Red Sox Nation: Scourge on the country
By Bob Ford, Inquirer Sports Columnist
Someone find M. Night Shyamalan and get him down to Citizens Bank Park tonight. There's a horror story to be told.
I see people. I see annoying people. I see annoying people wearing blue hats with a red B on the front.
And they're . . . they're . . . everywhere!
-thinks Ford: "Ha ha! hmmm hmmm...Hilarious stuff, Ford, hilarious! I wonder if my readers will know I'm taking about Red Sox fans though?"
Yes, it is the seemingly annual invasion of the denizens of Red Sox Nation.
"There! Now they will! Ha ha!" (Bob Ford laughs a lot in his head because Bob Ford thinks there is nothing funnier than Bob Ford.)
(Motto: In Us We Irritate.)
Bob Ford's Motto: Motto Writing Sense Make Don't That
It is a nation whose currency is based on being cloying, self-important, pompous, overly loud and, regrettably, ever-present, and the economy is great. Axis of Evil? You make your list of nations that belong and I'll make mine.
Red Sox fans are comparable to the Taliban. Ha ha! Hilarious! And so so true. Stamp it: Another great joke by Bob Ford!
Once, there was something appealing about the passion that Boston fans brought to the team that had broken their hearts on such a regular basis.
Now, because the Red Sox are a good team, I label that same passion as "cloying" and "irritating."
The Red Sox played their home games in a quirkily interesting, if decaying, ballpark. The team offered a counterbalance to the corporate machine of the New York Yankees. Boston fans who were flung to the far reaches of the country came out to support the Sox, and that was fine. That was then, this is now.
"We're at now now. Everything that is happening now is happening now"
"Go back to then!"
"I can't. We missed it."
"When?"
"Just now."
Catch 'em, tag 'em, put 'em on the Northeast Limited to Back Bay Station if they like it there so much.
Nothing Red Sox fans love more than.. Back Bay Station? This is easily one of the strangest sentences I've ever read.
The rest of us are tired of having them around. The Red Sox, thanks largely to their streak-breaking championship in 2004, became cuddly, cute, popular, and attractive to great scads of casual fans who wanted to glom onto the gravy train.
-There is no question the Sox are a very popular team now, but if you think they haven't been selling tickets until '04 you simply A) haven't been paying attention, and B) haven't bothered to look anything up. The Red Sox have had over 2 million in attendance every year since 1986 (with the exception of the 1994 strike shortened season). They've been over the league average in yearly attendance every year but one (1997) in that same time period, and that's with the smallest ballpark in the majors.
My point: I don't think this is a 3 or 4 year blip on the radar. And I think Bob Ford could have easily looked this up and come up with a different, more factually based baseless insult.
There's nothing cuddly or cute about a team with a $133 million payroll.
-The Red Sox aren't here to be cute and cuddly, you moron. They are trying to win baseball games. Maybe having lived in Philadelphia for so long, where the local team's goal is to be cute and cuddly, has warped your mind.
Headline: Philadelphia Inquirer: Phillies Win World Series, Fail To Be Cute And Cuddly
You can't be an underdog if you spend like the Kennedys.
-Again, not the goal here. That said, great reference, Bob Ford. Ha! The Kennedys! Love IT!
If the Red Sox - who struggled to draw one million fans under the penurious final seasons of Yawkey family ownership
[inaccurate; simply not true]
- were once a cold-water walk-up on Kenmore Square, they are now a gated compound on the Cape. Oh, I know. The fans sing songs together and have other adorable rituals, and tend to overlook small things like the fact that Manny Ramirez is one of the most selfish, self-indulgent players in the game. Ah, c'mahn. He's a Sawk.
-There it is. Saw that coming from a billion miles away. The easy go-to for any lazy sportswriter. Just start piling on Manny. "He's the most selfish, lazy, disrespectful, doesn't-care-about-playing-the-game-the-right-way, grit-less, closes-the-door-in-old-people's-faces-when-leaving-the-grocery-store, poops-in-the-sink, player in the game!" Please ignore the fact that many players (you know, the people who actually play baseball) say that Manny is a great teammate and one of the hardest working players in baseball. Fact has no place here! This is Bob Ford Country!
Well, self-indulgence loves company, so much so that somewhere around 15,000 fans nationwide have sent in their $15 to become official citizens in the nation, complete with membership cards and newsletters and probably a secret lyrics sheet.
-Um... funny?
Last year, the team held an election to select the president of Red Sox Nation. Nominations were received from just about every state in the union and several foreign countries, a total of 1,200 candidates in all. Unfortunately, Pennsylvania and New Jersey were not among the exceptions.
-This, friends, is news. Hard news. Or, as we in the industry call it, Bob Ford News. You see, Bob Ford has such a rep that the word "hard" in "hard news" has been replaced with his name, "Bob Ford." As in, "Hey! I just got a call from the President. Stop the presses! Stop the presses, people! This is some Bob Ford News!
From a year ago.
For those who missed it, the winner was Jerry Remy, a former player and now a color analyst for the New England Sports Network. The run-up to the election included a debate among the leading candidates that was shown on NESN and moderated by Tim Russert.
Remy, no doubt, ran on a platform that called for more annoying sing-alongs, louder shouts from the stands in Boston accents even more fake than those presently employed and, of course, better turnout on the road.
-Job Ad For Bob Ford's Position At The Philadelphia Inquirer:
Wanted: Sports Columnist. Must be able to write 3-4 columns a week of
about one thousand words in length. Must be topical, interesting, well
researched and supported by facts. Sense of humor a plus. Experience
in newspapers and sports necessary.
Job Ad That Bob Ford Saw For His Position At The Philadelphia Inquirer:
Wanted: Cheetos Eater/Sports Columnist. Must be able to eat Cheetos and Doritos simultaneously. Occasionally with dip or guacamole. Drinking soda may also be required. Also, occasionally, will have to write column about "sports." Does not need to be accurate, or supported by any data. Sense of humor not required.
That last pledge might be tough. The Red Sox led the major leagues in average road attendance last season (38,641) and, combined with daily sellouts at Fenway, played to an amazing 90.1 percent of seating capacity for the 162-game schedule.
This season, the Sox trail only the Yankees in road attendance, but if they keep winning and the Yanks keep losing, that will flop again.
According to ESPN, Bob Ford is not right. The World Wide Leader says the Mets are the leader in road attendance. The Red Sox are second and the Yankees are 22nd. Could Bob Ford have mixed up the Yankees with the Mets? Would such a grievous error become such a man as... [shudder]... Bob Ford, creator of Bob Ford News and the Bob Ford Stamp, all of which I just made up? Unpossible I say!
Earlier this year, Hank Steinbrenner, part-owner of the Yankees and son of legendary windbag George Steinbrenner, said he doesn't believe in Red Sox Nation.
"Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets," Steinbrenner said. "This is a Yankee country."
-There is no finer source of windbaggery than Hank Steinbrenner. No dispute here.
At the moment, judging by the national deficit and some unfortunate policy missteps, this actually seems to be a Kansas City Royals kind of country. But we'll leave that debate for another time and focus instead on this question for Mr. Steinbrenner: What in the world are you talking about?
There are Yankees hats out there, certainly. I see them in plaid and argyle and all black, and worn sideways with no bend to the brim. Those are prevalent, and I honestly don't know what they are, but they are not baseball hats.
Everywhere else are the blue hats with the red B on the front. Those are stained and weathered, and the brims are curved to keep out the sun.
-Stamp it: Another great joke by Bob Ford! (For some reason I find the idea of Bob Ford thinking this while pounding on his desk funny. I'm sure whomever shares the cube next to his is close to dropping their monitor on his head.)
The people who wear them have a big team that pretends to be little [how?], a team that won a championship in 2004 and then another last season. They are very happy with themselves.
-As they should be. Winning two World Series in four years is a very difficult thing to do. Know how many teams have done it? I'll Bob Ford a number: 6! Six teams have done it in the four hundred and seventy eight year history of baseball. I'd say that's good.
Starting tonight at Citizens Bank Park, they will be back and, regardless of the outcomes, it will be a long three-game series. Forget Shyamalan. Someone find William Peter Blatty. We need an exorcism.
-Stamp it: Another great column by Bob Ford! Now its Cheetos time!
5 comments:
"Our team never wins so let's bag on the big, bad winning team and their fans."
Waaaaa.
Thats Philly, man. A great city in habited by some great people and some great a-holes.
Bob Ford is the sportswriting equivalent of an inverted penis, but "Red Sox Nation" is indeed an enormous blight on sports fandom. Much worse things could be said -- and accurately, I might add, unlike some of the stuff in Ford's column -- about Red Sox, Inc.
If the Phillies do start winning, you'll never see anything from their fans as obnoxious as Red Sox fans' behavior circa 2005-2008. Never.
"If the Phillies do start winning, you'll never see anything from their fans as obnoxious as Red Sox fans' behavior circa 2005-2008. Never."
Sir, that is easily the most preposterous thing you have ever written.
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