Snizza to World: "Check out these wieners!"

So I was thinking, if I just happened to be driving my car in Mississippi one day, and I just happened to see Brett Favre - who I am so sick of hearing about I wanna shoot Roman candles in to my ears - and I decided to run him down with my car and killed him, and was subsequently put on death row, what would my last meal be?

I think it might be chili dogs. I freaking love chili dogs. Or maybe it's just that all these vagina-related poooasts got me thinking about wieners.

Plus, chili dogs are kinda sportsy, right? We like sports on this blog, so it follows that we like chili dogs too. Unless your name is Matty and you only eat carrots and Nutz nuts.

HOWEVAH, you can go to far with the chili dog. I stumbled upon the following article, and if you are vegetarian, please go no further or you will be running to the vomitorium.

It lists the Five Hot Dogs That Will Kill You. Man, you would need an Extra Large serving of Colon Blow after eating one of these artery-clogging bad boys.

The one in the picture below is called Mulligan's Hamdog, and is described thusly:

Take one hot dog, roll it in flattened burger meat, fry it, top it with cheese, chili, and a fried egg and kiss your keester goodbye.



And that gut bomb is only #5 on the list! It was beaten by a hot dog in Korea that is wrapped in french fries. You can almost feel your heart quiver.

"It's the big one! I'm coming Elizabeth. I'm coming."

Beijing to World: Show Us Your Vagina

According to the New York Times, organizers of the Beijing Olympics are setting up a lab to evaluate (and I quote) "suspect" female athletes. All female athletes were required to submit to a "sex verification test" which looked much like you'd probably expect it to look, i.e. highly humiliating. Back in the day "...women were asked to parade nude before a panel of doctors to verify their sex." See, girls? You never know when you'll meet Mr. Right.

Oddly enough, this is not a new phenomenon. Female athletes have been subjected to 'tests' as far back as the 1960's. Again, the NY Times:

The tests never unmasked a man posing as a woman, but they did turn up several athletes who were born with genetic defects that made them appear — according to lab results, at least — to be men. In 1967, the Polish sprinter Ewa Klobukowska was barred from the sport because she failed the chromosomal test, even though she had passed the nude test a year earlier. In the 1980s, the Spanish hurdler Maria José Martínez Patino was disqualified because the test revealed, to her surprise, that she was born with a Y chromosome. Her eligibility was reinstated in 1988.

The practice came under increasing criticism in the 1990s by doctors, scientists and athletes who argued that the tests were not just invasive, but were also bad science. During the 1996 Atlanta Games, eight athletes failed the test, but all were later cleared of suspicion because it was determined that they had a birth defect that did not give them an unfair advantage.

“It was an unethical, unscientific and discriminatory practice,” said Arne Ljungqvist, the chairman of the International Olympic Committee’s medical commission and one of the most outspoken critics of the testing. In 1999, Ljungqvist helped abolish the blanket testing of women, but international competitions have continued to rely on sex-verification tests in isolated instances.

“We must be ready to take on such cases should they arise,” Ljungqvist said. “Sometimes, fingers are pointed at particular female athletes, and in order to protect them, we have to be able to investigate it and clarify.”

Two years ago, middle-distance runner Santhi Soundarajan of India was stripped of her silver medal at the Asian Games after failing a verification test. Ljungqvist said an official who observed Soundarajan during the mandatory urine test for doping questioned her sex, and she later refused to submit to a more thorough exam.

Although the verification test has changed to adapt to new scientific understandings about gender — athletes are now evaluated by an endocrinologist, gynecologist, a geneticist and a psychologist — critics say the test is based on the false idea that someone’s sex is a cut-and-dried issue.

“It’s very difficult to define what is a man and what is a woman at this point,” said Christine McGinn, a plastic surgeon who specializes in transgender medicine.

Wow. This just gets into a ton of crazy stuff, huh? Thats why I advocate simply flashing the beaver and moving on. If you can fake that one, go the hell ahead, you deserve it.

Philadelphia Will Not Be Getting A Parade Any Time Soon

As I'm sure all of you are aware, the Philadelphia Soul just won Arena Bowl XXIII by beating the San Jose PenisCats*, 514-489.  (Thats "23" in American numbers, by the way.)

As any Philadelphian will tell you, the city hasn't enjoyed a championship parade in any major sport since the Philadelphia 76ers won the NBA Championship in 1983.  If I count correctly, thats longer than it took the Jews to find their way out of the desert.  (Of course, if you ask the Jews, they'll tell you they did it on purpose.)  

With the Philadelphia Soul returning as World Champions, they should be dually rewarded with a parade.  Every good Philadelphian wants a parade.  Thats the entire reason to spend the blood, sweat, and lots of extra geigh tears trying to win.  Right, yo?

Well, no dice, Philadelphia. Your wait for a parade will continue without interference from Jon Bon Jovi's minor league football team.  According to the Philadelphia Inquirer [italics mine]:

Soul players, coaches, and executives will gather for a celebratory procession up Market Street, Thursday at 3 p.m. 

Thats right, Philadelphia, a "celebratory procession," not a parade.  So, those of you waiting for a parade, you can shove it right up your fat keasters.  

*Edit: I have been informed that the San Jose Arena Football team is not called the "PenisCats."  They are the "PenisVaginas."  My apologies. 

Manny Ramirez Traded!! Fantasy League Thrown Into Chaos!!

Tim Johnson finally has had enough of Manny Ramirez. The 14-year-old, fed up with Ramirez's injuries and lack of production, pulled off a trade late last night, sending Ramirez from the Cleveland Steamers, where he has played left field for the past season and a half, to the Minnesota Sexboats for Pat Burrell and "what's left of that Slurpee."

"Ramirez just gets on my nerves," said Johnson in between sips of his XXX-treme 'Dark Night'-berry flavored Slurpee. "He dogs it in the field and strikes out too much." Johnson, who has four years of fantasy baseball experience under his belt, traded for Ramirez two seasons ago in the midst of a pennant race, but the erstwhile left fielder didn't produce as hoped. "I'm just glad to be rid of him."

Reached for comment, Ramirez declined comment. "I just going to play ball, man, and what ever happens happens," he commented.

Thanks Rick. Err, FUCK YOU!

In today's Chicago Sun-Times, Rick Telander writes a piece that calls for Mark Cuban to go ahead and buy the hallowed Cubs, along with Wrigley Field, a combination that exceeds all human comprehension in terms of value, as Telander seems to think.

"This is buying Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland, the Eiffel Tower (if you're French).

This is buying into a phenomenon that makes the Yankees' magic and the Red Sox' mojo look like parlor tricks."

Just checking his math, Mt Rushmore + Disneyland + Eiffel Tower + Yankee magic + Red Sox' mojo = DA CUBS! No, that's not an exagerration at all.

He goes on to say that he prefers that "Cubes" be the one to become the new Northside Majordomo:

"That's why, among the trio of suitors at the top of the list, Mark Cuban likely should be taken most seriously.

Cuban is a lone wolf, a rebel like a much younger Zell who answers to no one but his ego and his sense of fun and his wallet (which is fat)."

However, in delivering his compliment, his holier-than-thou-ness comes out:

"True, Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks. Yawn.

The Mavericks, who've won nothing and resonate globally about as much as the Lansing Lugnuts, are to the Cubs as Tinkerbell is to Godzilla."

Hey Rick, need I remind you that your wondrous Cubs haven't won ANYTHING in 100 YEARS!

Telander: "Mark, I really would love for you to buy the Cubs. I think your ingenuity and passion would really push them over the top. The city would love you forever."

Cuban: "Thanks. I hope it works out."

Telander: "I mean, that other team you own - what are they called again, the Gunfighters or something - they're pretty much irrelevant compared to THE CUBS. Don't you think? I mean, the fans down there probably put ketchup on their hot dogs. Ugh, what heathens."

Cuban: "I hope I do get the Cubs, so I can ban your superannuated, sausage infested ass from Wrigley. Douchebag."

In one line, Telander insulted my favorite basketball team* and a team from my city of birth. Not quite deserving of the Nutz, but pretty close.

Aw fuck it. HegetzdaNutz. In a beautiful Cubs-blue hue.

*I fucking know they haven't won a championship and they've wet the bed magnificently the past 2 years in the playoffs, but they've won 50 games for 8 straight years, one less than the mighty Spurs.

"Yankees Suck!" & Hope, Will Leitch Style

Someone named Kevin Cullen wrote a column published in the Boston Globe a few days back entitled, "Enough Already." Cullen, obviously a Jeter-loving pinko commie, wrote that its time to retire the 'Yankees suck' chant. (Told ya.)

The Globe's Extra Bases bloggy-thingy, my daily go-to for readable Red Sox-related snippets in between bouts of uncontrollable sobbing in my cubicle, boiled Cullen's complaints about the chant to their punctuation-less essence.

• It's obnoxious, crude and moronic
• We won in '04 (and '07), remember?
• Chanting it at a Celtics rally? Come on
• Makes us look like inebriated yokels

Well, allow me to retort!

I think Mr. Cullen misses the point here. His complaints are akin to stating that the DMV has bad customer service, or that the Bush administration is not doing a very good job ('heckova job, brownie! heh!'). Yes, its obnoxious, crude and moronic, and the reason it makes us look like inebriated yokels is because we are inebriated yokels.

"Yankees Suck!" (YS) is slang, meaning it doesn't mean what it says it means. Remember 'bad?' 'That's bad' doesn't mean 'that isn't good', it meant 'that is so, so good i made a little poodie in my pantaloons.' YS has little to do with the Yankees (do they even still play baseball in New York?). Its shorthand for 'we won!' or 'bring it on!' or 'i sure an an inebriated yok...BLEEEEAAAAAAA!!!'

***

In other news, Will Leitch has bought some Oxy10, moved out of his mother's basement, and got hisself a real job. He brings hope to all of us here at Toooast! who aspire to one day leave the confines of our parent's basements and engage in a conversation with a member of the opposite sex that doesn't cost $2.99 for the first minute and $0.99 each additional minute. You go, Will!

Oops, gotta run! "Misty" is on the line and this shit ain't cheap.

Yay! A Blog From an Angry Bitch Who Hates Bitches!

There's no way I can add to the hilarity of this post from Hockey, Football and Stiletto Shoes blog. The author has just discovered the new Tampa Bay Lightning Girls* -- what ISN'T new about the Lightning these days? -- and the serious sports fan in her is superfuckingpissed that they are flaunting what their mamas gave 'em at, of all things, a hockey game.

You really have to read the whole thing, but here are a few of her gems:

If they're there to raise the morale and spirit in the arena, then maybe someone can explain to me how giving all of the pubescent boys in attendance a unison erection boosts home-crowd intensity.

A "unison erection". Wow. Imagine the power! It could be like when the Death Star destroyed Alderaan: all the erections in the arena pointed in one direction at the same time and unleash their collective fury on the enemy. "Thanks Fluffers, er, Lightning Girls! We couldn't have done it without you!"

If you go to the website you can meet the ice bitches.

Meet Karen. At 19 years old, Karen is barley legal (But she IS legal, so boys, you have the green light). What does the picture of Karen laying in dryer lint or whatever the fuck that is have to do with hockey? I don't know, but look, tits!

Tits. Tits are good.

This chick is a serious Penguins fan, and she may just be taking her anger out on the fact that there aren't enough hotties in Pittsburgh to field a Pens Ice Chicks squad.

Digging in to her blog, I found that she even wrote a post about Canadian Football.

I've got my eye on her...

*By the way, isn't the fact that they somehow found 10 strippers that could ice skate, in Tampa, pretty remarkable?

No Phallus at The Palace

It was inevitable, right? We already have a few WNBA players who can dunk. And now we finally have the first bench-clearing brawl involving these fundamentally-sound female cagers. Ironically enough, it took place at the same venue as the infamous "Malice at The Palace" between the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons from November 19, 2004.

The ladies of the Los Angeles Sparks and Detroit Shock did their best to do their NBA brethren proud, but it really turned out to be quite pathetic as Detroit's Cheryl Ford, the daughter of noted douche Karl Malone, ended up hurting her knee trying to hold one of her enraged teammates back. But perhaps the funniest portion of the whole event was when Rick Mahorn -- yes, THAT Rick Mahorn -- current assistant coach of the Shock, went to move the Sparks' Lisa Leslie away from the melee. She ended up going flying and one of her teammates punched Mahorn in the back. "What the fuck? Was that a gnat? Sheeeit, Manute Bol could hit harder than that baby.""

Mahorn was a big dude in his playing days, but he's positively huge now. The entire roster of the Sparks couldn't do any damage to that mountain of a man.



It took a ridiculous brawl to get me to mention the WNBA*. In the SportsCenter highlights of the brawl last night, the guy commenting on the clip made me laugh when he said, "I certainly don't remember ever seeing a brawl in a WNBA game." No shit! You have to actually WATCH a WNBA game first.

Expect Great indeed.

*Wait a minute! They got me talking and thinking about the WNBA. This whole thing was STAGED!! I fell for it! Aaaaahhh!!

Redskins Trade 2nd Rounder for Oily Dancer, Part Time Defensive End

In the NFL idiots rarely win. That's not to say they never win, its just that it doesn't happen often. Most of the time, stupid teams are called on their mistakes. This is called Murphy's Law. This absolutely applies to my Washington Redskins. I don't mean this in a defeatist way. Fate doesn't fate kick the Skins in the balls for no reason. This is simply the residue of ill design.

As I wrote about earlier, the Skins failed to draft defensive lineman in the draft despite having an abundance of draft picks and a clear need at the position due to a serious lack of depth.* This is the equivalent of running around with your balls hanging out at a lumber sports event. Eventually, you're going to get a mallet to the nards.

Balls, meet mallet. Today, not one, but two (!) Redskins defensive lineman went down with season ending injuries in the first three hours of training camp.

(...pause for the traditional throwing of the remote...)

So the Skins did the best they could by trading two draft picks (a 2nd and a 6th) for Pro Bowl dancer and part time defensive end Jason Taylor, formerly of the Miami Dolphins.

Taylor, who poses for homo-erotic pictures in his spare time, will fill the holes left by injured defensive ends Philip Daniels and Alex Buzbee. Also, Taylor posts semi-naked pictures of his throbbing, oily, hairless chest on his personal website. During the off season, he enjoys salsa dancing and not being gay. Also he's going to make $16M over the next two seasons.

This is what you get when you're stupid: a gay salsa dancer to play defensive end for sixteen million dollars. Yeah, this is going to turn out well.

** To be fair, the Skins did draft one defensive lineman, Rob Jackson from Kansas State, in the seventh round.

Redskins Update, Part 1: Oops! (Part 12,807)

There are really three things you should know about the Redskins:

1) They have a pro-bowl caliber tight end in Chris Cooley to whom they just gave a 200 year, 4.7 bazillion dollar contract extension.
2) They are starting 35 year olds on their defensive line.
3) They had three second round picks in last year's draft, yet spent them on the following positions: WR, WR, TE.

Yes, they drafted a second starting tight end (Fred Davis). The fact that he literally slept through his first training camp isn't even germane to this discussion. What is germane is that one hour into the first practice of training camp, the Redskins starting defensive end blew out his knee. Did I mention he's 35 years old? And his back up, much like him, is someone you've never heard of?

I hope Fred Davis can play defensive line, but much like Daniel's backup, I doubt it.

Matty's Baseball Notes: Gaying Up The Interweb Since 1873

* According to Fangraphs.com, Phillies closer Brad Lidge warmed up SIX times before coming into the All-Star game. NL manager Clint Hurdle, never the sharpest sandwich in the tool shedmust've blown a fuse or something. SIX TIMES?!??!** Is Hurdle trying to get his ass kicked by Charlie Manual? (There's a fight I'd pay to see.) Hurdle must be thinking, "Well... gee... (he starts all thoughts with "Well... gee....") if we can't win the NL, I'm going to make dang durn shuuur that them Phils don't neither...buuuuuuuuurp!!"

*I don't understand the outrage over the All-Star game determining home field in the World Series. Makes no sense to me. First of all, who cares? Second, for home field advantage to be any advantage at all the series has to go to the seventh game. Here are the number of times the World Series has gone to seven games in the last ten years: 3 ('97, '01, and '02). That's out of the last ten years. In the last five years: never. This is much poop about nothing.

Also, why is the old way of just handing home field to each league every other year any better? The way they do it now is certainly no stupider than the way its always been done. If they really want to be fair about it they need to go back to even schedules and then give it to the team with the best over-all record. But that's not going to happen.

*Josh Hamilton's display in the home run derby was impressive. Whats more impressive by far to me anyway is that because of the odd circumstances in which he's returned to baseball the Rangers have him for the next four years. He won't be a free agent until the age of 32. Thus, the Rangers are getting his best years for a song.***

*Perhaps Toronto GM JP Ricciardi's biggest offense aside from being somewhat douchey, may be wasting the career of Roy Halladay. In this era of increased information, we know the bones of what makes a great pitcher. Essentially it boils down to as many strikeouts and as few walks as possible, allowing ground balls instead of fly balls, and staying healthy. Halladay does all that. He's probably the best pitcher in baseball over the last five years and he's never been to the playoffs. He still has time to get there (he's only 31 now), but his time as an elite pitcher is dwindling. His best shot at the playoffs will come if Ricciardi gets eaten by a bear (or fired) and/or he gets traded in the off-season.


**Intermittent question and exclamation points are meant to indicate indignation

***Do people say "for a song" anymore?

Nuggets Raise the White Flag

I seldom agree with anything that Woody "Bayless Jr" Paige has to say, but I have to say that his take on yesterday's Marcus Camby trade is dead on. When I saw the news of the trade crawl across my screen after that el turdo gigante* known as the MLB All Star game ended, I was stunned.

They traded Camby for WHAT?? The right to swap second-round draft picks in the 2010 draft? WTF??

Camby is a player that flies under the national radar, but he is undoubtedly one of the top centers in the NBA. Last year, he led the league in blocked shots (3.6 BPG), was second in the league in rebounding (13.1 RBG) and had more double-doubles than Kevin Garnett. He was the Defensive Player of the Year in 2007 and was First Team All-Defense this past season. Granted, he has an ugly shot, but he still managed to drop almost 10 PPG and was a serviceable threat to hit open jumpers and opposing centers had to at least be mindful of where he was.

Now the Nuggets have let Eduardo Najera, a fan favorite and energizer, and Camby go for next to nothing. They're left with Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony to do all of their scoring and they have nobody to play a lick of defense - on a team that was already a sieve to begin with.

I know they're going to save a ton of money on their cap, but this is a move that leaves Nuggets fans and players scratching their heads. They have basically eliminated themselves from playoff contention before the season even starts. Not only that, but they got burned by Elgin Baylor, of all people. How embarrassing!

I love this quote:
"It's not a checkers move, it's a chess move," said Mark Warkentien, Denver's vice president of basketball operations. "Chess is a tougher game to understand and you've got to wait longer to see the results of the move."

Translation: "We don't plan on replacing Camby any time soon, but in the future, we might get another good player. Hang in there!"

Good luck selling that to their fans.

*Actually, as ridiculous as that game almost became, it was fairly entertaining.

Canada - American Football's Compost Heap

It's the absolutely slowest time for sports if the year - there's nothing, not even a WNBA game, to even minutely distract any red-blooded sports fan's attention from the MLB All Star festivities (unless you have the NHL Network)- especially since the game is being played at Yankee Stadium. Did you hear? It's the last year of baseball in the old House That Ruth Built (henceforth to be known as the House That Hamilton Shut the Fuck Down. Increible!).

It's times like this that cause ESPN to actually throw CFL highlights on SportsCentre, er, SportsCenter. You know it's a deathly slow sports news day when video of some Hamilton Ti-Cat drilling a Montreal Alouette*, or even some Winnipeg Blue Bomber QB spiking the ball in to his own nads, makes the nightly Top Ten. However, seeing a few of those clips made me want to take a little time and see which of the Rough Riders (or RoughRiders) teams is doing better and to see whatever happened to the Baltimore Stallions (the only American team to win the Grey Cup, and who promptly moved to Montreal and assumed the old Alouettes name). It turns out that the Ottawa version of the RoughRiders/Rough Riders folded a decade ago and there are currently only 9 teams in the league.

I also learned that the salary cap for CFL teams is $4.05 million ($4.04 million USD). Or less than half of Ken Hamlin's recent signing bonus.

There's a term in Canadian football that always sounded weird to me: "imports." It's a way for Canadian fans and G.M's to say "American" without having to actually mention their imperialistic, gun-toting dullards from the south. In order for the CFL game to have any measure of speed or skill, they had to allow players from the good ol' U.S. of A in - but they made sure that their game wasn't totally overrun by imposing limits on the number of Imports a team could employ. That number is currently 21 on a roster that can't exceed 42.

Another definition of Import could be "NFL Cast-off." A third definition is "CFL Stats Leader.**" Take a look at some of the current statistical pace-setters in the CFL:

Passing:
1. Anthony Cavillo - Montreal - Utah State
2. Henry Burris - Calgary - Temple University
3. Ricky Ray - Edmonton - Sacramento State

All of the top passers are from American colleges. Other notables include NFL flame-outs Michael Bishop (Kansas State) and Jarius Jackson (Notre Dame).

I won't break down rushing and receiving stats, but there are a total of TWO non-imports (aka Canadians) total in the top ten of passing, rushing and receiving. Hell, there are more impactful Canadians playing Major League Baseball right now than in their own football league that has a history as lengthy as the NFL's.

Oh ya - I also stumbled across an Edmonton Sun writer's "Best Defensive Players in CFL History." (In the first sentence, he says, "We all know defence wins championships." Shouldn't it then be "Defencive" players?) Anyways, all ten of them are Amuuurrrican!

How ironic it is that the CFL's current slogan "This is OUR League." Or "Notre Ligue. Notre Football."


(There really wasn't a point to this exercise other than to fill my time during the MLB All Star game and to poke our neighbors to the north with a sharp stick.)


*An "Alouette" is a "Skylark" in English. Lame.

**Yes Gord, there is a CFL Fantasy Football League.

Stanley Cup + Baby Poop = Hilarity!

When your team wins the NHL Championship, you win the Stanley Cup, North American sports oldest and most famous trophy. You get to hold it and you are photographed with it, a moment that all hockey players surely dream of. And as you might guess, when you give a historic and world famous trophy to some (soon to be) drunken dude from Moose Jaw with six teeth, hilarity ensues.

Back in the Cup’s (relative) infancy, less care was given to protecting the cup than is the case today. For example, the Cup has been urinated on, kicked into the Rideau Canal in Ottawa, left on the side of the road, and scratched with a nail by toddlers (no, not Matthew Barnaby).

In more recent years, it has been dropped in a bonfire, urinated on (again), tossed into multiple swimming pools, kissed, used as a pint glass, a horse trough, and a popcorn box, and licked by Hayden Panettiere. (See? Life as the Stanley Cup ain’t that bad.)

Despite this lengthy list of what might be considered Cup Malpractice, in 1995 a new tradition was begun: Hosting the trophy for a day. Each member of the winning team gets to do this. The player takes the Cup back to his house, and carries it around with them during the day. This has, of course, lead to numerous other mishaps.

Which brings us to Chris Draper of the World Champion Detroit Red Wings. Draper apparently thought it would be fun to bathe his infant daughter, Kamryn, in the Cup.

"A week after we won it, I had my newborn daughter in there and she pooped in the Cup," said Draper. "That was something. We had a pretty good laugh.

"It was, well, clean it out. I still drank out of it that night, so no worries."

This is going to make the traditional post-win champagne drinking kind of gross.

An Even Truer Extent to Which Manny Be's Manny

Cell phones are exceedingly convenient. You can use them just about anywhere (though not while driving in New Jersey), and communicate with just about anyone at anytime. Still, some people aren't satisfied.

Take Manny Ramirez, for example. Yesterday's game versus Minnesota contained an apparently long pitching change in the sixth inning. Sometimes this is is an impetus for Manny to relieve himself inside the safety of Fenway's left field wall. Not yesterday though. Yesterday, Manny had a call he had to take (or make, its unclear).

Maybe it had to do with the lost $10K check which bmfs alluded to in yesterday's post. Maybe it was Manny's sick grandmother (this is a favorite excuse - I couldn't link to all the articles about Manny attending to a sick grandmother if I tried). In any case, something important (and funny) needed to be attended to immediately. All I can say is thank God for cell phones.

The Globe obtained visual evidence. Take a gander:

Oops. Sorry, wrong photo. Try this one:

The True Extent to Which Manny Be's Manny

Hearken back, people, to Manny Ramirez's introductory press conference in Boston after he signed his 8-year, $160M deal: Manny shambles up to the dais, settles in behind the mic, gives a double thumbs-up and says, "Bueno."

I can remember thinking, "This space cadet -- in Boston -- is gonna be fun."

Through all the oddball behavior, the phrase "Manny being Manny" has been beaten into the dirt to an extent that it's lost most of its meaning. But I think this incident calls it into pretty sharp focus:

Apparently Reebok once cut Emanuelito a check for $10K, and he just set it aside and forgot about it.

Why did Reebok cut him a check for $10 large? No one knows for sure; as you can see here, Manny's not a Reebok endorser.


You can also see in that photo that Manny appears to have a ten-pound sack of zebra mussels in his pants.

Just Manny being Manny...

.

In The Words Of A Great Amuurican: America! F#$@ Yeah!

By introduction, the incessant need for networks to place Red Sox games on national TV is, for me, a Red Sox fan who doesn't live in Boston, a great thing. For fans of all the other 29 teams, I imagine this practice to be quite annoying.* Still, this allows me, like the rest of America, to watch an inordinate number of Sox games on TV, and this is what I was doing on Saturday afternoon as the Red Sox faced TV's other favorite team, the Yankees. (They play again tonight too, and as you may have guessed, its on national TV.)

In case you were not watching, and shame on you if you weren't, both teams were sporting special 4th of July American Independence Day caps. Like this:

Or this:

Yay.

I didn't think too much of it at first. But I did notice that, oddly enough, the color wasn't quite right on the Yankees cap. The Red Sox caps were also slightly lighter in tone than they normally are. Here is last night's staring pitcher for Boston, Justin Masterson:

And here is Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia from earlier this season:















The lighting is different in the pictures, but the colors are different with yesterday's cap being lighter. The Yankees had the same problem. Nyah:














The color discrepancy pisses me off, as I'm sure it does every member of Uniwatchers. The stars and stripes addition to the hats looks kinda dumb, but whatever. That is until I read this originally from UniWatch, via the great USS Mariner blog. Allow me to quote from both in a confusing manner:

...it’s not just a craven attempt to exploit fans into buying a new cap for $35. Oh no:

A portion of proceeds from all caps sales will go to the Welcome Back Veterans fund

You might wonder what portion that is, exactly.

Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn’t it?

Sorry, wrong quote.

It played out with Uni Watch like so:

MLB PR czar Rich Levin glared at me like I’d just hocked a loogie in his cappuccino or something. “The answer is that that hasn’t been determined yet,” he growled. “But this is a charity initiative — it isn’t about generating revenue.”

“I’m not suggesting otherwise,” I responded. “But there’s a certain level of cynicism out there among some fans, so I was giving you a chance to clarify…”

“We reject that,” he snapped. “We reject the cynicism.”

Uni Watch on the caps
Uni Watch at the press conference

I don’t have a lot to add to that Uni Watch post: these kind of things really annoy me.

But what’s absolutely amazing about this is the raw, unmitigated cynicism of MLB, that they’d launch patriotic themed hats ostensibly to benefit a worthy veterans charity and be totally unprepared to tell anyone what the participation is. I’ve got a pretty dim view of humanity and this shocked me. How could you do this? How do you go lower than this? Are the caps ugly because the program’s ugly? Is this branding a warning by someone on the inside, trying to keep us from falling prey to this program?

This is all just further proof that:

1. MLB are not good with the marketing
2. You can say anything about anything as long as you are trying to sell something
3. I am not a very good blogger
   

*unless their team is playing Boston, of course.

Gilbert Arenas: Crazier Than A Shithouse Rat*

DC has many great things. The amazing history, Capital Hill is a beautiful neighborhood, the monuments of course, the White House, etc. Yet there is one thing that DC has that is really under-reported: more crazy-ass athletes per capita than any other city.

And here's the really amazing thing about this. I only have to cite two athletes to prove this, because they're both crazier than, well, put it this way: ask yourself if they weren't pro athletes, what would they be doing professionally?

I'm talking about Clinton Portis and Gilbert Arenas of course. Portis' craziness has been well documented around the web. Arenas is everybit as crazy, but it is not as obvious. Thats not to say it isn't REALLY obvious.

Take for example the latest Arenas bout. He opted out of his contract with the Wizards in hopes of getting a larger contract. The Wizards then offered him 6 year $127M deal. Arenas, in negotiating mode, turned that down and asked for...



(wait for it.... wait for it...)




...a 6 year $111M deal.

Thats right, he asked for less money. And he got it.

One wonders for a second if this will start some sort of asking-for-less-money-than-is-offered craze among athletes. Theres only one man alive who can possibly know the answer to that question: Dollah Bill.

*Yes, I know I'm ignoring the directive to not post about basketball. What ever. F U.

Okie, Tell Me How Tha Nutz Taste

I try to ignore offseason NFL "news" -- eight months a year of Brett Favre's daily itinerary is enough for me, thanks -- but a recent story caused me enough ass-chappage to merit a POOOAST!!!

And it is this, from a recent AP story:

[Patriots WR Wes] Welker expressed disappointment that the Patriots weren't able to re-sign Asante Samuel, an All-Pro and Pro Bowl selection last season who won two Super Bowls with New England. Samuel instead signed a six-year, $57 million contract with the Philadelphia Eagles.

"Asante's a great player, so it hurts not to have a guy like that. But then again, it's part of the business of the game," Welker said. "He chose money over championships, and that's the way it goes sometimes."

Emphasis mine.

Anyway, two things are implied in that statement: One, that the Eagles will not win a championship while Asante Samuel is on their payroll; and two, that the Patriots will win not just one, but multiple championships during that time period.

Welker, of all people, should know far better, considering he just finished a season with the most dominant regular-season team in NFL history and wound up sans championship. (In fact, he speaks of the devastating Super Bowl loss in the self-same article.)

It's taken just a single year for Welker to absorb and reflect the incredible sense of superiority of the Boston sports culture circa 2008... which might be understandable if he had actually won a fucking championship in said year. Nope, apparently that isn't necessary. (Did he get a ring from the Red Sox?) Instead, he fires a shot off at Samuel (again, Super Bowl rings: 2), and, more blatantly, the Philadelphia Eagles...

...The team whose defense was the first to effectively limit the Patriots' insane offense during their record-crushing undefeated season? The first team all season to have a fourth-quarter lead over the Patriots (on the road, at that), despite starting its third-string quarterback, who threw three interceptions?

Samuel taking his two Super Bowl rings to that team -- which, incidentally, has had ONE losing season in the past decade and has NEVER had salary cap issues -- is choosing money over championships?

Congratulations, Wesley -- you've betrayed yourself to be a tool of the most bloodless organization in professional sports. God help you if you get injured next season or find your skills in a sudden decline (or if the same happens to your meal-ticket quarterback), because you won't have the leeway to try to latch onto a team that's been approved as a championship contender by the minimum-salary schlub who's taken your place on the Pats' roster.

Take the dull mind of an Okie goon, and add to it the pompous self-entitlement of a Boston sports fan... Oh, we couldn't award Tha Nutz fast enough.



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Fuck it. They Aren't Even the Stars Anymore, Dey Da NUTZ

Ambassador of Nutz!

For the first few months that Brett Hull and Les Jackson have been co-General Managers of the Dallas Stars, it seemed that every move they made was golden, including the trade deadline deal for Brad Richards that ended up propelling the team into the Western Conference Finals against Detroit. The Stars had turned a corner and had finally shed their image as playoff pussies and were ramping up to make a serious run at the Cup next season. The city of Dallas was excitedly behind the team and their newfound gritty, “whatever-it-takes” style of play and truly likeable roster.

SCCCRREEEECH!!! CRRRAAASH!

That was the sound of the Brett Hull-driven Dallas NutzBus as the former Ambassador of Fun lost control of the wheel of restraint and signed former roommate/teammate, *known turtle and object of open hatred for Stars captain Brendan Morrow Sean Avery on Wednesday.

"I don't think it's just me, it's our leadership group, but there are things here that we will talk about,'' Morrow said. "We feel we have something special going on here and we feel we are a good team. And I have no problem with what he does as a player or how he works hard or gets people upset. But some of the stuff that makes the individual more important than the team, that's not something we want to see here.''

Other than that, no problem, eh? But hey, it only took a 4 year, $15.5 million, limited no-trade contract – one that put Dallas firmly against the salary cap ceiling -- to get the biggest buffoon in the entire hockey universe to climb aboard. By “limited”, I’m sure it means he can only be traded to cities with the fashion glitz that the Vogue intern needs to survive (L.A., New York…and…?). I can’t wait for next season when, during a lengthy stay on the injured list, Avery gets in tight groove with the higher-ups at Neiman Marcus in Dallas and forgets the real reason he’s in town -- you know, to play professional hockey – and the Stars will be powerless to move him.
So thanks Brett and Les (if you also played a role in this, I haven’t read or heard a quote from you about this deal) for making the rising Dallas Stars in to the biggest asshole team in the L.

*By the way, the unrepentant homerism that Bob Miller, and especially Jim Fox, spew on this clip is truly nauseating.

We Interrupt the Baron Davis Analysis as I Bandage my Hand After Punching the Wall

So I'm just about to launch in to a lengthy poooast on the effects on the NBA of Boom Dizzle moving down the coooast to the LA Clippers, when I hear that Dallas Stars co-GM Brett Hull is about to jump on the radio to talk about THE SIGNING OF FUCKING SEAN AVERY DOUCHE BY THE DALLAS STARS. Thankfully I haven't eaten yet today or else I'd be cleaning vomit off my keyboard.

Well, it's official. The Dallas Stars are now the moooast hated team in the NHL. Brendan Morrow + Steve Ott + Sean Avery Douche = Public Enemy #1. They may as well change their logo in to a giant target. Or maybe the finger.

Plus, Avery Douche reportedly has signed a 4-year deal for $15.5 million, making him the 7th highest paid Star, where he will make significantly more than Mike Modano, the face of Dallas hockey. Embarassing. Not to mention that the Stars are now right up against the cap. Hull himself just said, "We're done, free agent-wise." On the same day that the hated Red Wings just signed Marian Hossa. Well, at least Dallas will out-PIM the Wings when they play next year.

According to Hull, the Stars needed more "grit." So now they're paying a guy douche $3.9 million a year who scored 33 points, missed 25 games but still managed to rack up a whopping 154 penalty minutes. Hell, Niklas Hagman, to whom the Stars wouldn't even pay $3 million a year, had 27 goals, was a strong penalty killer, only racked up 51 PIM and played all 82 games last season.

However, listening to Hull spin it on the radio, he's talking me in to it a little (could be my Stars-colored glasses), as he thinks that the character and energy that Avery Douche brings to a team are immeasurable, and enforcing that with the classic "every one of his Ranger teammates loves him and hates to see him go" line. Hull himself was pretty much of a wild card while he played, and that, combined with his previous relationship with Avery Douche, make the signing a fairly obvious move.

I absolutely hated when the Stars signed Matthew Barnaby a few years ago, as I thought he was the biggest waste of a jersey in the league. Seeing him close-up for a season though softened me on him quite a bit. Hopefully the same thing will happen with this signing. If nothing else, the main Neiman Marcus downtown now has a new show pony douche.

In related Dallas sports news, the Mavericks, who were expected to sign DaSagana Diop, Marquis Daniels, Keith Van Horn, Pavel Podkolzin and the rest of the 2006 NBA Finals-losing roster ("We're getting the band back together!", settled for eventual D-League flame-out Gerald Green. Big fucking deal.

Your Tampa Bay Lightning -- Starring Olaf Kolzig as Bill Ranford... and Mike Smith as Olaf Kolzig!

Poor Smitty. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

After his trade from Dallas to Tampa (oddly enough, the location of the St. Petersburg Times Forum), Mike Smith first had to play for noted goalie-crusher John Tortorella, and it appeared he would get a reprieve when the team's new ownership cashiered ol' Torts. But not so fast...

As Capitals fans may recall, new Lightning coach Barry Melrose -- then an ESPN analyst -- pushed very stridently for the Capitals to start the overripe Bill Ranford in net for the 1997-98 Stanley Cup playoffs. And, as even non-Capitals fans may recall, the mostly untested Kolzig led the team all the way to the Finals. Ranford would soon retire.

The new Tampa Bay braintrust -- New, from the makers of "Saw 3"! -- has brought in Kolzig on a one-year, $1.5M deal. Kolzig -- already shown to be a chronic overestimator of his viability as a player, and no sort of mentor to a younger goaltender -- will probably be billed as having been signed to "compete" with Smith for the starting job, but color me skeptical. Given Melrose's on-record opinions over the years, I wonder how long a proverbial rope Kolzig will be given as a starter. (If nothing else, hockey fans have long and obsessively detailed memories.)

And what a paltry contract for a guy who still considers himself a top-tier starter, albeit wrongly. Given his tantrum-stained departure from Washington, it seems reasonable that the biggest selling point of this deal is that he'll get to play against his former team eight times this season.

And finally, on a more "meta" level, consider this: for the first time ever, a professional sports franchise is making splashy moves in part to displace the Tampa Bay Rays from the front of the sports page. We are through the looking glass, people.

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Blogosphere: On Ear. BMFS: On Ass. My PC: On Fritz.

All due respect to NHL free agency, but the real news -- or "poopy," in the Matty parlance -- in the sports world is that Will Leitch has abandoned deadspin.com for the Bissingerian realms of "legitimate" journalism.

Obviously, this has left me in a tailspin, and unable to post.

But I'll try, with some NHL notes:

Dumbest rumor of the week: Brendan Shanahan returning to New Jersey. How in the hell does any story involving the Devils signing a high-priced free agent pass the sniff test?

And take heart, NHL fans: your team didn't acquire Joni "Pepperidge Farm" Pitkanen.* The Carolina Hurricanes did. Fantastic trade for Edmonton -- I would rather have a physically fragile Erik Cole than a mentally fragile Pitkanen, who will be perpetually overpaid because he was a top-5 draft pick. How-EVAH: if the 'Canes managed to rehab Sergei Samsonov's career, maybe this will work. It's amazing what playing in total anonymity will do for a marshmallow-brained player.

In other news, it's OK to hate the Colorado Avalanche again! They've signed the NHL's preeminent gutless puke, Darcy Tucker.


*He's a turnover factory. Waka waka waka!

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The Around, Toooooooooooast Style

Since my friends in TexAss are decidedly DOA, it falls to me to keep this blog only grossly behind the times. Heres your whirlwind around the world of sports, Toooooooooooast style. (you bitches)

The NHL free agency period began this morning and due to spreadsheet and report writing obligations here at work I've only learned one thing: The Caps resigned their young offensive (meaning "can't play defense") defenseman Mike Green to a new four year deal. The deal is for somewhere in the neighborhood of $4M per year, depending on who you talk to. If you talk to the WWL they say its 20.something million, but if your source is Lenny over at the asylum the deal only involves lima beans and boogers.

This is both a great and terrible deal. Its a great deal because Green is an excellent young player with considerable skill now and some upside. Its a terrible deal because now Green has roughly twenty million dollars to blow on his hair. Someone alert Choo Choo.



Is this mic still on...?



In other news, My Man Manny (aka Manny Being Manny, aka Manny Peeing On Stuff, aka Turd Turdy-Poopity-kins) decided he'd continue the groundbreaking work being done by such artists as the late Latrell Spreewell* and his progeny, Shawn Chacon. Upon learning that he wouldn't be getting as many tickets as he wanted for an upcoming game, Manny shoved the Red Sox traveling secretary to the ground. Then he urinated on him, teabagged him, took a picture and posted it on the internet.** You can see it here.

Also, A-Rod may, I repeat MAY, be sleeping with Madonna.

*Turns out he isn't dead. Oops.

**May not technically be true.