January in Dallas: Otherwise known as "How Many Super Bowls Yer Team Won?" Season.
As an Eagles fan in the heart of Cow Delirium Country, I hear that question occasionally throughout the year, but never as much as I hear it between weeks 16/17 of the regular season -- when the Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl, consarnit -- and the Conference Championship weekend -- when the Cowboys are nowhere to be found but on the cover of People Magazine.
It's the Cowboys homer's answer to every question or comment:
- The Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in 13 years now.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- This, despite what scouts roundly consider to be the strongest talent base in the entire league. The Cowboys fielded half a team's worth of Pro Bowlers last season, plus the two kicking specialists!
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Just off the top of my head, for example, the Eagles have won approximately a dozen playoff games in that time period.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your team showed an alarming lack of pride and fortitude Sunday in a must-win game. In fact, I would go so far as to say they have absolutely no testicles. Their collective scrotum is filled with naught but hot air.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Does it bother you on any level whatsoever that you seem to care more about the Cowboys than the actual Cowboys care about the Cowboys?
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your quarterback is one year into a $68 million contract extension and, in the last month of each of the past three seasons, has played like he isn't worth a plug nickel.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your head coach looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy after a trip through the washing machine with a brand new pair of blue jeans and exhibits human vital signs only when the opposing team misses a field goal.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- You've already traded a first-round pick and a third-round pick next season for a wide receiver you don't even use. Then you gave him a $50 million extension.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Before his facelift, your team owner used to look like the "tragedy" mask. Now he looks like the "comedy" mask.*
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your raisin-sac quarterback fainted in the shower after Sunday's game like Zsa Zsa Gabor on the way into county lockup.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your defensive captain actually attacked a Cowboys fan at the team headquarters the day after Sunday's emasculating defeat.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
- Your son has his driver's license and he can't remember seeing the Cowboys win a playoff game. Other than the senseless proclamations that emerge from your piehole between August and November every season, he's not sure what differentiates the Cowboys from the Arizona Cardinals. In fact, he's wondering whatever happened to Jake Plummer, and whether Jerry Jones might consider bringing him in for next season.
How many Super Bowls yer team won?
Yeah, it's a regular hootenanny in Dallas this time of year. And there will be much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments in the coming months, but come August, the NFL media (a/k/a half the living members of the Ring of Honor) will be predicting another Cowboys rampage through the NFL en route to a Super Bowl championship. And in all likelihood, I'll just copy this post and paste it up again.
*Matty's line. A real winner, no?
Anyway, bring on "Tiberius Jackson" and the Vikings!
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