"Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry," former pitcher Roger Clemens said in a statement issued through a spokesman today. "I have apologized to my family, the German people, everyone who owns beach front property in Florida, and to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. Like Bob, for instance. When he was a kid, he hit his grandpa in the nards with that frying pan. Sure, the old man had it coming for shitting in his cyclorama, but, you know, that's just not a mature way to handle things. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right. "
The apology was first reported by the Houston Chronicle. Brian McNamee, Clemens' former trainer, accused the pitcher in December's Mitchell Report of using performance-enhancing drugs in 1998, 2000 and 2001, before players and owners agreed to ban them from baseball.
Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner and 354-game winner, has repeatedly denied using steroids and human growth hormone, and claims to have only been an associate designer for GM at the time of the development of the Aztek.
"I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use," Clemens said. "which is why I haven't had sex with either steroids or HGH. Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. For one thing, she was 14-years old, which is just an example of how this relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false. Like murdering polar bears. Simply put, I've never murdered a polar bear. It just hasn't happened.
"I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do. Well, OK, I could, but that would be admitting things I did not do, which would be telling people that I did things that I did not do, and since I did not do those things I did not do I don't want people to think that I've done things I did not do. I have apologized to my family for my mistakes, and having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private." At which point all employees of the NY Post and the NY Daily News stood up in unison and said, "Yes, sir!"
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