Now to get to the conference that I actually watch, read about and give one of my shits aboot.
(1) Red Wings vs (8) Nashville:
Crunch any number you want - they all come out in Detroit's favor. Unlike past seasons when Detroit has charged in to the playoffs wielding the President's Trophy in one hand, the scoring leader in another hand, the Vezina winner in another hand, a Hall of Fame coach in another hand, Hockeytown T-shirts in another hand, Claude Lemieux's severed head in another hand, a stable of high-priced free agents in another hand and the future namesake of the the Defenseman of the Year Trophy (when the Norris is officially renamed the Lidstrom Trophy) in their eighth hand, this year's top-seeded Wings aren't playing a team that has either the firepower or the force field of a goalie that could upset them.
The Wings won't wrap all of their octopus tentacles around their own necks until round 2.
Wings in 4.
(2) San Jose vs (7) Calgary:
I hate Mike Keenan. No coach drives his team right in to the ditch with the efficiency of Keenan, as shown by the fact that he hasn't won a playoff series since 1996 and has actually been fired from 3 teams since. He guided the Flames to a playoff berth almost in spite of his efforts, and the rumours on infighting were heard all season. This is a talented team that carried itself through the year and will be a strong test for this year's sexy "Pick to Click", the Sharks.
I see the series going like this:
-The Flames have All-Stars at 3 essential positions for playoff success: goalie, bad ass blue-liner and big-game scoring forward - enough to keep them in a playoff series. They are too good to get mowed down by the Sharks, even if SJ is cruising on to the playoffs.
-The Flames steal game 1 behind an other-worldly performance by Kipper. (Yes, I thought this before last night's game - he does it every time they open a series on the road).
-After witnessing the Sharks come in to Dallas last weekend and try to "set the tone" (hockey talk for "running around hitting shit with your head cut off") - I think the Sharks can be their own worst enemy. They ended up taking some retarded penalties that allowed the Stars to win the game. I can see physical players like Phaneuf and Iginla taking a few runs at some Sharks, and the men in teal over-retaliating, allowing the Flames to stay in games on the power play.
-It goes deep in to the series and after a close Sharks win in game 6, drunken Calgarians attack the handful of Sharks fans in the Saddledome and end up mounting their heads on pikes along the Red Mile (see here if you don't believe this is possible).
-The Hockey Gods are angered not only by this behavior, but also by the ridiculousness of the entire team shaving Faux-Hawks in to their heads (not 'Fro-Hawks, as those infinitely white morons from CBC called them last night. Since Commodore left, the only Flame even close to being able to grow a 'Fro-Hawk would be Iggy). The deities take control of game 7 and the Sharks win it handily, thus dispatching of those pesky Flames.
Sharks in 7.
(3) Wild vs (6) Avalanche:
This series is like the play-in game in the NCAA tournament. It's like having to invite your little brother to the rink with all your friends. In the words of SNL's imitation Dick Vitale, when asked about women's basketball, "Who cares baby!"
Wild in 7. I guess.
(4) Ducks vs (5) Stars:
This is where I have to separate "common sense" from "wishful thinking." I want the Stars to win, and there was even a time this season where the Stars looked like they could actually advance in the playoffs. Then the bottom fell out in March, they draw the Stanley Cup champs in the first round, and now have to go on the road to win. The Ducks are 9-2 in playoff series in the last 3 years. The Stars? 0-3. With a bullet.
I love Turco and I'm confident he'll show up again this year like he did last year where he pitched THREE SHUTOUTS in a series and LOST THE SERIES! Impossible, unless you're the Stars. Brad Richards has sucked harder than Denise Richards on her honeymoon lately and there's a collective feeling among Stars fans that all of our scrotums are pinatas, just waiting to get bludgeoned.
The Stars will fight and fight and will be down 3-2 in the series, coming back to Dallas for game 6. They'll get it to OT, where all Stars fans will look at each other and think, "If we get this goal, the series is tied and we go to game 7 , where anything can...FUCK!" The Ducks just scored to send the Stars packing once again. But hey, it looks like good golfing weather out there.
Duck in 6.
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