanie Siegel? Fuck that. They're just Jay Z hangers-on.

Now for the Philly Phinalists:

-The Roots. Carrying the torch of real bands in hip hop, I'm sure they could kill an instrumental version of the anthem, but white-ass Fox don't want that.

-The O'Jays. Most of the members are still alive, and you know they could do the tune justice.

HOWEVUH! Here is my Final Two:

My runner-up.........

-Hall & Oates! They were fantastic at halftime of the NBA All Star game in Philly and SNL recently mocked them doing a McCain vs Obama tune. They would be more than outstanding, and I would whole-heartedly endorse them if not for......

the winner!

JILLY FROM PHILLY! With a nickname like that, how do you NOT get to do this once-in-a-lifetime* World Series champion version of the anthem? Jill Scott would take Patti LaBelle's soul and add modern street cred and grit to it. No doubt she would, to use a baseball analogy, knock it out of the park.

*You don't actually think the Phillies will win it again in this geologic era, do you?

**Yes, I left Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince off. As if they have the chops to even attempt this.

One Game Away

With last night's win by the Phillies, I figure we are one game away from this:

World Series Update: Now A Best Of Five

We at TOOOAST!!! are doing our damnedest to keep you up to date on World Series CVI: This Time It's Extra Geigh. You may have noticed the most sexcellent live blogging by our own BMFS. In the interest of piling on I'd like to offer a slightly more dispassionate look at the remains of this series.

After Thursday night's slug-fest in the Slugdome (seriously, how much shit does that place suck? I submit it is not possible to suck the necessary tonnage through an extra wide straw), the World Series is now a best of five with Your Philadelphia Phillies having home field advantage over Your Tampa Reyes Rays. The next three games will be played here, a mere 40 blocks or so from the home of your humble author. Yes, you really can see my house from there. Well, almost.

To me the distinguishing difference between these two teams as they stand now (i.e. not necessarily the way they played in the regular season) is the depth of the Rays starting pitching. BMFS makes that point here, albeit in a Phillies-centric way (props to you, bro). The remaining pitching match-ups, baring Brett Myer's wife repeatedly smashing her face into his fist again, look thusly:

Game 3: Matt "Anyone around here seen a spittoon?" Garza v. Jamie Moyer
Game 4: Andy Sonnanstine v. Joe Blanton
Game 5: Scott Kasmir v. Cole Hamels
Game 6: Brett Myers v. James Sheilds
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Looking that over, there is only one game in which the Phillies have an advantage, though if you want to be generous you could say that Game 6 looks even enough. This, my friends, is why everyone picked the Rays to win this series. Nobody questions that the Phillies are the better team when Hamels is on the mound, its just that the Rays have the advantage with any other starting pitcher. That makes it difficult to win.

But, not impossible. Something that is routinely ignored is that anything is possible in a short series. If this series featured the Rays against the Washington Nationals and you played it 100 times, there would be times when the Nationals, the worst team in baseball, would win. Many times, in fact. Thats just the way baseball, and sports, work. Sometimes the best team doesn't win. Which isn't to say the Phillies aren't the best team. Its certainly debatable, much like who is better, Pidgie or Grover? (Well, Grover hates me, but I still like him. Take that, Grover!)

In any case, I'm not solving anything with this rambling. Lets close this mf'er up. Like in the first two games, the next five will be decided for the most part by the starting pitchers. The Rays have an advantage in this area on paper, but as the increasingly annoying Kenny Mayne says, games aren't played on paper, they're played inside television sets.

**Yes, that is a picture of Ryan Howard.

Blues to Flyers: Here, Lemme Take That Palin Curse off Your Hands

As you may recall, Republican Vice-Presidential mannequin Sarah Palin performed the ceremonial puck-drop at the Philadelphia Flyers' home opener. The Flyers then went on to cough up four goals in the first period against the Rangers, lost that game, and then lost their next five games, in the process becoming the last winless team in the NHL a season after reaching the conference finals.

The possibility of a "Palin Curse" was broached by lefty watchdog Keith Olbermann on MSNBC the other night, and tonight the theory gained some considerable traction.

The St. Louis Blues retained Palin to perform the same ceremonial act before their game tonight against the bottom-feeding Los Angeles Kings, and not only are they currently trailing 2-0 after two periods to a team that hasn't had credible goaltending since the last time the Phillies were in a World Series, but starting goaltender Manny Legacy tripped coming onto the ice before the ceremony and injured his knee.

(It's now 3-0 early in the third.)

Kings broadcasters Bob Miller and Jim Fox have speculated that the condition of the ice in preparation for Palin's red carpet may have contributed to the freak accident, but I've heard nothing beyond said speculation at this point. Nonetheless, it's a freak injury on the night of Palin's fête in St. Louis, compounded by a probable loss to a lousy team -- all on the same night the Flyers finally get off their improbable schneid.

Palin curse, says I. Look for the Blues' early success to recede in a hurry and their sizzling power play to collapse.

Postscriptum: The Blues are now gooning it up something fierce, perhaps to impress Bristol.

Post-postscriptum: Now 4-0 Kings. I'm not live-blogging this, I swear, but I'm sitting here eating dinner with the game on TV and the computer's just sitting there.

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World Series Game 2: BMFS live blog, installation 3

Oh, a two-out hit, and for the first fucking time all game, there's no one on base.

We've seen this before in Philadelphia. Very recently, in fact. Every weekend we see it: this is the baseball equivalent of a 2008 Eagles game.

The Phillies get runners in scoring position with much the same efficiency as the Eagles earn a fresh set of downs with the goal line to go. The Phillies squander these opportunities with the same alarming predictability as the Eagles.*

After three slow-developing, go-nowhere plays for the Eagles or a strikeout for the Phils, we think "OK, we'll at least get three points out of this drive" or "all we need is a fly ball here and we'll at least get one run here."

Then David Akers shanks another kick. Then Greg Dobbs strikes out again and the deep-enough fly ball comes from the following hitter, an out too late.

And we'll get nothing but agita, and learn to like it.

And just as I type that, in the sixth, the Eagles leave another baserunner at third.

(That was actually a legitimate, honest mistake there, typing "Eagles" instead of "Phillies." I'm going to leave it the way it is. You get the point.)

At this point, the most salient difference between the 2008 Eagles and the Phillies in my view is that I'm still paying attention to the Phillies.

*Without this game going on as such a perfect allegory, I explain the Eagles' futility thusly: if you took every play in an Eagles game, assigned each one a value, threw them all onto a table and rearranged them at random, you'd have a large enough amount of good stuff and a small enough amount of bad stuff to get you a win almost every time. But every mistake proves costly, there's always a bad break or two to be had, and the big play is never forthcoming when it's really needed. Advanced statistics, such as Football Outsiders' DVOA, consistently quantify the Eagles to be a far better team than their record indicates, which has routinely been the case throughout the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb era with the exception of their Conference Championship season. This season, for example, by their statistics, they were the top ranked team in the league after six weeks -- with a 3-3 record!

It's pretty clear at this point that the Phils aren't going to get it done tonight, so all that's left is for the Rays to get their full complement of relievers straightened out for series-long domination. Grant Balfour, who looked so shaky against the Red Sox in the ALCS, certainly appeared to get himself straightened out last night in Game 1, and now Dan Wheeler -- who looked even worse than Balfour in the ALCS -- is working himself back into shape in a low-leverage situation. (Although, let it be said, he doesn't look sharp.)

One thing you learn, following these teams: Never start thinking it can't get worse. When Utley gets hit by a pitch later this inning and breaks his hand, it'll sure suck, but at least I'll be prepared for it.

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World Series Game 2: BMFS live blog, installation 2

I forsook the scotch for a V-8. I'm still fuming, but less likely to barf later this way.

Howard is now 2-for-2 and about to be stranded on third base in the fourth inning. Greg Dobbs looks absolutely lost against Shields. I've never seen him like this. He may as well just stop swinging and hope Shields misses the strike zone four times, because he's not coming close to anything he's swinging at. He looks like Mr. Fuji just threw salt in his eyes.

(Now there's a Simmons line for you!)

Phils leave another one to die on the vine. I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue. Still 3-0.

The Phillies have now given up a fourth run... On a fucking squeeze play... with Cliff Floyd scoring from third... Who has had about 30 knee reconstructions... After the batter bunted the ball foul on the previous pitch...

To quote the late Hall of Famer Rich Ashburn after his final major-league season, with the '62 Mets, I can't take this anymore.

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Gonna go play with the cat for a while or something.

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World Series Game 2: BMFS live blog, installation 1

First off, I don't think I crapped up yesterday's installments of the World Series live-bloggery with too much filigree (contrast to that clause), but it was still very lengthy. So, like Archie Bell, I'm going to tighten up on tonight's goings-on.

Because, y'know, brevity is... um... like, "wit", or something.

Just put a three-wood in Jimmy Rollins' hands -- that's how he's swinging the bat right now. Pop-up to second, and James Shields records the first out of the game.

Werth smashes one to Longoria at third, who boots it but recovers in time to get the out. Werth still looks pretty dialed in nonetheless.

We get a "Davey" Concepcion reference from McCarver... I wasn't expecting that without "Sweet Pea" Morgan in the booth. It's like the worst of all worlds.

Baseball Prospectus' player page for Shields still lists him as "Jamie Shields." That makes him appear much less intimidating than he appears so far. His command looks excellent.

And "Bad Redneck" Myers* starts it off by walking Aki Iwamura on five pitches.

*This actually comes from a feature on pitchforkmedia.com in which Stephen Malkmus -- an avid roto baseballer -- referred to Myers as a "bad redneck." Strangely, Malkmus seemed to be unaware at the time that Myers had (allegedly) beat the stuffing out of his very diminuntive wife on a crowded Boston streetcorner. In other words, he was already a "bad redneck" before that.

Single to right, which Werth kicks, allowing both runners to advance. Bad Redneck Myers -- let's reiterate this several more times, Timmy -- has a 9-run ERA in the first inning this season. Of course, he had a 6-run ERA overall before the All-Star Break.* This is one case where it might be acceptable to cherry-pick stats from the last two months of the season, as they're a better representation of Myers' pitching right now.

*Actually 5.84.

Rays 1-0 on a groundout. Runner on third, still one out.

Rays 2-0 on another groundout.

Howard fields a grounder cleanly and hauls it to the bag himself. There's something to build on.

And Howard makes contact! Oh, he smoked a curve ball to dead center! Over Upton's head, one hop and off the wall for a double. I told you that routine play at first base was something to build on.

(Howard is a notorious swing-tweaker -- he claims that his mechanics are never a finished product, even if he's hitting a homer every third at-bat. My advice to Howard: don't work on your hitting at all for a couple months this offseason. It doesn't help. Just leave it alone and work on defense like a madman. Field 900 grounders every day. Throw to second behind the runner 500 times a day. Keep doing this until you are confident that you know what you're doing in the field.

Howard's defensive issues are purely from the neck up. If Howard's lack of fielding prowess was a result of pure physical limitations, he would be so uncoordinated that he would be unable to drive an automobile.)

Burrell works a walk and the Phils get crackin' on (1) getting back those two runs and (2) getting Jamie's pitch count up.

Newest addition to the BMFS Shit List: Victorino hacks at the FIRST PITCH and pops it up.

Jamie voluntarily sacrifices the runners over for Victorino by throwing a wild pitch. Then he strikes out Greg Dobbs -- tonight's DH -- without Dobbs taking the bat off his shoulder. Two out.

Feliz's liner hangs up for Upton in center and the Phils squander another opportunity. I know I'm sitting in the self-same spot, doing the self-same thing, as I was at this time last night, but it feels like I never left.

Rocco Baldelli is up. Let's take a moment to learn about mitochondrial disorders.

Giving back the blown balk call: The home plate umpire calls Rocco Baldelli out on strikes, then the first base ump -- who was never asked for an appeal in the first place -- signals "no swing". Baldelli has now not struck out, and is invited back to the batters' box to continue the at-bat. This has never happened in the history of baseball. This is a grotesque miscarriage of the rules; it's WAY worse than the no-balk call from Game 1.

Baldelli, of course, gets an infield hit and the bases are loaded with one out. The worst calls always seem to be the most costly in the end. I am expecting a grand slam. I am absolutely fuming. If the Rays score in this inning, I'm shuttin' this motherfucker down and pouring a scotch.

Base hit from Upton and the Rays lead 3-0. Baldelli is cut down trying to score.

Yet again the Phillies find themselves on the business end of a historic misfortune.

Rays 2, Umps 1, Phils 0.

Now Buck says that Carlos Ruiz is from Venezuela. In the past 21 hours, no one has notified these idiots that Ruiz is from Panama?

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World Series Game 2: Who wants to rock?

And we're off with a clumsy combination of FOX cross-promotion and patriotism -- Kiefer Sutherland, Barack Obama and John McCain? What the bloody hell is this? It's Game 2 of the 2008 World Series!

Anyway, I'm joined at the BMFS Live-in Shoebox by the same (refilled) mostly empty bottle of water, three smokes left from yesterday's half-pack, official T!!! co-mascots Grover and Pidgie, and my new Obama/Biden-branded BumperNutz, which, later on tonight, I will affix to the tow hitch on my Texas-tagged Volvo LiberalMobile.

The telecast has begun, yet it will still be another half-hour 'til the actual game. So, in a pointless ritual of superstition, I shall go about recreating everything in the BMFS Live-in Shoebox exactly as it was 24 hours ago, even if it involves stapling a 17-pound long-haired male cat to the ottoman.

Meanwhile, I will be viewing the Dallas Stars' likely-hilarious attempts to kill off a four-and-a-half-minute 5-on-3.

And wishing I had a '73 Valiant like a tr00 pimp. My family used to have a '73 Scamp (metallic brown!), which was basically a four-door Duster, and it was a heap of junk.

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The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Seven

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

On Sunday, the Washington Redskins won the seventh game of their season against the Cleveland Browns by a score of 14-11. Their record currently stands at 5-2.

• THAT PAIR OF USED UNDERWEAR THAT YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND GAVE YOU THAT YOU'VE HIDDEN UNDER YOUR PILLOW FOR EARLY MORNING SNIFFS
  
• YOUR BACK-UP BOTTLE OF DOCTOR BONER'S EXTRA STRENGTH 48 HOUR DONG CREAM (NOW WITHOUT SCALING!)
  
• SIX CASES OF GENESEE CREAM ALE
  
• A COUPLE PACKS OF MONKEY JERKY
  
• A MAP OF THE EAST COAST (PREFERABLY ONE WITH PORNOGRAPHIC PICTURES OF ANIMALS)

GRAB ALL THAT SHIT AND THROW IT INTO YOUR '73 VALIANT, AND HIT THE FUCKING GAS CAUSE THE REDSKINS ARE GOING TO TAMPA BAY, BITCHES!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Middle American Monkey Meat, Inc., whose fabulous products help make people happy. Whats for dinner? Monkey Meat!]

World Series Game 1: BMFS live blog, installation 4

Hamels makes quick work of the Rays in the seventh, but at 102 pitches, he's coming out. Another outstanding performance.

Grant Balfour continues throwing flames and the Phils go in order in the top of the eighth. Ryan Madson will be coming on to pitch the bottom half. He's been brilliant recently.

Madson -- or at least this year's iteration thereof -- was one of those guys whose numbers were good, but who, every time I actually saw him pitch, was absolutely awful. In the last few weeks of the season, however, and continuing through the postseason up to this point, he's pitched better than I've ever seen him pitch. His velocity is also better than it's ever been in his career -- not a case of pure causality, but not a coincidence either. At least he no longer makes me nervous as a fan.

OK, this DirecTV "Vacation" ad is starting to get on my nerves. Has no TV ad agency figured out that a strategy of complete and total carpetbombing is not always the most effective?

One down on a pop-up. Let's see if Madson -- anyone -- can get Iwamura out.

Buck and McCarver rave about a really good-looking fastball over the inside corner, which, of couse, the FOX strike-zone monitor shows is off the plate inside. It's the FOX ThimbleZone!

Iwamura strings together a good at-bat but flies out to Werth in right. I've been reduced to Plaschke Paragraphs, with only my acknowledgment of such preventing this from being one.

Madson blows a 97-mph fastball past Upton. Right in the middle of the FOX ThimbleZone!

Upton strikes out swinging, and the Phils will hand a lead to Brad Lidge. That's all we can ask for. Well, I could ask for a two- or three-run lead. But then my Catholic guilt steps in.

I believe I'm seeing the evening's first commercial for boner pills, believe it or not -- it's 11:33 PM Eastern time. Did the government step in on this one? I can't imagine the TV networks exercising any restraint whatsoever when it comes to accepting money from pharmaceutical companies.

The commercial, by the way, was for the new once-daily Cialis. Y'know, in case you want to always have a erection.

Balfour is still out there after throwing one and a third innings. He blows away Rollins effortlessly. Next up, Werth flails at a couple of vapor trails, works the count full, and slices a ground-rule double to right. Boy is he something. That's impressive.

The Rays are walking Utley to face Ryan Howard. Again, 48 HR, 146 RBI. (Actually, scratch the "again" -- I think I gave him one too many RBIs last time.) And they're intentionally walking someone to face him in a one-run game. I know Utley ain't exactly Joe Bag O'Donuts, but Howard just cannot put a good pitch in play. He hasn't always been Dave Kingman with a good personality -- he hit .313 in his MVP year in '06 -- but that's what he looks like now.

Trever Miller comes in to face Howard.

Breaking ball outside of the strike zone. Failed check swing. Strike one.
Ditto. He held up this time. 1-1.
Fastball right down the middle. Just watching. Strike two.
Fastball right the fuck down the middle. Spectatin'. Strike three.

Maddon continues his LaRussa-like antics and yanks Trever Miller in favor of Dan Wheeler to pitch to... Eric Bruntlett! He's in there as a defensive replacement for Burrell.

Bruntlett is hanging on for dear life as the Phils pull off a double steal. Just a little squibber, a Bawlmer Chop, a worm-burner, will score two runs.

Bruntlett pops it up. Brad Lidge time. "This is for the soldiers!"*

*Not Kellen Winslow. There's a story behind this, which deserves to wait for Brett Myers' appearance tomorrow.

Well, we all know Brad Lidge isn't going to convert every single save opportunity as long as he pitches. He's gotta blow one sometime. And every Phillies fan on Earth is scared to death that it's finally going to happen here, in the World Series. It's reminiscent of Gary Anderson's perfect season kicking field goals for the 1998 Minnesota Vikings, who tore the NFL asunder en route to a 15-1 record. He then, of course, missed a short field goal in the NFC Championship Game and we all had to sit through the fercockta Falcons rolling over and dying against the Broncos in the Super Bowl.

Lidge strikes out Carlos Pena. One out.

Aside: It's well known that Lidge took the loss in the All-Star Game, but it wasn't a blown save. What I did not recall was that Kazmir got the win.

Longoria: the whiff. Two out.

And that brings up Carl Crawford, who homered earlier.

Great at-bat from Crawford, fouling off tough pitch after tough pitch... And it's a pop-up in foul territory behind third base. Feliz makes the catch! The Phillies have recorded the final out in two consecutive postseason wins on foul pops.

It's a road win, but there's still a sense that this is merely holding serve, as Hamels started the game. Whatever, I'll take it. More tomorrow.

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World Series Game 1: BMFS live blog, installation 3

It jsut occurred to me that, if the Phillies win this game, I'm going to have to do this again tomorrow. Should that be the case, I may be joined at the BMFS Live-in Shoebox by a bottle of Grover and Pidgie's kitty-dose ketamine tablets and a pot of catnip tea.*

*Ask Matty one of these days and he'll tell you about the time I tried to make a pot of catnip tea for his cat. I spent too much time hovering over the pot on the range and got whacked out of my gourd. It was unpleasant. I had to lie down for a little while.

Free taco! Jason Bartlett steals second with two outs in the bottom of the fifth. You do not need to know this in order to collect your free taco, as I understand it. A Taco Bell I used to frequent would post a trivia question on a whiteboard during the lunchtime hours and would give you a free can't-remember-what if you got it right.

Man, fuck a taco, man! The stolen base contributes directly to a run as Iwamura singles to drive in Bartlett. Iwamura is 3-for-3, and this time, unlike the other two, he will not be forced out at second as part of an Upton double play, as there are already two outs.*

*On July 21, 1975, Felix Millan of the Mets singled four times in four at-bats and was wiped out at second base all four times on double plays hit into by Joe Torre.

Very poor job by the Rays "fans" not mugging Ryan Howard as he attempted to field a pop-up that was clearly on the spectators' side of the railing in foul territory. It looked like there may not have been anyone taller than about 5'8" over there, though. If this game was in Boston and there was no one nearby who was tall enough to prevent Howard from making that catch, someone would have poked him in the eyes.

3-2 Phils through 5.

Hey, the "President" of Taco Bell is in attendance. And there's Chris Myers interviewing him! Ugh. Thanks to this interview, I know that the "President" of Taco Bell is not popularly elected like the President of the United States. However, I do not know who is warming up in the Rays bullpen.

The Phils squander another leadoff baserunner. This is starting to look really ominous. Kazmir's gotta come outta there at 110 pitches. I hope.

There's a brutal error on Howard on a routine grounder. See what I meant about not recording an out on a ball that he actually fields cleanly?

Hamels then picks off Carlos Pena, who is thrown out at second, but Joe Maddon is of the opinion that Hamels balked. Was it a balk? Maybe. But let's not miss the point: Howard threw accurately to second base! That's just the second time I've seen that all season.

Hamels works his way out of a potential jam here, but I want to make sure I'm clear here: Ryan Howard is the worst defensive player I have ever seen at any position. Ever. In scouting parlance, a player can be a "plus" or a "minus" defender; well, Howard is an "em-dash" defender. He should be DHing every game in The House That Dewon Brazelton Built and Greg Dobbs should be playing first base. (I don't care if Dobbs is right-handed. That's how bad a defender Howard is. No, never mind -- it's not. It doesn't even begin to tell the story of how bad a defender he is.)

They've shown the disputed pickoff a couple more times, and I've decided it's a balk. Where Hamels' right foot comes down as he throws to first, it's at least several inches to the right of the plane of his left foot. Not really blatant, but probably a balk.

Utley singles and steals second. Now we find out whether J.P. Howell is officially a Major League caliber pitcher. If he is, he'll retire Howard easily.

Ah, I should stop sandbagging Howard so badly. The point of all this, really, is this: the state of pitching these days is such that Howard can hit 48 HR and drive in 147 runs in a season exclusively off lousy pitchers.

Howard swings wildly at a breaking ball that bounces four feet in front of the plate. It skips away and Utley takes third. Now we just need a fly ball here for an insurance run.*

*As spoken in Philadelphia, "in-SURE-ance," but as spoken in Texas, "IN-sure-ance". The Phillies' radio play-by-play man is from Texas, and betrays it when speaking this word and this word only.

Swing and a miss. Strike three.

Burrell works a walk. Buck and McCarver are openly stunned that some of Kazmir's and Howell's pitches haven't been called strikes. However, every time, that FOX strike-zone monitor shows the pitch to be outside the zone. Which begs this question: has that thing ever shown a pitch to be in the strike zone? Was that thing based on Eddie Gaedel's strike zone?

If the Phillies can't hang on for the win here, it won't be hard to diagnose what went wrong in this game.

Ooh, McCarver just said "catch me if you can." He did not, however, mention the mythical "Mark Wohlberg." Hey shitty broadcastah, how you doin'? I used to have glasses like that.

Hamels is back out there for the bottom of the seventh at 90-plus pitches

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World Series Game 1: BMFS live blog, installation 2

The audio is still dropping out of the telecast repeatedly in three-second chunks. I subscribe to Dish Network, by the way -- the company that has retained Frank Caliendo as its pitchman and purchased literally hours of advertising time during these MLB playoffs. The audio is dropping out only during the game, not during Caliendo's groundbreaking Shatner impersonation.

Boy, Howard and Burrell are absolute pincushions against elite pitching. In an AL park, the bottom third of their order scares me more than those two at this point. Phils squander a leadoff double from the outstanding Jayson Werth.

Just flipped over to check out the NHL-worst Flyers losing to the San Jose Sharks at home. The Flyers are the only team in the NHL that has yet to win a game. This after reaching the Conference Finals last season.

By the way, All-Pro guard Shawn Andrews underwent back surgery today and is out for the season, and the Eagles have shown an unprecedented ability this year to turn small successes into large failures. Boy do we ever need the Phillies right now.

Sharks TV commentary guy Drew Remenda -- one of the best around -- points out that, given the new rule in the NHL whereby the faceoff ensuing a delayed penalty automatically takes place in the offensive zone of the team going onto the power play, the Flyers should have just deliberately turned the puck over immediately when the Sharks were called for a delayed penalty. First guy I've seen point this out, other than myself, verbally, to Snizza. Further POOOAST!!!'ins on this some other time.

Flyers score on said power play to tie it at 6. We're going to overtime!

Meanwhile -- and I swear I haven't been watching freaking October hockey this whole time -- Hamels has crashed into an iceberg at the bottom of the Rays' lineup. Bases loaded, one out. Need another double-play ball from Upton in the two hole.

Feliz. Utley. Howard. Double play.

(I promise wrote the double-play reference in advance of Upton's at-bat. You'll have to trust me.)

I wish I could somehow twist Hamels' name into some sort of allusion to male genitalia, 'cause I'd have one of those right now -- like when Matty's Papelboner is at half-Masterson.

FOX just caught someone in the Rays dugout -- Kazmir? -- stuffing a big wad of smokeless tobacco into his lip. They immediately switched to another camera. Kids, don't try this at home! Now for some more commercials for boner pills!

The bottom of the Phils' order gets cookin' in the fourth, with singles from Victorino and Feliz. Charlie Manuel is now going to ask his DH to bunt the runners over. Granted, the DH is Chris Coste, not Big Fuckin' Papi, but c'mon.

Manuel takes the bunt sign off at 0-1. Coste grounds to first. Results are exactly the same as those of a sacrifice bunt, except Coste's batting average drops. Joe Morgan is right: Statistics = Crap!

Flyers lose the shootout on a goal from former Flyer Jeremy Roenick. Still the only team in the league without a win.

The Panamanian Strongman* drives in a run from third with a groundout. Three-nil Fightins.

*I intended for this to be a reference not to General Noriega, but rather to a video game that showed up periodically in the early years of The Simpsons -- remember when Bart and Milhouse used to hang out at Noiseland arcade? -- but I can't find a photo of it. That stuff aired in, like, 1991. Wasn't much on the Interwebs back then. It's referenced on this page, along with other video games that have appeared on the series, such as "Nuke Canada," "Time Waster," and "My Dinner with Andre."

Side retired in the fourth. "Gonna Fly Now" time. And the sound drops out three notes into it! Outstanding.

Hamels is touched up for a Carl Crawford solo homer right smack in the middle of the booth's totally gratuitous interview with Phillies Pitching Coach Rich Dubee. Can we just stop with this basura already?

The sound is now dropping out so frequently that it's getting irritating. I need to get a goddamn DVR just so I can synch up the TV picture with GameDay Audio.

After a half-inning in which the Rays score, we get Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down a Dream." How is that fair? Petty is from Gainesville -- a couple hours up the road -- but nobody even knows that. If I don't hear The Roots before the end of this game, I'm firing off some cranky emails.

Keep foulin' 'em off, Big Guy. Kazmir is up around 90 pitches in the fifth inning, but he's been mostly impressive since the first. Howard works the walk. (Hamels has thrown only 53 pitches through 4 IP.)*

*Note that I looked all this up online. This is the type of useful information FOX neglects in lieu of pointless interviews and stories about Joe Maddon's Ed Hardy t-shirt collection.

Burrell is spraying foul balls all over hell and creation. Kazmir is at 94 pitches. Buck mentions the pitch count at last.

Burrell reaches on an error by Pena at first on a squib hit to Kazmir along the first base line. Buck and McCarver intimating Burrell should be called out for running inside the baseline. No arguments from the Rays, as it's a play they absolutely should have made.

Game's half over; 3-1 Phils.

McCarver just said Carlos Ruiz is from Venezuela. He is not. As alluded to above, he is from Panama.

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World Series Game 1: BMFS live blog, installation 1

First of all, to preempt any accusations of me jinxing the Phillies with my prediction, allow me to quote Pedro Martinez:

"I don't believe in dem curses. Dig up de Bambino and have him face me. Maybe I'll drill 'im in the ass!"

(Pedro immediately injured his shoulder and went on the DL. Oops.)

The audio has been dropping out of the telecast intermittently throughout the pregame broadcast. If Steve Harvey's voice started to come through the feed instead of Tim McCarver's, I think that would be an improvement. Dunno if I'd recognize it, though.

And we're off! Strike one from Kazmir to Rollins.

Looks like there are quite a bit of empty seats at The House That Greg Vaughn Built. Obviously it's a sellout, but why isn't everyone in their seat? Especially considering the game started 37 minutes after the time printed on the tickets.

It's great to see they've moved the centerfield camera so it's aimed almost directly over the pitcher's head. Throughout the playoffs, I've noticed the CF cam in St. Pete -- which was way off in left-center -- yielded an incredibly skewed perspective of the strike zone, especially when a left-hander was pitching. And of course both starters tonight are lefties.

The Rays are putting on a Ryan Howard style shift on for Chase Utley. I have never seen this. Is Joe Maddon making a routine of avoiding routine?

Werth works a walk and Utley's working the count as well, as Kazmir has started throwing breaking pitches. The patient approach is a good thing because...

IT'S OUTTA HERE!!!! UTLEY RIPS A TWO-RUN HOMER TO RIGHT!!!!

Rust this.

Anyway, even if Kazmir is dominant from here out, he works a lot of deep counts, and the Phillies could certainly help flush him out of this game in 5 or 6 innings and get into the seamy underbelly of the Rays' bullpen.

Hey, guess what FOX is playing into the commercial break after the Phillies scored a couple runs? C'mon, guess! Yep, it's Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now" from Rocky. Imaginative. At least it's better than "I Love LA" by Randy Newman, which they played every single time the Dodgers scored in the NLCS.

Oooh, the Rays are introducing themselves individually in the lineup. They couldn't get through the whole thing before Hamels threw his first pitch -- good move, Colbert.

Does that intro mean the Rays themselves are the biggest celebrities in Eastern Florida? Quick, someone get Brooke Hogan on the blower! How about Barry Melrose? I know he just moved there a couple months ago, but they gotta take what they can get.

Hamels fails to cover the bag on a grounder to first. I hate to see Ryan Howard actually successfully field a ground ball -- or any ball, even a beach ball -- and the Phillies not get an out from it. Now Upton is up with a runner on base...

And he grounds into a double play! Phew...

The Phils put the shift on for Carlos Pena and he grounds to Rollins on the right side of second base. First inning over. It couldn't have gone much better for a team that's been off for about a week.

New DirecTV ad... Christie Brinkley in the pool from National Lampoon's Vacation. ("How's the water?" "Exhilarating!" ... splash ... "COOOOOLLLD!!!!") One of the funniest movies ever, in my opinion. And certainly better than the "Poltergeist" retrofit, which is creepy bordering on inappropriate considering the featured child actor's tragic death at age 12.

Pedro Feliz just worked a walk. Boy, there's definitely a team-wide strategy of patience at work here.

Joe Buck is of the opinion that Shane Victorino was out at second on a pickoff move despite having been called safe. He openly requested a further replay. We haven't been shown a definitive angle, even though one certainly exists, which tells me he was probably out.

Bases loaded. Hucklebuck correctly points out that Kazmir was distracted by the baserunners while walking Carlos "Panamanian Strongman" Ruiz. I've seen the Phillies exert this effect on many, many pitchers in the past two or three years.

Victorino is cut down at the plate on a shallow flyout to center. With two outs you gotta take that risk and gamble on an inaccurate throw. They didn't get one. Oh well.

On the flip side of the "Gonna Fly Now" and Randy Newman decisions, some decent music is being featured on these MLB playoff telecasts. They just showed an ad for the upcoming MLB Network featuring the Ramones' cover of "What a Wonderful World." "Strange Times" by the Black Keys was played during Game 7 of the ALCS.

We're through two. Colbert's* rolling along nicely.

*Yes, that's his real name.

This is ooooouuur country!

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The lesson, as always: I like to imitate Bill Simmons

Did you really think the Phillies could reach their first World Series since I was in high school without me live-blogging it?

This, in fact, is the first time since the invention of the blog that the Phillies have reached the World Series (or even won a playoff game). Back in those heady days, you'd have had to publish a fanzine about the Phillies winning the pennant, and by the time you finished putting it all together at Kinko's, it'd be Thanksgiving and everyone would have moved on to sandbagging the stinkin' Eagles full-time. Shit, Kinko's doesn't even exist anymore.

Anyway, I'm joined at the BMFS Live-in Shoebox by a mostly empty bottle of water, a "Cincinnati platter," half a pack of Camels, and our two cats, Grover and Pidgie. They are joined, in turn, by two large bags of preposterously expensive prescription cat food. Pidgie's urethra produces crystals like Tiffany.

All 'round the Interwebs and cathode ray tubes (liquid crystal displays?), there is a broad consensus* that this will be a close series, and as such, most everyone is predicting it will go seven games.

*One of the most often misspelled words. Tip: think of the word "consent" as related to the word "consensus".

But of course, only a small minority of series go seven games, and a truly close series needn't be an extended one. For example, the 1960 World Series was not particularly close -- the Pirates lost three games by 10 or more runs each, but walked off with the championship with a 10-9 win in Game 7 thanks to Bill Mazeroski's legendary home run. Conversely, the 2005 World Series was extremely close, with the result of every game very much in doubt until the end, despite the fact that it ended in a sweep by the White Sox. They won two games by a run apiece and two by two runs -- and one of those two took 14 innings.

So if this series is going to go seven games, who's going to start for the Phillies in game seven? It won't be Myers or Hamels, so it's tough to concede a seven-game win for the Phils, even though, generally, I do favor them to win the series by the slightest of margins.

Why? First of all, let's start with the assumption that starting pitching is the most important thing in this series, as in baseball in general. Because it is.

OK. Now... Even though the Rays' starting pitchers are stronger as a group from one through four, only Matt Garza has shown the combination of dominance and efficiency that allows him to pitch deep into games. And he's not starting until game 3, which is a guaranteed win for the Rays regardless of who starts for them, as the Phillies have refused to move Joe Blanton ahead of Jamie Moyer in the rotation, which would cluster their two left-handed starters together.

I was not terribly impressed with most of the Rays' relievers in the Boston series -- eg, Wheeler and Balfour -- with the notable exception of David Price. If the Rays do indeed win this series, Price will emerge as a likely MVP candidate because he'll have to pitch two innings in four or five games. The Phillies, meanwhile, have four relievers (not counting Chad Durbin, who hit the wall about six weeks ago) -- two lefties and two righties -- who have proven to be somewhere between "reliable" and "dominant" in the latter portion of the regular season and postseason.

It is worth noting that B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria may, in fact, be superheroes, and that no one the Phillies can throw out there can retire them. This, of course, would most likely also result in a Rays win.

I see this series as very nearly a 50/50 prospect; the pitching staffs are nearly equivalent and the Phillies are a rare National League team that can field an "American League lineup."

But tor the reasons outlined above, I'm puttin' in the call for the Fightin' Phils in 6. Now hands up: who wants to rock?

Another POOOAST!!! in two or three innings... Stay tuned to see how miserably, grotesquely wrong my predictions can be!

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Matt Garza's Constant Spitting Makes Me Want To Eat Bad Cheese Until I Can Bathe In The Resulting Watery Diarrhea

I'm not sure anyone noticed because I can't find a picture of it on the Google, but Tampa Rays pitcher Matt Garza spits too much. I mean every second he is on the mound or in the dugout he spits. He spits when he stands on the rubber getting a sign from the catcher, he spits when rubbing up a new baseball, and he spits when he looks a runner back to first base. Regardless of the situation, I'd bet my anal virginity that there's going to be some phlegm or saliva flying from his mouth.

Having played baseball (badly) for a number of years, I do understand the spitting thing. I, myself, have been known to spit from time to time. Some would say I spit too much, and this is a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. To that cliché, I would say, 'it takes one to know one.' But spitting expertise really isn't required in this case. In fact, someone with cataracts, dark sunglasses and their back to their TV could tell Garza spits too much.

The whole point of bringing this up, aside from desperately trying to find a way to criticize the team that just beat my Boston Red Sox, is that Garza's constant stream of expectoration is nauseating in the extreme. I love baseball, and I spit a lot, and it makes me sick. Like physically ill. If it makes me sick then you know he's spitting too much. But what can be done? If the guy has his hands down his plants constantly rearranging his junk then maybe the commish gets on the horn and says, "Hey! Garza! ‘Play ball’ means baseball, not your nuts! Get your damn hands outta your pants, capiche?" I don't think this should be any different, so I’d like to see ol’ Bud give Joe Madden a call.

Maddon: Hello?

Bud: Hey, Joe, it’s Commissioner Selig.

Maddon: Hey, Bud!

Bud: Commissioner Selig.

Maddon: Oh, right, sorry.

Bud: It couldn’t matter less. So, I wanted to congratulate you on your success.

Maddon: Thank you, Commissioner.

Bud: Commissioner Selig.

Maddon: Right. Sorry.

Bud: Not important at all. We are all very proud of the job you’ve done this year.

Maddon: Thanks again.

Bud: Commissioner Selig.

Maddon: Huh?

Bud: Uh, nothing. Anyway, I wanted to speak with you about that youngster, Garza. He seems to spit a lot, don’t you think?

Maddon: Well, I…

Bud: IF HE SPITS ONE MORE TIME ON NATIONAL TV I’M GOING TO COME DOWN THERE AND RIP HIS NUTS OFF WITH A SPORK, IS THAT CLEAR!?!?

Maddon: I’ll pass the message along. Thanks for calling.

Bud: Best of luck in the series.

Maddon: Say “hi” to Mable for me.

Bud: Toodles.

Is this what Quality Control Assistants are for?

Actually, this isn't a simple oversight -- that's really the jersey Alstott wore for his first two NFL games with the Bucs. Chew on that if you don't remember the days when the Buccaneers organization was an absolute jerkwater operation.

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What Better Time to Pile on the Cowfags Than Now?

I can't help but surf in the wake of yesterdays scrumpdilyicious Cowboys loss to the "last-place-in-every-statistical-category-currently-kept-by-the-league" St. Louis Rams. The Skins won, and that made me content. However, the Cowtards continued their careening in to the ditch while exposing the biggest leadership vacuum since the Keystone Kops - and that made me giddy.

Then, today I stumble on a story on CNBC that shows that Al Cowzeera actually has FOUR of the Top 10 jersey sales in the league:

1. Brett Favre, New York Jets
2. Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys
3. Eli Manning, New York Giants
4. Marion Barber, Dallas Cowboys
5. Tom Brady, New England Patriots
6. Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings
7. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts
8. Jason Witten, Dallas Cowboys
9. LaDainian Tomlinson, San Diego Chargers
10. Terrell Owens, Dallas Cowboys

You know what? This makes me ecstatic! Why? Because all of these Cowsheep will be forced to either burn their new jerseys, or frustratingly discard them and throw them violently in to their closets when their playoff dreams are dashed by this joke of a team.

"It was our Super Bowl! We have the most talent! We DESERVE it!"

Ha ha! I could watch an entire NFL Films special on this magnificent development!

I was reminded of a famous exchange that sums up my Cowboy feelings:

"Larry Felser, longtime columnist for the Buffalo News: "Beano Cook, the sporting laureate of Pittsburgh, might have struck the right chord some years ago when he paid a compliment — left-handed though it may have been — to Tex Schramm, the man who virtually invented the Cowboys.
'Tex,' said Beano, 'in my estimation, the Dallas Cowboys are the second-most efficient organization of the 20th century.'
'Why, thank you, Beano,' said Schramm, blushing modestly. 'By the way, who’s in first ahead of us?'
'The Third Reich.' "

Ba Dum CHA!

TBS Interupts Steve Harvey Show For Some Dumb Sports Event

ATLANTA - In a decision that will likely scar the network for years to come, TBS executives made the reckless choice to cut short an episode of "The Steve Harvey Show" on Saturday night for some sporting event. The decision to preempt the popular funnyman was made shortly after 8:20 PM eastern standard time by executives in the network's Atlanta offices said sources, just after the character of "Steve" appeared to suffer what looked to be a potentially fatal heart attack. The paramedics arrived on scene (carefully arranging themselves so as to not block the camera), while "Steve" held his chest and relayed a hilarious high school memory. It was then that TBS cut to the sporting event, which featured many men in tight pants and colored hats throwing a ball to one another.

At that point, say sources, the network was deluged with three, maybe even four calls, asking what had happened to Steve. One caller noted that he was unsure where he was and asked, "are you my mama?"

After wards, President Dennis Adamovich issued a statement, admitting the network had made a grievous mistake. "TBS wishes to apologize to our viewers, fans of "The Steve Harvey Show," and indeed, fans of good American humor. All of you were unnecessarily forced to endure a difficult situation this evening," read Adamovich's statement. "Those responsible for this decision have been sacked. Also, it is important to note that "Steve" was not suffering from a heart attack, just some heart burn. He is fine and will survive for several more episodes before the show is canceled. We at TBS look forward to many more hilarious moments from "Steve" and the whole cast."

The next episode of "The Steve Harvey Show" is scheduled to air on TBS at 7:30pm eastern standard time on Sunday, October 19, 2008.

Terry Francona Hates Philadelphia, Wants To Kill Bill Giles

With the Red Sox big win last night to send their ALCS series back to Tampa, many reporters were asking manager Terry Francona about the American League's future opponent in the World Series, the Philadelphia Phillies. No, we aren't there yet, but since when do all those liberal reporters exercise restraint? What with their "gotcha!" questions, and their "facts" and expecting "intelligent answers" to their questions! The nerve, I tell ya.

Well. That went in a direction I wasn't expecting.

Back to Francona. You may recall (though I'm not sure why you would) before he managed the Red Sox to two World Series wins, he managed the Phillies to 363 losses in four years. In fairness to Francona, he wasn't exactly given the tools to succeed. But that didn't dissuade the "Phans"* in Philadelphia from hate'n on ol' Terry.

Ignore for a minute the fact that the Sox are down 3-2 with two more elimination games to go in Tampa if they are to win. During last night's post game presser at Fenway Park, Francona was peppered with questions about returning to Philadelphia and playing the Phillies in the World Series.** Specifically, Francona was asked about watching the Phillies beat LA to win the NL pennant and, strangely enough for the usually reserved Francona, he let the following slip:

I wanted to watch [Phillies President] Bill Giles, and kill him. That meant
a lot to me.***###^^^#&*$

Wow! What a hateful angry man. So so sad.

*They hate that.

**Seriously. It was pretty ridiculous. You'd have thought that the Red Sox just won the series, not survived an elimination game.

***Yes! He actually said that!

###Seriously! He really did!

^^^Dude, I'm not kidding! He completely said it. I swear! Fuck! See?!?

#&*$Fine... the actual quote is this:
“I wanted to watch at the end and see their clubbie (clubhouse attendant Frank Coppenbarger) jump up at the end,” said Francona. “I was also hoping to see (team owner) Bill Giles, and I didn’t. I did see Frank jump up in someone’s arms and almost kill him. That meant a lot to me.”

Serbia Will Now Draw Countless Charges on Romania

Never known as a threatening nation to the countries that surround it, Serbia has decided to abandon its offensive posture, and take a more creative stance at foreign policy. Rather than invade Romania, Hungary, Croatia, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Montenegro, Albania and Macedonia*, Serbia will instead attempt to draw six offensive fouls on all of them, thus fouling them out and leaving the land for Serbia to casually stroll in to and inhabit.

Where could such an ingenious plan come from? Whose mind could hatch such a passive aggressive plot? There is only one man who could be responsible for this:

VLADE DIVAC!!

Yes, the droopy-faced stinkmaster hisself is back. Serbia has appointed him to a government post:

BELGRADE, Serbia (AP)—Former NBA star Vlade Divac has become an adviser in Serbia’s government.

The 40-year-old says he will be in charge of humanitarian issues and sports, and will work with Vice Premier Ivica Dacic.

The ex-

Los Angeles Lakers and Sacramento Kings center told reporters Thursday he has taken up the post in order to help promote humanitarian work in Serbia. After retiring from basketball, Divac moved to his native Serbia where he has a business and runs a humanitarian organization.

As everyone knows, Divac was the NBA's foremost practitioner of The Flop. No doubt, he is currently passing this knowledge on to the rest of Serbia's government, and the country itself is preparing itself to draw its first charge on one of its unsuspecting neighbors as you read this.

*Fuck ya I had to look this up. You didn't actually think I knew this, did you?

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Six

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]


On Sunday, the Washington Redskins lost the sixth game of their season against the St. Louis Rams by a score of 19-17. Their record currently stands at 4-2.


FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK!!

[breaks chair]

FUCKITY FUCK!*

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Gay Sex, Inc., whose fabulous products help make people happy. Happy anuses everywhere say: give me more Gay Sex!]**


*hard to believe I don't get paid for this, huh?

**you should see what spellcheck thinks of this post - ain't purty

Marky Mark and the Dallas Dunce Bunch

Announcer with booming voice: "And now, Mark Wahlberg talks to unbelievably stupid Dallas athletes."

Hey. I'm Mark Wahlberg. You guys know me. Let's talk to some shitstick retarded Dallas athletes.

I'm gonna talk to a Pac Man. Hey Pac Man, How's it goin'? You make it rain, right? I like your dreads, they look really great. You just got kicked out of the NFL for fighting your bodyguard, huh? That's really keeping it real and smart. Good luck in the AF2 cuz you can't even get across the border to play in the CFL. OK, it was really great to meet you. Say hi to your movers for me, alright.

Now I'm gonna talk to an Avery.

Hey Avery, what's going on? You're a homo who wears women's clothes, right? I like that. You got 2 game misconduct penalties in one game, huh? That's really great. You lead the league in penalty minutes. I take myself way too seriously and hate Saturday Night Live, even though that sketch got me more mileage than any of my movies.

OK, talk to you later. Keep doing nothin' on the ice. Say hi to your purse designer for me, alright?

Now I'ma talk to a T.O.

Hey, what's goin' on? You sulk on the sidelines and cry about your quarterback. A lot of people want to diss you but I just want to wish you luck that you'll catch more passes now that the Cowboys have acquired a better receiver than you. Good luck reaching 1000 yards this year. Alright, take it easy. Say hi to the real Roy Williams for me.

Now I'm gonna talk to a J-Ho.

Hey J-Ho, it's good to see you. You smoke dope and suck in 4th quarters huh? You're pretty tall. I bet you've got a big dick. I had a dick like that in Boogie Nights. Did you see that movie J-Ho? Did you see Boogie Nights? Good luck making the playoffs this year. Say hi to the judge for me, alright.

Announcer: This has been Marky Mark Talks to Dumbass Dallas Athletes.

The Capitals Renew My Doo Dads

Hidden in the abject poopiness of my sporting weekend (1 Redskins loss + 2 Red Sox playoff losses = temper tantrums aplenty) was the beginning of the Washington Capitals 08-09 hockey season. You may recall last season's run to the playoffs, including winning something like 13 out of 14 of their final games to capture the coveted Southeastern Division title, ended in a game 7 overtime loss to the Philadelphia Palins. ("BOOOO!!!") As if we didn't have enough reasons to root against the Flyers, now we know they're run by a self serving right wing neocon. Anyway.

Despite the way it ended, last season qualified as highly successful for a franchise that hasn't exactly cornered the market on promise since about 1982. With a bunch of excellent young players in the fold for the foreseeable future, the Caps looked like they were poised to take the proverbial next step. Unfortunately that next step proved to be into the center of a massive cow pie when they gave up 7 goals on opening night new, 4 by new goalie Jose Theodore. I was busy weighing cast iron frying pans in preparation for some serious nut smacking courtesy of an excruciating 12 inning Red Sox loss in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, so I didn't see Theodore get pulled for backup Brent Johnson. This was good as I also missed Johnson give up three goals of his own in route to a 7-4 loss to Hot-lanta.

Since that pooping of the bed, the Caps have broken out the bleach and rubber sheets, winning the next two by a combined score of 9-3, including giving up a team record ten shots to Vancouver in a 5-1 win last night. The D has stepped up, helped by the odd addition (to me at least) of supposed second line center Sergei Fedorov to the blue line, while Mike Green and Alex Semin have repeatedly put the biscuit in the basket with their twigs. (Is it just me or does that somehow sound vaguely sexual?)

The Caps are off until Thursday night when they meet the much hated Penguins in Pittsburgh, by which time the Red Sox season may be on more ice than the Caps. As much as losing to Tampa would suck, at least I'd have what looks like a promising Caps season to enjoy. And hopefully a few months off from the frying pan for my nards.

The Land of Ludicrous Lawsuits: This Is Our Country

TBS has spent the past few weeks ramming Bon Jovi's "I Love This Town" down viewers' throats to such an extent that it is nearly equivalent to "This Is Our Country" in terms of the revulsion it provokes. I am almost incomprehensibly sick of this song.

Now this: some yahoo in MLB's bastion of privilege, entitlement, and boorish behavior -- Ye Olde Boston Towne -- is suing Bon Jovi over the song.

For 400 billion dollars.

Believe it or not, it isn't even a class action suit over the hearing damage and emtional distress the song has caused in a nation of baseball viewers.

I can't help but be reminded of Chester J. Lampwick, the homeless "Simpsons" character voiced by Kirk Douglas.


Claiming to be "the father of cartoon violence," he sued Roger Meyers, Jr., for 800 million dollars, claiming he was the true creator of Itchy & Scratchy.

In the words of Ralph Kramden, "a mere bag o' shells."

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Palin's Pre-emptive Strike on the Flyers' 2008-09 Season

I'm proud to report that Flyers fans voiced their displeasure with Sarah Palin's involvement in their season opener rather vociferously. It wasn't a thunderous, 100% unified round of boos, but it was a clear message nonetheless.

After receiving a kiss on the cheek from fellow Alaskan Scott Gomez of the Rangers, Palin dropped the ceremonial puck...

...And the Flyers went on cough up four goals in the first period, prompting coach John Stevens to yank Martin Biron out of the game.

I'm blaming Palin for this miserable showing. And for the fact that Steve Eminger is still not an NHL-caliber defenseman. And that Biron gave up a goal on a no-frills wraparound that most goalies of the Original Six era would have stopped.

All Palin's fault.

Go Phils.

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Hah! Philly Gets the Shitstick Again!

I was as embarrassed as hell last week when Sarah Palin came to Dallas and noted Mr. Magoo-esque owner Tom Hicks decided to give her a Stars jersey.

But now Stars fans are saved from the pits of hell by the Philadelphia Flyers. Beauty.

I wonder if they'll give her Derian Hatcher's jersey, like the Stars did...

PHILADELPHIA (AP)—Sarah Palin’s next faceoff will come at center ice at an NHL arena, not at a debate.

The GOP vice presidential nominee will drop the ceremonial first puck when the Philadelphia Flyers open the regular season against the New York Rangers on Saturday. Palin, the Alaska governor and self-described “hockey mom,” will join the winner of a team promotion for the “Ultimate Hockey Mom” to drop the puck.

Last month, Palin visited a Philadelphia bar with Flyers owner Ed Snider, who has donated money to Republican presidential nominee John McCain’s campaign.

“Because of the tremendous amount of publicity she has brought to our sport, we invited the most popular hockey mom in North America to our home opener to help us get our season started,” Snider said in a team statement Wednesday. “We are very excited she has accepted our offer and we are very proud of the publicity she is generating for hockey moms and the sport of hockey.”

The team will award all hockey moms entered into the contest with a free “puck-er peach” lipstick and four tickets to a hockey game of the Flyers’ minor league affiliate, the Philadelphia Phantoms. The winner will appear on the ice with Palin for opening faceoff.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

We know where the majority of that Puck-er Peach Lipstick is gonna end up, right? The limp dicks of passed out Flyers fans will look like orange and white candy canes.

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Five

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

On Sunday, the Washington Redskins won the fifth game of their season against the Philadelphia Eagles by a score of 23-17. Their record currently stands at 4-1.

ITS TAKEN ME A FUCKING WEEK TO GET OVER EATING MY OWN SHIT AFTER REPEATEDLY BEATING DALLAS IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE BUTT OF A SHOTGUN, BUT GODDAMMIT I'VE FUCKING DONE IT! [BLEAAAAAHHHH!!!]

HOLY SHIT, THE REDSKINS ADMINISTERED YET ANOTHER BRUTAL BEAT DOWN, THIS TIME AGAINST A TEAM LED BY A WHINY CRYING DOUCHE BAG OF A QUARTERBACK! "MY TEAM IS BETTER WAAH WAAH WAAH, EVEN THOUGH WE WERE ESSENTIALLY PRISON RAPED IN OUR OWN HOUSE WAAH WAAH WAAH. ALSO, DID I MENTION WAAH WAAH WAAH?"

[prepare for actual football insight] EAT MONKEY SPUNK YOU PIECES OF GARBAGE!! WE RAN IT UP, AROUND, THROUGH AND OVER YOUR GAY ASSES, WHICH WERE WEIGHED DOWN BY GALLONS OF BABY BATTER!! FUCKING SHIT!!

NEXT UP ON THE ANNIHILATION CHECKLIST: THE ASS RAMS! BREAK OUT THE MULTI-PRONGED DILDO, CAUSE ITS TIME TO WIN A FOOTBALL GAME!! YOU CAN'T STOP THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE THEY DON'T CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE TO YOUR ANAL CAVITY AFTER ITS REPEATEDLY RAMMED BY THEIR COLLECTIVE GIANT BLACK PENIS!! HOLY FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, The Wholesome Granola Company, whose fabulous products help make people happy. Wholesome Granola: For the very best breakfast of your life!]

"NONONONONO!!"

This just gets funnier and funnier the more you look at it.*

*Hat tip and apologies to The Joy of Sox, where this was taken from.

The Black Steve Bartgoat Strikes Again

That sure didn't take long. The National League's best team over the regular season and prohibitive favorite to get to the World Series bowed out in three games last night to a team featuring Ned Colletti as general manager. [Warning: Platsche paragraph coming]

Yeesh.

Some might say this is the inevitable outcome of riding a pitching staff that is over their heads and were due to come back to earth. Some might say that once matched up in a best of five format that forgives having a crappy end of the order and doesn't necessitate a deep bullpen, the Dodgers were just as good as Chicago.

Nope. There is only one explanation for this. The Black Steve Bartgoat has struck again.

Let me explain. In 1843 a man named Steve Black was roaming the fields where Wrigley Field was later built with his Goat, "Pinella." It was evening and there were no street lights at the time, so he didn't see a black man named Black Man come up behind him, hit him on the head with the world's first aluminum baseball bat and then brutally sodomize him until he died. But just before he died he is said to have yelled, "If ever a baseball team is to play here on these fields, they will will be cursed to play with the quality of my bloody anus!" Then Pinella deficated on his face.

So the moral of the story: The Cubs will continue to lose playoff baseball games as long as the playoffs are so short and their pitching staff doesn't throw well.

Also that whole goat anus thing.

Taking a Break from Real Sports for a Phony Sports Update

A few of my goon-ass Texan friends went out to a local bar to watch the mixed martial arts event tonight. As you may have guessed from the previous verbiage, I passed on this opportunity. But here's what happened:

The famous-but-over-the-hill guy who was supposed to fight Kimbo Slice bagged out, and they went and found some total unknown to take his place. That guy then beat Kimbo to a pulp in 14 seconds (!!!) and the fight was stopped.

Serves you right, dullards. Sorry I missed the festivities.

------------------

Before I go back to shitting my pants over the Phillies (for no ostensible reason; as a Phillies fan, I'm uncontrollably irrational), here are some Week 5 football picks... No, here are all the football picks. Or at least I intend to pick all the games.

Chicago at Detroit
Detroit had the bye week to celebrate Matt Millen's firing; now comes the hard part: getting a handle on just how wretched a team he left behind.
Pick: Chicago

Atlanta at Green Bay
If you want to beat yourself against the Falcons, they will oblige. And that ranks them ahead of at least 5 other NFL teams. Still...
Pick: Green Bay

San Diego at Miami
Thank God LA doesn't have an NFL team, 'cause I just heard Dick Stockton try to pronounce the Mayor's name, and it wasn't pretty.
Pick: San Diego

Seattle at New York Tell Me How My Ass Tastes Giants
An unidentified 6'5'' man with cornrows showed up at Seattle's open tryouts for WRs this week, identifying himself as "Blaxico Purress"...
Pick: New York Pung! Giants

Washington at Philadelphia
The Eagles are the absolute best in the NFL at what they do: Find ways to lose.
Pick: Washington

Kansas City at Carolina
Instead of heeding KC Star columnist Jason Whitlock's advice to bring in Jeff George to play QB, the Chiefs are just going to have Whitlock play QB instead.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Baltimore
Allow me to be the first: "Iiiiiiiiiii... Loooooooove... This Toooooooooownnnnn!!"
Pick: Tennessee

Indianapolis at Houston
Apropos of nothing, Manny Ramirez just thanked God for his health, and promptly thereafter, Scott Boras for directing him to Los Angeles.
Pick: Indianapolis... after deceivingly careful consideration

Tampa Bay at Denver
Would really like to throw these grotesquely one-dimensional teams onto a pile and shuffle them like a deck of cards.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Cincinnati at Dallas
And the T. Eldo Owens meltdown is staved off for another week...
Pick: Dallas

Buffalo at Arizona
Let's see if I can go 0-16 picking Arizona games this season.
Pick: Arizona

New England at San Francisco
New England is a three-point favorite in this game. Yeesh. Fuck the public service announcements, go put some money on them.
Pick: New England

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
Next on the Steelers QB depth chart after Byron Leftwich? The guy who got busted for impersonating Ben Roethlisberger to bang chicks.
Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at New Orleans
Brad Childress still waiting for federal quarterback bailout.
Pick: Minnesota

Last week: 8-5
So far overall: 26-19

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