Usually We Just Put Balls On Your Chin

...but I was feeling randy today, so heres a whole thing, I mean "goat," (it'll make sense later) on Rich Hoffmann's newest stupidest column in the Philly Daily News. Apologies to the great Fire Joe Morgan.

Flyers will find out about themselves in Game 7 tonight
By Rich Hofmann Philadelphia Daily News
Daily News Sports Columnist

"We'll find out what we're made of tomorrow."
- Flyers coach John Stevens

SELF-KNOWLEDGE is gained only in a crucible, as we all well know. Only in a crisis, only through a test, do we find out - really find out. It is true in life. It is true in sports. It is the Flyers' fate now, that they will learn.

I love it when sportswriters start out a column with a little life lesson. Now not only do I get my morning dose of sports-related non-fact-based opinion, but I learn a little something about life in the process. Yay me. However, if it really is true that we don't find out about ourselves except in a crisis, then fifteen of the sixteen teams who made the NHL playoffs are losers. LeHoo Suh Errs. And not just NHL losers, but losers in the game of life.

Also, aren't there many other times in life when the decisions we make and the way we act are important? Our house doesn't have to be on fire, or a coup made on the President for us to find out - REALLY find out - about ourselves, right?

Boss: Johnson, I have to say, I'm really happy with this report.

Johnson: Thank you, sir.

Boss: However, I feel as if I didn't really learn anything about you.

Johnson: Sir?

Boss: You spent too much time and were too organized, Johnson. That right, too much time and too organized. I want you to go back and re-write this report.

Johnson: But, sir, this report took me 8 months to do.

Boss: It sure did, Johnson, it sure did. I'll give you twenty minutes.

Johnson: Twenty minutes?!

Boss: And I'm going to set your office on fire.

They have now blown a two-game lead in their first-round playoff series with the Washington Capitals. They have now lost games after blowing two-goal leads twice in the series, including in last night's 4-2 defeat at the Wachovia Center.

No credit for the Caps here. It was the Flyers who gained the lead. It was the Flyers who lost it. No, wait. BLEW it. Sorry.

The three-games-to-one advantage in the series is gone. Game 7 is tonight in Washington.

I breath oxygen. Mice eat cheese. Traffic is bad. I'm running out of things to say and its only the third paragraph.

The Flyers have played a dozen Game 7s in their history, winning six and losing six. It is a nice stat, both interesting and meaningless -

Other meaningless stats Hoffman could have included here:
-Netflix represents 0.3% of the US Postal Services revenue.
-3,474 condos were sold in Manhattan during the first quarter of this fiscal year.
-4 out of 5 dentists recommend trident for their patients that chew gum.

because these Flyers, this particular group, have never been in a Game 7 before, have never passed or failed a test, not really.

Well, they kinda did that one time, but, well, not, well, kinda, sorta, but not really.

They arrived here with neither past nor prologue.

The seas were choppy, but Captain Ahab steered the boat clear.

Assembled through past drafts and dynamic free-agency moves, they have come together to ride a roller coaster. Streaky does not begin to describe their season, where they alternately looked unbeatable for 2 weeks and then unwatchable for the next 2 weeks. But they played well at the end, and they prepared for their first playoff run together, and they dominated the Caps for the great majority of the first four games.

I'd like to pause and note this truly great analysis. "They played well..." You are a Hockey analysis God, Mr. Hoffmann.

And now they hang on by bloody fingernails.

Eww...

"It's an opportunity that we've let slip away here," Stevens said, both matter-of-factly and bluntly.

As opposed to matter-of-factly and circumlocutorily?

"But there's nothing more we can do right now than get rest."

The train ride to Washington, set for last night, was likely quiet. One can imagine whispered conversations, or maybe eyes closed and seats leaned back and thoughts kept to themselves. They have to know how badly they have muffed this opportunity and how weak and inexperienced they have made themselves look.

Huh huh... he wrote "muff."

Given away? Taken away? "Probably a little bit of both," Stevens said. Matter of fact. Blunt. Hopes? Fears?

All of a sudden Hoffmann remembered that he was being paid by the sentence.

"I have yet to see us not get off the mat, and that's what I expect us to do [tonight]," Stevens said. Matter of fact. Blunt.

All of a sudden Hoffmann remembered that he was being paid by the sentence.

That they now have to go on the road, and that Alexander Ovechkin - with his two goals last night - has finally played like himself just makes it worse.

Previously Ovechkin had played like Squirrelly Moe from office services.

That they had a two-goal lead and then saw the game taken away from them, again, is beyond explanation. (Or maybe it isn't. Maybe they just don't know how to win.)

"Yet somehow this team that doesn't know how to win became the first team to ever go 0-81-1 and make the NHL Playoffs. Their meddle was forged in the crucible of a mid-November overtime loss to Tampa Bay. Said Stevens, "After we lost that overtime game in Tampa I knew that even if we lost the next 72 contests, we'd be OK."

You can point to a dozen things that happened last night - a shot that squirted out of the glove of Flyers goaltender Martin Biron, leading to the Caps' second goal; a post that Braydon Coburn hit at the beginning of the third period; a too-many-men-on-the-ice penalty that led to the last goal;

That's only three. There must be nine more that the editor cut.

on and on. You can point and ponder the goats at your leisure.

I thought these were "things" but now you're telling me they are "goats?" Goats are much funnier, but a little consistency would be nice Mr. Hoffmann. If you're going to talk about goats, I'd prefer an entire paragraph full of goaty goodness.

It might make you feel better,

Goats always make me feel better. Please continue.

but the search for the reasons will still continue. Watching last night, watching the Caps begin to take away the game in the middle of the second period, watching them do it despite being down 2-0 and in a hostile environment, the temptation is to recall the old Gene Hart line when he wanted to signal just such a shift during a telecast: "The Flyers have stopped skating . . . "

Ha ha! That Gene Hart must have been a real cut up!

And then it's 2-2. The Flyers did fight from there. Before Ovechkin split the defense and scored on a breakaway to give the Caps the lead, the Flyers were all over them. "We were in their zone for about 45 seconds, buzzing, getting all kinds of chances," said Danny Briere, who scored his sixth goal of the series last night. But they didn't score, and then Ovechkin suddenly became Ovechkin, and that was that.

Someone tell Danny Briere that his job isn't to "buzz" but to score goats! Ha! Sorry, just channeling my inner-Gene Hart for a second.

All the Flyers were left to do was ponder their predicament. "We've got a new day tomorrow - we haven't lost yet," said defenseman Kimmo Timonen, who has been so good this series but whose turnover led to the Ovechkin breakaway.

We haven't lost yet . . .

This Flyers team played well in a crisis at the end of the season. It played well after giving away the first game of this series to the Caps. Maybe it needs turmoil like the rest of us need oxygen.

Hmm.. Interesting theory. Lets test that in the lab. I'll just grab a beeker full of turmoil and mix it with some Flyer sweat... and lets see here... Ah ha! The results arein: Terrible theory. Very stupid. Please never try science again.

Maybe that will become this group's identity.
Soon, we will know. Very soon.

Very. Ve. V. v...