BMFS Returns... To Gay up Ur Interwebs!

It's been so long since I posted, I forgot how to log into my own goddamn blog. Anyway:

1) Phils face big test, pass

With a 5-3 victory today at Wrigley Field, the Philadelphia Phillies salvaged a split with the National League's 800-pound gorilla, the Chicago Cubs. They remain 1 game behind Los Mets de Nueva York.

While not a resounding success -- hey, it's just a split -- the series provided some evidence that the Fightins can at least hang with the NL's elite. If not for their usually solid bullpen burping up a few big hits, it's a series they could have swept -- they had the lead in the 6th inning in one loss and the 8th inning in the other.

Chad Durbin -- who had been reminding us recently that he is, in fact, Chad Durbin -- pitched beautifully for 2 innings in Sunday's game, giving up only a broken-bat seventeen-hop single, which ended up as a run on his ledger because of -- drumroll please -- the proverbial doot in the Phils' bullpen punchbowl.

Ryan Madson is one of those guys who looks like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest every time I see him pitch. But a cursory perusal of his statistics -- 1.29 WHIP, 3.56 ERA* -- indicates he's been fairly effective. He was abysmal in his two appearances in this series and his inability to throw strikes anywhere than the dead-center of the plate tainted Durbin's oustanding performance Sunday.

*I'ma tell you this so you'll know: ERA is a worthless statistic for relievers. If you give up a couple of baserunners and you're relieved by Brad Lidge, your ERA isn't going no-place. If you're relieved by Ryan Madson, your ERA is going to make like the little mountain-climber on that "Price Is Right" game. Let the yodeling commence!

2) ManBearPig doesn't know it yet, but he'll be publicly cursing the Brewers 1 year from now

As recently pointed out on firejoemorgan.com, CC Sabathia's ironman routine on the mound for the Brewers has brought out all sorts of primitivists bleating about how their favorite team doesn't allow its ace pitcher to throw 9 innings and 135 pitches in every effective outing. Here is why, dummy: Your favorite team has an eight-figure stake in the long-term health of its best starting pitcher; the Milwaukee Brewers do not.

And here's where the ManBearPig comes in:

(Aside: I'm currently viewing the Angels/Rangers game, which is noteworthy in no way other than the fact that home plate umpire Bill "My Mustache Tells You I'm in Charge Here" Hohn has been following players and coaches all over the field and starting verbal confrontations with them, then proceeding to eject them. Both managers have been shown the gate, and now Rangers catcher Gerald Laird has been sent off. This has got to stop. In the rare intelligent words of Larry Bowa, "no one paid fifty bucks to come out here today and see you run people.")

Back to ManBearPig:

As we all know, it's bad for baseball when the Yankees miss the playoffs, as they shall this season: it means your team ain't signing any free agents this offseason. They're all going to the Bronx as a result of a cutthroat one-party bidding war.

The Brewers have 26 games remaining, of which Sabathia (currently at 210.1 IP) will likely start five. With the Brewers extremely likely to make the playoffs and mandated by MLB rules to avoid the Cubs in the Wild-Card round in that eventuality, and Sabathia completing virtually every game he starts and starting every day he's available, ol' Carsten Charles is on pace to throw at least 250 innings this season and as many as 300.

Sabathia's dominant performances and the subsequent plaudits by the baseball media's old-guard wretches are sending his free-agent price tag into a district in which only the Yankees can afford the rent. And although Sabathia has been durable throughout his career while shouldering pretty heavy workloads, there's only so much tread on each player's tires.

So if Sabathia throws 300 innings for the Pennant-winning Brewers this season and his pinstripes-clad left arm falls off next season, why should anyone in Milwaukee care?

3) Arizona gets a shipment of enriched Ecksteinium; rest of NL cowers in terror

I absolutely hate it when a writer refers to something as "delicious" that is not food. But I'm pretty close to doing it myself here.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have imported David Eckstein, the man made of pure grit and hustle and dirt-doggery (and snips and snails and puppy-dog tails), to play second base in place of the injured Orlando Hudson. Recall that they recently also acquired Adam Dunn, the man made of pure nonchalance and dreams of playing in the NFL, to play left field. In short, the same team now employs both the most overrated and the most underrated position players in the Major Leagues. And they're going to make the playoffs! So lots of dumb jerkoffs are going to write about them! And talk about them on TV!!

I just ejected Bill Hohn... in my pants!

I don't know offhand whether there are any legendary primitivists who cover the Diamondbacks, but the teams from whence the fiery, intense Eckstein (.712 OPS) and the cold, donkey-like Dunn (.911 OPS) came are covered by two cadavers propped up on dusty Smith-Coronas: Richard Griffin of the suitable-for-only-pet-housebreaking Toronto Star and Paul Daugherty of the Cincinnati Enquirer. They'll surely weigh in with their insight before long.

Oh, I can't wait. Let the stupid fly!

Back tomorrow with a treatise on fantasy drafting with Cowboys fans.

.

Yankees Grasp Of Logic Slightly Lacking

After losing the second in a row to Boston at home to almost eliminate themselves from the playoff chase, the New York Yankees had many things to say. Some of them didn't make much sense.

Take manager Joe Girardi. Please! (Ha! But seriously, folks...) As manager of the Yankees, Giradi should understand many many important things like, oh... to pull something out of thin air... holes.

Of course, understanding holes does you no good unless you understand how to climb out of them. But its not just holes and how to climb out of them. There is nuance, such as the difference between big holes and small holes. Girardi needs to understand the differences, like big holes are harder to climb out of than small holes.

For example, if your team has the record of 25, oh, lets say "DORKS" and 24... uh... "BLORKS"* and another team has 26 DORKS and 23 BLORKS, that isn't a big hole. Therefore, it is a small hole and it should be easier to climb out of.

On the other hand, if you are 25-24 (that's DORKS-BLORKS) and another team is 49-0, that there is a big hole. Your team is 24 BLORKS behind. Some would say that hole is too big to be climbed out of. Its a nearly unclimbable hole. Or, if you want to be finite about it, that hole is too deep to climb out of.

Hey, Joe, what is your opinion on holes?

Joe: “No hole is too deep to climb out of.”

Really? But what about if your team has 270 million BLORKS and... aww, never mind.

Lets move on to Johnny Damon. As many of you know, Damon is a scholarly man of letters. He understands things that most of us can't even pretend to. For instance, the Glurglump Principle.** As you didn't know, the Glurglump Principle states, 'People have the ability to do things that they don't have the ability to do.'

As a scholarly man of letters, Damon knows how to apply that principle to everyday life, like say, oh... a baseball team who is falling out of contention because their greatest rivals have come into their home stadium and kicked their asses to Mars.

So, Johnny, with the Yankees falling so far behind Boston, how are they going to be able to get back into the pennant race? (See if you can spot the Glurgumpitude!)

Damon: "The strengths are going to have to be everybody playing better than they’re capable of."

Did you see it? To most people that wouldn't make any sense. However, we know differently. Shhh!!

*Apologies to the ever great firejoemorgan.com.
**The Glurglump Principle was developed by Dr. Herman Dividicus Glurglump who experimented with the principle that bears his name by repeatedly throwing retarded children off a cliff to see if they would live. They didn't. And thus the Glurglump Principle was born!
***If you google "confused" the first hit you get is the picture above.

Now that I've returned from covering the Olympics for Togo...

Man. It's been a long coupla weeks. The single Bronze medal-winning (canoe/kayak) nation of Togo talked me in to covering the Beijing games for their national paper (hey - my knowledge of French actually has a practical use!), and the Orwellian Chinese government wouldn't allow me to access Toooast. But now that I'm back in a free information setting, it's time to drop a few brief bullets that I've picked up, cuz that's what I do. I drop mad bullets. I pick up 7 bullets and drop 8.

1. Fear the number 44.

Two former NBA players have had catastrophic events happen to them recently: Kevin Duckworth and Wayman Tisdale. Now, by actually dying, Mr. Duckworth has clearly experienced the more catastrophic event, but Tisdale lost part of his leg to cancer, and that doesn't sound like much fun either. Both men were/are 44 years old.

2. When in China...

The smoldering remains of Jason Kidd didn't do much on the basketball court in Beijing for the Redeem Team, but it turns out he did do something productive during his stay in China. Mr. Kidd has split from Nike, and is now the feature endorser of the Chinese sneaker company PEAK. He joins the uber-bland Shane Battier as the only NBA players endorsing this shoe, and with such dynamic endorsees as this pair of mulattos, these joints are sure to fly off the shelves.

I love this line:

Chinese athletic footwear and apparel company that has started signing B-grade or soon-to-retire NBA players as a part of their marketing plan.

And repping sub-Starbury kicks isn't Kidd's only questionable move. Here's further proof that Kidd has lost his mind. Either that or Elaine Wynn can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Man, the Mavs are in real trouble this year. But at least we re-signed Devean George. Did somebody say "calvalry?" Yee-fucking-ha!


3. Bush is still in office, and he still hates black people.

I took that headline from the comments section of this post. It appears that New Orleans may be in for some more hurricane action as Tropical Storm Gustav, which has already ripped through Haiti and the Dominican Republic, is projected to gain strength as it heads in to the Gulf of Mexico.

So after the silly NBA musical chairs game of the Hornets to New Orleans full-time and the Sonics to Oklahoma City, it's conceivable that the Fleure-de-Bee, new unis and all, may have to relocate again. I know a certain Pacific Northwest city with a vacancy sign out in front of a basketball arena...

Hmmm...trade Kevin Durant for CP3? Swap a doormat of a team for a title contender? Chickory coffee for Starbucks? Sounds pretty good to me.


4. Dallas still has a baseball team.

Catching up on MLB standings, I noticed that the Texas Rangers are, in fact, still fielding a baseball squadron and are actually taking part in games against other teams. Who knew?


Now to get back to preparing for my fantasy football draft, where it appears that others have come to their senses and are adopting my "you don't have to draft 2 running backs with your first two picks" philosophy.

Throw-Down At The Toilet!

I know baseball is often frowned upon in these parts, but since nobody else is posting and I know nobody is reading, well, I can really do whatever the damn hell I want. And since this isn't a blog about poop (at least not directly) then I'mo write me some beeseball posts, biz-nitch.

The Tampa Rays have won the AL East. Go with it. Yes, they are catchable with a 4.5 game lead over Boston, but with about 30 games there's going to have to be a sizable collapse to get it done. Baring that, the AL Wild Card is the only way the defending champs are going to find themselves in the crapshoot that is the MLB playoffs this season. Here's the Wild Card Standings, up to the minute:

1. Boston 75-55
- Chicago WS 75-56 -1.0 (currently AL Central leader)
2. Minnesota 74-57 -1.5
3. New York 70-60 -5.0

One of Chicago or Minnesota is going to win the Central, so Boston only has to concern themselves with the lesser of the two. The Yankees are 9.5 games behind Tampa, so they ain't winn'n shite divisionally speaking this season. If they lose too much more ground they won't make the playoffs at all for the first time in 15 years. The Yankees need to win and they need the Red Sox to lose. So, of course, starting tonight, the Yankees have a three game series at home versus guess who? That's right, Boston!

If the Yankees can sweep they'll pull themselves into contention. If they get swept, well, they're done. Anything in between probably just maintains the status quo, which favors the standings leader, in this case Boston.

If it was just Red Sox/Yankees, the Sox would probably be going into this series looking to take at least one of the three. But, with Minnesota and Chicago applying red hot pokers to their ass-less chaps, the Sox need to keep winning period.

One team playing for their playoff positioning, the other for their season. Throw in the Sox last visit to the Toilet in the Bronx and you've got yourself some driz-ama!

In short: me likee.

Don't Go Hurling Feces In Denver

Yesterday wasn't the best of days in Matty's World of Sports. The Red Sox lost 11-0 to something named Jesse Litsch. I'm pretty sure I've seen him hawking the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine on HGTV at 3am. It would take a corn-filled green poop sandwich to out-do that turdwich. Could the Redskins do it? Pressure is on!

Hey, no problem, man. When it comes to sucking, don't challenge the Redskins. Don't come up here into our house thinking you can blow worse, cause we going to lay down like a two dollar whore and... OK, enough of that. The Skins lost the game 47-3 and pro bowl defensive end Jason Taylor to what looked like a serious knee injury. Hey, at least they scored, right?... Right?... Hello? Hey, is this thing on?!

The team is calling it a 'sprain' but Taylor is scheduled to undergo an MRI today and the results are not expected to be positive because results like this never are. For example, you never hear, "An MRI today to study Jason Taylor's knee injury has found no internal damage, but did discover a five dollar bill lying on the examining room floor. Taylor was later seen skipping out of the hospital with two scoops of vanilla."

Nope. What you are more likely to hear is, ""An MRI today to study Jason Taylor's knee injury has found little green aliens eating away at his bones. A five dollar bill was found lying on the examining room floor and Taylor picked it up and attempted to saw off his head. Doctor Goatcabin was able to take the bill away from Taylor after he got about halfway through. Taylor is listed as 'day-to-day' with no bones and a dangling head."

To quote the great Yogi Berra, "Can someone please change my adult diaper as, once again, I have soiled myself?"

Wait, wrong quote. Take 2:

To quote the great Yogi Berra, "Its getting late early." And really, who the hell knows what that means?

On an entirely different but equily crap-filled note, all you democrats out there with strange ideas on how to appropriately celebrate Barack Obama's coronation as presidential candidate, Denver is ready for you. According to the Washington Post, Denver is prepared for, uh, everything. To wit:

Hosting a convention necessitates preparing for the worst, Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper said, and his city has accomplished that with gusto. The possibility of protesters hurling buckets of feces? Denver proposed an ordinance to prevent it.

Good catch, Denver! Because as we know, passing laws against things prevents them from happening [puts fingers in ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!

Matty's Baseball Notes: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!

Two very strange things happened recently, both of them having to do with walks. Without any more ado (poop!) here they are:

1. This past weekend, Rays manager Joe Madden made a very odd decision. His team was leading by 4 runs in the ninth inning. The Texas Rangers had the bases loaded and potential AL MVP Josh Hamilton was at bat. Madden made the unusual decision to intentionally walk Hamilton. This is highly unusual. So unusual, in fact, that it has only occurred five other times in baseball history (as documented here). The worst that could happen to the Rays was that Hamilton could tie the game. Instead, Madden decided that the Rays were better off facing whomever followed Hamilton in the order (not a stiff, by the way, the Rangers lead MLB in runs scored) and up by only three runs than they were facing Hamilton up by four.

The result of the decision was whomever followed Hamilton made an out ending the game, but I'm not sure that justifies the decision. The Rays gave the Rangers a free run and gained very little in return. True, the run was not all that valuable with only one out to go in the game (potentially), but for the cost, I don't see much in return. In short, if Madden did this against the Red Sox, I'd welcome it whole heartedly.

2. Last night, the Red Sox faced the Orioles. Coco Crisp was at bat with two outs. With the count 2-2, the O's pitcher threw and Coco walked. What? How's that possible, you ask? Well, its not, but it happened. Coco Crisp walked on ball three. And nobody complained about it. Lets play Count The People Who Had Their Heads Up Their Ass While The Home Plate Umpire (Who Had His Head Up His Ass) Awarded Crisp A Base He Had Not Earned (CTPWHTHUTAWTHPU(WHHHUHA)ACABHHNE):
1. The home plate umpire
2-4. The other three umpires
5. The Orioles Manager
6. Anyone else on the Orioles bench
7. The O's Catcher
8. Any of the other seven players playing the field for Baltimore
9. Any of the reported 43,000+ fans in attendance at Camden Yards

Even the announcers didn't realize for sure it until after the next commercial break. They came back from commercial with, "You know, maybe Crisp shouldn't have walked..."

In true comical fashion, only one person in the entire stadium* knew the count: the scoreboard operator. And the umpire ignored him.

So, the O's got screwed, though it didn't end up costing them anything on the scoreboard. Still, its hard to have sympathy for them considering the above list. I mean, really, couldn't the back up catcherhave leaned over to the pitching coach and said, "Hey, I think thats only three balls." But no.

*Yes, any of the Red Sox players or coaches may have known the count and not mentioned it.

Matty's Baseball Notes: Would You Like Extra Gay With That? (Of Course You Would!)

*Things are tightening up as we head out of the dog days of August and down the final stretch of September. Pretty much nothing is decided yet with one exception: The Anaheim Angels are 4,000 games** ahead of Texas in the AL West, so they've pretty much got that dog by the nards.

*MLB is looking into developing instant replay to assist umpires with making fair/foul and home run calls. Its about damn time. There is a section of people who seem to be worried that it won't be administered fairly from park to park based on TV networks, impartiality, etc. Let me ask one question: WHO CARES?!

As it stands now, umpires are routinely screwing these calls up. It has happened a lot this season, regardless of which park the game has been in. Often its not even the umps fault, as its just not possible to tell exactly where a small white ball traveling about 320 feet at 120mph is going when you are 200 feet away. Still, if the umps can guarantee they'll get it right in, oh, lets say 20% of the parks, isn't that an improvement? What are you waiting for, MLB? In the words of a true American, 'Lets do it!'

*How bad is the Rangers pitching staff? In three games against Boston they gave up 37 runs. Yes, they scored 21, but still, 37 runs? There are AAA teams that could do better than that. (And, yes, they lost all three games.)

*Good news for those of us who subscribe to MLB.tv (like yours truely): MLB is reconsidering their ridiculous blackout rules which prevent you from watching baseball. From an article on mlb.com:

As an example, none of the teams from cities within a four-hour drive of Las Vegas -- Los Angeles, Oakland, Phoenix, San Francisco and San Diego -- regularly have their games broadcast there. Yet games played by those teams are blacked out in Vegas.

Again, its about damn time.

*For the first time since the mid 1990s it looks like the NY Yankees won't be a participant in this season's playoffs (its about damn time). The Yankees currently sit third in the AL East 6.5 games behind Boston for the Wild Card and 9.5 games behind Tampa for the division lead. Of course Hank Steinbrenner couldn't keep his yap shut about this, saying,

I think it's very simple, we've been devastated by injuries. No team I've ever seen in baseball has been decimated like this. It would kill any team. Imagine the Red Sox without (Josh) Beckett and (Jon) Lester. Pitching is 70 percent of the game. Wang won 19 games two straight years. Chamberlain became the most dominating pitcher in baseball. You can't lose two guys like that.

The Red Sox lost Curt Schilling for the year in Spring Training and David Ortiz missed almost two months of the season. The Rays lost starting center fielder Carl Crawford for the year and potential Rookie of the Year Evan Longoria has a broken wrist. If Hankee thinks that injuries are the Yankees only problem then I encourage him to bring back this crew next season and see what happens.***

**May technically not be true.
***Many thanks to the Tombstone Generator for the image.

Matty's Baseball Notes: As Gay As Gay Can Be, Ya Know!

*I'm back!! [hold for applause] My wife and I took the last week as occasion to head out west and scout the area for good beer. (At least, I assume that was the purpose of the trip.) We didn't see any baseball games, though we almost dropped by Whatevertheyarecallingitthisweek.com Park in San Fran to watch the latest Barry Zito implosion. We decided against at the last minute.

Other than drink good beer, I had the opportunity to play some beach football (3 TD passes, no picks, we won, thankyouverymuch) which was some of the most fun I've had in a while. Shout out to... well, hell, I can't find their website. Whatever. They're not going to read this anyway.

*From the You Won't Frigg'n Believe This Department: The Red Sox are on national TV today.

*In actual baseball news, both Manny Ramirez and Jason Bay have been absolutely killing the ball since THE TRADE (wink wink wink!!!!).

Ramirez is hitting .485/.528/.879 (average/on-base/slugging), raising questions about his last month or so in Boston when he hit only .347/.473/.587. So, clearly the guy was dogging it in Boston, right? I mean, he's hitting .485 in LA, compared to only .347 in Boston, so he obviously he was laying down. .347? Dooooog-iiiiing!!!

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story, or at least a good made-up piece of bullshit, right Curly-Haired Boyfriend (aka Dan Shaughnessy)? Shaughnessy, a columnist for the Boston Globe, is angry that the Red Sox won the World Series because that destroyed his voodoo franchise.** So he does everything in his power to stir shit up. In short, he's an asshole who can write anything he wants and it will be published in the Globe. So, he wrote that Major League Baseball is investigating Ramirez and his agent, Scott, Boras, for forcing their way out of Boston. Now, keep in mind that this is not true.

And now its time for I Answer My Own Question Time!!!

Was Ramirez dogging it in Boston? Maybe, but it doesn't matter.
Did Boras tell Manny to start acting like a spoiled child so the Sox wouldn't pick up his options? Maybe, but it doesn't matter.
Was Manny being a bad teammate? Maybe, but it doesn't matter.

Sensing a theme here? There's nothing MLB, Bud Selig, the Red Sox, or anyone can do about this. Nuh-ting!! There's no Zapruder film of Manny and Boras talking about throwing... Wait!!

This just in!

Toooast has obtained a copy of an internal audio recording of a secret meeting between Manny and Scott Boras! This meeting took place in June at the offices of the Scott Boras Corporation in Newport Beach, California (fortunately, the tape is labeled). The audio tape is [oh so predictably] tough to make out, but here is the transcript, as best as can be deciphered:

Boras: [petting hairless cat] Manny, welcome to the Scott Boras Corporation! I hope you enjoy your complementary bag of Sun Chips. WHOOOOOOO-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Manny: [chewing]
Boras: Sun Chips are made with the sun's natural vitamins and minerals for a fresh taste you'll love! Also, if you wouldn't mind not chewing with your mouth open, Hilda is away on vacation and I don't enjoy vacuuming.
Manny: [chewing]
Boras: Lets get down to business. We've got to do something to make the Red Sox turn down the option years in your contract.
Manny: [chewing] Why?
Boras: Because, if they pick up those options I won't make any money and, uh..., I mean, we need to do whats best for you, Manny, and after much long and complicated research the Scott Boras Corporation has determined that you need to leave Boston. Its in your best interests.
Manny: Ok, dude. Hey, you got any more chips, man?
Boras: Sure. [buzzing sound] Hey, Rosenthal, can you bring some more Sun Chips in here? So, Manny, what we need to do is to have you act like a petulant child. Tell the media that you hate Boston, you hate the Red Sox, you want to kill some puppies and eat them, and then urinate in the Green Monster.
Manny: I already took care of that last one, boss.
Boras: Excellent! My plan is already working! WHOOOOOOO-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

At this point the tape cuts out. But it seems Shaughnessy was right after all. Manny could've hit .485 for the Red Sox, but didn't on purpose! My apologies, Dan. And your hair looks awesome, man. Seriously.

** Shaunghessy wrote The Curse of the Bambino about how Babe Ruth's ghost cursed the Sox for 100 years because they sold him to the Yankees to finance a play, No No Nanette. A couple problems with this:
1. There is no such thing as ghosts.
2. If there are, they have better things to worry about than who wins the World Series
3. Ruth did everything he could to get kicked off the Red Sox including fucking anything that moved, and drinking everything he couldn't fuck. At the time of the sale, the Yankees were thought to have paid $100,000 for a retarded malcontent with chlamydia.
4. No No Nanette took place years before Ruth was sold to New York, so that had nothing to do with it.***

***Or years after. It doesn't matter. The two didn't exist on remotely the same timeline so the suggestion is ridiculous.

C, F, R, T, L...when are the Americans Entering the Stadium Again?

If you were watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics, then you were probably as dumbfounded as me in trying to figure out the rhyme or reason for the order in which the countries entered the stadium.



After a little research while Maldives, Mali and Malta marched in their 8 athletes, I discovered that since China doesn't have an alphabet like the rest of the world, the countries were placed in order - lowest to highest - of the number of strokes necessary to make their Chinese character.



Makes sense, I guess. You'd think the IOC would have regulated this, but they're too busy figuring out how to give the games to the only place with worse air quality than Beijing - the planet of Venus.



My sister actually Googled the reason for the strange order of nations minutes before me, and she found a little different result than I did. Some egghead hacked the Wikipdia page for this and spread some of his ground-breaking world views that truly convey the Olympic spirit.
(click on image to enlarge):







The entry was promptly removed.

"Yay! I Can't Wait to See the Olympic Wrestling!" Ya, right.

It's time for the athletes from around the world to brave the equivalent of sucking on an exhaust pipe for two weeks and make the trek to Beijing for the 2008 Olympic Games. Sure, there are probably thousands of athletes and coaches participating in these games, but if there was ever any doubt about what sport is carrying these games, that's been erased by recent events.

First, the USA basketball team was treated like the Beatles when they got to Beijing, with the ever popular Black Mamba, er The Doberman, getting a brand new Chinese moniker of "Kou-bi-er."

And then I just discovered that there's a possibility that 5 nations will be led in to the Opening Ceremonies by a hoopster:

At the 2008 Beijing games, the NBA should be well represented during the Opening Ceremony on Aug. 8. Two active NBA players, a former NBA player and possibly two more hoopsters could have the honor of carrying their countries' flags. San Antonio Spur forward and 2004 gold medalist Manu Ginobili has been chosen by the Argentinian contingent to be his country's flag bearer. A mere 146 countries later, Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko will lead Russia's sizable delegation into China's National Stadium. ""From all the Olympians I would like to thank those who believe in us," Kirilenko said. "We are proud of our country and want Russia to be proud of us. I think everybody will agree that what you feel while standing on the podium can't be put into words. "I wish that at the Beijing Games the Russian anthem is heard as often as possible!" Then, there's an internet push on to make Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki Germany's flag bearer. "That would be super," Nowitzki said Wednesday. "I would be honored." Rockets center Yao Ming would also be honored to carry host-country China's flag as well. But no decision has been made for the Chinese delegation. Yao was a flag bearer in Athens. Having a similar duty in China wouldn't be a problem for him. "Everyone wants to be a flag bearer; of course I want to be one, too," Yao said. Former Indiana Pacer and Golden State Warriors guard Sarunas Jasikevicius will carry Lithuania's flag.

*This just in! It has been confirmed that the Uberman himself, Dirk Nowitzki, will be carrying the German flag! What a cool deal for him. First he accomplishes a life-long dream and gets the German basketball team in to the Olympic Games, then he gets the honor of leading his countrymen in to the stadium. I guess Chris Kamen wasn't quite German enough.

All the better reason for him to be sporting his current 'do:

If he played football, we'd ticket him for the Edmonton Eskimos' punt coverage team

Next stop for Adam Eaton: Trafficking rubber dogshit from Hong Kong.

Last week we covered the abysmal minor-league debut of the Phillies' 2007 free-agent sinkhole. Tuesday night, Eaton made his second start since his demotion to the minors, this time for the Double-A Reading Phillies.

(Obviously, Eaton's belly-flop in low A ball didn't merit a promotion, but the Phils are continuing with their plans to bounce Eaton around various levels of minor-league ball in order to keep him nearby for observation by the team's scouts.)

Here's the line on Eaton's start Tuesday for the R-Phils:

3.1 IP, 4 H, 7 R (6 ER), 2 BB, 1 HBP, 4 K, 2 HR

If you're scoring at home (or even if you're alone), that's a 16.20 ERA. In Double. Fucking. A. For a guy who is being lavished with more than $8M a year to pitch.*

*This implies pitching well. In the major leagues.

As much as I would like to unleash a frothing string of profanities, it can't really enhance the story told by the numbers. But think of the person in the sporting realm who is the absolute worst at his or her respctive job; names like Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen come to mind. At this point, Adam Eaton deserves a spot in that ninth concentric shovel-load of the eternal landfill.

And last, I will abide by my strict policy of blaming management rather than labor whenever possible, and emphasize that it's not Adam Eaton's fault that he's a miserable pitcher. It's Pat Gillick's fault for failing to recognize it.

In a sense, it's Gillick's responsibility to make sure I don't have to care what the likes of Adam Eaton are doing... by keeping guys like him off the Phils' payroll. Having to devote attention to this spectacular failure, in the words of the late D. Boon, ain't no picnic.

Postscriptum: Many thanks to Snizza for the real-time burial of this post.

.

Joba Injures Shoulder, Steinbrenner Calls for Texas Nuclear Holocaust

ARLINGTON, Texas -- After pitching phenom Joba Chamberlain left Monday's game against the Texas Rangers with an apparent shoulder injury, Yankees Senior Vice President Hank Steinbrenner again could not contain his disgust with the team's recent spate of bad luck with injuries, this time calling for a total obliteration of the state of Texas, where three Yankees pitchers have sustained injuries in the past 14 months.

"Look at this fucking place -- it's inhospitable to human life," Steinbrenner fumed. "Christ, it was 107 degrees today. A hundred and seven! Major League Baseball needs to get into the 21st century and stop making us play in this godforsaken state. Baseball should be played in 80-degree weather with lots of humidity and the slightest haze of bus exhaust, like we have in New York."

Last May 30, an ankle sprain forced prized rookie pitcher Phil Hughes from a game at Texas in which he had not yet allowed a hit, and June 15 of this year, Yankees ace Chien-Ming Wang sustained a severe foot injury during an interleague game versus the Astros in Houston that is expected to keep the righthander out of the rotation for the remainder of the regular season.

After the injury to Wang, Steinbrenner impugned National League rules as antiquated and advocated the circuit's adoption of the AL-only designated hitter rule. With the most recent blow to the team's pitching staff taking place under American League rules, the Senior Vice President turned his attention to more severe potential remand.

"I don't think we're ever going to come here again," Steinbrenner continued. "In fact, I think this whole state ought to be blown right off the map. They need to drop a big goddamn nuke right in the middle of this shithole."

-30-
.

R.I.P.: The Worst Voice Impression of All Time

It is with great sadness that we interrupt this interminable sequence of Tony La Russa pitching changes to inform you that longtime Atlanta Braves broadcaster Skip Caray has died at the age of 68.

Caray is best known in the circles in immediate proximity to TOOOAST!!! as the object of the worst voice impression in the history of American comedy, which Matty and I have been performing for the past way-too-many years.

It's fair to refer to Skip's voice as inimitable, and Matty and I sure as hell couldn't imitate it. In fact, our efforts were so ludicrously off-base that absolutely no one ever who ever heard them so much as recognized them as Skip Caray impressions. This, despite the fact that the phrase we most commonly uttered in Skip's trademark low-emoting tone was "there's a base hit for Chipper Jones..."

I think we persisted doing the impressions strictly because they were so horrid. Matty's sounded like Ted Koppel with some sort of palsy, and mine sounded like Bob Dole after inhaling the entire contents of the Goodyear Blimp.

Well, now they're not only pitifully lame, our dueling Skip Caray impressions are also in poor taste. So we'll spare everyone... for a while at least.

Rest in peace, Skip.

.

God Bless the NHL Network, (aka Cheapest Blog Post Ever*)

"It's the middle of summer," you say, "What the fruck are you doing watching hockey? You should be breaking down Josh Howard's recent arrest or preparing for your fantasy football draft!"

Whatever. Unlike the NFL Network, NBA TV and the, um, MLB Channel, the NHL Network almost exclusively replays games from past seasons to satisfy your frozen nostalgia. They are currently using the sun-drenched summer months to replay every game from the 2007 and 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs in order. In the course of a week, you get to relive an entire series, and in doing so, you get reminded of certain highlights that you may have forgotten about.

Enter Calgary Flames defenseman Cory Sarich.

I was watching a little of Calgary - San Jose game 3 from the first round of this season's playoffs, and damn near choked on my HamDog when I saw this:




The Flames were down 3-0 to the Sharks at the time of this hit, but went on to win 4-3. Sarich's obliteration of Marleau completely turned the game around.

Incredibly, that annihilation wasn't even Sarich's best hit of his career. A little more YouTube trolling turned up what may be the best hit I've ever seen by any hockey-playin' fool.



And if you title your video "This Guy Got Knocked the F*** Out," you deserve some Toooasty love:



Just a little stick and puck to break the ManRam, Favre, Artest menage-a-trois.

*Posting YouTube clips is normally the biggest give-up of a posting ever, but fuck it. However, in successive poooasts I've written about hot dogs and aped YouTube clips. I am placing myself on double secret probation.

Gather 'round, kids, and I'll tell you about the worst pitcher I ever saw...

Hopefully, last Sunday's monsoon-delayed tilt against the Braves in Philadelphia marked Adam Eaton's last appearance in a Phillies uniform, despite the $8.25-million 2009 season that remains on his contract. It's time the Phils learn to recognize sunk costs. (See: "Sexson, Richie," and, as of a few moments ago, "Hernandez, Livan.")

Anyway, Eaton, appearing in relief, coughed up consecutive home runs to the seventh- and eighth-place hitters and very nearly gave up a third in a row to the pitcher. One day, I'll regale my children with the story of the crowd's hysterical booing and shouting (Me: "You're stealing my money!!"), much as my father regaled me with tales of the blowout patches and miscreants who populated the Phils' doomed rosters of his youth.

After the aforementioned game, Eaton mercifully accepted a designation to the minors, and he started his first game in the seamy underbelly of pro ball on Thursday. Here, for your continued enlightenment, is his stat line in said game:

3.2 IP, 5 H, 4 ER, 1 BB, 2 K.

Obviously, this is putrescent, especially for a pitcher who is expected to succeed in the major leagues. However, there's a further detail that merits mention:

This outing was for the Lakewood BlueClaws in the Sally League -- that is low A-ball.

Low. Fucking. A-ball.

Adam Eaton is currently sporting a 10-run ERA at the lowest level of full-season professional baseball in the United States, where he is pitching largely against players who were in high school when he signed his grotesque free-agent contract with the Phillies.

Shit fire and goddamn!

.

Matty's Baseball Notes: Now With More Gay!

*When the Twins and White Sox get together, well, as Mr. Mike says, if there are any old people in the room, push their wheelchairs closer to the TV and tell them to turn up their hearing aids, because this is going to be good. (Do you smell what Dwayne Johnson is cooking? Seriously, I think its ramen noodles.)

And whoo Nelly, it sure was good. First, Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire had a conniption on the field. Second, well... actually that was it. Ron Gardenhire's conniption. But it was a good one, featuring enough hat throwing, and red-faced screaming to incite a Minnesota crowd who's usual chief concern is not saying "yah" too much.

Following Gardenhire's wife-embarrassing example, the crowd begun to throw their hats onto the field. OF COURSE, this scared the living shit out of White Sox Manager and Complete Crazyperson Ozzie Guillen, who was already feeling threatened by Gardenhire's attempt to out-crazy him. Guillen ran onto the field, selflessly risking being hit by a flying 59/50 and, arms a-blaz'n, spazmodically directed his team to leave the field. Then, on the way back to the dugout, he got into a swearing match with a Minnesota fan and had to be restrained.

No, I did not make this up. For those of you scoring at home, the Twins won 7-4, but Guillen out-crazied Gardenhire 11-6.

*After finally talking his way out of Boston after seven and a half years of trying, Manny Ramirez made his debut in LA today with the Dodgers. Moments after his former team beat the A's in the bottom of the twelvth inning thanks to a triple from his replacement, Manny stood next to home plate for what must have been the most underwhelming standing/sitting/Well- I'm-on-my-way-to-the-bathroom-anyway-hey-look!-cheez-doodles! ovation of his career. Then he promptly grounded out to shortstop.

With Manny in the fold the Dodgers now have possibly the strangest collection of starting outfielders in the history of baseball. To Andruw Jones ($17M this year) and his .160 batting average, and Juan Pierre (8M) and his complete lack of anything resembling a useful baseball skill, add Manny's act. Then throw in a hint of Plaschke just for flavor and let simmer for about ten to twelve games. Mmmm!

*I'm taking a fact-finding mission to Burma for the next week, so no posts from me. I leave you in the capable yet negligent hands of snizza and bmfs. Heidy ho!!