PIG POOP, FORMER CAPS HEAD COACHES, AND KEVIN COSTNER

There is no finer sporting event in the world than the Stanley Cup playoffs. The combination of skill, intensity, and determination is unmatched throughout the world, with the obvious exception of the Great Northern Ugandan Pig Poop Eat.

For my money, what little of it there is, there is no better round of the Stanley Cup playoffs than the first round when there are multiple games on a seeming nightly basis. Every single night of the week there are multiple teams who are willing to do just about anything within the rules (and some things outside the rules *coughflyerscough*) to win a single game. The intensity is indeed stirring. The playoffs and the first round in particular bring out all that is great about the game of ice hockey.

All that went down the proverbial toilet when, through what must have been some sort of hideous clerical error, the Ottawa Senators made the playoffs. In all my years on this planet no team has failed so badly when opening a playoff game. Within a minute and a half the Penguins were up 1-0 when, with their checking line on the ice, Gary Roberts took control of the puck directly in front of the net, faked one direction and, realizing that no Senators were in his zip code, spun the other producing a backhanded and invisible shot which went under the Senator's goalie at speeds approaching 6mph (thats 7.3mph Canadian).

Invisibility is one of the two plausible explanations I can come up with for a puck traveling as slowly as Roberts' shot did to evade the opposing goaltender. The other involves a goat, twelve pounds of ground chuck, and Keely Hazel, but we won't be discussing that here. This is a family blog.

Have you ever been on the treadmill in a gym just going about your business when some maniac just starts screaming for no reason? That was me last night.

Me: How in the HELL does he let that goal in? No! Wait! How in the HELL do they let him touch the puck right in front of the goalie with nobody anywhere near him? No! Wait! How in the HELL...
Gym Attendant: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to keep it down.

I propose what will come to be known as hockey's version of the Cub Rule (the team with the least number of players who played for the Chicago Cubs wins, which explains why the Cubs themselves haven't won diddly poo since the Taft administration): No Team Currently Employing A Head Coach Who Used To Hold The Same Position With The Washington Capitals Can Be Seriously Considered A Cup Contender. Or NTCEAHCWUTHTSPWTWCCBSCACC for short.

This eliminates the Senators (and the Sharks, oddly enough) right off the bat. An article in should appear explaining, as follows:

Canadian Press - Both the Calgary Flames and the Pittsburgh Penguins will spend the first round of the playoffs with their thumbs firmly planted up their bums. Due to the new NHL regulation, known widely as NTCEAHCWUTHTSPWTWCCBSCACC, which purports to spare fans and the league from the certain embarrassment and complete waste of time which will surely ensue from any team led by a former Washington Capitals head coach, the San Jose Sharks and Ottawa Senators were both automatically eliminated from the playoffs.

"Its a stroke of luck for us," said Penguins Captain Sidney Crosby. Said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "From our perspective, it will spare both the teams and the league the embarrassment of watching grown men crying like the little bitches they are."

Under NTCEAHCWUTHTSPWTWCCBSCACC regulations, both the Penguins and the Flames will spend the first round watching Tin Cup, starring Kevin Costner, on continuous loop.