Ed Wade Will F*$# Your Ass Up. (Bitch.)

Ed Wade isn't the smartest tool in the shed. Still, he's somehow managed to become the general manager of two major league baseball teams. That's not a small accomplishment, and in fact, its pretty impressive.

However, that's not to say he is any good at it. Some might delicately say he isn't among the top ten GMs in baseball. Other slightly more crass people might say Wade is an idiot. But, as is often the case, the truth is, well, in this case Wade actually is an idiot.

To drive home that point, Wade has made a number of boneheaded moves in his first year guiding the Houston Astros. He traded a number of good young players to Baltimore for Miguel Tejada a day before Tejada's name was revealed to be included on a list of players who took steroids in the Mitchell Report. Anytime you get duped by Baltimore you know you're not doing too well.

Also, he signed Shawn Chacon. Chacon, an alternately mediocre and terrible pitcher, who has bounced around from team to team, most recently with Pittsburgh before Wade brought him to Houston.

The Astros have had trouble preventing runs this year and Chacon was not very likely to improve on that. And, surprise, he didn't! He was moved to the bullpen from the starting rotation this week. I'll let the NY Times take it from here:

Chacon, upset after getting demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, told The
Houston Chronicle the problem began when Wade saw him in the dining room before the game against Texas. Wade wanted to meet with Chacon in Manager Cecil
Cooper’s office, the pitcher said. Chacon said he didn’t want to go to the office, and he told Wade that they could talk in the dining room. Chacon said that Wade then began to yell, and he said he asked Wade not to yell at him. Chacon said that after Wade told him he needed to “look in the mirror,” he grabbed him [by the neck] and threw him to the ground.

Unlike Spreewell (who, come on now, just had to feed his children), Chacon's reaction somehow seems warranted.

Still, you have to hand it to Wade. You wouldn't think screaming and swearing at a player in full view of his teammates would likely to do much to improve either the quality of pitching on the team nor the chemistry in the clubhouse, but Wade is an outside the box thinker and he's willing to try anything to make his team better. Kudos, sir!

A more cynical person might suggest the possibility exists that Wade only pulled this stunt to promote his new book, "Git'n Yo Ass Beat: The art of people skills," by Ed Wade. However, that would require some forethought, which makes the suggestion unlikely.

Carlin Dies, I Improve Vocabulary

I'll save the eloquence for bmfs, but this was a gut-punch as I was listening to NPR on I76 this morning:

George Carlin, Splenetic Comedian, Dies at 71*

That sucks. Heres wishing you the best on the other side, George. I'm sure the sun will be happy to see you.

*Yes, I had to look up "splenetic."

Advanced Bullpen Statistics

By some advanced metrics the Philadelphia Phillies may have the best bullpen so far this season. They've done a terrific job keeping inherited runners from scoring and have allowed homers at an infinitesimal rate. Still, and maybe this is the fanboy in me talking, while I think relief pitching stats have come a long way in the last decade, there are still some things that they aren't yet able to calculate. The ability to step in and assume the closer role, for instance. The veteran-ocity of the pen.

And there are still other things which as baseball analysts, we don't even consider when talking about what makes a good bullpen. Like the ability to cover Milli Vanilli's Blame It On The Rain. Lets see Brad Lidge and Tom Gordon do that.

The Red Sox get a bad rap around here sometimes, but what other team consistently entertains its fans in this way? And even the fans themselves get into the act sometimes. Good luck seeing that at Yankee Stadium.

More Bad News for the Orioles... And This Time They Don't Even Deserve It

Monday night I was watching a bit of the Astros/Orioles game on TV -- mostly to bask in the beauty of Oriole Park at Camden Yards and chuckle to myself over the fugazy-fleet pitching staff Ed Wade has assembled -- when new Oriole franchise centerpiece Adam Jones came up to bat. Given that I'm involuntarily elbow-deep in Cowboys nonsense on a year-round basis here in Texas, it occurred to me, "hey, 'Adam' is the given name of Pacman Jones, that festering boil on the ass of professional sports."

Then, a mere 36 hours later, by total coincidence, this: Pacman now wants to be referred to as Adam, even though no one has ever called him that in his entire life, even his momma.

And given how yours is a household name as long as you have the Big Blue Star on the side of your helmet, if this "Adam" thing goes through, the Orioles outfielder could win 10 straight batting titles and will still forever live in the shadow of one of sports' all-time bad apples.

"There was nothing wrong with my name until after I got traded to Baltimore. Then that crazy-ass West Virginia strip-club addict signed with the fuckin' Cowboys and changed his name!"

-----
Postscriptum: Today the door fell off my refrigerator. Just felt like it merited mention.

.

Chocolate City - Can You Dig It?

I can hear Parlaiment in the background already...

Chocolate City"
Uh, what's happening CC?
They still call it the White House
But that's a temporary condition, too.
Can you dig it, CC?

Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama may be on his way to making the White House a little more fun, and a whole lot funkier. When speaking with Jimmy Kimmel the other day, Obama had this to say:

“I hear there’s a bowling alley and obviously that hasn’t gone too well,” Obama told comic Jimmy Kimmel in a satellite interview from Philadelphia on Sunday. “So we’re getting rid of the bowling alley and replacing it with a basketball court in the White House.”

Aw, helll yaaa. Bowling? How much more white can you get? Get a brutha up in that bitch, and we get some lunchtime hoops rollin'.

"Alright Ahmadinejad, best of three for your rights to nuclear facilities. Check it up."

Hey, uh, we didn't get our forty acres and a mule
But we did get you, CC, heh, yeah
Gainin' on ya
Movin' in and around ya
God bless CC and its vanilla suburbs


Place your orders now for the Official Obama Throwback!

Bob Ford Can Suck My Red Sox Nation Membership Card

With apologies to the wonderful folks at Firejoemorgan.com, I present a play in seventy eight parts entitled, Bob Ford: Two Ways To Cross A River.



Red Sox Nation: Scourge on the country

By Bob Ford, Inquirer Sports Columnist



Someone find M. Night Shyamalan and get him down to Citizens Bank Park tonight. There's a horror story to be told.



I see people. I see annoying people. I see annoying people wearing blue hats with a red B on the front.



And they're . . . they're . . . everywhere!



-thinks Ford: "Ha ha! hmmm hmmm...Hilarious stuff, Ford, hilarious! I wonder if my readers will know I'm taking about Red Sox fans though?"


Yes, it is the seemingly annual invasion of the denizens of Red Sox Nation.


"There! Now they will! Ha ha!" (Bob Ford laughs a lot in his head because Bob Ford thinks there is nothing funnier than Bob Ford.)


(Motto: In Us We Irritate.)


Bob Ford's Motto: Motto Writing Sense Make Don't That


It is a nation whose currency is based on being cloying, self-important, pompous, overly loud and, regrettably, ever-present, and the economy is great. Axis of Evil? You make your list of nations that belong and I'll make mine.



Red Sox fans are comparable to the Taliban. Ha ha! Hilarious! And so so true. Stamp it: Another great joke by Bob Ford!


Once, there was something appealing about the passion that Boston fans brought to the team that had broken their hearts on such a regular basis.


Now, because the Red Sox are a good team, I label that same passion as "cloying" and "irritating."


The Red Sox played their home games in a quirkily interesting, if decaying, ballpark. The team offered a counterbalance to the corporate machine of the New York Yankees. Boston fans who were flung to the far reaches of the country came out to support the Sox, and that was fine. That was then, this is now.



"We're at now now. Everything that is happening now is happening now"
"Go back to then!"

"I can't. We missed it."
"When?"

"Just now."



Catch 'em, tag 'em, put 'em on the Northeast Limited to Back Bay Station if they like it there so much.



Nothing Red Sox fans love more than.. Back Bay Station? This is easily one of the strangest sentences I've ever read.



The rest of us are tired of having them around. The Red Sox, thanks largely to their streak-breaking championship in 2004, became cuddly, cute, popular, and attractive to great scads of casual fans who wanted to glom onto the gravy train.


-There is no question the Sox are a very popular team now, but if you think they haven't been selling tickets until '04 you simply A) haven't been paying attention, and B) haven't bothered to look anything up. The Red Sox have had over 2 million in attendance every year since 1986 (with the exception of the 1994 strike shortened season). They've been over the league average in yearly attendance every year but one (1997) in that same time period, and that's with the smallest ballpark in the majors.



My point: I don't think this is a 3 or 4 year blip on the radar. And I think Bob Ford could have easily looked this up and come up with a different, more factually based baseless insult.



There's nothing cuddly or cute about a team with a $133 million payroll.


-The Red Sox aren't here to be cute and cuddly, you moron. They are trying to win baseball games. Maybe having lived in Philadelphia for so long, where the local team's goal is to be cute and cuddly, has warped your mind.

Headline: Philadelphia Inquirer: Phillies Win World Series, Fail To Be Cute And Cuddly

You can't be an underdog if you spend like the Kennedys.

-Again, not the goal here. That said, great reference, Bob Ford. Ha! The Kennedys! Love IT!

If the Red Sox - who struggled to draw one million fans under the penurious final seasons of Yawkey family ownership


[inaccurate; simply not true]


- were once a cold-water walk-up on Kenmore Square, they are now a gated compound on the Cape. Oh, I know. The fans sing songs together and have other adorable rituals, and tend to overlook small things like the fact that Manny Ramirez is one of the most selfish, self-indulgent players in the game. Ah, c'mahn. He's a Sawk.


-There it is. Saw that coming from a billion miles away. The easy go-to for any lazy sportswriter. Just start piling on Manny. "He's the most selfish, lazy, disrespectful, doesn't-care-about-playing-the-game-the-right-way, grit-less, closes-the-door-in-old-people's-faces-when-leaving-the-grocery-store, poops-in-the-sink, player in the game!" Please ignore the fact that many players (you know, the people who actually play baseball) say that Manny is a great teammate and one of the hardest working players in baseball. Fact has no place here! This is Bob Ford Country!



Well, self-indulgence loves company, so much so that somewhere around 15,000 fans nationwide have sent in their $15 to become official citizens in the nation, complete with membership cards and newsletters and probably a secret lyrics sheet.


-Um... funny?


Last year, the team held an election to select the president of Red Sox Nation. Nominations were received from just about every state in the union and several foreign countries, a total of 1,200 candidates in all. Unfortunately, Pennsylvania and New Jersey were not among the exceptions.



-This, friends, is news. Hard news. Or, as we in the industry call it, Bob Ford News. You see, Bob Ford has such a rep that the word "hard" in "hard news" has been replaced with his name, "Bob Ford." As in, "Hey! I just got a call from the President. Stop the presses! Stop the presses, people! This is some Bob Ford News!



From a year ago.



For those who missed it, the winner was Jerry Remy, a former player and now a color analyst for the New England Sports Network. The run-up to the election included a debate among the leading candidates that was shown on NESN and moderated by Tim Russert.



Remy, no doubt, ran on a platform that called for more annoying sing-alongs, louder shouts from the stands in Boston accents even more fake than those presently employed and, of course, better turnout on the road.



-Job Ad For Bob Ford's Position At The Philadelphia Inquirer:

Wanted: Sports Columnist. Must be able to write 3-4 columns a week of
about one thousand words in length. Must be topical, interesting, well
researched and supported by facts. Sense of humor a plus. Experience
in newspapers and sports necessary.

Job Ad That Bob Ford Saw For His Position At The Philadelphia Inquirer:

Wanted: Cheetos Eater/Sports Columnist. Must be able to eat Cheetos and Doritos simultaneously. Occasionally with dip or guacamole. Drinking soda may also be required. Also, occasionally, will have to write column about "sports." Does not need to be accurate, or supported by any data. Sense of humor not required.

That last pledge might be tough. The Red Sox led the major leagues in average road attendance last season (38,641) and, combined with daily sellouts at Fenway, played to an amazing 90.1 percent of seating capacity for the 162-game schedule.



This season, the Sox trail only the Yankees in road attendance, but if they keep winning and the Yanks keep losing, that will flop again.



According to ESPN, Bob Ford is not right. The World Wide Leader says the Mets are the leader in road attendance. The Red Sox are second and the Yankees are 22nd. Could Bob Ford have mixed up the Yankees with the Mets? Would such a grievous error become such a man as... [shudder]... Bob Ford, creator of Bob Ford News and the Bob Ford Stamp, all of which I just made up? Unpossible I say!



Earlier this year, Hank Steinbrenner, part-owner of the Yankees and son of legendary windbag George Steinbrenner, said he doesn't believe in Red Sox Nation.



"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets," Steinbrenner said. "This is a Yankee country."



-There is no finer source of windbaggery than Hank Steinbrenner. No dispute here.



At the moment, judging by the national deficit and some unfortunate policy missteps, this actually seems to be a Kansas City Royals kind of country. But we'll leave that debate for another time and focus instead on this question for Mr. Steinbrenner: What in the world are you talking about?



There are Yankees hats out there, certainly. I see them in plaid and argyle and all black, and worn sideways with no bend to the brim. Those are prevalent, and I honestly don't know what they are, but they are not baseball hats.



Everywhere else are the blue hats with the red B on the front. Those are stained and weathered, and the brims are curved to keep out the sun.



-Stamp it: Another great joke by Bob Ford! (For some reason I find the idea of Bob Ford thinking this while pounding on his desk funny. I'm sure whomever shares the cube next to his is close to dropping their monitor on his head.)



The people who wear them have a big team that pretends to be little [how?], a team that won a championship in 2004 and then another last season. They are very happy with themselves.



-As they should be. Winning two World Series in four years is a very difficult thing to do. Know how many teams have done it? I'll Bob Ford a number: 6! Six teams have done it in the four hundred and seventy eight year history of baseball. I'd say that's good.



Starting tonight at Citizens Bank Park, they will be back and, regardless of the outcomes, it will be a long three-game series. Forget Shyamalan. Someone find William Peter Blatty. We need an exorcism.



-Stamp it: Another great column by Bob Ford! Now its Cheetos time!

Chipper Jones Presented "Can't Win For Losing" Award, Cuts Hand on Trophy

Much I dislike him -- being a Phillies fan and all -- Larry Wayne Jones, Jr., is a true marvel of modern ballplayin'. At a rickety age 36, Jones is hitting over .400 including near-even switch-hitting splits, and he recently hit his 400th home run. But his body is breaking down at an alarming rate, and in a truly tragicomic chain of events.

Now this: Jones just sustained a facial injury in batting practice in Anaheim when he was hit in the eye with a ball... off his own bat. Apparently he fouled a ball straight up, off the underside of the front lip of the batting cage, and straight back down into his face.

I am still seeking confirmation that he staggered out of the batting cage and promptly stepped into a bear trap that someone had discarded near the on-deck circle.*

What's next for this guy -- a violent collision with Fred Lynn at an autograph show? Some sort of incident with Fred Taylor's groin? Fallen on and crushed by David Wells?

-----------------

Update -- Ryan Howard just hit a three-run bomb that landed someplace near Belleville, Illinois. Sixth inning: Phillies 17, Cardinals 1. Aaand the boos rain down from the denizens of Baseball Heaven... Gee, I thought they only did that sort of thing in big, mean Philly.

God damn, I hate the Cardinals.

------------------

*Then got wet paint on his jacket, ran head-first into a wedding cake, put his hand on a hot stove, and fell over the railing into the harbor a la Officer Nordberg.

.

Topicality

Since I'm not allowed to post about basketball you won't hear anything about this from me (AMAZINGCOMEBACKGAMEOFTHECENTURYBLAHBLAHCRAP!!!). But, since I'm off work today (What? Its Flag Day, people!) I thought I'd post some crap anyway. So here's some topicality for you. Nga nga nga?

***

Surprise! Ovechkin Wins Norris! (MVP For You Non-Hockey Fans.)


Despite letting the cat out of the proverbial bag about a week ago (you gotta love the NHL store's Hockey Hints© series), last night officially confirmed that Capitals star winger Alex Ovechkin was the Norris Trophy winner. In a result that had all the suspense of the fight for the democratic nomination, Ovechkin beat out Flames star Jarome Iginla and Penguins deep sea diver Sidney Crosby for the award.

Ovechkin was suitably excited by the proceedings, at one point saying that he was very nervous. After a few minutes he did manage to get his sea legs about him, and went on to say that "next year Crosby be go'n down like a five dolla ho."

Ovechkin wore a red tie and vest, which you can see in the above photograph (thanks Washington Post!). This is the first time I can remember seeing a Washington sports star dress in team colors since Deion Sanders joined the Redskins, ushering in the DSA or Deion Sanders Age (DSA). Not coincidentally, that age is also known, by the way, as the AWFTFTEITHORTRFARPMMPIHOM or Age Where For The First Time Ever In The History Of Recorded Time Rooting For A Redskins Player Made Matty Puke In His Own Mouth.

Sanders, who was fawned over by then-writer Tony "T.K. Stack Money!" Kornheiser like a six year old girl cradling a baby bunny, wore a burgundy suit with a gold tie to his first Redskins press conference. This would turn out to be the most notable thing he would do as a Redskin.

***

If A Letter Arrives And Nobody Replies, Was It Ever Sent?


A few months ago former Baltimore Oriole team MVP and admitted HGH user Jay Gibbons, shown above doing what he does best, sent a letter to 29 major league teams asking for a minor league contract to prove he can still play. Oddly enough, I recently sent letters to all major league teams asking for a minor league contract as well. Making the whole thing even stranger, I signed my name "former Baltimore Oriole team MVP and admitted HGH user Jay Gibbons." A rethinking of my strategy may be in order.

Much like myself, Gibbons, who is still to receive roughly $20M from Orioles owner/franchise murderer Peter Angelos, received no replies to his most generous offer. Why do I bring this up? Because, according to Deadspin.com Gibbons has finally received an offer to play. Hmmm... you say. The Orioles want him back? Nope. The Blue Jays want to see if he can add some power to their overly-gritty lineup. Nope, wrong again. Gibbons will be joining the...

[snizza drum roll please...]

Camden Riversharks!! Well, maybe not them specifically, but he'll be playing in the independent Atlantic League. Having attended a single game in Camden a few weeks ago, I consider myself an expert on that league. In that vein, I would like to offer some notes of advise and caution to Gibbons on the following if he does end up playing in Camden:

1. Avoid investing in local real estate
2. Bring ear plugs to renditions of the National Anthem
   
3. Make sure you don't get traded by a six year old
4. Watch out for Mr. Trash
   

More when basketball season mercifully ends.

Breaking News!

I interrupt this basketball discussion to bring you breaking news! Apparently, the Baltimore Orioles have drafted a second baseman from St. John's High School in Washington DC. His name is ...

[official snizza drumroll please...]

L.J. Hoes.

Thank you, that is all.

My Last Reaction to RefGate.

I'm in no way convinced that NBA games are fixed. NBA refs are human and can definitely be influenced by home crowds (like Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun). The NBA is somewhat unique in that there are far more instances where officials make calls that have an influence on the game - it's the nature of basketball. Granted, MLB umps make more actual "calls" per game, but basketball is the only sport, other than soccer, where players get in foul trouble or teams are awarded points due to fouls. Therefore, the impact of calls is magnified. We've all heard the line, "They could call a foul or traveling every time down the floor if they wanted," and it's true. Thankfully, they don't.

The subjectivity of the NBA rules offers a gray area that a fan of either team can argue back and forth over any specific call. It's hard to do that when you have visual evidence of a strike in baseball or a hold in football. Blaming the refs is way too easy in basketball.

Refs/officials in all sports earn reputations (see Brad Watson) for how they call a game or for their history with a particular team, so to say the NBA is unique in dealing with these accusations is naive. When talking about game 7 of the Stars-Canucks series last year, the first thing I remember is "The refs fucked the Stars." We remember The Deckinger Game in the World Series. What about Jerry Kramer being offsides in The Ice Bowl? Were these games fixed as well?

These new Donaghy accusations are way too convenient, and are fairly obvious reactions to the league demanding $1 million in restitution from him. He picked a couple of the most infamous instances in NBA history where fans have accused the league of influencing games. When Phil Jackson was asked for his reactions yesterday about the officiating of game 6 of the 2002, he responded:

"Was that after the fifth game [that] we had the game stolen away from us after a bad call out of bounds and gave the ball back to Sacramento and they made a 3-point shot? There's a lot of things going on in these games and they're suspicious, but I don't want to throw it back to there."

Exactly. When people attacked the refs for missing Derek Fisher's foul at the end of game 4 of the Lakers-Spurs series, my first thought was, "What about them missing Fisher's shot hitting the rim that would've reset the shot clock and rendered the final play moot?" So who were the refs favoring there?

Similarly, how does it make sense for the league to unfairly target Yao Ming, as was insinuated by Donaghy, during the 2005 Mavs-Rockets Series. If the bottom line is money for the NBA, doesn't it make more sense that they would actually favor their global poster boy for the league?

Like Richie Whitt writes, it's fun to play Blame the Refs, but I 'm not sold they actually enter games with the outcomes predetermined.

Where Theres Smoke Theres... Well, Theres Lots Of Smoke

Following up on snizza's excellent analysis, I wanted to point out what Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post had to say about the same issue in his column this morning, that of NBA officials fixing or throwing games.

Take it away, Wilbon:

Jackson's comments before Game 3, when he learned of the latest from Donaghy, didn't help the image of referees unduly influencing games. Most unaffiliated observers of the now-infamous Kings-Lakers Game 6 here in 2002 thought the Lakers benefited from blatantly one-sided officiating that allowed them to advance to and win a Game 7, then the NBA championship. Asked about this, Jackson said: "Was that after the fifth game after we had the game stolen away from us after a bad call out of bounds and gave the ball back to Sacramento and they made a three-point shot? There's a lot of things going on in these games and they're suspicious, but I don't want to throw it back to there."

Stolen? Suspicious? Even if Jackson meant nothing, it's exactly the kind of talk that is ever-present in NBA circles, even from former coaches and both former and current players. It's nothing for a player to say to a reporter, "You know the league needs a Game 6 in this series, so we never had a chance tonight." It's something I've never heard in 28 years of covering Major League Baseball or the NFL. But it's a constant part of the NBA, to the point that players inquire all the time about which officials are working certain games.

Players and coaches often have strong feelings on which referees are more likely to be influenced by the home crowd and which dare to be booed by making tough calls on the road. Much of it can be supported anecdotally, and it's all been part of the NBA culture for at least the last 40 years.

I have heard people complain about officials making biased calls for the purpose of altering the outcome of NHL games, but Wilbon is correct when he says that allegations of throwing games by the league are unique to the NBA. Kinda makes you wonder. Especially so when you end up with the aberrant results from Game 2, and then Game 3 comes along and the calls just switch on a dime.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

In the words of legendary asswhip TV character, Gomer Pyle, "Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!"

Guess which referees just "happened" to come up in the rotation for tonight's must-win game for the home team, as reported on this Celtics blog:

Joey Crawford

Home Team ATS 32-22-3
Home Team W/L 36-21
Avg. Home Score 103.5
Avg. Road Score 96.9
Home Avg. Margin 6.6


Mark Wunderlich*

Home Team ATS 37-32-3
Home Team W/L 46-26
Avg. Home Score 101.5
Avg. Road Score 95.6
Home Avg. Margin 6.0

And....drum roll please...........






Bennett Salvatore

YES!! Don't drop the soap Celtics, Salvatore the Impaler is in the house! Kobe may as well set up a Barcalounger on the free throw line.

Home Team ATS 42-35-0
Home Team W/L 52-25
Avg. Home Score 103.0
Avg. Road Score 97.9
Home Avg. Margin 5.0

If you're counting, these three refs are a combined 134-72 SU for the home team. I'd love to hear the pre-game discussions amongst the Celtics players as they realize they're going to be playing 5 against 8 tonight.

*By the way, Crawford and Wunderlich were two of the officials who let L.A. off the hook at the end of game 4 of the San Antonio series, when Fisher "fouled" Barry at the end of the game. David Stern could not do more to guarantee a Lakers victory if he launched the entire Celtics team in to space. Good times!

Half Birthdays And The Atlanta Braves

My wife celebrates half birthdays. So six months after your actual birthday, you get a sorta half holiday. It was kinda weird at first, but I've grown to like it. Its a chance for her and I to out and get some dinner, and buy each other dumb gifts.

My half birthday was a few months ago, and my wife got me tickets directly behind home plate for last Friday's game to see the Camden Riversharks, who play in what must be one of the nicest minor league ballparks in the country. Here's a picture:














The park is right off the Delaware River in Camden, NJ. As you can see from the pictures, the Ben Franklin Bridge is right behind the outfield fence, and somewhat reminiscent of Yankee Stadium's B train going past the outfield and the Amtrack train that rumbles past Safeco Field in Seattle, the PATCO train goes right over the bridge, giving a perfect view into the park. All in all, its a very charming place to catch a ballgame.

By chance the starting pitcher for the Riversharks was former Padres starter Brian Lawrence. I didn't recognize any opponent York Revolution players, but I did notice that the Riversharks catcher was former Met, Dodger, and Blue Jay, Jason Phillips. In what is probably a sad statement about my social life, I recognized both Phillips and Lawrence immediately, even going so far to discourse to my wife about which teams they played for and when.

My wife had bought possibly the best seats in the house, as we were seated in the second row behind the catcher. The people in front of us were gripping that net that saves you from getting killed on balls that are fouled straight back. Seated in front of us (and then behind us when a family showed up to claim their seats) was a man with a radar gun. Because he was in front of me, I could read the gun during the first few innings. According to the gun, Lawrence didn't top 85 mph, and regularly sat around 82. Still, he comes from the side, and as a right hander, I can see how he would give right handed hitters a problem.

Lawrence ended up pitching very well. The recap is here, but the short version is he struck out eight, didn't walk anyone, and only gave up a few hard hit balls over eight innings. He did allow two runs though, which was two more than Camden could generate against someone named Corey Thurman.

I bring this all up because days after seeing Lawrence barely break 80mph in Camden, he was picked up by the Braves. Thats the Atlanta Braves. I'm guessing the man with the radar gun worked for them, and he must've been sufficiently impressed by Lawrence's work that he put in a recommendation.

So, here's the big finish: Neat, huh?

**The riversharks' roster is here. Check it out and see how many names you recognize.

**Matty's Minor League Adventures (MMLA) continue this coming weekend, when I visit Allentown, PA to see the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs take on the Pawtucket Red Sox. I'm holding out hope that Clay Buchholz pitches for the Pawsox. How cool would that be? I'll be sure to bring my camera (and masturbatory sock) for that.

How To Tell If Jay Mariotti Is Aroused

The following chart was posted on the fabulous deadspin.com by poster Matt Sussman, who deserves knighthood as far as I'm concerned.


After "Aroused" I enjoy "Petulant."

When I Think "Long History of Animosity," I Think "Gord Kirke"

CTV, the operator of TSN -- Canada's version of ESPN, which is likewise owned in part by ABC/Disney -- has purchased the rights to the iconic "Hockey Night In Canada" theme and plans to use it on their NHL broadcasts and 2010 Vancouver Olympic hockey coverage.

Imagine that, a decade or so ago, CBS had purchased the rights to the theme song to "Friends" and then used it as the theme song to "Everybody Loves Raymond." Well, that ludicrosity* isn't far from what's happened here. On Saturday nights and throughout the early rounds of the Stanley Cup playoffs, TSN and CBC often show games at the same time:

"Watch TSN's new and improved NHL coverage this Saturday night -- now with the CBC's theme song!"

From the Globe and Mail article:

"CBC sports executive director Scott Moore said he doubts a deal would ever have been struck with [the songwriter] because of a 'long history of animosity' between the parties.

But in an apparent change of heart Monday, the network announced it was making a last-ditch effort to rescue the beloved theme song and had asked sports lawyer Gord Kirke to mediate negotiations between the two parties."

First of all, is there any sporting issue whatsoever in Canada that does not involve Gord Kirke? Second of all, Kirke -- literate Philadelphians may recall -- was the attorney for the Lindros family throughout Eric Lindros' Flyers tenure, which could charitably be described as the sort of "long history of animosity" he was hired by the CBC to assuage.

Kirke is also involved in the pig-pile that passes for the front office of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Perhaps to avoid beginning yet another "long history of animosity," the brain trust** there has apparently decided to sit tight without a general manager for a full season and wait until the contract of Anaheim GM (and noted Masshole and Ted Kennedy doppelganger) Brian Burke expires. Inspired!

Even if the machinations behind the scenes are questionable at best, at least we'll still get to hear the theme song.


*Not a word; should be.
**More like "bran trust" -- those old coots. Ha! I kill me!!

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The REAL Big Three in Boston

For the first time in the playoffs, all three members of The Big Three showed up at once and took control of the game last night in Boston.

Garnett, Pierce and Allen?

Nope.

Crawford. Delaney. Mauer.

From the outset of the game, these officials completely took LA out of the game, especially Kobe, by calling a flurry of touch fouls and continuously putting Boston on the line, to the tune of a 19-2 advantage in the first half, and 38-10 for the game.

38-10!

Analysts and talking heads get lazy when presented with this discrepancy and attempt to explain it away with such cliches as, "LA wasn't nearly as aggressive as Boston. They didn't take it to the hoop enough."

Really? How about the fact that LA was 18-30 on layups and dunks for the game, Boston was 16-18, and that included the whatthefuck efforts of Leon Powe. So the Lakers have nearly twice the attempts in the paint and receive a total of 10 FTs? Gasol and Odom combined to miss 8 of their 16 layup and dunk attempts, and guess how many free throws they were awarded.

One.

Powe himself had more free throw attempts than the entire LA team 13-10. Granted, he was aggressive (Hey! I can be an analyst!) but he only played a little more than 14 minutes in the game.

As Phil Jackson put it:

“I have no question about the fact that my players got fouled but didn't get to the line. That's ridiculous,” Jackson said. “You can't play from a deficit like that that we had in that half, 19-2 (in foul-shot disparity). I've never seen a game like that in all these years I've coached in the (NBA) Finals. Unbelievable.”

I won't blame the refs entirely for the outcome of the game, but that performance last night puts that crew in a Salvatorean class. Like the Mavericks in 2006, who were virtually castrated by the refs' preferential treatment of Dwyane Wade, the Lakers have now been on the wrong end of a referee gang bang.

And now they have to win all three games at home to make this a series.*

“You can’t do anything because if you do anything they’re going to go to the line,” said Sasha Vujacic. “We went to line 10 times. It will be a different story in L.A.”

It better be.

*Something that has only happened once in NBA history since the league adopted the 2-3-2 format in 1985. What team managed to lose all three road games? Yep, you guessed it. The Dallas Mavericks. Yet another embarrassing playoff record they own.

WIP Sucks Or, My Top Ten Football Helmets Of All Time

Its the middle of summer today in Philadelphia (high of 97 degrees today - but don't worry, that will be off-set by oppressive humidity), and the local sports radio station is talking Eagles football. I guess you could fault them for that. Despite not winning a championship yet this year, the Philadelphia sports teams are doing pretty well. Against all odds the Sixers made the playoffs, the Flyers made the conference finals, and the Phillies are in first place in the NL East. Thats pretty good.

Still, its football season all year round here in Philly, so I wasn't surprised to turn the radio on this morning and hear them talking football. Of course, there is nothing substantive to say about the up coming football season on June 7th, so instead of talking about the Flyers off season, the first place Phils, or God forbid, a team that doesn't play in Philadelphia (there are, apparently, a lot of them), the hosts on WIP were talking about.....

[drum roll!]

...the best football helmets of all time.

I swear to God thats what they were talking about.

And you'll never guess which team they think has the best, and I'll only give you one guess. So aside from these goombahs, why not play along? Who does have the best helmet of all time? Short answer: I don't know.

Longer answer: I made a list of the Top 10 best of all time. For fun and because if I go outside today I'll instantly vaporize, I also made a list of the 5 Worst, and then I threw in one more just for good measure. Enjoy!

The Ten Best

10. NY Giants (1980d & 90s)







This Giants helmet, the helmet of Lawrence Taylor, Phil Sims, and possibly some other guys, is the logo of the team that I grew up watching dominate my Redskins. To me (and this is my list) this is the iconic Giants helmet. Its simple (a good thing) and incorporates all the team colors without being garish. I hate them, but good helmet

9. Washington Redskins (late 1960’s)







Putting aside the politically incorrect anti-Native American thing, the design for this helmet is pretty awesome. I'm sorry the Redskins don't use it, actually, as its arguably better than what the wear now. The simpleness of the design with the unusual colors combine to make a great helmet.

8. KC Chiefs (Current)







Did you know this team used to be called the Houston Texans way back in the day? Yeah, I didn't either. They changed their uniforms when they moved to KC and this is what they came up with. Simple, not even a stripe (much like the Skins helmet above), and I'm a sucker for interlocking letters (other than these, of course). Me likee.

7. New Orleans Saints (Current)







By far this is the best expansion era helmet. The Saints used the gold color which no other NFL teams used before or, really, since, and have made it their own. Also the saints iconic fleur-de-lis is original and fits perfectly with the history of the city from which they come. Good show, I say.*

6. Detroit Lions (1950s)







This shouldn't work, but it does. I wouldn't have even picked it if I hadn't seen it on the field. Theres something about the non-design design, kinda like Notre Dame's helmets, which just works. And when combined with the dark blue jerseys, well, as the kids say, dats da bomb, bitch.

5. Oakland Raiders (Current)







Long before the Ravens tried to imitate it (and arguably succeeded a bit too well) this was the scary I'm-going-to-rip-your-face-off-and-shit-into-your-eye-holes helmet. And really, isn't that what football is all about?

4. Indianapolis Colts (Current)







Not hard core like the Raiders, but historic in a simple style that has lasted since the team came over from Baltimore. I heard that the Colts horseshoe used to be oriented up-side-down from how it is now, but they rotated it and then won a championship. I'd love to see other teams try that.

3. Chicago Bears (Current)







I'm going to ignore that this is a blatant rip-off of the Cincinnati Reds logo and just take it in the context of how it is presented. This actually reminds me a bit of the Boston Red Sox logo which could subconsciously be why I like it so much. Its a similar font (I think - BMFS: set me straight on this) and its shown against a dark blue background, so it stands out that much better. Also, the '85 Bears were into some serious bad-assery.

2. Dallas Cowboys (Current)







Yes, I f'n hate this team. But, like these a-holes, I can look past that (sorta) and say that they have a very iconic logo going on. Silver and blue aren't the most original colors (I think the Lions had them first), but the boys from Dallas have co-opted them and made them their own. The star is, again, a very simple logo, but again (again), thats a good thing. It works. Really well. F them though.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (Current)







The a-symmetry of the helmet (logo on one side only) helps this stand out, but even without that this is a great logo. Taken from the city in which the team plays, often called the Steel City (not, as some may think, the "Steal City") the helmet is at once menacing, simple, and original. I think this is as good as it gets, NFL helmet-wise.

Five Worst

5. Arizona Cardinals (Current)







There is a difference between simple and boring. This is decidedly the latter, even with history on its side as the longest standing unchanged logo in the NFL. The Cardinal isn't menacing, or even normal looking. Its just cartoonishly silly, and there is nothing else on the helmet to off-set it. Cartoonish silly dumb looking bird + entirely white helmet = extra lame.

4. Buffalo Bills (Current)







In contrast to the Cardinals, this helmet has too much going on. The logo is huge and takes up pretty much the entire side of the helmet. Same goes for the stripe, which has like 80 different layers to it. Actually, it looks like at least 7 different colors make up the stripe, which is somewhere around 4 too many. Also, and maybe most importantly, whats going on with that Buffalo? It looks like its doing one of two things: 1) leaping forward with such speed that its generating cartoonish lines to denote its velocity, or 2) its lying dead on the ground with a spear in its head. If its the first, its just stupid. If its the second, it looks stupid and its the only logo showing the team mascot devoid of life. But either way its stupid.

3. Cleveland Browns (Current)











Again, we're back to boring helmets, and the Browns take the cake when it comes to that. No logo at all to set off the barfy orangish helmet. At least they have a stripe, but theres really not much to write home about here. You know how on NFL highlight shows they show the score on the screen they put both team's logos up there with their respective scores? I've always found it amusing that when that happens the Browns 'logo' is shown as an orange-ish blob. Barf-a-licious.

2. Dallas Cowboys (1976)







Remember all that iconic bullshit I was spouting about the Cowboys helmet above? Well, for some reason, in 1976, the Cowboys decided they needed to ruin it and put a red stripe on their helmet. This is in spite of the fact that red isn't one of their team colors! Wha-wha-whaaaaat? Its almost like if the Yankees put a yellow button on the top of their ball caps. Where the hell did that come from? To their credit though, they yanked it after one year. Still, eternally lame, says me.

1. Early 1960’s Denver Broncos







This is the epitome of terrible helmets. I defy anyone to come up with one worse than this. First of all, the orange color is Browns-esque in its awfulness. But most importantly, what in the hell kind of logo is that? Its like something a second grader would draw. Actually, strike that, I've seen better drawings from second graders. And what is it doing? It looks like its falling backwards from a strong wind. Always remember the first rule of Buffalo Bills Logo Drawing: Its always better to draw your mascot falling down, or, in fact, dead. What do you have to say about this helmet, Cassius?
Clay: This helmet... is the lamest... of all time!

Most Polarizing

1. Washington Redskins (Current)







I know people who think this is the worst helmet in the NFL. I don't see that. In fact, I like it, but then I'm slightly biased, as this is the team and the team's helmet that I grew up rooting for. There are, presumably non-Redskins fans who don't think this helmet is terrible - I've even met some of them. But mostly, non-Redskins fans seem to hate this helmet, whereas Redskins fans seem to really like it. The stately Native American logo is, I think, kinda classy as far as racist logos go, and I do like the feather hanging off the back there. There are probably too many colored stripes on the helmet, but that doesn't bother me here.

I think I'm just too biased to see any awfulness.

*Yes, I know thats a British comment on a French symbol.

NHL Roundup: Piling on the Paisans

When someone called William "Boots" Del Biaggio III surfaced as an investor in the Nashville Predators last year, I'm sure I wasn't the only person who snickered to himself and wondered about this wealthy individual's connection to unsavory financial activities. I wondered if perhaps the arena in Nashville would be struck by "Italian Lightning*", facilitating a move to Kansas City, Western Ontario, or, perhaps, Danbury, Connecticut.

Well, turns out ol' Bootsie just might be a crook.

And somewhere, Sal Paolantonio shakes his head in disappointment.


(*Also known as "Jewish Lightning" in some circles, "Italian Lightning" has occurred when an inconveniently located edifice burns down under nebulous circumstances, facilitating new construction on the now-unoccupied land. My liberal guilt flares up a bit less severely when I refer to it as "Italian Lightning" as l'm actually half Italian and hail from a region in which Italian-Americans account for the largest ethnic group and operate an overwhelming percentage of local construction companies.)

------------------------------
And also, this:

The CBC -- which, you may recall, had to scrounge up a mighty amount of cash not long ago to keep the broadcast of "Hockey Night In Canada" from moving to the greener* pastures of cable TV -- has nixed from its budget the rights fees to its longstanding theme song and will adopt a new theme song immediately.

(Note: This is the actual NFL Films/"This Week In Baseball" style instrumental opening theme, not Nickelback's cover of Elton John's "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting".)

This is almost certainly going to play out like New Coke (later "Coke II"... mmm...) and MLB's short-lived decision to put "Spider-Man III" advertising on the bases. Especially if the executives behind the Nickelback decision are left to come up with the replacement.

It's reminiscent of the final episode of "The Ed Sullivan Show" -- we never knew the venerable theme song was going away and never had our chance to savor it one last time. Hear it here -- even if it's your first time hearing it, you'll miss it.


(*Is Canadian money green?)

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Where the Jocks are Actually Smarter Than the Academics

Many years ago, when I worked at a record store (remember those? People actually had to leave their homes to get music!), me and my co-workers would hang out at the information booth, passing the time showing off our music snobbery at full force by doing things like creating a list of the top 10 Steve Albini-produced albums (pre-High Fidelity, by the way). Well, pretty much right when we were capping off the list, inevitably, some yuppy shmoe would walk up and gallingly ask for assistance. "Can you please show me the Enya section? I really like that kind of Celtic music."

And this is where our incredible knowledge of culture would really show. "Did you hear that?" we would snicker to ourselves, "He said Sell-tic. What a caveman."

"Sure. Follow me sir. And by the way, it's pronounced Kell-tic. The basketball team pronounces it incorrectly."

Guess what. I was a retarded douche, and I have continued to be until today. It turns out that the yuppy New Age music fan was actually correct - although there's no way in hell he knew it, or even cared.*

From a site celebrating Celtic FC :

A tricky one this. Ed Mortimer started us off. "The answer is simple," he said. "We are wrong to pronounce the word Keltic. It's one of those words where the pronunciation has changed for some reason in one context but not in others. Following the general rule that 'c' followed by 'e' or 'i' is pronounced as an 's', we have Seltik, as in the football club. The same pronunciation used to apply to the adjective describing the ancient inhabitants of the western fringes of Europe, including parts of modern-day Scotland, England, Ireland, Wales, France and Spain. The 's' pronunciation still applies in French, Breton and Galician - but for some reason English has changed to the keltic variant. Put simply, the football club pronunciation is the right one."


And from another treatise on Sell-tic vs Kell-tic:

"Celtic" and "Celt" come into into the English language via French and (Early Modern British) Latin. Until relatively recently, and in many circles still today, the standard pronunciation of the word has been \SELL-tick\, as is natural and normal and to be expected of an English word starting "ce-", especially one that came into English via French (which pronounces all its words stating "ce-" with an \S\ sound) and Latin (which in British pronunciation pronounces all its words starting "ce-" with an \S\ sound).

I invite everyone to contemplate the number of _English_ words starting "ce-" that are *not* pronounced with an \S\ sound. (For the dictionary deprived, there is "cello" and..., well, I can't find any others in my quick scan, though I'm sure there must be one or two others borrowed from Italian with a \TCHEH-\ sound. ;-) In particular, notice all the Latin origin words starting "ce-" and pronounced with an \S\ sound, such as those words starting "cent-" and the various Latin based medical terms such as "cerebrum", "cerebrovascular", and so on.

So what happened? Well, any number of things might explain why the in-crowd pronunciation shifted to \KELL-tick\ (such as the German influence on Celtic studies, which was strong in the 19th and early 20th centuries) but the upshot is that it is now fashionable -- almost obligatory -- in certain circles to pronounce the word with a \K\ sound rather than the original \S\ sound. In fact, in certain circles (both in and out of academia) it is something of a litmus test -- if you don't use the \K\ sound, it will be assumed you are not knowledgeable about things Celtic. But the one and only reason \KELL-tick\ is now one of the _correct_ pronunciations of the word is because *that is how many educated people pronounce it.

Let me repeat that. The reason \KELL-tick\ is a correct pronunciation is because that is how many educated people pronounce it. That is the only logic in the \KELL-tick\ pronunciation's favor. The standard rules of English, the rules of language, long use and practice, all argue in favour of \SELL-tick\, not \KELL-tick\. The only thing \KELL-tick\ has in its favor is that \KELL-tick\ is how many people actually do pronounce "Celtic". Because, and only because, enough people do it, it is a correct pronunciation. (This is, by the way, the standard way for variant pronunciations to become considered correct -- simple weight of numbers.)
But it still remains that \SELL-tick\ is a long-established, traditional pronunciation of the word in English. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pronouncing "Celtic" as \SELL-tick\.

So there! Sports wins! Tommy Heinsohn and Cornbread Maxwell are smarter than you ever imagined!

So now, when your wife or co-worker who looks down their nose at sports asks you "Why do they keep mispronouncing Celtic?", you can smilingly reveal their ignorance to them.


*Most scholars say that it can be pronounced either way. So maybe there was no point to this whole exercise.

Corporate Naming Rights = Emo! (Re: "Who Is This Building?!?")

Thank you, Matty, for bringing up the ol' CoreStates center, which is actually a truly noteworthy building in the lurid history of corporate naming rights. It's perhaps the first modern professional sports facility with corporate naming rights (ie, excluding Busch Stadium, for which a corresponding brand was created after the stadium was named).

Currently, of course, stadia are routinely financed partially by the public and partially by the team's plutocrat owner, who then sells the stadium's naming rights to offset his own contribution, while the local taxpayers get no such consideration.

How-EVAH, during the planning stages of the erstwhile CoreStates Center, there were no such expectations that the team owner would foot none of the bill while the taxpayers got soaked. (In case you're not old enough to remember this, there was actually a time when team owners paid for their own goddamn stadiums.) And so, in financing a new sports facility in a financially insolvent city, Ed Snider came up with the idea to sell naming rights to offset the taxpayer money, not his own money. No public financing was used.

Now, of course, that system has been stretched past its limits to line the pockets of robber-barons like Jerry "Holocaust" Jones, but like most things that end up as huge blights on society, it actually started out as a pretty good idea.


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Who Is This Building?!?

Without boring you with a bunch of financial mumbo jumbo, there is a very real possibility that Wachovia Bank may be purchased. It seems they went in on the whole sub-prime mortgage thing at pretty much the exact wrong time and, well, its time to pay the piper. Their CEO has already bit the dust, so to speak, and there may be more upheaval on the way.

So, anyway, they're primed to be bought out, sold, and acquired by, well... that where it gets a bit hazy, but for our purposes here at TOOOAST!!!, suffice it to say the Wachovia name may be no more in the very near future ("Where?" "In the future, Conan!"). So, why the hell is that important?

Well, here in Philly, the Wachovia Center is the name of the stadium where the Flyers and Sixers play. Which isn't particularly significant. However, before it was the Wachovia Center it was the First Union Center. And before that it was the Core States Center. To help illustrate some of the confusion over the constant re-naming of the building, the for-now Wachovia Center is still referred to by some as the "F U Center" after one of its earlier iterations.

If the bank gets sold and the name gets changed yet again this damned place will get yet another name. This is one of the downfalls of naming a building after a corporation. Corporations fail/disappear/are sold/bought (where as we stopped doing that with people, like, a while ago) and unlike the stadium named for a person, the corporate stadium name is no longer relevant.

Long after the death of their namesake, Connie Mack Stadium, Crosley Field, and Shibe Park all maintained their names as monuments to both the park's originator and a time gone by. Many people still remember these places. In contrast, nobody will remember the time of the Core States Center. This is partly because it was less than a decade in length and partly because the teams who played there gave us no good reason to remember.

But its also because, well, who gives a shit? As soon as Core States Bank was no more, the name changed to a new bank, First Union. And as soon as First Union ceased to exist, the name changed yet again. And now we are poised to go through this process all over again.

Well, great, what's your point, you may ask. And to be honest with you, I'm not sure I have one. I guess I miss the time when some things were sacred, or at least the time when the thought of selling certain things simply hadn't occurred to anyone yet. But more to the point (if indeed one exists) isn't four names in a decade and a half a bit ridiculous? Isn't there some sort of drop-dead time when, say, if the name changes six times in twenty years, it automatically reverts to Philadelphia Stadium?

So, whatever, right? Well here's one more piece of stupidity to throw at you. When Core States Bank bought the naming rights, they signed a 21 year contract (please don't ask why). That means regardless of any impending name change from the sale of Wachovia, the name is going to change AGAIN in 2017, nine years from now. We're looking at one building with five different names in two decades. So, I guess the point is please, someone, make it stop.

***

In other completely unrelated news, Alex Ovechkin apparently is about to have his own clothing line. Pretty weird, huh?

RE: And Matty Scores With A Case Of Tastykakes!

I appreciate the history of sport, even as it applies to corporate ads. I actually like the huge Citgo sign visible over the outfield wall from Fenway Park in Boston. The "Longines" Clock in Cincinnati's Crosley Field was pretty cool, as was Abe Stark's ad at Ebbets Field in Brooklyn which proclaimed, "Hit Sign, Win Suit." (I don't think anyone ever hit it.) I think the ads on outfield walls of ballparks are neat and olde-timey, and I supported the idea when Camden Yards started putting ads on the outfield walls again back in 1991.

I'm even over "FedEx" Field and what is now the "Verizon" Center (mostly). However, just because something is old, or has been done for a long period of time, doesn't make it worth continuing. If every time the Brooklyn Dodgers hit a homer their radio announcer shouted "Look out Abe Stark, this could cost you a suit! Home Run, Dodgers!" that would be olde-timey, yet obnoxious and worthy, at least in my opinion, of extinction.

That's how I feel about the Tastykake ads. Its fine that its a "Philly" thing, and its fine that its been done for a long time and is a link to the Flyers' glory days of the '70s. That doesn't change my opinion of it though. I still find it crass and irritating.

However, you'll notice from my examples above that my sense of sports history doesn't extend too far past baseball. So, maybe I don't have the proper appreciation for this. I'm willing to concede that that could be possible. Still, I don't want to hear any ads following goals, especially if the Flyers have just scored on the Caps.