The audio is still dropping out of the telecast repeatedly in three-second chunks. I subscribe to Dish Network, by the way -- the company that has retained Frank Caliendo as its pitchman and purchased literally hours of advertising time during these MLB playoffs. The audio is dropping out only during the game, not during Caliendo's groundbreaking Shatner impersonation.
Boy, Howard and Burrell are absolute pincushions against elite pitching. In an AL park, the bottom third of their order scares me more than those two at this point. Phils squander a leadoff double from the outstanding Jayson Werth.
Just flipped over to check out the NHL-worst Flyers losing to the San Jose Sharks at home. The Flyers are the only team in the NHL that has yet to win a game. This after reaching the Conference Finals last season.
By the way, All-Pro guard Shawn Andrews underwent back surgery today and is out for the season, and the Eagles have shown an unprecedented ability this year to turn small successes into large failures. Boy do we ever need the Phillies right now.
Sharks TV commentary guy Drew Remenda -- one of the best around -- points out that, given the new rule in the NHL whereby the faceoff ensuing a delayed penalty automatically takes place in the offensive zone of the team going onto the power play, the Flyers should have just deliberately turned the puck over immediately when the Sharks were called for a delayed penalty. First guy I've seen point this out, other than myself, verbally, to Snizza. Further POOOAST!!!'ins on this some other time.
Flyers score on said power play to tie it at 6. We're going to overtime!
Meanwhile -- and I swear I haven't been watching freaking October hockey this whole time -- Hamels has crashed into an iceberg at the bottom of the Rays' lineup. Bases loaded, one out. Need another double-play ball from Upton in the two hole.
Feliz. Utley. Howard. Double play.
(I promise wrote the double-play reference in advance of Upton's at-bat. You'll have to trust me.)
I wish I could somehow twist Hamels' name into some sort of allusion to male genitalia, 'cause I'd have one of those right now -- like when Matty's Papelboner is at half-Masterson.
FOX just caught someone in the Rays dugout -- Kazmir? -- stuffing a big wad of smokeless tobacco into his lip. They immediately switched to another camera. Kids, don't try this at home! Now for some more commercials for boner pills!
The bottom of the Phils' order gets cookin' in the fourth, with singles from Victorino and Feliz. Charlie Manuel is now going to ask his DH to bunt the runners over. Granted, the DH is Chris Coste, not Big Fuckin' Papi, but c'mon.
Manuel takes the bunt sign off at 0-1. Coste grounds to first. Results are exactly the same as those of a sacrifice bunt, except Coste's batting average drops. Joe Morgan is right: Statistics = Crap!
Flyers lose the shootout on a goal from former Flyer Jeremy Roenick. Still the only team in the league without a win.
The Panamanian Strongman* drives in a run from third with a groundout. Three-nil Fightins.
*I intended for this to be a reference not to General Noriega, but rather to a video game that showed up periodically in the early years of The Simpsons -- remember when Bart and Milhouse used to hang out at Noiseland arcade? -- but I can't find a photo of it. That stuff aired in, like, 1991. Wasn't much on the Interwebs back then. It's referenced on this page, along with other video games that have appeared on the series, such as "Nuke Canada," "Time Waster," and "My Dinner with Andre."
Side retired in the fourth. "Gonna Fly Now" time. And the sound drops out three notes into it! Outstanding.
Hamels is touched up for a Carl Crawford solo homer right smack in the middle of the booth's totally gratuitous interview with Phillies Pitching Coach Rich Dubee. Can we just stop with this basura already?
The sound is now dropping out so frequently that it's getting irritating. I need to get a goddamn DVR just so I can synch up the TV picture with GameDay Audio.
After a half-inning in which the Rays score, we get Tom Petty's "Runnin' Down a Dream." How is that fair? Petty is from Gainesville -- a couple hours up the road -- but nobody even knows that. If I don't hear The Roots before the end of this game, I'm firing off some cranky emails.
Keep foulin' 'em off, Big Guy. Kazmir is up around 90 pitches in the fifth inning, but he's been mostly impressive since the first. Howard works the walk. (Hamels has thrown only 53 pitches through 4 IP.)*
*Note that I looked all this up online. This is the type of useful information FOX neglects in lieu of pointless interviews and stories about Joe Maddon's Ed Hardy t-shirt collection.
Burrell is spraying foul balls all over hell and creation. Kazmir is at 94 pitches. Buck mentions the pitch count at last.
Burrell reaches on an error by Pena at first on a squib hit to Kazmir along the first base line. Buck and McCarver intimating Burrell should be called out for running inside the baseline. No arguments from the Rays, as it's a play they absolutely should have made.
Game's half over; 3-1 Phils.
McCarver just said Carlos Ruiz is from Venezuela. He is not. As alluded to above, he is from Panama.
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