"I'm Susan Lucci, Bitch!"

It wasn't my intention to draw attention to the tragicomic goings-on with the Washington Redskins these days -- the other two contributors here at TOOOAST!!! are both $kins fans -- but then I saw this:

Sez London Fletcher-Baker: I'm the Susan Lucci of the NFL!"

Remember: his name is London Fletcher-Baker. The "London" says "porn star," the hyphen says "progressive woman of the 21st century." Ah, what a complex woman... Er, NFL middle linebacker.

But enough of the cheap shots; what the jolly shit is going on with the Redskins? Erstwhile team leader Clinton Portis has had some sharp words for "Zornie," Santana Moss took a 15-yard penalty celebrating with a prop in the end zone when the Redskins were still down 2 TDs to the bottom-feeding Bengals, and now "Fletch" has erupted with some truly pea-brained comments. Sugar, Mr. Poon?

To take this seriously for a sec: Yo, Fletch, no shame in lagging behind Jon Beason and Patrick Willis in Pro Bowl voting -- they're better than you are. So are Barrett Ruud, Brian Urlacher (he's better and more famous than you are, Fletchy-poo, and he still didn't make it), Bradie James, Chedda Plax's boy Antonio Pierce, and... shit, you could make a case for Stewart Bradley. Really, you ought to be thankful you didn't miss out on a trip to Hawai'i (that's how people spell it when they really want to go there) to something called "Stewart Bradley."

More importantly than any of that, Fletch-O-Matic (now I'm writing for the MAD magazine letters page, apparently), you're paid like an All-Pro. In other words, your employer recognizes your value, and yet you still flap your gums because some anonymous arbiters -- who are renowned for their inexplicably senseless decisions year after year -- fail to recognize you?

This whole thing just smells funny -- frankly, it's odd that someone of Fletcher's character would come up with nonsense like this. It's getting difficult to dispute that the edges are fraying at Redskin Park. How many ends does a rope have? However many, that's how many upon which the Redskins' players are pulling.

With the passing of one of the all-time greats, I wonder if the Redskins can get their bid'ness together enough to pay him a fitting tribute against the schizophrenic Eagles this Sunday. We'll see...

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