Like, Wow! Total Shocker!

Weeeeell, that wasn't predictable, was it? Nooooooo! Not at all. Who could have foreseen C.C. Sabathia, the best pitcher on the free agent market, signing with the New York Yankees for $750 Billion*? Certainly not me. No way! I would never have guessed that. Not in a million years. The most expensive free agent signing with the Yankees? So strange! I'm wracking my brain, but I just can't recall another example of the Yankees spending lots of money on a free agent! So weird! And for the largest contract ever given to a pitcher in the history of baseball! The Yankees just don't set spending records like this!

Well, at least we know that this will work out well for them. I mean, how can it not? Sabathia is a great, great, super great, Hall-of-Fame-if-he-retires-yesterday pitcher who will certainly win all of his starts for the Yankees. In fact, just seeing Sabathia on the mound for New York will almost certainly cause the opposing team to collectively make pee-pee in their uniform pants! I'm making pee-pee in my uniform pants now just thinking about it!

And, to top it all off, he's never been injured before, so theres no way he'll get injured in the future! So the Yankees, normally the picture of fiscal sanity have actually agreed to spend some of their money on a pitcher who's very presence basically guarantees them seven World Series trophies in the next six seasons! So awesome for them!

So, serious congratulations to Yankee fans everywhere, from us at TOOOAST! Its going to be really awesome when Sabathia blows out his elbow and his forearm goes flying across the field wins the World Series for the Yankees! Good times!

*This figure is unconfirmed.