Another Year, Another Moronic Waste Of Your Time

Ah, booo-urns, bub.

Each year the NFL releases their schedule and each year complete idiots stop paying attention to baseball and go through their favorite team’s schedule to assign wins and losses to each game. It’s as stupid a waste of time as I can come up with. So, lets run through next year’s Redskins schedule and assign wins and losses to each game! Yay!

Week 1: New York Giants
Pick: Giants (0-1)
Game Notes: Eli Manning throws eight potential interceptions, all of which are dropped by various Redskins defenders. After each drop the players hold the first two fingers on each hand aloft in tribute to #22, former teammate Carlos “butterfingers” Rogers. ... At the end of the half Manning throws a Hail Mary for a touchdown. The TV announcers spend halftime verbally fellating him. … After throwing fifteen consecutive incompletions, the game is halted and John Beck is given a plaque to commemorate his atrocious performance. During impromptu ceremony speech, Beck refers to himself as, “The luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Week 2: Arizona Cardinals
Pick: Cardinals (0-2)
Game Notes: Beck is yanked from the game after failing to complete any of ten passes. Rex Grossman comes in and completes his first pass, an interception returned for a touchdown. Grossman is given a standing ovation. … Kevin "If The Over/Under On When Chris Berman Uses The Nickname "Corn On The" Is Two Weeks Or More, Take The Under" Kolb plays fine. …Somewhere in San Francisco Carlos Rodgers drops his first interception of the season. I set my watch.

Week 3: @ Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Cowboys (0-3)
Game Notes: Tony Romo throws five touchdown passes, four directly over the head of DeAngelo Hall who, on the fourth one, seems to waive. In post-game interview, Hall predicts Redskins will win Super Bowl. … Redskins running backs gain 155 yards horizontally.

Week 4: @ St. Louis Rams
Pick: Rams (0-4)
Game Notes: Redskins run their losing streak to four, as the Rams drive down the field to score the winning touchdown as the fourth quarter expires. During the final drive, Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo is, in order, held, held, tackled, tied up, held, mauled by a bear, duct taped, held, buried alive, held, tarred and feathered, drawn and quartered, and held. No penalties are called.

Week 5: Bye Week

Week 6: Philadelphia Eagles
Pick: Eagles (0-5)
Game Notes: Michael Vick is indicted in a Cat Fighting Ring. However, since Vick was never actually able to get the cats to wake up long enough to fight the charges are dropped. … Down 31-0 in the second quarter, the Redskins go three and out. They leave the field to a chorus of boos. Shanahan assures Dan Snyder fans are actually saying, "BoooYayRedskins!" … Up 48-3 in the third quarter, Andy Reid enjoys a sixth ham sandwich because you don't mess with a good thing.

Week 7: @ Carolina Panthers
Pick: Redskins (1-5)
Game Notes: Redskins running backs gain 18 yards on 17 carries. After the game Mike Shanahan praises them for “establishing the run.” … Redskins score only touchdown of the game when, after a blocked field goal attempt, the following three unlikely events occur: 1) the ball becomes lodged in kicker Graham Gano’s face mask; 2) while running in circles screaming obscenities and punching self in the face in vain attempt to dislodge the ball, Gano, who is deathly allergic to bees, sees a yellow jacket; 3) the creature chases a screaming, urinating Graham into the endzone at a speed which would get him drafted in the first round. After the game the Redskins attempt to give him a contract extension. He retires instead.

Week 8: @ Buffalo Bills
Pick: Redskins (2-5)
Game Notes: By obscure NFL by-law, twelve paying fans are required to attend the game or it must be cancelled. Surprisingly, a Bills/Redskins football game in Toronto, Canada draws only eleven. Fortunately Bills fan Luke Grant brought his dog, Turdy, who is allowed into the stadium so game can continue. This violates Canadian health code and game is shut down anyway. Fans of competent sports everywhere rejoice. Turdy lives up to his name on the bleachers.

Week 9: San Francisco 49ers
Pick: Redskins (3-5)
Game Notes: Carlos Rogers returns a John Beck pass for a touchdown, visibly taunting the Redskins as he goes by. This would have been humiliating for Washington had Rogers not actually dropped the interception and run down the field cradling nothing … Of John Beck’s fifteen passes, eight glace off some part of Carlos Rogers. Two are caught for touchdowns. Ah, memories.

Week 10: @ Miami Dolphins
Pick: Dolphins (3-6)
Game Notes: Rex Grossman is injured when all five of his offensive linemen are knocked on top of him simultaneously. As John Beck can’t be found, wide receiver Malcolm Kelly comes on as the emergency quarterback. This marks Kelly’s first appearance on the field this season. Many Redskins fans join me in a good cry. It is later learned Beck was in the laundry room with the lights off “studying the playbook.”

Week 11: Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Cowboys (3-7)
Game Notes: Dan Snyder sues the Cowboys for slandering his franchise. The slander: printing Redskins 3-7 record in media guide. … With the Cowboys win over their bitterest rival secure, Jerry Jones instructs his man-servants to help him prepare to smile.

Week 12: @ Seattle Seahawks
Pick: Seahawks (3-8)
Game Notes: Somewhere a child is happy, somewhere there is prosperity, somewhere Carlos Rogers just dropped a pick-six. Fortunately that isn’t the Redskins problem anymore. So, you know, cross one off a list the size of War and Peace.

Week 13: New York Jets
Pick: Jets (3-9)
Game Notes: The Redskins bring Clinton Portis out of retirement. Portis carries ten times for negative eleven yards wearing a tutu and Groucho glasses. Crowd shows approval by leaving more slowly than usual. … To fire his team up for game, Rex Ryan eats a human baby. Jets score four touchdowns in first quarter and cruise to victory. For post-game press conference Ryan walks to podium, burbs loudly, and leaves.

Week 14: New England Patriots
Pick: Patriots (3-10)
Game Notes: Patriots show up in DC with a split-squad … Albert Haynesworth sacks John Beck ten times. The final five consist of Beck screaming, throwing the ball up into the air and running in the opposite direction. … Tom Brady goes 18-19 for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns. He’s replaced by Tom Brady’s cleft chin, which throws for another 208 yards and 3 touchdowns.

Week 15: @ New York Giants
Pick: Giants (3-11)
Game Notes: Every pass Eli Manning makes bounces off a Redskins defender. Manning throws for 420 yards and six touchdowns

Week 16: Minnesota Vikings
Pick: Vikings (3-12)
Game Notes: Controversy swirls around Donovan McNabb when he does nothing wrong and speaks graciously.

Week 17: @ Philadelphia Eagles
Pick: Eagles (3-13)
Game Notes: Having already clinched home field advantage the Eagles sit entire roster including the coaching staff. After a tough four quarters the Redskins fall to an all star team of mascots, house cats and pancake house employees.

Here's a Surprise: They Look Terrible

No, not the 2011-2012 Flyers. The new Nashville Predators jerseys.

Is a transition from "Stadium Mustard" to "Yellow Mustard" an upgrade? I say yes, but only by, like, 2%.

However, with the Atlanta Thrashers no longer in existence, the Predators took up the mantle of uniform asymmetry and plunked a teeny "Nashville" along the left collarbone.*

*Unless the photo above is mirror-imaged, which sometimes happens. Then it's the right collarbone.

Maybe the blinding home uniforms will distract the fans from the fact that the teat was unable to re-sign playoff hero Joel Ward. (Insert joke here about white people looking terrible in the team's former mustard-brown color whereas black people usually look good in that color.) The Flyers cleared out about $11 million in cap space today: $5.6M of it went to Ilya Bryzgalov, about $4M of it is going to Ville Leino, and I'm predicting the rest of it is going to Ward. And hoping $0.00 of it is going to Dan Carcillo.

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You May Remember Me from the Looting of the Coach Store

Based on this photo from the Globe & Mail, the police can be fairly assured they'll find this shirtless scofflaw on the security footage from the Coach store that was looted last night.

(See, that's a Coach bag. OK, this is a post for girls. Or rich people.)

MLS has (had?) the San Jose Earthquakes and the Chicago Fire; time to change the Vancouver team's name to the Riots.

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Dopes, Cops with No Guns, and Fucking in the Streets

Rumors of fatalities related to last night's looting of downtown Vancouver have proven to be false. There is one man in critical condition after a fall -- or jump -- off the Georgia Street aqueduct, and several people with stab wounds, but no fatalities.

However, shortly after this photo was taken, this man contracted chlamydia.

Note: The above photo has passed various forms of PhotoShop vetting; it's real and was actually taken last night. HOW-EVAH, get ready for the hacks!

Can't wait for the one of Scott Cousins barreling down the third base line toward them.

Fun T!!! facts: The image on our masthead at the top of the page is actually from a hockey riot, though I don't remember offhand which one.

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Jack Edwards just watched that video

Fuck you, Jack Edwards. I know you're gonna be at the parade in colonial garb, wearing a powdered wig, swilling Sam Adams from a metal stein.

But fuck Vancouver more. Whatever's left of it.

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Blowin' Yo' Nutz Off!

Well, I guess exploding a Canucks' fans gonads is, by definition, impossible as hockey fans around the world know that Vancouverites don't have any balls. But this is still damn funny.

And if the fans are eunuchs, then what are he Vancouver cops? That riot last night in Vanocuver after the Canucks 4-0 beatdown against Boston in game 7 - you know, cuz the Canucks turtled worse than a dude jumping in to an ice bath - went on for more than THREE FREAKING HOURS with almost ZERO police presence. At one point, the Solicitor General said that police and fire department could not mount a counter attack against the rioters as it was "too dangerous."

When politely pleading with the vagrants failed to make anyone disperse, they brought out the heavy artillery - HORSES! Like in the Revolutionary War days!

After things had finally broken up to manageable levels, the police department announced that there would be an "increased police presence" that night in the downtown area. Just in case a riot broke out or something.

Partyin' Like a Mav!

“Turn that up! Turn that tune up RIGHT NOW!!”

The timing could not have been more perfect. Several members of the newly crowned NBA World Champion Dallas Mavericks – can you believe we get to say that now? - were just about to do their first victory shot last Monday night at their informal gathering at a local bar when one of their staff members detected the opening lines and piano chords to Queen's “We Are the Champions” and hollered at the bartender to crank the volume.

As the chorus hit, all of the players and staff sang loudly and hoisted their shots in the air, surrounding the face of the franchise, Dirk Nowitzki, whose glass reached highest of all. The whole image was strikingly similar to the team on the podium the night before in Miami, having just dispatched of the hated Heat on their home court, when Dirk was flanked by teammates and raised the Larry O'Brien Trophy triumphantly to the rafters.

Early in the afternoon last Monday, I received a call from a bartender I know at The Loon who gave me a heads-up that it was looking like the Mavs were assembling there for a low-key celebration that night. It made perfect sense to celebrate this way; their owner wears jeans and t-shirts to games and their star player is as laid back and unassuming as any I've ever witnessed. There was no way in hell that flashing lights and fog machines would be employed for this veteran bunch, and I assumed that I may get to see a few players have a drink or two then split.

Nope. Not even close. There were only around 20 people in the bar when I arrived, most of whom probably had no idea what was about to happen. Suddenly, Jason Kidd, in shorts, t-shirt and a San Diego Padres cap, quietly slid in and sat down. Mark Cuban followed minutes later and you could see all of the “civilians” in the bar firing text messages to friends. When Dirk and Brian Cardinal sprang through the door, the place erupted and it was clear that the lucky few of us who were there were gonna see something cool.

And seconds later, it happened. One of the employees of the bar was sent to “get something out of my trunk” by Cubes, and he returned with the O'Brien Trophy. Again the place went nuts, and after one of the bartenders got his picture with it, a patron next to me asked if he could do the same. “You break it, you buy it,” replied Cuban, and before we knew it, the trophy was being passed around the bar like a Stanley Cup celebration. Talk about a team and an owner that “gets it.” They connect with their fans and wave all pretension, and that night they gave a bunch of us memories that will even further bolster our recollection of their championship run.

But we weren't done.

Several more rounds of shots were thrown down by the team and staff, and cigars started appearing. Then the French duo of Ian Mahinmi and Roddy Beaubois filtered in. And finally, J.J. Barea and a nearly unrecognizable Jason Terry, due to his hat being pulled low and wearing shades, made their appearance. The party was officially ON.

On the multiple screens around the bar, ESPN was running a Finals wrap-up and when they showed LeBron on-screen, the entire place was filled with boos. Barely 24 hours earlier, these guys were battling LeBron and the Heat, and now they were playfully joining in with Mavs fans in taunting The King.

What happened next was the most remarkable part of the evening. NBA TV was rebroadcasting the entirety of game 6, and immediately the music volume in the bar went down and the TV volume went up. Incredibly, we were about to watch the Mavs watch themselves win a title. The fans in the bar cheered every Mavs basket as if we were watching it for the first time. Mavs players hollered back and forth at each other, taunting each other when they made bad plays and slapping fives on good ones. Barea started yelling at Dirk, “Dirk! Dirk! Check the screen!” Seconds later, the TV Barea nailed a three-pointer.

The players and Mavs staff chanted “Car-Di-Nal! Car-Di-Nal!” when Cardinal drew a charge on Dwyane Wade. They erupted with “Ma-Hin-Mi! Ma-Hin-Mi!” when Ian Mahinmi drained his buzzer-beating jumper to end the third quarter and put the Mavs up by nine.

It was as surreal an experience as I could ever imagine. We had just endured the two-month ride to the title, watching every second on TV, and now we were getting to revel in the elation of a championship with most of the team. The non-Mavs patrons at the bar were incredibly respectful of the players and left them alone to celebrate, and in turn, the players and Mavs staff allowed us to share in their joy.

This is a first-class Champion, from top to bottom. An owner who handled himself with class and wanted to share the team's success with others, whether it be asking NBA Commissioner David Stern to present the championship trophy to original owner Donald Carter, or allowing a bar employee to bring the trophy in to the Loon. He eschewed the spotlight beautifully. And what more can be said about the class and attitude of the players and their coach? A wonderful collection of veterans - all with a back story of their own - that threw ego out the window and sacrificed for each other to reach their collective goal. They are the definition of a team.

It is a group that all Mavs fans, and basketball fans in general, can hold in high regard. And seeing how they handle themselves when the curtain was pulled back last Monday night only made me that much more proud and elated for them.