2008 All Doo-Doo Team: The Pitching Staff

While many people still use wins and ERA to differentiate between good pitchers and bad, sabermetricians (who always live in their parents basements, even when working fulltime for a major league team) look deeper. After years of study, they have come up with a few basic components to look for in a good pitcher.

The trick is to try to even out the proverbial playing field by eliminating the differences in home parks and fielding, as well as the ultimate in ridiculousness, official scorers. Basically, strikeouts, walks, and home runs are the key statistics to look for. The thinking goes thusly: a pitcher who strikes people out (i.e. doesn't let opposing hitters hit the ball) can't be victimized by cheap hits, nor will he let his fielders fail to reach a ball, miss-judge a fly, or make any errors. If he doesn't walk people, then he's less likely to give up runs on cheap hits, errors, or homers. If he doesn't allow homers, he is literally making it much more difficult for an opponent to score runs against him.

To sum up, a good pitcher will strike people out (one per inning on average is very good), not walk people (usually one per three strikeouts is a good ratio), and not give up homers. The best way to avoid homers is to generate groundballs. Its very difficult for the ball to go over the wall when its rolling.

Conversely, a pitcher who doesn't strike people out, walks lots of people, and allows the more-than-occasional home run may be successful over a short period, but essentially he is living on borrowed time. He's also likely to be found on the pitching staff for the 2008 All Doo-Doo Team!

The stats cited in the parentheses are as follows: IP is innings pitched (self explanatory). K/9 is the number of strikeouts a pitcher gets per 9 innings, on average. BB/9 is the number of walks a pitcher gives up per 9 innings, on average. VORP is Value Over Replacement Player, which basically means how many runs better is a player than someone at the same position who could be plucked freely from AAA ball. VORP is a counting stat, not an average, so the more you play the more it adds up. And, yes, having a negative VORP means that player has been worse than a AAA player.

So, with that, I present to you the starting rotation for the 2008 All Doo Doo Team!

Starting rotation

Number one starter: Barry Zito, SF (28.6 IP , 3.45 K/9, 4.71 BB/9, -12.3 VORP)
- What do you do when your $126M pitcher sucks? Drop him in the bullpen, I guess. That's what the Giants have done with Zito, who is just one year in to the richest contract for a pitcher in the history of baseball ($126M over 7 years). Its hard to get people out when your walk rate is higher than your strikeout rate, but in this case, you really don't need to look deep into the numbers to see that Zito has lost it. Thats visible by watching the trail of drool from the opposing team's dugout to the batters box on days Zito pitches. The Giants are now looking at getting next to nothing from the remaining $100M+ on Zito's contract. Holy God, what a terrible, terrible deal that is.

Number two starter: Matt Morris, ex-PIT (22.3 IP, 3.63 K/9, 4.71 BB/9, -17.7 VORP)
- Exhibit 1 (of about 10,000) in the case against Dave Littlefield as a competent General Manager. After the Giants (there they are again) gave Morris an inexplicably huge deal (worth about $20M over two years), it quickly became apparent that Morris was done.

The story goes thusly: after calling around to just about every team and offering to pay the majority of Morris' deal in hopes of saving some small percentage of the cost, Giants GM Idiot McStupid (really Brian Sabean) gave up. But, surprise!, nobody wanted to pay a guy who was obviously done ten mill a year. All of a sudden the phone rings. Its Pirates GM Dave Littlefield, and he's high on meth again (I'm embellishing somewhat here). He not only wants Morris, but he's willing to pay the entirety of Morris' contract as well. Well, holy shit, Sabean goes right over to Morris' apartment, yanks him off the crapper (making a hideous mess in the process), shoves him, ass cheeks and all, into a big fedex box, writes "p-burgh" on it, and ships that mutha out. Surprisingly, the cleanliness of the air in Pittsburgh didn't improve Morris' strikeout rate, and after just about a half season of complete suckitude, the Pirates decided they'd rather pay Morris $10M to not pitch for them rather than pitch for them.

Number three starter: Jason Jennings, TEX (27.3 IP, 3.95 K/9, 5.93 BB/9, -9.8 VORP)
- Jennings had one good year about three seasons ago and was offered a big contract by the Rockies. He turned it down. He's dumb. And lousy.

Number four starter: Phil Hughes, NYY (22 IP, 5.32 K/9, 5.32 BB/9, -9.5n VORP)
- The future of the Yankees pitching staff, Hughes was too good to trade for Johan Santana this past off-season. Now he's too lousy for the Yankees rotation. He's still only 21, but for a guy who just about threw a no-hitter last year (only falling short due to injury), he's been a huge disappointment.

Number five starter: Andrew Miller, FL (25.6 IP, 6.31 K/9, 4.56 BB/9, -12.3 VORP)
- This is one of the two main bargaining chips that netted Miguel Cabrera for Detroit. Miller hasn't been as bad as his fellow members of the '08 All Doo-Doo team, but thats a backhanded complement if there ever was one. Still, like Hughes, he's young and will likely improve, or at least, not continue to suck this bad.

Bullpen

Joe Borowski, CLE (4 IP, 6.75 K/9, 9.00 BB/9, -5.8 VORP):
- Borowski normally doesn't strike people out, but thats only because he isn't a very good pitcher. Still, when he faced Manny Ramirez after having given up the two tying runs about two weeks ago, Cleveland fans were probably hoping he'd hit Manny. Instead he threw an 81 mph fastball over the heart of the plate, and Manny hit it to Canada. After that, the Indians, possibly in self defense, put Borowski on the disabled list.

Dustin Nippert, TEX (8.6 IP, 6.23 K/9, 8.31 BB/9, -5.8 VORP):
- Not known for their pitching, Texas has really screwed the proverbial pooch this season. 8.31 walks per nine innings? This isn't relief pitching unless you're trying to provide some sort of relief for the other team.

Joaquin Benoit, TEX (10.3 IP, 9.58 K/9, 10.45 BB/9, -5.4 VORP):
- 10.5 walks per nine innings? I'm guessing there must be some vision issue at play here.

Zack Miner, DET (15 IP, 6.6 K/9, 6 BB/9, -7 VORP):
- The Tigers are going to hit this year, of that theres little doubt. But if anyone on this team can pitch they haven't showed it yet. Miner may be the most egregious of the lot so far, but with any luck he'll prevent further damage to Detroit's pennant hopes by stepping on something sharp and hurting himself.

Noteworthy Victim Joins a Team of Perps

You remember the story a few years back about the black kid in rural Georgia who got thrown in jail on trumped-up rape charges after he had sex with a white girl who was under 18? Protests all over the place, TV news exposés, high-profile lawyers picked up the case pro bono?

I'm sure I wasn't alone in wondering whatever would become of that kid.

Well, now we have our answer: He's a Dallas Cowboy.

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2008 All-Doo-Doo Team: I Use "Sh*t" In Every Entry!

Theres been some big flops by some big names so far this baseball season. We're only about 15% through the season, so theres still time to turn things around. Likely most of the below players will find their sea legs at some point this season, but so far these teams have been getting bupkiss from these guys.

Some quick background: To make this team you have to have the unique combination of a good track record, AND a terrible performance. Anyone who sucks as bad as the players below but has never been good before would've been benched long ago. But, these guys have been good before or are seen as very talented, so their teams are just waiting for them to turn it around, but instead, they're just digging themselves deeper and deeper.

The stats cited in the parentheses are (batting average/on-base percentage/slugging percentage). VORP is Value Over Replacement Player, which basically means how many runs better is a player than someone at the same position who could be plucked freely from AAA ball. VORP is a counting stat, not an average, so the more you play the more it adds up. And, yes, having a negative VORP means that player has been worse than a AAA player.

So, with that, I present to you the 2008 All Doo Doo Team!

1B: Carlos Delgado, Mets (.186/.276/.256; -5.6 VORP)
- Adam LaRoche of Pittsburgh has a worse VORP, but not by much. And he plays for the Pirates, who everyone knows will stink. But, holy shit, Delgado is supposed to be one of the main weapons in the Mets lineup. Uh oh...

2B: Robinson Cano, NYY (.152/.212/.217; -8.3 VORP)
- Placido Polanco and Asdrubal Cabrera are both shitting the bed too, but Cano is almost singlehandedly sinking the Yankees offense. He has the worst VORP of any player in baseball at any position. Thats not good if you're a Yankee fan. If you hate the Yankees, then its fiesta time!!

SS: Troy Tulowitzki, Col (.165/.236/.258; -6.9 VORP)
- Anytime you're talking the worst hitting shortstop in baseball you have to immediately think Tony Pena, Jr. of KC. So, if you guessed he'd be here, you'd be almost right. Pena has been equally terrible, but that was expected. Nobody expected Tulowitzki to be this shitty. And yet, here he is, exceeding our expectations by a wide margin.

3B: Ryan Zimmerman, Was (.231/.265/.337; -4.0 VORP)
- Zimmerman hasn't been quite as terrible as the rest of these guys, but he has essentially wasted about 12% of his team's plate appearances with that dogshit line. As this guy is the only good player on the Nationals, you'd like to see him turn it around a bit. Mike Lowell has been pretty awful too, but he managed to get hurt before he could do as much damage as Zimmerman. Good job, Mikey!

C: Kenji Johjima, Sea (.194/.270/.239;-5.2 VORP)
- For a Mariners team that had hopes (however faint) of actually competing this season, watching their star catcher put up a line that could be replicated by the unemployed Doug Mirabelli, mustn't be a happy thing. Add to that the 3 year, $24M extension that Johjima just signed in the off season even though the Mariners have Jeff Clement, one of the best catching prospects in baseball languishing in the minors and you get this: Bill Bavasi=Shitty GM (didn't think I'd get there, huh?)

DH: David Ortiz, Bos (.177/.288/.323; -2.2 VORP)
- Jose Vidro has been shittier (.195/.253/.299; -3.2 VORP), but who didn't see that coming? Big Papi, on the other hand, has been touched by the gods since arriving in Boston in 2003. He has only slugged under .600 his first year in Boston, when he slugged .592 (with 31 homers). And now he can't, well, he can't do shit. Yesterday he took an 0-6. Thats throw-up-in-mymouth worthy right there.

LF: Alfonso Soriano, CHC (.175/.230/.298; -4.0 VORP)
- Soriano hasn't been the worst left fielder in terms of VORP, that would be Jason Michaels of Cleveland (-6.2). However, Michaels has (wisely) been platooned in LF while the only reason Soriano hasn't played all his teams games is because he had the good sense to get hurt. Runner up in this category would likely be either the dessicated corpse of Garret Anderson (-2.2) who the Angels are apparently contractually obligated to play until he can no longer stand, or the perennially "talented" Delmon Young (-3.8), who is doing everything in his power to make the Rays look like geniuses for getting rid of him.

CF: Andruw Jones, LAD (.167/.278/.269; -4.3 VORP)
- This here is the Captain of the team. He's clearly made of reverse-Ecksteinium. After years of All-Star level performance in Atlanta, Jones was simply awful last season. Still, many VORPies thought that Jones had simply been extra-super unlucky, and his signing by the Dodgers was widely hailed as a good deal for the team. Well, either his extra-shitty luck has continued, or Jones really has just fallen off a cliff. With each passing day its looking more and more like the latter.

RF: Jose Guillen, KC (.185/.211/.337; -7.2 VORP)
- After last year's success with Gil Meche, the Royals went back out on the free agent market and spent big (for them) again. This time they brought in Guillen, whom they hoped would add power to the center of their lineup. So far, Guillen has added only poop to the center of their lineup. Guillen's impressive shittiness has made him one of the worst starting players in all of baseball. But on the plus side, they've only got about 2.9 of the 3 years and 36M remaining on Guillen's contract. Um, oops?

Hey, At Least It Wasn't Keith Olbermann's Mom

Its 2pm, do you know what your pet lemur is up to? You don't? Well, as long as it isn't attacking former major leaguer Shea Hillenbrand's kid, then theres no prob... really? Uh oh...

Not only was Hillenbrand's son attacked by a pet lemur (as if that wasn't weird enough), but theres a recording of the subsequent 9-1-1 call. I'm at work, so I can't listen to it (no problem posting on this stupid website, though), but I'm going to take a stab at how that call went:

911 Operator: 9-1-1, Hello.
Hillenbrand: Help! My son is being attacked by a... uhh... umm...
Operator: A what, sir?
Hillenbrand: Ya know, to be honest, I'm not sure. It looks a bit like a monkey...
Operator: Like an orangutan?
Hillenbrand: No, no... not that big. But it is kinda orange-ish. It looks like, um, a...[laughs] Ya know, I'm not sure. It kinda looks like a cross between a mini panda bear and a little asian guy.
Operator: Does it have orange tufts of hair?
Hillenbrand: Theres definitely orange fur, but with all the blood and skin flying around, its tough to say.
Operator: Huh... well, I'm stumped.
Hillenbrand: Yeah... Oh well. Hey, thanks for your time.
Operator: No problem. Have a good day.
Hillenbrand: You too. Bye
Operator: Bye.
Hillenbrand: [hangs up phone] Shit.

Mavs are in Their Alamo

(cue the Pacino "Any Given Sunday" speech).

It's kind of a bizarre feeling to know that 8 years of cheering for your team - cheering for them to make some noise in the playoffs every year - all could come to an end pending the outcome of one game.

Tonight could be the end of the line for this incarnation of the Dallas Mavericks, the 2000-2008 team that has been a perennial 50 game winner and playoff participant, and a return to the lottery for the next several years. If they lose tonight, and find themselves in an insurmountable 3-0 hole to the younger, quicker Hornets, then this franchise will be need to be blown up with such force that pieces of Stackhouse, Terry and Avery will be found on the surface of Jupiter some day.

In all of the playoff series this year, the home teams were 13-3 after the first 2 games, and all series, except Philly-Detroit, were 2-0 after the first two games. Last night, all of the teams that needed to win the third game came through to keep their series alive, with Washington and Toronto winning convincingly on their home courts. If nothing else, the Mavericks are a completely different team at home, and very well could grab an ounce of momentum.

Win, and they may put a little doubt in the young Hornets' minds. Lose, and there's no reason to even have a game 4 and Avery will be cathing a lift with Ron Washington to the airport next week.

It's funny that Dallas and Phoenix, two teams that have been knocking on the door of a title for the past 4 years, find themselves at identical crossroads. Tonight could be the night where the torch is officially passed to New Orleans, LA, and Utah for Western Conference supremacy for the foreseeable future.

Isn't Every Game in Utah a "White Out" Already?

When the NHL playoffs began, I was immediately taken aback with the overbearing trend of teams asking (making) their fans to all wear a uniform color to their games. It just reeked of aping at its most obvious. And now its reached its most unintentionally ridiculous level: the "White Out" at last night's Utah Jazz-Houston Rockets game three.

Isn't Utah most famous for its...um...uniform looking fan base already? The redundancy of the Utah fans all dressed in their white t-shirts was blinding.

And a side note to my Anti-___-Out Rant: Guess what teams have not employed this homogeneous tactic?

Detroit Red Wings
Los Angeles Lakers
Boston Celtics.

Notice anything that those teams have in common?

Wave Goodbye DeShawn

Yep. That's right. Wave goodbye to you and your team DeShawn.

That may seem like an insane thing to say when the Wizards just completed a 500-point castration of the Cavaliers in game 3 of their series - a series that they still trail 2-1, against a team that they have lost 10 of their last 13 playoff games against. But that sequence in the third quarter, where the game was already pretty much out-of-hand, when DeShawn "Soulja" Stephenson hit consecutive threes, the following actions will serve to bite the Wizards in their fey asses:

1. Stephenson hits his first three and runs back on D imitating Tim Thomas circa 2006, waving his hand in front of his face. He was imitating Tim Thomas. There are roughly 450 players in the NBA. Where does Thomas rank on the list of Players That You Look Foolish Imitating? Somewhere between Raef LaFrentz and Juwan Howard?

2. Seconds later, when DeShawn hit his second three, he did his version of The Pigeon - made famous by Merton Hanks and Shaq - openly mocking the Cavs. I love emotion and funny antics by players on the court, but these antics when combined with...

3. The fans chanting "O-VER-RA-TED" while Antonio Daniels was at the line a minute later. All I could think of was LeBron plotting his own upcoming version of Shock & Awe for the rest of the series.

We've seen King James dominate a championship level team during his one-man-gang performance against Detroit last year. I can only imagine what he'll do against the delusional, mohawked Wizards.

A Multiplicity of Options?

Olaf Kolzig not only cleaned out his locker today, he stripped the nameplate off it as well, declined to speak with reporters (for the first time since 1997), and didn't show up for the final team meeting.

OK, he's a prideful athlete who was the centerpiece of his team for a decade, and it can't be easy to cope with the erosion of your livelihood. And I guess he deserves some credit for not poisoning the well when his team traded for his replacement at the trade deadline this year. He just completely stopped speaking, which I suppose is better than sulking.

Between the trade deadline and the end of the season, during the Caps' Enos Slaughter-esque Mad Dash to the playoffs (during which, oddly, Pesky was holding Matty's balls), the Caps got bombed out of the building just one time: a 5-0 loss to the lottery-drafting Blackhawks, which was, not coincidentally, Kolzig's last start.

I'm certain the huge majority of Caps fans would like to see this resolved amicably and Kolzig return to the Caps as a backup, where he will remain for the rest of his career and the Earth will remain on its axis. However, this profoundly insane statement from Kolzig's agent indicates differently:

"The choice will be Olie's as to where he plays next year. But rest comfortably that there will be a multiplicity of options available to him."

A multiplicity of options?!? What the jolly terds are you talking about?

In the words of The Spirit of Truth, you fuckin' nincom-fuckin'-poop!

Here are Kolzig's options* for next year:

1. Get up.
2. Go back to sleep.


*For Homeland Security concerns, options exclude trafficking rubber dog crap from Hong Kong.

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Thank you sir, may I have another?

Tom Grieve. Josh "Gay Face" Lewin. The great Eric Nadel. Even Victor Rojas.

They. Don't. Deserve. This.

As I write this, the Texas Rangers are having their pants pulled down and are being hung from the scoreboard by their Under Armour. Hell, it's about the only way the Rangers get on the scoreboard. Zzziiing!

The Tigers, who so recently were near the bottom of the AL standings, got the perfect prescription - the ridiculous Rangers. As did the Red Sox last weekend.

Texas has been swept in both of those series, going 0-7, and have been outscored 67-28 in those games. You can hear the disgust in the voice of the four men listed at the beginning of this entry. It's April 24 and the Rangers are so cooked they resemble a charred brisket...in a smoker...on the surface of the sun. It's the 22nd game of the season, and Texas occupies their familiar position as the worst team in the American League with their 7 measly wins. There are ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY MORE GAMES for these poor broadcasters to try and come up with the positivity and energy to put lipstick on this pig. "Hey, did you see than Josh? The Rangers just executed their first successful double play of the year and didn't throw the ball in to the fortieth row. Ya team! Things are looking up!"

They're eliminated from the post-season before either the Mavericks or the Stars. Nobody cares anymore. Blow up the team, bulldoze The Ballpark in Arlington and move on.

(This will likely be my one and only baseball post.)

Her Majesty's Masturbating Snowman

The British Treasury's Office of Government Commerce recently shelled out a tidy 14,000 pounds (or $36.7 million US - waka waka waka!) to commission a London design firm to devise a new logo:






First of all, 14,000 pounds doesn't go as far as it used to.

Second of all, it took all of about 14 seconds before someone caught a glimpse of his brand-new mousepad at a 90-degree angle, then expelled hot tea with milk through his nose:














Um... guh?

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T. Eldorado Owens: NSFW

Just in case our half-dozen readers haven't kept up with this story blowin' up the interblogs:














From the geniuses at KSK: "I mean, that’s a hail-damaged ass and all, but why is T.O. looking at the dude?"

In case you're still toeing the party line and playing dumb -- "what's Bangbros?" -- I'ma spell it out:

T. Eldorado Owens has turned up on the periphery of a hardcore porn shoot.

Expletives fail me.

But thanks to KSK for introducing me to the phrase "hail-damaged ass." I feel as though I'll be getting quite a lot of mileage out of that one.

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The Ranger Wears Prada

I find myself oddly infuriated by this stunt.

Guess it's just a job well done, by a guy whose job it is to infuriate people.

I mean, really, look at this five-assed monkey.

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Speaking Of Things That Suck...

Much like Barack, I called BMFS last night to concede. Joffrey Lupul* scored a power play goal for a case of tastykakes in overtime which, surprise surprise!, also won the game and the series. (And, yes, that asscheese Flyers announcer did manage to squeeze an ad into the overtime series winning goal. I heard part of it before turning the TV off.)

I could write 5,000 words on the refs, or the missed chances by the Caps, but honestly it was a great series, so why cheapen it? The Caps played fantastically last night and, I thought, out-played the Flyers for the third game in a row. Unfortunately, that, a bucket of pills, a giant tazer and a dildo will allow you to analy violate a bull elephant.

And speaking of analy violating bull elephants, Martin Biron (or "Mart'n Byron" as I heard a Flyers fan refer to him during Game 2) was terrific. In fact, both goalies were outstanding. Biron got beat on a backdoor rebound and on a 70,000 mph slapper from the greatest goal scorer since Gretzky. Can't really fault the guy for either one. His Caps counterpart, Huet, may have been even better over the course of the series. Last night he gave up two goals, one on a slapper that literally just snuck through his pads and rolled ever... so... slowly... into the goal, and one on a rebound/scrum in front of the net.

The third goal (which was actually the Flyers second of the game) came after he was knocked out of the net by one of his own players who had been shoved into him by a Flyer. By any reasonable assessment, it never should have counted (in fact, it should have been a penalty against Philadelphia). But, I'll save that rant for another time.

Both teams played an incredible series and I think it was just about dead even regardless of who scored in OT. Unfortunately it was the Flyers, so they get to move on, while the Caps ponder what could have been. Despite the loss, it was a great season for DC hockey. Hopefully the Caps can have a healthy and successful off season and come back next year ready to dominate.

As for me, I didn't get much sleep last night, so hopefully that helps to explain the limited humor in this post. More later as my drooping eyelids (and job) permit.

*(Sounds like some sort of VD to me..."I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson, but you're culture came back positive for Joffrey Lupul."..."No!!!")

Where Mark Cuban Really Ran Afoul of Good Sense

Indulging Don Nelson's fetish for lumbering white guys? Jet Terry's contract extension? "No balls, no babies"? Getting in public pissing contests with Nellie, Donald Trump, and some yahoo from D Magazine? Blogging a hip replacement? Dancing with the Stars?

Playing footsie with the Nets for a month and distracting the team, then trying to trade them a guy with the contractual rights to veto any trade? Ponying up an extra $3M, a whopper expiring contract, and $11M in luxury tax to finalize said trade... for a point guard who looks like the vine upon which a basketball is literally rotting?

Nope. Try this career-throttler.

Cue Gilbert Gottfried's "Amos & Andy" pidgin: "Hoooooly Mackal!!"

Boy, it's been a day of revelations, hasn't it?

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Usually We Just Put Balls On Your Chin

...but I was feeling randy today, so heres a whole thing, I mean "goat," (it'll make sense later) on Rich Hoffmann's newest stupidest column in the Philly Daily News. Apologies to the great Fire Joe Morgan.

Flyers will find out about themselves in Game 7 tonight
By Rich Hofmann Philadelphia Daily News
Daily News Sports Columnist

"We'll find out what we're made of tomorrow."
- Flyers coach John Stevens

SELF-KNOWLEDGE is gained only in a crucible, as we all well know. Only in a crisis, only through a test, do we find out - really find out. It is true in life. It is true in sports. It is the Flyers' fate now, that they will learn.

I love it when sportswriters start out a column with a little life lesson. Now not only do I get my morning dose of sports-related non-fact-based opinion, but I learn a little something about life in the process. Yay me. However, if it really is true that we don't find out about ourselves except in a crisis, then fifteen of the sixteen teams who made the NHL playoffs are losers. LeHoo Suh Errs. And not just NHL losers, but losers in the game of life.

Also, aren't there many other times in life when the decisions we make and the way we act are important? Our house doesn't have to be on fire, or a coup made on the President for us to find out - REALLY find out - about ourselves, right?

Boss: Johnson, I have to say, I'm really happy with this report.

Johnson: Thank you, sir.

Boss: However, I feel as if I didn't really learn anything about you.

Johnson: Sir?

Boss: You spent too much time and were too organized, Johnson. That right, too much time and too organized. I want you to go back and re-write this report.

Johnson: But, sir, this report took me 8 months to do.

Boss: It sure did, Johnson, it sure did. I'll give you twenty minutes.

Johnson: Twenty minutes?!

Boss: And I'm going to set your office on fire.

They have now blown a two-game lead in their first-round playoff series with the Washington Capitals. They have now lost games after blowing two-goal leads twice in the series, including in last night's 4-2 defeat at the Wachovia Center.

No credit for the Caps here. It was the Flyers who gained the lead. It was the Flyers who lost it. No, wait. BLEW it. Sorry.

The three-games-to-one advantage in the series is gone. Game 7 is tonight in Washington.

I breath oxygen. Mice eat cheese. Traffic is bad. I'm running out of things to say and its only the third paragraph.

The Flyers have played a dozen Game 7s in their history, winning six and losing six. It is a nice stat, both interesting and meaningless -

Other meaningless stats Hoffman could have included here:
-Netflix represents 0.3% of the US Postal Services revenue.
-3,474 condos were sold in Manhattan during the first quarter of this fiscal year.
-4 out of 5 dentists recommend trident for their patients that chew gum.

because these Flyers, this particular group, have never been in a Game 7 before, have never passed or failed a test, not really.

Well, they kinda did that one time, but, well, not, well, kinda, sorta, but not really.

They arrived here with neither past nor prologue.

The seas were choppy, but Captain Ahab steered the boat clear.

Assembled through past drafts and dynamic free-agency moves, they have come together to ride a roller coaster. Streaky does not begin to describe their season, where they alternately looked unbeatable for 2 weeks and then unwatchable for the next 2 weeks. But they played well at the end, and they prepared for their first playoff run together, and they dominated the Caps for the great majority of the first four games.

I'd like to pause and note this truly great analysis. "They played well..." You are a Hockey analysis God, Mr. Hoffmann.

And now they hang on by bloody fingernails.

Eww...

"It's an opportunity that we've let slip away here," Stevens said, both matter-of-factly and bluntly.

As opposed to matter-of-factly and circumlocutorily?

"But there's nothing more we can do right now than get rest."

The train ride to Washington, set for last night, was likely quiet. One can imagine whispered conversations, or maybe eyes closed and seats leaned back and thoughts kept to themselves. They have to know how badly they have muffed this opportunity and how weak and inexperienced they have made themselves look.

Huh huh... he wrote "muff."

Given away? Taken away? "Probably a little bit of both," Stevens said. Matter of fact. Blunt. Hopes? Fears?

All of a sudden Hoffmann remembered that he was being paid by the sentence.

"I have yet to see us not get off the mat, and that's what I expect us to do [tonight]," Stevens said. Matter of fact. Blunt.

All of a sudden Hoffmann remembered that he was being paid by the sentence.

That they now have to go on the road, and that Alexander Ovechkin - with his two goals last night - has finally played like himself just makes it worse.

Previously Ovechkin had played like Squirrelly Moe from office services.

That they had a two-goal lead and then saw the game taken away from them, again, is beyond explanation. (Or maybe it isn't. Maybe they just don't know how to win.)

"Yet somehow this team that doesn't know how to win became the first team to ever go 0-81-1 and make the NHL Playoffs. Their meddle was forged in the crucible of a mid-November overtime loss to Tampa Bay. Said Stevens, "After we lost that overtime game in Tampa I knew that even if we lost the next 72 contests, we'd be OK."

You can point to a dozen things that happened last night - a shot that squirted out of the glove of Flyers goaltender Martin Biron, leading to the Caps' second goal; a post that Braydon Coburn hit at the beginning of the third period; a too-many-men-on-the-ice penalty that led to the last goal;

That's only three. There must be nine more that the editor cut.

on and on. You can point and ponder the goats at your leisure.

I thought these were "things" but now you're telling me they are "goats?" Goats are much funnier, but a little consistency would be nice Mr. Hoffmann. If you're going to talk about goats, I'd prefer an entire paragraph full of goaty goodness.

It might make you feel better,

Goats always make me feel better. Please continue.

but the search for the reasons will still continue. Watching last night, watching the Caps begin to take away the game in the middle of the second period, watching them do it despite being down 2-0 and in a hostile environment, the temptation is to recall the old Gene Hart line when he wanted to signal just such a shift during a telecast: "The Flyers have stopped skating . . . "

Ha ha! That Gene Hart must have been a real cut up!

And then it's 2-2. The Flyers did fight from there. Before Ovechkin split the defense and scored on a breakaway to give the Caps the lead, the Flyers were all over them. "We were in their zone for about 45 seconds, buzzing, getting all kinds of chances," said Danny Briere, who scored his sixth goal of the series last night. But they didn't score, and then Ovechkin suddenly became Ovechkin, and that was that.

Someone tell Danny Briere that his job isn't to "buzz" but to score goats! Ha! Sorry, just channeling my inner-Gene Hart for a second.

All the Flyers were left to do was ponder their predicament. "We've got a new day tomorrow - we haven't lost yet," said defenseman Kimmo Timonen, who has been so good this series but whose turnover led to the Ovechkin breakaway.

We haven't lost yet . . .

This Flyers team played well in a crisis at the end of the season. It played well after giving away the first game of this series to the Caps. Maybe it needs turmoil like the rest of us need oxygen.

Hmm.. Interesting theory. Lets test that in the lab. I'll just grab a beeker full of turmoil and mix it with some Flyer sweat... and lets see here... Ah ha! The results arein: Terrible theory. Very stupid. Please never try science again.

Maybe that will become this group's identity.
Soon, we will know. Very soon.

Very. Ve. V. v...

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir!

One member of the Calgary Flames is already red hot ("That, sir, is the gayest pun I've ever heard" -Razor).

Longtime Keenan whipping boy Kristian Huselius placed a $300 bet on a horse race in Sweden...and won ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS! (aka six million kronor).

Hopefully he didn't empty the Flames' mojo account with his gambling triumph and they still have plenty of good vibes for tonight's game.

While we're on the topic of bad puns, it seems that the Flames-Shark series is a veritable goldmine for the growing throng of Bayless-wannabes. Check these babies oot:

-Sharks mount toothless attack

-Sharks on the menu

-Feeling the heat

-Situation gets flippered

-Shark players tankful for home ice.

-Flames not fin-ished.

And this, from noted hockey writer George Johnson, is cartoonish:

Recent history informs us that the San Jose Sharks are infused with all the wanton bloodlust of Charlie the Sunkist Tuna. Whenever that moment of gut-oozing, spine-snapping annihilation arrives, the chance to sink those powerful jaws into soft, warm flesh and indiscriminately rip, tear and devour, they tend to go all vegetarian.
The Sharks let another big catch wriggle off the hook Sunday night, and for their folly will be forced to go fishing in dangerous waters one more time.

Sorry for making you throw up in your lap. Somewhere, Slip Bayless is nodding approvingly at his screen.

No, Check That: Flyers Fans Have a Loooong Way to Fall to Reach This Point

We took seven games to beat an injury-ravaged 8 seed?

Allez! Allez-allez-allez... Let's go torch some cop cars!


















"The government liquor store in Le Faubourg Sainte-Catherine was heavily looted. Afterwards, some people were coming up to me and asking if I wanted to buy some champagne for $5."

Jesus effing blurrghh. Remember when the Habs were, like, 100 times too competitively relevant for something like this to happen after the first round of the playoffs?

What is this, Houston?

Shameful, Montreal. Truly shameful.

(Seems appropriate to point out now that our banner photo on this blog is from a hockey riot.)

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A Brief Break From Our Regularly Scheduled Hockey Banter

Ya, there are 2 hockey game 7's tonight, and we all have massive rooting interests in full effect, but I stumbled on a basketball story this morning that I can't believe is not getting more play amongst the frustrated Mavericks fans and both local and national media.

It turns out that Josh Howard fairly openly admits to smoking dope - never during the season, of course (or so he says). Now I don't give a crap what any adult does in their personal life, but I found it astounding that Howard would be this candid:

"What can I say? If you can do it and it's not affecting your everyday life, why stop? If I'm able to do it, but not while I play basketball, it lets you know I can quit whenever."

If you've ever had a friend who was a daily user of the cheeba, you've heard that line before.

Howard has been a maddeningly inconsistent player this season - a player who routinely bolts out of the gate and scores 15 points in the first quarter, then impossibly finishes the game with 18 points (he scores 20 points a game for the season, but only averages 4 PPG in the fourth quarter). He makes 2 or 3 completely bone-headed plays every game where he either dribbles around until the shot clock is on his back or he loses his man on defense. These are the actions of someone who lacks concentration, or who is trying to remember where the nearest Taco Bell is.

After the Mavs went AWOL in the second half of game 1 against the Hornets, armed with this information on Howard, you would really expect more over-the-top, moralistic attacks from some fans and holier-than-thou scribes. So far, nothing. Screamin' A could have a field day with this one. "NOW WE KNOW WHY THE MAVERICKS ARE THE PLAYOFF DOGS THAT THEY ARE! THEY'RE ALL RIDIN' HIGH ON CUBAN'S PLANE BLAZING IT UP LIKE METHOD AND RED! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!"

The Flyers Have Already Lost the Series, But Our Fans Have Won the Race to the Bottom

Yeah, the Flyers stink and I hate them, but this fan effort kicks your phony commie propaganda squarely in the daddyjunk.

























0-5, 5.95 GAA, .822 save % indeed.

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Ice Hockey: The Sport for Communists

With the Caps having made it to a Game 7 in their series with the Flyers (sponsored by Tastykakes), DC is freak'n the heck out. (I would say "fuck" but this is a family blog.) (Oops.) Caps fever has hit the District. Children are skipping school, guns are being fired openly in the street, and traffic is at a stand-still. Everyone is... Oh, this is odd... the phone's ringing... hold on just a sec... [picks up phone] Hello?...hmm... I see... that happens normally, then? So, uh, not special? Right. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Shit.

After the welcome respite that was NBC's coverage of the NHL playoffs, tonight the Caps/Flyers series returns to Comcast Sports Network here in Philly, where every moment is sponsored by the real life version of Snacky Cakes. Its good in the sense that I get to watch the Caps even though I live in Philly, and its bad because, with each mention of Tastykakes I inch closer to removing my eyeballs with a spoon.

In other news, some hockey supply shop in Silver Spring, MD is selling t-shirts with the above image. Why, you ask? Because any t-shirt that combines hockey and communism is sure to sell well in Washington, DC.

Your Live Tutorial on the "Dead Man Walking Game"

It's Level VIII in the BSG's renowned "Levels of Losing" column. And tonight we're looking at the biggest one since Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS. (Tonight, starring Martin Biron as Kevin Brown!)

For five games the Flyers dutifully patched the levee holding back the mighty River Ovechkin and still couldn't close out the series... and now it's given way. You can't spell "It's Over" without O-V. No doubt, this one has the makings of a Cechmanek/Esche/Belfour-on-cough-syrup blowout. And we've established that the Flyers tend to lose elimination games by no fewer than six goals.

Since there's no way I could possibly defend the gutless performance of my team of no-account choking pukes, I'm resorting to Plan B:

Personal attacks!

(Or: Plaschke Paragraphs!)

After the Caps' double-OT loss in Game 4, Matty was a hair's breadth away from charging into Finnegan's Wake in his Caps jersey and challenging six off-duty cops to a fight. He waxed eloquent of his pain and sorrow after the loss, beautifully tapping into the, oh, three or four years of emotional agony he endured between becoming a Red Sox fan and seeing the Sox win the World Series in 2004. Of course, six weeks earlier he wouldn't have recognized Dave Steckel if he showed up at his apartment in full uniform.

If you're that desperate for an emotional outlet, go back to rooting for the Orioles like you did for the first 25 years of your life. Choad.

If the Caps win by more than two goals tonight, I'm breaking out Matty's high-school poetry in this space tomorrow.

Go Flames Go!

(Note. -- I already feel kinda bad about poisoning the well here on what's been a terrific series, in all honesty. The intensity level and physicality have been at full-tilt levels, but there's been a shocking absence of cheap-shottery. Notice the home crowds booing the visiting team's best player, rather than the guy who's been sticking out his knee every time the home team's best player skates by? That guy doesn't exist in this series.)


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Duck Season - OVER!

Time to take a break from regular blogsnark and get a little sappy.

The emotion and revelry in the American Airlines Center after the Stars 4-1 series clinching victory were a long time coming for Dallas fans. Finally a Dallas team was able to break through and win something after several years of playoff gag jobs. As BMFS said as we were walking in to the AAC before the game, “Let’s hope that these guys can rescue us from becoming playoff chokerville.” The Stars had been dispatched in the first round the past three tries, the Cowboys (who I enjoy seeing lose) had folded the past couple years, and the Mavericks have fantastically re-written the book on playoff flameouts – and their hall of fame-worthy bed-shitting against the Hornets the day before had only served to plant more doubt in the minds of Dallas sports fans.

Of all of the things that I’ll remember about last night’s game was the image of Mike Modano emerging from a gaggle of bodies with the puck with about 8 seconds left and skating towards an empty net all alone. It was almost poetic that it was the long-time face of the or-gan-I-zation that would be the guy to drive the final stake in to the Ducks and set off the explosions and streamers from the rafters of to push the volume of the arena to Slayer levels .

It’s been more than 20 years since I got to witness a handshake with my team on the good side in person. Today my voice is toooast, I’m hungover and fuckin’ happy as hell.

Other notes on the game:

-Both goalies got assists last night. I dare you to find the last time that’s happened.

-The Ducks went almost 24 minutes between shots on goal in a stretch spanning the 2nd and 3rd periods.

-This was the first game in the series that the lead changed hands.

-I can’t believe it took until the third home playoff game for the AAC production staff to play the Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck “Duck Season” clip.

-And speaking of game production, they sometimes play the Al Czervick car horn when the Stars score – which is genius – but how did they not work in the “Did somebody step on a duck?” line from Caddyshack? (BMFS has been all over this since the series started)

-How is it that the Nazi guy with the remote control changed all 500 of the big TVs on the platinum level to the Stars warmup before the game, turning off the last 2 minutes of the Pistons-Sixers and the Flames-Sharks games in the process, but DURING the Stars game, they leave on a spare-ass Phillies-Mets game on all of the smaller TVs in the concourse?

-How's this for a little insult to injury?

-This guy is a Brian Sutherby lover who also calls Marty Turco a cheater. He's, like, totally an assjack.

Das Nutzenfest with Pierre McGuire

Let's take a break from Caps fans' bellyaching about Flyers favoritism by the NBC broadcast team to point something out.

Upon taking notice that the fans in the Phone Booth in D.C. were booing Daniel Briere every time he touched the puck, Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury wondered aloud why he was the target of such ill humour.

Um... maybe because he'd scored five goals in the first four games of the series?

As game action continued, they abandoned the topic, and approximately one Briere shift later, a light bulb appeared over McGuire's shiny pate. Doc Emrick threw it rinkside for our pal Petey, who posited the following:

"They're booing because last year Briere checked Ovechkin from behind into the open bench door."

Well, this passed muster with Milbury -- he had some vague recollection of some incident like this -- and credit Dr. Pierre McGuire with a universal mystery decoded!

Um... It was Ovechkin who checked Briere from behind into the open bench door.

They're booing because Briere scored five goals in the first four games of the series, tartwhacker.

McGuire's mouth has now officially lapped his brain -- it's one thing to overestimate the size of the Orange & Black Traveling Road Show, quite another to get this incident bass-ackward and blame Briere for a fairly horrid transgression of which he was the victim, not the perpetrator. What, was he askin' for it?

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Now I Know How My Colostomy Bag Feels

Watching the final goal leap just over Christobal Huet's shoulder in the second overtime last night reminded me of watching Aaron B**ne's homer in the 11th inning to end the 2003 ALCS. All that hard work, excitement and promise gone in an instant. In short, it was like being unexpectedly kicked in the nards.

I wanted to throw something, but I was at a friend's house and all the inanimate objects lying around didn't belong to me, so I refrained. I wanted to hit somebody, but didn't have the energy. Besides, I'm a lover not an idiot. (Well, OK, I'm sort of an idiot.) So, instead, I just got up, muttered something about having fun watching the game, shook my friend's hand (he really was gracious to put up with me), and left.

One of the crosses a fan has to bear is lack of control. Getting my ass kicked by some Flyer fan at 11pm on a deserted street, as enticing as it seemed at the time, wouldn't have made Huet any more able to block that last shot. It wouldn't have made the puck sit any easier on Alex Ovechkin's stick with 11 minutes left in the third period and a two goal lead a simple flick of the wrist away. It wouldn't have made a piano fall from the rafters of the Wachovia Center and land square on Danny Briere's goombahs.

All the excuses in the world won't bring that opportunity back. So you just down a beer (or 18) and try to get some sleep as visions of sheep covered in vomit (Hey! How'd that get there?) slowly jumping over Ovechkin's stick bombard your mind's eye.

The Flyers now lead the series 3-1 and the Caps backs are somewhere between against the wall and through it. Some Caps blogs are already talking about next year with the same enthusiasm they had for this series just a week ago.

You'll hear no more talk about the Caps winning the series from me. Its been a tough series from a young team and lots of lessons have been learned, I hope. Maybe enough that this young team can come out next year and put a hurt'n on some peeps.

So, I'm taking the high road. No complaining about the officiating or bitching about how the Flyers are a bunch of cheapshoting punks. Nope. High road, baby.




I can't even see you from up here.

If you don't know by now, Razor is THE SHIT!

As I stumbled around the interblogs today for minutiae, I found myself on Dallas Stars' color commentator Daryl "Razor" Reaugh's blog. In the most recent entry, he drops a few lines about each of the series after the first week of the playoffs. You need to read them all, but his take on the Pens-Sens series is pure gold:

Pittsburgh-Ottawa -- By the time you read this the series will already be over and the Pens will be moving on...How is Darryl Sydor not in the lineup?...The Senators pregame "show" prior to Game 3, with a melodramatic, overacting, oiled up, Roman soldier in full regalia, was easily the gayest thing I've ever witnessed in the Stanley Cup Playoffs...Coaches and G.M's submit your resume' to Canada's capital's team, pronto.

Remember, Razor is not only a local TV broadcaster, but is also frequently a national color guy on Versus. I love the fact that he's not afraid to offend any hockey brass. Or, judging by TV numbers, maybe he knows no one will care anyway.

Yet another bang-up job by Ed "I'm With Stoopid" Wade

Since TOOOAST!!! wasn't around yet when Astros GM Ed Wade traded five players for washed-up overpaid malcontent Miguel Tejada one day before Tejada's name appeared in the Mitchell Report, allow us to pile on now.

(Of course, TOOOAST!!! wasn't around either when Wade was inexplicably hired by the Astros after leading the Phillies to early-October tee times in eight consecutive seasons despite a top-10 payroll in half of them. As the Great Pharaoh Tom Wright Jr. once said, "he must have nude photos of someone.")

Anyway, nice work, Eddie. Andohbytheway, May 25 will be Miggy's 34th birthday, not his 32nd. At least you don't have to pay him an extra 9.4% just 'cause he's 9.4% older than you thought he was.

I really wish I still had a copy of that photo of Wade sitting in the stands a row in front of some smirking joker holding up a sign that says "I'M WITH STOOPID" and an arrow pointing toward Wade. I had a copy on my computer at my old job, but I wasn't able to rescue it before being escorted out of the building by Security.

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Iginla In-raged (get it?)

In today's Calgary Sun, this story appeared detailing an argument between Flames captain Jarome Iginla and Flames assistant coach Rich Preston:

"If there was any doubt the Calgary Flames were an extremely agitated, tense bunch yesterday it was erased by Jarome Iginla.
Make that drowned out by Iginla, who raised plenty of eyebrows -- not to mention tension -- when he was heard screaming at assistant coach Rich Preston behind closed doors of the players' lounge across from the Flames dressing room.
So clearly heated was their exchange, associate coach Jim Playfair heard the ugly confrontation and bolted into the room to ensure things didn't escalate.
The media was quickly escorted back out of the area as PR boss Peter Hanlon joked, "everyone's a little nervous about flying!" but not before the emotional captain was spotted face-to-face with the coach as others gathered.
One of the only words clearly decipherable in Iginla's top of the lungs, profanity-laced rant was "shoot," something the Flames didn't do enough of in Tuesday's series-tying loss to the San Jose Sharks."

No shit Sherlock! I'm surprised Kipper wasn't standing next to Iggy screaming at the coaches and teammates, "TEN SHOTS!!?? That's it??!! FUCKINSHOOTYOUFUCKINPUSSIESSHOOT!!" after the Flames managed only 10 SOG in their sucker-punch loss to the Sharks in game 4.

And I can just imagine the sweat-soaked face of the PR guy as he clumsily tries to explain to the media "Nothing to see here. Move along," as they can clearly hear the altercation and are scrambling for their recorders.

"Why the Stars Are, Like, Going to Win and Stuff"

How could I have overlooked this piece of expert analysis? In reading all of the professional breakdowns of the Stars - Ducks series, somehow I missed reading the blogger with more true insight than any other writer - Willa Ford! Hell, who knows Modano's state of arousal mind better than her? When she's not in LA working (and I'm sure Modano is really bummed to have the house to himself most of the time - what a perfect marriage!), Ms. Ford is blogging about the Stars for NHL.com. Here's a taste of her playoff preview (read it kinda fast and imagine her saying all this stuff to you while you're trying to watch a game - it's guaranteed to make your smash broken Labatt's bottles in to your ears):


"The other thing that’s great about this team is that the guys are so tight, and Brad has fit right in. I mean, if the guys aren’t practicing together, they’re playing golf together, they’re spending time together, you can see that they really love each other. And that is another reason I believe they’ll step up. This team is tight. They don’t want to let each other down, they want to win together, and they want to prove that they remain one of the league’s top teams.

But of course, it’s going to be difficult. And we may have won the regular season series but Anaheim has added some big pieces since then. Our boys will have to be right on top of their game if they’re going to take down the Champs.For this first round, as of now I’m going to be around for most if not all of the games. I work in LA now, which is good because I’ll be close to Anaheim, and then of course I’m home when I’m in Dallas. Like a few of you, I’m sure, I’m going to be there in Anaheim to attend the first game, with my Stars hat on. Hopefully I don’t get heckled too badly – remember people, good competition, not bad. And then I’ll always be back for the home games, unless there is some crazy reason for work purposes. So again, it’s good to be back. I’m happy that you made it this far and I hope you continue to join me watching this team – because I think we’re going to see something special."

Now THAT is breaking down the numbers! Before this excerpt, she pretty much goes through the roster and says, "When ___ is playing well, that's totally good."

...this one time, at band camp....

Briere Scores for a Taste of Shut the F*$# Up!

The Caps better shut the Flyers out for remainder of the series because if I have to hear one more contrived Tastycakes** ad shoved into a goal celebration I'm going to kick the nearest Flyers fan square in the jimmies.

I hate Yankees broadcasts and Redskins broadcasts are only slightly less painful because of the crass nature of the commercialism displayed. Everything is sponsored, everything is for sale, sometimes by multiple sponsors. I've even heard of sponsored events being sponsored ("The Ford Post-Game Show, brought to you by Lowes").

I'm not dull to the realities of today's sports environment. Its a high dollar big business, and that means corporations and advertisements. While in a perfect world I could avoid those things, I understand that its the nature of the beast and one of the prices to pay when you sign up as a fan. What I object to is the crassness of it. Advertising has its place, and that place is not directly after a home run, a touchdown, or a goal. At that moment of excitement, when the game has you most in its grip, that is the time when it seems the most inappropriate, the most painful to my ear.

This is why the Flyers TV broadcasters make me sick. On the whole they do a good job of calling the game. OK, their big homers, but effectively they're paid by the team, so what do you expect? But, after each goal, and I mean seconds after it is scored, the lead broadcaster announces that whomever just scored, "scored for a case of tastycakes." Um, no he didn't. He scored to in effort to win the game. So beyond factually inaccurate and simply irritating in its repetitiveness, its tactless, stupid, and inane.

Even some (and possibly more than some) Flyers fans are sick of this too. The Yankees and Redskins are too far down this road to turn back, but it would be nice if, in a nod to a little big of dignity, the Flyers broadcast would cut it out with this Tastycakes bullshit.

**For some reason Blogger's spellcheck wants to replace "Tastycakes" with "Testicles." This, to me, is funny.

Does not the mountain need the storm? Does not your chin need testes?

Award winning former newspaper executive Mike Wise weighed in on last night's Flyers/Caps tilt.

And you know what? That's not a set-up for a punchline. It's a pretty decent column. Mad decent, even. Some highlights:

"The Caps' postseason slogan: 'Rock The Red.' The Flyers? 'Vengeance Now,' which comes across as less of a slogan and more of a sequel to Charles Bronson's 'Death Wish'."

And:

"It's almost impossible to fathom, but the Capitals took the ice in front of a building as loud as Verizon Center last Friday. The fans wore orange instead of the Capitals' red, and many of the women and children looked as if they could work security for Megadeth."

This, plus admitting the Caps are one of the league's meal tickets and wondering if Tim Donaghy can skate, referring to Riley Cote as a "stumpy rogue", actually researching something on HockeyFights.com... all good stuff.

But two things continue to distract me:

1. The Capitals train in a place called Ballston (!!!!).

2. If there is anyone whose press photo begs more loudly for a pair of shiny plastic testicles upon its chin, I surely haven't found him. I mean, look at this:

I think he needs Tha Nutz just as a counterweight to offset that jaunty little tilt of his head.

But for now, we shall congratulate him for a column well written.

Tell you what, though -- if I lived in Ballston, I'd be rockin' Tha Nutz on my ride.

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One thing on which Phillies, Mets and Cubs fans can agree

Dallas Green is a douche.




































Oh, and Lupica is a fellatrix.

Anyway, Spike Vrusho, publisher of the old baseball 'zine Murtaugh, has a book out. Yeah, I think that's goin' on my wish list.

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Pierre McGuire's Mouth Is More Turd-Filled Than His Pooper

Theres nothing like talking out of your ass. Don't know what you're talking about? Don't know the answer? Don't know where you are/who you are/your ass from a hole in the ground? Theres a simple answer to all of the above and it goes a-little something like this: Make it up! Who is going to know?

Well, if you're a national TV broadcaster, lots of people.

To pick one at random…Hmm…[flips through book], Ah ha! What if you are Pierre McGuire and you are reporting on a hockey game in DC with a crowd of over 18,000 live on national TV. Despite the fact that the crowd is all wearing home colors, cheering for the Capitals, etc. you tell your viewers that the crowd is composed of 50% Flyers partisans. This means that you are either 1) full of shit or, 2) unable to identify simple colors (which, as we're all aware is a prerequisite to be a national TV broadcaster. For example, Joe Morgan knows red from orange).

So, Pierre McGuire, for shooting off your mouth without requesting any prior assistance from your or any nearby functioning brain, YOUGETDANUTZ!!! (limited edition BlueNutz at that)

Stop the Madness!

In Matty's earlier post, he mentioned the "Red Out" in Washington, and every day in Dallas, we are reminded to wear our black jerseys for a "Black Out" for tomorrow's game 3. When I first told Billiemuthafuckinsmalls about the Stars' plans, he responded, "That'll be perfect for their funeral when they come back to Dallas down 0-2." He woulda been spot on, if not for a pair of who'd a thunk it road wins for the Stars.

And don't teams that tell their fans to all wear white to games know that white is the color of surrender?

This whole "___ Out" phenomenon has to stop! It's getting to be like today's version of The Wave. But since it is still going strong, it's time to give the fans who started it all a little love. My Bud-soaked brain cells remembered that it was the Winnipeg Jets fans who started it with their version of a White Out in the mid-80's, and the Calgary Flames fans who took it to a whole new level, and who have faithfully kept the "C of Red" alive for more than 20 years.


According to Wikipedia, I had it backwards. The Flames fans are the original, and still the best at mass conformity.

I think the Ducks should have a Brown Out to symbolize their shitty play.

Stars - Ducks Three Stars

As chosen by Orange County Register Food Editor Cathy Thomas:

3. Scott Niedermayer. Co-led the Ducks with 4 PIM, one of which the Stars scored on! Very gracious, if I do say so myself. Also led the team with a -2, which was the highest negative number of the whole group.

2. Chris Pronger. Any good restaurant has a good maitre d', and Mr. Pronger consistently provided Stars players with a quick, open pathway to the front of the Ducks net, never once getting in their way or slowing them down. Tres bien!

3. Todd Bertuzzi. His name rolls off my tongue like a succulent Italian cream sauce. He tied with Mr. Niedermayer for the team lead in penalty minutes, so he must be good. Plus, any time the Ducks started playing well, he would draw a penalty to make sure the visiting Stars never felt uncomfortable. Orange County hospitality at its finest.

Great job Ducks! Have a great time in the Lone Star State! Try the barbecue brisket while you're there, I've heard it's to die for!

Caps Lose To Flyers? Thats Unpossible!

Yes, unpossible as it may seem, the Caps did finally lose a hockey game. Tonight, after coming out like gangbusters for the first 5 minutes and failing to score, they were spent. It wasn't that they played badly, but they didn't play well, if that makes any sense.

If I had known any of the above about 9 hours ago, I would've saved myself the effort, but I didn't. So I attended this afternoon's game. It was fun blah blah blah playoff hockey blah blah great blah blah crappity crap POOOP!

Heres some pictures.



This guy is called "the Goat." You know because he's labeled.


The Caps have been encouraging their fans to "Red Out" the games. In this picture, you can see the audience. Pretty red, eh?

Also of note, the fans were very loud. As a former Washingtonian who grew up going to Caps games at the old Caps Center in Landover, MD, this is as loud as I can ever remember the fans being. There were some Flyers fans there, but compared to a regular season game when Flyers fans would be a good 30-50% of the attendees, this was impressive. I thought.


Me making a face in happier (pre-game) times. OK, thats more than enough time and effort spent on a losing hockey game.

Flyers Lose Game, Testicle

How hard are Mike Green's shots? They'll blow your balls off, man.

Poor poor Patrick Thoresen made the penultimate sacrifice during the third period last night at the Phone Booth in DC. The Flyers were clinging to a 4-3 lead and the Caps were putting some pressure on the Flyers net. Caps defenseman Mike Green took a slapshot from the point and Thoresen dropped to the ice to block it.

And block it he did. Unfortunately he blocked it with his nuts. The same things which hang from Ottawa Sun columnist Don Brennan's chin.

It doesn't sound like Thoresen'll be playing hockey or having children anytime soon. According to the Philadelphia Inquirer's Phil Sheridan, "General manager Paul Holmgren grimly told reporters after the game that Thoresen may lose a testicle." How does that even come up? Do reporters instinctively know to ask about that as a matter of course?

Reporter: Tough loss, Paul. Anyone lose a testicle?

I'd bet it would go more like this?

Reporter: Tough loss, Paul.
GM: Yeah. Fortunately hes got one more.
Reporter: Huh? One more?
GM: You know. Testicle.
Reporter: One more testicle?
GM: Yeah.
Reporter: You mean he's going to lose a... *gulp* testicle?
GM: Yes.
Reporter [pukes]

The strange thing, aside from the injury, was that Green's shot ricocheted off Thoresen's nuts and back to the Capitals, who were on the power play at the time. So, while Thoresen lay on the ice trying to mute the indescribable pain by curling up into a ball, the Caps effectively had a 5-on-3 power play. Green then took another shot and Thoresen's balls didn't get in the way of this one. The puck only stopped by hitting the back of the net. Tie game.

Act like and ass, you get Da Nutz!

In recognition for turning what should be the biggest story in Ottawa (Canadians do love their hockey!) in to his own personal Pedestal of Dig Me, Ottawa Sun columnist Don Brennan gets the inaugural BumperNutz on Yer Grill Award! Wear it with pride assjack.

Huh Huh... You Said...

From the National Post:

Flyers coach Paul Holmgren said that it is a possibility that Patrick Thoresen may have to have a testicle removed after he was injured blocking a shot.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Eleven posts sure do go by fast these days. It seems like only yesterday that I got a email invitation to join TOOOAST!!!! ...and, checking the calendar, it actually was yesterday. Man, those pain meds sure do kick ol' Bud up a notch, don't they?

Alright, enough sentimentality, its time to go release the old bowels on my unsuspecting toilet. If you tip-toe in quietly they never hear you coming until POOP! But by then its too late.

Happy Anniversary!!

I Swear This Post Does Not Contain The Word, "Poop."

Theres nothing better/worse than waiting for your favorite team to play a playoff game. Its somewhat like Christmas eve when you're a kid, but throw in the possibility that, instead of getting that bike you so badly want, your dad might beat the shit out of you.

Tonight the Capitals play the Flyers in the first game of their first round match up. Its the first playoff game for Alex Ovechkin and its also the first game the Caps can afford to lose in about a month. After digging themselves a massive hole by going 6-15 (and 1) to start the year, the Caps spent the better part of the next four months attempting to climb back out. Suffice it to say that it came down to the last day. With the physical nature of hockey, it makes you wonder if the team could be thinking, collectively as teams do, "Whew! We made it... "

Don't get me wrong, this is already a successful season for the Caps, whether they win another game or not. The same could probably be said for the Flyers too, I'd imagine. Still, as a fan of a team that has not truly been embraced by a wider audience, I know you only get so many shots at cementing relevancy. This is one of those precious chances. Fans in DC are fired up, biz-itch. Watch the game tonight if you don't believe me. Continuing this type of fan excitement will be important to turning the Caps into not only a prosperous franchise, but to keeping them in Washington.

Nobody has mentioned moving the Caps that I've ever heard, but how many years can a team consistently rack up $20M losses without the topic being broached? What I'm saying is the team is fired up (we hope), the city is fired up, and theres a chance here to do for the Caps what 1967 did for the Red Sox.

You have to hope that the team has some idea of what is really at stake in this series. Now, I'm not saying that winning this series will make the Caps a profitable team, but I do think that it will help generate more excitement. This sort of reaction is sustainable (and profitable) only as long as a team is winning (unless that team plays in Atlanta, in which case it doesn't matter how much winning you do because nobody cares).

The mainstream press is jumping on the Caps bandwagon with coverage right and left. Bloggers are out in force, and the fans are showing up at the Phone Booth wearing the prescribed color, drinking lots of bad beer and yelling. All thats left is for the team to win.

Poop. (damn)

Michael Irvin Really is a PIMP

So you're a NFL player. You get popped for numerous criminal acts. You make it rain on a nightly basis. Your team finally tires of getting the 4 am wake up calls to bail your ass out of jail and says, "So long dipshit. We don't need your clown ass around here anymore."

What do you do?

Call Al Davis? Nah. That's so last year.

You call Michael Irvin! He's got a daily radio show in Dallas, at least for a little while longer, where he spews his teary tales of reformation to the Cowboy lemmings who wipe their eyes with Playmaker hankies. Bingo. Instant rumor mill.

Pacman Jones did this a few weeks ago and now there's a daily "When are the Cowboys going to get Pacman?" discussion. "I mean, it's not like he killed anybody or anything, and he can return punts too!"

Now we hear that Chris Henry has made The Come to Michael Call. "Fo' sho' Chris. I got Jerry's ear. I'll get you on up in here in no time."

They already have Tank Johnson. Man, I pray that the Cowboys get Pacman, Henry, and any other cat who recently got released from the joint.

Ladies and gents, I give you the 2008 Cowboys:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/sports/nfl/longterm/2006/nfl_chart_12162006.html

Only in Hockey

We may have the beginning of a beeaauuutiful friendship brewing right before our eyes between noted hockey tough guy Georges Laraque and Ottawa Sun columnist Don Brennan. You may remember that it was Brennan who wrote that it might be a good idea for the lowly, gutless Senators to take a whack at the ankles of Penguins star players. You know, the old "You may win on the scoreboard, but we kicked your ass!" mentality. (Side note: that mentality was demonstrated brilliantly by the brain dead Ducks last night, and you see where that got them).

Anywho, apparently Laraque, whose responsibility it is to take care of his gravy train, was approached by other members of the media, who asked him what he thought of Brennan's proposed thuggery. His answer? "Stupid."

And here's the best part, in true junior high fashion, Brennan responded, IN PRINT, in an "actual newspaper, " with this gem: "Call me that to my face."

Now THAT is professionalism. What a maroon. But in reality, the fight between Brennan and Laraque might last longer than the Pens-Sens series.

Disclaimer: Of course I know Brennan's doing a bit, but I think it's pretty telling that, rather than actually cover a real life NHL playoff series, the Ottawa Sun is running school boy shenanigans. I dare you to name a single other reputable newspaper that would stoop to this level.

The dawn of the LOLgoalie

Love the experessions on the fans' faces at right.





















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Next time, let Plaschke pick the Three Stars

After last night's merciless throttling of the Anaheim Ducks by the Dallas Stars, we were informed that, despite the Ducks' generally ham-handed performance, Brad May was named second star of the game. ("Le Deuxieme Etoile... BRAD! MAY!!") I couldn't wait to investigate who chose the Three Stars.

As a general rule of thumb, if your team gets shut out 4-0, your team is not going to have anyone named as one of the Three Stars. If your goalie has stopped something like 55 of 59 shots en route to that outcome, he might be the Third Star, but that's about it.

As you can see at the lower right here, the typical game summary lists the Three Stars and the local media member who designated them as such. And Sharks radio broadcaster Dan Rusanowsky's choices seem pretty well unimpeachable in the case of last night's Calgary/San Jose game.

Now here is the Anaheim/Dallas game summary. Indeed, Brad May ("You may know me from such atrocities as 'cheering and laughing hysterically on the bench as Todd Bertuzzi broke Steve Moore's neck'...") was named Le Deuxieme Etoile... but no one attached his or her name to the decision! You gutless puke!

At first I assumed it must have been Plaschke, who used to pick 'em once in a while but got banned the time he named Juan Pierre the first star.

Somehow I'll find out how a guy who played 7:35 and didn't show up anyplace else in the box score got named the second star in a game in which his team got bombed out of the building.

Thanks to Bill R for the tip.

(See what I did there? Makes it look like we have readers! We do not.)

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Western Conference PIcks - A Day Late, But In No Way Affected by Opening Night of the Playoffs. Honest!

Now to get to the conference that I actually watch, read about and give one of my shits aboot.


(1) Red Wings vs (8) Nashville:

Crunch any number you want - they all come out in Detroit's favor. Unlike past seasons when Detroit has charged in to the playoffs wielding the President's Trophy in one hand, the scoring leader in another hand, the Vezina winner in another hand, a Hall of Fame coach in another hand, Hockeytown T-shirts in another hand, Claude Lemieux's severed head in another hand, a stable of high-priced free agents in another hand and the future namesake of the the Defenseman of the Year Trophy (when the Norris is officially renamed the Lidstrom Trophy) in their eighth hand, this year's top-seeded Wings aren't playing a team that has either the firepower or the force field of a goalie that could upset them.

The Wings won't wrap all of their octopus tentacles around their own necks until round 2.

Wings in 4.


(2) San Jose vs (7) Calgary:

I hate Mike Keenan. No coach drives his team right in to the ditch with the efficiency of Keenan, as shown by the fact that he hasn't won a playoff series since 1996 and has actually been fired from 3 teams since. He guided the Flames to a playoff berth almost in spite of his efforts, and the rumours on infighting were heard all season. This is a talented team that carried itself through the year and will be a strong test for this year's sexy "Pick to Click", the Sharks.

I see the series going like this:
-The Flames have All-Stars at 3 essential positions for playoff success: goalie, bad ass blue-liner and big-game scoring forward - enough to keep them in a playoff series. They are too good to get mowed down by the Sharks, even if SJ is cruising on to the playoffs.

-The Flames steal game 1 behind an other-worldly performance by Kipper. (Yes, I thought this before last night's game - he does it every time they open a series on the road).

-After witnessing the Sharks come in to Dallas last weekend and try to "set the tone" (hockey talk for "running around hitting shit with your head cut off") - I think the Sharks can be their own worst enemy. They ended up taking some retarded penalties that allowed the Stars to win the game. I can see physical players like Phaneuf and Iginla taking a few runs at some Sharks, and the men in teal over-retaliating, allowing the Flames to stay in games on the power play.

-It goes deep in to the series and after a close Sharks win in game 6, drunken Calgarians attack the handful of Sharks fans in the Saddledome and end up mounting their heads on pikes along the Red Mile (see here if you don't believe this is possible).

-The Hockey Gods are angered not only by this behavior, but also by the ridiculousness of the entire team shaving Faux-Hawks in to their heads (not 'Fro-Hawks, as those infinitely white morons from CBC called them last night. Since Commodore left, the only Flame even close to being able to grow a 'Fro-Hawk would be Iggy). The deities take control of game 7 and the Sharks win it handily, thus dispatching of those pesky Flames.

Sharks in 7.


(3) Wild vs (6) Avalanche:

This series is like the play-in game in the NCAA tournament. It's like having to invite your little brother to the rink with all your friends. In the words of SNL's imitation Dick Vitale, when asked about women's basketball, "Who cares baby!"

Wild in 7. I guess.


(4) Ducks vs (5) Stars:

This is where I have to separate "common sense" from "wishful thinking." I want the Stars to win, and there was even a time this season where the Stars looked like they could actually advance in the playoffs. Then the bottom fell out in March, they draw the Stanley Cup champs in the first round, and now have to go on the road to win. The Ducks are 9-2 in playoff series in the last 3 years. The Stars? 0-3. With a bullet.

I love Turco and I'm confident he'll show up again this year like he did last year where he pitched THREE SHUTOUTS in a series and LOST THE SERIES! Impossible, unless you're the Stars. Brad Richards has sucked harder than Denise Richards on her honeymoon lately and there's a collective feeling among Stars fans that all of our scrotums are pinatas, just waiting to get bludgeoned.

The Stars will fight and fight and will be down 3-2 in the series, coming back to Dallas for game 6. They'll get it to OT, where all Stars fans will look at each other and think, "If we get this goal, the series is tied and we go to game 7 , where anything can...FUCK!" The Ducks just scored to send the Stars packing once again. But hey, it looks like good golfing weather out there.

Duck in 6.