Eastern Conference Predictions. Wait. What the Fuck's an "Eastern Conference?"

Look, I'm a basketball wanker. I watch a billion basketball games a year, but because I grew up in Calgary, where I haven't lived in 100 years, some measure of hockey seepage stagnated in my brain and every now and then I can name a third-line centre from the North Stars of the mid-80's. I know just enough to snow the Texans that surround me. So, based on that expertise, here are my first round predictions for the 2008 "Journey to the Cup" (the NHL's playoff slogan this year). Don't stop believin', eh. What Steve Perry was to Journey, I will be to this band of playoff prognosticators. (How Buccigross was that?)


EASTERN CONFERENCE:

(1) Montreal vs (8) Boston:

This one seems to be the biggest no-brainer of the entire playoffs. Montreal mauled Boston in the season series (7-0-1) and outscored them in those games 39-16. Montreal is rolling in to the playoffs, winning 8 of their last 10. Ya, Koivu is still out, but Komisarek is coming back and rookie phenom Carey Price is playing out of his mind. Plus any team with a goalie named after a noted NBA dog (Tim Thomas) isn't worth a Timbit in my book. The city of Boston has the damn Red Sox, Pats and Celtics this year - they gotta have one team suck.

Montreal wipes out the Bruins in 4.


(2) Pittsburgh vs (7) Ottawa:

Oh wait a minute. This series is the biggest gimme of the lot. Ottawa is showing themselves to be gutless frauds once again during their collosal free fall in the second half of the season - hell they needed a fluky Panthers win to even secure a playoff spot. Alfredsson is out. Mike Fisher is out. Sidney Crosby and Gary Roberts are back. Ottawa Sun columnist, in typical frustrated former shinny player style, suggested the Sens should actually "target" Crosby, Malkin, Hossa, Sykora and Gonchar. Nice move dumbass. You wouldn't want to, you know, get the team that's already way better than your team fired up or anything.

Some other notes:
-If your starting goalie wears a mask that looks like a road hockey mask from Canadian Tire, and his name is not Patrick Roy from 1986, your team is in serious trouble.
-If your team has Sidney Crosby on it, and you are playing a small market Canadian team, the Bettman Rules may come in to play.
-If your goalie is named after baby food, you are ZWIEBACK TOOOAST!

Bottom line: Pens in 3.


(3) Washington vs (6) Flyers:

Ovechkin Mania! Ovie in your kitchen! Hey, since Derian Hatcher is coming back at less than 100% anyway, why not sacrifice the lummox to a lengthy suspension for taking the league's leading scorer out? (Sorry Bill, that was way too easy).

The goalie matchup looks fairly even, with the scorching Cristobal Huet in nets for the Caps facing the hot-down-the-stretch Marty Biron - their stats are almost mirror images of each other for the season. Personally, ever since Hextall lost his mind in the Cup Finals against the Oil, I think the Flyers are cursed at the goalie position, and I think some shakiness by Biron in the series will make the difference. That's just a hunch.

Also, an iffy Briere vs Ovechkin, Semin, Federov, etc, and the rumor that Bennett Salvatore will be officiating one of the later games in the series, means Caps take the series in 7.


(4) Devils vs (5) Rangers:

There is one main issue for the Devils in this series: getting the puck past Henrik Lundqvist, who went 7-0-1 against the Devil this year, giving up a sliver over 1 goal a game. Crazy ridiculous. No Langenbrunner can save you from this predicament. King Richard Brodeur said of Lundqvist, "I don’t think he’s in our kitchen, even though we didn’t score many goals." (YAY! Another "kitchen" reference! I'm keeping track of those!) One problem though - Brodeur doesn't get to shoot on his opposing netmeinder, so his mental state as a goal scorer doesn't count.

The Rangers owe the Devils an ass-whooping from their series a couple years ago. Jagr, Gomez, Drury, Shanahan, and company will do just that as we start to see the Brodeur Era in New Jersey come to an end. And Michal Rozsival has my favorite name in the game.

Rangers win the series in 5.