Convenient American League Preview

You don't have time to figure out all the VURPs and OOPS and GLUMPs of the baseball statistical set. But the constant cliches of the mainstream media just leave so much to be desired. You need something stupid and cliched, but with silly rules prepared by overly important boobs.

Don't you even sweat it, dudes and dudettes. Welcome to the only website where you can find Actual Baseball Analysis © in an easily digestible and convenient, yet fact-free format!

We here at Toooast are proud to present Previews of the Baseball Playoffs in poetic form! Today, the American League teams... in Haiku!

Angels
K-Rod Sets Record!!
[Bullpen phone rings] Jesus says:
“Stop pointing at me.”

Rays
No more Beast Master
Everyone born after “Tron”
Um, Na Ga Ha Pa

Red Sox
Cinderella to
World Champs, two times in four years
Now we all hate them

Twins
Former DC team
Gets new start in Twin Cities
Still hates Black people

White Sox
How good can you be
When your manager was caught
Raping monkeys? (Poop!)

Yankees
Greatest team ever
Aura, Mystique, Tradition
Did not make playoffs

Tomorrow: I write an Traditional Epic Poem for each National League contender! Stay tuned!

A Letter to the Gunslinger

To: Favre, Brett <lookhowmuchfunimhavingoutthere@nyjets.com>
From: Minaya, Omar <fourmoreyears@howdoyousayfailureinspanish.com>
Date: 28 Sep 2008
Time: 4:06 PM EDT

Yo Gunslinga! Que pasa?

I can't thank you enough, hombre -- SIX TOUCHDOWNS?!? Impressive. And I especially loved the "Eff-You" 2-point conversion when you guys were already ahead by three scores. Man, that's a headline-grabber if I ever saw one.

With the Giants on the bye week I thought we were ticketed for the back page of Murdoch's shitty rag no matter what, and you saved our culos.

It's football season in New York, baby!

Cheers,
O

.

Shortest. Sunday Crap-O-Rama. Ever.

I'm too engrossed in the current issue of Gigantic Asses to do much of a write-up of this week's slate of NFL games -- games which, suffice it to say, do not exactly make me want to copulate with my television set.

Off we go.

Minnesota at Tennessee
Frerotte vs. Collins: awful game in 2003, game of the week in 2008?
Pick: Tennessee

Denver at Kansas City
Chiefs now plowing Larry Johnson into the line on every down even when trailing by three scores in the second half just to keep him from throwing a tantrum.
Pick: Denver -- shakiest 4-0 team of all time?

San Francisco at New Orleans
Final straw in the case against Matt Millen: Replacing Mike Martz with small-screen doppelganger Barry Bostwick.
Pick: New Orleans

Arizona at NY Jets
Brett Favre: Like Viagra for geriatric football broadcasters. If you experience priapism -- an erection lasting more than four hours -- the game must have gone into overtime.
Pick: Arizona

Green Bay at Tampa Bay
Favre already agitating for a trade to Tampa Bay so he can throw the ball 67 times a game despite early-onset dementia.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Atlanta at Carolina
The Falcons are the only team that has existed since at least the '80s that has no Hall of Famers. (TB and SEA have one each; JAX may get one soon in Tony Boselli and BAL will have its first in five years in Jon Ogden.) And unless you count Deion Sanders as a Falcon, the organization's first Hall of Famer probably hasn't even been born yet. That is legendary mediocrity, but thankfully absolutely no one gives a shit.
Pick: Carolina

Houston at Jacksonville
Fuck Hall of Famers for the Texans -- how about a goddamn home game?
Pick: Jacksonville

Cleveland at Cincinnati
If you combined these two teams, 1943 "Phil-Pitt Steagles"-style, would the resulting assemblage of talent even finish 7-9? I say no.
Pick: Cincinnati

(Note: the actual 1943 Phil-Pitt Steagles, which technically represent the 11th year of the Philadelphia Eagles franchise, went 5-4-1. It was the Eagles' first winning season. Ooof.)

San Diego at Oakland
Al Davis was just waiting for a home game so he could fire Lane Kiffin personally over the stadium's PA system.
Pick: San Diego

Buffalo at St. Louis
How imcomprehensibly bad are the Rams? I actually benched Ben Roethlisberger to start Trent Edwards at QB on one of my fantasy teams this week (not in the Rat Bastard League), and I'm fucking giddy about it.
Pick: Buffalo

Washington at Dallas
I'll be rooting mightily for Washington, but the Cowboys will remain in full-on juggernaut mode until at least week 10.
Pick: Dallas

Philadelphia at Chicago
This may be raw homerism, but I'm pretty confident the Eagles could win this game with nothing but their defense and punting unit. Prove me wrong, Kid Whiskey.
Pick: Philadelphia

Baltimore at Pittsburgh
I'm pretty bullish on this Baltimore team, but I recognize it may be because I haven't seen them play yet. So let's not start quoting Winston Wolf quite yet.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Last week: 9-7
Overall: 18-14

Last and most importantly, Mr. Pigeons, one of our official mascots here at T!!!, is back home from the vet and doing quite well. He's now actually become so adept at swallowing pills that he's able to accidentally ingest all sorts of small household objects that will almost certainly cause him to choke and bazooka-barf all over the carpet.

.

In This Volatile Political Season, Do You Ever Wonder Where Your Fave Athlete's Allegiance Lies?

There may or may not be a Presidential debate tonight* and I can't help imagining if we'll get to see a solitary Barack Obama leaning against his lectern, tapping his fingers, whistling a little Lil Wayne while staring at the lonely red pulpit where John "Captain Super Genius" McCain should be, but instead is out saving burning babies while rescuing our economy. My attention has been entirely focused on the political follies of the last few weeks, at the expense of sports viewing (they're still playing baseball?) and especially my contributions to TOOOAST.

So, I figured, what better way to swing my consciousness back to the sports page and this blog than to research which athletes have thrown their spare change in to the guitar cases of McCain or Obama. Not that the opinions of uber-pampered, educationally-challenged professional athletes should swing anyone's voting preference, but maybe it'll be a little revealing and you may or may not like one of your fave athletes a little more.

So, without further filibustering, let's see the lists.**

McCAIN SUPPORTERS:
Mario Andretti
Bill Davidson
John Elway
Joe Gibbs
Luis Gonzalez
Roger Goodell
Spencer Hawes
Robert Kraft
Chuck Liddell
Nolan Ryan
Richard Petty
Curt Schilling (read the comments section to this post.)
Jason Sehorn
Roger Staubach
Norv Turner

OBAMA SUPPORTERS:
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Muhammad Ali
Charles Barkley
Shane Battier
Charlie Bell
Jerome Bettis
Chauncey B-B-B Billups
Baron Davis
Chris Duhon
Joe Dumars
Ben Eager
Donnie Edwards
Evan Eschmeyer
Darryl Hamilton
Grant Hill
Hulk Hogan
Phil Jackson
LeBron James
Magic Johnson
Shawn Johnson (can she vote yet?)
Michael Jordan
Derreck Lee
Sugar Ray Leonard
Shawn Marion
Joakim Noah
Greg Oden
Terry Porter
Craig Robinson (his bro-in-law)
Jimmy Rollins
Emmitt Smith
Lovie Smith
Rod Smith
Diana Taurasi
Bill Walton
Luke Walton
Roy Williams (the bad one)

A few notable differences leap out at me when I compare these lists:

1. McCain's list has the only 7'o" tall spare center who is an Ann Coulter lover.

2. Auto racing would appear to cross over a little more to the McCain campaign. Surprising, I know.

3. The only WNBA player to appear here is an Obama supporter, so either this list was compiled before the nomination of Sarah Palin, or Taurasi is a dude.

4. Piss poor NFL safeties are more likely to support Obama than McCain. (Insert McCain 'Hail Mary' joke here).

5. There are no UCLA alumni on McCain's list.

6. Obama's is much longer. His list, I mean.


Other than those listed above, I really don't see any discernible differences between the supporters of the two candidates.

At all.

None.

Really.

*UPDATE: There is a debate tonight as McCain will once again don his cape and fly with great speed to the venue to save the day.

**According to Wikipedia.

Nooooooo!!!! This is too Frightening!

Screen grabs are fun.

Matt Millen is so gone. Never to be seen or heard from again.

However, as I wrote before, legendary hockeydouche Claude Lemieux may be seen again. In an arena entirely too close for comfort.

From ESPN Insider today:




Looks like it's time to dust off the old Calgary Flames gear as the Stars may be dead to me soon.

In Defense of Matt Millen

It’s a sad day in the sports world. Pro sports longest monarchy (because what had Millen done to deserve his job besides inheriting it from God?) is finally gone. The King has been executed.

Soon the Lions will be just like every other mediocre sports franchise. They'll bounce from moderately successful head coach to moderately unsuccessful head coach, occasionally fielding an adequate defense, occasionally making the playoffs, occasionally happening onto star players and mostly failing to capitalize on them and even maybe going so far as to demonize them for their talent. Ahh, to dream.

I’m sure all that sounds great to Lions fans right now. As a great American might say, “Mmm… mediocrity…” But, to me, Millen’s departure leaves a giant void (not unlike the quality of his drafts) in the American sports landscape. What other runner of a sports franchise is wholly unqualified for their job? Who else's idiocy provides the pure enjoyment that Millen's did?

Al Davis? He’s older than oil, but before his brain turned to bat guano (sometime during the Jurassic period) he was actually forward thinking and successful. Had he not been recently fired, the obvious dropper of Millen's torch would be Isiah Thomas, whose penchant for sexual harassment combined with his inability to either run or coach a basketball team had all the watch-ability of a gasoline truck colliding with a bus full of retarded kids during rush hour on the interstate. Thomas was one of those “it’s better to burn out than to fade away” guys. He had a much higher (lower?) “peak” than Millen, though Millen’s tenure (inexplicably) lasted far longer.

Unfortunately, I’m not as up on all the people who run hockey and basketball franchises now, so I’d beg BMFS and Snizza to put in their two cents on this issue, but as far as football and baseball goes Millen’s departure leaves a paucity of inexplicable and repetitious idiocy. The only two who could even sniff Millen’s jock are Arizona Cardinals owner Bill Bidwell and whoever owns the Seattle Mariner’s, and neither of them is nearly as moronic, derelict in their duties, nor repeated their own mistakes as often as Millen.

To be fair, Millen is a hard act to follow, though not in the traditional sense. No, in the traditional sense, he’s the perfect act to follow because anything you do short of smearing your feces on the wall during your introductory press conference will be deemed a smashing success.

Most people will be happy to see Millen go. And, sure, he probably deserved to be fired moments after he was hired. However, sports are entertainment, and the sad truth to me is the Lions will be much less entertaining now that Matt Millen isn’t in charge.*


*If there’s any justice, Millen will immediately be hired by the Patriots.

If We Don't Mention This, Are We Really A Sports Blog?

Sorry to bump your post so soon, Snizza, but I feel as though we would be remiss if we didn't mention this:

Matt Millen: out as Lions President and GM.

"Matt Moron," we hardly knew ye. Eh... what the hell am I talking about? We knew ye all too well. On behalf of all fans of doomed, inept franchises: Go piss up a rope, fuckstick!

I wonder if William Clay Ford, Jr, actually summoned Millen to Detroit to pinkslip him, or if he just called Millen at home in Pennsylvania.

And only two days ago I made my first joke about the Lions getting the first overall pick in the 2009 draft and selecting Michael Crabtree. Damn.

Millen may still have a future in NFL front offices. As pointed out out by salon.com's King Kaufman, while the Lions have managed a pitiful 26 wins over the past 5 years, there is another franchise that has managed a mere 19 over that same time frame.

So Millen might expect a call -- and a renewed mandate to draft Crabtree -- from this man shortly:























.

If This Happens, the Stars Get a Flaming Bag o' Nutz!

I saw the headline, and my stomach immediately turned.

Based on recent history, my fears weren't totally unfounded as I've been kicked in the sack before by my favorite hockey team with similar moves that I hated. In fact, my team has actually signed this player before, and it made me sick then, but it would cause me to desert the team if it happens again.

The headline that caused such intestinal discomfort?

CLAUDE LEMIEUX HINTS AT RETURN.

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Tell me if you've seen this formula before:

Washed-up veteran/agitator + Looking for a final contract before the league tells him to fuck off = Dallas Stars free agent acquisition.

Pierre Turgeon.
Valeri Kamensky.
Scott Young.
Eric Lindros.
Matthew Barnaby.
Sean Avery.




Oh ya, I forgot one: Claude Lemieux! We've been down this road before and it was a gigantic waste of time then. I immediately thought of people saying, "Hey! What about a line of Steve Ott, Sean Avery and Claude Lemieux! No one would want to play us!!"

And I wouldn't want to watch either.

This whole post is a knee-jerk, and I don't think it'll happen, but the mere thought of it has me tasting my lunch for a second time.

The Reactionary Rams Coach: Week Three

The Rams have been terrible since Scott Linehan took over as head coach. Could be a coincicence; their talent base is lousy and they've had a lot of injuries.

Nope -- not a coincidence. Scott Linehan is an imbecile.

In a remarkably wrongheaded decision aimed squarely at salvaging his job for a couple of weeks -- "hey, at least I'm tryin' to get this thing straightened out over here" -- Linehan has benched QB Marc Bulger and replaced him with backup Trent Green. The classic case of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Bulger is one of the few functioning pieces of the Rams' team, but his offensive line is an absolute sieve, meaning he's running for his life to even get the ball out of his hands. (And he's been sacked 11 times in three games.) Further, he's got one functional WR -- Torry Holt, who draws double coverage (at least) on every play -- and no one else who can get open. These guys couldn't get open in the time span of a normal five-step drop, let alone in the 1.3 seconds Bulger's O-line allows him to set and throw.

Trent Green, once a terrific and underrated QB, has been hauled off the field on a spineboard, unconscious, in each of the last two NFL games in which he has appeared. I'm honestly a little afraid to see what'll happen to him against Buffalo this Sunday.

To sum up: Scott Linehan is risking Trent Green's long-term health in a completely pointless, doomed effort to buy himself another couple weeks of employment as the head coach of the St. Louis Rams.

(Yes, I know Green should have retired if he wasn't willing to accept certain risks, but... for this pointless act of desperation?)

But take heart, Ram partisans: At least your owner doesn't send front-office employees to confront sportswriters in front of a locker room full of people and accuse them of engaging in illicit acts with other Bay Area writers. Yet.

----------------------

Also, here is a little "taste test" for you: Peep this and rank it on a scale of "crass" to "fucking awesome." I rank it a 9, or "wicked pissah!"

.

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Three

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

On Sunday, the Washington Redskins won the third game of their season against the Arizona Cardinals by a score of 24-17. Their record currently stands at 2-1.

HO-LEE SHIT! THE REDSKINS TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THE CARDINALS WIDE OPEN ANUS AGAINST THEIR WILL!! JUST LIKE YOU DO TO A RETARDED KID PLAYING WITH LINCOLN LOGS! WE ATE ‘EM UP LIKE A DIRTY TAMPON! CURT WARNER WAS BEATEN LIKE HIS WIFE! JESUS HISSELF COULDN’T STOP THE MOMENTOUS MONKEYSMACK FROM FLOWING LIKE THE RIVER GANGES!

REV UP THE BANDWAGON, JIZ SLURPERS!! ITS TIME FOR TONY ROMOSEXUAL AND THE DALGALS!! AFTER WE BEAT THEIR ASS WE’RE DROPPING THEM BACK IN THE SHITTY DIAPER BAG!! FUCKING SKINS FUCKING ARE FUCKING GOING FUCKING ALL FUCKING THE FUCKING WAY!!

HOLY SHIT!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Hallmark Card Company, whose fabulous products help make people happy. Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best!]

Skins/Cowgirls: Its F'n On, Bitches!

The Federal Government is bailing out Wall Street to the tune of a hundrenty bizillion dollars, the war with Iraq shows no signs of slowing up, and John McCain, the leading presidential candidate, has a campaign based almost completely on lies in full swing. But, for one week, nobody in DC cares, cause its Dallas Week! Dallas Week is the time to get overly excited because this week's results are measured in and of themselves. Whether Washington is 0-8 or 8-0, the season becomes a certain measure of successful if they beat Dallas.

During the last fifteen football seasons, despite a few big wins, Redskin fans haven't had much to cheer for during Dallas week. Will this year be different? Probably not, but hey, when you're 2-1 and coming off two good wins against decent teams, you are afforded the right to dream. That is until that dream is smashed by the fist of god as he reaches down through the hole in the roof of Texas Stadium and flicks your starting QB's knee until his ACL pops like an old rubber band.

Are the Redskins dumbass material*, or is this just a farce perpetrated by some lucky bounces, a couple lousy teams playing on the road, and Dan Snyder quietly paying off officials in the back room? Right now, I'm voting for the former, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some genuine improvement in this team. Also wouldn't be surprised if Snyder was paying someone off.

I'm not calling for a Skins win on the road against what may be the best team in the NFL, but it wouldn't shock me either. In any case, its Dallas week, bitches. Time to git ya game on.

*Ever see that commercial where a guy is being interviewed by someone named "Mr. Dumas"? The interviewee is going off about how he's "Dumb-ass material all the way!" until the interviewer says, "The name is Dumas [pronounced Doo-Mah-ss]." Me likee.

A JPEG Is Worth A Thousand Expletives

I am a terrible fantasy football player. This is not a matter of debate. I've made an incalculable number of horrible decisions over the years, most of which have been compounded by the residue of these decisions, ie, bad luck.

But nothing can compare to this. This is the greatest debacle in my disgraceful fantasy football career.























And my opponent this week is a fucking Dolphins fan.

.

Around the NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM) Week 3: Skeet Skeet Skeet!!

Another week of life is gone, never to return. Its pretty sad when you think about it. You’re just one week closer to the nothingness of death. So…

WHOO HA and welcome to another exciting episode of Around the NFL with Matty! (ATNFLWM!) Redirecting “life is meaningless, I’m going to die!” fear since 1996.

Its Week 3 in the NFL, and that means its time for our annual Look At New Rules The NFL Has Seen Fit To Hoist On Us During The Off Season While We Weren’t Paying Attention (LANRTNFLHSFTHOUDTOSWWWPA).

But first, its time to pay the bills:

Around The NFL With Matty is sponsored by!

Gay brand Straws! They bend and turn and twist so much, you’ll know they’re Gay!

And by:

The American Institute for the Incurious: Not Studying Anything, Since 1878

And by:

Carbon Paper! Did you know if you roll up Carbon Paper, light it and inhale you’ll get fucked up? Its true! Carbon Paper! Its coming back!

Now, lets take our annual Look At New Rules The NFL Has Seen Fit To Hoist On Us During The Off Season While We Weren’t Paying Attention (LANRTNFLHSFTHOUDTOSWWWPA)!

Rule 1: Facemask Penalty
Change: Elimination of the 5 yard facemask penalty
Comment: This change won’t mean a harsher penalty for all facemasks so much as it means no penalty for most facemasks. By rule, “A player’s head must almost twist off to necessitate throwing the flag.”
Effect: The always forward thinking Cowboys franchise has already taken advantage of this rule change, just about twisting off the heads of several players during the first two weeks. But, hey, what ya gonna do? Life is unfair when you’re playing against the big blue star.

Rule 2: Randomly Fucking Up the Call
Change: Officials are now allowed to substitute their own logic for that of the NFL rulebook. Or, if they feel like it, they can substitute no logic at all.
Comment: This rule change gives the officials leeway to explain the unexplainable. For example, if the coin flip gets screwed up the official can just cite “Free property rights of 1787” or “Itchy and Engorged Genitals.” As long as he cites something, ain’t nuth’n you can do about it, coach. Cause its all good.

Rule 3: Favorite Team Act
Change: Officials are now allowed to designate a single “Favorite Team” before each game they officiate. That team will be the beneficiary of about a million ticky-tack calls. All effort will be made by officiating crew to ensure that “Favorite Team” wins.
Comment: All the phantom holding penalties, illusory pass interference calls, and imaginary unsportsmanlike fouls that occur against one poor and unsuspecting team (coached by Norv Turner) during a game are now completely justified.

And now its time to pick the games till they scab and bleed!

But first! These picks are made of a highly volatile chemical, and as such should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Or used.

Kansas City at Atlanta
-Bobby Petrino, Michael Vick and Arthur Blank: You’d think these three wouldn’t have a problem sinking a franchise. Forget about on-field quality, it’s a testament to the strength of the NFL that the Falcons still exist.
-Chiefs’ fans still experiencing post-Super Bowl III glow.
-ATNFLWM is proud to present the third official Michael Vick Dog-Fighting Joke of the 07-08 NFL Season (FOMVD-FJOT07-08NFLS):
Federal authorities were alerted anonymously when, to thank all his linemen for their hard work protecting him, Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick gave them all pit-bull skin underware.
Pick: Falcons

Oakland at Buffalo
-Unable to contain himself until after this week's game, Al Davis has been firing pieces of his clothing. "Yoo-uh fiah'd, pants!"
-Apparently, Raiders like running backs so much they decided to use one at Quarterback.
-Who gave the Bills permission to be good? Lemme see your paperwork, bitches.
Pick: Buffalo

Tampa Bay at Chicago
-The fact that the Bears have never had a competent QB in their 100 years of existence tells us one of the following: 1) Quarterbacks can't be that important, or 2) the people who run the bears must eat their own shit for breakfast.
-Brian Griese listed as questionable after being hit with a practice cannonball.
Pick: Bucs

Houston at Tennessee
-Houston’s lack of zoning laws has led to Jim and Laurie Jackson constructing below-ground family pool at fifty yard line of Reliant Stadium.
-All team bus’ tires popped simultaneously when over-zealous Titans fans wished team well by throwing thumbtacks.
Pick: Tennessee

Carolina at Minnesota
-Metrodome neither a metro nor a dome. Discuss.
-Tavaris Jackson neither a Jackson nor a quarterback. Discuss.
Pick: Minnesota

Miami at New England
-How easy is patriots schedule? Next week they face Ms. Turtlehorn’s third grade class from Albert Einstein Elementary.
-Patriots quarterback Matt Cassell dealing with new-found fame by fucking anything that moves.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at NY “NY Gay Giants” Giants
-Farrell-On-The-Bench says: EH-VEH-VEH-VEH-VEH-VEH-HEH-HEH-HEH! EH?
Pick: NY “Condoms are for losers!” Giants

Arizona at Washington
Buckling to internal pressure, Redskins coach Jim Zorn has said that now all playbooks will feature pictures of Chris Cooley's wang.
-Jim Zorn so honest and straight-forward, he spent the majority of his Friday afternoon press conference debunking John McCain’s economic plan.
Pick: (homer alert) Redskins!

Detroit at San Francisco
-Lions new 'all wide receiver defense' not working out as planned
-Add ‘straight women’ to teams Mike Martz has turned around.
Pick: San Francisco

St. Louis at Seattle
-Seattle wide receiver is NFL's version of spinal tap drummer
-Rams offensive line working on their bucket lists.
Pick: Seattle

New Orleans at Denver
-In tribute to home city, saints offense struggling to stay above water.
-Jay Cutler looks like he’s been hanging with Harold and Kumar over at White Castle.
-New and improved Broncos running game now features beer
Pick: Denver

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
-Safest way for Andy Reid to store his money? Without Bar-B-Q sauce.
-Steelers finally planning on buying logos for the other side of their helmets. “I feel like, you know, you only live once, why not just spend the money?” said an excited Dan Rooney, XIXIVVIXICV
Pick: Steelers

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
-Inexplicably Colts playbook features instructions on how to change a baby’s diaper.
-In bow to political correctness, Colts are now from Nativeamericanapolis.
Pick: Colts

Cleveland at Baltimore
-Much like Cleveland, Browns quickly going down the shitter.
-How old is Ravens defense? Before they tell you, kindly turn that music down, sonny.
Pick: Baltimore

Dallas at Green Bay
-Hole in new Texas Stadium roof rumored to be monument to Roy Williams' mastery of zone defense.
-Massive new Texas Stadium proves only thing not “Texas-sized” is Jerry Jones’ penis.
Pick: Green Bay

NY Jets at San Diego
-In preparation for this week's game, Brett "the gunslinger" Favre held up convenience store on 27th Street and 6th Ave.
Pick: San Diego

Next Week: I explain how to get off using only a watermelon, a carrot peeler and an industrial-strength microwave. Stay tuned!

The Brewers' Pants Are Filled with Poopy. Now Here's a Football Post.

HEYOOOOOO!! Fresh off a 9-7 showing in Week 2 -- which is downright fecund when you consider I cheated -- the man no one calls BMFS is back with an all-new* Sunday Crap-O-Rama! Time to premedicate with antiemetic agents, if you know what I mean.**

(*May include recycled jokes from 2004, featuring Jeff Garcia taking the place of Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese taking the place of Brian Griese.)

(**You don't. No one does. No one ever does. But you might barf.)

Before we get started, we ask that you make an itty-bitty offering to the Mojo Man or your bag of chicken bones or whatever, as our cat, Mr. Pigeons, is detained until Monday at the local veterinary clinic with a big plastic collar strapped over one end of him and a catheter sticking out the other end. We hope you'll be OK, Pidgie.

Now onto a slate of games that might have had some appeal before the regular season actually started, but now looks like a steaming platter of bat guano:

Kansas City at Atlanta
Well, OK, this game would have looked like a fart sandwich before the season started. Like Brett Favre, Herman Edwards makes a lot of dumb decisions and looks like he's having a regular ol' hootenanny making them.
Pick: Atlanta

Oakland at Buffalo
When Lane Kiffin refused to quit this offseason, Al Davis resorted to holding his breath until he turned blue. He still hasn't breathed. Or died.
Pick: Buffalo

Tampa Bay at Bears
Offenses in this game at DEFENSE/STs IN THIS GAME (-9.5)
Pick: Tampa Bay

Carolina at Minnesota
When Gus Frerotte is viewed as a solution, rather than something desperately requiring a solution, things are not good.
Pick: Carolina

Miami at New England
Patriots' illicit videotapes not actually destroyed by Roger Goodell; were awarded to Dolphins, who are 1-10 since receiving them.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at New York They Killed Uncle Freddie Giants
PSLs at new Giants Stadium cost up to $10,000 per seat; licensing fee of $64 per game required to show up at Gate F and scream at girls to show their breasts.
Pick: New York My Ladies Don't Remember The '80s Giants

Houston at Tennessee
Time to finally admit it: Merril Hoge was right about Vince Young all along. It was Hoge who said Vince would cry a lot and be consumed with thoughts of suicide... right?
Pick: Tennessee

Arizona at Washington
When I look for flaws in the Cardinals, I still start with "they're the Cardinals." If they were someone else, I'm pretty sure they'd be good.
Jason Campbell is an inevitable Donovan McNabb injury away from being the best black QB on Earth.
Pick: Arizona

Detroit at San Francisco
How confident do you think Matt Millen is that his team will win this game? Like, is he 99% sure? 135% sure? Does he get the schedule and go through each game like, "That's a win, that's a win, that's a win... We're gonna be awesome this year!"?
Pick: San Francisco

St. Louis at Seattle
In order to lose to the Rams, it's going to take a performance the likes of which we see maybe once a season league-wide. In fact, I don't think it can be done without Herman Edwards' involvement.
Pick: Seattle

New Orleans at Denver
Broncos already declared the winner of this game. The result is not reviewable.
Pick: Denver

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
Like the rest of Philadelphia, the Eagles seem mentally stuck in the '70s... which explains why they typically wilt against the Steelers.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
New equimpent ordered by Jack Del Rio arrived at Jaguars camp this week: Blocking sleds shaped like gigantic BumperNutz.
Pick: Indianapolis

Cleveland at Baltimore
LOST:
Romeo Crennel's mind
Braylon Edwards' hands
Cleveland's will to live
Three football games
Pick: Baltimore

Dallas at Green Bay
Pacman Jones must have had a great game Monday, because I barely saw him on TV, meaning they weren't even throwing at him. He's gonna make it rain cheez curds this week. Bring tha muthafuckin' ruckus. I insist.
Pick: Dallas

Actual wagering note -- Load up on the Cowboys early, then bail later in the season. I'm starting to think it's systematic the way they wear themselves out and fade down the stretch each season.

New York Jets at San Diego
How much Favre hagiography can you take? Me, I'm gonna mute the TV, cue up Metal Machine Music, and set off the smoke detectors.
Pick: J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets

.

Around The Majors: Playoffs-Minus-Derek-Jeter Edition!

With about ten games remaining, lets go around the League!

(Of note, this is mostly a post about sports. There will be very few mentions of poop. The author will resume writing about excrement soon. He promises.)

AL East
Last night's Tampa win over Boston gave them a two game lead over their division rivals. With no more games to play against each other, the current standings look likely to be the final standings as well. Give this one to those over-achieving Rays.
Predicted Winner: Rays

AL Central
The White Sox are up on the Twins by 2.5 games with ten to go. But, not so fast, because three of those are in Minnesota. The Twins might have a slightly tougher road to go though, because although they play their last six at home, they have four in Tampa before that. I'm calling this one for the Sox.
Predicted Winner: White Sox

AL West
The Angels are 18.0 games up on the Rangers. Call it!
Actual Winner: Angels

AL Wild Card
The Red Sox have a 7.0 game advantage over Minnesota. Its going to be the Sox unless they catch the Rays, in which case it'll be the Rays.
Predicted Winner: Red Sox

NL East
Those Phight'n Phils are somehow (read: Mets bullpen) ahead of New York again. They're only 1/2 game up with one more win. The remaining schedule doesn't tell us jack, either. The Phils have the following: 4 vs. ATL (3 at home), 3 @ FL, and then finish up with 3 vs. WAS. The Mets will finish their collapse up with 1 more in DC, 3 in ATL, 4 vs. the Cubs, and then 3 vs. the Fish. This one'll come down to the wire.
Predicted Winner: Phillies?

NL Central
This one was close about a month ago, but the Cubs have pulled away from Milwaukee. They're currently up by 8 games. Call it!
Predicted Winner: Cubbies

NL West
Manny for MVP! Actually, that's pretty stupid, but Manny has made a huge difference for the Dodgers. What people are ignoring while their sniffing Manny's odoriferous jock is that his arrival coincided with an offensive revival up and down the lineup for LA. In any case, the Trolley Dodgers are up on the D-bags by 3.5 with 10 to go. The schedule essentially hands the division to LA as they have games remaining against Pittsburgh, San Francisco and San Diego, while the Bags have four at St. Louis, six vs. Colorado, and one more against the Giants.
Predicted Winner: LA

NL Wild Card
This one is a bit more complex. The Mets have a 0.5 game lead on Milwaukee, but are only 0.5 games behind the Phillies for the AL East lead. If the Phils keep winning like I expect them to, then it'll be the Mets or the Brewers, but if the Phils tank they could easily fall out of contention giving the Wild Card to Milwaukee. The Brewers recently took the mostly unprecedented step of firing their manager in the midst of a playoff push (OK, Yost is a moron, but still), so you could say they're experiencing some turmoil up in the Samich City and you wouldn't be wrong. Its likely that the Brewers are going to keep falling off a cliff and the Wild Card will go to the loser of the NL East. I'll go with that for now.
Predicted Winner: Mets

If I'm 100% right (which is 100% unpossible), then the match ups for the first round of the playoffs will look like this:

AL
Red Sox (WC) at Angels (ALW) - By virtue of the best record, the Angels "get" to face their nemesis in the playoffs, the reigning champion Red Sox. Wow, what a prize.

White Sox (ALC) at Rays (ALE) - Normally there would be some question as to the seedings, but MLB says the WC winner can't face a team from their division in the first round, so we know the Rays will face the White Sox.

NL
Mets (WC) at Cubs (NLC) - The Cubs have the best record in the NL sown up. They'll play the WC winner.

LA (NLW) at Phillies (NLE) - The winner of the East is going to have a better record than the winner of the West, so this match up will most likely be the Dodgers vs either Phils or Mets.

Of note, if the Brewers pull out the Wild Card they won't be allowed to play the Cubs so the match ups will be completely different.

[Edit: Now with spelling!]

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week Two

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan appears weekly throughout the NFL season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the Washington Redskins' season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]

On Sunday, the Washington Redskins won their second game of the season against the New Orleans Saints last night by a score of 29-24. Their record currently stands at 1-1.

HOLY SHIT! WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING MONKEY SHIT GAME THAT WAS!! THE SKINS SCORED LIKE A SAILOR IN A WHORE HOUSE WHO DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT VD! THEY TOLD THE SAINTS, "GET ME SOMETHING TO BEAT YOU WITH!" AND THE SAINTS CAME BACK WITH A GIANT CEMENT DILDO!! THE NEW ORLEANS SECONDARY TOOK CHRIS COOLEY'S WANG TO THE CORNHOLE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! MARK MY WORDS, SHITHEADS, THE REDSKINS ARE GOING TO FUCKING WIN THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL!! THEY'RE GOING TO SODOMIZE THE NFC LIKE THE VIETCONG DID TO JOHN MCCAIN!! NEXT WEEK, THEY'RE GOING TO BEND KURT WARNER'S WIFE OVER A SPLIT RAIL FENCE, PUT ON A COWBOY HAT AND WHOOOO HOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH BLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

HOLY SHIT!!

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, Ford Motor Company, whose fabulous products help make the world a better place. Wouldn't you rather own a Ford? ]

Around Sports: Chris Cooley, Naked Spy; Jorge Posada: Still A Dick

I've been out away from the 'scene' recently so I complete missed Redskins Tight End Chris Cooley exposing more than his tight end on his blog. Lets just call it my good fortune, similar to when you open a fortune cookie and there are two fortunes in it. (Assuming they both don't say "you die now.") This is another reason to love Curt Schilling. Not only does he go out of his way to insult Yankee fans at every available opportunity, but when you open his blog you never have to worry about man meat popping up.

OK, so Cooley likes to show off his junk online. Fine. Who doesn't, really?* The real problem comes when he starts publishing sections of the Redskins playbook. That could be considered, oh... how to put it? Stupid? No... Ah! Incredibly stupid! Giving away potential trade secrets, especially when the giving of those trade secrets could cause you or one of your close buds to get his block knocked off, doesn't strike me as anything overly wise.

Of course, Chris Cooley was a prisoner of war and spent seven years being repeatedly ass-raped by the French Underground. So that makes it all OK.

Next topic!

Just about every time Yankees catcher/check-casher/dumbo-impersonator Jorge Posada opens his yapper you can bet something dickish is going to come out. Take yesterday for example. During an interview with the Yankees-owned Yes Network (also known as, and I did not make this up, Al-Yankzeera), Posada started talking smack about the Red Sox and... Pedro Martinez? Yes, the former Red Sox pitcher who hasn't pitched for Boston in going on four years was the subject of Posada's mis-directed ire. From the horses anus:

I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat, after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer. It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class.

The incident he's referring to took place in 2003, which if I do my math correctly, is 76 years ago. I'm not even going to defend Pedro here because the play happened so long ago I can't possibly fight through five years of Yuengling to recall exactly what went down. It certainly couldn't have, in any way shape or form, been the fault of poor (poop!) old Don Zimmer, a paragon of virtue and possessor of the world's Levelest Temper (as named so by 'Sure, Man. Whatever Magazine').

Shortly after the incident took place, Horatio Sanz played Don Zimmer on Saturday Night Live in a sketch called "The Don Zimmer Show." The 'show' consisted of Zimmer having guests who would sit down on the couch and chat. But in a matter of seconds they'd say something that Zimmer would perceive as a slight and he'd get up and, like he did to Pedro in '03, bull rush them. Again like Pedro, they'd simply redirect him onto the floor and he'd roll around for a minute, then get up and start crying because he was so embarrassed. I badly wanted to find a picture of this, but I couldn't, so I had to settle for Sanz doing Elton John, which is almost as funny.

*Who doesn't like to show off their dong online? Well, other than me, apparently Chris Cooley. Cooley somehow didn't know the picture was up on the blog and has summarily taken it down.**

**Every time the words "up" or "down" are written in relation to Chris Cooley's dingus I feel like I'm making some bad pun***, when I'm really not.

***I have a theory that a pun takes five minutes off your life. Go ahead, disprove it.

Around the NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM) Week 2: Gaining Ground On Elimination

YOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THE REDSKINS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Hello again, and welcome to another exciting episode of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM). Its only Week 2 in this the NFL Season of Our Lord Two Thousand and Eight, and already do we have a turning of the proverbial tables? Yes! We do!

It seems that the Patriots are suddenly vulnerable, now that they’ve lost their starting quarterback. In that vein, this week we present a report from ATNFLWM’s NFL Insider (ATNFLWM’SNFLI), Dirk Johansson. Dirk?

Dirk: Thanks, Matty. The New England Patriots, everyone’s mostest favoritest team of ever and ever, has lost their handsomest player, the ever-pouty-with-just-a-wee-bit-of-chest-hair-showing Tom Brady. Brady put together one of the greatest portfolios in NFL history last season, with great sexy-and intense-looking showings in Men’s Magazine, GQ, Men’s Health, Cigar Aficionado, and Cat Fancy. With Brady’s passionate, deep-set eyes and firm, sculpted backside, the Patriots were bound to repeat as the Sexiest Team In The NFL (STITNFL) this season. But fate is a cruel mistress, Matty. Last week some sweaty football man fell into Brady’s knee, injuring him during what appeared to be a football game. Just like that [snaps fingers!] any chance Brady has of being featured on the cover of anything other than a medical journal went up in a puff of foundation and a spritz of bronzer.

The Patriots turned the reigns of Sexist Football Player over to Matt Cassell. Cassell is as unlikely a carrier of this mantle as any. During his seven year college and pro career Cassell has yet to be featured in a major publication, let alone grace its cover with any chest hair showing. Cassell’s greatest moment to date as an NFL quarterback was when he noticed some toilet paper sticking out of Brady’s pants just before an important photo shoot. He alertly alerted an un-alert Brady and a catastrophic sequence of events was avoided.

Cassell’s prosperous career as a backup is based entirely on his ability to stand on the sideline and cross his arms while simultaneously furrowing his brow and looking like he’s paying attention. Reportedly, he has even had sex multiple times. Still, licking some drunken groupie’s moist snatch is nothing compared to the pressure of standing in front of some of the greatest fashion photographers while holding the arm of some model who doesn’t speak English and trying to look like you don’t care.

Still, pressure or not, with Brady off in some sweaty-jock smelling back room doing leg lifts for the next twelve months, all cameras will be fixated on Cassell. For the Patriots sake, lets hope he can look hot with his shirt unbuttoned as well as he can hold a clipboard.”

Thanks, Dirk. That is some hard-hitting insider analysis.

As always, we have to thank our sponsors here at ATNFLWM. ATNFLWM is brought to you by

Shit Eater! The new film starring Rob Schneider! What would happen if an ordinary business man was, through a freak accident, suddenly hungry for his own shit?! Soon the CIA learns about his amazing power and has to learn its secrets! But not if the Midgit Mafia has anything to say about it! What will happen?!? Hilarity will ensue, of that we can be certain! Come see Shit Eater, starring Rob Schneider!

And by…

The John McCain for President campaign! Did you know that Barack Obama is personally responsible for the 9/11 attacks? Its true!* Even factcheck.org says so!** Vote McCain, the Experienced Candidate Candidate of Change!

*Not technically true
**No they don’t.

And now its time to pick the games until the scab and bleed!

In deference to The Man, these picks will taste best with a fine peanut sauce and eight shots of cinnamon schnapps.

Chicago at Carolina
-A message for Kyle Orton and Matt Forte: things looked rosy for Michael Dukakis at one point too.
-Carolina D-line’s secret of success: don’t wipe.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Cincinnati
-Depression is a disease and shouldn’t be made fun of. Sucking, however, isn’t and should. Thus: Vince Young is made of poopy-poopy-turdy-poop!
-ATNFLWM Joke Of The Day (ATNFLWMJOTD):
Person 1: Knock knock!
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Carson Palmer!
Person 2: [sacks him]
Pick: Tennessee

Green Bay at Detroit
-Confused Green Bay fan buys “Aaron Rdgores” jersey
-Matt Millen preparing to draft another wide receiver.
Pick: Detroit

Buffalo at Jacksonville
-Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio working hard to incorporate more sharp potentially dangerous power tools into team building exercises
-Ghost of Marv Leavy thought to be haunting team headquarters until recent realization Marv Leavy isn’t dead.
Pick: Buffalo

Oakland at Kansas City
-Best change Raiders have to improve team next season is to employ an offensive line.
-Chiefs franchise having trouble escaping shadow of “Great Googily Moogily” guy from snickers commercials.
-Al Davis similar to John McCain in that they are both really old, don’t have a solid grasp on reality, and smell like mothballs.
Pick: Kansas City

Indianapolis at Minnesota
-We’re one small knee tweak from a Jim Sorgi/Matt Cassell playoff match-up. I’m erect in anticipation.
-Tavaris Jackson like Mike Vick minus talent and dog murder.
-To prepare for Vikings quarterback Tavaris Jackson in practice this week, Colts coach Tony Dungy employed a retarded clown.
Pick: Minnesota

NY “Stupid Sacks of Shit” Giants at St. Louis
-ATNFLWM has learned that last night at dinner a dropped a plate of mashed potatoes startled Eli into throwing an interception.
-If Rams are as bad as they looked last week, the Raiders may have some real competition this season.
-After last week’s terrible performance, Rams coach Some McDudeguy planning on putting in “a one ‘a them new fangled game plannings.”
Pick: NY “Generous and Giving” Giants

New Orleans at Washington
-Carlos Rogers Dropped Interception Counter: 2
-Redskins Coach Jim Zorn apparently hired for his honesty about how bad team sucks.
-Noticeably absent from Washington Running Back Clinton Portis’ list of alternate personalities: Pro Bowl Running Back
Pick: (Homer Alert) Redskins!!

San Francisco at Seattle
-Mike Martz preparing special ex-lax cookies to team for use in running backs’ pre-game snack table.
-Mike Nolan reportedly preparing for great post-game meltdown some time around Week 9. Nolan noted after Dennis Green’s great “Crown Their Asses” speech, he had some big shoes to fill. Best of luck, Mike!
-Stop! Mike Holmgren now to be referred to by me as That Fat Walrus.
Pick: Seattle

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
-Tampa coach John Gruden thinks best chance at success this season is to alienate starting quarterback by sitting him for no good reason.
-Always attentive Atlanta sports fans asleep.
Pick: Tampa

Miami at Arizona
-In order to “bring the pain” this week, Chad Pennington planning on hitting Cardinals defensive line with folding chair. A visibly tattooed Pennington grabbed the microphone and said, “I’m com’n for you, Cardinals. As far as I’m concerned you’re all a bunch of wusses!” Added Pennington while flexing, “Its on!”
-Like stadium roof, Cardinals offense is retractable.
Pick: Arizona

San Diego at Denver
-If coaching falls through Norv Turner has fall-back career as the Wal-Mart smiley face.
-Mike Shanahan keeps having dreams about losing his front teeth. Worst part comes when he finds out is they don’t make dentures that big.
Pick: San Diego

New England at NY Jets
-Eric Mangini’s incredible weight gain comes Mama Mangini’s Mega-Carb Pasta
-In order to correctly indoctrinate fans of Jets, Brett Favre plans trademarked 4th quarter game-killing interception.
Pick: New England

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
-Cleveland Rocks, but is not very good at football.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Dallas
-Eagles coach Andy Reid looks forward to yearly Dallas game as another chance to show team he can eat five Twinkie Dogs without immediately throwing up.
-Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson! Ha! Hilarious!
-Terrell “Moron M. Moron” Owens said this week that this Dallas team is better than Eagles team he went to Super Bowl with. This marks the least crazy thing he has said in the last year.
Pick: Dallas

Baltimore at Houston
-Matt Schaub named NFL Quarterback in the NFL by Modern Jew magazine.
-If NFL teams were named after things that were prevalent in that city, Ravens would be called Black Murderers.
Pick: Hurricane Ike

Next Week: I leave the soufflé in the oven for two minutes too long! Stay tuned!

The Cheaters’ Guide to the 2008 NFL Season

To commemorate the seismic event in Foxborough that will forever mark Week 1 of the 2008 NFL season, I’m offering my season preview column after a week of the season has already passed. That’s right, I’m cheating – I’m the Belichick of Bloggers!

Time to call our winners – 6.25% of precincts (i.e., one of 16 games) have reported.

AFC East
New England (11-5)
That’s right folks, right here at T!!!! you’ll find the only NFL season preview that factors in Tom Brady’s season-ending injury! Until last year the Pats were world-beaters because they had the best coach; then last year they were the best because they had the best QB? Vegas is buying it (see below), but I’m not. Well… Unless coaching Randy Moss automatically makes you a buffoon. The last three head coaches he had before Belichick were Mike Tice, Norv Turner, and Art Shell – I’m pretty sure they were all inept beforehand.

New York Jets (9-7)
Brett Favre’s charmed life continues with Brady’s injury; there’s no longer an 800-pound gorilla in the AFC East, even if the Patriots are still an excellent team. If there was some way for John Madden to credit Favre for Brady’s injury without sounding evil, he’d do it.

New England at New York Jets
The Jets are actually favored in this game. Wanna know what dumb smells like? Inhale now.
Pick: New England

Buffalo (8-8)
While week 1’s Jets/Dolphins match provided more fuel for the Favre hagiographers to spew their nonsense and make NFL viewers dumber, the Bills/Seahawks game provided some food for actual, relevant thought. For years, the Bills have had outstanding special teams and the Seahawks have had horrible special teams; now everyone knows it. Note that the Seahawks’ special teams coach is the once-excellent Bruce DeHaven, whom Wade Phillips “escapegoated” and fired after the Titans’ “Music City Miracle” in January 2000.

Miami (5-11)
The Big CarTuna has arrived on the scene, so even though the Dolphins are still totally bereft of talent, now they’re much better at absorbing pointless, profanity-laced tirades. That, plus a QB who can throw a football into the ocean from the beach, is good for at least 3 more wins, says I. (Actually, their Pythagorean record from last year’s 1-15 debacle was actually 4-12. But unless you watched Bills/Seahawks last week instead of Jets/Pats, you’ll never be able to comprehend such a concept.)

AFC North
Pittsburgh (10-6)
I may have had them slotted into second place behind the Ravens before their week-1 shellacking of the I-thought-they-were-supposed-to-be-good Houston Texans, but you can’t prove anything. Offensive line woes? Guess not.

Baltimore (9-7)*
I was a little dismayed that the Ravens went with rookie QB Joe Flacco to start the season, as though they were acknowledging this as a rebuilding year when, in fact, they have the talent to win this division. Week 1 proved they know better than I: apparently there is no such thing as a rebuilding year when Ray Lewis is on your team. He was an absolute beast against Cincinnati. And Flacco wasn’t too bad either.

Cleveland (7-9)
I was subjected to this team’s complete meltdown at the hands of the Cowboys in week 1, and no aspect of their performance was better than absolutely putrescent. Game planning, coaching, line play, skill position play, adjustments, general execution, effort – you name it, and the Browns’ version of it appeared completely moribund. They got no pass rush, but – although there was no mention of this made on TV by Troy Aikman – it’s because they dropped eight men into coverage on almost every down. Unfortunately, they still couldn’t cover Jason Witten. This, as you may ascertain, is a problem.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
If week 2 features anything even remotely resembling the versions of these teams that showed up in week 1, this is going to be a bloodbath.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Cincinnati (4-12)
Just like Cleveland, but more disorganized. Not even a viable source of quality fantasy players anymore. The sooner Marvin Lewis quits his job, the more likely he is to ever work in the NFL again.

AFC South
Indianapolis (10-6)
Looked like doody against the Bears in week 1, but other than Manning’s rust and Jeff Saturday’s injury, I don’t see many reasons this team shouldn’t win its division. They did it last year without Marvin Harrison and all three starting linebackers.

Jacksonville (9-7)*
I thought they were serious contenders for the division title until they lost half their offensive line in week 1. (Or did I? Matt Walsh didn’t videotape me addressing this.) About 2 weeks ago, a fellow Rat Bastard Leaguer asked me whether critically wounded offensive lineman Richard Collier was a starter. I replied that he wasn’t, which was true then, but now everyone on the depth chart ahead of him has been injured.

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Tune in and watch a gangly white cokehead from Arkansas gash the Buffalo defense worse than the entire Seahawks’ receiving corps did last week!
Pick: Jacksonville

Houston (8-8)
Based on their self-soiling performance in Pittsburgh, there is no way this team should win 8 games. However, they won 8 games last season and, given the health of Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson, they should be better, right? They can’t possibly be worse than they were last season, can they?

Baltimore at Houston
This game has been moved to Monday night (or perhaps rescheduled outright), so even fewer people will see it. I spent a lot of time thinking about who would win this game, and then I realized: Who gives a flying shit? No one’s reading this, and I don’t have any money on it.
Pick: Houston

Tennessee (8-8)
Cheer up, Vince Young: if you decide this NFL thing isn’t working out, you can move back to Austin, where you’ll be treated like a superhero – deservedly – for the rest of your life.

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Enumerate Cincinnati’s “intangibles” in one hand and take a shit in the other, and see if you can even tell the difference.
Pick: Tennessee

AFC West
San Diego (11-5)
Norv Turner -- still holdin’ on 16 after all these years. And so it goes…

Denver (9-7)
More bad news for Chad Osso Bucco: Reebok informed him he’ll have to wait at least another week to get his new name on his game jerseys; all the employees in their sweatshops will be stitching new Eddie Royal jerseys 24 hours a day for the next week.

San Diego at Denver
A loss here puts San Diego in almost the biggest possible hole after two weeks of a season. If it happens, I’m on the Denver bandwagon.
Pick: San Diego

Kansas City (6-10)
This would be a 9-7 team with a good quarterback. However, 68% of the quarterbacks who have ever played in the NFL slot in between “good” and where the Chiefs are right now.

Oakland (3-13)
Just fuckin’ die already, baby!

Oakland at Kansas City
Well, a slow car beats a stalled car every time. But what about a stalled car versus one that’s stuck in reverse and spewing clouds of noxious fumes?
Pick: Kansas City

NFC West
Seattle (9-7)
















Highway cop: Do you feel this football team is safe for NFL competition?
Mike Holmgren: Yes, I really do. It's not pretty, but it’ll get you where you wanna go.
Highway cop: You have no wide receivers.
Holmgren: They’re all lost.
Cop: You have no functioning running backs.
Holmgren: Nope, not a one.
Cop: Your quarterback is staggering around like a blind dog in a slaughterhouse.
Holmgren: Well… the linebackers still work. Clear as a bell!
Cop: I can't let you go.
Holmgren: Can't what?
Cop: It's not fit for the NFL. The team will be impounded until it's made safe for competition.
Holmgren: But we’re in the NFC West!
Cop: Oh. Well, carry on then. When do playoff tickets go on sale?

Arizona (9-7)
Not exactly a bold prediction, but the Cardinals will find a way to lose the most eminently winnable division in the history of the NFL.

Miami at Arizona
There’s a truism in hockey that goes thusly: “Hard work beats talent if talent doesn’t work hard.” That sentiment is applicable to at least three Cardinals losses a season. But don’t you have to have at least a little tiny bit of talent for this to work in the NFL?
Pick: Arizona

San Francisco (6-10)
Like the Chiefs, but with no one who can catch the ball either.

San Francisco at Seattle
I'd rather clean out the garage than try to come up with something relevant to say about this game, let alone actually watch the goddam thing.
Pick: Seattle

St. Louis (2-14)
The two wins you get in the NFC West for beating the Rams is equivalent to the 400 points you used to get on the SAT for filling in your name correctly. (No wonder America’s standardized test scores are falling…) Anyway, I checked – the Rams don’t play Detroit this year, but they do play Atlanta. So we’ll go with two wins.

New York Dr. Galakiewicz Giants at St. Louis
I’ll relish this game as the one and only time this season that I’m glad Eli Manning is my starting quarterback in the Rat Bastard Fantasy League.
Pick: New York Artie Lange’s Black Liver Giants

NFC North
Green Bay (11-5)
In his NFL starting debut, Aaron Rodgers looked as poised as the “after” guy in an adult diaper commercial. The Brett Favre hagiographers aren’t inclined to notice it, but every unit on this team is good; Favre wasn’t close to the only reason the Packers won their division last year. The team made Favre look great last season, not the other way ‘round. (In 2006 Favre looked like the “before” guy in the adult diaper commercial.)

Minnesota (10-6)
Welcome to the NFL, “Tiberius” Jackson: if you play well and your team still misses the playoffs, it’s your fault. Only Brett Favre gets a pass on things like this.

Indianapolis at Minnesota
One of these teams is going to start out 0-2. I’ll just stop there.
Pick: Indianapolis

Chicago (8-8)
They did an outstanding job keeping the skills of Matt Forte under their proverbial hat, but as of right this instant – Behold the virtues of cheating! – every team is going to defend the Bears the way they defend the Vikings. And it’ll work even better with the Bears than it works with the Vikings – whereas the jury is still out on Tiberius Jackson, we know Kyle Orton is terrible.

Detroit (3-13)
Friday, Bill Simmons wrote this:

“With any job, you're going to have your ups and downs. At some point, you have to decide whether the downs outweigh the ups to the point that it's not worth it for you to have that job anymore. You could call it a satisfaction/misery ratio. If that ratio swings past 20/80, it's time to go. Well, if you're Matt Millen and everyone in Detroit thinks you're incompetent, openly despises you and spends every waking moment pining for your departure, at some point wouldn't that reality outweigh Millen's salary as well as any fun he could ever have running a football team? He's probably afraid to pick up a newspaper or turn on the radio. He probably spends every dinner wondering if the cook hawked a loogie in his entree. He probably walks through the stadium on Sundays with his head down. And on top of that, his team is awful. You could say his satisfaction/misery ratio is at 5/95 right now. So why wouldn't he quit and go back to TV?”

This line of argument is wildly invalid – and has been so since Millen was hired – for a reason that actually supports Simmons’ argument: Millen doesn’t live in Detroit and never has. He lives in Pennsylvania and occasionally takes a flight to Detroit to drop in on a Lions game. This was warning sign number 1 when Millen was hired, and the worst case scenario has come to pass.

Green Bay at Detroit
Every year, without fail, Brett Favre, despite being a fucking superhero, would tank a division game for the Packers on the road by throwing three or four interceptions. (Last year’s Favre Gunslinging Catastrophe was at Soldier Field late in the season.) If the Packers no longer reap the benefits of having Jesus Fucking Lawnmower as their QB, they also don’t have to deal with his annual divisional pants-soiling.
Pick: Green Bay wins and covers

NFC South
Carolina (10-6)
The fact that Jake Of The Man’s arm didn’t fall off in San Diego is enough to bump the Panthers up two wins. The fact that they could very easily win both games during Steve Smith’s suspension is also a big deal.

Chicago at Carolina
If week 1 is Jump to Conclusions Week, week 2 is Flawed Logic Week. If Chicago beats Indy and Carolina beats Chicago, then Carolina is better than Indy… Right?
Pick: Carolina

New Orleans (10-6)*
Injuries are already crushing this team on both sides of the ball, but their offense is good enough to overcome Colston’s injury and the defense wasn’t any good to begin with.

Tampa Bay (9-7)
Jon Gruden smells a rat. And like TO’s boy says, if it smells like a rat, and it looks like a rat…

Atlanta (4-12)
If there are any Falcons die-hards out there (there aren’t), take heart: If the Falcons played the Lions every week, they’d go 16-0.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Atlanta’s arrow may be pointing up, but Tampa Bay still has enough going for it that they won’t be upset by an upstart, unknown-quantity team at home.
Pick: Tampa Bay

NFC East
Philadelphia (12-4)
If you’re a “glass half full” person (Note: there are no Eagles fans who are “glass-half-full” people), you have to like this team (Note: Eagles fans do not actually like the Eagles). No other team in the league played well enough to win 15 of their 16 games last season, with the notable exception of the Patriots, who actually won all 16 games. Given the same personnel and performance this season, the Eagles are much better than a .500 team. But with the additions of Asante Samuel, Chris Clemons, and DeSean Jackson; the health of Donovan McNabb and L.J. Smith; and a much easier schedule than last season, they should be even better.

Dallas (11-5)*
Seriously: how long can these motherfuckers keep coasting by on all this “God” bullshit? At some point they’re going to have to face the same adversity as every other team. (And if “adversity” is 11-5 and a Wild Card, sign me the hell up!)

Philadelphia at Dallas
This game opened at Dallas minus nine and a half. NINE AND A HALF! The last time these teams played each other, the Cowboys scored a total of SIX points and Tony Romo looked like that mook on the Weather Channel in the middle of Hurricane Ike in downtown Houston. You know, it’s tough to cover a nine-and-a-half-point line when you only score six.
Pick: Philadelphia

NY Giants (10-6)
A team that gets pretty consistent results from year to year but is defined week to week by its wildly inconsistent quarterback. Gummo Manning has been officially upgraded from “just good enough to get you beat.”

Washington (7-9)
Erect monkey dick, meet moist football.

New Orleans at Washington
This just strikes me as a bad matchup for the Redskins. If the Saints can get out to any sort of a lead in the first half, they can just sit back and watch the Redskins offense defecate all over itself. Washington may be a good team by the second half of this season, but they’re not worth much now.
Pick: New Orleans

(*Wild Card.)

Math Audit: The NFL Sucks!
I first projected records for each team individually off the top of my head and then added up the wins and losses to make sure the predictions are actually viable. Turns out I have such a low opinion of the current quality of NFL teams that I predicted the entire league to be 32 games under .500. Ooof.

Time to make some adjustments.

I adjusted New England and Buffalo up one game in the AFC East; Denver and San Diego in the AFC West; the entire NFC West; all NFC North teams but Chicago; Carolina and New Orleans in the NFC South; and all NFC East teams but Washington. Just know that I actually believe all these teams are approximately 13.5% suckier than their projected records indicate.

Tony Romo: World's Luckiest Man

Good thing Tony Romo seems like an eminently decent guy; otherwise it'd be even easier to resent him for his dalliances with Jessica Simpson.

(Yes, I know she's as dumb as a bag of hammers; she's still a 10. Just admit it.)

Position your mind squarely in the gutter and view this recent photo of Jessica at a performance at the Grand Ole Opry:

Ooofah.

.

NFL Roundup, Featuring Mister Miyagi

"What a difference a week makes." How many stupid columnists have used that line this week? Well, add another to the pile, cause here I go.

The NFL was dropped on its collective arse this week when model, part-time quarterback and renowned Super Bowl choker Tom Brady injured his knee in a meaningless match up against the Kansas City Chiefs. Brady hobbled off the field and was placed on injured reserve the next day ending his season. Here's the weird part: Despite never missing a game, Brady has been listed on the injury report each week for the past three years. So now he's out for the year, but of course he isn't on this week's injury report even though he had frigg'n surgery yesterday.

Not that it matters. The Pats are Matt Cassell's team now, and the great hooded one (No no, not him. Him.) has some work to do. Solve this riddle: How do you win the Super Bowl with a quarterback who sucks? Anyone have Brian Billick's number? The Pats aren't the only ones left in the lurch. Everyone knows someone who drafted Brady with their first round pick in fantasy. Hell, I even tried to trade for Brady before the first game. Lucky that fell through.

In other news, if Week 1 is any indicator the NFC East looks killer this season. The Giants, who you may recall won last season's Super Bowl, look to be the worst team in the division. That's assuming you don't count the Redskins, who (in sing-songy baby voice) are still learning their new offense. Its so neeeew! And its so haaaaaard! (End sing-songy baby voice)

Meanwhile, the Eagles and Cowboys won their games by a combined score of of 66-13. Of course those wins came against the Rams who may be the only team in the NFL who score higher on the Suck-o-Meter than Washington**, and Cleveland. Cleveland is an interesting team because everyone is on their bandwagon (come on, admit it!) but they're probably not that good. They have a very strong core of players at the skill positions, so they have notoriety, but they don't have a defense.

Mister Miyagi Says: to win a Super Bowl, or even most NFL games, one must field a defense.

Getting back to the NFC East, the Eagles travel to Dallas to face the Cowboys next Monday night. Imagine, a game worth actually feeling like garbage the next day for.

**A betting site has the Redskins at 100-1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season. That's third worst behind only Kansas City and Miami (both 150-1). Hat tip to the Washington Post's Redskins Insider.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your 2008 St. Louis Rams Offensive Line

.

Breaking Karmic Retribution News...

For at least the past three years, Bill Belichick has been doing what I call the "Fuck-You Shuffle" with his injury reports. He is legendarily evasive in reporting injuries, and Tom Brady has been listed as questionable in every single game for the past three full seasons, without ever missing a game.

Even though Brady missed the entire preseason with a mysterious injury (or several), today was the first time since (I believe) 2004 that he wasn't on the injury report.

And he just left the game with a knee injury.

Fuck you, Belichick. Couldn't happen to a better guy.

.

Around the NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM) Week 1: America Has Herpes!

It’s a bird! No, its an airplane! No, no. It is a bird.

NO again! It’s The Week One Edition of Around The NFL With Matty (TWOEOATNFLWM!!!)!!!

Good morning, and welcome to the yet another NFL season here at Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM)! To celebrate our tenth year pumping out stale jokes to an audience consisting of the author, two of the author’s friends, and the author’s cat (who can read! I swear!), we here at ATNFLWM would like to thank everyone who made this amazing accomplishment possible.

Thank you, Matt Millen!

Much like the airline attendant who arrived at the same time you did, welcome to Week 1! We here at Around The NFL With Matty Headquarters (ATNFLWMHQ) strive to give you, the reader, the strongest, the best, the most incisive football coverage available. However, we usually end up settling for poop jokes instead. (“What did the priest say to the rabbi? POOOOOP!”)

But this week, dear reader, this week shall be different.

ATNFLWM will no longer settle for being the butt of anyone’s jokes. We won’t be the end of the line, the rear guard, or the anal tearing of anyone’s humor. This week we boldly go where no un-read internet column that nobody cares about will ever go! This week we have for you the best and most amazing interview ever in the history of pro football, neigh! Man kind! That’s right, this week we dig up Bill Walsh and interview his corpse!

But first, ATNFLW is sponsored by [chirp… chirp… chirp…] well, it looks like nobody. Wait! Here is one:

ATNFLWM is sponsored by…

Bob’s 1-900-DickJokes. A dick joke anytime you need one.

And by…

The Delaware board of tourism, who reminds you, Delaware: You could do worse.

Before we get to Bill Walsh's corpse, I recognize that some of you are new to this phenomenon called ATNFLWM. For the benefit of those newbies, I’d like to present “What The Hell Is This Crap You Call Around The NFL With Matty (WTHITCYCATNFLWM?!)”?!

So, what is this crap you call around the nfl with matty?
ATNFLWM is a weekly column written by yours truly. It attempts to get inside, deep inside, the NFL. You will get individual game analysis, informed predictions, and interviews with NFL luminaries, and of course, poop jokes. Well, actually mostly poop jokes.


Why is it published here on a blog that only ten people read?
Because nobody else would publish it. ATNFLWM has offended everyone at one point or another, including its author, who swore he’d have nothing more to do with it years ago. How’d that work out, idiot?


Who cares?
Nobody, really.


Is there any actual football-related content here?
Not really, no. Did I mention there are poop jokes?


So, I have to slog through this crap each week?
If you want to be in-the-know about all things NFL, by which I mean ‘poop jokes.’


Damn.
Such is life. Sorry.


And now to the interview with Bill EWW!! Whats that smell… oh. Right.

But first! Here are the Official ATNFLWM Predictions For The 2008 NFL Season (OATNFLWMPFT2008NFLS!)

The Official ATNFLWM 2008 Predictions!

NFC East
Philadelphia, 11-5
Dallas, 9-7
NY Giants, 8-8
Washington, 6-10
-Dallas has offended God himself and must be punished!! 9-7 sounds about right.

NFC North
Minnesota, 9-7
Green Bay, 9-7
Detroit, 7-9
Chicago, 4-12
- With Brett Favre safely out of the division, everyone can go back to being mediocre.

NFC South
Carolina, 12-4
New Orleans, 11-5
Tampa Bay, 10-6
Atlanta, 3-13
- Both the Panthers defense, and Jon Gruden's anus won't be denied.

NFC West
Seattle, 11-5
Arizona, 9-7
St. Louis, 6-10
San Francisco, 3-13
-One of these years the 49ers will decide that winning is more important than giving idiots jobs.

AFC East
New England, 12-4
NY Jets, 8-8
Miami, 6-10
Buffalo, 4-12
-The Patriots aren't planning on fielding a defense, just to prove a point. What that point is, I have no idea.

AFC North
Pittsburgh, 10-6
Cincinnati, 9-7
Cleveland, 9-7
Baltimore, 7-9
-You know, in twenty years nobody is going to live in any of these cities.

AFC South
Indianapolis, 11-5
Houston, 10-6
Jacksonville, 9-7
Tennessee, 9-7
-The Texans are for real, tho.

AFC West
San Diego, 10-6
Denver, 7-9
Kansas City, 4-12
Oakland, 3-13
-How many teams can actually rebuild in one division at once?

Do the math, bitches. It all works out.

And now, finally, the interview with Bill Walsh’s corpse!! Uh-oh! It seems we are out of time! Awww, sorry. We’ll have to get to Bill next week. We have to make time for…

THE PICKS!!

In deference to The Man, these picks are unsuitable for children under 18, and adults over 18 and a half years of age.

To the picks!

Washington at NY Unrequited Love Giants
--Tom Coughlin expecting 7:05 game to start at 6:55.
--Federal agents were called to FedEx Field this week when players noticed a mysterious white substance on the playing surface. After a complete analysis, agents determined the white substance unknown to players was, in fact, the goal line. Practice resumed when agents determined the team is highly unlikely to encounter the substance again.
--Giants planned Super Bowl celebration ruined when Michael Strahan popped out of the huge Lombardi trophy wearing pants.
-- Eli Manning : Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel from The Simpsons :: I : Me
--Redskins offense makes Matt Millen look like Bill Walsh.
Pick: NY Death By Chocolate Giants

Detroit at Atlanta
--With Mike “That Crazy Goat” Martz gone, Detroit GM Matt Millen can finally get back to his first love: ruining Detroit football franchise.
-- Try as I might, I can’t come up with anything hilarious to say about Atlanta. Wait! No, never mind.
Pick: Detroit

Cincinnati at Baltimore
--The screaming naked man in the stands waiving a honey-glazed ham is former head coach Brian Billick.
--From Better Safe Than Sorry File: Ravens have installed large metal detector along away team’s sidelines in preparation for Bengals.
Pick: Baltimore

Seattle at Buffalo
--Bills best offensive lineman recently returned to work, which misleadingly creates assumption that Bills have a good offensive lineman.
--In preparation for leaving at the end of the year, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren has been taking advantage of Seattle’s world-renowned coffee shops by attempting to create world’s biggest coffee poop.
--The Bills will play a home game in Toronto this season. Unfortunately for them, they will be playing the Red Wings.
-- Dude, if JP Losman could surf in Buffalo, he totally would.
Pick: Seattle

NY J-E-T-S JETSJETSJETS at Miami
--Ricky Williams voted, “Easiest Target in the NFL” by me. In a related story, Ricky Williams will have gay sex for weed! Ha!
--Eric Mangini an odd combination of Bill Belechick’s paranoia, Andy Reid’s taste for Cheetos, and Rick Venturi’s talent.
Pick: NY P-O-O-PPOOPPOOPPOOP!

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
--Jon Gruden six years into eighteen and a half year plan to rule world
--NFL might want to reconsider having New Orleans open up at home during hurricane season. Maybe.
--In preparation for opening night, Saints coach Sean Peyton teaching players new technique: the breast stroke.
Pick: New Orleans

St. Louis at Philadelphia
--Real reason Andy Reid is fat: ass serves as storage container for his son’s Vicodin balloons.
--Starting Marc Bulger in front of Rams offensive line like placing stop sign made of rice paper between Andy Reid and open box of Hostess© Ding-Dongs.
Pick: Philadelphia

Houston at Pittsburgh
--Steeler’s coach Mike Tomlin’s plan for success this season begins and ends with more spittle.
--City of Pittsburgh experiencing renaissance similar to that of sixteenth century Europe, but with more mullets and alcohol-induced vomit.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at Tennessee
--Hoping to inspire his players to play harder, Jack Del Rio has left running chainsaw in team showers.
--Next season, Titans planning on upgrading logo to flaming stapler.
--Vince Young best bad quarterback in league.
Pick: Tennessee


Dallas at Cleveland
--Browns QB Derek Anderson not worried about concussion, looking forward to playing game “here at the Rosebowl.”
--New scientific study conclusively proves Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo plays declines after confronted with Jessica Simpson’s vagina.
--From the ATNFLWM backfiles: Before plastic surgery Jerry Jones looked like the sad mask. Now he looks like the happy one.
--Cowboys fans as full of hope as Cowboys fans pants are full of poop.
Pick: Cleveland

Carolina at San Diego
--Panthers anointed the Official ATNFLWM Upset Team Of The Year (OATNFLWMUTOTY)!
--It’s a slow day when I can’t come up with a Norv Turner joke.
Pick: Carolina


Arizona at San Francisco
--Rather then practice playbook, 49ers new offensive coordinator Mike Martz has been holding daily glue the cereal to the construction paper contests. (He’s currently undefeated.)
--Cardinals Quarterback Matt Leinert named by teammates as “most likely to enjoy pegging”
Pick: Arizona

Chicago at Indianapolis
--Peyton Manning would charmingly appreciate it if you purchased some products, please. Gosh, thanks!
--Bears offense plans to be first ever led to the playoffs by a man with neck beard.
--If you rearrange letters in “Kyle Orton,” you get “Out of the league.”
--Pizzeria Uno now offering “Rex Grossman Sandwich” which is a roast beef with extra special sauce that the waiter drops on the way over to your table.
Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota at Green Bay
--If you subtract 1200 years from Adrian Peterson’s running totals last year, Peterson isn’t a very good running back.
--Everyone in world simultaneously wondering what Vikings see in Tavaris Jackson.
--In attempt to help fans forget about Brett Favre, Aaron Rogers not planning on throwing any interceptions.
-- With Fred Smoot gone, Vikings have downgraded team building plans. This year: Sex Bus.
Pick: Green Bay

Denver at Oakland
--Only one week into the season and already Monday Night Football isn’t worth staying up for.
--In first endorsement opportunity, Jay Cutler’s face to be featured on Pampers boxes.
--Raiders commitment to win similar to my commitment to be funny.
Pick: Denver

Next Week: The whole crew joins me to reprise “A Chorus Line” while dressed as our favorite cheeses! Stay tuned!

The Feel-Good, Look-Bad Hit of the Summer

The Tampa Bay Rays continue to be the most compelling story of the MLB season, and manager Joe Maddon has emerged as something of a star; he's eccentric, but not in the sense that "eccentric" is a euphemism for "a guy whose decisions are based on nothing beyond pure whim." Even with the increased scrutiny that comes from a months-long division lead over the 800-pound gorillas of baseball media -- the Yankees and Red Sox -- Maddon comes off as a bright, interesting guy.

While, for example, his outside-the-box decision to walk the Rangers' Josh Hamilton with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th inning was defensible and turned out to work perfectly, I don't see the same positive outcome from his recent decision to insist that all his players and coaches wear Ed Hardy clothing on all road trips.

If you're not familiar with Ed Hardy, it's a clothing line that features tattoo designs by a guy named Don Ed Hardy, and it's apparently popular among (1) people who enjoyed Nike's Andre Agassi line of the early '90s but thought it just wasn't busy enough, and (2) people who would like to self-induce vomiting onto the front of their shirt because it looks totally cool, but they can't tolerate the odor.

Trendy clothing has always been a little attention-grabbing, such that it starts to look pretty silly not long after it goes out of style; Ed Hardy, however, looks silly now. Really, really silly.

(Note: The only reason I even know about Ed Hardy apparel in the first place is because, a couple weeks ago, when I walked into my local speakeasy, Snizza was in there talking to Slim about how atrocious it is. Apparently there's a new Ed Hardy store at the local upscale shopping mall. I had seen these nauseating designs on various uptown buffoons, but was unaware who was responsible for designing them.)

.

The Reactionary Redskins Fan: Week One

[The Reactionary Redskins Fan will be a weekly feature here at TOOOAST!!!.com throughout the season. As a lifelong Redskins fan, mattymatty will chronicle the ups and downs of the nascent National Football League season. His pain, swearing, loss of dignity, accidental defecation, and eventual divorce is your gain. Enjoy!]


The Washington Redskins lost their first game of the season to the New York Giants last night by a score of 16-7. Their record currently stands at 0-1.


HOLY SHIT! WHAT A FUCKING TERRIBLE HIDEOUS HORRENDOUS PERFORMANCE! THE OFFENSE SUCKED GOD DAMN SHIT THROUGH THE ANUS OF A DEAD DONKEY! THE HEAD COACH SHOULD BE EXECUTED BY GAY SEX! THE OFFENSIVE STAFF SHOULD BE CASTRATED, THEN BEATEN WITH THEIR DISMEMBERED DONGS! THE OWNER SHOULD BE ANALLY VIOLATED BY A RETARDED MOOSE! THE ENTIRE FUCKING DEFENSIVE LINE DISPLAYED THE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE OF MY FUCKING CORNHOLE SHITTING UP A GODDAMN STORM AFTER 27 BEERS! THEY AREN'T AS GOOD AS THE RUNNY DIARRHEA DRIPPING OUT MY ASSHOLE! I HAVEN'T SEEN A WORSE GAME BY AN OFFENSE SINCE FRANCE'S COUNTERATTACK IN 1940! THIS TEAM IS A BUNCH OF SHIT-EATING RETARDS! WE'RE FUCKED!! SHIT!!



[The Reactionary Redskins Fan's opinions are his own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Toooast!!! authors, blogger.com, or our sponsor, General Electric Corporation, whose fabulous products help make the world a better place. GE: bringing good things to light! ]

Oh ya then. Winnipeg is Killin the Leafs, Doncha Know

This isn't fair, but it's too good to pass up. It must've been God's will that this video found its way to my inbox.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hottest V.P. in the coolest state:



What's the difference between Richard Marx and a small town Alaskan sports anchor? Yep. You guessed it. Lipstick. And a grating Fargo-esque ACC-ent.