In Defense of Matt Millen

It’s a sad day in the sports world. Pro sports longest monarchy (because what had Millen done to deserve his job besides inheriting it from God?) is finally gone. The King has been executed.

Soon the Lions will be just like every other mediocre sports franchise. They'll bounce from moderately successful head coach to moderately unsuccessful head coach, occasionally fielding an adequate defense, occasionally making the playoffs, occasionally happening onto star players and mostly failing to capitalize on them and even maybe going so far as to demonize them for their talent. Ahh, to dream.

I’m sure all that sounds great to Lions fans right now. As a great American might say, “Mmm… mediocrity…” But, to me, Millen’s departure leaves a giant void (not unlike the quality of his drafts) in the American sports landscape. What other runner of a sports franchise is wholly unqualified for their job? Who else's idiocy provides the pure enjoyment that Millen's did?

Al Davis? He’s older than oil, but before his brain turned to bat guano (sometime during the Jurassic period) he was actually forward thinking and successful. Had he not been recently fired, the obvious dropper of Millen's torch would be Isiah Thomas, whose penchant for sexual harassment combined with his inability to either run or coach a basketball team had all the watch-ability of a gasoline truck colliding with a bus full of retarded kids during rush hour on the interstate. Thomas was one of those “it’s better to burn out than to fade away” guys. He had a much higher (lower?) “peak” than Millen, though Millen’s tenure (inexplicably) lasted far longer.

Unfortunately, I’m not as up on all the people who run hockey and basketball franchises now, so I’d beg BMFS and Snizza to put in their two cents on this issue, but as far as football and baseball goes Millen’s departure leaves a paucity of inexplicable and repetitious idiocy. The only two who could even sniff Millen’s jock are Arizona Cardinals owner Bill Bidwell and whoever owns the Seattle Mariner’s, and neither of them is nearly as moronic, derelict in their duties, nor repeated their own mistakes as often as Millen.

To be fair, Millen is a hard act to follow, though not in the traditional sense. No, in the traditional sense, he’s the perfect act to follow because anything you do short of smearing your feces on the wall during your introductory press conference will be deemed a smashing success.

Most people will be happy to see Millen go. And, sure, he probably deserved to be fired moments after he was hired. However, sports are entertainment, and the sad truth to me is the Lions will be much less entertaining now that Matt Millen isn’t in charge.*


*If there’s any justice, Millen will immediately be hired by the Patriots.