2008 All-Doo-Doo Team: I Use "Sh*t" In Every Entry!

Theres been some big flops by some big names so far this baseball season. We're only about 15% through the season, so theres still time to turn things around. Likely most of the below players will find their sea legs at some point this season, but so far these teams have been getting bupkiss from these guys.

Some quick background: To make this team you have to have the unique combination of a good track record, AND a terrible performance. Anyone who sucks as bad as the players below but has never been good before would've been benched long ago. But, these guys have been good before or are seen as very talented, so their teams are just waiting for them to turn it around, but instead, they're just digging themselves deeper and deeper.

The stats cited in the parentheses are (batting average/on-base percentage/slugging percentage). VORP is Value Over Replacement Player, which basically means how many runs better is a player than someone at the same position who could be plucked freely from AAA ball. VORP is a counting stat, not an average, so the more you play the more it adds up. And, yes, having a negative VORP means that player has been worse than a AAA player.

So, with that, I present to you the 2008 All Doo Doo Team!

1B: Carlos Delgado, Mets (.186/.276/.256; -5.6 VORP)
- Adam LaRoche of Pittsburgh has a worse VORP, but not by much. And he plays for the Pirates, who everyone knows will stink. But, holy shit, Delgado is supposed to be one of the main weapons in the Mets lineup. Uh oh...

2B: Robinson Cano, NYY (.152/.212/.217; -8.3 VORP)
- Placido Polanco and Asdrubal Cabrera are both shitting the bed too, but Cano is almost singlehandedly sinking the Yankees offense. He has the worst VORP of any player in baseball at any position. Thats not good if you're a Yankee fan. If you hate the Yankees, then its fiesta time!!

SS: Troy Tulowitzki, Col (.165/.236/.258; -6.9 VORP)
- Anytime you're talking the worst hitting shortstop in baseball you have to immediately think Tony Pena, Jr. of KC. So, if you guessed he'd be here, you'd be almost right. Pena has been equally terrible, but that was expected. Nobody expected Tulowitzki to be this shitty. And yet, here he is, exceeding our expectations by a wide margin.

3B: Ryan Zimmerman, Was (.231/.265/.337; -4.0 VORP)
- Zimmerman hasn't been quite as terrible as the rest of these guys, but he has essentially wasted about 12% of his team's plate appearances with that dogshit line. As this guy is the only good player on the Nationals, you'd like to see him turn it around a bit. Mike Lowell has been pretty awful too, but he managed to get hurt before he could do as much damage as Zimmerman. Good job, Mikey!

C: Kenji Johjima, Sea (.194/.270/.239;-5.2 VORP)
- For a Mariners team that had hopes (however faint) of actually competing this season, watching their star catcher put up a line that could be replicated by the unemployed Doug Mirabelli, mustn't be a happy thing. Add to that the 3 year, $24M extension that Johjima just signed in the off season even though the Mariners have Jeff Clement, one of the best catching prospects in baseball languishing in the minors and you get this: Bill Bavasi=Shitty GM (didn't think I'd get there, huh?)

DH: David Ortiz, Bos (.177/.288/.323; -2.2 VORP)
- Jose Vidro has been shittier (.195/.253/.299; -3.2 VORP), but who didn't see that coming? Big Papi, on the other hand, has been touched by the gods since arriving in Boston in 2003. He has only slugged under .600 his first year in Boston, when he slugged .592 (with 31 homers). And now he can't, well, he can't do shit. Yesterday he took an 0-6. Thats throw-up-in-mymouth worthy right there.

LF: Alfonso Soriano, CHC (.175/.230/.298; -4.0 VORP)
- Soriano hasn't been the worst left fielder in terms of VORP, that would be Jason Michaels of Cleveland (-6.2). However, Michaels has (wisely) been platooned in LF while the only reason Soriano hasn't played all his teams games is because he had the good sense to get hurt. Runner up in this category would likely be either the dessicated corpse of Garret Anderson (-2.2) who the Angels are apparently contractually obligated to play until he can no longer stand, or the perennially "talented" Delmon Young (-3.8), who is doing everything in his power to make the Rays look like geniuses for getting rid of him.

CF: Andruw Jones, LAD (.167/.278/.269; -4.3 VORP)
- This here is the Captain of the team. He's clearly made of reverse-Ecksteinium. After years of All-Star level performance in Atlanta, Jones was simply awful last season. Still, many VORPies thought that Jones had simply been extra-super unlucky, and his signing by the Dodgers was widely hailed as a good deal for the team. Well, either his extra-shitty luck has continued, or Jones really has just fallen off a cliff. With each passing day its looking more and more like the latter.

RF: Jose Guillen, KC (.185/.211/.337; -7.2 VORP)
- After last year's success with Gil Meche, the Royals went back out on the free agent market and spent big (for them) again. This time they brought in Guillen, whom they hoped would add power to the center of their lineup. So far, Guillen has added only poop to the center of their lineup. Guillen's impressive shittiness has made him one of the worst starting players in all of baseball. But on the plus side, they've only got about 2.9 of the 3 years and 36M remaining on Guillen's contract. Um, oops?