Wham! Anothah Homah!! (...off Brad Lidge)

Wham! Wham! Wham!! Wh...

Well, the Fightin' Phils managed a win tonight, but only because the Pittsburgh Pirates bear no resemblance whatsoever to the Gas-House Gorillas. (Yoo-hoo! Mista Piiii-rate!)

Brad Lidge gave up a solo homer to Brandon Moss in the ninth inning, nudging his ERA over 7. He has completely lost the ability to keep anything in the ballpark. But rather than cry woe-is-me about the warts and blemishes of the World Fucking Champions, I'll just admit the intro to this POOOAST!!! is little more than a flimsy excuse to reference Baseball Bugs, and move on.

Matty the K POOOAST!!!ed recently about a potential blockbuster trade to send Roy Halladay to the Phillies, and indeed there's both smoke and fire there, as the Philadelphia Daily News reported yesterday that the Phillies inquired about acquiring Halladay from Toronto before J.P. Ricciardi announced he'd be listening to offers.

Any Halladay blockbuster would likely involve righty pitching prospect Kyle Drabek, who recently earned a promotion to AA Reading and may be emerging as the organization's best pitching prospect as he further recovers from Frank Jobe surgery.* Which brings me to a drunken conversation I had recently about father/son Major Leaguers.

*Frank Jobe invented that bitch. Muthafuckaz be thinkin' Tommy John is a surgeon.

Of course, there are many examples: the Griffeys, the Boones, three generations of Bells; the Alomars, the Fielders, the Gwynns, and three generations of Hairstons. (Sam Hairston was a Negro Leaguer who played a few Major League games at the end of his career.)

But we couldn't think of any pitchers. The late Joe Niekro's son made it to the majors, but he was a first baseman. The first combo I could come up with was Doug and Kyle Drabek, and of course they don't count because Kyle isn't a major leaguer.

Alas, there have been many father/son Major League pitching duos, but very few involve two generations of players I've actually heard of. But there's one I'm kind of embarrassed I couldn't remember, mostly because the son has been semi-immortalized by America's Greatest Living Baseball Writer,* Joe Posnanski: of course I'm speaking of Floyd and Brian Bannister.

*As a gesture of thanks for coining the term Jeterate, I'm Jeterating Joe.

Another fairly obvious one: Mel Stottlemyre Sr. and sons Mel Jr. and Todd. Mel Sr. started three games in the 1964 World Series against Bob Gibson (1 W, 1 L, 1 ND), but the rest of his career overlapped the only era of prolonged futility in Yankees history.

Another of (foot)note: Mike Bacsik and Mike Bacsik,* the latter of which** may or may not have given up Sir Barrold Bonds' record-breaking 756th home run (hey, we'll see what ends up in the record books) and now works for Dallas sports-talk station 1310 AM.

*Not a Sr./Jr. situation as they have different middle names.

**Going back to edit this POOOAST!!!, I can't help but wonder why in the hell I made a distinction here. The latter? Really? Mike Bacsik; not the other Mike Bacsik?

Others
Jim Bagby Sr. and Jr.; Dave and Erik Bennett (Two cup of coffee guys; Dave's was unfortunately with the 1964 Phillies, and his rookie card states, "The 19-year-old righthanded curveballer is just 18 years old!" Dave's brother Dennis also played for the Phillies.); Pedro Borbon Sr. and Jr.; Joe Coleman (not Sr.) and Joe Coleman, Jr. (That's how Wiki lists them. How is that possible? If you're named after your grandfather, you're a "II", not a "Jr."... right?); Mardie and Nate Cornejo; Dick and Steve Ellsworth; Steve and Jason Grilli; Bill and Brett Laxton; Thornton and Don Lee; Glenn and Glenn Liebhart (again, not a Sr./Jr. situation); Rene and Aurelio Monteagudo (Jesus, how did I forget these two?); Julio and Jaime Navarro; John O'Donoghue and John O'Donoghue (of the famed Delaware O'Donoghues); Duane and Herman Pillette (the only father/son pair who have both led the AL in losses); Smokey Joe Wood and Joe Wood (the former was good enough to earn a nickname, the latter pitched in three games); and Clyde and Jaret Wright.

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Hello... Is there anybody (else) out there?

It's time for Dallas Stars fans to start getting their heads around the idea of Sergei Zubov finishing his career in another uniform. There have been reports of a half-dozen teams kicking the tires on the injury-plagued future Hall of Famer, and the New York Rangers are among them. The Rangers, of course, are not often outbid for a player's services. (Or to put it less charitably, they're willing to throw good money after bad, after good, after bad, ad infinitum.)

When a player changes teams at the end of his career, unless he wins a Stanley Cup with the new team*, it's often a recipe for irrelevance and erosion of the player's reputation. Who has any fond recollection of Adam Oates with the Ducks? (Or the Oilers? Or the Flyers?) Tony Amonte with the Flames, anyone? Brett Hull's five games in Phoenix? For a player long associated with one team like Zubov, we're veering into Franco-Harris-in-a-Seahawks-uniform territory.

*For example, Luc Robitaille in Detroit, Dave Andreychuk with Tampa Bay, and the grandaddy of them all, Raymond Bourque in Colorado.

And rest assured, no matter whom the Mets Rangers acquire this offseason, they are one goaltender injury away from an absolute catastrophe. Their big-dollar acquisitions have made their roster very top-heavy -- witness prized penalty killer Blair Betts still rotting on the market as an unrestricted free agent; room for only entry-level contracts on the third and fourth lines? -- and they've chosen to remedy their goal-scoring constipation of 2008-09 by spending $7.8M a year on an explosive but unpredictable laxative named Marian Gaborik.

And speaking of flaming asses, the motley assemblage of celebrities known as the Rangers are coached by legendary red-ass John Tortorella -- aka "Tortelvis" -- who never coached a player he couldn't throw in front of the No. 4 train and never met a loss for which he couldn't duck responsibility. And he's a notorious goalie-killer -- perfect for a team whose goalie is the only thing saving them from complete putrescence. At least Irina will enjoy the shopping on Fifth Avenue.

The Stars are clearly preparing for Zubov's departure, as two of the three minor moves they've made since the beginning of the free agency period have been to add defensemen. Karlis Skrastins, in addition to having one of the best names in hockey, is a top-pair penalty killing defenseman who blocks a preposterous number of shots. He's getting long in the tooth, but he never had much offensive upside anyway. Jeff Woywitka was imported from St. Louis on a very economical 2-year deal; he's a big and reasonably mobile third-pair guy who won't get you killed. A plus-8 last season on a decent-not-great Blues team, he was a first-round pick of the Flyers and was named the WHL's top defenseman in 2003; apparently he was thought to have more upside than he's shown.

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Two Trades That Probably Won't Happen, But Maybe Should

The title kinda sums this baby up, so right to it then:

#1: Roy Halladay to the Philadelphia Phillies

The defending world champion Phillies are having some pitching problems. Whereas last year everything pitching-wise the team touched turned to gold (sometimes from poop), this year they haven't been so fortunate. The Phillies are currently 14th in the National League in team ERA. But they're in first place in the NL East because they've scored the most runs in the NL and average the most runs a game (not all the teams have played the same number of games). It doesn't take a rocket fucking scientist to figure out what the Phils need.

Conversely, the Blue Jays, a good team and one which would be in the playoff picture if they were in any other division in baseball, are as good as dead. Nine games behind first place Boston in the American League East and eight behind second place New York for the wild card, the Jays are just treading water. Since they're not going anywhere, they may as well start cashing in this team and trying to build for the future. The Jays biggest trade chip is Roy Halladay, possibly the best starting pitcher in baseball and if not, certainly in the top five. He's a horse, a stud, and an ace in one package. Also, he's got a massive dong. Or, uh, so I've heard.

Halladay's contract is up at the end of next season, and he's 32 years old. The writing is on the wall: he's not re-signing with Toronto. He wants to win and, right now at least, that won't happen where he's at.

From the Blue Jays perspective, it's time to cash Halladay in for some good, cheap, young talent. From the Phillies perspective, they nead pitching. Badly. So, yes please!

Halladay is owed about $23 million over the next season and a half, a bargain if I've ever heard one, but not chump change. This, plus Halladay's desire to get a contract extension from his new team limit's the Jays options to teams with at least some dough. Many of the other teams who have been linked to Halladay by the media are in the same division as Toronto. This shouldn't be a huge impediment (if Toronto is doing the deal it stands to reason they think they're getting more than they're giving up), but if the Jays can get as much or more from a team outside the AL East, even in the NL, I'm sure they'd prefer to move Halladay there.

Lots of people have questioned the Phils minor league system, and last year that criticism was probably legitimate. But, this year there have been a number of big improvements down on the farm that make the Phils players in this sweepstakes. Carrasco, Marson, Taylor, and especially Drabek are all either valuable commodities (Carrasco and Marson) or top end prospects (Drabek and Taylor). The Phils have the chips to get it done, if they're willing to give them up.

It might take that much, and it might will kill the the Phils system, but it's worth it. The Phillies core is getting older, and by adding Halladay they'll actualize their core for another year beyond 2009 as well. Not to mention they'd make themselves favorites in the National League, or minimally co-favorites with the Dodgers. The Jays would improve their system and re-stock for the future while decreasing payroll. Sounds like a win/win to me.

#2: David Wright to the Boston Red Sox

Not unlike the Dan Duquette Red Sox of the 90's, this edition of the Mets consists of three or four amazing players and 21 or 22 reclamation projects/roster filler/utter and complete fucking garbage. Third baseman David Wright is one of the former. An excellent player, a cornerstone, and by all accounts, a stand up guy, Wright is signed to a team-friendly contract for 5 more seasons at a well below market rate of 6 years, $55 million (or 7/$71 if his 2013 option is picked up). Wright is not the problem on the Mets (despite what you might hear on WFAN), but trading him could vastly improve the team both now and even moreso a few years down the road.

Unlike the Phillies who have a very specific (and obvious) need, the Mets need everything. They're ninth in runs scored in the NL and next to last in ERA. Despite what Mets fans want to hear, this is not the roster of a World Series contender.

If you want to see a World Series contending roster, look at the Red Sox. Third in both ERA and runs scored in the AL, the Sox can compete for the championship as currently constituted. However, they're not perfect. The two teams that have scored more runs than them in the AL are both in their division (NY and Tampa), and Boston is dealing with a minor crisis with injuries to their infield corners. Mike Lowell who had major hip surgery this past off season may have re-injured it, and the Sox system, while deep, doesn't happen to have many big league ready first or third baseman who aren't already injured.

So, the Sox need either a first or third baseman who can hit (Kevin Youkilis can play both), and they have the prospects (and the cash) to pay for him. AA first baseman Lars Anderson was one of the top 20 prospects in baseball going into the season, and would be a long-term solution to Carlos Delgado. Boston also has pitching up the wazoo, with starters Michael Bowden and Clay Buchholz in AAA, along with relievers Daniel Bard and Justin Masterson already in Boston's pen. Any one of these would be a huge improvement over what the Mets are puking onto the mound.

It might take three or four of those guys plus something else or even more than that to pry Wright free, but the Sox have the prospects to get a deal done. They also have the need at third with an injured Lowell and no clear or decent replacement and only a one game lead in the toughest division in baseball. The Mets would begin to rebuild their minor league system with an eye towards building a team one half of which doesn't consist of cast-offs from the Mexican league.

Andruw Jones' best night since the Gold Club closed

The reanimated carcass of Andruw Jones clubbed home runs in his first three at-bats in Anaheim tonight and the Texas Rangers... are... back... in first place?!?! Ye gods.

Legendarily troublesome Nicaraguan drunkard Vicente Padilla took the mound tonight with an "AA" scrawled on the side of his cap, and all the optimism with which the Rangers' resurgence has contaminated my mind actually had me wondering whether he was trying to quit drinking. See here -- maybe we can wedge this tactic into a sort of "admission," like part of step 5.

Alas, whilst poking about on the interwebs, I figured out it's likely a tribute to Alexis Arguello.

Ah well, Padilla still threw the ball quite nicely... At least until he left the game with an apparent hand injury after trying to field a comebacker. His next scheduled start isn't until after the All-Star break anyway...

A few games ago, Rangers TV broadcasters Josh Lewin and Tom Grieve were opining on ugly MLB uniforms when Lewin referred to the Astros' infamous orange uniforms as "the paint-sampler unforms," which I think I like even better than "rainbow guts uniforms."

Tonight, this gem on Angels starter Ervin Santana, whose ERA at home was over 12 while his road ERA was under 4 coming into tonight's start: "On the road he's Cy Young, at home he's Sy Sperling!"

(Does anyone else remember who Sy Sperling is?)

Herewith, our own gem on Ervin Santana: He was born Johan Santana and changed his name.

And finally, in case the Gold Club reference is lost on you, a snippet of Jones' testimony in the 2001 trial of the owners of the infamous Atlanta den of ill repute:

Jones: "There were two chicks in the room messin' with each other."
Prosecutor: "What did you do then?"
Jones: “Both of them -- count it!"

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Matty's Baseball Notes: If You Read It Here, There's A Good Chance I Read It Somewhere Else First

"Baseball is a stupid game, full of arbitrarily rules, Ray. Also, your father was a drunk."

I'll save you the George F. Will-esque skirt blowing* but for the most part, baseball is a perfect game. Still there are those aspects of it, both rules and strategy, that confound me. This Matty's Baseball Notes is about that. Of course there will be poop jokes.

The Balk
As you may know, a balk penalizes a pitcher for deliberately deceiving a baserunner. And I'm not referring to dressing up like a pretty girl and then when it gets right down to it, sticking Mr. Winky where the sun don't shine. I mean trying to fool the base runner as to whether or not he's going to throw the ball home or to first base.

Of course, that is exactly what each and every pitcher tries to do on each and every pitch with a runner on base. So a balk should really be called on every pitch regardless of dangling feet, legs crossing hips, or completely stopping your arms at some point. Also, position players in the field attempt to deceive runners. Why isn't balk called on them? Well, because it's a stupid rule. Either you can deceive the baserunner or you can't. I vote 'can't.'

The Check Swing
Never in the history of sport has one rule been enforced so randomly, so arbitrarily, and so poopaliciously** as the check swing. Only on a check swing call can the umpire three feet away not see it, but the umpire 100 feet away can. Only the check swing can be called two completely different ways within the span of five minutes with both calls being correct. Or incorrect, I have no idea.

The reason I have no idea is because neither the baseball rulebook nor the umpires manual bother to define a check swing. So by lack of definition, a check swing is whatever the hell the umpire decides it is. Can you break your wrists? Can you break the plane of the back of the plate? How bout the front of the plate? How about if you twist your body around in a circle but don't really 'swing' the bat? What if you shove the entire bat up your ass and then dance a jig? Who the hell knows? Figure out one way to call it, then call it that way.

The "No Doubles" Defense.
This one is probably less known so I'll give you an example. Yesterday's Blue Jays/Yankees game. The Yankees are down by three runs heading into the bottom of the ninth at Yankee Stadium, III. The first two hitters, A-Hole and Teixeireiaei(ei) make outs. Then a single and a double put runners at second and third. With a three run lead, so the thinking goes, those runs 'don't matter'.***

So, with Hideki Matsui pinch-hitting, Jays manager Cito Gaston employs the dreaded No Doubles defense. This is not dissimilar to the Prevent Defense in football, which not coincidentally is also known as the Prevent Yourself From Winning Defense. The outfielders move back much closer to the wall than they would normally play. This is designed to avoid a ball going over an outfielder's head which would allow Matsui, the tying run currently at the plate, to get to second base where he could score on a single.

You can guess what happened in yesterday's Yankees/Jays game: Matsui hit a flare out to center field that fell right in front of charging Jays center fielder Vernon Wells. Two runs scored and Matsui, the tying run, reached first base. No question Wells would have caught it if he wasn't playing so damn deep. (You can view the video here; it's the fourth one listed just below the video player.)

The No Doubles defense may cut down on doubles, but it vastly increases the likelihood of a single. This means the Jays employed a defense that is more likely to allow those runners on base to score and the batter at the plate to reach first, all to decrease the likelihood that the batter reaches second. This is completely asinine.

The smart move is to put your fielders in position to maximize the chance to get an out, only one of which, you'll recall, will end the damn game. But no. Gaston moved his fielders all the way back, cost himself two runs, and put the tying run on base in the process. The next batter struck out, so the Jays won anyway, but there was no need for it to be as close as it was.

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*My high school baseball coach used to use that term in introduction to some news we'd likely not enjoy. As in, "OK, ladies, I'm not going to blow one up yer skirt: you stunk."

**May not technically be a word.

***This is true, in a sense. If the Yankees only score those two runs but no more the Blue Jays will still win the game. The flaw in that thinking is that if those runs don't score the Jays win the game too.

Ever Wonder What Dennis Green And Jim Fassel Are Up To These Days?

In the history of bad ideas, there have been some doosies. The Hindenburg, a large air-born tank full of ultra-flammable hydrogen made to carry living human beings long distances, was one. Many people were killed. The Magic Hour was another. Many more people were killed. A third fortunately non-fatal bad idea was the United States Football League (no Canadians allowed, eh!).

The USFL was an alternate football league that took on the NFL in the early '80s. Although the league had some good ideas, two point conversions and a form of instant replay being two examples, the NFL was too ingrained into the American sporting consciousness to be ousted by an upstart league. Although the USFL won a lawsuit against the NFL, their award of $3.76 failed to pay their legal bills and that was basically the end of the USFL.

Since the '80s, the NFL has only increased it's grip on the American sports fan. That, plus you may have heard that the American economy is hurting worse than a guy after his fourth masturbatory session of the day. In short, this isn't the time to come out with another football league.

So, with that background, I'd like to introduce you, the American sporting public, to Another Football League: Welcome, United Football League! Huge NFL coaching giants like Jim Fassel and Dennis Green have already signed on and are prominently featured on the UFL's website.

Being new and all, the UFL needs lots of things. Like players. Know anyone who can play football? Maybe you fancy yourself a future football star? If so, just fill out this handy-dandy form and your dreams could will come true!

I sure hope so anyway because I filled one out. The following are my answers to the UFL Player Registration questionnaire (not including the Personal Information section which I filled out honestly but am not reproducing here for obvious reasons):

Football Information
Height: 5'11''
Weight: 165
Position Played: Quarterback
College: Washington College
Years Attended: 4*

Pro Football Experience
Years of NFL Participation: 0
Years of AFL Participation: 0
Years of CFL Participation: 0
40 Time: about 6**

List Awards
Always picked first in pick-up football games (always tackle - touch is for pussies)
MVP of 2009 San Francisco Adult Beach Football All-Star Game***

Comments
Rocket for arm due to unfortunate accident****, accuracy a strength, good decision making skills (example: not married until 32 years old!), graduate degree from University of Pennsylvania so very smart and hard worker, generally impressive

When I hear which try-out they've invited me to, I'll post an update. Wish me luck!

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*Note the information provided is entirely accurate if misleading. The question asks how many years I attended school, not how many years I played quarterback for their football team. Fortunately too, because not only did I not play quarterback for Washington College but I could not have played quarterback for Washington College as Washington College does not have a football team.
**This is only a guess. (Also, I wanted to write "Yes please!" under the assumption they were referring to 40 ounces not 40 yards but at the last second I decided to take this one question seriously. I'm not sure why.)
***There was a beach football game in San Francisco which I participated in and which I threw three touchdown passes for the winning team including one on the final play of the game to win (yes, I'm tremendously awesome), although in truth no MVP was awarded and I've spruced up the name of the game a bit as it actually had no name at all.
****This is the only embellishment on the entire questionnaire, other than all the other ones. I do not, in fact, have a rocket for an arm.

Happy Fucking Fourth!

Happy Fucking Fourth, from your friends at TOOAST!!! Now, in the words of a great American, go eat a bag of dicks.