Don't Go Hurling Feces In Denver

Yesterday wasn't the best of days in Matty's World of Sports. The Red Sox lost 11-0 to something named Jesse Litsch. I'm pretty sure I've seen him hawking the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine on HGTV at 3am. It would take a corn-filled green poop sandwich to out-do that turdwich. Could the Redskins do it? Pressure is on!

Hey, no problem, man. When it comes to sucking, don't challenge the Redskins. Don't come up here into our house thinking you can blow worse, cause we going to lay down like a two dollar whore and... OK, enough of that. The Skins lost the game 47-3 and pro bowl defensive end Jason Taylor to what looked like a serious knee injury. Hey, at least they scored, right?... Right?... Hello? Hey, is this thing on?!

The team is calling it a 'sprain' but Taylor is scheduled to undergo an MRI today and the results are not expected to be positive because results like this never are. For example, you never hear, "An MRI today to study Jason Taylor's knee injury has found no internal damage, but did discover a five dollar bill lying on the examining room floor. Taylor was later seen skipping out of the hospital with two scoops of vanilla."

Nope. What you are more likely to hear is, ""An MRI today to study Jason Taylor's knee injury has found little green aliens eating away at his bones. A five dollar bill was found lying on the examining room floor and Taylor picked it up and attempted to saw off his head. Doctor Goatcabin was able to take the bill away from Taylor after he got about halfway through. Taylor is listed as 'day-to-day' with no bones and a dangling head."

To quote the great Yogi Berra, "Can someone please change my adult diaper as, once again, I have soiled myself?"

Wait, wrong quote. Take 2:

To quote the great Yogi Berra, "Its getting late early." And really, who the hell knows what that means?

On an entirely different but equily crap-filled note, all you democrats out there with strange ideas on how to appropriately celebrate Barack Obama's coronation as presidential candidate, Denver is ready for you. According to the Washington Post, Denver is prepared for, uh, everything. To wit:

Hosting a convention necessitates preparing for the worst, Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper said, and his city has accomplished that with gusto. The possibility of protesters hurling buckets of feces? Denver proposed an ordinance to prevent it.

Good catch, Denver! Because as we know, passing laws against things prevents them from happening [puts fingers in ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!