Death is Good, When You've Got the Big Blue Star on the Side of Your Helmet

The Dallas Cowboys. America's Team, right? And a lightning rod for hatred and scorn for fans of other teams. As noted Cowboy hater BMFS frequently says regarding Cowboys issues (and a saying that may eventually find its way on to his headstone), "Life is good when you've got that big blue star on your helmet."

As in Roy Williams making the Pro Bowl last year, and a record thirteen Cowfucks making the trip to Hawaii. If you don't know who to include in the Pro Bowl, throw a Cowboy in there, right?

Life is good...

And now, after the seniors committee finally ended Bob Hayes' chances of being named to the Hall of Fame in 2004 - "Let us not hear of feats of speed and daring again! The Council has spoken! Bob Hayes, thou art banished, never to be heard of...AGAIN!" - an amazing and unprecedented thing has happened. The seniors committee has decided to give Hayes an extra-special super-secret 2nd chance at HOF-dom.


Life is good....


"But he changed the game! HE CHANGED THE GAAAAMMMME!" (Old Cowboy fan sitting down the bar from me then farts and falls down).


I've heard it a million times whenever Hayes' numbers are brought up, and reveal him to be less than Hall-worthy.


"NO! He was SO fast! You had to see him! Arrghghhh..." (geriatric Cowboy fan drops dead of a heart attack)*


Now for the facts. Yes old man, you were right. Kinda. He did have an effect on how opposing defenses played the Cowboys. But after leading the league in TD receptions in his first two seasons, the defense employed more zones against him, and he never led the league again. He never topped 1000 yards in a season again either.


And another thing, he was not responsible for the development of zone defenses. They had been around since 1950.

"DAMMIT!! HE CHANGED THE GAME DAGBLURNIT!!!"


When you say someone "changed the game", players like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (outlawing the dunk), Wilt Chamberlain (widening the lane, outlawing offensive goaltending), or Lawrence Taylor (radically altering offensive line schemes) come to mind. However, once the changes these players dictated were made, they adjusted their games and continued to dominate their sports and become cornerstone Hall of Famers.


Hayes? His production gradually decreased and by his 8th season, he was virtually useless.


"Ya but he has better numbers than Lynn Swann! SEE! There's an anti-Cowboy bias right there! This proves it!!!!" (says the dead guy's friend, who would rather argue with me about Hayes and the Cowboys than tend to his recently deceased partner)


But Swann has multiple singular moments of excellence in big games and Super Bowls. The sillouhette of his catch in Super Bowl X could easily be the NFL logo. Oh ya, four rings doesn't hurt either. Nor does the lack of a prison term on his resume.


Hayes? Perhaps the most memorable moment of his post-season career is tanking in the Ice Bowl.


"Bob Hayes wasn't able to deal with the cold," former Green Bay guard Jerry Kramer notes, referring to the Cowboys' fleet wide receiver. "[Safety] Herb Adderley picked up on the fact that Hayes had his hands in his pants when he came up to the line. Whenever Herb saw that, he cheated over to the middle. He picked off a pass because of that."


"But it was a different game then!" (a last gasp defense by the guy under my stool who I thought was already dead.)


Sure, the modern game is different and recievers in the past few decades have blown Hayes' numbers out of the water, but the other five HOF WRs who were direct contemporaries of Hayes (Lance Alworth, Fred Biletnikoff, Don Maynard, Paul Warfield and Charley Taylor) all easily surpassed his career totals in receptions, yards and touchdowns.


He was a great player for a very short period, who was somewhat of a one-trick pony. And once defenses got a handle on that trick, Hayes was rendered pedestrian. Hell, his own team didn't even induct him in to its Ring of Honor until he was on his death bed in 2001, almost three decades after he retired. That surely spoke volumes to Hall voters.


"BUT YOU NEVER SAW HIM PLAAAYYYY!!!"GLLRRRRGGGLLLBULURRGG!!!"

Die fucktard.

*It's like a scene out of 300, except instead of Persians, old wrinkly drooling Cowboys fans keep coming at you with gap-toothed, intangible Bob Hayes arguments while I continue to repel them with spears of fact and common sense. But. They. Keep. Coming.